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I 


WHEN  YOU  MARRY 


Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  Ph.D. 


Reuben  Hill,  Ph.D. 


WITH  CHAPTERS 


IN  COLLABORATION  WITH 


Sylvanus  M.  Duvall,  Ph.D. 


ASSOCIATION  PRESS  •  NEW  YORK 


WHEN   YOU   MARRY 


REVISED  EDITION 


COPYRIGHT,    1953,    BY 
D.  C.  HEATH  AND  COMPANY 

No  part  of  the  material  covered  by  this  copyright 

may  be  reproduced  in  any  form 

without  written  permission  of  the  publisher. 

Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America.    (519) 


Cartoons  drawn  by 

WYNCIE  KING  and  HUGH  DEVINE 


REFACE 


GETTING  married  and  raising  a  family  today  require  advance  prepa- 
ration. Most  couples  want  their  marriages  to  succeed.  But  wishing 
happiness  is  not  enough.  Marriages  that  have  been  preceded  by  study 
and  careful  mate  selection  and  which  are  followed  by  skillful  handling 
of  adjustments  have  high  success  rates.  Without  adequate  preparation 
anything  can  happen!  This  book  has  been  written  to  supply  the  kind  of 
guidance  that  is  sought  and  needed  "when  you  marry." 

As  in  the  original  When  You  Marry,  the  chapter  order  is  functional. 
It  focuses  on  the  person  contemplating  marriage  and  takes  up  in  turn 
the  questions  he  actually  asks,  beginning  with  the  part  personality  plays 
in  marriage  and  ending  with  the  problems  of  the  empty  nest.  But  in 
keeping  with  the  spirit  of  the  book,  we  recommend  that  the  teacher  of 
the  class,  or  the  leader  of  the  group,  poll  the  members  to  ascertain  their 
interests.  We  have  found  that  most  young  people  are  personality  con- 
scious and  wish  to  begin  as  the  text  commences  with  "What  You  Bring 
to  Marriage,"  or  sometimes  with  Chapter  Two,  "It's  Love!?"  A  group 
of  wives  and  mothers,  on  the  other  hand,  may  choose  to  start  with 
Part  2,  "What  It  Means  to  Be  Married,"  or  with  Part  3,  "The  Making  of 
a  Family."  A  class  of  out-of-school  adults  may  prefer  to  consider  the 
entire  last  section,  "Family  Life  Yesterday,  Today,  and  Tomorrow,"  be- 
fore taking  up  the  more  person-centered  materials.  This  is  functional 
education:  to  start  where  the  person  is  and  work  outward,  in  this  case 
to  a  broad  understanding  of  the  entire  gamut  of  marriage  and  family 
problems. 

We  hope  the  book  will  continue  to  be  the  basis  for  self-study  for 
many  young  couples  who  find  themselves  unable  to  attend  a  course  in 
marriage  and  the  family.  Our  suggestions  for  further  thinking  and  ac- 
tivity through  counseling,  specific  readings,  and  helps  for  working  out 
personal  and  family  problems  are  designed  to  facilitate  self-study  as  well 
as  group  discussion.  We  have  tried  to  keep  the  book  close  to  the  reali- 
ties of  life,  and  in  line  with  proven  principles  and  valid  scientific  con- 
cepts. 


vi  PREFACE 

The  check  tests  are  designed  to  help  the  reader  check  his  compre- 
hension of  the  material  as  he  goes  along.  They  have  proved  valuable 
too  as  devices  to  stimulate  group  discussion.  The  illustrations  are  used 
to  enforce  a  point  or  to  tell  a  tale.  Each  cartoon  depicts  a  situation 
which  the  student  may  view  more  objectively  for  having  thought  through 
it  visually.  Flashed  on  a  screen  or  copied  on  a  blackboard,  they  become 
live  material  for  discussion. 

The  rapid  development  of  the  marriage  and  family  field  is  vividly  seen 
in  the  quality  and  amount  of  new  material  that  re-enforces  the  entire 
revised  edition.  New  census  data,  several  national  conferences,  and  a 
great  deal  of  new  research  have  required  whole  new  sections  in  every 
chapter  and  have  contributed  significantly  to  the  two  new  chapters. 

By  this  time  our  debt  to  others  who  have  blazed  the  trails  that  we 
follow  and  who  have  encouraged  us  in  our  pioneering  is  too  great  to 
list  in  detail.  We  appreciate  more  than  we  can  enumerate  the  thou- 
sands of  colleagues,  friends,  and  students  who  have  encouraged,  as- 
sisted, and  prodded  us  through  the  years.  Their  criticisms  arising  out 
of  their  experiences  in  using  the  first  edition  have  played  a  major  role  in 
the  focusing  of  this  new  volume. 

Specifically,  we  gratefully  acknowledge  permission  to  use  a  number 
of  charts  from  Children  and  Youth  at  the  Midcentury  —  A  Chart  Book 
prepared  by  the  Midcentury  White  House  Conference  on  Children  and 
Youth;  published  by  Health  Publications  Institute,  Inc.,  copyright,  1951, 
by  Health  Publications  Institute,  Inc.,  216  North  Dawson  Street,  Ra- 
leigh, North  Carolina. 

We  reaffirm  our  faith  in  the  collaborative  process;  it  is  truly  creative 
for  those  rugged  enough  to  take  it.  Again,  as  in  the  earlier  volume,  not 
only  the  entire  book,  but  every  chapter  in  it,  has  been  thought  through, 
worked  over,  written,  and  rewritten  by  both  Duvalls  and  Hills.  In  gen- 
eral, Evelyn  Duvall  is  responsible  for  chapters  i,  2,  3,  6,  9,  16,  17,  18, 
and  20;  Reuben  Hill  for  chapters  4,  5,  7,  8,  10,  12,  13,  14,  15,  and  21; 
Sylvanus  Duvall  for  chapters  11  and  19  and  for  some  of  the  content 
and  focus  of  Chapter  7.  The  revised  edition  is  much  the  richer  for  the 
more  mature  contributions  of  both  growing  families  that  in  the  interval 
between  the  two  editions  have  completed  several  stages  of  the  family 
life  cycle  and  have  brought  a  wealth  of  family  living  to  point  up  our 
professional  orientation. 

When  You  Marry  represents  the  active  participation  of  two  whole 
families  who  jointly  dedicate  this  book  to  growing  families  everywhere. 

Evelyn  Millis  Duvall  and  Reuben  HiU 


OREWORD  TO  THE  FIRST  EDITION 


THIS  book,  exemplifying  the  functional  approach  to  teaching  marriage 
and  family  living,  is  timely.  American  youth  by  the  hundreds  of  thou- 
sands are  concerned  as  never  before  with  problems  of  adjustment.  The 
hasty  marriages  of  wartime,  disturbing  wartime  experiences,  and  separa- 
tion of  husbands  and  wives  have  created  problems  of  personal  and 
marital  readjustment  which  are  taxing  all  our  resources  of  knowledge, 
research,  and  skill  in  education  and  counseling.  Equally  important  are 
the  problems  arising  from  the  great  number  of  marriages,  as  hostilities 
cease,  of  couples  already  engaged  and  of  others  who  have  postponed 
marriage. 

While  there  are  several  excellent  books  already  available  on  prepa- 
ration for  marriage,  this  new  volume  combines  several  distinctive  fea- 
tures which  make  it  particularly  helpful.  First,  it  presents  the  findings 
of  recent  research  in  several  pertinent  disciplines  as  they  have  practical 
application  to  the  many  adjustments  to  marriage  and  family  living. 
Each  chapter  begins  with  the  questions  young  people  raise  in  the  area 
to  be  discussed,  and  the  material  that  follows  is  organized  in  the  light 
of  these  concrete  problems  rather  than  in  the  traditional  fashion.  Any 
valid  research  finding,  regardless  of  the  specific  scientific  field  of  its 
origin,  is  applied  to  that  particular  problem  in  personal-family  adjust- 
ment which  it  is  most  helpful  in  solving. 

Second,  the  readable  and  lively  style  of  the  book  makes  it  usable  not 
only  for  students  of  the  family  but  also  for  all  young  people  personally 
interested  in  getting  married.  Illustrations  as  visual  aids  are  especially 
helpful  in  clarifying  the  material  discussed  and  in  focusing  attention  on 
major  concepts.  Numerous  tests  throughout  the  book  are  designed  to 
assist  the  reader  in  self-checking  his  progress  in  comprehension.  All  in 
all,  the  book  is  admirably  designed  as  an  integral  course  in  a  program 
of  general  education;  for  use  in  discussion  classes  in  colleges,  schools, 
churches,  settlements,  and  young  people's  associations;  or  as  part  of  a 
community  program  of  education  for  marriage  and  family  living. 


viii  FOREWORD 

Third,  the  book  is  exceptional  in  its  wide  coverage  of  interrelated 
fields  and  in  their  synthesis  into  a  new  educational  approach.  This 
quality  derives  from  the  interweaving  of  the  backgrounds  of  experience 
of  the  authors  and  from  the  unique  beginnings  of  the  book  in  the  com- 
bined thinking  of  many  educators. 

This  volume  has  an  interesting  and  significant  history.  Its  concep- 
tion occurred  in  the  spring  of  1943  when  a  committee  of  the  American 
Council  on  Education  was  charged  with  developing  a  design  for  general 
education  to  meet  the  interests  and  the  needs  of  men  and  women  in 
the  armed  services.1  This  committee  defined  general  education  as  "the 
type  of  education  which  the  majority  of  our  people  must  have  if  they 
are  to  be  good  citizens,  parents,  and  workers,"  2  and  it  Included  in  the 
fourteen  courses  proposed  as  a  basic  offering  in  general  education  one 
on  Marriage  and  Family  Adjustments. 

All  fourteen  courses  were  planned  to  be  functional  in  the  triple 
sense  that  they  were  devised  to  meet  felt  needs  of  the  individual  in  pre- 
paring him  for  life,  that  they  had  a  social  emphasis  in  enabling  him  to 
discharge  the  privileges  and  obligations  of  citizenship  in  a  democracy, 
and  that  they  stressed  integration  of  different  fields  of  knowledge  in 
application  to  significant  life  situations. 

The  Subcommittee  on  Marriage  and  Family  Adjustments  appointed 
to  outline  the  course  in  this  area  consisted  of  Mrs.  Duvall,  Dr.  Hill, 
Dr.  Oliver  Ohmann,  then  of  Western  Reserve  University,  and  the 
writer  as  chairman.  The  functional  approach  undertaken  by  our  com- 
mittee may  be  illustrated  by  quoting  from  the  published  report  of  the 
statement  of  objectives  of  the  proposed  course  on  Marriage  and  Family 
Adjustments: 8 

General  education  should  lead  the  individual  as  a  citizen  in  a  free  society  to 
think  through  the  problems  and  to  gain  the  basic  orientation  that  will  better 
enable  him  to  make  a  satisfactory  family  and  marital  adjustment.  In  order 
to  accomplish  this  purpose,  the  student  should  acquire  the  following: 

A.  Knowledge  and  understanding  of 

i  The  ways  in  which  the  American  family  differs  from  families  in  other 
countries  and  in  earlier  times 

1  A  Design  for  General  Education  for  Members  of  the  Armed  Forces,  A  Report 
of  the  Committee  on  a  Design  for  General  Education  (Washington,  D.  C.,  American 
Council  on  Education,  1944). 

2  Quoted  in  the  report  from  Earl  J.  McGrath,  "General  Education  in  the  Post- 
war Period,"  The  Annals  of  the  American  Academy  of  Political  and  Social  Science, 
Vol.  231  (1944),  P-  74- 

3  A  Design  for  General  Education  for  Members  of  the  Armed  Forces,  pp.  36-38. 


FOREWORD  ix 

2  The  trends  in  American  society  affecting  the  structure  and  functions 
of  the  family  and  the  role  of  women  and  children  in  our  society 

3  The  personality  make-up  of  the  individual  as  it  affects  his  relationships 
to  friends  and  to  members  of  the  family 

4  The  ways  in  which  experiences  in  family  life  determine  the  personality 
development  of  the  child 

5  The  effects  of  the  war  on  love,  courtship,  marriage,  and  family  life 

6  The  factors  making  for  success  in  marriage 

7  The  development  of  relationships  of  friendship  and  affection:  dating, 
courtship,  engagement,  and  marriage 

8  Major  family  crises  and  conflicts,  and  ways  of  meeting  them 

9  The  biological  aspects  of  reproduction  and  of  prenatal  and  postnatal 
care 

10  Problems  involved  in  earning  and  spending  the  family  income 

11  Available  resources  for  premarital,  postmarital,  and  family  counseling 
and  education 


B.  Skills  and  abilities 

1  Skill  in  meeting  and  cultivating  members  of  the  opposite  sex  in  whole- 
some relationships 

2  Skill  in  resolving  conflicts,  hostilities,  rejections,  and  overattachments 

3  Habits  of  discussion  and  cooperative  planning  in  family  situations 

4  Ability  to  relate  oneself  and  family  to  the  broader  relationships  of  so- 
cial life,  and  to  become  identified  with  larger  causes 

5  Ability  to  discharge  parental  responsibilities  in  child  rearing 

6  Skill  in  planning  ways  of  meeting  the  problem  of  in-laws  and  other 
relatives 

7  Skill  in  household  management,  including  the  budgeting  and  spend- 
ing of  the  family  income 


C.  Attitudes  and  appreciations 

1  Realization  and  happiness  in  marriage  and  family  life  as  a  significant 
value,  the  achievement  of  which  may  be  aided  by  preparation 

2  Appreciation  of  companionship  as  an  essential  element  in  the  success 
of  a  marriage 

3  Recognition  of  democracy  as  a  way  of  life  to  be  realized  in  the  family 
in  relations  of  husband  and  wife  and  of  parents  and  children 

4  Appreciation  of  family  members  as  persons  with  needs  and  interests  of 
their  own 

5  Awareness  of  the  importance  of  the  prevention,  early  recognition,  and 
treatment  of  marital  discord  and  of  behavior  problems  of  children 

6  Appreciation  of  the  role  of  religion  in  personal  and  family  living 


x  FOREWORD 

The  authors  of  this  book,  who  had  already  served  as  two  of  the  mem- 
bers of  the  committee  that  prepared  the  outline  of  the  course,  were 
asked  to  prepare  a  workbook  to  be  used  in  conjunction  with  a  textbook 
as  the  basis  of  a  prospective  course  in  the  United  States  Armed  Forces 
Institute.  Although  a  course  in  Marriage  and  the  Family  has  not  yet 
been  included  in  the  program  of  the  Institute,  the  authors  were  encour- 
aged, by  indications  of  widespread  interest  in  a  course  with  the  same 
objectives  for  all  young  people  preparing  for  marriage,  to  write  the  pres- 
ent volume. 

The  authors  of  When  You  Marry  are  unusually  well  qualified  by 
their  training  and  experience  to  prepare  a  volume  meeting  the  present 
pressing  needs  and  concerns  of  young  people.  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall 
has  a  thorough  background  in  biology,  and  has  completed  her  residence 
requirements  for  the  doctor's  degree  in  the  field  of  human  development, 
which  is  an  integrated  program  of  study  including  pertinent  courses  in 
anthropology,  biology,  economics,  nutrition,  psychiatry,  psychology,  and 
sociology.  As  director  for  eight  years  of  the  Association  for  Family 
Living  she  gained  an  understanding  of  the  problems  of  young  people 
of  all  social  classes,  and  of  ways  of  working  with  them  in  the  discussion 
of  their  questions.  Dr.  Reuben  Hill  had  his  graduate  training  in  so- 
ciology. Organizer  and  director  for  four  years  of  the  interdepartmental 
courses  in  marriage  at  the  University  of  Wisconsin,  with  further  experi- 
ence in  the  University  of  South  Dakota,  Iowa  State  College,  and  nu- 
merous informal  collegiate  situations,  he  has  intimate  knowledge  of  the 
problems  of  college  youth  and  experience  and  skill  in  methods  of  teach- 
ing adapted  to  their  interests. 

The  authors  have  brought  together  their  combined  training  and  ex- 
perience in  a  collaboration  that,  through  collective  thinking,  has  pro- 
duced what  may  be  considered  a  new  integration  both  of  material  and 
of  point  of  view.  The  book  possesses  a  vital  down-to-earth  quality  and, 
at  the  same  time,  scientific  soundness  and  thoroughness  that  would  not 
otherwise  be  possible. 

Ernest  W.  Burgess 

UNIVERSITY   OF   CHICAGO 


c 


ONTENTS 


PART 


ANTICIPATING  MARRIAGE 

ONE  WHAT  YOU  BRING  TO  MARRIAGE      3 

TWO  IT'S  LOVEI?      29 

THREE  DATING:  Practice  Makes  Perfect      47 

FOUR  BECOMING  INVOLVED:  The  Courtship  Process      71 

FIVE  THE  MEANING  OF  AN  ENGAGEMENT      87 

six  MARRIAGE  AND  THE  FACTS  OF  LIFE      109 

SEVEN  DOES  MORALITY  MAKE  SENSE?      129 

EIGHT  WHO  GETS  MARRIED?      151 

NINE  WEDDING  PLANS      171 


PART 


2 


TEN 

ELEVEN 

TWELVE 

THIRTEEN 

FOURTEEN 

FIFTEEN 


WHAT  IT  MEANS  TO  BE  MARRIED 

JUST  MARRIED      197 

MONEY  MATTERS  IN  MARRIAGE      213 

COMMON  CONFLICTS  IN  MARRIAGE      237 

WHEN  CRISES  COME      257 

FACTS  AND  FEELINGS  ABOUT  DIVORCE     277 

WHAT  HOLDS  A  MARRIAGE  TOGETHER      303 


xii  CONTENTS 

PART  J5  THE  MAKING  OF  A  FAMILY 

SIXTEEN        WHERE  BABIES  COME  FROM      321 
SEVENTEEN        GETTING  READY  TO  BE  PARENTS      339 
EIGHTEEN        WHAT  IT  MEANS  TO  BE  PARENTS      363 
NINETEEN        FAMILY  LIFE  AND  RELIGIOUS  LIVING      387 


PART 


FAMILY  LIFE  YESTERDAY,  TODAY,  AND  TOMORROW 


TWENTY        MARRIAGE  ISN'T  WHAT  IT  USED  TO  BE      405 
TWENTY-ONE         FAMILIES  IN  AN  UNEASY  WORLD      429 


INDEX      457 


PART 


ANTICIPATING  MARRIAGE 

WHAT   YOU   BRING  TO   MARRIAGE 

IT'S  LOVE!? 

DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES   PERFECT 

BECOMING  INVOLVED:  THE  COURTSHIP  PROCESS 

THE  MEANING  OF  AN  ENGAGEMENT 

MARRIAGE  AND  THE  FACTS  OF  LIFE 

DOES  MORALITY  MAKE  SENSE? 

WHO  GETS  MARRIED? 

WEDDING  PLANS 


CHAPTER  ONE 


He  didn't  learn  that  out  of  a  book! 


WHAT  YOU  BRING  TO  MARRIAGE 

What  makes  you  YOU? 

How  can  children  born  and  raised  in  the  same  family  be  so  different? 

Can  you  hope  to  reform  the  person  you  marry? 

How  does  the  past  influence  the  present  in  your  life? 


HEN  YOU  COME  TO  MARRIAGE,  WHAT  DO  YOU  BRING?     A  NEW 

wardrobe?  A  nest  egg  in  the  bank?  Some  furniture  you've  inherited? 
A  dependent  relative  or  two?  A  good  job  and  the  prospect  of  advance- 
ment? Whatever  your  tangible  assets  or  liabilities  are,  there  is  some- 
thing even  more  important:  that  is  you  as  a  personality,  the  way  you  act 
toward  people  and  the  attitudes  which  you  bring  to  marriage. 

The  kind  of  marriage  you  make  depends  upon  the  kind  of  person  you 
are.  If  you  are  a  happy,  well-adjusted  person,  the  chances  are  your  mar- 
riage will  be  a  happy  one.  If  you  have  made  adjustments  so  far  with 
more  satisfaction  than  distress,  you  are  likely  to  make  your  marriage  and 
family  adjustments  satisfactorily.  If  you  are  discontented  and  bitter 
about  your  lot  in  life,  you  will  have  to  change  before  you  can  expect  to 
live  happily  ever  after. 

There  was  a  time  when  people  thought  that  unhappiness  in  marriage 
resulted  primarily  from  a  poor  choice  of  a  marriage  partner,  from  some 
mysterious  incompatibility  in  sex  adjustment,  from  money  troubles,  or 
in-laws,  or  religious  mix-ups,  or  some  other  chance  circumstance.  Sex  is 
important.  Whom  you  marry  also  makes  a  difference.  Money  troubles 
and  in-law  interference  and  religious  differences  all  are  part  of  the  pic- 
ture. We'll  look  them  all  over  soon.  Right  now  let's  get  at  the  most 
important  consideration,  the  personality  bases  for  marriage. 


4  ANTICIPATING  MARRIAGE 

What  Is  Personality? 

Personality  is  not  just  an  endowment  which  some  people  have  and  oth- 
ers lack.  You  are  not  born  with  a  good  or  a  bad  personality.  The  at- 
tractive sparkle  or  the  unfortunate  habits  which  make  you  stand  out 
from  others  are  not  a  coincidence  or  a  gift  of  the  gods.  The  many  as- 
pects of  every  personality  are  not  accidental,  but  have  causes  and  often 
elaborate  histories.  What  makes  you  you  depends  upon  years  of  re- 
sponding to  life's  situations.  Your  personality  is  made  up  of  many 
things:  the  kind  of  body  you  started  with,  the  type  of  home  you  were 
born  into,  the  sort  of  people  you  have  associated  with,  the  way  you  have 
been  brought  up  and  the  things  you  have  learned,  and  most  important 
of  all,  how  you  have  felt  and  acted  about  them.  Your  personality  is  the 
sum  total  of  the  characteristic  ways  of  feeling,  responding,  and  behaving 
which  determine  your  place  in  society. 

What  You  Started  With.  Although  you  were  not  born  with  a  ready- 
made  personality,  many  of  the  potentials  of  your  personality  were  al- 
ready established  at  birth.  You  were  born  with  a  certain  kind  of  body: 
it  was  fat  or  thin,  strong  or  weak,  active  or  quiet,  responsive  or  relatively 
insensitive.  Your  personality  is  affected  greatly  by  such  factors  as  en- 
ergy output,  drive,  push,  and  indefatigability.  There  is  a  physical  basis 
to  personality. 

People  are  born  with  a  capacity  for  responding  to  situations  with 
varying  degrees  of  mental  alertness.  Environment  can  do  little  for  idiots 
and  similar  defectives,  but  even  the  poorest  surroundings  cannot  black 
out  the  brilliance  of  a  genius.  Even  though  the  great  majority  of  us  fall 
somewhere  between  these  two  extremes,  our  capacities  are  usually  so 
much  greater  than  our  use  of  them  that  we  can  get  little  scientific  en- 
couragement for  attributing  our  personal  failures  to  a  low  IQ.  Recent 
studies  have  indicated  that  these  native  talents  of  ours  are  greatly  in- 
fluenced by  the  stimuli  for  growth  they  receive  and  by  our  active  will- 
ingness to  cultivate  them. 

You  were  born  a  boy  or  a  girl.  This  fact  has  far  more  than  a  biologi- 
cal significance.  Whether  you  are  going  to  grow  up  to  be  a  man  or  a 
woman,  a  husband  or  a  wife,  a  father  or  a  mother,  does  not  mean  nearly 
as  much  as  does  your  early  acceptance  of  yourself  for  what  you  are.  An 
American  girl  of  today  no  longer  needs  to  apologize  for  her  sex.  In 
certain  societies,  however,  being  born  a  girl  would  have  meant  the  end 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  5 

of  her  right  then  and  there.  Even  now,  the  fifth  girl  born  in  a  family 
of  girls  longing  for  a  boy  cannot  be  guaranteed  the  welcome  and  the 
feeling  of  importance  and  personal  security  that  a  long-sought  girl  baby 
in  another  family  might  have.  Being  born  a  girl  in  a  family  where 
mother  finds  womanhood  satisfying,  or  a  boy  in  a  family  where  father 
relishes  being  a  man,  adds  to  the  biological  heritage  of  sex  the  impor- 
tant element  of  sex  acceptance  that  is  so  vital  for  good  personal  and 
marriage  adjustment. 

Oldest,  Youngest,  or  in  Between.  You  were  born  into  your  family  with 
a  special  place  all  your  own.  No  other  brother  or  sister  came  into  and 
grew  up  in  the  same  family  constellation  that  you  entered.  If  you  were 
the  oldest  you  had  a  unique  place  in  your  parents'  life  for  a  period  of 
time.  When  younger  brothers  or  sisters  came  along  you  were  faced 
with  your  first  powerful  threat  of  deprivation.  You  had  to  share  your 
parents  and  your  home  with  the  newcomers.  Were  you  the  youngest 
in  a  large  family?  Then  yours  was  inevitably  the  place  of  the  baby  of 
the  family,  with  all  the  others  ahead  of  you  in  age  and  size  and  power 
and  protectiveness.  If  you  were  somewhere  between  the  oldest  and  the 
youngest,  yours  was  the  problem  of  stretching  ahead  to  the  older  ones, 
while  you  hung  back  at  times  to  play  with  those  younger  than  you. 
Only  children,  although  not  as  spoiled  as  popular  opinion  so  often  gen- 
eralizes them  to  be,  live  in  an  entirely  different  family  set-up  from  the 
youngster  who  shares  his  home  life  with  brothers  or  sisters.  Children 
who  arrive  long  after  the  parents'  marriage  come  into  a  far  more  stable 
but  rigid  family  than  do  those  who  come  while  parents  are  still  getting 
acquainted  and  getting  used  to  the  idea  of  being  married.  Where  and 
when  you  came  into  your  family  gave  you  a  unique  place  with  its  own 
assets  and  liabilities. 

Your  Status  in  fhe  Community.  You  were  born  with  a  place  in  the  com- 
munity. By  being  a  member  of  your  family,  you  shared  their  status  in 
the  neighborhood,  the  community,  and  the  world.  As  a  child  in  a 
minister's  home  in  the  Middle  West,  or  of  a  tenant  farmer's  family  in 
Georgia,  or  of  an  old-line  Boston  family,  you  took  on  the  distinctive 
marks  of  their  particular  way  of  living  and  became  a  citizen  of  their 
world.  Being  born  across  the  tracks  or  on  the  hill,  being  born  a  Negro 
or  a  white,  an  Oriental  or  an  Indian,  coming  from  parents  whose  home- 
land is  far  away  or  from  folk  whose  forebears  migrated  to  this  country 


6  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

several  generations  ago,  makes  a  difference  in  the  status  of  the  individ- 
ual within  the  community. 

SOME  SOCIAL  CLASS  DIFFERENCES 

Working  class  people  drop  out  of  school  earlier  x 
Middle  class  people  get  more  education  x 

Working  class  people  go  to  work  sooner  2 

Middle  class  people  start  work  later  at  more  highly  skilled  levels  2 

Working  class  people  wean  babies  at  later  ages  2 
Middle  class  people  wean  babies  earlier  2 

Working  class  people  toilet  train  babies  later  2 
Middle  class  people  toilet  train  babies  earlier  2 

Working  class  people  expect  their  children  to  be  neat,  clean,  and  "manner- 

able"  (traditional  conception)  3 
Middle  class  people  more  frequently  want  their  children  to  grow  at  own 

rate,  to  learn,  to  be  happy  (developmental  conception)  3 

Working  class  people  believe  mother's  job  is  to  wash,  cook,  clean,  and  keep 

house  8 
Middle  class  people  more  often  say  that  a  good  mother  should  put  empha- 

sis on  development  of  children  and  self  8 

Working  class  people  have  fewer  troubles  but  weather  them  less  well  4 
Middle  class  people  have  more  troubles  but  weather  them  better  * 

Working  class  people  are  more  promiscuous  before  marriage  5 
Middle  class  people  have  less  premarital  sex  intercourse  5 

Working  class  people  are  more  direct  in  sex  response  6 

Middle  class  people  have  less  direct  sex  response,  more  petting  6 

1  W.  Lloyd  Warner,  Robert  J.  Havighurst,  and  Martin  Loeb,  Who  Shall  Be 
Educated?  (New  York:  Harper,  1944). 

2  W.  Allison  Davis  and  Robert  J.  Havighurst,  Father  of  the  Man   (Boston: 
Houghton  Mifflin,  1947). 

3  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  "Conceptions  of  Parenthood,"  American  Journal  of  So- 
ciology (November,  1946),  LII,  No.  3,  pp.  193-203. 

4  Earl  Lomon  Koos,  "Class  Differences  in  Family  Reactions  to  Crises,"  Mar- 
riage and  Family  Living  (Summer,  1950),  XII,  No.  *,  pp.  77-78. 


5  Alfred  C.  Kinsey,  Wardell  B.  Pomeroy,  and  Clyde  E.  Martin,  Sexual  Behavior 
in  the  Human  Male  (Philadelphia:  Saunders,  1948),  Chap.  10. 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE 


With  Better  Home,  School,  Medical  Care, 
Johnny  Could  Have  Been  Jimmy 

From  The  Races  of  Mankind  by  Ruth  Benedict  and  Gene  Weltfish  (Public  Affairs  Committee,  Inc.) 

Research  studies  such  as  those  reported  in  sum  on  page  6  have  been 
numerous  in  the  twentieth  century.  They  show  clearly  that  each  of  us 
has  a  given  status  in  the  community  that  we  recognize  and  that  those 
who  know  us  place  us  in;  and  that  furthermore,  much  of  what  we  do 
and  think  and  feel  and  want  and  become  is  determined  in  part  by  the 
social  class  to  which  we  belong. 

Many  of  us  become  aware  early  in  childhood  of  distinctions  in  status 
and  try  to  better  our  situation.  The  wife  who  nags  her  husband  to 
make  something  of  himself,  the  husband  who  insists  upon  his  wife  get- 
ting into  a  smart  social  set,  the  couple  sacrificing  to  get  ahead,  all  are 
driven  to  be  better  off  than  they  are.  Often  the  reason  for  selecting  a 
certain  marriage  partner  may  be  little  more  than  that  he  or  she  is  a 
means  of  stepping  up  the  social  ladder,  as  those  who  joke  about  marry- 
ing the  boss's  daughter  so  well  recognize.  The  drive  to  climb  the  social 
ladder  is  a  motivating  force  and  is  often  the  basis  of  ambition  and  the 
source  of  conflict. 

Becoming  Human.  We  learn  the  fundamentals  of  social  living  through 
interaction  with  other  people.  We  learn  from  them  how  to  get  and 
eat  food,  how  to  get  around,  to  use  tools  and  machines,  to  respond  to 
people  and  act  appropriately  in  many  situations.  These  learnings  would 
not  be  possible,  of  course,  without  the  essential  biological  equipment 
which  it  takes  to  be  human.  Consider  the  house  cat  — he  lives  for 
years  in  close  association  with  people,  yet  he  grows  old  and  dies  —  still 


8  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

a  cat.  Even  though  a  fond  mistress  dubs  him  one  of  the  family,  he  is 
forever  limited  by  the  fact  that  his  own  parents  were  feline  and  is 
thereby  classed  forever  in  the  cat  family  regardless  of  his  residence. 

Many  of  our  assets  as  persons  come  to  us  as  members  of  the  human 
family.  We  walk  upright;  our  hands  have  amazing  dexterity;  our  eyes 
and  the  flexibility  of  our  bodies  make  it  possible  for  us  to  know  what  is 
going  on;  we  have  voices  that  are  the  last  word  in  communication  and 
ears  that  are  built  for  good  reception;  we  have  good  heads  on  our  shoul- 
ders and  a  long  childhood  in  which  to  learn  the  complexities  of  human 
behavior.  All  these  and  more  are  ours,  simply  because  we  were  born 
with  human  potentialities. 

But  it  takes  more  than  biological  inheritance  to  make  us  truly  hu- 
man. Studies  of  children  reared  away  from  human  society  reveal  that 
we  obtain  a  great  many  of  our  characteristics  from  associating  with 
other  human  beings.  Gesell  6  has  told  us  of  a  baby  girl  who  strayed 
from  her  mother  early  in  her  infancy  and  lived  for  years  in  a  friendly 
wolf  den.  When  she  was  brought  back  to  human  society,  she  could 
not  walk  upright  or  talk  or  laugh  or  express  affection  or  carry  on  any  of 
the  human  activities  which  we  take  for  granted  in  human  children.  She 
howled  and  prowled  like  a  wolf  in  the  stillness  of  the  night  and  until 
her  death  acted  more  like  a  wolf  than  a  child. 

Another  study 7  indicates  that  isolation  from  human  companionship 
results  in  marked  backwardness  and  deprives  the  child  of  the  opportu- 
nities of  learning  those  roles  and  habits  which  we  think  of  as  making  up 
personality:  the  ways  of  responding  to  situations,  the  habits  and  feelings 
which  make  human  personality  unique.  Such  evidence  supports  the  es- 
tablished theory  of  personality  development,  that  personality  develops 
mainly  through  contact  and  communication  with  other  persons.8 

You  bring  to  marriage  the  particular  set  of  habits  and  customs  of 
your  home-town  folk.  A  child  of  the  Tennessee  mountains  learns  the 
ways  of  the  hills  and  brings  those  patterns  to  marriage.  The  city  child 

6  Arnold  Gesell,  "Biography  of  a  Wolf -Child,"  Harper's  Magazine  (January, 
1941). 

7  Kingsley  Davis,  "Extreme  Social  Isolation  in  a  Child,"  American  Journal  of 
Sociology,  Vol.  45,  pp.  554-565. 

8  This  concept  of  personality  development  has  been  developed  through  the  first 
four  decades  of  the  twentieth  century  by  a  number  of  students,  notably,  C.  H.  Coo- 
ley,  Human  Nature  and  the  Social  Order  (1902),  Social  Organization  (1909);  John 
Dewey,  Human  Nature  and  Conduct   (1922),   Experience  and  Nature   (1925); 
George  H.  Mead,  Mind,  Self,  and  Society  (1934);  and  Ellsworth  Paris,  The  Nature 
of  Human  Nature  (1937) 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE 


learns  another  set  of  folkways  and  operates  in  conformity  to  them.  By 
and  large  the  freer  the  communication  with  the  greater  number  of  peo- 
ple, the  more  elaborate  is  the  personality  development  and  the  more 
complex  the  marriage  relationship. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  There  are  correct  and  incorrect  ways  of  using  the  term  "personality." 

Check  each  of  the  following  statements  as  true  or  false  according  to 
the  description  of  personality  used  by  the  authors  in  this  chapter. 

1  Personality  is  a  kind  of  inherited  charm. 

2  Anyone  who  wants  to  can  be  a  fascinating  personality. 

3  Some  people  are  born  with  personality. 

4  Your  personality  is  the  sum  total  of  the  characteristic  ways  of  behaving, 

feeling,  and  responding  that  determine  your  place  in  society. 

5  Everyone  is  born  with  the  same  chance  for  developing  a  lovely  person- 
ality. 

6  Brothers  and  sisters  should  rightly  have  the  same  kind  of  personality  since 

they  are  born  into  the  same  family. 

7  If  you  had  been  born  a  member  of  the  other  sex  you  would  still  have  had 

your  same  personality. 

8  In  the  last  analysis  every  personality  is  self-made. 

9  Personality  grows  out  of  family  living  and  rubbing  elbows  with  people 

outside  the  family. 

10  All  you  have  to  do  is  take  a  course  in  charm  to  become  the  kind  of  per- 
sonality you  would  like  to  be. 


*  KEY     01  '8  'L  '9  'S  '£  'Z  'I  :aspd     6  >  : 


Who  Am  I? 

As  soon  as  a  child  learns  the  difference  between  "I"  and  "others,"  he 
begins  to  explore  the  question,  "Who  am  I?"  9  This  adventure  into  the 
self  continues  throughout  the  lifetime  of  the  person,  coloring  many  of 
his  actions  and  determining  much  of  his  personality.  When  the  child 
is  still  very  small  he  learns  that  he  feels  different  in  different  situations, 
and  that  people  expect  him  to  behave  and  to  be  different  as  the  occa- 
sion demands.  He  may  be  messy  with  his  sand  but  not  with  his  pud- 
ding. He  may  hit  a  ball  but  not  his  baby  sister.  He  may  urinate  but 
only  in  prescribed  places.  Although  there  is  some  agreement  among 

9  For  more  extensive  treatments  of  the  rise  of  the  self,  see  Kimball  Young,  Per- 
sonality and  Problems  of  Adjustment  (New  York:  Crofts,  1940),  Chap.  9,  and  Erik 
Erikson,  Childhood  and  Society  (New  York:  Norton,  1950). 


10  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

his  family  about  such  things,  in  other  areas  he  finds  a  considerable  vari- 
ety of  treatment.  He  may  be  mother's  darling  baby  and  be  expected  to 
be  sweet,  cuddly,  and  affectionate  when  he  is  with  her.  His  father  may 
expect  him  to  be  a  little  man,  keeping  a  stiff  upper  lip  when  he  is  hurt, 
not  being  soft  or  mushy  but  showing  a  sturdy  self-control.  To  his  older 
sister  he  may  be  a  pest  who  will  very  probably  be  naughty,  get  into  her 
things,  and  play  the  role  of  general  nuisance.  To  his  Sunday  school 
teacher  he  may  be  the  little  angel  who  passes  the  hymn  books  and  sings 
on  key.  The  children  next  door  may  run  when  they  see  him  coming 
because  he  is  so  rough  when  he  plays  with  them.  To  each  of  these  peo- 
ple he  is  a  different  person.  All  of  these  roles  are  part  of  his  rapidly  de- 
veloping personality.  This  multiplicity  begins  early  in  his  development, 
and  its  elaboration  as  he  grows  older  makes  for  the  familiar  contra- 
dictions of  personality.  These  earlier  impersonations,  assumed  in  the 
child's  first  experience  with  people  in  the  family,  set  the  general  out- 
lines of  the  behavior  which  he  brings  to  marriage.  If  his  family  love 
him  and  make  him  feel  like  a  big  boy  capable  of  doing  great  things  and 
being  a  fine  acceptable  person,  he  will  be  able  to  make  a  more  successful 
adjustment  in  his  marriage.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  in  his  early  experi- 
ences he  is  made  to  feel  that  he  is  dirty,  bad,  inferior,  he  may  carry  these 
feelings  of  unworthiness  right  into  marriage  and  beyond,  unless  he  is 
helped  along  the  way  to  a  more  adequate  acceptance  of  himself. 

Masculinity-Femininity  Learnings.  You  were  born  male  or  female,  but 
you  learn  to  be  masculine  or  feminine.10  The  first  are  biological  in- 
heritances; the  second  are  ways  of  behaving  as  a  member  of  a  sex  group. 
The  masculine  or  feminine  habits  are  learned  first  in  childhood  and  be- 
come more  and  more  complicated  as  the  child  grows  into  adulthood  and 
gets  ready  to  be  married. 

People  used  to  say  that  children  imitate  adults.  Now  it  seems  that 
something  stronger  than  imitation  is  at  work  impelling  them  so  whole- 
heartedly to  take  over  the  behavior  of  others.  As  an  individual  finds 
people  who  embody  the  characteristics  that  he  is  seeking  for  himself,  he 
tends  to  become  deeply  attached  to  them  and  tries  out  their  ways  of 
behavior.  This  process  of  identification  starts  very  early  in  childhood. 
As  the  little  boy  admires  the  superior  strength  and  power  of  his  father, 

10  See  Amram  Scheinfeld,  Women  and  Men   (New  York:   Harcourt,  Brace, 
1944),  and  Margaret  Mead,  Male  and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1949). 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  11 

he  identifies  himself  with  him  and  acts  out  his  own  interpretation  of 
the  grown-up  man.  He  throws  out  his  chest  and  struts  like  his  daddy. 
He  wears  his  father's  hat  and  rubbers.  He  sits  in  daddy's  chair  with 
daddy's  pipe  in  his  mouth.  He  opens  the  door  for  his  mother  as  he 
sees  his  father  do,  kisses  her  good-by,  plays  the  man  of  the  house  as  he 
senses  the  part  to  be,  and  acts  out  through  the  years  the  patterns  of 
masculinity  he  sees  his  father  following. 

Similarly,  little  girls  trot  around  after  their  mothers,  wanting  to  wipe 
dishes  when  mother  does,  helping  to  sweep  and  dust,  talking  over  the 
telephone  in  the  same  tone  of  voice,  and  often  telling  the  same  little 
stories  that  they  hear  mother  telling.  A  little  girl  goes  through  the  many 
motions  of  being  a  mother  as  she  disciplines  her  dolls,  dresses  up,  goes 
calling,  and  puts  on  tea  parties.  She  takes  over  many  of  her  mother's 
attitudes  toward  the  man  of  the  house  and  often  openly  welcomes  her 
mother's  absence  so  that  she  can  set  the  table  and  take  care  of  father. 
All  this  time  she  is  building  the  basic  attitudes  of  her  role  as  a  woman 
which  she  is  to  bring  to  marriage. 

In  childhood  we  begin  to  practice  being  the  kinds  of  men  and  women 
we  are  to  become,  and  at  the  same  time  begin  to  formulate  our  ideas 
and  feelings  about  what  we  can  expect  of  others.  A  girl  who  is  fond  of 
her  strong,  protective  daddy  develops  a  faith  in  men  parallel  to  the  fear 
of  men  which  is  learned  by  the  girl  whose  father  is  harsh.  The  boy 
whose  mother  is  kind,  encouraging,  and  loving  is  a  great  deal  more  likely 
to  appreciate  women  than  is  the  man  who  fears  them  because  his  mas- 
culinity was  undermined  by  a  mother  too  ready  to  punish  him.  We 
learn  out  of  our  experience  with  these  first  adults  both  what  seems  to  be 
expected  of  us  as  members  of  our  sex  and  what  we  feel  we  can  expect  of 
people  in  general. 

People  do  what  is  expected  of  them,  if  they  can.  The  lad  who  is 
told  that  little  boys  don't  cry  when  they  are  hurt,  that  boys  must  fight 
for  their  rights,  who  sees  his  father  confirming  these  lessons  in  his  ac- 
tions, is  learning  what  it  means  to  be  a  man.  If  his  father  is  a  ne'er-do- 
well  and  if  his  mother  and  other  influential  persons  try  to  teach  him  to 
be  different  by  scolding  him  for  being  "just  like  your  father,"  he  faces 
the  difficult  task  of  choosing  which  type  of  man  he  is  going  to  be  —  the 
type  he  has  been  identifying  himself  with,  his  real  father,  or  the  type  he 
is  being  urged  to  become,  the  opposite  of  his  father. 


12  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Our  conception  of  the  ideal  woman  is  changing  so  rapidly  girls  can't 
be  blamed  for  being  confused.  The  girl  who  sees  her  mother  getting 
what  she  wants  by  crying  for  it,  and  being  comforted  in  her  tears,  learns 
that  it  is  all  right  for  a  girl  to  cry;  indeed,  that  it  is  the  way  to  get  along 
as  a  woman.  Then  as  she  grows  older  and  begins  to  admire  other 
women  who  get  their  satisfactions  through  rugged  determination  or 
more  straight-forward  approaches,  she  perceives  other  ways  of  playing 
the  feminine  role.  Her  choice  of  the  kind  of  woman  she  is  to  become 
depends  first  of  all  on  the  type  of  person  she  is,  where  her  deepest  satis- 
factions lie,  and  how  she  is  rewarded  and  punished  as  she  tries  first  one 
and  then  another  pattern.  Many  girls  find  it  impossible  to  select  from 
the  contradictory  alternatives  a  feminine  role  with  which  they  can  be 
happy.  Happy  is  the  girl  who  knows  the  kind  of  woman  she  wants  to 
be  before  marriage,  because  it  is  in  marriage  that  femininity  receives  its 
greatest  test. 

Our  Human  Needs 

Certain  universal  hungers  run  through  the  course  of  human  living.  So 
powerful  and  so  insistent  are  these  that  they  cannot  be  denied  without 
distorting  or  impoverishing  the  personality.  These  needs  have  been 
widely  discussed  and  frequently  catalogued.  Whatever  they  are  called 
or  however  they  are  listed,  they  remain  the  great  universal  needs  that 
are  sought  by  human  beings  everywhere. 

Our  physical  needs  announce  themselves  so  specifically  and  unmis- 
takably that  they  are  widely  recognized.  The  need  for  food  is  recog- 
nized immediately  by  feelings  of  hunger.  Need  for  water  manifests  it- 
self promptly  in  thirst.  Organic  demands  for  rest,  exercise,  elimination, 
relief  from  pain  and  tension,  tolerable  temperature,  and  oxygen  vary 
in  the  intensity  and  specificity  of  their  manifestations,  yet  are  quite 
generally  understood.  Our  attitude  toward  these  physical  needs  is 
one  of  general  acceptance.  When  we  are  hungry  we  eat,  when 
tired  we  sleep,  when  thirsty  we  drink,  all  without  embarrassment  or 
defense. 

Emotional  requirements  are  neither  so  well  recognized  nor  so  ac- 
cepted. Deprivations  of  emotional  satisfactions  may  not  show  up  im- 
mediately, and  when  they  do  they  may  appear  in  any  one  of  many  highly 
individual  forms.  Behavior  directed  toward  satisfaction  of  emotional 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  13 

needs  is  often  subtly  indirect  rather  than  obviously  direct.  It  usually 
looks  toward  persons  rather  than  toward  things.  Hence,  it  is  more  diffi- 
cult to  understand  and  to  accept. 

A  hungry  man  eats  without  question.  But  an  affection-starved  fel- 
low may  aggressively  demand  attention,  or  he  may  hit  his  child  who 
seems  to  be  directing  his  wife's  attention  away  from  himself,  or  he  may 
sulk  or  argue  or  slam  out  of  the  door  or  throw  a  temper  tantrum;  he 
may  refuse  to  eat,  or,  rarely,  he  may  take  the  more  direct  approach  and 
cuddle  up  to  be  kissed.  Any  or  all  of  these  behavior  expressions  of  his 
needs  may  be  unrecognized  or  ignored  by  all  but  the  highly  sensitive 
wife.  Indeed,  he  may  be  further  deprived  by  being  punished  for  actions 
not  acceptable  to  his  wife.  So  his  hunger  goes  unsatisfied,  and  he,  just 
as  needful  as  before,  makes  his  adjustment  around  his  deprivation.  Pro- 
longed or  intense  neglect  of  emotional  hungers  distorts  the  personality. 
Patterns  of  hostility  or  discouragement  or  both  develop  when  the  per- 
son feels  chronically  that  he  must  fight  for  what  he  wants  in  a  hostile 
world. 

Learning  to  recognize  and  meet  satisfactorily  the  emotional  needs  of 
each  other  is  a  challenge  for  married  couples.  Although  there  are  dif- 
ferences among  individuals,  two  types  of  emotional  needs  are  so  univer- 
sal that  they  are  common  to  all  of  us:  the  need  for  love  and  the  need 
for  a  sense  of  personal  worth. 

We  Need  Love.  Love  is  not  just  an  adornment  of  life  about  which 
we  sing  and  toward  which  we  turn  as  we  begin  to  go  dating.  We  need 
love  throughout  all  our  lives.  Love  is  as  necessary  for  us  as  is  sun- 
shine and  fresh  air  for  the  tomato.  With  love  and  full  acceptance  we 
flourish,  and  grow  strong  and  happy;  without  them  we  develop  fears 
and  other  symptoms  of  ill  health.  As  Dr.  Benjamin  Spock  says  n  "this 
is  not  just  sentimental  talk.  It  is  a  fact  that  infants  who  have  long  been 
starved  for  company  and  affection  .  .  .  may  wither  in  body  and  spirit. 
They  lose  all  joy  in  doing  things  and  seeing  people.  .  .  .  Such  tragedies 
are  rare.  But  they  prove  that  love  is  as  vital  as  calories.  .  .  ." 

Children  recognize  many  ways  of  being  loved.  They  warm  to  moth- 
er's words  of  approval  and  try  even  harder  to  be  worthy  of  her  love. 
They  watch  for  signs  of  affection  on  the  faces  of  those  around  them  and 
direct  most  of  their  activities  toward  winning  and  holding  adult  com- 

11  Benjamin  Spock,  M.D.,  Keynote  Address,  Midcentury  White  House  Confer- 
ence on  Children  and  Youth,  Washington,  1950. 


14  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

mendations.  Their  need  for  reassurance  is  most  evident,  however,  when 
they  have  done  something  wrong  or  when  they  are  sick  or  hurt. 

The  need  for  love  is  so  strong  that  half-way  measures  rarely  satisfy. 
We  often  hear  a  mother  tell  her  child,  "Mother  loves  you  when  you  are 
good/'  She  little  realizes  when  she  does  this  that  she  is  threatening  the 
child  with  the  withdrawal  of  her  love.  Vulnerable  as  he  is,  the  child 
will  hang  on  tenaciously  or  abandon  his  struggle  for  her  love  completely, 
since  it  is  withdrawn  so  easily.  Actually,  every  child  needs  the  affection 
of  his  parents  whether  or  not  he  has  earned  it.  When  he  is  bad  or 
when  he  displeases  them  he  needs  their  love  more  than  ever.  Being 
loved  for  what  he  is  rather  than  for  what  he  does  makes  him  feel  in- 
cluded and  reassures  him  that  he  belongs  no  matter  what. 

Adolescents  pass  through  many  love-hungry  days  yearning  for  a  more 
adult  variety  of  love  than  is  available.  The  satisfactions  of  earlier  days 
are  no  longer  so  accessible.  As  legs  grow  long,  the  snuggling  and  cud- 
dling forms  of  loving  are  no  longer  feasible.  Adolescents  dodge  their 
mother's  caresses  at  the  time  when  they  want  them  most,  and  protest 
their  sister's  kisses  with  a  vigor  which  implies  their  need  for  love.  Yet 
it  will  be  years  before  they  are  permitted  the  full  affectional  responses 
of  adults  in  marriage.  Adolescence  is  a  period  of  striving  for  affection 
and  acceptance  characterized  by  inconsistency  and  frustration.  (See 
the  discussion  of  adolescent-parent  interaction  in  Chapter  Seventeen.) 

Adults  are  more  fortunate  in  finding  the  means  of  satisfying  their 
need  for  love.  Within  the  intimacies  of  marriage  and  in  the  parent- 
child  relation  there  is  opportunity  to  supply  the  strongest  wishes  for  in- 
timate response.  There  is,  however,  a  two-way  quality  to  love  that  is 
essential  for  complete  fulfillment.  It  isn't  enough  to  be  loved;  one  must 
feel  free  to  love  others  without  fear  of  being  rebuffed.  Members  of  the 
minority  groups  in  America,  Negroes,  Indians,  Orientals,  and  others, 
may  be  loved  by  their  intimate  friends  but  find  themselves  so  inhibited 
in  affectional  expressions  outside  their  own  circles  that  they  feel  chroni- 
cally deprived.  Likewise,  unattractive  persons  fight  the  haunting  fear 
of  not  being  fully  acceptable  and  may  suppress  their  friendly  tendencies 
toward  others  after  many  uncomfortable  rebuffs.  Men  and  women  fear- 
ing that  their  expressions  of  interest  in  the  other  sex  may  be  misinter- 
preted as  philandering  suppress  them  so  completely  that  their  full  needs 
for  response  often  go  unsatisfied.  A  few  unusually  emancipated  persons 
respond  so  forthrightly  to  others  that  they  are  able  to  express  their  af- 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  15 

faction  for  many  persons  without  being  misunderstood  or  misinter- 
preted.12 

These  patterns  of  affectional  response  are  learned  throughout  a  per- 
son's lifetime.  The  general  outlines  are  laid  down  in  childhood  when 
the  person  first  begins  to  respond  to  others.  If  his  responses  are  ac- 
cepted and  reciprocated  he  learns  that  it  is  safe  and  good  to  love  and  be 
loved,  and  as  he  grows  older  his  skills  in  being  warm  and  friendly  in- 
crease. As  he  is  neglected  or  abused  or  ignored  or  repelled,  he  shrinks 
back  into  himself  or  lashes  out  toward  others  in  ways  that  protect  his 
hurt  ego  but  fail  to  satisfy  his  need.  Later  reassurances  from  friends, 
sweethearts,  and  mate  can  gradually  rekindle  his  desire  to  respond  fully 
and  freely  again,  but  the  retraining  period  is  often  long.  The  emotion- 
ally starved  individual  is  rarely  a  good  marital  risk;  for  even  though  he 
needs  love  desperately,  he  has  been  without  it  so  long  that  his  own  de- 
fenses are  apt  to  repudiate  it.  The  art  of  loving  is  learned  through 
years  of  practice  in  loving  and  being  loved.  And  like  the  starving  man 
who  cannot  assimilate  a  full  meal  at  once  but  must  be  fed  slowly,  in 
small  quantities,  so  the  emotionally  deprived  must  be  patiently  recon- 
ditioned to  full  adult  love.  Grandmother  recognized  that  she  shouldn't 
marry  a  man  to  reform  his  habits.  Today  it  is  known  that  marrying  an 
unhappy,  lonely  person  in  the  hope  of  making  him  or  her  happy  is 
equally  discouraging.  The  old  patterns  of  adjusting  are  so  deeply  en- 
trenched that  only  exceptional  skill  and  infinite  patience  can  bring  about 
satisfactory  reconditioning. 

In  summary,  we  see  that  we  all  need  to  love  and  to  be  loved.  The  ex- 
pression of  this  need  changes  as  we  mature  and  as  we  learn  more  satis- 
fying ways  of  meeting  it.  We  may  or  may  not  express  directly  the  de- 
sire to  be  loved.  Our  affectional  hungers  often  go  unmentioned  and 
unsatisfied  only  to  betray  themselves  in  inappropriate  tantrums  and  ex- 
cessive demands  on  others.  But  the  ability  to  love  fully  and  genuinely 
is  so  important  that  those  married  partners  who  have  mastered  it  find 
fundamental  satisfactions  in  their  marriage  that  other  less  skilled  per- 
sons lack,  regardless  of  how  well  they  may  be  matched  otherwise. 

We  Need  a  Sense  of  Personal  Worth.  A  need  which  parallels  the  need 
for  love  is  the  desire  to  feel  that  one  is  worthy  of  respect.  Other  people 

12  This  problem  is  discussed  in  considerable  detail  in  Chapter  Seven,  "Does 
Morality  Make  Sense?"  pp.  129-149.  See  especially  section  on  "Responsive  In- 
tegrity." 


16  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

set  the  standards  by  which  self-appraisal  is  made,  but  it  is  pretty  much 
up  to  the  individual  to  say  which  of  the  goals  shall  be  his  to  attain. 
Whatever  the  realm  of  achievement  may  be,  he  needs  to  feel  that  he  is 
a  growing,  progressing  person. 

In  infancy  there  is  ample  evidence  of  rapid  growth  and  motor  devel- 
opment. The  first  undirected  leg  and  foot  movements  are  preliminary 
to  those  which  propel  the  baby  across  the  floor  in  creeping  movements. 
That  first  thrilling  moment  when,  by  holding  onto  a  chair,  he  first  stands 
erect  and  looks  his  world  over  from  the  vertical  rather  than  the  horizon- 
tal plane  is  but  the  threshold  of  the  adventure  of  learning  to  walk.  Mo- 
tor development  is  remarkable  —  creeping,  walking,  jumping;  riding  a 
tricycle,  a  scooter,  a  bicycle;  then  the  first  exciting  attempts  at  the  wheel 
of  the  family  car! 

Building  skills  also  bring  their  satisfactions.  Whether  the  media  be 
cookie  dough  or  soft  pine  lumber,  clay  or  engine  parts,  erector  sets  or 
radio  equipment,  the  satisfaction  of  making  something  spurs  us  on  and 
brings  to  many  a  keen  sense  of  progress.  While  one  child  finds  his  sat- 
isfaction in  using  his  hands  and  in  getting  around,  another  may  find 
greater  pleasure  in  precocious  mental  achievements.  The  Quiz  Kids  are 
not  only  unusually  bright  youngsters;  every  one  of  them  has  grown  up 
in  a  home  where  learning  has  brought  unusually  keen  satisfactions. 

Evidence  of  the  need  to  feel  growth  is  seen  in  the  popularity  of  such 
mental  sparring  games  as  quiz  shows,  popular  versions  of  psychological 
tests,  and  crossword  puzzles.  The  reason  that  many  men  keep  golf 
scores  so  religiously  is  that  the  opportunity  to  measure  their  present  per- 
formance with  some  past  achievement  gives  them  pleasure.  To  feel  the 
power  of  growth  within  oneself  is  a  magnificent  sensation.  To  look 
over  the  past  five  or  ten  years  and  see  how  far  one  has  come  in  the  ability 
to  get  along  with  people,  in  the  development  of  a  satisfying  hobby,  in 
performance  in  one's  business  or  profession,  gives  keen  satisfaction  that 
is  its  own  reward. 

The  lack  of  this  sense  of  personal  worth  is  seen  in  the  multitude  of 
weary-eyed  wanderers  who,  losing  faith  in  themselves,  lose  faith  in  oth- 
ers and  in  life  itself.  The  beaten,  hangdog  attitude  which  anticipates 
failure  more  often  than  not  finds  it.  On  the  other  hand,  the  man  who 
brings  to  marriage  the  rewards  of  years  of  achievement  and  growth 
brings  with  him  the  faith  that  he  can  work  out  marriage  adjustments  as 
they  arise,  an  attribute  to  weigh  heavily  in  married  life. 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  17 

Modes  of  Adjusting  to  Unmet  Needs.  Methods  of  meeting  unmet 
needs  are  so  standardized  that  psychologists  have  given  them  the  name 
mechanisms.  These  modes  of  adjustment  are  for  the  most  part  substi- 
tutive,  and  rest  on  willingness  to  accept  something  less  than  the  real 
thing.  There  are  two  general  types,  escape  and  the  defense  mecha- 
nisms. 

The  escape  mechanisms  are  all  characterized  by  displacement  of  at- 
tention away  from  the  unhappy  situation  which  produced  the  frustra- 
tion, and  are  most  frequently  carried  over  from  childhood  patterns  of 
adjustment.  The  schoolboy  expresses  the  values  of  escape  when  he 
chants,  "He  who  ducks  and  runs  away  lives  to  duck  another  day."  The 
trouble  is  that  running  away  becomes  a  habit  and  takes  up  more  time 
and  emotional  energy  than  the  original  situation  warranted.  There  are 
some  crises  from  which  one  should  escape,  but  they  are  far  fewer  than 
our  poorly  trained  emotions  would  have  us  believe.  Standing  up  to  life, 
understanding  what  the  problem  is  and  accepting  it,  develops  the  men- 
tal stamina  which  is  needed  in  marriage.  Escape  mechanisms  enable 
the  individual  to  alleviate  the  pain  of  frustration  temporarily  but  do 
nothing  about  meeting  his  long-time  needs.  There  are  many  forms  of 
escape,  the  most  frequent  of  which  are: 

1  Daydreaming  or  fantasy,  in  which  the  problem  is  solved  by  forgetting  it; 
building  air  castles  in  which  there  are  no  problems  of  any  consequence. 

2  Walking  out  on  the  problem  or  running  away  from  it,  refusing  to  talk 
about  it,  passing  the  buck. 

3  Retiring  into  oneself,  being  with  the  group  but  not  of  it,  developing  seclu- 
siveness,  withdrawing  from  contacts. 

4  Regressing  to  infantile  levels,  backsliding  to  simpler  or  earlier  forms  of  be- 
havior which  brought  attention  and  satisfaction:  bed-wetting,  thumb  suck- 
ing, temper  tantrums,  refusal  to  eat,  and  so  on. 

5  Becoming  sick,  developing  illnesses  that  come  from  mental  more  than 
physical  causes:  headaches,  stomach  troubles,  tics,  and  other  troubles 
which  enable  the  afflicted  to  run  away  from  some  difficulty. 

The  defense  mechanisms  are  modes  of  adjustment  by  which  the  per- 
son bolsters  himself  when  he  feels  threatened  or  inadequate.  The  in- 
dividual is  faced  with  a  need,  but  as  he  reaches  out  to  satisfy  it  he  is 
frustrated  by  an  obstacle  or  force  which  proves  too  great  for  him.  In- 
stead of  making  a  direct  attack  on  the  obstacle  he  allows  himself  to  be 


It  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

maneuvered  into  taking  something  less  than  the  real  thing;  he  may  pre- 
tend he  didn't  want  the  need  satisfied  anyway,  or  may  even  deny  the 
existence  of  the  need.  The  defense  mechanisms  all  have  one  generic 
factor  in  common :  they  all  enable  the  individual  using  them  to  prove  to 
himself  that  there  is  nothing  wrong  with  him  and  that  the  entire  blame 
for  his  difficulties  can  be  placed  elsewhere.  The  defense  mechanisms 
most  frequently  observed  include: 

1  Compensation,  making  up  for  a  lack  by  overworking  one's  strengths,  at- 
taining satisfaction  by  enjoyment  in  a  substitutive  activity. 

2  Rationalization,  giving  "good"  excuses  for  one's  behavior  instead  of  the 
real  ones,  justifying  and  defending  mistakes  as  if  they  were  wise  decisions. 
Rationalization  is  accomplished  in  a  variety  of  ways: 

a.  Being  a  Pollyanna,  pretending  that  everything  is  wonderful. 

b.  Taking  a  sour-grapes  attitude,  pretending  you  don't  want  to  succeed. 

c.  Projecting  your  failure  on  others,  seeing  in  them  the  weakness  you  are 
trying  to  cover  up  in  yourself. 

3  Negativism,  resisting  domination,  a  common  form  of  defending  oneself. 

These  mechanisms,  sometimes  conscious,  sometimes  unconscious  so- 
lutions to  problem  situations,  are  rarely  effective,  because  they  are  modes 
of  adjustment  by  subterfuge  and  substitution  and  do  not  really  bring  the 
craved  satisfactions.  Pretending  that  you  don't  like  boys  when  you  don't 
have  a  date  doesn't  give  you  a  partner  for  the  evening  nor  prepare  you 
to  be  more  winsome  another  time.  Nor  is  there  any  gain  in  blaming 
your  lack  of  popularity  on  your  mother,  your  clothes,  or  your  roommate. 
Staying  in  and  dreaming  about  being  a  pin-up  girl  with  men  flocking 
around  you  may  be  one  way  to  spend  the  evening,  but  it  doesn't  get  you 
a  date  to  the  prom.  Similarly,  every  other  mechanism  tends  to  dodge 
the  really  effective  ways  of  reaching  the  goals  that  you  are  striving  to 
attain. 

Confident  persons  develop  the  conviction  that  problems  lend  them- 
selves to  solution  and  choose  direct  ways  of  satisfying  their  needs.  They 
are  able  to  admit  to  themselves  that  they  are  hungry  or  lonely  or  angry 
and  then  deal  with  the  situation  in  an  acceptable  way.  The  direct  ap- 
proach is  learned  through  success  in  past  forthrightness;  it  not  only 
brings  release  for  the  moment  but  also  establishes  the  habit  of  direct 
satisfaction  that  assures  good  marriage  adjustment. 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  If 

Growing  Up  as  a  Person 

How  grown  up  are  you?  Are  you  mature  enough  for  marriage?  You 
may  be  legally  of  age,  but  how  about  your  emotional  age?  You  grow 
up  in  many  different  ways,  physically,  mentally,  and  emotionally,  and 
the  rate  of  growth  is  not  uniform.  Some  growth  is  regular,  predictable, 
and  almost  unalterable,  whereas  some  is  sporadic  and  irregular. 

Chronologically,  one  year  from  today  we  will  be  exactly  one  year 
older,  regardless  of  what  happens.  We  may  suffer  a  severe  illness,  move 
across  the  country,  get  married,  or  just  stay  put,  but  nothing  will  change 
the  regularity  of  our  chronological  aging. 

Physically  our  growth  within  certain  broad  limits  is  regular  and  pre- 
dictable. Taking  into  consideration  wide  individual  differences,  human 
development  experts  can  accurately  plot  the  whole  timetable  of  growth 
from  conception  through  senility.  Heredity  gets  the  ball  rolling,  diet 
and  other  environmental  circumstances  keep  it  going.  Speaking  of 
physical  growth  only,  no  man  can  add  a  cubit  to  his  stature  by  willing  it. 

Mentally  we  move  forward  with  new  experiences  and  then  settle 
onto  plateaus  of  learning  which  break  as  we  move  on  to  the  next  level 
of  growth.  This  staircase  type  of  development  seems  to  be  far  more 
rapid  in  our  infancy  when  we  are  busy  mastering  the  fundamentals  of 
communication,  locomotion,  and  general  exploration  than  it  is  later  on. 
Studies  indicate  that  even  while  we  are  at  the  preschool  age,  mental 
growth  is  affected  by  our  feelings  about  ourselves  and  the  nature  of  our 
surroundings.13  As  we  find  life  challenging  and  feel  that  we  are  able  to 
master  it,  we  learn  rapidly  and  maintain  a  sustained  pattern  of  mental 
growth.  When  we  feel  stumped  or  frustrated  we  may  quit  trying  and 
stagnate  at  a  level  below  our  true  capacity.  The  indications  are  that  na- 
tive intelligence  is  greatly  influenced  by  position  in  society,  by  assured 
opportunities,  by  where  we  live  and  how  we  interpret  life's  opportuni- 
ties. Thus  the  lower  class  lad  with  a  high  native  IQ  may  not  achieve 
the  intellectual  growth  of  an  upper  middle  class  fellow  with  very  aver- 
age native  ability,  because  of  the  limitations  in  the  values,  expectations, 
and  opportunities  under  which  he  operates. 

Emotionally  our  growth  is  highly  individual.  No  other  area  of 
growth  is  more  irregular  and  unpredictable.  Some  adults  are  more  in- 

18  George  Stoddard,   The  Meaning  of  Intelligence   (New  York:   Macmillan, 
1943)»PP-  345»  347-392. 


20  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

fantile  emotionally  than  children  whole  generations  younger.  Some 
emotional  responses  may  develop  far  ahead  of  others  because  habits  of 
responding  to  situations  grow  out  of  experience.  Where  there  are  op- 
portunities for  learning  how  to  handle  a  specific  situation  in  compe- 
tent fashion,  the  person  builds  satisfactory  emotional  habits  with  re- 
gard to  it.  Because  emotional  development  comes  through  contacts 
with  others,  it  can  be  traced  through  the  stages  of  social  growth  that 
follow. 

Sfages  in  Social  Growth.  As  infants  we  were  limited  to  the  hazy 
world  of  feelings  and  sensations.  We  hadn't  been  anywhere  yet.  Our 
eyes  focused  poorly.  We  didn't  understand  what  we  heard.  All  was 
strange  and  new  and  unknown.  Our  own  bodies  occupied  us  entirely 
at  first.  We  felt  hungry  and  cold  and  uneasy  and  lashed  out  with  kicks 
and  screams,  our  whole  squirming  body  expressing  our  uneasiness.  We 
expressed  our  pleasure  over  food  and  warmth  and  a  sense  of  well-being 
by  cooing,  gurgling,  and  kicking  out  with  lusty  enthusiasm. 

1  Receiving.    All  this  time  we  were  entirely  on  the  receiving  end  of 
things.    We  swallowed  the  milk  that  was  put  into  our  mouths.    We 
slept  and  wakened  and  thrashed  about  without  direction  or  purpose. 
When  we  became  hungry  we  were  quite  intolerant,  entirely  unaware  of 
the  circumstances  that  made  for  delays  in  our  feeding.    Those  first  re- 
sponses to  life  were  explosive.    By  uncontrolled  outcries  we  demanded 
our  own  satisfactions  without  regard  for  others.    Many  of  us  could  point 
out  situations  in  adult  life  which  evoke  the  self-centered  "gimme"  atti- 
tude of  the  infant. 

2  Manipulation.    We  were  not  many  weeks  old  before  we  learned 
that  there  was  a  relationship  between  what  we  did  and  the  satisfactions 
we  enjoyed.    We  learned  that  our  cries  brought  mother  to  comfort  us. 
We  discovered  that  our  coos  brought  father  in  to  play  with  us.    By 
trial  and  error  we  found  out  what  it  took  to  get  others  to  yield  to  our 
demands.    A  little  later  we  developed  elaborate  systems  of  teasing,  brib- 
ing, and  coaxing  as  means  of  getting  people  to  do  what  we  wanted  them 
to  do.    One  baby  learned  to  depend  upon  her  dimples  and  sweet  ways, 
while  another,  feeling  less  sure  that  her  world  was  a  friendly  one,  lashed 
out  in  temper  tantrums  when  things  didn't  go  her  way.    The  child  is 
supported  in  any  of  his  manipulations  if  it  is  apparent  that  satisfactions 
are  regularly  forthcoming. 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  21 

Too  often  adults  try  to  get  more  of  what  they  want  by  getting  around 
friends  and  influencing  people.  This  childish  mode  of  emotional  and 
social  adjustment  is  everywhere  apparent  both  in  public  and  private  life, 
and  is  evident  in  the  many  efforts  husbands  and  wives  make  to  manipu- 
late and  control  their  partners.  Fortunately,  many  children  outgrow 
these  attempts  to  manage  others,  and  before  they  reach  school  age  are 
already  practicing  more  grown-up  forms  of  adaptation. 

3  Compromise.    When  we  were  old  enough  to  get  hold  of  toys  that 
belonged  to  others  we  trod  on  their  rights,  and  trouble  was  brewing. 
The  baby  tricks  that  brought  the  family  to  our  cradle  lost  their  potency 
in  the  rough  and  tumble  of  more  grown-up  family  interplay.    Mother 
showed  her  disapproval  of  continual  wet  panties,  so  we  tried  to  win  her 
smile  and  avoid  her  scowl  by  keeping  dry.    We  sensed  the  size  and 
strength  of  our  all-powerful  parents  and  tried  to  win  their  favor  by  the 
kind  of  behavior  they  asked  of  us.    Our  brothers  and  sisters  had  to  be 
won  over  by  some  recognition  of  their  rights.    If  we  wanted  to  play 
with  Jimmy's  fire  engine,  he  must  be  convinced  of  the  desirability  of 
playing  with  our  Kiddie  Kar.    This  familiar  "you  do  this  for  me  and  I'll 
do  that  for  you"  type  of  compromise  is  more  mature  than  simple  ma- 
nipulation, since  it  recognizes  the  values  and  interests  of  the  other.    It 
is  widespread  in  adult  society  and  runs  through  much  of  marital  adap- 
tation.   Yet  it  leaves  much  to  be  desired  in  comparison  with  more  co- 
operative patterns  of  interaction  such  as  sharing  and  creative  coopera- 
tion. 

4  Sharing.    When  Jimmy  with  his  fire  engine  and  Johnny  with  his 
Kiddie  Kar  join  forces  and  wheel  noisily  down  the  walk  in  a  two-man 
parade,  they  are  already  feeling  something  that  is  more  fun  than  merely 
taking  turns  and  exchanging  their  equipment.    They  are  beginning  to 
find  the  satisfactions  of  sharing  which  will  be  rediscovered  in  games, 
sports,  and  other  activities  that  revolve  around  common  values.    Play- 
ing farmer  in  the  dell  and  drop  the  handkerchief  may  not  sound  like 
fun  to  an  adult,  but  such  games  were  once  exciting  entrees  into  sharing 
with  others,  a  variety  of  social  enjoyment  that  is  not  found  in  solitary 
activities. 

Sharing  as  a  method  of  social  adjustment  starts  in  the  family  circle 
and  continues  on  into  adulthood.  As  we  learri  to  note  and  respect  the 
needs  of  others  and  to  pool  our  resources  with  theirs  in  the  pursuit  of 


22  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

mutually  satisfying  values,  we  are  beginning  to  enjoy  the  full  richness  of 
interrelationships  that  may  be  achieved  by  emotionally  mature  adults. 

5  Creative  Cooperation.  Beyond  the  satisfactions  of  personal  shar- 
ing lie  the  rewards  of  joining  forces  with  others  for  the  pursuit  of  inter- 
ests that  are  bigger  than  any  one  of  the  cooperating  partners.  The 
couple  that  has  found  the  joy  of  working  together  in  community  affairs 
taps  deep  wells  of  satisfaction  that  quench  the  thirst  of  loneliness. 
The  family  that  lives  for  something  beyond  its  own  immediate  wants 
and  throws  its  resources  into  creative  social  projects  not  only  gets  more 
out  of  life  as  it  goes  along,  but  also  helps  each  of  its  members  attain  the 
kind  of  maturity  that  assures  them  of  successful  human  interrelation- 
ships. 

Phil  and  Mary  were  such  a  couple.  When  they  finished  medical 
college  they  married  and  moved  to  a  Southern  mountain  community, 
where  they  set  up  a  much-needed  hospital  and  clinic  service.  They 
worked  shoulder  to  shoulder  through  the  years.  As  their  children  came, 
they  too  became  part  of  the  project.  Personal  and  family  disputes  were 
ironed  out  relatively  easily,  because  there  were  always  more  serious  things 
to  be  done  together.  One  by  one  the  children  grew  up  and  went  on 
to  college,  into  marriage,  and  on  into  their  own  vocations.  Scattered 
around  the  world,  they  still  keep  in  touch  with  each  other  and  with  the 
home  folks.  Phil  and  Mary  had  built  their  marriage  on  the  basis  of  in- 
terest in  and  devotion  to  a  common  purpose.  Their  children  grew  up 
prepared  in  turn  to  establish  sound  marriages,  and  they  found,  in  the 
example  of  their  parents,  that  success  in  marriage  comes  from  throwing 
themselves  wholeheartedly  into  meaningful  programs  outside  them- 
selves. Seven  new  families  now  carry  on  the  tradition  of  creative  co- 
operation of  losing  themselves  in  something  bigger  than  themselves. 

Self-centered  people  often  expect  marriage  to  be  a  case  of  "they  lived 
happily  ever  after/'  They  frequently  demand  personal  satisfactions  to 
the  exclusion  of  the  larger  needs  of  the  marriage  and  of  themselves. 
They  are  often  too  infantile  to  lose  themselves  in  values  larger  than 
those  of  the  immediate  present.  Professor  Terman  14  in  a  study  of  the 
most  frequently  mentioned  grievances  of  husbands  and  wives  found 
most  of  them  to  be  of  the  infantile  order  of  social-emotional  responses: 
"selfish  and  inconsiderate,"  "complains  too  much,"  "not  affectionate," 

14  Lewis  M.  Terman  and  associates,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happi- 
ness (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938) ,  p.  105. 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  23 

"insincere,"  "criticizes  me,"  "argumentative,"  and  so  on.  We  conclude 
from  the  foregoing  that  socialization  needs  to  be  carried  to  the  level  of 
sharing  and  creative  cooperation  to  produce  personalities  that  will  be 
best  equipped  for  marriage.  Marriage  is  not  child's  play  but  requires 
the  values,  habits,  and  attitudes  of  adults,  and  its  satisfactions  are  for 
those  who  are  emotionally  ready  to  enjoy  them. 

Fulfillment  of  Needs  through  Changing  Appetites.  Maturity  doesn't 
mean  that  we  are  all  set.  As  long  as  we  live  we  continue  to  grow.  As  we 
develop,  our  adjustments  to  others  change,  as  we  have  just  seen.  We 
tend  to  give  more  of  ourselves  and  to  demand  less  of  others.  Yet 
throughout  the  whole  life  span  we  have  needs  that  other  people  satisfy. 

All  living  things  have  to  get  substances  and  energies  necessary  for 
growth  from  their  surroundings.  A  tomato  plant  must  have  the  proper 
soil  and  sun  and  moisture  in  order  to  grow  at  its  best.  A  puppy  must 
be  given  plenty  of  chance  to  suck  and  to  chew,  and  must  be  kept  warm 
and  allowed  to  sleep  and  play,  if  it  is  to  develop  into  a  healthy,  com- 
fortable animal.  Children  as  well  as  older  people  have  needs  that  must 
be  satisfied  if  they  are  to  be  healthy,  strong,  and  happy.  Many  of  these 
needs  continue  for  a  lifetime  and  are  common  to  all  people  everywhere. 
Other  needs  are  modified  as  the  person  grows  older.  Food,  for  instance, 
is  a  necessity  for  everyone,  but  the  form  in  which  it  is  needed  changes 
with  the  years.  The  baby  needs  carefully  prepared  milk  products  that 
would  scarcely  satisfy  a  hungry  man  who  craves  a  steak.  The  infant  is 
satisfied  with  its  feeding  without  table  adornments,  such  as  flowers,  sil- 
ver service,  candlelight,  or  linens.  The  adult  builds  around  his  elemen- 
tal needs  for  food  the  need  for  certain  embellishments  which  tends  to 
become  part  of  the  basic  requirement.  He  wants  not  only  the  steak,  but 
all  the  fixings. 

The  table  that  follows  indicates  the  way  our  personality  needs  change 
as  we  develop  through  childhood  and  into  adulthood.  Following  the 
need  for  intervals  of  solitude  as  infants,  we  develop  needs  for  compan- 
ionship. To  our  two  or  three  companions  of  preschool  days  we  add 
many  more  as  we  get  into  school;  then  as  adolescents  we  mingle  freely 
among  a  great  many  friends.  Similarly  our  activity  needs  change  from 
those  of  the  rudimentary  interaction  of  the  nonsocialized  child  to  those 
of  the  team  play  and  sharing  of  grown-up  activities.  Our  love  needs 
grow  from  love  of  mother  to  deepening  friendships  of  adolescence  by 


24 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


way  of  the  affection  within  the  family  and  the  group  loyalties  character- 
istic of  the  school  years.  Our  needs  for  attention  change,  too,  from  the 
more  or  less  constant  care  required  in  infancy.  By  adolescence  we  are 
ready  for  the  more  grown-up  forms  of  attention,  such  as  encouragement, 
and  reassurance  that  we  can  carry  on  with  a  minimum  of  supervision. 
The  schematic  outline  of  changing  needs  shown  in  the  accompanying 
chart  is  not  to  be  interpreted  rigidly  but  should  be  understood  as  de- 
scriptive merely  of  the  stages  we  attain  as  personality  develops.  Like- 
wise, the  process  of  developing  from  receiving  through  to  cooperating 
with  others  is  one  that  is  not  determined  by  age  alone.  Adults  still  re- 
sort to  exchange.  We  all  like  to  lie  back  and  passively  receive  at  times. 


Infant 


HOW  NEEDS  CHANGE  WITH  GROWTH 
Preschool    Child          School  Child  Adolescent 


Adult 


SIGNIFICANT    PEOPLE 

Family,  espe-        Two  or  three       Many  compan-       Friends  of  Wide  variety 

cially  mother       playmates  and       ions  and  own  age  group 

family  family 


Solitude  and 
one  or  two  at 
time 


Nurturing  care 
(Dependence) 


TYPES    OF    CONTACT 

Parallel  play         Group  games,        Boy-girl 
active  play  activities 


Many  forms 


REQUIREMENTS    FROM    OTHERS 

Supervision  Guidance  Encourage-  Affirmation 

ment  in  inde-  through  inter- 

pendence  dependence 


Receiving 


Exchanging 


RESPONSE 
Sharing 


Accommodat-       Cooperating 
ing 


Marriage:  The  Union  of  Two  Unique  Personalities 

Preparation  for  your  marriage  started  before  you  were  born.  The  plan- 
ning and  the  anticipating  of  your  parents  had  a  part  in  setting  the  stage 
for  the  kind  of  personality  you  have  since  developed. 

As  soon  as  you  were  born  you  began  to  learn  about  life  and  about 
yourself.  You  learned  that  you  were  important  and  that  people  cared 
about  you  by  the  fondling  and  attention  you  received.  Your  efforts  to 
grow  and  do  things  and  become  somebody  were  recognized  and  encour- 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  25 

aged.  Your  mistakes  were  usually  corrected  with  respect  for  your  need 
of  self-esteem.  Your  love  for  mother  and  father  was  returned  in  full 
measure,  and  the  early  jealousies  of  brothers  and  sisters  gradually  di- 
minished. Your  talents  and  abilities  were  duly  pointed  out,  and  your 
efforts  to  make  something  of  them  were  praised.  You  learned  that  life 
was  rewarding,  and  you  developed  faith  in  yourself  and  in  your  ability  to 
meet  it  without  escape  or  defense.  That  aspect  of  you  will  approach 
marriage  with  courage  and  eagerness. 

There  is,  however,  another  part  of  you  as  a  personality  which  is  not 
so  pleasant.  Not  all  of  your  life  has  been  equally  satisfying  and  reward- 
ing. You  have  met  defeats  and  disappointments  that  have  left  you  feel- 
ing small,  insignificant,  and  unworthy.  Eating  problems  in  childhood 
may  have  left  you  convinced  that  you  have  a  weak  stomach.  Training 
episodes  early  in  your  toddler  days  have  left  residues  of  inadequacy,  re- 
bellion, and  dirtiness.  You  received  some  punishments  in  your  youth 
which  you  didn't  deserve.  A  baldheaded  neighbor  teased  you  about 
your  hair  until  you  developed  a  phobia  about  bald  heads  and  a  perma- 
nent aversion  for  those  tresses  of  yours.  Your  mother  was  sometimes 
tired  and  cross  and  failed  to  notice  all  your  hard-earned  triumphs.  Your 
father  never  seemed  satisfied  with  what  you  did.  Your  sister  was  smarter 
than  you  and  lots  quicker,  and  you  never  did  catch  up.  You  nearly 
drowned  one  summer  at  the  lake,  and  you  prickle  with  fear  to  this  day 
when  you  get  near  water.  And  so  it  goes.  Some  of  these  situations  you 
recognize  and  understand  and  have  already  learned  to  take  without  side- 
tracking. Others  have  left  their  scars  without  any  helpful  indication  to 
you  of  their  origin,  and  they  account  in  part  for  quirks  in  your  person- 
ality that  will  make  married  living  interesting  but  difficult. 

Marriage  is  a  union  of  two  unique  personalities,  each  with  a  back- 
ground and  a  history.  Your  marriage  partner  comes  with  a  peculiarly 
personal  set  of  patterns  and  habits  for  meeting  life  situations  that  he  has 
learned  in  his  parental  family  and  elsewhere.  He  is  courteous  and  pulls 
out  your  chair  at  the  table  for  you,  because  his  mother  made  so  much  of 
such  gentlemanly  manners  when  he  was  younger.  But  he  honks  the 
horn  of  the  car  in  front  of  the  house  like  a  drugstore  cowboy,  the  pat- 
tern he  picked  up  from  the  fellows  at  the  fraternity  house  whom  he 
idealized  as  a  frosh.  He  is  a  whiz  in  chemistry;  his  father  and  he  tink- 
ered with  chemistry  sets  in  his  basement  from  the  time  he  was  nine. 
But  he's  like  a  big  bull  in  the  kitchen,  because  little  boys  didn't  have 


26  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

any  business  there  when  he  was  most  teachable.  Add  all  this  together 
and  put  in  all  the  other  highly  individualized  responses  to  people  and 
problems,  and  do  you  have  your  Bill?  No,  not  quite. 

Each  of  you  is  greater  than  the  sum  of  all  your  habits  and  responses. 
Each  of  you  operates  around  a  core  of  feelings  and  beliefs  about  your- 
self. Each  of  you  has  a  highly  individualized  personality  all  your  own. 
Each  of  you  has  had  a  unique  childhood  and  has  been  influenced  in  a 
special  way  by  all  the  people  who  have  mattered  to  you  since  then. 

What  do  you  bring  to  marriage?  You  bring  to  marriage  all  that  you 
have  ever  been.  You  bring  to  marriage  your  needs  and  hopes  and  goals. 
You  come  prepared  to  mean  a  great  deal  to  your  chosen  one.  Success  in 
your  marriage  relationship  is  dependent  on  bringing  to  the  union  the 
habit  of  happiness  and  the  capacity  to  love  and  to  be  loved.  These  are 
attributes  of  an  emotionally  mature  personality  —  the  best  possible 
dowry  you  can  bring  to  marriage. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  Mrs.  B.  wants  a  new  fur  coat  badly.     She  might  use  any  of  several 

methods  to  get  it  from  her  husband,  depending  on  her  stage  in  the 
socialization  process.  Write  in  for  each  of  the  methods  listed  the 
levels  of  socialization  represented.  Is  it  receiving,  manipulation, 
compromise,  sharing,  or  creative  cooperation? 

1  John  dear,  you  said  you  wished  I  would  fix  your  favorite  desserts  oftener. 

Well,  I  want  a  new  fur  coat  so  badly  I'll  make  them  every  night  for 

two  months  if  you'll  get  me  one. 
2  We  both  need  new  coats  this  winter,  dear.    Since  our  budget  is  a  little 

tight  right  now,  what  do  you  say  if  I  earn  enough  extra  money  to  get 

us  each  one? 
3  I  just  had  to  have  a  new  fur  coat  right  away,  so  I  bought  one  on  your 

account  this  afternoon. 
4  If  we  budget  carefully  we  could  have  our  new  baby  this  year.    We  both 

want  one  much  more  than  I  want  that  new  fur  coat  we  were  looking  at 

last  week. 
5  Other  husbands  are  proud  of  the  way  their  wives  look.    Have  you  seen 

that  beautiful  mink  coat  Mrs.  Jones  is  wearing?    Her  husband  gave  that 

to  her  just  last  week.    Of  course  I  know  that  you  don't  make  as  much 

as  Harry  Jones,  but  my  tastes  are  so  simple.     Just  a  sheared  beaver 

would  satisfy  little  me. 


*  KEY       uoj|D|ndiuDVY  £      uojiojadooa 
g      Buuoijs    g 


WHAT    YOU    BRING    TO    MARRIAGE  27 

Selected  Readings 

DUVALL,  EVELYN  MILLIS,  Family  Living  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1950), 
chaps.  1-4,  7,  8. 

FOSTER,  ROBERT  G.,  Marriage  and  Family  Relationships  (New  York:  Macmil- 
lan, 1949),  Part  I. 

HILTNER,  SEWARD,  Self -Understanding  (New  York:  Scribner,  1951). 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDIS,  MARY  G.,  Personal  Adjustment,  Marriage  and 
Family  Living  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1950),  Chap.  i. 

LEVY,  JOHN,  AND  MUNROE,  RUTH,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf, 
1938),  Chap.  i. 

MOORE,  BERNICE  MILBURN,  AND  LEAHY,  DOROTHY  M.,  YOU  and  Your  Family 

(Boston:  Heath,  1948),  chaps,  i,  2,  5,  6. 
PRESTON,  GEORGE  H.,  The  Substance  of  Mental  Health  (New  York:  Rine- 

hart,  1943). 
TRAVIS,  LEE,  AND  BARUCH,  DOROTHY,  Personal  Problems  of  Everyday  Life 

(New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1941),  Part  I. 

Technical  References 

DAVIS,  KINGSLEY,  "Extreme  Social  Isolation  in  a  Child,"  American  Journal  of 

Sociology,  Vol.  45,  pp.  554-565. 
DAVIS,  w.  ALLISON,  AND  HAviGHURST,  ROBERT  j.,  Father  of  the  Man  (Boston: 

Hough  ton  Mifflin,  1947). 
DUVALL,  EVELYN  MILLIS,  "Conceptions  of  Parenthood,"  American  Journal  of 

Sociology  (November,  1946),  LI  I,  3,  pp.  193-203. 
ERIKSON,  ERIK,  Childhood  and  Society  (New  York:  Norton,  1950). 
GESELL,  ARNOLD,  "Biography  of  a  Wolf-Child,"  Harper's  Magazine  (Janu- 
ary, 1941). 
KINSEY,  ALFRED;  POMEROY,  WARDELL;  AND  MARTIN,  CLYDE,  Sexual  Behavior 

in  the  Human  Male  (Philadelphia:  Saunders,  1948),  Chap.  10. 
KOOS,  EARL  L.,  "Class  Differences  in  Family  Reactions  to  Crises,"  Marriage 

and  Family  Living  (Summer,  1950),  XII,  3,  pp.  77—78. 
MEAD,  GEORGE  H.,  Mind,  Self,  and  Society  (Chicago:  University  of  Chicago 

Press,  1934). 

MEAD,  MARGARET,  Male  and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1949). 
SCHEINFELD,  AMRAM,  Women  and  Men  (New  York:  Harcourt,  Brace,  1944) . 
STODDARD,  GEORGE,  The  Meaning  of  Intelligence  (New  York:  Macmillan, 

J943)- 

TERMAN,  LEWIS  M.,  AND  ASSOCIATES,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happi- 
ness (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938). 

WARNER,  w.  LLOYD;  HAVIGHURST,  ROBERT  j.;  AND  LOEB,  MARTIN,  Who  Shall 
Be  Educated?  (New  York:  Harper,  1944). 

YOUNG,  KIMBALL,  Personality  and  Problems  of  Adjustment  (New  York: 
Crofts,  1940),  Parti. 


CHAPTER  TWO 


"How  can  it  be  love  at  first  sight?71 


IT'S   LOVE!? 


How  do  you  know  it's  love? 

Can  you  tell  whether  it  will  last? 

What  about  love  at  first  sight? 

What  are  the  principles  of  attraction? 

What  is  the  difference  between  love  and  infatuation? 


VERYONE    HAS    IDEAS    AND    NOTIONS    ABOUT   LOVE.      NOT    ALL    OF 

these  opinions  jibe,  however,  with  what  authorities  have  found  about 
love  feelings;  so  let's  pull  out  what  you  think  you  know  and  see  how 
right  you  are.  Check  each  of  the  following  statements  which  you  be- 
lieve to  be  true.  Then  compare  your  replies  with  those  of  the  authors. 
If  you  agree  with  most  of  them,  you  will  enjoy  the  contents  of  this  chap- 
ter. If  you  don't  agree  with  what  the  investigators  believe  to  be  true, 
read  on  and  see  what  it  is  that  they  are  driving  at. 

????????       HOW  DO  YOU  KNOW  IT'S  LOVE        ?????      ??? 

i  When  love  hits  you,  you  know  it. 

2  It  is  possible  to  sometimes  dislike  a  person  whom  you  love  at 

other  times. 

3  Puppy  love  is  not  a  real  love  feeling. 

4  When  you  are  really  in  love,  you  just  aren't  interested  in  anyone 

else. 
5  When  you  fall  head  over  heels  in  love,  it's  sure  to  be  the  real 

thing. 

6  There  is  only  one  kind  of  love  feeling. 

7  It  is  quite  normal  for  a  person  to  love  several  different  people  at 

once. 


30  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

8  You  never  love  two  people  in  quite  the  same  way. 

9  Love  that  grows  slowly  over  a  long  time  is  not  as  satisfying  as 

the  sudden  thunder-and-lightning  variety. 

10  Love  doesn't  make  sense.    It  just  is. 

11  Once  two  people  find  that  they  love  each  other,  that  settles  it; 

they  should  marry  as  soon  as  possible,  no  matter  what. 
1 2  Love  without  marriage  is  a  serious  tragedy  and  will  probably  ruin 

one's  life. 
13  Loving  someone  besides  the  one  to  whom  you  are  married  need 

not  wreck  your  marriage. 
14  Before  the  average  person  becomes  an  adult,  he  will  have  loved 

many  people. 
15  Love  isn't  anything  you  can  study  or  know  anything  about;  it's 

too  emotional. 


Here  are  the  facts: 

1  (Incorrect. )     Love  feelings  are  of  many  kinds  and  only  rarely  are  of  the 
sudden,  sure  nature  indicated  in  the  statement. 

2  (Correct. )    Not  only  is  it  possible,  but  it  is  also  extremely  likely  that  peo- 
ple who  are  loved  will  be  disliked  in  some  situations.    Human  nature  has 
too  many  facets  to  be  expected  to  show  only  the  best  one  at  all  times. 
Disliking  loved  ones  in  some  situations  is  a  common  experience. 

3  (Incorrect.)     Although  puppy  love  may  not  be  a  mature  type  of  love,  it 
nevertheless  is  a  love  feeling.    The  only  trouble  with  puppy  love  feelings 
is  that,  taken  too  seriously,  they  may  lead  to  a  dog's  life. 

4  (Wrong.)     Being  in  love  tends  to  make  other  persons  and  things  more 
rather  than  less  lovable.    The  truly  loving  person  loves  and  is  interested 
in  most  of  the  people  he  or  she  knows  well.    If  love  cut  off  all  other  in- 
terests, wouldn't  it  tend  to  become  monotonous?    We'll  never  know,  be- 
cause love  doesn't  operate  that  way.     We  have  heard,  "All  the  world 
loves  a  lover."    The  converse  is  also  true,  "Lovers  love  all  the  world." 

5  (Wrong.)     Undergoing  such  tremendous  emotional  excitement  as  is  re- 
ferred to  in  the  popular  concept  of  "falling  head  over  heels  in  love"  is  not 
the  best  indication  that  the  feeling  is  true  and  lasting  love.    Later  in  this 
chapter  we  will  discuss  some  more  reliable  love  yardsticks.    Will  you  wait 
until  then  for  more  on  this? 

6  (No.)     Of  course  not.    There  are  many,  many  kinds  of  love  feelings: 
tenderness,  passion,  mother  love,  ecstasy,  peaceful  security,  etc.,  to  name 
just  a  few  of  the  contrasting  kinds  of  love  feelings. 

7  (Correct.)     It  is  normal  to  love  several  people  at  once.    In  fact,  it  is  one 
of  the  ways  that  normality  is  gauged.    Mate  love  tends  to  be  sexually  ex- 
clusive, but  love  in  its  broader  sense  is  richly  inclusive.    Love  begets  love 
and  normally  fosters  love  feelings. 

8  (Correct. )    Just  as  no  two  persons  are  identical,  so  no  two  combinations 
of  persons  can  be  the  same.    The  love  feelings  we  have  for  dear  old 


IT'S  LOV6I?  31 

friends  may  be  quite  different  from  those  we  have  in  an  exhilaratingly 
new  relationship.  Love  for  grandpa's  sweetness  is  quite  different  from 
the  vigorous  mate  love  we  feel  for  a  marriage  partner,  and  so  on  and  on 
through  the  multitude  of  combinations  possible  in  a  lifetime  of  warm  re- 
lationships with  hundreds  of  people. 

9  (Wrong.)  Satisfying  is  the  catch.  Truly  satisfying  love  relationships  are 
far  more  apt  to  be  of  the  long-term,  growing  variety  than  of  the  whoop- 
whoop-hurrah  kind,  which  frequently  dies  out  like  fireworks  after  a  very 
pretty  show. 

10  (Incorrect.)     Generally  love  makes  sense.     It  is  governed  by  the  same 
natural  laws  that  determine  all  life.    A  love  has  a  history  that  is  socially 
determined  and  that  modifies  and  directs  its  present  and  its  future.    The 
person  in  love  may  not  know  why  he  fell  for  this  particular  girl,  any  more 
than  he  may  be  aware  of  why  he  likes  certain  foods,  or  what  happens  to 
them  after  he  has  eaten  them,  or  why  they  make  him  strong  or  sick  or 
fat.    But  to  the  scientist,  most  of  these  processes  are  becoming  increas- 
ingly understandable.    So,  to  some  extent,  is  this  mysterious  thing  called 
love.    Science,  which  began  with  a  study  of  the  stars  in  the  skies,  now  is 
making  headway  in  understanding  the  stars  in  lovers'  eyes.    Investigations 
tend  to  show  that  the  laws  of  attraction  are  reasonable,  reliable,  and  ca- 
pable of  being  understood. 

11  (Incorrect.)     The  popular  belief  in  this  fallacy  is  one  of  the  big  reasons 
tor  so  much  unhappiness  and  discord  in  marriage.    There  are  so  many 
kinds  of  love  feelings  that  a  person  who  takes  this  position  seriously  finds 
himself  in  emotional  hot  water  most  of  the  time.    Chasing  down  every 
tempting  trail  after  a  new  marriage  partner  is  an  exhausting  experience. 

12  (Nonsense.)    Can  you  see  why  from  the  answer  to  the  previous  question? 
And  isn't  it  slightly  dreary  to  think  that  all  of  life  outside  of  marriage 
must  be  completely  devoid  of  warmth? 

1 3  (Correct. )    We've  really  been  answering  this  all  along,  haven't  we?    Mar- 
riages are  not  so  often  wrecked  by  love  as  by  the  lack  of  it! 

14  (Surely.)    We  all  begin  to  love  before  we  are  out  of  our  cradles;  our  own 
toes  and  fingers,  our  mothers,  our  dads,  our  sisters  and  brothers,  the  boy 
next  door,  the  kindergarten  teacher,  the  scout  master,  the  new  girl  in 
second  grade,  Uncle  Louis-who-always-brings-candy,  the  cub  scout  troop 
(all  nineteen  of  them),  the  girl  in  the  pink  sweater,  the  boy  who  walked 
us  home  from  the  party  —  all  these  and  many  more  have  come  in  for  a 
share  of  our  loving.    Indeed,  by  the  time  most  of  us  are  adults,  we  are 
old  hands  at  the  game  of  love! 

15  (No!)    If  it  were  true,  why  bother  with  a  study  like  this?    Many  success- 
ful investigations  have  been  carried  out  and  a  great  deal  of  information 
has  been  made  available  already.    And  that's  what  the  rest  of  this  chap- 
ter is  going  to  deal  with.    Besides,  who  said  that  emotions  cannot  be  un- 
derstood?    The  way  we  feel  about  things  makes  some  sense  when  we 
know  something  of  the  principles  of  human  behavior  in  the  same  way 
that  the  workings  of  electricity  become  predictable  to  the  engineer  who 
knows  what  to  expect.    So  let's  see  what  we  know  about  love.  .  .  . 


32  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

What  Is  Love? 

Love  is  not  easy  to  define.  It  is  a  word  that  covers  many  feelings.  We 
may  feel  good,  or  we  may  feel  very  blue,  all  because  we  are  in  love.  We 
may  be  tenderly  protective  or  lustily  aggressive;  we  may  work  furiously 
or  daydream  for  weeks;  we  may  worship  devotedly  or  exploit  hungrily; 
we  may  give  or  we  may  take  —  all  in  the  name  of  love! 

Love  may  look  like  its  opposite,  hate,  when  its  face  is  distorted  with 
vanity,  possessiveness,  or  jealousy.  One  big  difference  between  love  and 
hatred  is  that  love  is  an  irradiation.  It  flows  outward  from  the  loving 
person  in  a  warm  current  of  feeling  toward  others  generally.  Hate,  on 
the  other  hand,  tends  to  focus  on  the  hated  one  with  heavy  concentra- 
tion. There  are  no  more  perfect  loves  than  there  are  perfect  persons. 
But,  as  Sidney  Harris  *  says,  it  is  the  direction  and  not  the  degree  that 
is  most  important.  Love  turned  outward  can  always  grow.  Turned  in- 
ward or  concentrated  too  intensely  on  one  object,  love  cannot  survive  its 
own  stagnation.  It  seems  to  be  this  growth  factor  in  love  that  assures 
its  permanence.  As  Magoun  so  ably  defines  love: 

Love  is  the  passionate  and  abiding  desire  on  the  part  of  two  or  more  people 
to  produce  together  conditions  under  which  each  can  be  and  spontaneously 
express  his  real  self;  to  produce  together  an  intellectual  soil  and  an  emotional 
climate  in  which  each  can  flourish,  far  superior  to  what  either  could  achieve 
alone."  2  (Italics  ours) 

Love  then  is  fulfillment  through  healthy  growth  with  and  for  an- 
other. It  is  self-realization  in  an  atmosphere  conducive  to  human 
growth.  It  is  an  emotional  response  to  others  who  meet  our  basic  per- 
sonality needs.3  Two  people  in  love  so  mutually  meet  each  other's  needs 
that  they  both  thrive  in  their  "togetherness"  more  fully  than  could 
either  alone.  In  this  sense  love  grows  as  the  personality  develops,  and  is 
capable  of  ever-changing,  ever-deepening,  ever-widening  involvement. 

Self-Love  and  Outgoing  Love.  The  Greeks  had  two  words  for  love  — 
eros  and  agape.  Eros  tends  to  center  in  sexual  love.  It  is  that  love  for 
another  that  comes  spontaneously  and  longs  to  be  reciprocated.4  It  is 

1  Sidney  Harris,  "Strictly  Personal,"  Chicago  Daily  News  (February  2,  1952), 
p.  10. 

2  F.  Alexander  Magoun,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948),  p.  4. 

3  Robert  Winch,  The  Modem  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  Chap.  15. 

*  Esther  Adams,  "Eros  and  Agape,"  Marriage  Guidance  (August,  1950),  pp.  6-7, 


IT'S    LOVEI?  33 

possessive  and  demanding.  We  have  called  it  the  "orange  squeezer" 
type  of  love  that  is  implied  when  one  says  "I  love  oranges/'  in  which 
the  emphasis  is  on  one's  own  appetite  and  not  concerned  with  the  fate 
of  the  orange!  Erotic  love  wants  something  in  return  and  if  frustrated 
may  turn  to  hate.  This  is  the  "hell  has  no  fury  like  a  woman  scorned"  5 
brand  of  love  .  .  .  primarily  self-love. 

Agape,  in  contrast,  cannot  be  frustrated  because  it  is  not  demanding. 
It  is  outgoing,  overflowing  joy  in  fellowship.  Its  pleasure  is  in  being 
and  in  giving.  It  releases  the  freedom  of  cooperation  that  people  find 
in  thinking,  yearning,  developing,  and  achieving  together.  This  is  the 
kind  of  love  that  inspires  the  full  giving  of  oneself  freely  to  causes  and 
purposes  beyond  oneself.  It  is  close  to  the  truth  that  Jesus  described 
when  he  said,  "He  who  loses  his  life  shall  find  it."  (Matthew  10:39) 

There  are  satisfactions  of  personal  needs  in  every  marriage,  often 
rich  and  intense.  But  if  there  is  nothing  more  to  it  than  satisfying 
selfish  needs,  the  marriage  will  not  and  cannot  endure;  for  as  soon  as 
someone  else  appears  who  seems  able  to  give  more  satisfaction,  the  part- 
ner is  tossed  out  like  last  week's  newspaper.  Love  that  lasts  involves  a 
real  and  genuine  concern  for  others  as  persons,  for  their  values  as  they 
feel  them,  for  their  development  and  growth.  As  time  goes  by,  those 
we  love  become  increasingly  dear  to  us.  We  watch  their  progress  with 
joy.  We  are  saddened  by  their  sufferings  and  disappointed  with  them 
in  their  mistakes.  Because  we  love  them,  we  are  able  to  lose  some  of 
our  petty  selfishness  in  thoughts  and  actions  directed  beyond  ourselves. 
This  outgoing  type  of  love  has  capacities  for  infinite  variety  and  for  sat- 
isfying deep  hungers  within  us.  This  is  the  love  that  builds  a  strong, 
enduring  marriage. 

Principles  of  Attraction.  Very  few  of  us  know  just  why  we  like  the 
people  to  whom  we  are  attracted;  our  likes  and  dislikes  are  not  rational 
or  planned.  The  people  we  like  are  not  always  the  folk  that  the  social 
scientist  would  recommend  for  us  as  companions,  either  for  a  lifetime 
or  for  a  few  months.  Yet  these  little-understood  forces  of  personal  at- 
traction wield  a  mighty  weight  in  the  process  of  falling  in  love  and  get- 
ting married,  and  often  overshadow  more  rational  and  sensible  consid- 
erations in  the  choice  of  a  wife  or  husband. 

5  "Heaven  has  no  rage  like  love  to  hatred  turned, 
Nor  hell  a  fury  like  a  woman  scorned." 

Congreve  —  The  Mourning  Bride,  Act  III,  Scene  8- 


34  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Some  of  the  unconscious  tendencies  that  determine  our  preferences 
for  people  are  these:  * 

1  We  tend  to  like  the  people  and  the  things  that  remind  us  of  pleasant  and 
comfortable  experiences  in  our  past,  many  of  which  go  way  back  into  our 
early  childhood  and  are  forgotten  except  for  the  powerful,  unconscious 
role  they  continue  to  play  in  our  choices.    "I  loved  him  the  minute  I  set 
eyes  upon  him." 

2  We  tend  to  be  repulsed  by  the  people  and  the  things  that  are  associated 
with  uncomfortable  and  unpleasant  experiences  in  our  past.    The  original 
painful  experience  may  be  no  longer  remembered,  but  its  influence  con- 
tinues to  deflect  us  from  anything  and  anybody  that  resembles  some  aspect 
of  that  unhappy  situation.    "Don't  ask  me  why,  I  just  don't  like  her." 

3  We  tend  to  be  attracted  to  those  people  who  reassure  us,  do  not  make  us 
feel  less  worthy  or  less  able  or  attractive  than  we  like  to  think  we  are. 
"She's  just  too  smart  to  suit  me,"  or  "I  can't  stand  him,  he's  always  so 
superior,"  and  "She  makes  me  feel  as  though  I  am  somebody." 

4  We  tend  to  seek  the  people  who  are  considered  attractive  by  those  around 
us  and  to  leave  the  unsought  alone.    "I  want  the  kind  of  girl  the  other 
fellows  will  whistle  at." 

5  We  tend  to  like  those  who  satisfy  some  particularly  hungry  spot  in  our 
make-up.    The  boy  who  has  not  had  as  much  mother  love  as  he  wanted 
may  be  strongly  attracted  to  a  mother  type  of  girl.    "I  don't  know  why  I 
love  her.    She  just  gives  me  all  I  need." 

6  We  tend  both  to  reproduce  and  to  repudiate  the  relationships  in  which 
we  grew  up.    A  boy  may  be  attracted  to  anyone  who  reminds  him  of  his 
mother  and  who  can  reproduce  the  feeling  of  the  old  parent-child  rela- 
tionships.   A  girl  may  be  unable  to  tolerate  anyone  who  even  remotely  re- 
minds her  of  her  father,  a  repudiation  of  the  former  parent-child  relation- 
ships.   "I  want  a  girl  just  like  the  girl  who  married  dear  old  dad,"  or  "I 
can't  stand  her.    Who  does  she  think  she  is,  my  mother?" 

The  Course  of  Love.  The  girls  that  Ellis  studied  6  reported  that  they 
first  fell  in  love  with  or  became  infatuated  with  a  man  or  boy  when  they 
were  near  twelve  years  of  age.  They  also  indicated  that  between  the 
ages  of  twelve  and  eighteen  they  had  been  in  love  with  or  infatuated  with 
more  than  six  different  men  or  boys.  Although  further  research  is  needed 
in  this  area,  general  observation  corroborates  this  finding  that  young  peo- 
ple do  tend  to  experience  specific  love  feelings  early  and  to  be  attracted 

6  Albert  Ellis,  "Questionnaire  Versus  Interview  Methods  in  the  Study  of  Human 
Love  Relationships.  II,  Uncategorized  Responses,"  American  Sociological  Review 
(February,  1948),  XIII,  No.  i,  pp.  62-64. 


IT'S    LOVE!? 


35 


to  a  variety  of  love  objects  of  the  other  sex  throughout  the  entire  second 
decade  of  life.7 

Two  othei  investigators  have  shown  graphically  that  college  students 
are  able  to  plot  the  course  of  their  love  affairs  between  four  levels  of  in- 
volvement: love,  attraction,  indifference,  dislike.  The  most  frequently 
reported  curve  was  regular,  beginning  with  indifference,  moving  slowly 
or  precipitately  upward  through  attraction  to  love  and  then  (a)  drop- 
ping again  to  indifference  (indicating  that  the  affair  had  terminated), 
or  (b)  remaining  at  a  high  level  of  love  in  ongoing  affairs.  About  one- 
fifth  of  the  students  both  male  and  female  reported  irregular  courses  of 
love,  while  a  somewhat  smaller  group  showed  the  course  of  love  as  they 
had  known  it  to  be  vacillating  or  "cyclical"  (see  typical  graphs  and  per- 
centages reporting  each  below) . 

There  is  nothing  absolute  about  the  data  below.  They  are  merely 
indications  of  the  variable  nature  of  love  emotions  among  young  people. 


PROFILES  OF  LOVE  EXPERIENCE  * 
Regular  Irregular 


2/3    END 


Males  67.3% 
Females  61.5% 


1/3       2/3     END 


Males   19.4% 
Females  20.3% 


Cyclical 


2/3     END 


Males  13.3% 
Females  18.2% 


*  Clifford  Kirkpatrick  and  Theodore  Caplow,  "Emotional  Trends  in  the  Court- 
ship Experience  of  College  Students  as  Expressed  by  Graphs  with  Some  Observa- 
tions on  Methodological  Implications,"  American  Sociological  Review  (October, 
1945),  X,  No.  5,  pp.  619-626. 

7  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association  Press, 
1950).  Based  on  thousands  of  questions  asked  by  teen-age  young  people  of  both 
sexes. 


36  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Such  findings  reaffirm  the  importance  of  two  other  questions  now  to  be 
discussed:  i.  how  does  the  capacity  to  love  develop?  and  2.  how  can 
you  tell  that  you  are  in  love? 


Learning  to  Love 

Love  does  not  come  as  a  sudden  answer  to  life's  basic  needs.  We  de- 
velop the  capacity  to  love  gradually  through  years  of  interaction  with 
other  people.  We  learn  to  love  just  as  we  learn  to  eat  and  to  walk  and 
to  read.  The  native  tendencies  and  potentialities  are  there  from  the  be- 
ginning. Given  favorable  opportunities,  these  capacities  develop  and 
flower;  and  as  in  all  learning,  first  experiences  set  the  stage  for  later  re- 
sponses. Therefore,  to  trace  the  development  of  the  ability  to  love  and 
to  be  loved,  we  must  go  back  to  the  early  days  of  infancy. 

Developing  the  Capacity  to  Love.  In  his  mother's  arms  the  baby  re- 
ceives his  first  lessons  in  learning  to  love.  As  she  holds  him  close  in 
nursing,  he  feels  the  comfort  of  her  supporting  arms,  the  warmth  of  hei 
body,  the  gratification  of  the  satisfying  milk,  and  the  pleasure  of  the 
sucking  process  itself.  Before  long  his  eyes  focus  on  her  face,  he  sees 
her  smile  and  soon  manages  one  of  his  own  in  return.  He  coos  back  to 
her  as  she  talks  and  sings  to  him.  The  glow  of  comfort  he  feels  in  her 
presence  quickly  becomes  associated  with  the  mother  herself,  as  the 
baby  learns  that  these  highly  pleasurable  experiences  arrive  wrapped  in 
the  sound  and  the  smell  and  the  feel  and  the  sight  of  his  mother.  As- 
sociated with  all  his  fundamental  satisfactions,  this  first  mother-love  es- 
tablishes the  pattern  for  further  responses  to  others.8 


8  Robert  F.  Winch,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  especially 
pp.  396-400,  develops  in  some  detail  the  process  by  which  the  child  effects  this  trans- 
fer of  affection  from  the  parents,  more  usually  the  mother,  to  successive  substitutes 


until  he  settles  on  an  age  mate  with  whom  he  experiences  "companionship  love." 
Winch  explains  the  process  as  maturation  of  the  capacity  to  love  without  "leaning" 
dependently  on  another.  From  the  extremely  dependent  love  of  the  infant  for  the 
mother,  based  on  the  infant's  complete  dependence  on  her  for  the  gratification  of  his 
needs,  the  child  develops  self-dependence  in  many  areas  of  his  life,  diffuses  his 
"needs-meeting"  among  many  individuals  outside  the  family,  and  eventually  does  not 
need  to  have  all  his  needs  met  through  one  all-consuming  love.  By  means  of  trial- 
and-error  he  discovers  persons  whose  needs  to  gratify  others  complement  his  needs 
to  be  gratified.  His  parents  become  alternates  in  his  love  life,  and  companionship 
love  of  an  interdependence-of-peers  sort  is  experienced  with  one  or  more  age  mates. 
In  marriage,  this  love,  based  on  complementary  needs,  becomes  a  solidifying  factor, 
particularly  if  the  love  patterns  keep  abreast  of  the  changing  needs  of  the  partners 
throughout  their  marriage  cycle. 


IT'S    LOVE!?  37 

If  the  child  is  frustrated  in  this  first  important  relationship,  he  may 
come  to  feel  that  he  is  living  in  a  hostile  world  in  which  he  must  fight 
for  what  he  needs;  or  if  the  outlook  is  too  discouraging,  he  may  lapse 
into  the  listless  lethargy  described  so  vividly  by  Kibble.9  If  he  is  neg- 
lected, handled  harshly,  or  fed  too  little,  the  unfortunate  child  devel- 
ops irritability  instead  of  the  glow  of  the  happy  child.  He  feels  frustra- 
tion in  continued  hunger,  and  he  misses  the  cuddling  support  and 
warmth  of  the  mother.  He  whimpers  his  discontent,  lashes  about  in 
his  discomfort,  cries  out  in  distress,  and  if  no  relief  is  forthcoming  he 
may  lapse  into  troubled,  discouraged  apathy. 

The  neglected  child  has  been  deprived  of  the  first  opportunities  of 
feeling  and  responding  warmly  to  another.  He  starts  life,  therefore, 
either  like  a  bully  with  a  chip  on  his  shoulder  or  like  a  puppy  with  his 
tail  between  his  legs.  Years  later  as  an  adult  he  may  attempt  to  com- 
pensate for  his  childhood  deprivations  by  excesses  and  undue  personal 
demands  upon  others.  His  early  protests  may  continue  into  marriage  in 
the  form  of  unpredictable,  little-understood  aggressions  toward  his  wife 
and  children. 

Diffusion  of  Love  to  Others.  Mother  may  be  the  first  love,  but  she  is 
not  the  last!  Father  often  enters  into  the  affectional  set-up  very  early. 
As  he  helps  bathe  and  dress  the  child,  as  he  comes  in  for  a  frolic  before 
bedtime,  as  he  tucks  the  infant  under  the  covers,  he  too  becomes  an  ob- 
ject of  the  child's  love.  Soon  his  voice  and  his  step  are  awaited  with 
eagerness,  and  his  presence  brings  peculiarly  satisfying  meanings  to  the 
child.  The  child  now  responds  to  both  father  and  mother  with  love. 

The  baby  learns  still  another  type  of  love  response  from  children. 
Their  play  with  the  child  is  less  tender;  their  laughter  is  a  bit  more  spon- 
taneous, their  voices  louder  and  their  touch  a  little  rougher.  With  them 
the  baby  learns  a  new  type  of  love,  hearty  and  carefree.  The  familiar 
roughhouse  of  the  typical  household  finds  the  baby  the  gleeful  center. 
Now  he's  beginning  to  feel  one  of  the  gang.  It  took  mother  to  nurse 
him  through  early  infancy.  It  took  father  to  teach  him  that  men  are 
good  and  very  much  a  part  of  his  life.  Brothers  and  sisters  round  off  his 
early  emotional  education  by  helping  him  feel  that  he  belongs,  that  he 
is  one  of  them  —  a  part  of  the  family. 

9  Margaret  A.  Kibble,  The  Rights  of  Infants  (New  York:  Columbia  University 
Press,  1943).  See  also  our  earlier  discussion  of  the  basic  love  needs  of  children, 
pp.  13-15,23-24. 


38  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Early  in  the  child's  life  come  other  adults  to  strengthen  and  to  mod- 
ify the  feelings  built  up  toward  parents.  Relatives,  neighbors,  and 
teachers  become  substitute  parents  as  the  youngster  tries  out  his  parent- 
learned  responses  on  them.  These  adults  play  important  roles  in  the 
lives  of  children,  giving  them  the  comforting  security  so  needed  by 
youngsters  growing  away  from  early  parent-child  relationships.  Baruch 
gives  a  particularly  clear  illustration  from  a  nursery  school  in  the  follow- 
ing episode: 

...  a  two  year  old  is  having  trouble  making  his  adjustment  in  the  new  situ- 
ation. He  has  been  raised  by  his  grandmother,  and  now  his  grandmother 
has  gone  to  work.  He  sulks  at  the  teachers  and  shrugs  away.  But,  after  a 
while,  he  navigates  into  the  kitchen,  settles  himself  there  on  a  chair,  and 
does  not  wish  to  budge.  The  head-teacher,  observing,  suddenly  realizes,  "It's 
the  cook."  As  she  said  later,  "The  rest  of  the  staff  was  so  much  younger 
than  the  only  mother  he  had  ever  known.  But  not  the  cook.  She's  an 
elderly,  comfortable,  grandmotherly  soul.  So,  we  suggested  that  she  take 
over  and  that  she  give  him  some  loving  between  paring  carrots  and  potatoes. 
He  spent  two  days  sitting  in  the  kitchen,  dragging  the  toys  in  under  her  feet, 
until  he  got  the  feeling  of  anchorage  and  belongingness,  and  could  wander 
further  apace."  10 

Most  of  us  remember  the  warm  friendly  adults  who  made  us  feel 
important  back  in  those  days  when  we  went  exploring  for  new  relation- 
ships. Unfortunately,  not  all  adults  were  equally  friendly,  and  some  of 
us  also  remember  the  shame  and  ignominy  of  early  experiences  with  sar- 
castic, blaming  persons,  some  of  whom  were  teachers  who  shamed  and 
ridiculed  us  and  rebuffed  our  struggling  efforts  to  please.  All  too  few 
educators  realize  the  importance  of  selecting  leaders  and  teachers  who 
can  take  the  place  of  parents  in  the  molding  and  directing  of  love  re- 
sponses of  growing  children.  Teachers  especially  should  be  persons  who 
are  themselves  emotionally  mature  enough  to  guide  the  affectional  as 
well  as  the  intellectual  development  of  their  charges.  The  typical  ex- 
perience of  the  youngster  falling  in  love  with  his  scout  leader  or  teacher 
should  be  a  happy  one,  guided  and  understood  by  the  adults  involved. 
It  is  a  further  step  in  the  direction  of  the  mature,  heterosexual  love 
which  unites  people  in  marriage. 

Some  young  people  become  fearful  of  social  intercourse  and  avoid 
the  very  gatherings  that  they  most  crave.  Others  mask  their  insecurity 

10  Dorothy  W.  Baruch,  "Are  Teaching  Techniques  Meant  for  Children?"  Jour- 
nal of  Consulting  Psychology,  Vol.  8,  No.  2  (March-April,  1944),  p.  111. 


IT'S    LOVEI?  39 

by  a  pretense  at  sophistication  and  play  the  bravado  role  of  a  "wolf." 
They  may  go  in  heavily  for  petting  rather  than  explore  the  fuller  per- 
sonal meanings  of  boy-girl  relationships.  The  trauma  and  the  disap- 
pointment of  many  of  these  blind-alley  experiences  affect  the  ability  to 
love  and  seem  to  be  related  to  later  marital  unhappiness. 

Teen-age  young  people  who  have  had  a  hearty  experience  in  loving 
and  being  loved  in  a  happy  family  circle  make  these  adjustments  rela- 
tively successfully.  There  are  two  reasons  for  their  success:  i.  they  have 
parents  who  are  adequate  examples  of  people  in  love,  and  2.  they  have 
had  years  of  practice  in  learning  to  respond  with  affection  and  consid- 
eration to  loved  ones. 

Learning  to  Express  Affection  Jakes  Practice.  Families  differ  widely  in 
the  ways  in  which  their  members  express  affection  for  one  another.  In 
some  homes  loving  words  and  gestures  are  rare;  in  others,  the  children 
grow  up  from  babyhood  surrounded  by  warm  assurances  of  love.  Some 
married  couples  hide  their  love  for  each  other  behind  a  wall  of  reserve, 
while  others  continue  to  show  their  affection  by  all  the  small  meaningful 
signals  that  develop  through  years  of  close  association.  Children  grow- 
ing up  in  a  home  where  father  kisses  mother  good-by  in  the  morning 
and  returns  affectionately  to  her  side  in  the  evening  learn  that  "papa 
loves  mama."  Children  who  have  been  taught  how  to  express  their  feel- 
ings for  others  as  they  grow  up,  reach  marriage  with  the  fundamental 
skills  required  for  living  intimately  with  another  person.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  youngster  who  has  never  known  the  meaning  of  demonstrated 
love  is  apt  to  be  clumsy  in  his  efforts  to  express  his  feelings. 

Elsie  was  such  a  person.  Her  mother  died  when  she  was  very  young, 
and  she  was  raised  by  her  father  and  his  unmarried  sister.  Her  father 
so  mourned  for  his  young  wife  that  he  dared  not  express  the  feeling  that 
he  had  for  the  little  girl  who  so  closely  resembled  her.  The  maiden 
aunt  was  also  bottled  up,  with  no  outlets  save  mournful  love  ballads. 
For  years  the  little  girl  didn't  know  the  meaning  of  being  kissed  or 
fondled.  As  she  grew  up  and  realized  that  other  people  were  more  overt 
in  expressing  their  affection,  she  was  shocked  and  vowed  that  no  man 
would  ever  fuss  around  her.  In  the  course  of  time  Elsie  found  herself 
involved  in  a  friendship  with  a  fine  young  man  whom  she  respected 
highly.  They  became  engaged  without  having  had  closer  contact  than 
an  occasional  handclasp.  Two  weeks  before  their  marriage  they  still 


DIFFERENCES  BETWEEN  LOVE  AND  INFATUATION 

Love 

1  Tends  to  occur  first  in  late  teens  and  in  the  twenties 1 

2  Attachment  simultaneously  to  two  or  more  tends  not  to  be  frequent  * 

3  Most  cases  last  over  a  long  period  of  time  x 

4  More  slowly  develops  again  after  a  love  affair  has  ended  x 

5  Often  used  to  refer  to  present  affair 1 

6  Object  of  affection  is  more  likely  a  suitable  person  2 

7  Parents  tend  to  approve  2 

8  Broadly  involves  entire  personality  2 

9  Brings  new  energy  and  ambition,  and  more  interest  in  life  5 

10  Associated  with  feelings  of  self-confidence,  trust,  and  security  z 

1 1  Accompanied  by  kindlier  feelings  toward  other  people  generally 8 

1 2  Joy  in  many  common  interests  and  an  ongoing  sense  of  being  alive  when 
together  precludes  boredom  4 

13  Relationship  changes  and  grows  with  ongoing  association,  developing 
interests,  and  deepening  feelings  4 

14  Accompanied  by  willingness  to  face  reality  and  to  tackle  problems  realis- 
tically 5 


1  Albert  Ellis,  "A  Study  of  Human  Love  Relationships/'  Journal  Genetic  Psy 
chology  (1949),  No.  75,  pp.  61-71. 

2  Paul  Popenoe,  "Infatuation  and  Its  Treatment,"  Family  Life  (March,  1949), 
IX,  No.  3,  pp.  1-2. 

3  Albert  Ellis,  "A  Study  of  the  Love  Emotions  of  American  College  Girls,"  In- 
ternational Journal  of  Sexology  (August,  1949),  pp.  1—6. 


AS  REVEALED  IN  CONTEMPORARY  RESEARCH  STUDIES 

Infatuation 

1  Tends  to  be  more  frequent  among  young  adolescents  and  children  under 
teen  age  * 

2  Simultaneous  attachments  to  two  or  more  tends  to  be  frequent 1 

3  Tends  to  last  but  a  short  time  (only  a  few  weeks  in  most  cases)  1 

4  More  quickly  reoccurs  soon  after  a  given  involvement  has  ended  1 

5  Is  often  the  term  applied  to  past  attachments 1 

6  Tends  to  focus  more  frequently  on  unsuitable  person  2 

7  Parents  more  often  disapprove  2 

8  Narrowly  focused  on  a  few  traits;  mostly  physical  thrill  2 

9  Less  frequently  accompanied  by  ambition  and  wide  interests  8 

10  Feelings  of  guilt,  insecurity,  and  frustration  are  frequent  * 

1 1  Tends  to  be  self-centered  and  restricted  * 

1 2  Boredom  is  frequent  when  there  is  no  sexual  excitement  or  social  amuse- 
ment4 

1 3  Little  change  in  the  relationship  with  the  passing  of  time  4 


14    Problems  and  barriers  are  often  disregarded;  idealization  may  have  little 
regard  for  reality  5 


4  Joe  McCarthy,  "How  Do  You  Know  You're  in  Love?"  McCall's  Magazine, 
Reprint,  pp.  26-27,  88-90. 

5  Stephen  Laycock,  Director  of  Mental  Hygiene,  Canada  (informal  communi- 
cation). 


42  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

had  not  kissed  each  other.  In  panic  the  girl,  now  a  young  woman  of 
nearly  twenty-five,  came  to  a  marital  guidance  center  for  help.  She 
shivered  as  she  told  of  her  fears  in  anticipating  her  marriage,  of  her  de- 
sire to  be  kissed  and  loved  by  this  man  who  meant  so  much  to  her.  Yet 
she  felt  impelled  to  fight  off  his  advances,  felt  herself  freeze  whenever 
he  came  near.  The  counselor  recommended  postponing  the  marriage 
until  the  couple  could  build  up  a  more  satisfactory  mode  of  expressing 
their  affection.  After  several  months,  the  counselor  with  step-by-step 
guidance  was  able  to  open  up  the  affectional  outlets  that  would  prepare 
them  for  the  married  happiness  they  both  wanted.  Elsie  and  her  hus- 
band, even  so,  will  probably  never  be  as  free  in  expressing  their  love  for 
each  other  as  couples  whose  childhood  experiences  in  loving  were  ade- 
quate. Learning  to  express  affection  takes  practice. 

How  Can  You  Know? 

Love  is  a  highly  variable  sentiment.  It  may  be  superficial  and  trivial 
or  it  may  be  splendid  and  deep.  Love  may  be  a  transient  appeal  that 
disappears  after  a  few  heavy  dates,  and  again  it  may  foster  a  relation- 
ship which  will  become  stronger  with  the  years.  It  would  be  folly  to 
decide  whether  or  not  to  marry  by  the  quality  of  the  love  sentiment 
at  a  given  moment.  In  some  instances  the  very  intensity  of  the  feeling 
may  be  a  danger  signal.  How  can  you  know  that  it's  the  type  of  love 
on  which  happy  marriages  are  based?  One  of  the  first  steps  is  to  dis- 
tinguish between  love  and  infatuation.  (See  table  on  pages  40-41.) 

Seven  Ways  fo  Tell  If  Your  Love  Will  Last.  There  is  no  magic  daisy 
petal  test  by  which  you  can  measure  the  extent  or  the  depth  or  the  per- 
manence of  your  love  feelings.  Yet,  if  you  are  going  to  try  to  base  your 
marriage  upon  your  love  for  each  other,  you  must  have  some  criteria  by 
which  to  judge  whether  yours  is  the  kind  of  love  that  may  be  expected 
to  last  in  marriage.  Here  are  some  ways  to  help  you  tell. 

LASTING  LOVE  .  .  . 

has  many  facets: 

tender,  passionate,  comradely,  protecting,  highly  specific  in  its  focus, 
widely  general  in  its  diffusion. 

is  outgoing: 

radiating  out  in  its  values,  concerns,  and  interests  to  others'  happiness 
and  well-being. 


IT'S    LOVEI?  43 

is  motivating: 

releases  energy  for  work,  is  creative,  brings  an  eagerness  to  grow,  to  im- 
prove, to  work  for  worthy  purposes  and  ideals. 

is  sharing: 

what  one  has  and  what  one  is  strive  to  be  shared;  thoughts,  feelings, 
attitudes,  ambitions,  hopes,  interests,  all  are  sharable. 

is  a  we-feeling: 

thinking  and  planning  are  in  terms  of  "we";  what  we  want,  how  we  feel, 
what  we  will  do,  rather  than  "I"  centeredness. 

is  realistic: 

faults,  weaknesses,  and  problems  are  faced  together  as  part  of  reality;  will- 
ingness to  work  on  building  the  relationship. 

changes  and  grows  with  time: 

time  is  the  surest  test  —  if  the  relationship  has  grown  through  many 
emotional  climates,  further  association,  developing  interests,  and  deepen- 
ing feelings,  the  chances  are  that  it  will  continue  to  grow  as  long  as  the 
persons  do. 

By  gaining  insight  into  ourselves  and  into  the  nature  of  our  past  and 
present  involvements,  we  may  learn  in  some  measure  how  to  appraise 
the  depth  and  the  strength  of  a  particular  relationship.  If  we  can  love 
another  deeply  enough  to  subordinate  ourselves  to  the  relationship  and 
lose  ourselves  in  values  common  to  both  of  us,  we  have  love  enough  to 
marry  on. 

Selected  Readings 

CHRISTENSEN,  HAROLD,  Marriage  Analysis  (New  York:  Ronald  Press,  1950), 

Chap.  7. 
DUVALL,  EVELYN  MiLLis,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association 

Press,  1950),  chaps.  9,  10,  13,  14. 
DUVALL,  SYLVANUS  M.,  Before  You  Marry  (New  York:  Association  Press, 

1949),  Chap.  i. 
FOLSOM,  JOSEPH  K.,  The  Family  and  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley, 

1934,  revised,  1943),  Chap.  11. 
MAGOUN,  F.  ALEXANDER,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948), 

Chap.  i. 
MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  Courtship  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Sloane,  1949), 

chaps.  2,  3. 
POPENOE,  PAUL,  "Infatuation  and  Its  Treatment,"  Family  Life  (March, 

1949),  pp.  1-2. 
WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  chaps. 

12-15. 


44  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Technical  References 

DYMOND,  ROSALIND,  "Personality  and  Empathy/'  Journal  of  Consulting  Psy- 
chology (October,  1950),  XIV,  No.  5,  pp.  343-350. 

ELLIS,  ALBERT,  "A  Study  of  Human  Love  Relationships,"  Journal  of  Genetic 
Psychology  (1949),  No.  75,  pp.  61-71. 

,  "A  Study  of  the  Love  Emotions  of  American  College  Girls,"  Interna- 
tional Journal  of  Sexology  (August,  1949),  pp.  1-6. 

,  "Questionnaire  Versus  Interview  Methods  in  the  Study  of  Human 

Love  Relationships.  II,  Uncategorized  Responses,"  American  Sociologi- 
cal Review  (February,  1948),  XIII,  No.  i,  pp.  61-65. 

,  "Some  Significant  Correlates  of  Love  and  Family  Attitudes  and  Be- 
havior," Journal  of  Social  Psychology  (1949),  No.  30;  pp.  3—16. 

KIRKPATRICK,  CLIFFORD,  AND  CAPLOW,  THEODORE,  "Emotional  Trends  in  the 
Courtship  Experience  of  College  Students  as  Expressed  by  Graphs  with 
Some  Observations  on  Methodological  Implications,"  American  Socio- 
logical Review  (October,  1945),  X,  No.  5,  pp.  619-626. 

PRESCOTT,  DANIEL,  "Role  of  Love  in  Human  Development,"  Journal  of 
Home  Economics  (March,  1952),  pp.  173-176. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden,  revised  1951),  Chap.  7. 

WINCH,  ROBERT,  "Some  Data  Bearing  on  the  Oedipus  Hypothesis,"  Journal 
of  Abnormal  and  Social  Psychology  (July,  1950),  Vol.  45,  No.  3,  pp. 
481-489. 


CHAPTER  THREE 


"Well  .  .  .  Can't  you  say  something!" 


DATING:  PRACTICE  MAKES  PERFECT 


What  makes  a  person  popular? 

How  about  petting  as  a  pastime? 

Why  are  some  folks  so  slow  starting  to  date? 

What  is  there  to  do  on  a  date  besides  the  same  old  stuff? 

What  can  you  do  about  the  fast  ones? 


HEN  YOU  MARRY,  YOU  MARRY  SOMEONE  YOU  ALREADY  KNOW. 

The  strange  prince  who  dashes  up  and  carries  the  blushing  damsel  away 
on  his  white  horse  is  no  more  in  evidence  today  than  is  his  prancing 
charger.  Couples  find  each  other  in  contemporary  society  through  a 
variety  of  associations  that  precede  courtship  and  marriage.  These 
paired  contacts  between  the  sexes  go  by  the  name  of  dating. 

What  Is  a  Date? 

Young  people  themselves  usually  think  of  a  date  as  a  mutually  agreed 
upon  association  of  a  boy  and  a  girl,  or  a  man  and  a  woman,  for  a  par- 
ticular occasion  or  activity.  Dating  today  differs  from  courtship,  as  it 
used  to  be  defined,  in  that  young  people  now  can  date  each  other  with- 
out either  of  them  or  their  parents  assuming  that  because  they  date 
they  are  seriously  interested  in  each  other.  They  may  be.  But  just  the 
fact  of  their  dating  each  other  does  not  commit  them  in  the  future. 

As  such,  dating  is  a  phenomenon  of  the  twentieth  century.  Before 
then  it  was  usual  for  the  boy  to  request  permission  of  the  girl's  parents 
to  "court"  her  before  any  paired  association  took  place.  Courtship  inv 


48  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

plied  in  the  eyes  of  the  couple,  the  parents,  and  the  community  a  re- 
sponsibility for  the  future  that  the  greater  freedom  of  current  dating 
does  not. 

Dating  is  defined  differently  by  some  observers  than  by  others.  Wil- 
lard  Waller  observing  college  young  people,  after  World  War  I  in  the 
East,  took  a  pessimistic  view  of  dating  as  largely  exploitative  and  com- 
petitive. Margaret  Mead  and  Geoffrey  Gorer  have  since  echoed  these 
reflections.  Students  of  the  family  such  as  Burgess  and  Locke,  on  the 
other  hand,  have  seen  dating  as  preliminary  to  courtship  and  as  having 
functions  preparatory  to  courtship  and  marriage.  A  third  concept  of 
dating  formulated  by  persons  working  closely  with  large  numbers  of 
high  school  and  college  students  is  that  dating  is  a  value  in  itself  both 
in  personality  development  and  in  education  for  future  stages  of  involve- 
ment and  commitment.  These  three  concepts  of  dating  are  outlined 
below. 

HOW  DATING  IS  DEFINED1 

Dating  as  a  dalliance:          Prestige  in  rating 
a  time-filler  2  Status  in  ^^  group 

Excitement  in  pretended  involvement        . 

Pursuit  of  a  thrill 

Exploitative 

Capacity  to  love  impaired 

Many  are  hurt 

Poor  education  for  marriage 

Dating  as  preliminary        Opportunity  for  association  with  other  sex 
to  courtship  3  Variety  of  social  experience 

Range  of  social  contacts 
Selection  of  compatible  pairs 
Opportunities  for  choice  of  potential  mate 

1  See  Samuel   Harman   Lowrie,   "Dating  Theories  and   Student  Responses," 
American  Sociological  Review  (June,  1951),  Vol.  16,  No.  3,  pp.  334-340. 

2  See  especially,  Willard  Waller,  "The  Rating  and  Dating  Complex,"  American 
Sociological  Review  (October,  1937),  No.  2,  pp.  727-734;  The  Family,  a  Dynamic 
Interpretation  (New  York:  Cordon,  1938),  pp.  222-235;  and  Margaret  Mead,  Male 
and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1949),  pp.  281-295;  also,  Geoffrey  Gorer,  The 
American  People  (New  York:  Norton,  1948),  pp.  106-132. 

3  Ernest  W.  Burgess  and  Harvey  Locke,  The  Family  (New  York:  American 
Book,  1945),  pp.  382-393. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  49 

Dating  as  a  social  Enriched  personality  development 

value  in  itself  *  BrQad  experience 

Wide  acquaintance 

Skills  in  mixing  socially 

Poise  and  self-confidence 

Rational  selection  of  friends  among  other  sex 

Prestige  among  associates 

Satisfaction  of  social  goals 


Some  Do  Not  Date 

Those  who  take  the  "dating  is  dalliance"  point  of  view  might  consider 
the  young  person  who  does  not  date  as  fortunate.  He  is  not  wasting 
his  time  in  a  time-filler  that  leads  to  nothing  but  pain.  Apparently 
young  people  themselves  do  not  consider  the  lack  of  dates  as  an  advan- 
tage. Indeed  one  of  the  most  frequent  problems  that  both  boys  and 
girls  raise  is  that  of  not  having  enough  contact  with  the  other  sex 
through  dating.  The  Purdue  University  Opinion  Panel  for  Young  Peo- 
ple, in  a  systematic  country- wide  analysis  of  representative  young  people 
from  12  to  20  years  of  age,  reports  that  students  in  senior  high  schools, 
in  significant  percentages,  indicate  their  concern  for  the  lack  of  dating 
opportunities  and  skills.5 


SOME  YOUNG  PEOPLE  REPORT  THEY  DO  NOT  DATE 

Seldom  have  dates  BOYS  48%         39%  GIRLS 

Don't  have  a  girl  (boy)  friend  41  30 

Don't  know  how  to  keep  girls  (boys)  interested  25  33 

Are  bashful  about  asking  girls  for  dates  34 

Don't  know  how  to  ask  a  girl  for  a  date  26 
Wonder  whether  anything  is  wrong  with  going 

places  "stag"  23 
Wonder  whether  it  is  all  right  to  accept  "blind 

dates"  29 

*  Lowrie,  op.  cit.,  p.  337;  also,  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall  and  Reuben  Hill,  When 
You  Marry  (New  York:  Association  Press,  1945),  Chap.  3;  and  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall, 
Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association  Press,  1950),  Chaps.  5,  6. 

5  H.  H.  Remmers  and  Benjamin  Shimberg,  Examiner  Manual  for  the  SRA 
Youth  Inventory,  Form  A,  Science  Research  Associates,  228  So.  Wabash  Avenue, 
Chicago,  Illinois  (August,  1949),  p.  4. 


50 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


"I  don't  think  boys  are  half  as  girl-crazy  as  people  say  they  are/ 


Reproduced  by  permission  of  Martha  Blanchard 
from  THE  SATUBDAY  EVENING  POST,  October  6,  1951 


The  problem  is  greater  for  younger  than  for  older  youth.  But  there 
is  evidence  that  a  considerable  number  of  out-of-school  young  people  and 
college  students  still  are  not  dating.  More  than  a  third  of  the  univer- 
sity students  in  one  study 6  reported  inadequate  opportunities  for  meet- 
ing members  of  the  other  sex.  Attempts  to  analyze  why  some  young 
people  do  not  get  dates  uncovers  a  number  of  traits  and  characteristics 
that  seem  to  be  handicaps.  Physically  unattractive,  geographically  iso- 
lated, academically  insulated,  emotionally  immature,  and  psychologi- 


8  Clifford  Kirkpatrick  and  Theodore  Caplow,  "Courtship  in  a  Group  of  Minne- 
sota Students,"  American  Journal  of  Sociology  (September,  1945 ),  LI,  No.  2,  p.  117. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  51 

cally  unstable  young  people  of  both  sexes  seem  to  have  more  difficulty 
securing  the  favorable  attention  of  the  other  sex  than  do  the  attractive, 
accessible,  mature,  and  socially  skilled  young  people. 

Preferences  in  Dafes.  A  nation-wide  sample  of  thousands  of  high 
school  students  paralleling  previous  studies  of  college  youth  reports  that 
there  is  general  agreement  among  young  people  as  to  who  is  preferred 
as  a  dating  partner.  The  seven  characteristics  rated  highest  are  in  the 
table  below,  in  order  of  rank.7 


THE  PREFERRED  DATE  .  .  . 

is  physically  and  mentally  fit 

is  dependable,  can  be  trusted 

takes  pride  in  personal  appearance  and  manners 

is  clean  in  speech  and  action 

has  pleasant  disposition  and  a  sense  of  humor 

is  considerate  of  me  and  others 

acts  own  age,  is  not  childish 

Both  sexes  have  certain  patterns  of  conduct  objectionable  to  the 
other  sex.  In  general,  boys  are  criticized  for  being  less  inhibited  and 
more  careless,  thoughtless,  disrespectful,  sex-driven,  and  loud  than  their 
partners  in  dating.  Girls  are  characterized  as  being  less  natural,  more 
touchy,  money-minded,  unresponsive,  childish,  and  flighty  than  the  boys 
they  date.8 


At  What  Age  Does  Dating  Begin? 

Many  factors  seem  to  operate  to  determine  the  age  at  which  dating 
begins. 

What  Your  Folks  Expect  of  You.  Dating  practices  vary  widely  from 
family  to  family.  There  are  still  some  fathers  and  mothers  who  so  pro- 
tect their  girls  that  any  man  walking  their  daughter  home  is  subjected 
to  a  full  inquiry  of  his  intentions.  A  considerable  number  of  fathers 
forbid  their  daughters  dating  privileges.  Other  parents  expect  young 

7  Harold  Christensen,  "Dating  Behavior  as  Evaluated  by  High  School  Students," 
American  Journal  of  Sociology  (May,  1952),  LVII,  No.  6,  p.  580. 

8  Christensen,  op.  cit.,  pp.  581-582. 


52  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

people  to  "couple  off"  very  early,  with  no  questions  asked  or  eyebrows 
raised.  In  fact,  many  parents  encourage  both  their  sons  and  daughters 
in  their  first  dating. 

ATTITUDES  OF  PARENTS  TOWARD  FIRST  DATING  9 

Attitude  of  Parents  as  Reported  Father  toward  Mother  toward 

by  Students  Son  Daughter  Son  Daughter 

Prohibited  or  disapproved  8.5%       18.0%  7-3%         9-5% 

Indifferent  70.7  62.3  57.6  39.6 

Encouraged  20.8  19.7  35.1  50.9 

Where  You  Come  in  the  Family.  Studies  of  the  age  at  which  young 
people  begin  to  have  dates  indicate  that  their  position  in  the  family  is 
a  very  important  factor.  Only  children  and  oldest  children  are  usually 
a  little  slower  in  getting  started  than  are  the  younger  members  of  the 
family.  The  oldest  boy  or  girl  has  to  break  the  ice  among  the  younger 
set  in  the  neighborhood.  In  addition,  he  must  get  the  parents  accus- 
tomed to  the  idea  that  going  out  is  all  right.  This  is  especially  difficult 
when  customs  are  changing  from  one  generation  to  the  next  as  they  are 
today.  Parents  who  lived  in  the  times  when  no  nice  girl  was  out  after 
dark  with  a  man  the  family  didn't  know  well,  take  some  plain  and  fancy 
reconditioning  to  be  brought  up  to  date.  The  older  children  in  the 
family  perform  a  real  service  to  their  younger  brothers  and  sisters  in 
winning  the  parents  over  to  the  idea  of  modern  dating.  The  younger 
fry  then  come  along  and  take  advantage  of  all  the  spade  work  which  has 
been  done.  The  result  is  that  they  begin  dating  earlier  and  know  more 
about  it  than  their  older  brothers  and  sisters. 

It  is  not  uncommon  for  younger  brothers  and  sisters  to  get  some 
practice  on  the  friends  of  those  just  ahead  of  them  in  the  family.  Kid 
brother  may  be  a  pest  when  he  hangs  around  the  sofa  when  the  boy 
friends  come  calling,  but  he  is  also  getting  some  very  good  tips  on  what 
to  do  in  such  a  situation  and  how  a  girl  whom  he  knows  as  well  as  he 
does  that  sister  of  his  acts  when  she  is  on  a  date.  Little  sisters  haven't 
quite  the  reputation  of  little  brothers  for  having  to  be  bought  off  by 
visiting  suitors,  but  they  usually  stick  around  long  enough  to  get  in  a 
few  licks  of  practice  on  their  sister's  boy  friends,  and  thus  smooth  over 

9  Adapted  from  Clifford  Kirkpatrick  and  Theodore  Caplow,  "Courtship  in  a 
Group  of  Minnesota  Students/'  American  Journal  of  Sociology  (September,  1945), 
LI,  No.  2,  p.  115. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  53 

some  of  their  own  rough  edges  before  they  try  out  their  techniques  on 
a  boy  who  really  matters.  Going  along  for  the  ride  with  the  set  just  a 
notch  older  is  of  great  help  in  improving  these  skills  and  in  getting  in 
on  the  social  activities  about  town.  "Has  she  got  a  sister?"  is  a  boost 
that  gives  many  a  kid  sister  a  start. 

How  Friendly  You  Are.  Friendly  people  make  friends.  In  no  area  is 
this  more  true  than  in  dating.  The  person  who  has  learned  to  enjoy 
being  with  people,  to  be  sensitive  to  what  they  do  and  do  not  like,  and 
who  has  developed  the  skills  of  being  attractive  to  others  is  off  to  a  head 
start  when  it  comes  to  getting  along  with  the  other  sex.  These  skills  are 
specifically  learned.  The  little  wolf  child  whom  you  have  read  about 
wouldn't  have  the  slightest  idea  of  what  to  do  on  a  coke  date  .  .  .  she 
couldn't  even  sit  up  to  the  table!  Shy  Sam  who  got  his  feelings  hurt  in 
second  grade  and  hasn't  talked  to  a  girl  since  may  be  in  an  awkward  spot 
when  it  comes  to  facing  the  terrors  of  a  high  school  dance.  Smooth  Sue 
who  has  gone  around  with  many  friends  of  assorted  sizes  and  sexes  from 
the  time  she  first  held  Jimmie's  hand  in  nursery  school  has  probably 
learned  what  it  takes  to  be  friendly  and  comfortable  with  all  kinds  of 
boys.  In  this  sense,  being  a  person  of  experience  is  quite  acceptable. 

Learning  to  be  friendly  is  every  bit  as  complex  an  attainment  as 
learning  to  swim  or  to  ride  a  bicycle,  and  maybe  a  little  more  so.  You 
can't  learn  to  swim  without  getting  some  water  up  your  nose  and  being 
sure  that  your  next  breath  may  be  your  last!  If  you  can  take  these  first 
uncomfortable  moments,  you  are  soon  paddling  around,  wondering 
what  the  early  fuss  was  all  about  and  feeling  sure  you  could  do  a  swan 
dive  if  you  practiced.  It  is  practice  that  makes  for  the  poise  and  skills 
that  are  so  universally  envied  in  dating  too. 

What  You  Consider  a  Date.  It  would  be  hard  for  some  young  adults 
to  remember  when  they  had  their  first  real  date.  Young  people  of  both 
sexes  mingle  so  freely  in  some  of  our  communities  that  they  have  liter- 
ally been  doing  things  together  since  before  they  could  toddle.  It  is  be- 
coming more  and  more  common  for  grade  school  boys  to  take  girls  in 
their  classrooms  to  a  Saturday  afternoon  movie,  or  a  children's  sym- 
phony, or  the  zoo,  in  a  pattern  of  behavior  that  has  many  of  the  aspects 
which  in  older  circles  is  known  as  dating.  In  some  neighborhoods, 
however,  a  girl  is  not  allowed  to  go  anywhere  with  a  boy  until  she  is 
sixteen  or  older,  and  then  under  supervision,  and  the  event  is  regarded 


54  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

by  the  family  and  friends  as  quite  an  occasion.  So  the  age  at  which  you 
begin  to  date,  as  such,  depends  on  whether  you  define  a  date  as  some- 
thing special,  over  and  beyond  the  child's  play  of  early  friendship,  or 
whether  you  are  willing  to  call  any  sortie  of  a  couple  a  date,  no  matter 
what  the  maturity  of  the  participants  may  be. 

Wfien  You  Become  Mafure.  Recent  studies  of  the  rate  and  pace  .at 
which  children  become  adults  show  that  there  is  a  great  difference  in 
the  speed  with  which  individuals  do  grow  up.  Generally  speaking,  most 
girls  mature  a  little  earlier  than  boys  do,  causing  some  tension  between 
the  sexes,  especially  at  the  awkward  age  along  about  junior  high  school 
time.  Not  only  are  the  girls  physically  more  mature  than  the  boys  of 
their  own  age,  but  they  are  ready  for  grown-up  activities  before  the  boys 
are.  We  know  definitely  that  these  grown-up  interests,  such  as  getting 
special  pleasure  out  of  being  with  those  of  the  other  sex,  taking  an  in- 
terest in  one's  personal  appearance,  enjoying  love  stories  and  romantic 
movies,  etc.,  follow  the  physical  maturing  of  the  boy  or  girl.  The  girl 
who  is  beginning  to  look  like  a  woman  wants  to  act  like  one.  The  boy 
who  is  as  tall  as  his  dad  will  very  soon  be  seeking  the  more  grown-up 
roles  he  has  seen  his  dad  and  other  men  play.  This  sequence  of  devel- 
opment of  the  person  is  more  important  by  far  than  his  or  her  chrono- 
logical age.  In  careful  work  at  the  University  of  California,  it  has  been 
shown  that  as  much  as  five  years'  difference  may  be  found  in  the  age  at 
which  boys  begin  to  develop.  Some  youngsters  of  ten  are  already  in  the 
puberal  cycle  (period  of  change  from  childhood  to  adulthood,  physically 
speaking),  while  others  of  nearly  fourteen  haven't  yet  started.10  And 
the  age  at  which  boys  complete  their  physical  growth  is  not  the  same 
for  all  boys.  Some  are  through  the  growth  period  before  they  are  fif- 
teen, while  others  may  be  out  of  high  school  before  they  achieve  ma- 
turity. These  individual  differences  are  important  to  recognize,  so  that 
we  won't  expect  all  seventeen-year-old  boys  to  be  alike  in  their  readiness 
for  dating,  for  dancing,  or  any  other  adult  activity.  Girls  show  much 
the  same  personal  variation  in  their  development,  and  by  the  seventh  or 
the  eighth  grade  we  find  two  thirds  of  the  girls  on  their  way  to  becom- 
ing young  ladies  —  one  of  the  reasons  why  they  vote  for  long  dresses 
and  a  graduation  dance.  Two  thirds  of  the  boys  in  their  classes,  how- 

10  Lois  Hayden  Meek  and  associates,  The  Personal-Social  Development  of  Boys 
and  Girls  with  Implications  for  Secondary  Education  (New  York:  Progressive  Educa- 
tion Association,  1940),  p.  34. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  55 

ever,  haven't  yet  started  on  the  cycle  of  growth  that  is  to  carry  them  into 
manhood. 

This  general  tendency  for  girls  to  grow  up  before  the  boys  of  their 
own  age  leads  to  another  interesting  occurrence  —  girls  usually  date  boys 
a  little  older  than  themselves.  Boys,  conversely,  prefer  girls  younger 
than  themselves  as  friends  and  dates.  This  tendency  carries  right 
through  the  dating,  mating,  engagement,  and  marriage  periods  and  is 

STAGES  IN  DATING  DEVELOPMENT 

Hit-and-Miss  Childhood  Groups 

Determined  largely  by  family,  neighborhood,  and  community  opportuni- 
ties, the  geographical  "range"  to  roam  provided,  and  the  amount  of  su- 
pervision. 

Gang  Groups 

Cliquelike  groups  formed  by  both  boys  and  girls  for  which  they  feel  deep 
loyalty  but  which  change  in  nature  and  membership  very  readily. 

Fleeting  Affinities 

The  coke  date,  the  "being  walked  home  from  school"  involvements  char- 
acteristic of  the  junior  high  school  and  high  school  age,  types  of  tempo- 
rary try-outs  with  each  other  across  the  sex  line  on  a  couple  basis,  called 
"playing  the  field"  by  some. 

Going  Together 

A  recognizable  couple  formation  in  which  a  boy  and  girl  show  preference 
for  each  other  over  a  period  of  time,  perhaps  for  just  a  few  weeks,  the 
"Jane  is  going  with  Jim"  stage. 

Mixed  Couple  Formations 

Constellations  of  several  previously  identifiable  couples  who  start  going 
round  together  in  groups  of  several  couples,  attending  basketball  games 
together,  coming  to  the  proms  together,  visiting  one  another's  homes  as  a 
group  —  the  "sets"  we  see  in  every  community. 

Going  Steady 

Couples  who  find  their  own  status  as  a  couple  taking  precedence  over 
other  alignments. 

Choosing  "The  One" 

Selection  of  a  permanent  partner  with  the  "understanding"  that  engage- 
ment and  marriage  will  develop  naturally. 


56  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

known  as  the  "age  gradient."  Unfortunately,  few  of  our  schools  and 
communities  have  made  adequate  provision  for  this  mingling  of  the  sexes 
of  different  age  groups,  making  dating  more  difficult  than  it  is  where 
young  people  of  different  ages  have  ready  access  to  each  other  in  every- 
day work  and  play  situations. 

When  a  person  starts  to  date  is  not  nearly  as  important  as  how  he 
begins.  The  factors  determining  the  onset  of  his  dating  practice  operate 
in  many  ways  to  influence  the  progress  of  dating  for  him.  But  more 
important  by  far  is  his  willingness  and  ability  to  learn  the  rules  and 
skills  by  which  success  is  attained,  because  no  one  is  born  popular.  So- 
cial success  is  a  learned  art,  and  learning  is  hard  and  long  for  most  of  us. 
In  the  last  analysis,  then,  the  ability  to  understand  and  accept  the  whole 
dating  scheme  is  more  important  than  the  age  of  starting. 

Although  the  forms  and  patterns  of  dating  vary  widely  in  different 
sections  of  the  country,  there  is  a  general  pattern  of  development  that  is 
interesting.  It  appears  in  tabular  form  in  the  table  on  page  55. 


How  Many  Kinds  of  Dates  Are  There? 

We  not  only  go  through  a  process  of  several  stages  in  our  dating  experi- 
ences, but  we  have  many  kinds  of  dating  relationships  within  any  one  pe- 
riod. These  experiences  are  distinguished  by  the  meanings  and  feelings 
they  arouse,  as  we  shall  see  in  the  following  analysis: 

Old-shoe  familiarity  is  characteristic  of  dates  with  old  pals  and  friends  who 
are  enjoyed  as  comrades,  with  very  little  of  the  excitement  of  novelty  or 
the  thrill  of  "being  in  love."  She  is  just  "good  old  Lillian"  to  him  and 
is  taken  for  granted  in  much  the  same  way  he  takes  his  sister  or  his 
maiden  aunt. 

Glamor  dates  are  made  of  different  stuff.  They  are  something  of  an  achieve- 
ment. Being  seen  with  a  "glamor  girl"  is  a  feather  in  his  cap.  Similarly, 
a  girl  is  envied  as  having  made  a  "catch"  if  she  is  seen  with  someone  who 
rates  high  among  her  friends. 

Blind  dates  and  pick-ups  are  more  scary,  in  a  sense.  There's  the  feeling  of 
being  on  your  guard  at  the  same  time  that  you  probe  around  to  see  how 
far  you  can  go.  There's  the  disadvantage  of  being  afraid  to  be  stuck  with 
a  dud,  but  the  advantage  of  being  able  to  try  out  your  skills  on  someone 
who  doesn't  have  to  remind  you  of  possible  failures  later.  They  are  good 
experiences  but  risky  on  the  whole,  both  in  feeling  tones  and  in  results. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  57 

Difficulties  arise  when  romantic  ideas  press  you  to  look  for  the  "one  and 
only"  behind  every  blind  date,  with  the  consequence  of  disillusionment 
and  disappointment,  and  inability  to  enjoy  the  real  situation  for  what  it 
is  worth. 

Growing  friendships  deepen  and  widen  their  bases  through  the  opportuni- 
ties of  dating.  The  couple  get  to  know  each  other,  and  discover  new 
aspects  of  their  own  changing  relationship  that  give  the  date  more  mean- 
ing and  charge  it  with  an  increasing  depth  and  variety  of  feeling.  This 
kind  of  date  usually  leads  to  something,  though  not  always  the  altar.  It 
may  be  just  the  basis  for  a  lifelong  friendship. 


Where  to  Go  and  What  to  Do  on  a  Date 

Keeping  dates  from  becoming  monotonous  is  one  of  the  difficulties  of 
modern  dating.  "Where  can  we  go?"  "What  can  we  do?"  "What  can 
you  do?"  "What  can  you  do  that's  fun  at  home?"  are  pressingly  urgent 
questions  for  many  young  people.  Few  of  our  cities  and  towns  have  pro- 
vided the  kinds  of  facilities  most  young  folk  enjoy.  All  too  often  there 
is  nothing  but  the  movies,  the  pool  halls  and  taverns,  and  the  dance 
halls  open  for  the  casual  dater.  In  some  communities  Teen  Canteens, 
Community  Centers,  Teen  Towns,  etc.,  have  sprung  up  as  hangouts 
and  recreation  centers  for  the  young  people  of  the  town.  There  with 
a  juke  box,  soft  drinks,  ping-pong  tables,  and  a  kitchenette,  young  peo- 
ple of  dating  age  dance,  drink  cokes,  pop  corn,  and  swap  lines,  and  de- 
velop the  skills  that  are  necessary  to  get  along  with  each  other.  But  for 
the  town  without  such  a  community  hangout,  what  is  there  for  young 
people  to  do  when  they  get  together? 

For  the  outdoor  girl  and  boy  there  are  many  possibilities:  skating, 
hiking,  the  walkie-talkie  date,  cycling,  swimming,  gardening,  hunting  for 
nature  specimens  of  all  kinds,  picnics,  to  say  nothing  of  all  the  outdoor 
games  and  sports  from  croquet  and  tennis  to  golf  and  horseback  riding. 
Making  equipment  for  a  favorite  sport  is  great  fun.  The  couple  that 
spent  all  one  summer  building  a  little  rowboat  got  a  thrill  that  will 
make  boating  forever  afterwards  exciting.  Setting  up  an  archery  set  in 
the  back  yard  may  be  as  interesting  as  using  it  afterwards.  There  are 
innumerable  pursuits  which  the  creative-minded  couple  can  explore 
together. 

Stay-at-home  dates  can  be  made  interesting  by  the  couple  who  can 
think  of  home  as  encompassing  more  territory  than  just  the  davenport. 


58 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


Scrapbook  of  Army-Navy  Humor 

"Since  you're  new  at  this,  Anderson,  maybe  you'd  better 
just  tag  along  and  watch." 


The  kitchen  has  real  possibilities  for  group  or  couple  dating.  Making 
up  a  batch  of  spaghetti,  trying  out  a  recipe  for  Hungarian  goulash,  or 
beating  up  an  old-fashioned  coffee  cake  have  been  known  to  keep  dating 
young  people  interested  for  several  hours  at  a  time.  There  is  nothing 
dull  in  the  clowning  around  and  deciding  what  to  make,  or  the  who-will- 
do-what  that  precedes  the  actual  culinary  endeavor  itself.  Refreshments 
are  no  problem  when  friends  make  their  own.  Even  the  cleaning  up 
is  fun  with  big  Arthur  behind  the  best  chintz  apron,  and  everybody  be- 
hind plans  for  next  time.  It's  no  wonder  that  some  groups  of  young 
people  have  worked  their  way  through  the  United  Nations  Cookbook 
in  a  series  of  kitchen  dates  around  the  calendar. 

Attics  yield  materials  for  parades  in  costume  and  impromptu  plays 
and  skits.  The  dining  room  table  is  just  the  spot  for  a  series  of  group 
table  games  where  several  couples  can  participate  at  once.  Games  sug- 
gested by  such  agencies  as  the  National  Recreation  Association  and  the 
publishers  of  Handy  are  especially  good. 

Living  rooms  adapt  themselves  well  to  a  variety  of  dates.  Piano 
games,  singing  old  favorites  and  new  hot  numbers,  amateur  orchestras, 
parlor  games  of  the  more  grown-up  varieties  such  as  Elsa  Maxwell  so  in- 
geniously devises  and  which  are  described  from  time  to  time  in  popular 
magazines,  reading  aloud,  and  a  galaxy  of  other  activities  around  com- 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  59 

mon  projects  can  be  fascinating.  One  couple  entertained  friends  by 
providing  a  large  cotton  square  which  they  were  all  to  decorate  with 
gaudy  block  printing  made  from  cut  potato  halves  (each  person  making 
his  own  design)  dipped  in  a  fabric  paint.  It  took  all  evening,  but  was 
it  fun!  And  you  should  see  the  table  cloth  that  resulted.  .  .  . 

Radio  to  the  imaginative  couple  will  suggest  not  just  listening,  nor 
even  dancing  to  its  rhythms,  but  also  working  out  slogans  and  sending 
in  questions  to  stump  the  experts.  A  dozen  other  ventures  into  creative 
twosomeness  can  be  interesting  and  rewarding,  even  if  the  sponsor 
doesn't  come  across  with  a  check  by  return  mail.  A  person  armed  with 
such  ideas  will  be  welcomed  into  almost  any  home.  He  will  find  that 
dating  this  way  can  be  great  fun,  and  that  he  doesn't  have  to  be  the 
center  of  attention  to  have  a  good  time. 

Where  to  go  and  what  to  do  depends  not  only  on  the  wealth  of  local 
resources  but  even  more  on  the  ability  of  those  who  date  to  make  use 
of  what  they  have.  Going  to  the  museum  doesn't  have  to  be  stuffy. 
Going  to  a  concert  isn't  necessarily  prosaic.  What  takes  any  activity  out 
of  the  area  of  the  humdrum  is  to  give  it  focus.  "You  must  see  this" 
"Don't  miss  that"  are  quite  different  in  interest  appeal  from  the  lacka- 
daisical, unfocused  suggestion,  "Do  you  want  to  go  downtown?"  or 
"Would  you  like  to  make  something?"  This  pepping  up  of  the  dating 
activities  comes  with  experience  and  learning  as  does  everything  else. 
Take  your  time.  Plan  your  campaign.  And  have  fun! 

What  about  Petting? 

Do  you  have  to  pet  to  be  popular?  No  question  is  more  universally 
asked  by  young  people  who  want  to  rate  and  to  date  and  yet  are  inter- 
ested in  a  variety  of  dating  activities  beyond  the  sheer  sex-exploration 
level.  To  answer  the  question  wisely,  a  categorical  "Yes"  or  "No"  is 
not  adequate.  Rather,  let  us  look  for  answers  to  certain  subquestions, 
an  understanding  of  which  will  give  direction  to  the  final  personal 
choice. 

Why  Do  Young  People  Pet?  Young  people  discussing  this  problem 
give  the  following  reasons  for  premarital  petting: 

It  seems  to  be  expected  of  you. 

The  rest  of  the  crowd  are  all  doing  it. 

You  need  some  assurance  that  you  are  desirable. 


60  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Where  else  can  you  get  a  little  loving?    Most  young  folk  are  too  old  to  be 

fondled  by  their  parents  any  more,  and  too  young  to  enjoy  the  caresses  of 

marriage. 

It's  exciting. 

Sure  it's  sex,  but  what's  wrong  with  that? 

It's  something  to  do  ...  most  dates  are  a  bore  without  it. 

How  else  can  you  know  you  are  compatible? 

What's  Wrong  with  Petting?  There  seems  to  be  some  agreement 
among  both  young  people  and  understanding  adults  that  too  frequent 
and  too  promiscuous  petting  has  hazards  that  mostjolk  like  to  avoid. 
Briefly  listed,  these  difficulties  are: 

Petting  often  rules  out  other  activities. 

It  tends  to  overemphasize  the  physical  aspects  of  the  relationship. 
It  may  limit  the  choice  of  companionship. 

It  may  give  rise  to  feelings  of  shame  and  guilt  (our  own  early  training  and 
the  standards  of  the  communities  in  which  we  live  see  to  this) . 
It  rouses  sex  feelings  and  then  leaves  them  unsatisfied. 
It  leads  too  often  into  premarital  sex  intercourse  with  the  threats  of  un- 
wanted pregnancy  and  feelings  of  regret. 

It  makes  good  marriage  adjustment  difficult,  especially  when  the  petting  has 
been  too  promiscuous  and  too  deeply  established  as  a  pattern  of  behavior. 

Although  there  are  very  real  dangers  of  going  too  far  in  the  petting 
game  before  marriage,  few  people  are  so  constituted  that  they  can  re- 
frain from  expressing  affection  when  they  feel  it.  Between  people  who 
love  each  other  deeply  and  who  are  sharing  rich  and  meaningful  experi- 
ences, some  physical  expression  of  the  love  each  feels  for  the  other  is  de- 
sirable. When  these  expressions  of  affection  become  sex-tinged  they 
need  not  terrify  the  intelligent  couple,  but  should  merely  serve  to  indi- 
cate the  potency  of  the  force  which  attracts  them  to  each  other. 

Occasionally  a  young  person  may  be  so  strictly  brought  up  that  he 
develops  feelings  of  disgust  and  comes  to  avoid  all  physical  contact 
with  others.  Elsie  (p.  39)  was  such  a  person.  She  came  within  weeks 
of  marriage  without  ever  having  been  kissed  by  either  her  lover  or  any 
other  man.  Consequently,  she  was  in  panic  over  the  prospect  of  the  im- 
pending intimacies  of  marriage.  The  counselor  she  consulted  had  to 
recommend  a  postponement  of  the  marriage  until  the  couple  had  paved 
the  way  more  adequately  for  the  marriage  that  was  to  come.  Such  a 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  61 

case  is  unusual,  but  aspects  of  it  are  sufficiently  common,  especially 
among  exceedingly  nice  girls,  to  make  one  aware  of  the  dangers  of  too 
much  prudery  as  well  as  of  an  excess  of  license  in  the  sex  field. 

Do  You  Have  fo  Pef  to  Be  Popular?  No,  you  do  not!  Popularity  that 
rests  on  a  reputation  for  petting  is  not  as  satisfying  as  popularity  which 
comes  from  the  attraction  of  a  pleasing  personality.  Popularity  is  a 
nebulous  concept  involving  all  the  complexities  of  what  makes  a  person 
attractive  to  others:  appearance,  abilities,  responses,  attitudes,  charm, 
and  specific  skills.  In  dating  success  all  of  these  play  a  part,  but  large 
numbers  of  young  people  from  all  sorts  of  settings  agree  that  the  ele- 
ment of  friendliness  is  of  primary  importance.  The  person  who  has  de- 
veloped the  habit  of  being  friendly,  who  is  genuinely  interested  in  people 
and  eager  to  know  them  better,  who  sees  girls  as  interesting  person- 
alities to  explore  and  understand  as  whole  personalities,  who  likes  boys 
for  what  they  are,  who  has  had  many  pleasant  experiences  with  a  wide 
variety  of  people  in  the  past  so  that  he  meets  new  ones  with  eagerness 
and  anticipation  rather  than  with  fear  and  hostility,  who  feels  that  peo- 
ple like  him  and  that  they  will  like  him  better  when  they  know  him  bet- 
ter —  this  is  the  type  of  person,  old  or  young,  boy  or  girl,  who  will  enjoy 
popularity.  This  kind  of  person  makes  people  feel  comfortable  when 
he  is  around;  he  doesn't  threaten  or  antagonize;  he  enjoys  people  and 
they  enjoy  him,  and  he  will  always  be  a  welcome  companion.  His 
friendliness  is  all  he  needs  to  get  through  to  other  people. 

A  person  with  skills  also  has  alternatives  to  petting.  The  girl  who 
can  do  things  goes  places.  If  she  can  swim  and  dance  and  play  a  decent 
game  of  tennis  and  bridge,  or  can  sing  or  play  an  instrument  and  carry 
on  a  live  conversation,  she  is  invited  out  more  often,  goes  to  more  places, 
meets  more  people.  Such  skills  are  developed  by  the  processes  of  learn- 
ing and  are  worth  the  effort  for  the  person  who  would  be  a  popular,  suc- 
cessful dater. 

When  They  Are  Either  Too  Slow  or  Too  Fast 

What  do  to  with  the  "dumb  bunny"  who  answers  in  monosyllables  and 
leaves  the  whole  burden  of  the  date  on  you  is  a  puzzler.  One  construc- 
tive possibility  is  to  take  the  situation  as  a  challenge  and  see  what  your 
social  skills  and  insights  can  do  to  help  the  other  person  have  a  good 
time.  Loosening  up  a  shy,  reserved  girl  to  the  place  where  her  eyes  are 


62  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

shining  and  she's  having  a  good  time  with  you  brings  rewards  that  even 
the  Smooth  Suzy  can't  guarantee.  Girls  as  USO  hostesses  and  YWCA 
volunteers  have  done  an  excellent  job  of  making  lonesome,  reserved,  and 
uncomfortable  boys  feel  at  home. 

Dealing  with  the  fast  ones  is  quite  another  thing.11  Wolves  don't 
always  go  in  packs  or  pick  on  the  Three  Little  Pigs.  There  are  she- 
wolves  who  are  dynamite  and  Lone  Wolves  of  both  sexes  who  can  cause 
plenty  of  trouble  when  allowed  to  roam  too  fast  or  too  far.  Everyone 
can  develop  protective  devices  and  methods  of  rechanneling  the  on- 
slaughts of  such  exploitive  folk.  The  dangers  are  not  great  for  the  young 
person  who  has  had  some  previous  understanding  of"  the  existence  of 
such  exploitation  across  the  sex  line,  and  who  has  been  able  to  arrive 
at  a  decision  as  to  the  values  worth  holding.  The  greatest  danger  in 
dealing  with  a  fast  worker  is  that  young  people  aren't  sure  themselves 
just  how  far  they  are  willing  to  go.  A  song  of  a  generation  ago  phrased 
it  clearly  if  not  too  prettily  when  it  moaned,  "Her  lips  tell  me  'No,  No/ 
but  there's  Tes,  Yes'  in  her  eyes."  This  inner  indecision  is  what  causes 
the  trouble;  a  preconceived  set  of  values  will  carry  one  over  many  emer- 
gencies. The  temptations  of  the  moment  are  effectively  met  only  when 
they  are  not  desirable  in  terms  of  what  they  will  cost.  Today  this  holds 
for  both  sexes.  There  was  a  time,  not  too  long  ago,  when  it  was  the  girl 
who  was  expected  to  uphold  the  standards  for  both  of  them.  Now, 
when  many  girls  are  so  open  and  active  in  their  dating  relationships,  boys 
too  have  to  learn  the  skills  of  holding  to  the  line  in  the  face  of  vigorous 
campaigns. 

Boys  are  often  baffled  by  the  lack  of  understanding  shown  by  girls. 
As  they  put  it,  "Why  do  really  nice  girls  lead  you  on  so  far  and  then 
aren't  willing  to  do  anything  about  it?"  Woman's  sexual  response  is  so 
general  and  diffused  that  frequently  she  does  not  even  know  that  she  is 
being  aroused,  and  even  more  frequently  is  quite  unaware  that  her  be- 
havior is  arousing  the  boy  beyond  the  boundaries  which  she  herself 
would  wish  to  maintain.  It  therefore  falls  to  the  boy,  who  is  more 
quickly  and  recognizably  awakened,  to  share  the  responsibility  for  con- 
trol. Needless  to  say,  there  are  elements  of  mutuality  here  that  the  cou- 
ple who  care  for  the  long-time  relationship  will  perfect  with  practice. 

11  See  especially,  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  As 
sociation  Press,  1950),  chaps.  6,  11,  12. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  63 

Going  Steady 

Couples  go  steady  for  a  number  of  reasons.  In  many  sets,  it's  the  only 
way  to  get  around.  You  must  have  a  steady  in  order  to  rate  invitations 
to  the  activities  of  the  young  crowd.  Then  there  is  a  certain  "social  se- 
curity" in  knowing  that  you  can  count  on  someone  when  things  come 
along  for  which  you  need  a  partner.  Many  girls  find  that  going  steady 
insures  them  getting  to  the  season's  games  and  dances  with  far  more 
reliability  than  comes  with  "playing  the  field."  A  sense  of  personal  se- 
curity in  having  someone  to  belong  to  means  a  great  deal  to  some  peo- 
ple. Others  find  that  getting  and  holding  a  steady  is  a  way  of  showing 
himself  and  others  that  he  can  do  it:  it  tends  to  be  a  symbol  of  achieve- 
ment. Going  steady  is  a  good  way  to  get  to  know  each  other.  Moods 
and  manners  change  as  contacts  multiply.  Each  member  of  the  couple 
can  see  how  the  personality  of  the  other  reacts  to  the  ups  and  downs  of 
daily  living  far  better  when  going  steady  than  in  more  fleeting  contacts. 
The  reason  for  going  steady  most  frequently  assumed  is  that  the  couple 
love  each  other  and  would  rather  go  together  than  with  any  other  pos- 
sibility. But  behind  the  story  of  many  steadies  lies  an  element  of  acci- 
dent that  the  couple  itself  often  senses  clearly.  Ray  took  Betty  to  a 
couple  of  movies  and  then  to  the  school  prom.  By  that  time  friends  of 
both  had  them  paired  off  in  their  thinking.  Sally  gave  a  party  and  ex- 
pected Ray  to  bring  Betty.  Soon  the  habit  of  going  together  was  so 
well  fixed  and  expected  that  they  were  going  steady  without  the  benefit 
of  any  particular  choice  or  decision  in  the  matter.  All  too  often  the 
members  of  such  accidental  relationships  go  all  the  way  to  the  threshold 
of  marriage  with  a  minimum  of  interests  in  common.  Going  steady  be- 
comes a  habit  which  is  difficult  to  break. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  In  the  discussion  immediately  above  on  "Going  Steady/7  underline 

as  many  phrases  as  seem  to  describe  why  people  go  steady.     How 
many  do  you  have?     (There  are  8  in  all;  see  KEY  for  listing.) 

*  KEY    Answers  in  order  of  their  appearance  in  the  text. 


JO  }U31H3[3    8         J3q}0  qDE3  3AO[ 
9         }U3UI3A3iqOB    JO    pquiXg    c; 

A}iino3S  [Epos  e      SUOI}E}IAUI  3}Ei  oj,  z      punoiB  }3§  o}  XBA\  X[uo 


64  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

While  there  are  valid  and  quite  reasonable  advantages  in  going 
steady,  there  are  also  factors  worth  looking  into  which  indicate  that  it 
may  be  unwise  to  go  steady  too  soon. 

First,  starting  to  go  steady  too  soon  lessens  opportunities  for  explor- 
ing the  field.  After  all,  we  spend  much  of  our  lifetime  going  steady 
with  our  one  and  only.  The  chance  for  knowing  enough  members  of 
the  other  sex  well  enough  to  make  a  real  choice  of  a  life  partner  comes 
during  the  dating  period.  Shortening  the  period  of  exploring  possibili- 
ties by  settling  prematurely  on  any  one  person  may  create  a  feeling  of 
having  missed  something  important. 

Second,  confining  our  entire  interests  to  a  single  person  during  the 
time  of  social  and  emotional  maturation  limits  the  scope  of  our  re- 
sponses and  self-understanding.  We  all  respond  differently  to  different 
people.  By  interacting  with  a  wide  variety  of  people,  especially  of  the 
other  sex,  we  discover  facets  of  our  own  personality  that  otherwise  might 
lie  dormant  only  to  be  awakened  after  marriage,  in  some  cases  with  dis- 
tressing confusion.  Specifically,  a  fellow  should  have  had  the  emotional 
experience  of  being  with  a  girl  who  made  him  feel  tenderly  protective, 
with  another  who  gave  him  a  pleasurable  feeling  of  being  mothered, 
with  another  whose  hand  he  could  clasp  with  a  feeling  of  hearty  com- 
radeship, with  another  whose  feminine  appeal  sent  his  blood  to  his  face 
and  his  heart  to  his  throat,  with  another  who  made  him  as  comfortable 
and  easy  as  a  sister,  and  perhaps  with  still  another  who  brought  forth  a 
pleasant  combination  of  all  these  feelings  in  a  satisfying  mixture. 

Third,  one  of  the  most  uncomfortable  problems  to  be  worked  out 
by  steadies  who  start  too  soon  and  go  on  too  long  is  that  which  arises 
when  one  takes  the  other  seriously  while  the  other  is  tired  of  the  rela- 
tionship. Breaking  off  may  prove  to  be  so  difficult  that  the  couple  will 
remain  together  only  because  of  the  dread  one  has  of  hurting  the  other. 


How  to  Break  Off  with  a  Steady 

Our  romantic  compulsion  to  hold  together  has  shut  off  frank  discus- 
sion of  how  a  relationship  that  is  unpromising  may  be  broken  comfort- 
ably and  with  a  minimum  of  pain.  There  are  three  practices  in  general 
use  today:  i.  The  love-'em-and-leave-em  variety  is  characteristic  of  one 
method  which  is  quick,  easy,  and  effective.  A  relationship  which  was 
there  yesterday  just  isn't  today,  because  one  of  the  couple  just  doesn't 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  65 

respond  any  more.  He  doesn't  call  her  or  drop  around.  She  isn't  in 
when  he  calls,  if  she  is  the  one  who  is  through.  The  difficulties  of  this 
method  are  that,  although  it  is  effective,  hurts  are  inflicted  both  to  the 
feelings  of  the  one  who  has  been  so  summarily  jilted  and  to  the  con- 
science of  the  one  who  did  the  running  away.  2.  Agonizing  discussions 
about  how  washed  up  we  are;  "if  only  you  would  do  so-and-so  we  could 
go  on  still";  tormenting  memories  about  how  happy  we  once  were;  the 
break  drags  on  uncomfortably,  with  hopes  rising  and  falling  sometimes 
for  months.  Grandpa  had  a  point  when  he  mused,  "If  you  have  to  cut 
off  the  puppy's  tail  do  it  in  one  blow."  Yet  a  certain  amount  of  prep- 
aration and  some  explanation  are  usually  helpful.  3.  The  easing-off  type 
of  break  includes  some  understanding  on  the  part  of  both  members  of 
the  couple  of  what  is  happening,  and  an  acceptance  of  the  situation  be- 
fore the  bond  is  completely  severed.  Some  day  people  will  be  much 
wiser  about  these  things.  In  the  meantime  we  all  can  be  more  aware 
of  both  the  need  to  sever  certain  relationships  and  the  necessity  of 
building  the  skills  that  will  be  most  kind  and  effective. 


Dating  as  Preparation  for  Marriage 

Dating  has  a  value  as  preparation  for  courtship,  engagement,  and  mar- 
riage in  addition  to  its  value  as  recreation  and  play.  The  patterns  and 
habits  that  are  built  up  during  the  dating  days  are  to  some  extent  those 
which  carry  over  into  the  courtship  and  engagement.  A  man  bosses  his 
wife  very  much  as  he  did  his  fiancee  in  dating  days,  that  is,  if  she  ac- 
ceded to  that  arrangement.  Dating  should  be  educational,  but  it  may 
turn  out  to  be  miseducation. 

Who  makes  the  decisions  on  a  date?  Is  it  the  boy  who  always  de- 
cides where  they  will  go,  what  they  will  do,  how  much  they  will  eat? 
Or  is  it  the  girl  who  holds  this  balance  of  power  in  her  skillful  little 
fist?  Can  a  date  be  democratic,  each  one  contributing  to  and  receiving 
from  the  relationship  those  things  which  he  can  and  should?  Does 
joint  planning  of  activities  spoil  the  fun?  Can  surprises  be  mutual? 
Does  taking  turns  in  running  things  help  any  in  dating?  Or  does  one 
person  need  to  show  who  is  boss  and  play  that  role  down  to  the  bitter 
end?  These  are  basic  problems  too  involved  to  be  solved  here,  except 
to  point  out  that  role-taking  begins  in  the  dating  period  and  sets  the 
stage  for  later  marriage  and  home  management. 


66  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Money  matters  especially  are  often  a  problem.  Why  is  it  that  boys 
always  expect  to  pay  a  girl's  way  when  they  go  out  together?  Even 
though  a  girl  may  be  earning  as  much  as  or  perhaps  even  more  than  the 
boy,  why  does  he  feel  that  he  should  "take"  her?  To  realize  how  en- 
trenched this  custom  is,  just  listen  sometime  to  a  group  of  young  peo- 
ple discuss  the  pros  and  cons  of  sharing  expenses  on  a  date.  The  con- 
sensus almost  always  is  that  it  just  won't  work  .  .  .  "the  girl  will  feel 
funny,"  "the  boy's  ego  can't  take  it,"  "the  girl  can  make  it  up  some 
other  way,"  are  the  typical  comments.  Girls  have  been  so  conscious  of 
having  to  wait  until  boys  ask  them  for  a  date  for  which  they  will  foot 
the  bills,  that  recently  girls  have  developed  considerable  skill  in  perfect- 
ing devices  for  asking  men  to  functions  where  the  girls  carry  the  finan- 
cial and  social  burden.  Girls  band  together  and  put  on  a  party  to  which 
they  invite  their  own  partners  or  a  "bunch  of  boys,"  who  are  given  all 
the  courtesies  of  guests  with  none  of  the  usual  financial  burdens  as- 
sumed by  men  in  mixed  company.  Inviting  the  boys  out  to  the  house 
for  an  evening,  to  come  to  supper,  to  share  theater  tickets  that  grandma 
just  happened  to  have,  to  use  "a  pass  to  the  ballgame  dad  gave  me"  are 
typical  of  the  kinds  of  ruses  now  in  common  usage.  The  problem 
doesn't  end  there.  It  will  pop  up  again  early  in  marriage  and  become 
one  of  the  areas  for  adjustment  in  establishing  the  new  home.  The 
whole  problem  of  working  wives  is  often  not  so  much  a  matter  of  the 
wife's  being  out  of  the  home  for  part  of  the  day  as  it  is  a  question  of 
whose  money  it  is  that  she  earns.  Do  her  earnings  go  into  the  family 
budget  as  do  her  husband's,  or  are  they  to  be  labeled  as  hers  alone? 

We  conclude  that  dating  in  America  is  not  a  thing  apart  from  the 
rest  of  life.  It  grows  out  of  childhood  friendships,  out  of  customs,  and 
merges  into  the  involvements  of  courtship  and  engagement  in  a  process 
which  we  will  describe  in  later  chapters. 


Dating  May  Be  Preparation  but  It  Is  Also  Fun 

The  account  of  dating  which  you  have  just  read  emphasizes  the  values 
v/hich  come  with  learning  the  skills  of  boy  and  girl  relations.  You 
aren't  born  popular;  you  have  to  learn  how  to  do  the  friendly  things 
which  will  endear  you  to  people.  The  speed  with  which  you  grow  in 
competence  depends  on  the  encouragement  given  by  your  family,  your 
eagerness  to  learn,  and  your  rate  of  emotional  maturation. 


DATING:    PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT  67 

Just  as  there  are  all  kinds  of  people,  so  there  are  many  kinds  of  dates 
—  informal  old-friend  dates,  blind  dates,  formal  dates,  and  so  on.  Each 
takes  imagination  and  ingenuity  to  carry  off  right;  each  is  a  challenge  to 
the  growing  person.  Those  who  have  read  this  chapter  will  see  how 
many  things  there  are  to  do  on  a  date  besides  the  same  old  stuff. 

Dating  has  been  explained  as  education  in  the  discovery  of  emotions 
and  their  control.  Sexual  urges,  unruly  tempers,  and  needs  for  affection 
come  to  the  fore  out  of  the  new  experiences  of  dating  relations.  Par- 
ticipants come  to  find  that  gestures  of  affection  enrich  their  relations  if 
tied  in  with  the  discovery  of  common  interests  and  goals.  Out  of  dat- 
ing, then,  should  come  not  only  the  ability  to  love  and  be  loved,  but 
also  the  alternatives  to  petting. 

Finally,  dating  proves  to  have  value  in  training  young  people  in  the 
art  of  democratic  give  and  take.  Girls  are  allowed  more  initiative  in 
dating  than  they  were  in  old-fashioned  courting  days  and  often  stage 
events  in  which  they  assume  the  costs  of  the  party.  This  equalitarian 
relationship  carries  over  into  later  courtship,  engagement,  and  marriage 
relations  and  makes  for  a  more  democratic  marriage  and  family  life. 

Selected  Readings 

DUVALL,  EVELYN  MiLLis,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association 

Press,  1950),  chaps.  5-8. 

,  Family  Living  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1950),  chaps.  8—11. 

KIRKENDALL,  LESTER,  AND  OSBORNE,  RUTH,  Dating  Days  (Chicago:  Science 

Research  Associates,  1949),  Pamphlet. 
LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY  G.,  Personal  Adjustment,  Marriage  and 

Family  Living  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1950),  chaps.  4,  5,  7. 
MERRILL,  FRANCIS,  Courtship  and  Marriage   (New  York:   Sloane,   1949), 

Chap.  4. 

MOORE,  BERNICE  MILBURN,  AND  LEAHY,  DOROTHY  M.,  You  and  Your  Family 

(Boston:  Heath,  1948),  Chap.  10. 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  Chap.  16 
and  Appendix,  "Dating,  Rating,  and  College  Fraternities." 

Technical  References 

CHRISTENSEN,  HAROLD,  "Dating  Behavior  as  Evaluated  by  High  School  Stu- 
dents," American  Journal  of  Sociology  (May,  1952),  LVII,  No.  6,  pp. 
580-586. 

CONNOR,  RUTH,  AND  HALL,  EDITH,  "The  Dating  Behavior  of  College  Fresh- 
men and  Sophomores,"  Journal  of  Home  Economics  (April,  1952),  Vol. 
44,  No.  4,  pp.  278-281. 


68  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

KIRKPATRICK,  CLIFFORD,  AND  CAPLOW,  THEODORE,  "Courtship  in  3  GlOUp  of 

Minnesota  Students/'  American  Journal  of  Sociology  (September,  1945), 
pp.  114-125. 

KOLLER,  MARVIN,  "Some  Changes  in  Courtship  Behavior  in  Three  Genera- 
tions of  Ohio  Women,"  American  Sociological  Review  (June,  1951), 
pp.  366-370. 

LANDIS,  PAUL,  "Personality  Differences  of  Girls  from  Farm,  Town,  and 
City,"  Rural  Sociology  (March,  1949),  pp.  10-20. 

LOWRIE,  SAMUEL,  ''Dating  Theories  and  Student  Responses,"  American  So- 
ciological Review  (June,  1951),  pp.  334-340. 

REMMERS,  H.  H.,  AND  HACKETT,  c.  G.,  Let's  Listen  to  Youth  (Chicago:  Sci- 
ence Research  Associates,  1950),  49  pages. 

ROCKWOOD,  LEMO,  AND  FORD,  MARY,  Yout/i,  Marriage,  and  Parenthood  (New 
York:  Wiley,  1945). 

STONE,  CAROL,  "Sorority  Status  and  Personality  Adjustment,"  American  So- 
ciological Review  (August,  1951),  pp.  538—541. 

WOLFORD,  OPAL  POWELL,  "How  Early  Background  Affects  Dating  Behavior," 
Journal  of  Home  Economics  (1948),  No.  40,  pp.  505-506. 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


In  Deeper  than  Ever 


BECOMING  INVOLVED:  THE  COURTSHIP  PROCESS 

How  do  you  get  in  so  deep? 

Are  lovers'  quarrels  normal? 

Do  friends  push  the  couple  even  closer  together? 

Should  girls  be  given  more  freedom  in  getting  their  man? 

What  about  dating  bureaus? 


^/-HE 


COURTSHIP  PROCESS  TODAY  REFLECTS  THE  INCREASING  MUTUAL- 

ity  of  the  man-woman  status.  At  one  time  courtship  referred  to  a  proc- 
ess of  persuading,  or  courting,  during  which  the  swain-in-love  won  the 
affections  of  his  fair  lady  who  was  ostensibly  not  in  love.  Courtship 
today  has  been  preceded  by  casual  dating  in  which  little  or  no  commit- 
ment is  expected,  and  consists  less  of  a  persuading  period  than  a  process 
of  mutual  involvement  leading  to  a  formal  commitment  in  engagement. 

Dating,  courtship,  and  engagement  are  general  terms  used  popularly 
to  denote  varying  degrees  of  commitment  in  the  sifting  and  sorting  of 
the  sexes  into  marrying  couples.  There  is  some  appearance  of  orderli- 
ness in  the  stages  from  lesser  to  greater  degrees  of  involvement. 

Individuals  may  shift  within  these  stages  of  involvement  experienc- 
ing some  of  the  stages  and  not  others.  Some  are  arrested  at  an  inter- 
mediate stage  and  find  it  difficult  to  progress  beyond  that  point.  The 
wary  bachelor  and  the  uncoquettish  spinster  are  examples. 

Persons  high  on  the  popularity  scale  may  keep  several  affairs  going 
concurrently.  Generally  as  the  stage  of  involvement  progresses  the 
number  of  relationships  maintained  decreases  sharply.  Courtship,  as 
we  use  the  term  in  this  chapter,  begins  with  the  stages  of  involvement 


72  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

in  which  the  field  has  narrowed  down,  and  one  relationship  has  taken 
precedence  over  all  others. 

In  the  pages  which  follow,  the  social  psychology  of  courtship  involve- 
ment unfolds.  Dating  activities  and  skills  constituted  the  focus  of  the 
last  chapter.  In  this  discussion  we  shift  to  the  relationships  and  bonds 
of  sentiment  which  grow  up  between  dating  individuals. 

Several  forces  are  at  work  to  forge  the  bonds  of  sentiment  which 
change  the  pair  from  a  casual  twosome  to  an  engaged  couple.  Powerful 


STAGES  OF  INVOLVEMENT 


"Going  steady 
with  private 
understanding: 
informal  engagement 


Not  dating    '":W?&&&Cdsuol  dating  only 


physical  attractions  are  at  work  in  heterosexual  dating.  Pride  in  having 
and  holding  are  anticipatory  of  mutual  ego-involvement.  Finally,  shared 
activities,  whether  recreation  oriented  or  work  oriented,  create  bonds  of 
sentiment  which  are  strangely  strong.  As  these  three  processes  support 
one  another  in  the  interactions  of  steady  dating,  courtship,  a  process  of 
mutual  involvement,  ensues. 


The  Involvement  Process  1 

The  involvement  process  begins  in  dating,  at  which  time  there  may  be 
little  serious  intent,  and  ends  in  a  climax  of  powerful  emotional  re- 
sponses which  are  most  evident  in  the  engagement  and  honeymoon 

1  We  present  the  following  discussion  with  acknowledgments  to  Willard  Waller, 
who  first  developed  the  approach  we  are  taking  in  his  book,  revised  by  Reuben  Hill, 
The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpretation  (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  pp.  176— 
190,  and  urge  you  to  regard  it  as  typical  only  of  the  middle  class  courtships  in  Amer- 
ica. No  single  courtship  conforms  in  all  details  to  the  picture  we  shall  present,  but 
thousands  approximate  it  in  one  or  more  ways. 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  73 

periods.  Human  beings  act  upon  one  another  emotionally  when  they  are 
thrown  into  intimate  relations.  As  emotions  build  up  in  one  they  are 
communicated  contagiously  to  the  other.  Unless  there  is  opportunity 
for  release,  the  climax  which  is  attained  may  reach  great  proportions. 
Here  is  the  way  it  looks  in  the  anger  response:  A  mother  may  start  the 
morning  gay  and  relaxed,  with  a  song  on  her  lips,  and  may  hardly  no- 
tice the  noise  and  bickering  of  the  children.  All  too  typically,  frustra- 
tions pile  up  as  the  day  gets  under  way.  She  finds  the  toaster  doesn't 
work,  the  coffee  cream  is  sour,  her  husband  gets  up  late,  is  touchy  and 
critical,  and  dashes  off  without  kissing  her  good-by.  The  hot  water 
faucet  was  left  on  all  night  and  so  there  isn't  any  hot  water  for  her 
dishes.  She  bears  all  this  with  patience  and  forbearance,  but  at  9:30,  a 
half  hour  late  already,  the  cleaning  woman  calls  to  say  she's  sorry  but 
she  guesses  she  won't  be  able  to  come  today  because  Mrs.  B.  needs  her 
to  clean  up  after  a  party.  The  mother's  forbearance  cracks  wide  open, 
and  a  disproportionately  heated  anger  response  is  unleashed.  The  clean- 
ing woman  doesn't  understand  it  and  is  hurt.  "She  was  such  a  nice  lady 
all  the  other  days,  I  wonder  what's  eating  her?" 

Courtship  is  a  summatory  process  which  builds  up  in  much  the  same 
fashion,  with  many  little  experiences,  some  pleasant  and  some  irritating, 
each  affecting  the  other,  and  leaving  the  parties  more  involved  than  be- 
fore. Each  person  becomes  increasingly  committed  in  his  own  eyes  and 
in  the  eyes  of  the  other.  Once  reaching  a  certain  level  of  intensity,  the 
process  gets  a  movement  of  its  own.  It  creates  its  own  demands  and 
needs,  and  each  member  finds  himself  more  and  more  in  need  of  the 
other  to  satisfy  the  new  appetites  which  have  been  developed.  The 
process  tends  to  be  irreversible  after  a  certain  momentum  is  reached, 
and  the  couple  find  they  can't  stop  with  being  just  good  friends.2  Some 
insightful  couples  have  described  the  experience  as  not  unlike  an  emo- 
tional build-up  which  occurs  in  a  religious  revival.  The  religious  feel- 
ings mount  as  persons  interact  emotionally.  The  emotions  of  the  more 
excitable  in  the  congregation  build  up  the  slower,  and,  eventually,  all 
experience  conversion  and  the  calm  which  comes  with  being  sure  they 
are  right. 

What  are  the  specific  components  of  the  involvement  process  in  this 
movement  from  casual  dating  to  the  emotional  climax  of  engagement? 
When  the  brake  is  taken  off  a  car  on  a  hill,  the  car  may  start  slowly 

2  Ibid.,  p.  181. 


74  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

enough  at  first,  but  there  are  the  possibilities  of  excitement  even  at  the 
beginning.  The  components  of  the  courtship  process  are  present  in 
the  dating  period,  but  are  kept  in  leash  by  powerful  inhibitions  until  the 
man,  at  least,  is  economically  and  psychologically  ready  to  take  the  con- 
sequences of  emotional  involvement. 

Coquefry.  The  involvement  process  begins  with  coquetry,  behavior 
which  invites  to  amorous  adventure.  It  is  seen  in  the  toning  up  of  the 
organism  which  occurs  when  boy  and  girl  meet.  The  smile  of  the  boy 
when  he  sees  a  pretty  girl  is  automatic,  and  he  takes  her  in  with  a  glance 
which  leaves  nothing  out.  Her  blush  is  evidence  that  she  knows  he  sees 
her,  and  her  own  coquetry  is  expressed  in  her  sparkling  eyes  and  flashing 
smile.  Both  sense  the  coltish  impulse  to  kick  about  with  their  feet, 
which  they  suppress  in  favor  of  tossing  the  head,  laughing,  and  giggling. 

Coquetry  is  found  in  all  cultures  and  has  been  described  beautifully 
in  the  literature  of  many  peoples.  Its  tricks  are  legion.  Small  hints  of 
interest  are  given,  and  hints  of  erotic  possibilities  with  alternate  advance 
and  recession;  great  interest  is  followed  by  mock  modesty,  by  teasing. 
Teasing  is  one  of  the  main  techniques  of  coquetry  by  which  tension  is 
stimulated  in  the  other  person  to  a  higher  level;  the  impulse  is  to  chase 
and  be  chased,  but  never  quite  to  catch  or  be  caught. 

The  Line.  In  America  a  familiar  accompaniment  and  expression  of 
coquetry  is  "the  line."  The  line  is  an  exaggeration  of  our  feelings,  as  if 
the  feelings  we  exhibit  in  coquetry  were  not  enough.  It  is  used  by  both 
sexes  and  is  called  variously  "handing  her  a  line,"  or  "laying  it  on"; 
among  the  Irish  it  is  called  "blarney."  When  you  first  meet  a  girl  you 
profess  to  be  greatly  impressed  by  her  charms,  and  you  hand  her  a  line. 
You  don't  expect  to  be  taken  too  seriously  or  you  will  take  flight.  But 
you  want  to  be  taken  somewhat  seriously,  and  so  does  she.  Neither 
knows  how  much  is  line  and  how  much  is  sincerity. 

The  line  was  especially  well  developed  by  the  lovemaking  knights  of 
Arthur's  mythical  court.  Much  of  our  line  is  outright  copying  of  these 
lovers  of  old,  and  it  is  best  done  in  parts  of  the  South  where,  relatively 
speaking,  women  still  occupy  a  somewhat  exalted  position.  The  typical 
gallant  young  Southerner  at  the  slightest  provocation  can  string  a  line  of 
sugared  words  and  compliments  which  will  delight  any  female  listener. 

The  line  covers  up  real  emotional  involvements  by  exaggeration. 
Under  the  soft  words  may  be  conflict,  because  each  has  the  uneasy  feel- 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  75 

ing  that  he  is  being  tricked.  Each  avoids  being  caught  by  the  loaded 
words  of  the  other  —  each  wishes,  however,  to  dominate  the  fantasy  of 
the  other  and  to  set  him  to  dreaming.8 

Each  tends  to  become  involved  in  his  own  line,  which  he  comes  to 
believe  in  part,  but  each  worries  because  the  other  doesn't  reveal  the  ex- 
tent to  which  he  is  sincere.  A  sense  of  insecurity  arises  from  not  know- 
ing just  where  they  stand,  and  the  lovers  quarrel. 

Lovers'  Quarrels.  The  line  finally  becomes  so  burdensome  that  it  has 
to  be  broken  through,  and  the  crisis  comes  in  a  good  quarrel  followed 
by  crying  and  releasing  of  tension.  Each  reveals  in  the  process  how 
much  he  truly  cares  for  the  other,  and  the  pair  come  to  take  themselves 
more  seriously.  The  quarrel  tends  to  redefine  the  situation  upward.4 
The  pair  make  up  with  a  glorious  sense  of  satisfaction  and  are  more  in- 
volved than  before. 

Common  Interests.  Quarrels  leave  the  pair  still  using  the  line,  but 
with  more  security  and  with  a  tenderness  developing  that  wasn't  there 
before.  Each  is  surer  of  the  other  and  both  reach  out  to  claim  things 
which  tie  them  together.  Common  interests  further  love  involvements 
by  giving  the  pair  a  common  universe  of  discourse.  The  lovers  can  ex- 
clude the  rest  of  the  world,  and  they  feel  a  sense  of  superiority  as  they 
talk  on  and  on  about  things  they  understand  better  than  anyone  else  in 
the  world. 

Increasing  Intimacy.  Coquetry  enhanced  by  the  mutual  interchange 
of  lines  and  the  build-up  of  common  interests  brings  the  pair  increas- 
ingly together.  The  line  alone  encourages  physical  intimacy,  and  love 
gestures  confirm  the  sincerity  of  the  verbal  "I  love  you."  The  other  per- 
son becomes  a  bona  fide  love  object  to  be  reckoned  with  —  not  just  an- 
other date,  but  a  person  with  feelings.  Feelings  of  tenderness  develop, 
and  the  lover  finds  himself  more  sincere  than  before,  and  impressed  with 
his  moral  obligation  to  the  other  who  believes  in  him  so  implicitly. 

Idealization.  Another  component  of  love  involvement,  which  owes 
some  of  its  development  to  the  line,  is  idealization.  In  the  line  all  the 
desirable  characteristics  of  the  other  are  stressed  to  the  exclusion  of  the 
annoying  or  disturbing  characteristics,  and  it  is  not  uncommon  for  young 

s  Ibid.,  p.  185. 

4  Courtship  quarrels  are  in  contrast  with  divorce-directed  quarrels  which  tend  to 
define  the  situation  downward.  See  our  discussion  of  quarrels  of  alienation,  pp. 
284-291. 


76  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

people  to  become  so  enamored  of  the  love  object  that  they  come  to  be- 
lieve their  own  line.  The  lover  forgets  his  sweetheart's  crooked  teeth, 
her  so-so  complexion,  and  her  stringy  hair,  and  remembers  only  her 
lovely  eyes  and  regal  carriage.  The  greatest  compliment  a  lover  can  be 
paid  is  to  be  told,  " You're  different."  Waller  tells  the  story  of  a  young 
man  who  was  very  conscious  of  a  wart  on  his  chin  and  went  to  the  ex- 
pense of  an  operation  to  remove  it.  After  it  had  healed,  he  presented 
himself  to  his  fiancee.  "Notice  anything  different  about  my  face?"  The 
moment  was  embarrassing;  she  had  never  noticed  the  wart  in  the  first 
place. 

Idealization  results  in  each  replacing  the  other  with  an  imaginary 
person  to  whom  he  reacts.  Separation  for  brief  periods  tends  to  accen- 
tuate this  process.  Absence  makes  the  heart  grow  fonder,  because  the 
real  person's  presence  gives  way  to  the  imaginary  one.  Each  feels  trou- 
bled that  his  own  weaknesses  are  not  seen,  but  doesn't  try  too  hard  to 
expose  them.5 

Couple  Unity.  In  the  midst  of  this  process  couple  unity  develops. 
Favored  by  the  development  of  common  interests  which  act  to  exclude 
the  public  and  to  give  the  pair  a  feeling  of  superiority,  the  couple  reach 
out  and  seize  upon  evidences  that  they  were  meant  for  each  other.  One 
couple  in  the  course  of  their  daily  walk  simultaneously  focused  their  at- 
tention upon  a  certain  mountain  peak  glittering  in  the  sun  and  called  it 
"their  mountain."  They  took  every  opportunity  thereafter  to  admire 
this  symbol  of  their  unity.  Years  later  they  returned  to  the  exact  spot 
to  get  another  view  of  the  mountain  which  had  come  to  mean  so  much 
to  them  during  their  courtship  period. 

Early  in  the  development  of  unity,  rings  or  other  articles  will  be  ex- 
changed to  crystallize  and  render  tangible  that  elusive  "we  feeling" 
which  they  sense  but  can't  describe.  As  each  leaves  the  other,  he  car- 
ries away  a  reminder  of  their  growing  unity.  It  is  as  if  the  exchanged 
articles  could  somehow  summon  the  presence  of  the  loved  one,  and  the 
separation  is  thereby  made  more  bearable. 

Another  development  in  this  process  is  the  growth  of  a  special  lan- 

5  Unfortunately  for  later  adjustments,  the  greater  the  idealization,  the  greater  is 
the  disillusionment  which  must  follow  in  the  marriage  period.  But  couples  should 
remember  it  was  their  imagination  which  cheated  them,  not  marriage!  For  a  descrip- 
tion of  idealization  among  couples  separated  by  war,  see  W.  Edgar  Gregory,  "The 
Idealization  of  the  Absent,"  American  Journal  of  Sociology,  Vol.  50,  No.  i  (July, 
1944),  pp.  53-54- 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  77 

guage  between  the  two,  which  they  alone  can  understand.  They  de- 
velop their  own  idioms,  pet  names,  and  inflections  which  tend  to  alien- 
ate any  third  person  and  make  him  realize  that  two  is  company  but 
three  is  a  crowd.  Left  more  and  more  together,  the  pair  build  up  a 
shorthand  language  of  symbols  which  obviates  the  necessity  of  complet- 
ing sentences.  Conversation  is  speeded  up  tremendously.  Their  lan- 
guage may  look  and  sound  to  the  outsider  like  a  combination  of  nudges, 
knowing  winks,  and  half-finished  sentences,  with  poorly  repressed  mirth 
at  things  the  outsider  doesn't  think  funny  at  all.  The  jokes  are  hardest 
of  all  for  the  intruder  to  understand.  They  can  be  fully  appreciated 
and  understood  only  by  the  couple  themselves.  The  jokes  grow  funnier 
the  more  frequently  they  are  repeated,  because  they  develop  unseen 
nuances  and  are  attached  to  other  associations  of  a  pleasant  nature  in 
the  relationship.  In  summary,  the  process  of  developing  pair  unity  is 
one  of  building  a  separate  history  and  culture  which  the  pair  alone  can 
understand.  The  relationship  is  stabilized  in  direct  proportion  to  its 
success  in  throwing  the  pair  on  its  own  resources  and  in  excluding, 
thereby,  rivals  and  other  members  of  the  public. 

Friends  Encourage  a  Public  Announcement.  All  of  these  activities  of 
the  couple  have  not  escaped  the  eyes  of  friends,  who  play  a  very  impor- 
tant role  in  furthering  love  involvements.  Whenever  a  young  man  and 
young  woman  appear  together,  even  in  the  casual  dating  stage,  they  risk 
being  identified  as  a  likely  marriage  pair  by  well-wishers.  Friendly  gos- 
sip —  "We  hear  that  Bob  and  Mary  are  getting  serious"  —  gets  back  to 
the  ears  of  the  participants.  Gossip  columns  of  community  and  campus 
newspapers  are  widely  read  and  further  the  public's  identification  of  the 
pair.  There  is  something  about  being  identified  by  the  public  which 
changes  the  relationship.  The  sense  of  moral  obligation  on  the  part  of 
the  man,  particularly,  is  a  function  partly  of  what  the  public  thinks  of 
his  affair.  Yesterday  he  might  have  been  asked  by  a  relative  of  the  girl 
what  his  intentions  were;  today  his  conscience  asks  him  the  same  ques- 
tion and  is  quite  as  effective  in  furthering  his  feeling  of  obligation  to 
clarify  things.  The  talk  of  people  acts  as  further  pressure  to  drop  the 
exaggerations  of  the  line  and  become  more  sincere  in  the  relationship. 
"People  are  saying  we  are  going  steady  but  you  haven't  said  a  word 
about  it.  Margaret  even  asked  me  if  we  were  engaged.  The  nerve.  .  .  ." 
They  quarrel,  and  in  making  up,  many  of  the  problems  concerning  their 


78  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

status  which  have  given  them  the  jitters  are  cleared  up.  The  discussion 
and  redefinition  of  the  situation  enables  them  to  explain  satisfactorily 
to  themselves  and  to  the  public  where  they  stand. 

The  public  plays  its  part  in  clarifying  the  situation  by  treating  the 
two  as  a  unit,  arranging  for  them  to  be  together,  inviting  them  to  social 
affairs  together.  When  a  friend  meets  one  member  of  the  couple,  he 
asks  about  the  other  member  and  expresses  inferentially  the  hope  that 
all  is  well  between  them.  The  pair  come  to  feel  that  the  public  ap- 
proves of  the  match  and  expects  something  to  come  of  it.  This  sanc- 
tioning in  itself  has  a  pushing  effect  and  changes  the  nature  of  the  rela- 
tionship subtly  but  effectively.  Much  of  the  exciting  novelty  of  the 
relation  is  lost,  but  in  its  place  comes  a  sense  of  responsibility  and  sta- 
bility. If  the  pair  are  emotionally  built  up  to  a  certain  point,  all  it  may 
take  is  a  suggestion  from  a  friend  that  they  act  as  if  they  were  engaged 
to  crystallize  the  situation.  It  seems  only  natural  and  right  to  make  a 
public  announcement  of  their  involvement,  and  a  formal  engagement 
takes  place. 

Variations  from  the  Typical.  As  we  have  already  warned,  no  single 
courtship  will  necessarily  embody  all  of  the  components  described,  and 
many  individual  courtships  will  vary  greatly  from  the  pattern  just  pre 
sented.  Young  people  who  have  come  through  courses  in  marriage  and 
the  family  rarely  take  the  line  as  seriously  as  described  here,  with  the 
result  that  they  build  up  fewer  illusions  about  each  other  and  indulge 
in  relatively  little  idealization.  Indeed,  the  courtship  remains  much 
more  on  the  companionship  level,  and  the  emotions  tend  to  be  enjoyed 
on  the  spot  rather  than  built  up  toward  an  explosive  release  at  the 
honeymoon  stage.  These  couples  carry  over  into  marriage  fewer  illu- 
sions about  one  another  but  nevertheless  develop  considerable  fondness 
for  each  other  as  persons.  They  rarely  build  up  ideas  of  the  other  as  the 
incarnation  of  perfection  so  characteristic  of  those  who  have  gone  in  for 
extreme  idealization. 

The  courtship  pattern  followed  by  young  people  in  isolated  rural 
areas  may  also  vary  greatly  from  that  of  the  middle  class  urban  couple 
described  in  the  foregoing  pages.  Rural  courtships  may  conform  more 
closely  to  those  of  the  last  generation  and  move  more  naturally  and 
easily  from  keeping  company  to  serious  courtship  to  engagement  and 
marriage.  Each  step  in  the  process  is  well  marked.  Moreover,  the 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  79 

couple  have  probably  known  one  another  for  so  long  that  there  is  little 
possibility  of  extreme  idealization.  The  line  is  not  likely  to  take  such 
exaggerated  form  and  would  not  be  taken  seriously  if  it  did. 

A  third  variation  is  seen  in  the  courtships  of  war  and  postwar  couples 
who  have  telescoped  the  dating  and  courtship  and  engagement  periods 
in  favor  of  immediate  marriage. 

These  three  variations  from  the  patterns  regarded  as  typical  of  the 
courtship  process  remind  us  of  the  range  which  exists  in  America.  A 
more  detailed  consideration  of  the  changes  in  courtship  patterns  which 
have  occurred  in  the  last  three  generations  may  give  us  the  perspective 
we  need  to  understand  courtship  today. 

Changes  in  Courtship  Patterns 

The  finding  of  a  mate,  and  the  details  of  arranging  the  betrothal,  was 
until  frontier  days  the  prerogative  of  parents,  and  still  is  in  many  coun- 
tries. Freedom  of  choice  in  this  country  dates  from  the  days  when  all 
the  eligible  men  and  all  the  eligible  women  were  known  by  the  entire 
community.  Young  ladies  knew  from  childhood  the  men  who  might 
come  "a-courtin'."  Rarely  would  a  stranger  be  permitted  to  compete 
for  the  hand  of  a  local  belle.  Freedom  of  choice  was  limited  to  the  lo- 
cal eligibles  and  was  therefore  safe  enough. 

In  the  more  settled  towns  of  the  Atlantic  seaboard  the  problem  was 
handled  with  prosaic  formality.  A  formal  introduction  was  followed  by 
careful  supervision  of  the  relationship.  A  good  girl  refused  to  talk  to 
any  man  who  had  not  been  first  vouched  for  by  a  friend,  and  even  then 
she  consulted  her  parents  for  their  approval.  This  system  operated  to 
limit  the  contacts  of  genteel  young  ladies  to  a  relatively  select  group  of 
eligible  young  men  and  discouraged  social  relations  between  ineligible 
women  and  men  of  good  birth.  Girls  in  those  days  had  fewer  oppor- 
tunities to  circulate,  but  the  conditions  under  which  they  met  men  were 
conducive  to  the  type  of  prolonged  acquaintance  necessary  to  judge 
men  as  potential  marriage  partners. 

Today,  there  is  less  likelihood  of  marrying  one's  first  love,  and  some- 
what greater  opportunity  for  exploring  the  field  to  find  what  one's  pref- 
erences are.6  Under  the  contemporary  system,  if  there  are  years  of 

6  A  study  which  reveals  clearly  differences  in  courtship  patterns  in  three  genera- 
tions is  Marvin  H.  Roller's  "Some  Changes  in  Courtship  Behavior  in  Three  Genera- 
tions of  Ohio  Women,"  American  Sociological  Review,  Vol.  16,  No.  3  (June,  1951), 


80  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

professional  training  ahead,  it  is  possible  through  dating  to  maintain 
contact  with  the  opposite  sex  until  marriage  proves  feasible. 

A  number  of  trends  in  courtship  customs  can  be  established  from  the 
contrasts  between  the  beginning  and  the  middle  of  the  2oth  century: 

TEN  RECENT  TRENDS  IN  COURTSHIP  CUSTOMS 

1  Dating  and  courtship  begin  at  earlier  age 

2  More  frequent  contact  between  the  sexes 

3  Dating  and  courtship  last  until  later  at  night 

4  More  privacy  for  dating  and  courting  pairs 

5  Less  supervision  and  chaperonage 

6  More  general  acceptance  of  "going  steady" 

7  Wider  range  of  patterns  of  intimacy  and  sex  play 

8  Many  more  discussable  topics  during  dating  and  courtship 

9  Higher  readiness  for  education  and  guidance  in  courtship 
10  Courtship  culminates  earlier  in  engagement  and  marriage 


Difficulties  in  the  Courtship  System 

Our  somewhat  unique  pattern  of  freedom  of  choice  has  survived  as  an 
integral  part  of  the  courtship  system  today,  but  the  community  and 
neighborhood  controls  which  helped  it  work  in  the  colonial  days  have 
largely  disappeared,  particularly  in  cities.  Blind  dates  are  followed  more 
often  than  not  by  regular  dates  without  the  slightest  reference  to  the 
possibilities  of  parental  approval  or  disapproval. 

Another  way  of  looking  at  courtship  is  as  a  device  to  sort  out  the 
compatible  from  the  incompatible  pairs  of  young  people  and  provide 
the  steps  for  leading  the  former  to  marriage  and  the  latter  back  into  cir- 
culation. If  we  had  a  courtship  system  which  meshed  well  with  the 
other  parts  of  our  changing  culture,  we  should  have  fewer  unhappy  mar- 
riages and  obviously  many  fewer  divorces.  The  divorce  rate  is  closely 
tied  up  with  the  number  of  poorly  mated  pairs  who  become  engaged  de- 
spite a  minimum  of  common  interests,  and  whose  experiences  in  the 
engagement  period  are  too  superficial  to  reveal  incompatibility.  What 

pp.  366-370.  Koller  studied  111  grandmothers  averaging  78  years  of  age,  118  moth- 
ers averaging  48  years,  and  140  married  daughters  averaging  23  years  of  age.  The 
daughters  reported  over  four  times  as  many  dates  per  week  as  their  grandmothers. 
They  circulated  more  widely  and  considered  more  men  seriously  as  spouses  before 
settling  on  the  man  they  finally  married.  The  earlier  generations  averaged  longer 
engagements  (11  months,  9  months,  and  6  months  respectively),  but  covered  less 
territory  in  their  premarital  discussions  and  agreements. 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  81 

has  happened  to  our  mate-finding  machinery  to  break  it  down  so  com- 
pletely? 

Freedom  of  Choice  Breaks  Down.  The  courtship  system  of  free  choice 
has  broken  down  as  America  has  become  urbanized.  The  conditions 
which  produced  the  system  of  free  choice  have  disappeared,  and  it  is 
incumbent  upon  social  engineers  to  devise  new  machinery  or  streamline 
the  old.  Sufficient  research  has  been  made  regarding  the  situation  to 
show  the  directions  social  planning  for  courtship  should  take.  One  au- 
thority lists  four  general  needs:  i.  the  need  for  more  initiative  in  court- 
ship by  girls;  2.  the  need  for  removing  restraints  upon  the  employment 
of  women,  such  as  the  ban  on  married  teachers,  so  that  they  would  not 
be  limited  in  their  selection  to  men  who  could  immediately  provide  full 
maintenance;  3.  the  need  to  increase  opportunities  for  circulation  of 
young  people  among  several  groups  for  a  more  varied  experience  and 
deeper  companionship  before  a  selection  is  made;  and  4.  the  need  for 
premarital  counseling  services  to  enable  individuals  to  utilize  the  re- 
sources at  their  disposal.7 

In  frontier  days  men  greatly  outnumbered  women,  and  the  passive 
role  of  women  did  not  seriously  handicap  them  in  obtaining  desirable 
husbands.  Today  the  sex  ratio  is  reversed  in  many  areas,  and  nowhere 
are  there  very  many  men  to  spare.8  To  meet  this  changed  situation,  the 
initiative  in  courtship  should  be  taken  more  equally  by  both  sexes.  We 
grant  the  right  of  a  woman  to  equal  education  and  to  equal  freedom  of 
choice  of  vocation  and  profession;  at  least  the  trend  is  in  that  direc- 
tion. It  is  inconsistent,  then,  to  continue  the  traditional  courtship 
practice  just  because  it  is  traditional.  The  newer  findings  of  mental  hy- 
giene specialists  indicate  that  the  passive  method  by  which  women  must 
lie  in  wait  makes  for  greater  frustration  and  more  neurotic  adjustments 
than  the  active  program  of  pursuit  permitted,  as  yet,  for  men  only.9 

7  See  Joseph  K.  Folsom's  discussion  of  this  problem  in  his  book,  The  Family 
and  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley,  1943),  pp.  531-543. 

8  For  a  more  detailed  discussion  of  the  sex  ratio  and  its  effects  on  the  prospects 
for  marriage,  see  pp.  155—156. 

9  In  our  discussion  of  the  democratic  date  earlier,  we  discussed  some  of  the  femi- 
nine devices  to  arrange  dates,  initiate  acquaintances,  and  assume  a  fair  share  of  the 
burden  of  costs.    Provocative  discussions  of  the  psychology  of  women  are  developed 
in:  Karl  Menninger,  Love  against  Hate  (New  York:  Harcourt,  Brace,  1942);  and 
Helene  Deutsch,  Psychology  of  Women  (New  York:  Grune  and  Stratton,  1944). 
Further  understanding  of  the  cultural  determination  of  femininity  should  be  sought 
beyond  these  strictly  psychiatric  analyses. 


82  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Recommended  Improvements 

The  proposal  to  increase  greatly  the  opportunities  for  circulation  of 
young  people  among  several  groups  for  a  more  varied  experience  and 
deeper  companionship  before  making  their  selection  strikes  at  the  heart 
of  the  courtship  problem.  Gone  are  the  limitations  of  the  past,  the 
barriers  of  formal  introductions  and  parentally  controlled  courtships, 
but  the  facilities  for  bringing  young  people  together  in  an  atmosphere 
that  is  conducive  to  courtship  have  been  slow  to  make  their  appearance. 
The  need  is  particularly  great  in  the  larger  cities  where  contacts  between 
people  are  usually  transitory  and  superficial.  Letters  such  as  the  follow- 
ing are  not  uncommon  in  the  collection  of  requests  received  by  social 
agencies: 

...  I'm  definitely  disgusted  with  myself  for  not  being  able  to  go  out  and 
find  romance  as  others  do  —  but  frankly,  it's  reached  the  point  where  I'm 
actually  becoming  morbid  over  my  social  deficiency  —  the  more  I  try  to  fight 
it,  the  further  back  I  seem  to  go.  I  don't  know  of  anyone  that  can  actually 
be  of  any  constructive  help,  my  friends  are  as  much  in  the  dark  as  I  am 
when  it  comes  to  getting  a  girl  friend.  .  .  .  When  quitting  time  comes  at 
the  office,  I  hate  to  leave  because  it  only  means  a  lonely  and  empty  eve- 
ning. .  .  .  Psychiatrists  have  told  me,  get  married,  it  will  give  you  a  new 
set  of  social  values.  .  .  .  Really  that  was  just  rubbing  it  in,  because  secretly 
that  is  what  I've  always  wanted  more  than  anything  in  life.  .  .  .  What  I 
want  isn't  unreasonable  —  it's  the  very  essence  of  society  —  it's  no  more  than 
millions  of  couples  since  time  immemorial  have  accepted  as  a  matter  of 
fact.  .  .  .  Chicago  ought  to  have  one  of  these  [introduction  services]  for 
fellows  like  me. 

There  is  a  holdover  of  the  romantic  notion  that  the  first  meeting  of 
two  lovers  must  seem  accidental  and  that  their  love  must  be  confirmed 
by  the  evidence  of  fate  having  brought  them  together.  There  remains, 
therefore,  a  certain  amount  of  resistance  to  the  devices  invented  by  more 
ingenious  young  people  to  widen  their  horizons,  such  as  dating  bureaus, 
dating  exchanges,  introduction  services,  and  acquaintance  bureaus.  Dat- 
ing bureaus  on  college  campuses  have  sometimes  failed  because  they 
attract  mainly  those  most  in  need  of  an  introduction  service.  Once 
students  identify  the  bureaus  as  containing  mainly  the  names  of  the 
socially  inept,  the  project  falls  through,  even  though  many  may  have 
been  helped.  Introduction  services  in  large  communities  have  usually 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  83 

fared  better.10  Established  primarily  to  widen  the  circle  of  acquaint- 
ances rather  than  to  arrange  marriages,  these  services  have  succeeded 
where  more  formal  arrangements  have  failed.  The  director  of  one  such 
service  described  his  clientele  as  composed  of  normal  young  people  of 
fairly  high  education  who,  though  able  to  find  some  companionship, 
were  eager  to  be  more  selective  in  regard  to  tastes  and  interests.-  The 
conclusions  and  recommendations  contained  in  his  report  in  May,  1941, 
are  distinctly  quotable: 

.  .  .  they  were  an  exceptionally  fine  type  of  young  people,  and  their  high 
average  education,  as  well  as  conversations  I  had  with  them,  indicate  they 
approached  the  idea  with  a  minimum  of  emotional  resistance  against  the 
"stigma"  of  a  dating  bureau  (which,  after  all,  it  was)  and  especially  against 
a  plan  using  a  methodical,  scientific  approach  to  something  which  is  not,  un- 
der present  social  customs,  ordinarily  susceptible  to  anything  but  the  usual 
haphazard,  accidental,  inspirational,  romantic  approach.  In  other  words, 
these  young  people  were  better  qualified  than  the  average  to  perceive  the 
breakdown  of  the  older  system  and  the  necessity  of  something  new  and 
better. 

As  a  result  of  the  experience  obtained  from  the  experiment  ...  I  have 
come  to  the  conclusion  that  the  difficulties  might  be  overcome  fairly  well. 
The  method,  consisting  of  tests,  rating,  references,  and  matching  according 
to  principles  developed  in  recent  researches  (referring  here  to  such  tests  as 
the  Moss-Hunt-Omwake  Social  Intelligence  Test,  the  Pressey  Senior  Classi- 
fication test,  and  Bernreuter  Personality  Inventory  furnished  by  the  Psycho- 
logical Corporation  and  to  the  researches  of  Dr.  Kelley)  is,  I  believe,  fun- 
damentally sound.  If  we  are  going  to  accept  people  as  they  are,  and  try  to 
find  the  best  combinations  under  those  circumstances  without  trying  to 
change  people  themselves,  something  of  this  very  nature  must  eventually  be 
adopted.  .  .  . 

The  procedure,  however,  should  be  thoroughly  revamped,  in  the  light  of 
current  social  customs.  It  appears  to  me  that  the  principal  emotional  resist- 
ances are  as  follows:  i.  the  fear  (often  based  on  past  experience)  of  getting 
"stuck"  when  on  a  "blind  date,"  2.  the  dislike  of  anything  that  approaches 
romance  and  luck  from  a  "cold-and-calculating"  angle,  based  (a)  on  the  sci- 
entific methods  employed  and  (b)  on  the  fact  that  it  was  necessary  to  make 
a  charge  for  the  service,  which  was  self-supporting. 

Therefore,  any  new  plan,  if  it  is  to  succeed  in  numbers  reached,  must  op- 
erate on  a  non-profit,  unintentional  basis.  It  occurs  to  me  that  this  would 
be  done  best  by  adopting  the  program  in  some  already  existing  organization 

10  For  a  very  optimistic  account  of  a  nonprofit  introduction  service  in  Newark, 
New  Jersey,  see  Leigh  Mitchell  Hodges,  "Introduction  Please,"  Reader's  Digest, 
September,  1942,  pp.  15-18. 


84  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

which  is  of  such  a  nature  that  the  interviews  and  tests  can  be  given  ostensibly 
for  some  regular  purpose  of  the  organization.11 

The  advantage  of  this  social  invention,  which  is  no  more  incredible 
than  the  first  television,  is  that  it  may  be  adapted  with  success  by 
church  groups,  youth  agencies,  and  counseling  services  as  part  of  their 
youth  service  programs.  These  agencies  are  rapidly  building  up  staffs 
of  workers  competent  to  carry  out  the  procedure  of  a  "friend-finding" 
bureau  (interviewing,  personality  inventories,  card  indexing,  and  so  on). 
The  resistances  to  the  procedure  can  be  circumvented  at  first  by  the 
suggestions  made  above.  The  results  should  be  a~  greatly  improved 
courtship  and  mate-finding  system  for  America. 

Ideally,  young  people  should  have  abundant  opportunity  to  meet 
members  of  the  opposite  sex  with  a  variety  of  interests  and  tastes  and 
from  a  variety  of  economic  and  social  backgrounds.  They  should,  how- 
ever, become  sufficiently  well  acquainted  with  perhaps  a  dozen  persons 
to  determine  whether  there  is  a  basis  for  marriage.  Here,  indeed,  is  an- 
other area  in  which  social  invention  is  needed:  Many  more  boys  are  met 
than  formerly,  but  girls  know  few  of  them  on  a  basis  adequate  for  judg- 
ing their  availability  as  husbands. 

We  will  pick  up  in  the  next  chapter  the  changes  in  the  engagement 
as  an  institution,  which  need  to  be  made  to  complete  the  process  of 
sifting  and  choosing,  which,  we  have  shown,  starts  seriously  in  court- 
ship. Dating  and  courtship  may  be  the  period  of  shuffling  and  pairing 
the  players  into  what  appear  to  be  compatible  twosomes,  but  the  en- 
gagement period  is  the  first  official  test  of  the  pairing.  When  courtship 
is  successful  in  bringing  together  congenial  young  people  the  engage- 
ment is  likely  to  be  less  stormy.  In  any  event,  the  engagement  occupies 
the  bottleneck  position  through  which  most  marriages-to-be  pass,  and 
one  of  its  assignments  is  to  discourage  mismatings.  Our  attention  shifts 
at  this  point,  then,  to  the  engagement. 

Selected  Readings 

BOWMAN,   HENRY  A.,  Marriage  for  Moderns   (New  York:   McGraw-Hill, 

1948),  chaps.  6-8. 
CHRISTENSEN,   HAROLD  T.,  Marriage  Analysis   (New  York:   Ronald  Press, 

1950). 

11  Report  of  Joseph  Clawson  of  New  York  City  in  Joseph  K.  Folsom,  The  Fam- 
ily and  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley,  1943),  pp.  542-543. 


BECOMING    INVOLVED:    THE    COURTSHIP    PROCESS  85 

DUVALL,  EVELYN  MiLLis,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1950),  chaps.  9  and  14. 

DUVALL,  SYLVANUS,  Before  You  Marry  (New  York:  Association  Press,  1949). 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY  c.,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage 
(New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  4. 

MEAD,  MARGARET,  Male  and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1949),  "Pre- 
Courtship  Behavior  and  Adult  Sex  Standards,"  Chap.  14. 

MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  Courtship  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Sloane,  1949), 
chaps.  4,  5. 

SKIDMORE,  REX  A.,  AND  CANNON,  ANTHON  s.,  Building  Your  Marriage  (New 
York:  Harper,  1951),  Chap.  5. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  Chap.  10. 

Technical  References 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  Family,  Marriage  and  Parenthood 
(Boston:  Heath,  1948),  chaps.  7,  8. 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  w.,  AND  LOCKE,  HARVEY,  The  Family  (New  York:  Ameri- 
can Book,  1945),  Chap.  12. 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  w.,  AND  WALLIN,  PAUL,  Engagement  and  Marriage  (Chi- 
cago: Lippincott,  1953). 

FOLSOM,  JOSEPH  K.,  The  Family  and  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley, 
1943),  Chap.  16. 

KIRKPATRICK,  CLIFFORD,  AND  CAPLOW,  THEODORE,  "Emotional  Trends  in  the 
Courtship  Experience  of  College  Students,"  American  Sociological  Re- 
view, Vol.  10  (1945),  pp.  619-626. 

NIMKOFF,  M.  F.,  AND  WOOD,  A.  LV  "Courtship  and  Personality,"  American 
Journal  of  Sociology,  Vol.  53  (1948),  pp.  263-269. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  "The  Rating-Dating  Complex,"  American  Sociological 
Review,  Vol.  2  (1937),  pp.  727-734. 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  Chap.  16. 


CHAPTER  FIVE 


WE  PREDICT  YOUR 
MARITAL   SUCCESS 


PROSPECTIVE 

PROSPECTIVE 

PROSPECTIVE 

HUSBAND'S 

COUPLE'S 

WIF^S 

BACKGROUND 

ATTITUDES 

BACKGROUND 

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THE  MEANING  OF  AN   ENGAGEMENT 

Are  short  engagements  better  than  long  ones? 

Once  you  are  engaged,  what  are  your  obligations? 

What  can  an  engaged  couple  do  to  prepare  themselves  for  marriage? 

What  sorts  of  engagements  ought  to  be  broken? 

Should  engagement  mean  monopoly? 


£7      HE   MEANING  OF  BETROTHAL,  THE  INTERPRETATION  OF  ITS  OBLIGA- 

tions  and  duties,  varies  tremendously  from  couple  to  couple.  For  many 
it  is  regarded  as  an  end  in  itself,  like  a  degree  or  a  diploma,  rather  than 
a  period  of  preparation  for  greater  responsibilities  in  marriage  and  fam- 
ily life.  For  many  it  is  dominated  by  the  thrills  of  novelty  and  new 
experience  rather  than  by  the  solving  of  problems  and  testing  of  per- 
sonalities. 

This  chapter  is  designed  to  open  the  eyes  of  couples  who  regard  en- 
gagement simply  as  a  hurdle  before  marriage.  We  hope  to  show  that 
the  betrothal  has  values  of  its  own,  and  that  time  invested  in  a  con- 
scientious engagement  returns  dividends  in  more  successful  marriage 
later  on.  It  is  a  necessary  bridge  between  the  irresponsibility  of  youth 
with  its  "single  blessedness"  and  the  married  responsibility  of  adults. 

The  courting  relationship  to  begin  with  is  fairly  casual,  and  there  is 
little  pain  involved  if  a  rupture  occurs  in  the  relation.  By  engagement 
time  the  couple  has  been  caught  up  in  a  whole  series  of  involvements 
through  the  use  of  the  line,  occasional  love  gestures,  idealizations,  and 
lovers'  quarrels.  Couple  unity  builds  up  out  of  common  interests  and 
the  growing  feeling  that  they  are  meant  for  each  other.  Friends  take 


88  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

notice  and  encourage  them  to  think  of  themselves  as  engaged.  They 
are  identified  in  the  public's  eyes  henceforth  as  a  potential  married 
couple,  and  they  are  aware  of  the  necessity  of  conforming  to  social  ex- 
pectations. 


Engagement  from  a  Man's  Point  of  View 

Engagement  is  commonly  thought  to  be  mainly  of  concern  to  women. 
According  to  the  articulate  male  critic,  engagement  is  a  matter  of  put- 
ting up  with  a  whim  of  the  fiancee  in  order  that  she  may  have  her  quota 
of  parties  and  showers,  and  that  she  may  rate  the  society  pages  and  may 
be  duly  congratulated  and  feted  on  her  good  fortune.  She  often  sup- 
ports him  in  this  viewpoint  by  insisting  that  a  girl  gets  married  only 
once,  and  she  has  a  right  to  all  the  attention  and  excitement  she  can 
get  out  of  the  preparations  which  attend  the  engagement  period.  Partly 
due  to  this  attitude,  many  couples  have  married  without  bothering  with 
engagement  at  all.  Just  what  are  the  advantages  of  an  engagement 
which  a  man  should  consider,  for  he  is  more  frequently  the  offender  in 
bypassing  this  period  as  needless  ceremonial? 

There  are  real  advantages  to  the  man  of  a  full  and  complete  engage- 
ment period,  which  hold  in  many  instances  for  his  fiancee  as  well: 

1  The  engagement  may  save  a  man  from  being  dazzled  by  the  supposed 
glamor  of  his  fiancee,  since  it  gives  him  opportunities  to  see  her  without 
make-up,  over  a  period  of  time.    It  is  the  more  enjoyable  because  it  is  con- 
ducted in  everyday  clothes  instead  of  Sunday  best. 

2  The  engagement  may  enable  a  man  to  become  better  acquainted  with  the 
thinking  of  the  emancipated  woman  of  the  twentieth  century.    He  may 
find  that  the  present  edition  will  not  play  the  same  submissive  game  his 
mother  has  and  that  she  expects  to  be  accepted  as  a  person  in  her  own 
right.    If  he  wants  a  wife  who  will  baby  him  as  mother  may  have  done, 
he  may  need  to  look  elsewhere. 

3  The  engagement  gives  him  an  opportunity  to  get  acquainted  with  his 
fianceVs  family  and  to  have  his  fiancee  accepted  by  his  family.     In-laws 
are  valuable  assets,  and  their  approval  is  most  necessary.     If  they  disap- 
prove, they  may  act  as  a  wedge  to  separate  him  from  his  wife  when  the 
first  crisis  develops.1 

1  Studies  of  marriage  success  list  "approval  of  parents"  as  one  of  the  important 
factors  in  marital  happiness.  See  Ernest  W.  Burgess  and  Leonard  S.  Cottrell,  Jr., 
Predicting  Success  or  Failure  in  Marriage  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1939),  pp.  168- 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  89 

4  The  engagement  gives  him  time  to  arrange  his  financial  affairs  and  to  get 
ready  for  the  economic  burden  of  marriage. 

5  The  engagement  may  give  him  insight  into  the  relative  responsiveness  of 
his  fiancee.    Even  though  there  be  a  minimum  of  sex  experimentation  in 
the  engagement,  such  deficiencies  as  frigidity,  lack  of  capacity  for  demon- 
strating affection,  and  childhood  fears  will  show  up  in  the  normal  love 
play  of  the  engagement. 

6  The  engagement  gives  the  man  a  chance  to  see  whether  there  is  any  pos- 
sibility of  sharing  his  business  and  professional  interests  with  his  wife- 
to-be.    This  is  an  important  factor  in  the  early  years  of  marriage  as  both 
are  struggling  to  attain  a  secure  economic  position. 

7  The  engagement  gives  the  man  who  wants  children  the  opportunity  of 
noting  in  more  detail  his  affianced's  attitudes  toward  children  and  child 
rearing.    (Not  all  women  want  children,  you  know.) 

8  The  engagement  gives  a  man  a  chance  to  slip  into  his  role  of  husband 
gradually  and  to  learn  some  of  the  ropes  while  still  in  the  engagement  pe- 
riod.   Nothing  succeeds  like  success,  and  the  engagement  enables  the  nov- 
ice to  succeed  by  starting  him  out  with  premarriage  problems  and  induct- 
ing him  slowly  into  the  complications  of  married  life. 


Woman's  Point  of  View 

The  feminine  reader  will  recognize  here  many  values  of  an  engagement 
which,  when  transposed,  hold  equally  well  for  her.  She  should  be  aware 
also  of  the  unusual  opportunities  the  engagement  offers  for  prolonged 
discussions  of  mutual  interest.  She  can  feel  perfectly  free,  now  that  she 
is  engaged,  to  express  her  desires  and  aspiration  in  marriage.  She  will 
want  to  find  out  the  attitudes  of  her  fiance  toward  the  role  of  the  wife 
as  homemaker  or  worker  outside  the  home,  his  point  of  view  on  the  is- 
sues of  housing,  extramarital  friendships,  handling  of  money,  and  so  on. 
The  initiative  which  a  woman  properly  takes  in  this  discussion  is  com- 

170.  In  America  we  are  inclined  to  dispose  of  the  mother-in-law  and  other  in-laws 
by  a  system  of  avoidance.  Any  story  commiserating  the  victim  of  in-law  interference 
is  sure  to  get  a  laugh  or  a  headline;  see  for  example  the  following  clipping  from  the 
Detroit  News: 

"Tom  took  his  wife  and  two  children  out  to  spend  a  week  with  her  parents  in 
the  country,  while  some  repairs  were  being  made  on  the  house. 

"At  week-end  the  repair  job  wasn't  finished  and  Tom  telephoned  to  suggest  that 
the  missus  extend  her  stay  for  a  few  days. 

"  'I  will  not/  she  hissed.  'You  come  right  out  and  get  me.  I  can't  stand  living 
with  in-laws  any  longer.' 

"  'What  do  you  mean?'  asked  puzzled  Tom.  "They're  not  my  folks;  they're 
yours.' 

"  'Well,'  said  Mrs.  Tom  defensively,  'after  you're  married  they're  all  in-laws.' " 


90  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

ing  to  be  recognized  frankly.  Since  the  engagement  period  has  been 
characterized  as  the  period  during  which  the  idea  of  marriage  with  this 
particular  mate  is  being  explored  as  a  working  hypothesis,  such  discus- 
sions are  especially  pertinent  during  this  interval.2 

A  third  reason  for  the  engagement  is  to  test  the  sincerity  of  the  pro- 
fessions of  affection  which  occur  so  frequently  in  the  courtship  period. 
The  newly  engaged  want  to  be  assured  that  the  professing  of  love  isn't 
part  of  the  line,  that  this  is  really  love.  The  girl  wants  to  feel  the  ten- 
derness of  her  affianced  without  the  threat  of  rivals  to  disturb  her.  The 
members  of  an  engaged  pair  inevitably  bring  from  courtship  certain  re- 
sentments, memories  of  injustices  and  painful  jealousy,  as  a  result  of  the 
insecurity  of  the  relation  in  competitive  courtship  days.  Now  is  the 
time  to  bring  out  on  the  table  the  unresolved  differences  and  conflicts 
which  have  heretofore  plagued  the  relationship.  Each  can  now  speak 
his  piece  with  more  security.  There  are  no  longer  rivals  who  might  take 
immediate  advantage  of  any  temporary  alienation.  It  is  no  longer  nec- 
essary to  jockey  for  position.  The  line,  which  was  used  originally  to 
cover  up  the  insecurity  of  the  participants,  can  now  be  put  aside.  Peo- 
ple leave  the  pair  alone  a  lot  more  now,  so  they  can  be  quite  frank  about 
themselves.  The  period  can  be  one  of  personality  testing  and  can  also 
be  one  of  exploration  and  experimentation. 

Finally,  the  young  woman  knows  that  it  is  no  longer  primarily  her 
parents'  job,  but  hers,  to  investigate  the  background  and  future  pros- 
pects of  the  man  to  whom  she  is  engaged.  Presumably  she  has  made 
certain  investigations  during  the  courtship  period,  or  she  would  not  have 
become  engaged.  Within  the  privacy  and  intimacy  of  the  new  relation- 
ship the  more  detailed  double  checks  on  their  reactions  to  each  other 
are  invaluable.  It  is  incumbent  on  the  pair  to  carry  on  this  exploration 
in  our  crazy-quilt  society,  because  there  is  no  guarantee  that  our  present 
mate-finding  machinery  has  brought  together  individuals  of  similar  back- 
grounds. 

What,  in  summary,  can  the  engagement  do  for  our  hypothetical 
courtship  couple  that  warrants  any  further  postponement  of  their  mar- 
riage? The  engagement  has  possibilities  as  a  stage  for  getting  better  ac- 
quainted without  the  fear  of  rivals'  cutting  in,  as  an  off-stage  setting 
where  the  line,  the  wisecracking,  and  the  kidding  of  the  courtship  may 

2  Hornell  Hart  and  Ella  B.  Hart,  Personality  and  the  Family  (rev.  ed.;  Boston: 
Heath,  1941),  p.  178. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  91 

be  exchanged  for  the  more  honest  and  earnest  discussion.  It  has  pos- 
sibilities as  a  testing  ground  for  the  congeniality  of  personalities,  as  a 
school  for  solving  differences  and  finding  areas  of  agreement,  as  a  wait- 
ing period  for  the  doubting  Thomases  with  their  misgivings,  and  finally 
as  a  trial  period  with  the  public  watching  and  judging.  All  the  processes 
welding  a  couple  together  in  courtship  continue  with  greater  force  in 
engagement,  but  they  operate  with  less  uncertainty,  because  there  is  less 
danger  that  the  relationship  will  be  disrupted.  The  engagement  period 
makes  possible  the  continuation  of  these  processes  which  make  for  soli- 
darity to  the  point  where  the  relationship  can  withstand  the  crises  and 
the  responsibilities  of  marriage. 


Length  of  Engagement 

How  long  should  the  engagement  be?  This  is  a  frequent  question  in 
marriage  classes.  As  we  have  pointed  out  earlier,  each  engaged  couple 
is  unique  in  experience  and  background,  and  each  interprets  engage- 
ment somewhat  differently.  To  answer  the  question  of  length  of  en- 
gagement would  require  an  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  history  of 
the  individual  engagement  pair.  Much  depends,  for  example,  on  the 
length  of  acquaintance  before  engagement  and  the  degree  to  which  the 
couple  may  have  undertaken  the  personality  testing  and  problem  solv- 
ing functions  in  the  pre-engagement  period.  Many  students  who  have 
read  books  or  attended  classes  on  marriage  problems  discuss  during 
courtship  questions  which  other  couples  less  well  oriented  postpone  for 
the  engagement. 

In  both  the  Burgess-Cottrell  and  the  Terman  studies  of  marriage 
success  already  cited  there  appears  to  be  a  positive  relationship  between 
length  of  engagement  and  marital  happiness.3  The  longer  couples  were 
engaged,  the  studies  showed,  the  more  satisfactory  was  their  later  mari- 
tal adjustment.  Actually,  these  statistics  may  reflect  more  than  appears 
on  the  surface.  There  probably  was  a  selection  of  the  hardier  couples 
of  superior  character  who  could  survive  a  long  engagement.  We  have 
no  adjustment  scores  for  those  couples  whose  engagements  were  broken 
because  they  attempted  to  prolong  the  engagement  beyond  a  sensible 
point. 

3  See  Lewis  M.  Terman  and  associates,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happi- 
ness, p.  198;  and  Burgess  and  Cottrell,  op.  cit.,  p.  167. 


92  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

The  highest  happiness  scores  in  the  Burgess  study  went  to  those 
married  couples  who  had  been  engaged  for  two  years  or  longer  before 
marriage.  Only  11  per  cent  of  this  group  showed  poor  marital  adjust- 
ment, while  of  those  who  had  been  engaged  less  than  three  months  50 
per  cent  showed  poor  adjustment.  The  mean  happiness  scores  of  Ter- 
man's  couples  went  up  steadily  in  relation  to  length  of  engagement, 
reaching  a  peak  among  those  who  had  been  engaged  five  years  or  longer. 
One  of  these  authors  concludes  from  his  findings  that  companionship 
rather  than  romantic  love  forms  the  best  sustaining  force  for  a  mutually 
satisfying  love  relation.  He  apparently  questions  the  lasting  quality  of 
a  relation  based  primarily  on  romantic  love,  suggesting  that  there  should 
be  an  opportunity  for  the  relationship  to  mature  over  a  considerable  pe- 
riod of  time  before  marriage.4 

The  case  for  fairly  long  engagements  need  not  rest  on  these  statistical 
studies  of  marriage  success  alone.  There  are  obvious  values  in  engage- 
ments which  are  long  enough  to  prepare  couples  for  marriage.  Engage- 
ments need  to  be  long  enough  to  act  as  a  screening  device  to  alienate 
and  separate  incompatible  couples  who  would  otherwise  marry,  only  to 
separate  more  painfully  after  some  years  of  marriage.  The  answer  to 
the  question  of  length  of  engagement  is  given  best,  not  as  a  definite 
number  of  months  or  years,  but  in  terms  of  the  indefinite  ''long  enough." 
The  engagement,  then,  should  be  long  enough  to  perform  the  many 
functions  of  testing,  discussing,  learning,  fighting,  and  loving  which  un- 
derlie successful  marriage.  If  the  student  requires  a  more  specific  figure, 
it  is  probably  safe  to  state  that  the  engagement  should  rarely  be  shorter 
than  six  months  and  rarely  longer  than  two  years,  depending  on  the 
length  of  previous  acquaintance  and  the  extent  to  which  the  engage- 
ment functions  have  already  been  started  in  the  courtship  period. 

How  long  an  engagement  is  too  long?  Henry  Bowman  has  estab- 
lished rough  criteria  which  may  be  helpful: 

An  engagement  is  too  long  if  an  excessive  amount  of  nervous  tension  is  gen- 
erated; if  the  couple  experience  a  sense  of  frustration;  if  they  become  more 
than  usually  tired  of  waiting;  if  they  grow  discouraged;  if  they  become  indif- 
ferent to  each  other;  if  they  begin  to  accept  the  status  quo  as  a  substitute  for 
marriage  and  lose  interest  in  the  latter;  if  the  engagement  constitutes  more 
than  a  relatively  small  fraction  of  the  total  period  from  meeting  to  wed- 
ding. .  .  .  We  wish  to  counteract  the  opinion  so  commonly  expressed 

*  Burgess  and  Cottrell,  op.  tit.,  p.  168. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  93 

among  students  to  the  effect  that  on  the  basis  of  a  few  months'  courtship 
a  couple  may  without  risk  enter  upon  an  engagement  of  several  years' 
duration.6 


Engagements  in  the  Face  of  Separation 

An  important  variable  to  be  considered  in  computing  the  length  of  the 
engagement  period  is  that  of  distance,  which  all  too  frequently  separates 
the  engaged  couple.  The  engagement  of  individuals  parted  for  long  pe- 
riods of  time  because  of  war,  employment,  prolonged  professional  train- 
ing, or  other  enforced  absences  is  hardly  to  be  compared  with  the 
engagement  of  young  people  actively  pursuing  the  job  of  mutual  explora- 
tion and  problem  solving  day  in  and  day  out.  Can  the  functions  of  en- 
gagement be  satisfactorily  carried  on  by  correspondence? 

In  the  ideal  engagement,  separation  immediately  after  the  announce- 
ment would  hardly  be  contemplated.  Rather,  the  announcement  should 
normally  be  followed  by  a  series  of  mutual  investigations  during  more 
or  less  constant  association.  The  pair  needs  time  to  win  the  approval 
of  the  families,  relatives,  and  friends  of  both  parties.  This  necessitates 
being  seen  in  public  together  long  enough  for  people  to  say,  "I  think 
they  make  a  fine  pair;  they  ought  to  hit  it  off  nicely."  The  support  of 
the  public  is  not  to  be  disregarded,  even  in  these  times,  and  it  is  hard 
to  obtain  public  support  of  the  marriage-to-be  by  correspondence. 
There  are,  however,  several  young  couples  who  are  working  out  their 
engagement  duties  quite  conscientiously  by  correspondence.  How  are 
they  doing  it? 

First,  every  effort  is  made  to  keep  letters  full  of  information  about 
day-to-day  experiences  which  tell  about  the  changes  in  personality.  The 
correspondents  go  in  for  frequent  exchange  of  candid  photographs  and 
snapshots.  These  keep  the  couple  up  to  date  on  physical  appearance 
(new  clothes,  changes  in  weight,  etc.)  and  give  a  visual  picture  of  the 
places  and  people  each  is  meeting.  These  tokens  will  later  act  as  a 
source  of  common  experience  to  tie  the  couple  together. 

Second,  the  couples  find  that  some  questions  may  be  discussed  more 
deeply  and  somewhat  more  objectively  by  correspondence  than  in  face- 
to-face  chats;  for  example,  attitudes  about  children,  money,  religion,  a 
wife's  working,  the  use  of  leisure  time,  and  the  place  of  sex  in  marriage. 

5  Henry  Bowman,  Marriage  for  Moderns  (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1948),. 
p.  249. 


94  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Letters  most  certainly  should  not  preclude  many  face-to-face  talks  on 
these  subjects  at  some  later  date,  but  during  the  separation  they  do 
serve  to  clear  up  many  questions. 

A  third  device  used  by  successful  correspondents  is  to  refer  to  par- 
ticularly enjoyable  books  and  newspaper  and  magazine  articles  as  a 
means  of  getting  the  reaction  of  the  other  on  questions  of  mutual  inter- 
est. "I  read  an  interesting  article  which  you  would  enjoy.  Remember 
your  resistance  to  women  working?  Tell  me  what  you  think  of  it." 

Finally,  the  correspondents  should  make  relatively  little  effort  to 
spare  the  other  person  the  daily  details  of  living.  Realistic  correspond- 
ence keeps  the  avenues  of  communication  open  frankly  and  honestly, 
and  holds  to  a  minimum  the  building  of  illusions  of  sweetness  and  light 
when  things  are  actually  going  pretty  poorly.  This  is  an  art  which  needs 
to  be  worked  at  — how  to  write  what  is  happening  without  arousing 
anxiety,  and  yet  not  encourage  illusory  ideas  by  telling  too  little.6 

Certain  of  the  engagement  functions  will  have  to  wait,  to  be  worked 
out  satisfactorily  until  the  pair  is  reunited.  The  aspect  of  marriage 
preparations  which  has  to  do  with  living  together  in  intimate  associa- 
tion is  an  art  and  takes  practice;  the  skills  of  getting  along  together  must 
be  learned.  Engagement  by  correspondence  prepares  only  for  a  mar- 
riage in  which  most  contacts  are  by  correspondence  and  might  be  good 
preparation  for  marriage  with  a  traveling  salesman.  For  normal,  settled, 
married  living,  however,  there  is  no  substitute  for  daily  association  over 
a  period  of  time  to  learn  the  art  of  resolving  conflicts,  of  cooperative 
planning,  of  joint  functioning,  all  of  which  are  learned  only  by  doing. 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Which  of  the  following  problems  might  lend  themselves  to  effective 

discussion  by  correspondence? 

1  Problems  of  child  spacing 

2  Choice  of  a  place  for  the  honeymoon 

3  The  quick  temper  of  one  of  the  partners 

4  Source  and  stability  of  the  man's  income 

5  Changing  of  religion 

6  Handling  a  mother  fixation  problem 

*  KEY       'ff  jo  «|jod  Ajqissod  >  'z  'I 

*  Confession  of  misdeeds,  of  past  missteps,  are  quite  another  problem  and  will 
be  discussed  later  in  the  chapter. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  95 

In  brief,  in  the  face  of  prolonged  separation  many  of  the  functions 
of  the  engagement  may  be  satisfactorily  carried  on  by  correspondence, 
but  a  period  of  association  should  be  planned  for  before  marriage  to 
work  out  the  problems  of  intimate  relationships  which  remain. 


Should  Engagement  Mean  "No  Stepping  Out"? 

Many  of  the  questions  which  are  raised  about  the  engagement  center 
around  what  is  fair  and  just  to  expect  of  betrothed  couples  separated 
over  long  periods  of  time.  Should  engagement  mean  monopoly?  Is  it 
fair  to  date  men  other  than  the  affianced?  What  are  the  risks  of  being 
misunderstood  and  perhaps  having  the  engagement  endangered  thereby? 

There  should  be  no  question  about  the  engagement's  being  an 
amorous  monopoly.  Otherwise  the  relationship  is  no  engagement  and 
should  be  dissolved.  There  must  be  a  recognition  of  the  devotion  each 
has  for  the  other  to  the  exclusion  of  rivals.  Does  that  preclude  dating 
others  when  the  couples  are  to  be  separated  indefinitely?  This  problem 
is  one  for  each  couple  to  work  out  in  the  light  of  their  own  attitudes 
and  needs.  Some  couples  will  find  it  to  their  advantage  to  continue 
dating  while  separated,  regarding  it  as  recreation  and  as  a  valuable  so- 
cial experience.  Couples  who  have  doubts  and  mixed  feelings  may  well 
decide  to  forego  the  experience  of  dating  others  until  their  own  engage- 
ment is  more  firmly  established  emotionally. 

In  a  survey  of  this  problem  at  the  University  of  Wisconsin,  65  per 
cent  of  the  608  students  studied  disapproved  of  stepping  out,  and  only 
14  per  cent  approved.  The  balance  were  undecided.  The  Wisconsin 
students  were  reacting,  however,  to  a  situation  which  differs  greatly 
from  wartime  absences,  where  engaged  couples  are  separated  for  long 
periods  of  time.  Henry  Bowman  of  Stephens  College,  in  reviewing  the 
problem  of  engaged  college  students  dating  if  attending  colleges  in 
widely  separated  towns,  concludes:  "In  general  it  may  be  said  that,  un- 
less there  are  weighty  considerations  to  the  contrary,  such  students 
should  date,  even  while  they  are  engaged."  T 

Since  a  large  proportion  of  social  activities  everywhere  are  organized 
around  couples,  it  is  important  to  have  a  partner  in  order  to  participate. 
To  miss  all  these  activities  is  to  give  up  valuable  social  experience  in  un- 
derstanding individuals  of  the  opposite  sex.  After  marriage  the  husband 
7  Bowman,  op.  tit.,  p.  253. 


96  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

will  not  abstain  from  social  contact,  but  will  find  himself  constantly  in 
association  with  persons  of  both  sexes  at  parties  and  professional  gather- 
ings. Moreover,  sooner  or  later  he  must  learn  to  accept  members  of  the 
opposite  sex  as  persons  rather  than  as  potential  marriage  partners.  He 
will  want  to  be  able  to  associate  with  them  genuinely  without  the  im- 
plication of  amorous  inclinations.  If  the  engagement  is  sufficiently  es- 
tablished to  permit  dating  without  fear  of  emotional  competition,  the 
individual  couple  being  best  equipped  to  judge,  then  dating  may  well  be 
in  order.  Such  dating,  moreover,  may  help  to  relieve  the  strain  of  sepa- 
ration. Bowman  adds,  "It  is  also  a  good  test  of  the, couple's  devotion, 
for  if  their  love  and  trust  cannot  withstand  a  simple  test  like  this,  they 
are  not  ready  to  marry  and  their  engagement  is  insubstantial."  8 

Several  suggestions  might  well  be  made  to  make  dating  while  en- 
gaged less  hazardous  and  more  enjoyable:  i.  Dating  should  be  for 
recreation  or  pleasure  without  amorous  interest  in  the  other  person. 
2.  Dating  should  not  be  limited  to  one  person  exclusively.  3.  Dating 
should  be  with  the  full  understanding  and  approval  of  the  affianced. 
4.  Dating  should  not  be  expected  to  come  up  to  the  standards  of  en- 
joyment of  dating  with  the  affianced,  and  unfavorable  comparisons 
should  not  be  made.  The  casual  date  is  purely  for  recreation  and  con- 
venience, whereas  dating  the  affianced  has  the  added  lift  of  the  love  rela- 
tionship which  quite  naturally  increases  the  enjoyment. 


Revealing  the  Past 

Another  question  which  frequently  troubles  young  people  entering  upon 
an  engagement  is  how  much  of  the  past  should  be  revealed  to  the  other. 
In  the  Wisconsin  survey  referred  to  previously  more  reluctance  to  re- 
veal the  past  was  found  among  women  than  among  men;  29  per  cent  of 
the  women  disapproved  and  33  per  cent  were  undecided;  24  per  cent 
of  the  men  disapproved  and  33  per  cent  were  undecided.  This  gives 
some  clue  to  the  nature  of  the  problem.  Wisconsin  women  did  not  wish 
to  reveal  the  past,  which  might  reduce  their  chances  of  consummating 
a  marriage,  and  many  men  felt  the  same  way  about  themselves. 

Frank  discussion  should  be  the  order  of  the  day  during  the  engage- 
ment period;  indeed,  that  is  one  of  engagement's  major  functions. 
However,  there  is  no  obligation  to  rattle  all  the  family  skeletons  in  a 
8  Bowman,  op.  cit.,  p.  254. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  97 

recital  of  past  misdeeds  and  foolish  indiscretions.  These  would  be  much 
better  taken  up  with  your  marital  counselor  or  minister  or  family  physi- 
cian or  another  trained  specialist  who  will  hear  them  out  without  be- 
coming emotionally  involved. 

Whatever  cards  are  put  on  the  table  should  be  laid  down  before  the 
wedding.  What  items  that  might  have  a  bearing  on  the  couple's  fu- 
ture should  come  out  in  the  frank  discussions  of  the  engagement  period? 
Certainly  these:  i.  a  previous  marriage  and  any  financial  obligations 
which  that  might  entail;  2.  hereditary  or  other  defects  which  might  in- 
volve reasons  for  not  having  children;  3.  a  history  of  tuberculosis,  heart 
disease,  venereal  disease,  mental  breakdown,  etc.;  4.  an  imprisonment 
record;  5.  debts  or  similar  obligations  which  might  handicap  the  mar- 
riage. 

How  Much  Intimacy  during  Engagement? 9 

One  of  the  most  difficult  of  all  the  questions  of  the  engagement  period 
is  the  one  of  the  extent  of  physical  intimacy.  Some  caressing  and  ex- 
pressing of  warm  affection  is  normally  desired  and  is  definitely  helpful 
in  the  processes  of  preparation  for  the  intimacies  of  marriage.  But 
while  some  lovemaking  is  desirable,  full  expression  of  the  sex  urge  in  pre- 
marital sex  intercourse  has  hazards  of  guilt  and  shame  which  are  ex- 
tremely difficult  for  many  couples  to  overcome.  So  the  question  in- 
evitably comes  up,  "How  far  shall  we  go?"  It  is  wise  to  have  some  kind 
of  understanding  on  this  matter  so  that  each  can  notify  the  other  of  the 
proximity  of  the  boundaries  already  set.  Such  understandings  may  natu- 
rally emerge  out  of  the  contacts  themselves.  If  Jim  laughingly  whisks 
Mary  off  his  lap  with  a  gentle  reminder  that  she  is  too  much  for  him  at 
the  moment,  Mary  may  understandingly  accept  both  her  attractiveness 
to  her  fiance  and  his  response  to  her.  When  recognized  in  time,  such 
experiences  need  not  be  as  frustrating  and  tantalizing  as  they  are  later 
on  in  the  love  play.  One  of  the  authors  worked  with  a  group  of  en- 
gaged couples  in  outlining  the  symptoms  of  "time  to  stop  and  do  some- 
thing else"  that  may  be  helpful  to  the  student:  i.  when  either  is  flushed 
and  uncomfortable;  2.  when  either  senses  an  urgency  to  continue  the 
petting;  3.  when  either  finds  himself  or  herself  restless  and  sleepless  for 

9  For  other  discussion  of  the  issues  of  intimacy  before  marriage  see  the  discus- 
sion of  petting  in  the  chapter  on  dating,  pp.  59-62,  and  the  chapter  on  sex  morality, 
pp.  128-149. 


ft  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

extended  periods  after  being  together;  4.  when  the  love  play  is  an  un- 
pleasant memory  with  aspects  of  shame  or  guilt;  5.  when  being  with  the 
loved  one  is  fun  only  when  there  are  physical  contacts.  The  student  will 
be  able  to  add  his  own  guideposts  to  these  general  ones  in  setting  up  his 
own  boundaries  for  engagement  conduct. 

Every  Engaged  Couple  Has  Doubts 

Engagement  uncovers  almost  as  many  problems  as  it  solves.  Fortunate 
indeed  is  the  couple  that  does  not  end  the  probation  period  with  many 
doubts  and  mixed  feelings.  The  disillusionment  spoken  of  so  frequently 
as  occurring  during  the  first  year  of  marriage  may  come  before  the  wed- 
ding ceremony  as  a  result  of  the  questions  raised  in  the  engagement  pe- 
riod. Still,  it  is  probably  better  to  face  these  realities  all  along  the  way 
than  to  meet  them  unexpectedly  in  early  marriage. 

An  engaged  couple  will  do  well  to  recognize  at  the  outset  that  they 
will  have  occasional  misunderstandings  and  that  these  tiffs  will  be  ac- 
companied by  mixed  feelings  and  inner  doubts.  These  differences  need 
not  be  a  source  of  shock,  however,  if  the  couple  expects  them  to  occur 
and  concentrates  on  developing  machinery  for  ironing  them  out,  instead 
of  dwelling  on  the  seriousness  of  the  conflicts. 

Engagement  is  entered  into  by  most  people  in  America  during  a 
transition  period  in  life  between  adolescence  and  adulthood,  when  most 
young  people  face  doubts  and  uncertainties.  Those  who  are  engaged 
may  make  the  mistake  of  ascribing  these  feelings  of  uneasiness  to  the 
engagement  and  the  new  relationship.  Realizing  the  fact  that  everyone 
in  this  stage  of  life  faces  many  problems  may  help  relieve  the  situation 
for  some;  part  of  the  difficulty  is  just  that  of  growing  up. 

One  other  source  of  doubt  may  be  in  the  discrepancy  between  the 
flesh-and-blood  person  and  the  dream  the  affianced  has  built  up.  Un- 
easiness that  you  are  not  as  wonderful  or  competent  as  he  or  she  thinks 
you  are  is  understandable.  And,  from  another  angle,  many  disturb- 
ances occur  as  one  discovers  in  the  engagement  period  the  trick  his  im- 
agination has  played  upon  him.  Bitter  and  painful  quarrels  may  ensue 
which  are  hard  to  resolve. 

The  fact  that  no  couple  faces  marriage  with  absolute  knowledge  and 
conviction  of  its  ability  to  survive  the  crises  ahead  remains  a  source  of 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT 


99 


"How  can  we  be  mental  companions  if  you're  not  ready 
to  eat  when  I  am?" 


insecurity  throughout  engagement;  the  jittery  couple  applying  for  a  mar- 
riage license  is  an  American  stereotype.  Anticipating  difficulties  built 
up  from  stories  of  trouble  passed  on  from  adults  makes  for  mixed  feel- 
ings about  marriage  itself,  and  the  prospective  bride  and  groom  say, 
"We  are  all  right  now.  Why  can't  it  go  on  like  this  indefinitely?" 

Elopement  as  an  Escape.  Some  couples  facing  the  usual  doubts  of  en- 
gagement feel  they  may  escape  part  of  the  responsibility  by  eloping.  An 
elopement  is  just  as  much  an  impulsive  escape  from  the  realities  of  en- 
gagement and  marriage  as  the  hysterical  breaking  of  an  engagement  on 


100  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

the  eve  of  the  wedding.  Although  conflict  with  parents  is  frequently 
the  alleged  cause,  the  desire  to  escape  reality  appears  prominently.  The 
elopement  is  usually  carried  off  in  haste,  is  inappropriate  to  the  situa- 
tion, and  bodes  poorly  for  marital  happiness.  Paul  Popenoe  studied  a 
group  of  738  elopements  and  found  that  they  were  divided  among  those 
who  eloped  because  of  parental  objection  to  the  marriage,  those  who 
eloped  to  avoid  publicity,  those  who  eloped  to  escape  elaborate,  expen- 
sive weddings,  and  those  who  eloped  because  of  pregnancy.  The  mari- 
tal adjustments  of  the  eloped  couples  were  observably  poorer  than  those 
of  couples  married  regularly.  Apparently  their  escape  from  doubts  and 
inner  conflict  was  poorly  conceived  —  they  "jumped  from  the  frying  pan 
into  the  fire."  10 

As  we  can  see  from  our  previous  analysis  of  engagement,  there  are 
objections  to  elopement  quite  apart  from  the  escape  element.  The  elop- 
ing couple  are  bypassing  the  testing  and  exploring  functions  of  the  en- 
gagement period,  during  which  the  gradual  preparation  for  marriage  oc- 
curs. Furthermore,  they  are  alienating  their  in-laws  and  friends  whose 
support  they  will  need  frequently  in  the  days  ahead. 

Breaking  the  Engagement 

There  are  two  ways  to  escape  from  an  engagement,  one  by  an  elope- 
ment and  the  other  by  a  complete  break.  Both  represent  escapes  from 
inner  misgivings  and  doubts;  they  differ  merely  in  the  direction  of  the 
escape. 

Yet  one  of  the  most  important  functions  of  the  engagement  as  a  so- 
cial institution  is  to  eliminate  from  marriage  those  matchings  which 
cannot  stand  the  experience  of  intimate  association.  Within  our  cul- 
ture the  only  trial  period  before  marriage  is  engagement,  which  is  to  say 
that  there  are  many  engagements  contracted  which  should  be  broken 
before  marriage.  A  high  rate  of  broken  engagements  is  preferable  to  a 
high  rate  of  divorce  and  desertion. 

The  engagement  should  be  entered  into  with  the  realization  that  it 
might  be  broken.  If  this  possibility  is  recognized  in  the  beginning,  the 
break  will  be  less  severe  for  both  persons.  Even  so,  the  habits  of  asso- 
ciation are  as  difficult  to  cast  off  as  any  other  bad  habit,  such  as  smok- 

10  See  Paul  Popenoe,  Modern  Marriage  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1943),  pp. 
222-225. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  101 

ing  or  drinking,  but  a  broken  engagement  is  less  painful  than  a  separa- 
tion after  years  of  marriage. 

What  are  reasons  for  breaking  an  engagement?  In  general,  any 
crisis  which  changes  the  basis  on  which  the  engagement  was  launched 
justifies  a  re-evaluation,  with  sufficient  discussion  to  arrive  at  an  agree- 
ment as  to  the  proper  course  to  follow.  This  is  good  procedure  in  any 
pair  relationship,  whether  it  be  engaged  partners,  marriage  partners, 
business  partners,  or  research  collaborators.  All  find  it  necessary  to  re- 
view their  relationship  whenever  crises  occur,  in  order  to  keep  the  part- 
nership intact.  There  is  strong  concensus  that  the  following  reasons 
justify  re-evaluation  of  the  engagement,  with  the  possible  agreement  to 
sever  the  relationship:  i.  recognition  of  fundamental  feelings  of  aliena- 
tion arising  as  a  result  of  the  more  intimate  relations  of  engagement; 
not  just  doubts  and  misgivings,  but  strong  feelings  of  incompatibility; 
2.  recognition  that  the  engagement  was  made  originally  under  pressure 
from  relatives  or  circumstances,  and  that  the  main  reason  for  refraining 
from  breaking  the  engagement  is  the  fear  of  publicity;  3.  recognition 
that  either  member  of  the  pair  is  emotionally  dependent  on  parents  and 
too  immature  to  stand  the  rigors  of  marriage;  4.  changes  in  the  economic 
future  due  to  serious  accident  or  health  breakdown  or  similar  disaster 
affecting  ability  to  earn  a  living  and  carry  on  the  functions  of  parent- 
hood. 

These  reasons  for  breaking  the  engagement  will  be  rejected  in  indi- 
vidual cases,  but  they  should  not  be  rejected  because  of  fear  of  publicity, 
fear  of  admitting  that  one  has  made  a  mistake,  fear  of  homicide  or  sui- 
cide threats,  fear  that  the  break  will  ruin  the  other's  future.  "In  the 
great  majority  of  instances,  suicide  threats  never  get  any  further  than 
the  self-pity  stage,  and  relatively  few  are  ever  carried  out."  lx  Threats 
of  vengeance  or  of  suicide  sprees  exhibit  a  type  of  immaturity  that 
would  be  highly  undesirable  in  a  marriage  partner  and  are  ample  reasons 
in  themselves  for  breaking  the  engagement. 

There  are  two  reasons  for  allowing  the  girl  to  announce  the  breaking 
of  an  engagement.  First,  she  needs  to  maintain  face  among  her  friends 
and  loses  status  in  terms  of  marriageability  unless  she  is  permitted  to 
issue  the  announcement  of  the  break.  Second,  no  breach-of-promise 
suit  can  be  carried  out  successfully  against  any  man  if  the  woman  has 
announced  the  dissolution  of  the  engagement.  Established  historically 
11  Bowman,  op.  cit.,  p.  260. 


102  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

as  an  indemnity  for  the  woman  whose  opportunities  for  marriage  were 
impaired  by  the  broken  vows,  breach-of-promise  suits  still  occur  occa- 
sionally. The  promise  to  marry  is  a  legal  contract,  the  breaking  of 
which  gives  grounds  for  suit  for  damages;  and  as  recently  as  1929  a 
Michigan  court  awarded  $450,000  in  a  breach-of-promise  suit.  One  of 
the  happy  results  of  the  improved  status  of  women  in  our  society  is  the 
growing  feeling  of  disfavor  toward  breach-of-promise  suits. 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Which  of  the  following  engagements  should  be  re-evaluated  with 

the  possibility  of  a  definite  break? 

1  John,  engaged  to  Eunice,  was  in  service  and  has  been  missing  in  action  for 

almost  two  years. 

2  Bob  is  Catholic,  Jeanne  is  Protestant,  and  neither  will  change  religion; 

they  avoid  the  subject  after  three  months  of  engagement. 
3  Jim  has  returned  from  two  years  in  the  interior  of  Brazil,  broken  in  health, 

quite  possibly  a  permanent  invalid  —  wishes  to  break  his  engagement  of 

five  years'  standing  with  Eloise,  since  he  will  be  unable  to  support  her  and 

a  family  in  his  condition. 
4  Jack  has  broken  three  engagements  and  is  on  the  verge  of  a  breakup  of  the 

fourth  with  Georgene,  of  whom  his  doting  mother  disapproves. 

5  A  week  before  the  marriage  Susan  meets  quite  accidentally  the  former  wife 

of  Frank,  her  fiance",  and  learns  details  of  his  life  he  has  never  told  her. 
His  family  assure  her  everything  will  be  all  right  —  Frank  was  only  seven- 
teen and  infatuated  —  this  time  it  will  be  different. 

6  John  swears  he  will  commit  suicide  if  Dorothy  breaks  their  engagement;  he 

waves  a  revolver  to  prove  it. 


*  KEY     -pa4Dn|DAa-ej  eq  pjnou,s 


Building  the  Engagement  into  a  Marriage 

The  engaged  couple  expects  to  make  a  success  of  their  marriage.  All 
their  plans  are  laid  with  that  expectation  in  mind,  and  the  public  sup- 
ports them  in  their  resolutions.  Some  day  there  will  be  special  orienta- 
tion classes  in  every  community  in  the  country  to  which  engaged  cou- 
ples will  wend  their  way,  to  be  introduced  to  marriage  as  the  civilian 
is  processed  into  army  life  and  as  the  soldier  is  processed  back  into 
civilian  life.  Great  industrial  plants  consider  it  important  to  give  their 
new  employees  weeks  of  orientation  into  their  policies  and  objectives, 
as  well  as  into  the  ways  of  behavior  in  the  organization,  before  entrust- 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  103 

ing  them  with  free  access  to  the  plant.  Marriage  is  worthy  of  even 
more  careful  attention.  Some  communities  are  now  offering  classes  for 
engaged  couples,  and  there  are  classes  in  over  five  hundred  colleges  and 
universities.  In  time  young  people  everywhere  will  be  able  to  receive 
such  instruction.  For  Sally  and  Bill  who  have  just  announced  their  en- 
gagement, there  are  many  helpful  books  and  pamphlets  available,  as 
well  as  several  tests  and  prediction  scales,  which  are  suggestive  to  the 
couple  planning  for  a  successful  marriage.12 

Premarriage  Counseling  and  fhe  Premarital  Examination.  In  addition 
to  study  and  testing,  the  engaged  couple  preparing  for  marriage  will  find 
available  professional  premarriage  counseling  services.  Few  people  at- 
tempt to  build  a  home  without  consulting  an  architect.  Even  where 
they  have  their  own  ideas  about  a  house,  sensible  people  consult  an 
architect  to  have  them  checked  carefully.  The  same  point  of  view  is 
rapidly  becoming  current  with  regard  to  marriage,  which  also  is  given 
design  and  symmetry  only  after  careful  planning  and  study.  Premar- 
riage counseling  is  becoming  increasingly  the  source  of  architectural 
charts  for  the  prospective  bride  and  groom.  Intelligent  couples  are  say- 
ing, "Nothing's  too  good  for  our  marriage,"  and  the  careful  planning 
which  their  premarriage  interviews  stimulate  gives  them  a  head  start  on 
less  careful  students. 

Premarital  counseling  often  starts  early  in  the  courtship  period  and 
continues  throughout  the  engagement.  In  addition  to  marriage  predic- 
tion scales  which  test  the  similarity  and  compatibility  of  home  and  fam- 
ily backgrounds  as  well  as  certain  social  factors,  the  premarital  guidance 
center  will  have  available  other  personality  tests  which  prove  important 
in  determining  the  emotional  readiness  of  individuals  for  marriage. 

Our  earlier  discussion  of  personality  in  marriage  should  have  proved 
the  necessity  of  understanding  the  nature  of  your  own  personality  as 
well  as  the  personality  of  the  person  you  will  marry.  These  tests  in  the 
hands  of  a  skilled  psychologist  can  be  extremely  revealing.  Suppose 
they  reveal  emotional  dependence  and  nervousness,  with  tendencies 
toward  blues  and  depressions.  The  counselor  may  advise  remedial  at- 
tention just  as  the  physician  would  advise  a  couple  to  postpone  having 
a  baby  until  a  kidney  infection  cleared  up.  The  couple  will  not  want 

12  This  book  attempts  to  cover  many  of  the  questions  Sally  and  Bill  will  raise. 
In  addition,  we  have  supplied  a  list  of  readings  at  the  end  of  each  chapter. 


104  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

to  take  a  chance  on  marrying  immediately,  but  will  recognize  that  the 
period  in  which  these  questions  are  best  cleared  up  is  during  engage- 
ment, not  after  marriage. 

Some  counseling  centers  describe  their  premarital  guidance  as  a  "pre- 
marital examination."  Actually  the  guidance  program  may  take  weeks 
and  sometimes  longer  if  problems  are  uncovered  which  deserve  detailed 
attention.  The  premarital  examination  is  a  personal  course  of  instruc- 
tion, adapted  to  prepare  young  people  for  marriage  by  giving  special  at- 
tention to  the  individual  background  and  specific  needs  of  the  couples 
concerned.  In  general,  it  includes:  i.  a  review  of  the  personal  and  fam- 
ily backgrounds  in  an  effort  to  locate  the  important  factors  that  may 
influence  marriage  and  avert  avoidable  mis-mating;  2.  a  study  of  the  char- 
acteristics of  the  person,  the  temperament,  disposition,  and  other  emo- 
tional inclinations  and  attitudes,  by  means  of  interviews  and  tests; 
3.  specific  sex  instructions  geared  to  clear  up  misconceptions,  questions, 
and  fears;  4.  instruction  in  the  healthiest  approach  to  marriage,  its  prob- 
lems and  responsibilities  as  well  as  its  possibilities  for  growth  and  de- 
velopment; 5.  conferences  and  consultations  with  both  members  of  the 
couple,  and  separately  at  the  discretion  of  the  counselor  (group  confer- 
ences after  classes  in  marriage  and  family  courses  also  provide  helps  to 
the  engaged  couple  anticipating  marriage);  6.  a  thorough  physical  ex- 
amination and  conference  by  the  examining  physician  of  the  center. 
(See  the  details  covered  by  the  physician  in  his  examination  in  Chap- 
ter Six,  "Marriage  and  the  Facts  of  Life.") 

The  premarital  examination  is  one  further  means  of  objectively  ap- 
praising the  resources  an  individual  couple  brings  to  marriage. 


Social  and  Legal  Requirements  for  Marriage 

There  are  certain  minimum  social  requirements  for  marriage  which  the 
engaged  couple  will  find  enforced  by  public  opinion  today.  Some  of 
these  are  also  legal  requirements  in  many  states,  and  include  laws  about 
age,  race,  mental  and  physical  defects,  previous  marriages,  and  divorces. 
In  America  there  are  fifty-one  different  jurisdictions  with  laws  gov- 
erning or  limiting  marriage,  and  the  couple  will  do  well  to  familiarize 
itself  with  the  legal  requirements  in  its  state  of  residence.  No  two  sets 
of  state  laws  are  exactly  alike,  although  there  are  a  few  regulations  that 
are  general  throughout  the  United  States. 


THE    MEANING    OF    AN    ENGAGEMENT  105 

In  most  states  the  engaged  couple  would  legally  be  denied  a  license 
if  either  party  fell  into  any  of  the  following  categories:  i.  already  mar- 
ried; 2.  first  cousins;  3.  insane  or  feeble-minded;  4.  under  age  —  gen- 
erally under  fourteen  for  girls,  eighteen  for  boys;  5.  having  a  venereal 
disease;  6.  members  of  different  races  —  white-Negro  and  white-Mon- 
golian combinations  prohibited  regionally,  determined  by  states. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  Which  of  the  following  conditions  would  result  in  the  couple's  being 

denied  a  license  in  most  states? 

1  Habitual  drunkenness  6  Under  twelve  years  of  age 

2  Already  married  7  Tubercular 

3  Epilepsy  8  Prison  record 

4  Feeble-minded  9  First  cousins 

5  Pauper  10  Venereally  diseased 


*  KEY     01  '6  '9  >  'Z 


Most  marriage  legislation  puts  into  written  form  regulations  which 
have  existed  before  in  unwritten  form  as  custom  and  public  opinion. 
Bigamy,  incest,  child  marriage,  and  miscegenation  were  under  ban  long 
before  they  became  prohibited  by  law,  and  offenders  were  summarily 
dealt  with  for  violating  such  social  regulations  by  the  effective  con- 
trols of  excommunication,  ostracism,  and  "riding  him  out  of  town  on 
a  rail." 

In  addition  to  the  legal  requirements,  which  are  for  the  most  part 
stated  in  negative  terms,  we  have  social  requirements  more  or  less  en- 
forced which  represent  the  desired  levels  at  which  marriage  should  take 
place. 

SOCIAL  REQUIREMENTS  FOR  MARRIAGE 
Willingness  and  ability  to  carry  out  the  matrimonial  obligations  of: 

1  Sharing  a  common  residence 

2  Sexual  access 

3  Sexual  fidelity 

4  Conjugal  kindness 

5  Adult  responsibility  for  homemaking 

6  Financial  support  of  dependents 

What  has  been  said  about  the  engagement  in  this  chapter  which 
would  bear  repeating  in  quick  summary? 


106  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

1  The  pattern  in  engagement  is  the  best  preview  available  premaritally  of 
the  marriage  pattern  for  any  given  couple. 

2  The  optimum  length  of  engagement  is  best  stated  as  "long  enough,"  —  to 
perform  the  many  functions  of  testing,  discussing,  learning,  fighting,  and 
loving  which  underlie  successful  marriage. 

3  All  the  processes  welding  a  couple  together  in  courtship  continue  with 
greater  force  in  engagement,  but  they  operate  with  less  uncertainty,  be- 
cause there  is  less  danger  that  the  relationship  will  be  disrupted. 

4  The  engagement  provides  opportunity  for  maximum  planning,  learning 
how  to  make  jointly  choices  which  both  parties  can  accept  and  support  in- 
dividually. 

5  The  engagement  operates  as  a  preventive  of  divorce  since  in  breaking  up 
those  matchings  which  cannot  stand  the  experience  of  intimate  associa- 
tion, in  effect  it  brings  about  a  divorce  before  marriage  itself. 

Selected  Readings 

BOWMAN,   HENRY  A.,  Marriage  for  Moderns   (New  York:   McGraw-Hill, 

,       1948),  Chap.  8. 

CHRISTENSEN,  HAROLD  T.,  Marriage  Analysis   (New  York:   Ronald  Press, 

i       1950),  Chap.  9. 

HARPER,  ROBERT  A.,  Marriage  (New  York:  Appleton-Century-Crofts,  1949), 
Chap.  6. 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY  G.,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage, 
(New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  8. 

MACE,  DAVID  R.,  Marriage  (New  York:  Doubleday,  1952),  Chap.  2. 

MAGOUN,  F.  ALEXANDER,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948), 
Chap.  7. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  Chap.  12. 

Technical  References 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  W.,  AND  COTTRELL,  LEONARD  S.,   JR.,  Predicting  SuCCCSS  Or 

Failure  in  Marriage  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1939),  Chap.  10. 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  w.,  AND  WALLIN,  PAUL,  Engagement  and  Marriage  (Chi- 
cago: Lippincott,  1953). 

KUHN,  MANFORD  H.,  'The  Engagement:  Thinking  about  Marriage,"  in  How- 
ard Becker  and  Reuben  Hill  (eds.),  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parenthood 
(Boston:  Heath,  1948). 

TERMAN,  LEWIS  M.,  AND  ASSOCIATES,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Hap- 
piness (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938),  pp.  197-201,  319-335. 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  pp.  434- 
467. 


CHAPTER  SIX 


Reproduced  by  permission.    Copyright 
1945  The  New  Yorker  Magazine,  Inc. 


MARRIAGE  AND   THE   FACTS   OF   LIFE 

What  are  the  sex  differences  between  men  and  women? 

How  does  conception  take  place? 

When  is  it  most  likely? 

What  causes  impotence? 

How  are  venereal  diseases  contracted  and  why  are  they  serious? 
What  should  be  checked  in  an  adequate  premarital  examination? 


EX    ADJUSTMENT    COMES    SHARPLY    INTO    FOCUS   AS    TWO    PEOPLE 

marry  and  establish  their  right  to  live  together  as  man  and  wife.  Long 
before  that,  many  questions  about  the  nature  of  man  and  woman,  their 
life  together  in  marriage,  and  their  preparation  for  it,  are  common 
among  young  people  today.  This  chapter  reviews  the  main  areas  of 
interest  with  a  presentation  of  pertinent  facts  checked  and  rechecked 
with  leading  research  workers  and  practicing  physicians.  The  simplest 
medical  terms:  names  of  the  sex  organs,  functions,  and  conditions  are 
italicized  when  first  used  throughout  the  material,  as  an  aid  to  adequate 
vocabulary,  so  often  helpful  especially  in  this  area  of  life. 


Sex  Organs  and  How  They  Work  in  the  Man 

The  male  sex  glands  are  two  firm  oval  bodies  about  one  and  one  half 
inches  long  which  hang  from  the  lower  part  of  the  front  of  the  body  be- 
tween the  thighs  in  a  sac  called  the  scrotum.  They  are  called  testes 
and  have  two  very  important  roles  to  play.  They  produce  a  hormone 


1  10 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


MALE  UROGENITAL  SYSTEM 


ADULT  MALE  BODY 


DETAILS  OF  TESTIS  (Schematic) 


PATH   OF  SPERM  CELLS 


From  Life  and  Growth  by  Alice  V.  Keliher  (Appleton-Century) 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  111 

(chemical  substance)  called  testosterone  which  is  largely  responsible  for 
the  development  of  masculine  characteristics,  and  they  produce  the  male 
germ  cells  known  as  sperm  cells,  spermatozoa,  or  male  gametes,  by 
means  of  which  a  man  is  able  to  produce  children. 

Testosterone  is  absorbed  directly  into  the  blood  stream  and  is  car- 
ried to  all  parts  of  the  body.  Its  presence  produces  the  male  type  of 
body  build,  hair  distribution,  vocal  range,  and  all  other  characteristics 
that  go  to  make  up  the  maleness  of  an  individual. 

Sperm  cells  are  formed  within  tiny  tubules  in  each  testis.  These 
empty  into  the  epididymis,  which  leads  into  a  slender  tube,  the  ductus 
deferens,  or  vas  deferens.  A  vas  arises  on  either  side  and  through 
it  the  spermatozoa  travel  slowly  upward.  Each  vas  runs  upward  from 
the  scrotum  into  the  lower  part  of  the  body,  ending  behind  the  bladder. 
Close  by  on  either  side,  the  seminal  vesicles  furnish  the  bulk  of  the  fluid 
in  which  sperms  are  suspended.  Surrounding  the  urethra  in  the  region 
where  the  two  vasa  deferentia  (plural  of  vas  deferens)  open  into  it,  is  a 
firm  globular  gland  known  as  the  prostate.  This  produces  a  secretion 
which  nourishes  and  activates  the  sperm  cells.  Together  the  sperma- 
tozoa, the  fluid  from  the  seminal  vesicles,  and  the  prostate  make  up  the 
semen. 

The  urethra  runs  through  the  penis,  which  in  its  relaxed  position 
hangs  just  in  front  of  the  scrotum.  At  times  of  sexual  excitement,  the 
penis  becomes  engorged  with  blood  and  stands  erect  from  the  body. 
When  ejaculation  occurs  sperms  spurt  out  of  the  reservoirs  through  the 
ejaculatory  ducts,  through  the  prostate,  and  with  the  seminal  and  pros- 
tatic  fluid  are  carried  out  of  the  body  through  the  urethral  opening  in 
the  penis.  Hundreds  of  millions  of  sperm  cells  are  present  in  the  half- 
teaspoonful  of  semen  that  is  released  in  the  average  ejaculate. 

Semen  is  released  during  sexual  intercourse,  masturbation,  or  uncon- 
sciously during  sleep.  The  latter  process  is  known  as  a  nocturnal  emis- 
sion, or  "wet  dream,"  and  is  nature's  way  of  eliminating  stored  secretions 
when  there  has  been  no  other  more  active  form  of  expulsion.  Such  re- 
lease occurs  first  at  puberty  (period  of  establishment  of  sexual  maturity) 
and  continues  to  take  place  with  some  degree  of  regularity  during  inter- 
vals of  sexual  continence  (abstinence  from  intentional  ejaculation  of 
semen) .  It  has  been  definitely  established  that  a  man  may  remain  con- 
tinent for  long  periods  of  time,  or  indeed  for  a  lifetime,  without  injuring 
his  health  or  destroying  his  masculinity. 


1  12 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


ADULT  FEMALE  BODY 


FEMALE   UROGENITAL  SYSTEM 


FEMALE  GENITAL  ORGANS 


From  Life  and  Growth  by  Alice  V.  Keliher  (Appleton-Century) 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  113 

Sex  Organs  and  How  They  Work  in  the  Woman 

The  sex  glands  in  the  female  are  about  the  size  of  those  in  the  male,  but 
they  lie  within  the  abdominal  cavity,  low  on  the  right  and  left  sides. 
They  are  called  ovaries  and,  like  the  testes,  have  two  important  func- 
tions. They  produce  the  hormones  which  control  the  femininity  of  the 
individual,  the  two  most  important  of  which  are  known  as  estrin  (estro- 
gen) and  progestin,  and  they  also  produce  the  female  germ  cells  which 
are  known  as  female  gametes,  ova,  or  eggs. 

Millions  of  sperm  cells  are  formed  daily  during  the  active  life  of  the 
male,  but  the  female  is  born  with  all  of  the  ova  she  ever  possesses. 
From  the  time  of  puberty  until  the  menopause  (that  period  which 
marks  the  termination  of  the  ability  to  bear  children,  commonly  known 
as  "the  change  of  life")  one  ovum  each  month  ripens  and  is  expelled 
from  the  ovary.  The  production  of  hormones  is  related  in  large  meas- 
ure to  the  ripening  of  the  ova.  As  an  ovum  begins  to  mature,  estrin  is 
produced  and  is  carried  by  the  blood  stream  from  the  ovary  to  the 
uterus.  This  stimulates  the  growth  of  the  inner  lining  of  the  uterus  and 
produces  an  initial  preparation  for  pregnancy.  When  the  ovum  is  ma- 
ture it  is  expelled  from  the  ovary  (ovulation),  and  progestin  is  produced 
in  the  ovary.  This  hormone  is  also  carried  by  the  blood  to  the  uterus 
and  acts  upon  it  to  cause  the  final  preparation  for  pregnancy.  After  the 
ovum  is  expelled  from  the  ovary  it  enters  the  Fallopian  tube  where,  if 
sperm  are  present,  fertilization  (entrance  of  the  sperm  into  the  egg)  oc- 
curs, and  subsequently  the  fertilized  egg  journeys  into  the  uterus,  where 
it  becomes  implanted  into  the  already  prepared  wall.  The  secretion  of 
progestin  continues  throughout  pregnancy.  If  the  ovum  is  not  fertilized 
it  dies  within  a  few  hours  after  its  expulsion  from  the  ovary.  Despite 
this  the  uterus,  under  the  influence  of  progestin,  continues  its  prepara- 
tion for  pregnancy  for  ten  or  twelve  days.  By  the  end  of  this  time  the 
production  of  progestin  ceases.  The  sudden  cessation  in  the  produc- 
tion of  progestin  affects  the  uterus  and  causes  the  vessels  in  the  lining 
to  bleed.  This  bleeding  is  the  result  of  the  fact  that  the  body  has  pre- 
pared for  pregnancy,  but  no  pregnancy  has  taken  place.  This  flow  is 
called  menstruation  and  consists  of  blood,  mucus,  and  shreds  of  uterine 
lining.  It  lasts  for  three  to  five  days.  Before  the  menstrual  flow  stops, 
another  ovum  begins  to  mature;  estrin  is  again  formed  and  another  pe- 


114  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

riod  for  preparation  for  pregnancy  is  on  its  way.  This  is  what  is  called 
the  menstrual  cycle. 

The  female  internal  organs  of  reproduction  other  than  the  ovaries 
are  the  Fallopian  tubes,  uterus  (womb),  and  vagina.  The  vagina  forms 
the  lowermost  portion  and  is  the  canal  into  which  semen  is  ejaculated 
from  the  penis  during  sexual  intercourse.  The  uterus  hangs  above  the 
vagina;  it  is  a  muscular,  pear-shaped  organ  consisting  of  a  lower  small, 
cone-shaped  or  cylindrical  portion  known  as  the  cervix,  which  extends 
into  the  vagina,  and  an  upper  large  portion,  in  which  the  baby  develops 
during  pregnancy. 

Extending  up  and  out  from  each  side  of  the  upper  portion  of  the 
uterus  are  the  Fallopian  tubes.  The  outer  funnel-shaped  ends  of  the 
tubes  lie  close  to  the  ovaries  so  that  when  an  ovum  is  liberated  it  is 
drawn  into  the  open  end  of  one  of  the  tubes.  Spermatozoa  which  may 
have  been  deposited  in  the  vagina  move  upward  through  the  opening  of 
the  cervix,  into  the  main  cavity  of  the  uterus,  and  on  into  the  Fallopian 
tubes.  Fertilization  normally  takes  place  in  one  or  the  other  of  the 
tubes. 

The  lower  end  of  the  vagina  has  a  puckered,  crescent-shaped,  pliable 
thin  cuff  of  membrane  called  the  hymen.  In  some  virgins  this  is  but  a 
narrow  rim  of  tissue;  in  others  it  forms  a  partial  membrane  which  is 
easily  stretched  during  cleansing  procedures  or  at  the  time  of  first  inter- 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Some  aspects  of  the  man's  sex  functioning  correspond  to  that  in  the 

woman.     Below,  in  section  A,  are  lists  of  male  and  female  parts. 

A.  Match  the  corresponding  words  in  the  male  and  female  columns. 

Male  Female 

1  Sperm  1  Clitoris 

2  Testes  2  Ovum 

3  Penis  3  Estrin 

4  Testosterone  4  Ovaries 

B.  Which  organs  are  paired  in  the  human  anatomy  (exist  in  twos)? 

1  Penis  2  Testis  3  Uterus  4  Ovary 

5  Scrotum  6  Seminal  vesicle  7  Vagina  8  Fallopian  tube 

*  KEY  pejjod  |ou  sjaquinu  ppo  £  'i  >  'j     epiuej 

fpejiod  sjaquinu  119x3  -g  y  '£  'z  'I         epw  'V 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  115 

course;  and  in  others  its  thickness  necessitates  dilation  or  surgical  nick- 
ing before  sexual  intercourse  can  take  place. 

The  external  genitalia  (outer  sex  organs)  include  two  hair-covered 
folds  called  the  labia  majora  and  two  small  inner  folds  known  as  labia 
minora.  Between  these  lie  the  openings  of  the  vagina  and  the  urethra, 
and  situated  above  the  latter  is  a  small  structure  called  the  clitoris, 
which  is  not  unlike  a  rudimentary  penis.  This  organ,  located  at  the 
front  meeting  of  the  labia  minora,  is  usually  the  seat  of  woman's  early 
localized  erotic  (sex)  response,  and  its  manipulation  usually  leads  to  her 
sexual  excitation. 


How  a  Baby  Gets  Started 

During  intercourse  semen  is  discharged  from  the  penis  into  the  upper 
end  of  the  vagina.  Many  sperm  pass  through  the  opening  in  the  cervix 
into  the  body  of  the  uterus  and  out  into  the  Fallopian  tubes.  Here 
fertilization  takes  place  if  an  ovum  is  present. 

STEPS  IN  FERTILIZATION 

1  The  ovum  ripens  in  the  ovary 

2  The  mature  ovum  escapes  from  the  ovary  into  the  tube 

3  The  ovum  goes  through  the  tube  toward  the  uterus 

4  Sperm  cells  deposited  in  the  vagina  travel  up  into  the  tubes 

5  One  sperm  cell  unites  with  the  ovum  in  the  tube 

6  The  fertilized  ovum  implants  in  the  uterus 

Immediately  after  the  egg  is  fertilized  it  begins  to  divide  rapidly  into 
many  cells,  and  by  the  time  it  has  passed  down  through  the  tube  and 
has  reached  its  final  point  of  attachment  in  the  uterine  lining,  consid- 
erable development  has  taken  place.  Continued  division  and  specializa- 
tion of  cells  soon  produce  the  fetus  (baby  within  the  uterine  cavity), 
surrounding  membranes  enclosing  fluid  within  which  the  fetus  lies,  and 
the  placenta,  a  structure  to  which  the  fetus  is  attached  by  the  umbilical 
cord  and  through  which  the  fetus  receives  all  of  the  oxygen  and  food 
material  necessary  for  its  development.  There  is  no  direct  connection 
between  the  circulation  of  the  mother  and  that  of  the  fetus.  Blood  of 
both  enter  the  placenta  but  always  remain  separated  by  vessel  walls,  and 
all  exchange  of  food  takes  place  across  these  membranes.  Growth  is 


116  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

very  rapid,  and  at  the  end  of  nine  months  the  fetus  has  increased  in 
weight  800,000,000  times! 

The  baby  is  born  through  the  birth  canal  (vagina)  in  a  three-stage 
process  known  as  labor.  The  first  stage  may  last  for  fourteen  hours  or 
more  for  a  first  baby,  and  consists  of  muscular  contractions  which  dilate 
the  cervix  sufficiently  to  allow  the  baby  to  pass  through.  The  second 
stage  of  labor  (one  or  more  hours)  is  marked  by  intense  bearing-down 
pains  which  expel  the  baby.  Usually  the  head  comes  first.  The  final 
stage  is  the  separation  and  expulsion  of  the  afterbirth.  (See  the  series 
of  photographs  and  the  fuller  treatment  of  this  section  in  Chapter  Six- 
teen, "Where  Babies  Come  From.") 


Planning  a  Family 

The  healthy  married  couple  may  expect  conception  to  occur  a  few 
months  after  marriage.  Often  the  age  of  the  mother  and  the  readiness 
of  the  couple  for  children  is  such  that  an  early  pregnancy  is  highly  de- 
sirable. Many  couples,  however,  are  better  prepared  for  the  arrival  of 
children  if  they  have  had  a  period  of  several  months  in  which  to  build 
a  sound  and  satisfying  marriage  relationship  before  the  onset  of  a  preg- 
nancy. 

The  normally  fertile  couple  may  expect  one  pregnancy  to  follow  the 
previous  one  by  intervals  of  a  year  or  two  more  or  less.  Some  women 
are  physically  able  to  take  such  frequent  pregnancies  without  injuring 
their  health  or  increasing  the  hazards  for  the  newcomer.  Many  fami- 
lies, however,  prefer  to  space  the  arrival  of  their  children  to  provide  ade- 
quately for  the  care  of  the  children  already  in  the  home,  the  optimum 
well-being  of  the  mother,  and  the  readiness  of  the  family  for  an  addi- 
tional member.  For  these  reasons  the  normal  healthy  couple  consider 
seriously  the  means  by  which  they  may  limit  the  number  and  plan  for 
the  arrival  of  their  babies.  This  usually  means  the  use  of  some  type  of 
contraceptive  device  or  technique.  Abstaining  from  intercourse  except 
for  procreation  is  so  extremely  difficult  for  the  normal  couple  living  to- 
gether that  continence  is  rarely  advocated.  Abortions  are  so  dangerous 
(see  fuller  discussion  in  Chapter  Sixteen,  "Where  Babies  Come  From") 
that  they  are  generally  deplored  as  the  most  unfortunate  means  of  limit- 
ing family  size. 

In  wider  use  in  the  voluntary  prevention  of  pregnancy  are  the  efforts 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE 


1  1  7 


S) 


HE.  "I  like  children  .  .  .  How  many  do  you  want?" 
SHE  (dreamy-eyed).  "Millions/7 


to  prevent  the  sperm  and  the  egg  from  meeting.  This  is  called  birth 
control,  or  more  accurately,  contraception.  There  are  many  procedures, 
devices,  and  materials,  some  of  which  the  man  may  use,  and  others  of 
which  are  the  woman's  responsibility.  Of  the  methods  now  in  use,  no 
one  is  100  per  cent  certain  and  all  still  leave  something  to  be  desired  in 
simplicity,  effectiveness,  and  personal  acceptability. 

One  of  the  oldest  attempts  at  contraception  is  coitus  interruptus,  in 
which  the  man  withdraws  the  erect  penis  from  the  vagina  before  the 
ejaculation.  This  abrupt  interruption  of  the  full  sex  act  robs  the  couple 
of  complete  fulfillment,  and  is  rarely  acceptable  to  a  well-mated  pair. 

The  rhythm  method  is  dependent  upon  an  accurate  plotting  of  sup- 
posedly reliable  regular  periods  of  fertility  and  sterility  in  the  monthly 
cycle  of  the  woman.  The  fertile  period  occurs  roughly  midway  between 
menstrual  periods,  leaving  the  days  just  preceding  and  immediately  fol- 
lowing the  menstrual  flow  as  "safe"  periods.  Fluctuations  in  length  of 
the  cycle  and  variations  in  the  time  of  ovulation  make  an  accurate  plot- 
ting of  the  occurrence  of  ovulation  difficult. 

Doctors  and  birth  control  clinics  prescribe  mechanical  devices  and 
chemical  preparations  to  prevent  conception.  These  are  fitted  to  the 
needs  of  the  particular  couple  and  have  become  widely  accepted.  More- 


118  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

over  the  religious,  social,  and  medical  needs  of  the  couples  are  respected 
and  taken  into  full  consideration  by  expert  marriage  counselors  in  the 
premarital  conference  discussed  later  in  this  chapter. 

In  case  of  the  chronic  illness  (such  as  severe  heart  disease,  active  tu- 
berculosis, etc.)  of  the  wife,  and  for  other  serious  reasons  where  having 
children  would  be  dangerous,  permanent  prevention  of  pregnancy  may 
be  accomplished  by  sterilization.  This  procedure  in  no  way  interferes 
with  menstruation,  or  with  the  normal  sex  life  of  either  the  man  or 
the  woman.  Tying  the  tubes  of  the  woman  to  permanently  prevent  the 
meeting  of  sperm  and  egg  is  a  major  operation.  But  the  tying  of  the 
vasa  deferentia  of  the  man  is  a  simple  procedure  and  in  no  way  affects 
the  masculinity  of  the  husband  or  interferes  with  normal  sex  desires 
and  intercourse. 


Venereal  Diseases 

Gonorrhea  is  one  of  the  venereal  diseases  which  is  contracted  by  sex- 
ual contact.  Both  syphilis  and  gonorrhea  have  serious  effects  on  the 
human  body,  and  where  untreated  are  costly  in  their  toll  of  health  and 
fertility. 

Gonorrheal  infection  in  the  woman  has  its  start  in  an  infection  of 
the  urethra  and  cervix.  If  not  treated  skillfully  it  may  move  up  from 
the  vagina,  through  the  cervix,  and  the  uterus,  into  the  tubes,  and  even 
on  into  the  abdominal  cavity,  where  it  may  cause  peritonitis.  The  tubes 
frequently  close  as  a  result  of  the  infection,  causing  sterility  thereafter, 
since  the  sperm  can  no  longer  get  through  to  meet  the  egg. 

The  progress  of  gonorrhea  in  the  man  is  somewhat  similar.  Starting 
at  the  point  of  contact,  it  may  progress  up  through  the  entire  genital 
tract,  leaving  blockages  in  its  wake.  It  is  the  most  frequent  cause  of 
male  sterility,  since  it  produces  closure  of  the  tubes  of  the  epididymis. 

The  early  symptoms  of  gonorrhea  are  frequent,  burning,  and  pain- 
ful urination,  and  a  lemon-yellow  discharge  from  the  site  of  infection. 
Prompt,  effective  medical  treatment  is  imperative.  The  use  of  sulfa  or 
penicillin  has  greatly  increased  speedy  and  complete  recovery  especially 
if  treatment  is  started  at  the  outset  of  infection. 

It  is  of  utmost  importance  to  understand  that  the  germ  of  gonor- 
rhea can  easily  be  carried  (by  means  of  towels,  hands,  etc.)  from  in- 
fected and  discharging  parts  to  the  eyes  of  the  person  having  the  dis- 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  119 

ease.  This  may  result  in  a  severe  infection  of  the  eye  which,  unless 
promptly  and  properly  treated,  may  result  in  blindness.  Blindness  in 
the  newborn  has  been  almost  entirely  eliminated  by  the  use  of  silver 
nitrate  in  the  eyes  of  the  baby  at  birth.  This  drug  kills  the  gonococci 
(germs  of  gonorrhea)  that  may  have  been  present  in  the  mother  and 
could  infect  the  baby's  eyes  in  its  passage  through  the  vagina. 

Syphilis  is  caused  by  a  minute  corkscrewlike  organism  called  a  spiro- 
chete  ("ch"  as  "k").  This  germ  is  caught  from  the  infected  person  at 
the  point  of  contact  —  usually  the  genitalia  and  rarely  the  lips  or  mouth. 
A  few  days  after  the  infection  a  hard  sore  called  a  chancre,  teeming 
with  spirochetes,  appears  at  the  point  of  infection.  The  second  stage 
of  skin  rash  and  patches  on  the  mucous  membranes  follows.  The  dis- 
ease may  then  become  latent  for  months  or  years,  after  which  severe 
damage  to  the  central  nervous  system  (brain  and  spinal  cord),  to  the 
heart  and  blood  vessels,  or  to  other  vital  organs  may  cause  insanity,  pa- 
ralysis, and  death.  Because  of  its  many  different  manifestations,  syphi- 
lis is  frequently  called  "the  great  masquerader."  It  is  one  disease  which 
cannot  be  self- treated.  A  reliable  physician  or  clinic  should  be  sought 
as  soon  as  possible  after  infection  may  have  taken  place,  and  the  treat- 
ment must  be  continued  until  the  patient  is  completely  cured  and  offi- 
cially released. 

Treatment  of  the  syphilitic  mother  greatly  reduces  the  likelihood  of 
congenital  syphilis  in  infancy,  especially  when  treatment  is  begun  be- 
fore the  fifth  month  of  the  pregnancy.  For  that  reason  routine  tests 
for  syphilis  (Wassermann  or  Kahn)  are  given  expectant  mothers  so  that 
if  the  disease  is  present  treatment  may  be  started  while  there  is  still  time 
to  protect  the  baby. 

The  man  may  protect  himself  from  infection  by  the  use  of  a  protec- 
tive sheath  or  other  prophylactic  materials  with  immediate  resort  to 
physician  or  prophylactic  station  following  contact.  No  similar  pro- 
phylactic measures  are  available  to  the  female  because  of  the  more  gen- 
eralized nature  of  her  sexual  contact. 

So-called  "innocent  infections"  through  nonsexual  contact  have  been 
reduced  through  the  wide  use  of  paper  drinking  cups,  paper  towels,  and 
the  general  acceptance  of  hygiene.  Venereal  infection  of  the  adult 
through  nonsexual  contact  is  rare. 

Laws  have  been  passed  in  most  states  requiring  the  examination  of 
both  men  and  women  before  marriage  for  presence  of  venereal  infec- 


120  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

tion.  Syphilis  is  diagnosed  by  Wassermann  or  Kahn  blood  tests,  and 
gonorrhea  by  the  microscopic  examination  of  a  smear  from  the  cervix 
and  urethra.  Infected  persons  are  allowed  to  marry  only  when  treat- 
ment has  reduced  the  disease  to  a  noninfectious  stage. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  You  are  to  check  the  courses  of  action  most  advisable  for  the  person 
who  finds  that  he  has  been  exposed  to  one  of  the  venereal  diseases. 

1  Wait  a  few  months  and  see  what  develops. 

2  Ask  at  the  nearest  drug  store  for  a  cure. 

3  Find  out  what  your  best  friend  suggests.^ 

4  Laugh  it  off.    It's  probably  nothing  to  worry  about. 

5  Go  immediately  for  medical  attention. 


*  KEY  *ff  s!  uojjsanb  Sju,i  oj  JOMSUD  aiqojdaooD  Xjuo  euj 


Sex  Adjustment  in  Marriage 

The  couple  approaching  marriage  should  understand  what  happens  in 
coitus,  how  the  sex  reponses  of  man  and  woman  differ,  and  how  to 
acquire  the  skill  necessary  for  mutual  satisfaction.  Though  women 
respond  more  slowly  than  men,  a  sexually  awakened  woman  may  be 
aroused  to  a  high  and  sustained  pitch  that  is  exquisitely  desirable. 
Woman's  response  is  not  localized  to  the  same  degree  as  man's  and 
usually  takes  more  time  to  arouse  either  with  tenderness  or  in  the  love 
foreplay,  or  both,  that  precedes  the  actual  introduction  of  the  penis  into 
the  vagina.  Caressing,  fondling,  and  assurance  of  endearing  love  are  as 
much  a  part  of  the  sex  act  as  the  more  highly  dramatic  climax  that  is 
to  follow,  and  they  must  be  given  enough  time  to  bring  both  of  the 
partners  to  a  readiness  for  the  next  step. 

Orgasm  in  the  man  is  noticeably  marked  by  the  ejaculation  of  se- 
men. The  woman's  climax  is  marked  by  rapid  breathing  and  a  series 
of  spasmodic  sensations  which  release  her  tension.  Orgasm  in  both  man 
and  woman  is  followed  soon  by  supreme  feelings  of  satisfaction  and 
tenderness.  Occasionally  a  woman  is  capable  of  and  desires  a  multiple 
orgasm.  When  the  man  is  not  able  to  accomplish  another  erection  im- 
mediately, his  manual  manipulation  of  her  clitoris  and  vulva  may  be 
satisfactory.  Any  activity  or  position  in  coitus  is  normal  and  acceptable 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  121 

if  it  brings  satisfaction  to  the  couple.  The  duration  of  the  sex  act  varies 
from  a  few  minutes  in  its  basic  biological  component  to  an  hour  or 
more  where  the  foreplay  and  afterplay  are  extended.  The  frequency  of 
intercourse  differs  widely.  During  the  first  few  weeks  of  marriage  it 
may  take  place  nightly.  Later  in  the  marriage  it  may  take  place  one, 
two,  or  three  times  a  week.  Crests  in  the  woman's  desire  may  make  for 
more  frequency  at  certain  times  of  the  month.  A  great  deal  of  varia- 
tion is  normal  so  long  as  the  partners  themselves  find  the  arrangement 
satisfactory. 

Simultaneous  satisfaction  is  not  always  achieved  in  every  coitus. 
Most  couples  find  that  it  occurs  more  frequently  as  their  skills  improve 
and  as  they  experience  more  and  more  a  feeling  of  unity  in  their  entire 
relationship.  Conditions  which  are  conducive  to  a  satisfying  sex  experi- 
ence are  often  ignored  in  poorly  planned  marriages.  Personal  hygiene 
as  well  as  a  feeling  of  absolute  privacy,  and  of  quiet  surroundings  that 
are  clean  and  attractive,  are  important  for  success. 


Sex  Response 

Some  people  do  not  respond  sexually  to  their  lovers.  The  inability  to 
have  an  erection  on  the  part  of  the  man  is  called  impotence,  and  is  likely 
to  be  humiliating  and  difficult  for  both  the  man  and  his  wife.  This  in- 
ability to  perform  the  sex  act  in  a  desirable  manner  results  usually  from 
deep-seated  psychological  fears  and  feelings  of  guilt  that  yield  best  to 
psychiatric  attention  rather  than  to  any  localized  or  purely  physical  treat- 
ment. Quacks  have  exploited  men  for  years  with  promises  of  quick  re- 
turn of  full  sex  functioning. 

Lack  of  sex  response  in  the  woman  is  even  more  frequent  and  is  the 
cause  of  much  distress  in  married  living.  Frigidity  in  the  woman  may 
be  expressed  in  absence  of  sensation,  with  an  inability  to  experience  or- 
gasm or  to  get  release  in  intercourse,  or  in  an  active  dislike  of  the  whole 
experience,  with  accompanying  pain,  nervousness,  and  feelings  of  re- 
vulsion. This  condition  frequently  results  from  one  of  the  following 
causes:  i.  inadequate  early  sex  education,  2.  a  feeling  that  sex  is  shame- 
ful, 3.  resentment  at  being  a  woman,  4.  hostility  toward  the  husband,  or 
5.  fear  of  being  hurt  or  of  becoming  pregnant.  Any  of  these  is  sufficient 
to  make  the  woman  unable  to  enter  eagerly  into  the  relationship.  Tem- 
porary withholding  of  sex  relationships  because  of  anger  is  not  infre- 


122  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

quent  even  among  fairly  well-adjusted  women,  and  is  a  mild  manifesta- 
tion of  chronic  frigidity. 

Few  women  enter  marriage  sexually  awakened  and  ready  for  com- 
plete response  in  the  sex  act.  Many  American  girls  are  brought  up  to 
be  "nice/'  to  repulse  the  advances  of  men,  and  to  refrain  from  any 
genital  stimulation.  Marriage  demands  a  completely  different  pattern 
of  behavior,  and  it  is  extremely  difficult  to  remake  oneself  overnight. 
To  overcome  the  conditioning  of  a  lifetime  and  replace  it  by  the  atti- 
tude of  mature  marital  cooperation  takes  time.  An  understanding  hus- 
band and/or  professional  help  before  an  unsatisfactory  pattern  becomes 
too  well  established  prove  helpful  in  correcting  this  condition  in  many 
women. 

Physicians  are  often  able  to  speed  up  the  woman's  response  by  pre- 
paring her  more  fully  for  marriage,  teaching  her  to  dilate  the  hymen, 
and  by  freeing  the  clitoris  from  the  folds  that  may  cover  it.  The  hus- 
band who  makes  full  use  of  the  excitability  of  the  erogenous  zones  (sex- 
ually excitable  areas),  such  as  the  breasts,  thighs,  vulva,  and  especially 
the  clitoris,  in  fondling  that  is  gentle  and  directed  toward  the  arousal 
of  his  spouse  often  finds  that  her  response  grows  with  his  increasing 
skill  in  kindling  it.  Loving  understanding,  patience,  and  practice  are 
all  that  are  usually  needed  to  make  for  sexual  compatibility  of  two  nor- 
mal people.  The  so-called  sexual  incompatibility  of  the  divorce  courts 
is  rarely  a  physical  problem,  but  rather  one  which  has  emerged  through 
the  lack  of  knowledges,  skills,  and  appreciations  necessary  to  build  mu- 
tual compatibility.  Sex  satisfaction  or  dissatisfaction  reflects  the  whole 
husband-wife  relationship. 

The  Premarital  Examination 

The  physical  examination  of  couples  about  to  marry  has  been  a  boon  to 
many  couples  in  detecting  and  clearing  up  all  kinds  of  difficulties  and  in 
offering  an  opportunity  to  ask  questions  and  obtain  the  information 
necessary  to  inaugurate  a  successful  marriage.  This  is  not  to  be  confused 
with  premarriage  counseling  in  which  the  many  personality,  family,  eco- 
nomic, religious,  and  legal  factors  are  explored  (see  pp.  103-104). 

What  may  be  expected  in  the  premarital  examination  depends  upon 
both  the  physician  and  the  couple.  Here  are  some  of  the  things  a  well- 
trained  doctor  and  an  alert  couple  keep  in  mind  to  be  included. 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  123 

PREMARITAL  PHYSICAL  EXAMINATION 

1  Medical  history  including  the  previous  sex  history  of  both  the  man  and 
the  woman,  possible  hereditary  problems  in  either  line,  and  the  men- 
strual history  of  the  woman. 

2  Clarification  of  any  item  or  questions  one  or  both  members  of  the  couple 
bring  in,  along  with  any  that  arise  during  the  consultation.     Selected 
books  may  be  recommended  as  helpful. 

3  Brief  review  of  the  anatomy  and  physiology  of  both  male  and  female 
genital  systems  in  the  human  (with  charts  or  films  if  desired). 

4  General  physical  examination  including  blood  and  urine  studies,  heart, 
lung,  and  pelvic  conditions,  and  search  for  any  possible  pathologies  in 
both  the  man  and  the  woman. 

5  Pelvic  examination  of  the  woman  with  especial  attention  to  the  condi- 
tion of  the  vaginal  orifice  and  the  adequacy  of  the  vagina  for  sexual  inter- 
course. 

6  Possible  instruction  in  a  program  of  hymen  dilation,  where  indicated  and 
compatible  with  the  attitudes  of  the  couple. 

7  Examination  of  the  clitoris,  and  plan  for  freeing  the  clitoris  as  indicated. 

8  Laboratory  study  of  cultures  from  vagina  and  cervix  with  especial  con- 
cern for  the  presence  of  gonorrheal  infection,  with  immediate  program  of 
treatment  if  tests  are  positive. 

9  Examination  of  the  male  genitalia  with  laboratory  tests  and  a  program  of 
treatment  for  possible  infection.     (Sperm  count  and  motility  may  be  in- 
cluded if  desired.) 

10  Blood  tests  for  the  detection  of  syphilis  in  both  individuals.  Positive 
findings  are  followed  at  once  by  adequate  treatment.  No  evidence  of  the 
disease  is  the  clean  bill  of  health  required  in  most  states  before  the  li- 
cense is  issued. 

n  Discussion  of  plans  for  contraception,  as  requested,  with  particular  refer- 
ence to  the  initial  period  of  the  marriage,  and  the  religious  factors  that 
may  be  pertinent:  a)  plan  for  plotting  the  "safe  period"  if  rhythm 
method  is  to  be  used,  or  b)  fitting  a  diaphragm  if  religious  and  personal 
factors  allow  it. 

12  Specific  advice  on  vaginal  lubricants  and  coital  procedures  as  requested 
and  indicated. 

Obviously  such  a  program  of  premarital  consultation  cannot  be  car- 
ried out  effectively  in  one  brief  office  call.  It  is  usually  wise  for  the 
couple  to  go  for  their  first  premarital  consultation  as  soon  as  the  definite 
date  has  been  set  for  the  wedding  (see  Chapter  Nine,  "Wedding 


124  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Plans").  At  that  time,  the  general  exploration  of  common  factors  in- 
cluded in  items  one  through  three  above  may  be  covered,  and  appoint- 
ments made  for  more  detailed  physical  examinations  of  both  man  and 
woman  at  separate  times  (and  possibly  by  different  physicians).  It  is 
important  that  the  pelvic  examination  of  the  female  be  done  some  time 
before  the  marriage  where  possible  so  that  a  program  of  dilation  of  the 
hymen  and  correction  of  any  remediable  conditions  be  effected  well  be- 
fore the  actual  marriage  date.  It  is  not  uncommon  for  the  girl  to  take 
her  mother  or  some  close  woman  friend  with  her  for  this  first  pelvic 
examination,  although  it  is  not  essential  to  do  so.  The  blood  tests  re- 
quired in  most  states  proving  the  members  of  the  pair  to  be  free  from 
communicable  syphilis  must  be  taken  within  the  time  limit  set  in  the 
state  of  residence,  usually  within  the  fortnight  preceding  the  marriage. 
Premarital  counseling  includes  not  only  the  physical  examination 
discussed  here,  but  also  the  exploration  of  the  personality,  social,  cul- 
tural, family,  economic,  and  religious  factors  that  are  important  for  the 
building  of  a  marriage  (see  Chapter  Five,  "The  Meaning  of  an  Engage- 
ment"). 


The  Fact  Is  ... 

The  establishment  of  a  satisfying  sexual  adjustment  is  often  not  accom- 
plished immediately.  It  may  take  the  couple  many  weeks  or  months  to 
mutually  adjust  sexually.1  The  week-end  furlough  honeymoon  of  war- 
time with  its  haste  and  sense  of  urgency  is  hardly  conducive  to  the  es- 
tablishment of  a  mutually  satisfying  relationship.  This  is  especially  true 
if  the  bride  is  not  fully  ready  for  the  consummation  of  the  marriage. 
Such  factors  as  a  tough  and  resistant  hymen,  or  the  slight  spasm  of  the 
muscles  of  the  opening  of  the  vagina,  may  be  painful  and  may  add  to 
the  fear  and  resistance  of  the  bride. 

Failure  to  synchronize  the  response  of  man  and  woman  is  another 
frequent  cause  of  dissatisfaction  in  intercourse  early  in  marriage  that 
may  be  lessened  by  adequate  marriage  preparation.  As  the  man  gains 
in  experience  with  his  bride  he  is  able  to  slow  down  his  response,  and 
by  gentle,  skillful  caresses  to  arouse  his  wife  to  the  place  where  both 
reach  the  climax  at  approximately  the  same  time,  with  mutually  shared 

1  Judson  T.  Landis,  "Adjustments  after  Marriage,"  Marriage  and  Family  Liv- 
ing, IX,  May  1947,  pp.  32-34. 


MARRIAGE    AND    THE    FACTS    OF    LIFE  125 

exhilaration  and  release  which  is  important  to  both  for  complete  ful- 
fillment. 

Happiness  in  marriage  is  dependent  not  alone  on  perfecting  the 
physical  sex  act  to  the  point  of  mutual  fulfillment.  As  studies  and 
clinical  evidence  have  richly  indicated,  it  lies  more  within  the  person- 
ality adjustment  of  each  member  of  the  couple  and  in  their  larger  rela- 
tionships as  two  whole  persons  than  in  any  physical  tricks  or  techniques. 
True  married  living  revolves  around  such  interchange  as  is  found  in 
planning  for  the  children,  spending  the  family  money,  making  plans  for 
vacations  and  holidays,  rejoicing  over  personal  advances,  and  comfort- 
ing one  another  in  times  of  illness  or  disappointment.  It  is  these  day- 
by-day  experiences  in  common  that  set  the  stage  for  the  fullness  of  sex- 
ual response  which,  for  most  couples,  symbolizes  their  unity  and  is  far 
more  satisfying  than  the  purely  physical  release  involved. 


Selected  Readings 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  EDS.,  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parent- 
hood (Boston:  Heath,  1948),  Chap.  10. 
BROWN,  FRED,  AND  KEMPTON,  RUDOLF,  Sex  Questions  and  Answers  (New 

York:  McGraw-Hill,  1950). 
BUTTERFIELD,  OLIVER,  Marriage  and  Sexual  Harmony  (New  York:  Emerson 

Books,  1946). 

CHESSER,  EUSTACE,  Love  without  Fear  (New  York:  Signet  Books,  1949). 
CLARK,  LEMON,  Sex  and  You  (New  York:  Bobbs-Merrill,  1949). 
DUVALL,  EVELYN,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association  Press, 

1950). 

ELLIS,  ALBERT,  The  Folklore  of  Sex  (New  York:  Boni,  1951). 
FISHBEIN,  MORRIS,  AND  BURGESS,  ERNEST,  EDS.,  Successful  Marriage  (Garden 

City:  Doubleday,  1947),  Part  I,  chaps.  5,  6;  Part  II,  chaps.  1-3,  5. 
GROVES,  ERNEST;  GROVES,  GLADYS;  AND  GROVES,  CATHERINE,  Sex  Fulfillment 

in  Marriage  (New  York:  Emerson  Books,  1942). 
HIMES,  NORMAN,  Your  Marriage:  A  Guide  to  Happiness  (New  York:  Rine- 

hart,  1940). 
KLING,  SAMUEL,  AND  KLiNG,  ESTHER,  EDS.,  The  Marriage  Reader  (New  York: 

Vanguard,  1947),  Part  Seven. 
LANDIS,  JUDSON,  AND  LANDis,  MARY,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage  (New 

York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  11. 

MAGOUN,  F.  ALEXANDER,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948), 
Chap.  9. 

ROCK,  JOHN,  AND  LOTH,  DAVID,  Voluntary  Parenthood  (New  York:  Random 
House,  1949). 


126  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

STOKES,  WALTER,  Modern  Pattern  for  Marriage  (New  York:  Rinehart,  1948), 

chaps.  3-6. 
STONE,  HANNAH,  AND  STONE,  ABRAHAM,  A  Marriage  Manual  (New  York: 

Simon  &  Schuster,  1952,  revised). 
VAN  DE  VELDE,  T.  H.,  Ideal  Marriage:  Its  Physiology  and  Technique  (New 

York:  Covici  Friede,  1937). 

Technical  References 

DICKINSON,  ROBERT,  Atlas  of  Human  Sex  Anatomy  (New  York:  Williams 
and  Wilkins,  1949). 

FORD,  CLELLAN,  AND  BEACH,  FRANK,  Patterns  of  Sexual  Behavior  (New  York: 
Harper,  1951). 

KINSEY,  ALFRED;  POMEROY,  WARDELL;  AND  MARTIN,  CLYDE,  Sexual  Behavior 
in  the  Human  Male  (Philadelphia:  Saunders,  1948). 

LANDIS,  CARNEY,  AND  OTHERS,  Sex  in  Development  (New  York:  Paul  Hoeber, 
1940). 

MENNINGER,  WILLIAM,  "Sexual  Aspects  of  Marriage,"  in  Program  Notes 
Third  Annual  Scientific  Assembly,  American  Academy  of  General  Prac- 
tice, 406  West  34th  St.,  Kansas  City,  Mo.  (T.  E.  Rardin,  M.D.,  ed., 
1951),  pp.  9-13. 

POTTER,  EDITH,  Fundamentals  of  Human  Reproduction  (New  York: 
McGraw-Hill,  1948). 


CHAPTER  SEVEN 


"Everything  that's  fun  is  either  illegal,  immoral,  or  fattening!" 


DOES  MORALITY  MAKE  SENSE? 


Are  your  love  affairs  anyone's  business  but  your  own? 

What  is  conscience? 

Why  are  there  so  many  rules  about  sex  relations? 
Can  you  have  fun  if  you  are  good? 


<0^/OROTHY  is 


A  LOVELY  BRUNETTE  OF  NINETEEN,  AND  BILL  IS 

a  medical  student  in  his  second  year  of  medicine.  They  have  been  en- 
gaged for  four  months,  and  Dorothy  wants  to  get  married  right  away. 
She  claims  she  will  be  no  financial  liability  to  Bill  because  her  job  at 
the  hospital  will  continue  whether  she  is  married  or  not.  The  major 
obstacle  in  the  way  is  the  adamant  objection  of  Bill's  parents.  They 
are  convinced  that  Dorothy  and  Bill  are  too  young  and  have  refused 
flatly  to  continue  any  further  support  to  Bill  in  his  medical  school  edu- 
cation if  he  marries  now. 

Bill  somehow  can't  see  the  need  for  marriage  right  now,  not  for  what 
they  want  anyway.  His  arguments  have  become  so  plausible  that  he  is 
beginning  to  believe  in  them  himself  —  there  are  other  medical  students 
in  the  same  boat,  and  they  have  managed  to  wink  at  the  sex  codes  with- 
out being  struck  down.  Dorothy  and  Bill  are  coming  to  a  crossroads 
for  which  they  are  unprepared. 

Many  of  Dorothy's  friends  in  their  heated  discussions  claim  that  the 
world  has  changed  and  that  people  have  to  change  to  fit  the  new  life. 
When  your  friends,  people  who  should  know,  people  who  are  up  to  date 
in  their  thinking,  talk  that  way  it  makes  you  wonder.  One  of  the  most 
telling  arguments  is  that  no  one  would  know. .  In  a  big  city  you  can 
gain  anonymity  in  a  matter  of  five  minutes'  walk  from  your  home,  and 
your  behavior  is  strictly  a  private  affair. 


130  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Dorothy  has  been  taught  all  her  life  that  sex  intercourse  is  best  saved 
for  marriage,  because  it  is  so  much  more  enjoyable  then.  Her  quandary 
is  very  real,  and  she  resolves  to  write  her  brother  who  is  in  graduate 
school.  He  has  always  listened  to  her  without  blame  whenever  she  has 
done  anything  shocking.  He  will  give  her  problem  an  unbiased  ap- 
praisal even  though  he  is  her  brother.  She  poses  four  provocative  ques- 
tions for  him  to  answer: 

1  People  in  other  countries  aren't  so  strict;  why  should  I  be? 

2  I've  crossed  the  line  and  recrossed  it  in  my  thoughts;  why  should  it  be  any 
worse  to  do  it  with  my  person? 

3  It's  my  life,  and  if  I  choose  to  be  unhappy,  isn't  that  my  own  business? 

4  How  can  you  tell  anything's  good  or  bad  without  trying  it? 

We  quote  with  permission  excerpts  from  the  brother's  response: 

You  know,  my  dear,  that  you've  hit  upon  a  very  important  and  compli- 
cated problem  there,  a  problem  on  which  I  certainly  do  not  feel  myself  com- 
petent to  make  any  definite  pronouncements,  but  one  which  must  be  de- 
cided eventually  by  yourself,  in  the  solitude  and  perhaps  loneliness  of  your 
own  mind.  .  .  . 

I  think  that  probably  the  most  important  point  against  any  such  course 
of  action  as  you  apparently  contemplate  is  one  which  you  yourself  men- 
tioned when  you  wrote  that  it's  probably  fear  of  having  to  live  with  yourself 
afterward  that's  holding  you  back.  I  can't  stress  too  much  how  important 
that  is.  Whatever  we  might  like  to  see  our  society  become,  the  fact  remains 
that  as  it  is  today,  it  makes  no  provision  for  sex  relationships  outside  of  mar- 
riage. ''Well,"  you'll  probably  say,  "that's  an  old-fashioned  idea,  and  to 
heck  with  it!"  That's  all  very  well,  but  when  you  kick  that  overboard,  you 
also  dismiss  many  other  things  which  you  very  likely  can't  get  along  very 
well  without.  You  at  one  stroke  alienate  yourself  from  the  larger  group, 
from  your  past  training,  from  your  ideals  and  values  as  they  used  to  be,  from 
your  parents,  and  often  from  your  friends.  You  say  that  the  line  is  so  slen- 
der that  you  wonder  that  you  haven't  crossed  and  recrossed  it  many  times, 
but  you  miss  the  important  point,  that  that  is  one  line  which  crossed  can 
never  be  recrossed. 

It's  true  that  your  friends  may  never  know,  that  your  parents  may  con- 
tinue in  blissful  ignorance,  that  the  group  may  never  discover  you;  but  the 
truth  of  the  matter  is  that  it's  really  impossible  to  separate  yourself  from  the 
group,  because  from  one  standpoint  you  are  the  group,  and  the  group  is  you. 
All  the  past  training  that  you've  had  all  your  life  has  been  dictated  in  large 
measure  by  the  standards  of  the  group;  your  mind  to  a  large  extent  contains, 
not  things  you  have  thought  up  by  yourself,  but  things  that  the  group  has 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  131 

thought  up  for  you,  and  made  part  of  your  very  being.  On  the  other  hand, 
it  is  you  and  the  many  others  like  you  that  uphold  and  continue  the  tradi- 
tions of  the  society  and  make  social  life  possible.  However,  just  because  you 
are,  in  a  sense,  society,  you  cannot  feel  free  to  break  loose  from  it,  for  you 
are  not  all  of  society.  .  .  .  What  I  mean  here  is  that  it's  not  necessary  for 
your  actions  to  be  made  public  in  order  for  them  to  be  made  unpleasant. 
It's  the  rare  person  (if,  indeed,  there  can  ever  be  such  a  person)  who  is  able 
to  tear  himself  away  from  social  standards  so  entirely  that  he  is  able  to  avoid 
punishing  himself  when  he  breaks  a  social  rule. 

That  is  what  would  happen  to  you.  With  reasonable  care  you  would 
probably  not  be  found  out  —  anyhow,  not  for  some  time.  By  the  exercise  of 
reasonable  precautions,  you  would  probably  not  become  pregnant  —  though 
even  the  best  contraceptives  are  far  from  being  perfect.  But  —  you  would 
find  yourself  out,  and  you  would  find  that  you  were  worrying  quite  a  bit 
about  becoming  pregnant,  if  not  this  time,  then  the  next.  The  main  thing, 
however,  is  that  you  yourself  would  know  what  you  were  doing,  and  would 
feel  very  guilty  about  the  whole  thing.  You  would  punish  yourself  with  the 
fear  of  discovery,  and  with  the  realization  that,  in  our  society,  you  were  do- 
ing something  that,  rightly  or  wrongly,  is  considered  wrong.  You  might  not 
analyze  the  situation  in  this  manner,  but  you  would  have  a  vague,  ever  pres- 
ent, gnawing  feeling  of  guilt,  and  you  would  most  certainly  not  be  happy. 

There  are  two  things  you  might  answer  to  this.  One  is,  Why  should  this 
be  so,  when  in  other  societies  such  premarital  relations  are  permitted?  An- 
other is  that  after  all  it's  your  life,  and  if  you  choose  to  be  unhappy  for 
awhile,  well,  nobody's  the  loser  but  yourself. 

The  first  is  the  fallacy  of  moral  relativism,  and  it's  really  another  way  of 
putting  what  I've  been  saying  all  along.  It's  all  right  to  do  such  things  in 
other  societies  because  they're  organized  along  those  lines.  No  social  sanc- 
tions are  attached  to  such  behavior;  provision  is  often  made  for  any  children 
which  may  result,  and  the  whole  matter  is  aboveboard  and  recognized. 
Moreover,  even  in  such  a  sexual  paradise  as  the  Marquesas  Islands,  the  peo- 
ple have  found  it  necessary  to  make  promiscuity  a  condition  of  a  compen- 
sating factor  —  the  absence  of  romance.  In  these  islands,  where  almost  com- 
plete freedom  is  the  rule,  the  children  are  brought  up  from  the  cradle  with 
the  idea  that  to  form  permanent  and  very  personal  attachments  is  wrong. 
These  people  have  found  it  necessary  to  frown  on  exclusiveness  and  jealousy 
as  much  as  we  frown  on  philandering.  It's  almost  like  action  and  reaction, 
force  and  distance,  in  physics.  It's  a  seesaw.  If  you  get  one  thing,  you  have 
to  sacrifice  something  else. 

The  second  idea,  that  you're  not  hurting  anybody  but  yourself,  is  just 
not  so.  It's  true  that  you're  over  eighteen,  and  that  therefore,  by  our  some- 
what peculiar  laws,  your  body  is  your  own  to  bestow  on  whom  you  wish,  but 
the  assumption  behind  this  custom  is  that  by  the  age  of  eighteen  the  social 
patterns  are  so  deeply  ingrained  in  your  mind  that  you  will  act  in  accord 
with  society's  expectations.  And  if  you  try  to  fool  society  by  not  acting  as  it 


132  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

expects,  the  repercussions  will  affect  not  only  you,  but  all  those  about  you, 
and  not  only  the  you  of  the  present,  but  quite  possibly  the  you  of  the  future. 
For  after  all,  if  you  begin  to  worry  and  to  feel  guilty  your  family  will  notice 
it,  and  they  will  worry.  They  will  ask  embarrassing  questions  which  you  will 
be  unable  to  answer,  so  you  will  evade  them  or  else  lie,  and  the  evasion  will 
make  you  worry  more,  and  the  lie  will  make  you  feel  even  more  guilty.  And 
not  only  your  family,  but  your  friends  will  notice  your  nervousness  and  your 
short  temper  and  your  little  jumps  and  starts  at  inconsequential  things,  and 
they  will  wonder  about  you  and  worry  also,  and  everything  they  do  or  say 
will  make  you  wonder  whether  maybe  they  haven't  found  out,  so  you  will 
begin  to  avoid  them,  and  become  even  more  unhappy,  as  they  will  too. 

Moreover,  an  unpleasant  experience  of  this  sort  will  leave  its  psychologi- 
cal mark  on  you  for  the  rest  of  your  life.  The  sex  act  is  one  of  the  most 
personal  and  intimate  acts  which  a  man  and  woman  can  share  together,  and 
if  it  is  done  in  secret  and  in  haste,  it  is  very  likely,  for  that  very  reason,  to  be 
unpleasant,  to  lack  its  full  meaning,  and  to  make  the  whole  business  of  sex 
a  source  of  fear  and  disgust.  This  sort  of  attitude  could  very  easily  carry 
over  into  your  married  life  and  make  it,  too,  unpleasant  and  repugnant,  and 
prevent  you  from  truly  enjoying  what  you  have  every  right  to  expect.  .  .  . 
There  are  some  things  in  life  that  it's  too  dangerous  to  try,  just  for  the  sake 
of  experience,  and  sex  intercourse  before  marriage  is  one  of  them. 

Don't  get  me  wrong,  dear,  I  realize  that  sex  is  fun  —  up  to  a  point  —  but 
I  feel  that  when  it  comes  to  intercourse,  the  possible  consequences  are  too 
dangerous  to  be  played  with  in  a  lighthearted  manner. 

There  Are  No  Immoral  Societies 

One  of  the  most  frequently  heard  justifications  for  premarital  sex  activ- 
ity today  by  the  set  who  describe  themselves  as  "emancipated"  is  that 
our  customs  are  unduly  restrictive,  and  that  since  other  people  are  not 
so  strict  there  is  no  good  reason  for  our  own  standards  of  chastity.  Sto- 
ries of  the  bliss  of  the  South  Sea  Islanders  still  sell  well,  and  the  movies 
continue  to  exploit  the  selfsame  fiction.  The  popularity  of  the  movies 
of  the  South  Seas  is  probably  derived  from  the  life  of  irresponsibility  and 
of  minimum  regulation  which  they  picture,  a  dream  world  which  corre- 
sponds in  part  with  the  average  man's  inner  fantasies.  These  pictures 
are  highly  inaccurate  portrayals  of  life  among  the  primitives,  whose 
regulations  and  taboos  often  outnumber  our  own. 

In  every  society  sex  conduct  is  regulated  as  part  of  the  total  system 
of  family  behavior.  None  have  yet  been  studied  in  which  absolute 
promiscuity  is  encouraged  and  supported  by  the  moral  codes.  All  hu- 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  133 

man  groups  have  regularized  the  relationships  between  men  and  women 
and  have  placed  some  limits  to  the  sex  conduct  of  their  members. 

Those  who  talk  about  the  sexual  paradise  of  the  primitives  are  usu- 
ally persons  with  little  or  no  knowledge  of  the  total  culture  in  question. 
Unless  one  has  had  the  actual  experience  of  living  in  another  society 
with  the  serious  intention  of  learning  its  intricacies,  it  is  difficult  to  ap- 
preciate the  extent  to  which  the  sex  mores  are  woven  into  the  warp  and 
woof  of  the  culture.  The  particular  ideals  of  what  constitutes  correct 
sex  behavior  are  part  of  a  design  for  living  within  a  particular  society.1 

The  relative  rigidity  and  laxity  of  control  with  respect  to  premarital 
sex  conduct  make  sense  in  terms  of  the  history  of  the  group  and  the  way 
other  aspects  of  life  are  regulated.  Where  extramarital  relations  are 
condoned  there  is  provision  for  the  offspring  of  these  unions,  an  ar- 
rangement we  don't  have  in  our  society.  The  unmarried  mother  has 
status,  and  her  child  is  not  discriminated  against  because  of  his  moth- 
er's extramarital  conduct. 


What  Does  It  Mean  to  Go  Primitive? 

Most  of  us  do  not  have  the  alternative  of  spending  the  rest  of  our  lives 
among  peoples  known  as  primitives.  We  can,  however,  utilize  the  find- 
ings of  anthropologists  to  place  our  own  society  in  the  mosaic  made  by 
all  societies.  Ours  is  a  restrictive  society  with  regard  to  sex  conduct,  but 
we  are  by  no  means  the  only  society  to  place  bans  on  promiscuous  sex 
expression.  In  a  recent  sampling  of  the  several  hundred  societies  which 
dot  the  world,  literate  and  nonliterate,  ancient  and  modern,  George 
Murdock  tabulated  from  the  files  of  the  Cross-Cultural  Index  of  Yale 
University  one  expression  of  restrictiveness  and  permissiveness;  namely, 
the  normative  patterns  regarding  premarital  relations.  He  reports  that 
nonincestuous  premarital  relations  are  fully  permitted  in  50  per  cent  of 
the  societies,  conditionally  approved  in  20  per  cent,  and  forbidden  in 
about  30  per  cent.  Many  of  the  most  populous  societies  fall  in  the 
"forbidding"  category.2 

There  are  actually  many  societies  which  are  stricter  than  our  own 

1  Scudder  Mekeel,  "Preliterate  Family  Patterns,"  in  Howard  Becker  and  Reu- 
ben Hill,  eds.,  Marriage  and  the  Family  (Boston:  Heath,  1942),  p.  55. 

2  George  P.  Murdock,  Social  Structure  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1949),  p.  265. 


134  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

with  regard  to  sex  conduct.  Relatively  speaking,  present-day  Americans 
enjoy  considerable  sex  freedom.  Viewing  our  position  from  the  per- 
spective given  by  history,  we  see  that  there  have  been  societies  anteced- 
ent to  our  own  which  were  much  more  restrictive,  i.e.,  Puritan  New 
England  or,  more  recently,  the  Victorian  era  in  England  and  in  America. 

How  can  we  account  for  the  apparent  permissiveness  among  some  so- 
cieties? What  appears  to  be  illicit  behavior  from  our  standpoint  is  re- 
garded as  perfectly  correct  conduct  by  the  members  of  these  societies. 
Nevertheless  there  are  regulations  which  control  premarital  relations. 
There  are  rules  of  etiquette  governing  the  proper  times  and  places,  and 
means  of  negotiation.  But  the  purpose  of  these  institutionalized  rules 
governing  courtship  is  not  to  restrict  sexual  access  so  much  as  to  regu- 
larize it.  Take,  for  example,  the  Marquesas  Islands,  which  some  observ- 
ers have  termed  the  sexual  paradise  of  the  South  Seas.  On  these  en- 
chanting isles  it  has  been  necessary,  in  order  to  prevent  open  strife 
among  promiscuous  males,  to  repress  all  feelings  of  tenderness  and  overt 
jealousy.  Otherwise  the  society  would  break  up  from  the  violence  of 
competition  and  conflict  for  women.  From  birth,  the  Marquesan  child 
is  never  once  allowed  to  experience  feelings  of  tenderness,  of  belonging 
to  someone  who  is  dear  to  him.  Children  are  weaned  as  early  as  pos- 
sible. Food  is  thrust  into  their  mouths  without  the  loving  and  fondling 
that  is  characteristic  in  our  society.  Children  are  never  picked  up  and 
kissed,  and  as  a  result,  when  they  mature  no  tenderness  seems  to  be  ex- 
pected or  given  in  adult  love  relations.  In  such  a  society  there  is  little 
manifestation  of  jealousy  even  in  the  face  of  frequent  sharing  of  partners. 
The  price  of  institutionalized  premarital  relationships  in  the  Marquesas 
Islands  is  the  absence  of  romance,  exclusiveness,  and  the  privilege  of 
jealously  protecting  one's  beloved  from  alien  seducers. 

In  America  we  live  in  a  restrictive  culture  which  maximizes  compan- 
ionship of  the  sexes  socially  and  intellectually  but  restricts  sexual  inti- 
macies to  married  couples.  Jealousy  and  strife  are  minimized  by  insist- 
ing upon  continence  before  marriage  and  marital  fidelity  to  one  partner 
after  marriage.  This  enables  us  to  maintain  tenderness  as  an  integral 
part  of  our  love  life  and  makes  possible  possessiveness  among  lovers.  It 
is  important  to  us  in  America  to  have  and  to  hold,  exclusively,  some 
one  person.  Our  heights  of  romantic  ardor  are  built  out  of  the  obstacles 
placed  in  our  way  by  the  restrictions  of  the  sex  codes.  We  have  been 
reared  to  expect  tenderness  and  romance  in  our  love  life  and  are  unpre- 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  135 

pared  for  sex  relations  without  genuine  intimacy.  Over  the  years  a 
moral  code  meeting  these  specifications  has  been  formulated  and  has 
proved  relatively  workable.  That  code  is  monogamous  marriage  —  one 
man  for  one  woman  —  at  a  time. 


How  Conscience  Develops 

Conscience  develops  out  of  childhood  learnings  from  parents,  playmates, 
and  other  teachers.  Because  these  builders  of  conscience  were  limited 
to  our  society  in  their  own  childhood,  we  too  are  taught  only  the  right 
ways  of  this  same  society.  Any  person  with  any  bringing  up  at  all  has 
been  so  effectively  taught  the  characteristic  do's  and  don't's  of  his  group 
that  he  is  unable  to  experiment  with  any  complacency  with  the  customs 
of  another  society.  To  do  so  would  violate  his  own  conscience.  Let's 
see  why. 

Conscience  is  built  during  the  most  impressionable  years.  The  teach- 
ings which  make  up  conscience  are  imposed  upon  the  child  when  he  is 
powerless  and  helpless  to  object,  at  a  stage  in  his  development  when  he 
is  most  plastic  and  receptive  and  before  he  can  verbalize  his  thoughts 
into  rational  form.  Conscience  is  rooted  into  the  nonverbal,  feeling 
layers  of  personality.  The  result  is  that  he  accepts  the  doctrines  with- 
out argument,  and  they  remain  with  him  into  adulthood  to  guide  him 
when  he  deviates  from  the  paths  described  as  desirable  in  childhood. 
He  learns  that  he  can't  argue  with  his  conscience.  He  has  strong  feel- 
ings that  some  things  ought  to  be  done  and  strong  feelings  that  some 
things  ought  not  to  be  done,  and  that's  all  there  is  to  it. 

Why  should  the  child  become  set  so  soon  about  moral  questions? 
In  the  first  place,  parents  react  more  strongly  about  moral  than  secular 
questions  because  they  too  have  consciences  with  which  they  can't 
argue.  Parents  are  after  all  children  older  grown,  and  they  communi- 
cate their  negative  feelings  to  their  own  offspring  whenever  the  little 
rascals  violate  one  of  the  social  conventions.  In  the  second  place,  there 
is  more  likelihood  that  punishment  and  unpleasantness  will  accompany 
violation  of  the  moral  codes.  The  child  comes  to  recognize  that  the  all- 
wise  parents  feel  especially  negative  about  moral  indiscretions.  Finally, 
the  child  may  connect  the  moral  learnings  with  the  satisfaction  of  his 
basic  needs  of  hunger,  thirst,  affection,  and  security.  Powerless  as  he  is, 
he  must  accept  what  he  hears,  or  so  he  imagines,  lest  he  risk  the  loss  of 


136  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

these  vital  satisfactions.  This  threat  is  enough  to  bring  the  most  recal- 
citrant into  line. 

The  genius  of  the  conscience  is  that,  once  it  is  established  in  a  child, 
the  immediate  presence  of  the  parent  is  no  longer  necessary  to  control 
him.  Inhibitions  are  built  up  to  such  an  extent  that  uneasiness  may 
accompany  violation  of  parental  teachings,  even  if  the  act  is  not  de- 
tected. Knowledge  that  the  act  is  condemned  and  that  the  individual 
may  be  brought  to  task  at  some  time  is  sufficient  to  support  the  ideal  of 
correct  conduct. 

It  is  in  the  many  informal  family  situations  that  we  see  the  process 
of  conscience  formation  most  clearly  at  work.  Drop  in  on  any  family 
meal  for  a  picture  of  moral  training  in  action.  Questions  are  asked,  an- 
swered, or  evaded  in  turn.  Significant  for  all  are  the  topics  meticulously 
avoided,  as  well  as  those  assiduously  discussed.  Bossard's  study  of  fam- 
ily table  talk  shows  the  effectiveness  of  the  family  in  moral  instruction: 

Helen,  aged  twelve,  tells  of  a  neighbor's  child,  that  proverbial  and  peren- 
nial scapegoat.  Father,  who  is  envious  of  the  neighboring  father's  business 
success,  expresses  himself  freely  concerning  the  conduct  of  his  daughter. 
Mother,  who  dislikes  the  neighboring  mother,  is  equally  heated.  Helen, 
without  understanding  the  motives  involved,  is  quite  impressed.  The  neigh- 
boring girl's  conduct  was  reprehensible.  .  .  . 

.  .  .  many  of  the  lessons  of  the  family  meal  ...  are  unplanned  and 
spontaneous.  "Katie  kissed  John,"  pipes  up  the  well-known  little  brother, 
and  in  the  wake  of  his  disclosure  may  follow  either  an  eloquent  silence,  or  a 
colorful  discussion  concerning  kissing,  John's  intentions,  John's  job,  Katie's 
prospects,  and  mother's  attitude  toward  early  marriages.  These  are  ... 
common  grist  in  the  family  round-the-table  mill,  as  it  grinds,  now  slowly, 
now  rapidly,  but  always  exceedingly  fine.8 

,  The  conscience  is  built  largely  out  of  these  experiences  in  informal 
living.  The  family  is  the  first  society  in  which  the  child  is  taught  to 
live,  and  it  in  turn  fulfills  the  obligation  of  inducting  him  into  the  larger 
group.  The  development  of  conscience  is  the  family's  device  for  en- 
suring the  child's  preparation  for  full-fledged  participation  in  society. 

As  the  child  enters  adolescence,  the  peer  culture  becomes  more  and 
more  important  in  modifying  conscience  and  determining  approved  be- 
havior. The  do's  and  don'ts  of  childhood  are  devalued  as  "corny"  and 
good  enough  for  children  but  unsuitable  for  grown-up  young  people. 

8  James  H.  S.  Bossard,  "Family  Table  Talk  —  An  Area  for  Sociological  Study," 
American  Sociological  Review  (June,  1943),  p.  299. 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  137 

Keeping  clean,  paying  attention  to  manners,  and  watching  language  are 
not  as  important  to  companions  as  to  parents.  Telling  dirty  jokes  and 
painting  washroom  pictures  are  ways  of  defying  elders.  The  most  strik- 
ing characteristic  of  this  peer  culture  in  adolescence  is  the  approval  given 
to  the  members  who  take  risks,  who  flout  conventions,  who  defy  par- 
ents and  teachers  and  other  authorities.  The  conscience  of  the  child 
wrestles  with  the  prodding  of  the  peers  who  see  in  the  flouting  of  con- 
science evidence  of  their  new-found  independence. 

In  most  cases  the  conscience  wins  the  battle,  because  the  peer  cul- 
ture of  the  next  older  set  is  more  approving  of  moral  behavior.  The 
members  of  that  set  have  found  that  they  don't  necessarily  have  to 
flout  the  conventions  to  be  accepted  as  adults.  On  the  contrary,  they 
perceive  that  one  of  the  differences  which  distinguish  them  from  ado- 
lescents is  their  more  ready  acceptance  of  the  societal  codes.  With 
some  pride  this  older  set,  now  readying  itself  for  marriage,  incorporates 
some  of  the  values  and  vested  interests  of  the  larger  adult  culture. 
Thereafter  the  sets  in  which  the  maturing  person  travels  become  in- 
creasingly conservative,  and  the  members  support  and  pass  on  the  moral 
codes  to  others  as  their  parents  have  before  them. 


How  Conscience  Works 

How  does  conscience  work  and  how  can  you  tell  whether  yours  is  well 
developed?  Take  the  case  of  Jim  R.  who  was  reared  in  a  good  family  in 
the  Middle  West.  He  has  been  produced  in  a  certain  mold  and  is  not 
entirely  free,  therefore,  to  make  his  own  choice  with  regard  to  sex  con- 
duct. One  evening  on  a  dare  he  violated  the  code  of  decency  by  ap- 
pearing at  a  formal  dancing  party  clad  only  in  swimming  trunks  and 
dress  shoes.  As  he  approached  the  dance  floor  from  his  car  he  sensed 
the  pounding  of  his  pulses,  the  increased  heartbeat,  and  the  tingling  of 
his  skin.  Physiologically  his  condition  was  one  of  greatly  increased  cir- 
culation. Psychologically  he  displayed  agitation,  mortification,  and  self- 
consciousness  as  the  full  import  of  his  actions  flashed  before  him.  He 
spent  very  little  time  on  the  dance  floor,  because  he  sensed  that  every- 
one was  looking  his  way;  and  he  was  so  hot  and  uncomfortable  that  he 
thought  he  would  suffocate.  He  finally  fled  from  the  place  to  escape 
what  proved  to  be  an  intolerable  situation.  Conscience  supported  by 
societal  disapproval  proved  his  undoing. 


138  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

In  many  ways  Jim's  attitudes  toward  what  is  right  and  wrong  with 
regard  to  marriage  are  also  so  deeply  ingrained  by  the  time  he  gets  to 
the  marrying  age  that  he  cannot  violate  them  without  painful  emo- 
tional reactions.  However  strongly  he  may  feel  intellectually  about  a 
"freer"  sex  life,  he  can  do  little  about  this  conscience  of  his.  He  is  un- 
able to  go  safely  far  beyond  his  emotional  reactions  of  guilt,  which  are 
visible  in  his  bodily  manifestations  in  the  form  of  blushing,  headaches, 
nervousness,  sleeplessness,  indigestion,  nausea,  and  similar  expressions 
of  malaise.  Parents,  teachers,  ministers,  and  now  his  associates  have 
done  their  work  so  well  that  Jim  cannot  violate  their  teachings  even  in 
their  absence.  The  codes  have  now  become  a  part  of  his  thinking,  and 
very  shortly  he  will  be  a  party  to  indoctrinating  his  own  children  with 
similar  convictions  as  he  takes  on  the  responsibilities  of  parent  and 
adult. 

Of  such  stuff  is  conscience  made.  You  may  start  with  an  untamed, 
undomesticated  potential  rebel  at  birth,  but  if  he  lives  long  enough  and 
the  conditioning  is  effective  enough  he  will  turn  out  to  be  a  conserva- 
tive conformist  like  Jim  R.  To  Jim,  morality  will  increasingly  make 
sense,  because  it  is  the  only  comfortable  alternative  open  to  him. 


Ethical  Judgment 

Our  discussion  so  far  tends  to  give  us  a  wholesome  respect  for  the  moral 
codes  of  our  society  and  for  the  vehicle  which  carries  those  codes  in  us, 
namely,  conscience.  Is  it  sufficient  to  have  a  good  working  knowledge 
of  the  moral  codes  and  a  well-developed  conscience?  Are  these  suffi- 
cient bases  for  conduct?  The  teaching  of  ethics  would  be  greatly  sim- 
plified if  these  questions  could  be  answered  in  the  affirmative. 

Conscience  works  well  when  faced  with  familiar  problems,  but 
given  new  and  complex  situations  it  is  frequently  ineffective  in  provid- 
ing the  answers.  And  in  a  rapidly  changing  society  the  average  individ- 
ual is  constantly  meeting  new  situations  for  which  the  conscience  pro- 
vides no  ready-made  solutions.  Moreover,  reference  to  the  moral  codes 
is  useless,  because  unique  cases  are  not  covered  there.  In  addition  to  a 
working  knowledge  of  the  moral  codes  and  a  well-developed  conscience, 
then,  ethical  judgment  is  needed,  the  ability  to  size  up  the  new  situa- 
tion and  perceive  which  of  the  available  alternatives  is  least  bad.  This 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  139 

decision  needs  to  be  based  on  the  recognition  of  the  consequences 
which  would  follow  the  proposed  behaviors.  The  individual  employs 
reflection  to  follow  out  in  his  mind  the  results  of  each  course  of  action. 
He  attempts  to  answer  the  question,  Which  of  the  proposed  courses  of 
action  will  least  hurt  the  parties  concerned? 

The  appeal  merely  to  the  conscience  is  not  likely  to  be  permanently 
satisfactory,  therefore,  because  the  conscience  is  based  more  on  child- 
hood indoctrinations  than  on  adult  experiences.  Emotionally  trained 
to  approve  some  actions  and  to  disapprove  others,  we  are  unable  to 
learn  through  conscience  why  the  action  is  ethical  and  right.  The  de- 
sire to  do  the  right  thing  is  no  guarantee  of  understanding  about  what 
is  right.4 

Moreover,  life  in  shifting,  changing  America  is  so  complex  that  we 
are  frequently  faced  with  the  choice  of  alternatives  no  single  one  of 
which  is  altogether  satisfactory  from  the  standpoint  of  conscience.  Ethi- 
cal judgment  must  be  added  to  conscience  to  select  the  alternative  ac- 
tion which  is  least  bad  and  most  ethical.  For  example,  is  it  right  to 
steal  a  revolver  from  a  friend  who  would  otherwise  commit  suicide 
with  it? 

Until  recently  young  people  in  our  society  needed  only  conscience 
to  tell  them  what  was  correct  behavior,  at  least  in  the  area  of  sex  rela- 
tions. Today  many  young  people  are  entering  adulthood  with  the  ne- 
cessity of  answering  for  themselves  whether  they  will  remain  continent 
until  marriage  or  include  sexual  experimentation  in  their  premarital 
learnings.  No  longer  can  one's  guide  be  conscience  alone.  Added  to  it 
must  go  insight  into  the  consequences  of  premarital  experimentation, 
into  its  effects  upon  personality  and  on  the  future  of  the  relationship. 
The  responsibility  for  these  decisions  is  too  great  to  place  on  young  peo- 
ple until  they  are  thoroughly  informed.  Young  people  acquire  insight 
by  learning  the  consequences  of  deviant  behavior,  the  results  of  promis- 
cuous relations,  and  the  need  for  permanency  to  achieve  a  satisfying 
relation.  Happily,  one  of  the  helpful  outcomes  of  the  relaxation  of  the 
sex  mores  has  been  the  lifting  of  the  ban  on  discussion  of  sex  and  sex 
problems.  Frank  discussion  of  moral  problems  and  enrollment  in  mar- 
riage education  courses  can  provide  young  people  with  a  picture  of  the 

*  Harold  H.  Titus,  Ethics  for  Today  (New  York:  American  Book  Company, 
1936),  pp.  18-20. 


140  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

consequences  of  behavior  which,  on  the  rational  level,  can  supplement 
the  conscience,  which  is  on  the  emotional  level,  as  an  important  guide 
to  conduct. 

A  famous  physician,  wise  in  the  ways  of  sexually  disturbed  people, 
recently  pointed  out  the  principles  of  sex  morality  in  a  question-answer 
session  with  several  hundred  students  in  a  marriage  class.  He  had  been 
asked  the  question:  "Is  it  all  right  to  pet  if  you  think  you  are  in  love?" 
His  answer  appeared  directed  toward  the  boys  of  the  class:  "I  would  say 
you  should  be  able  to  answer  the  following  questions:  Is  it  genuine, 
this  affection?  Is  it  fair  to  the  girl  in  the  long  run?  Are  you  hurting 
yourselves  emotionally  by  building  up  appetites  you  can  satisfy  only  in 
marriage?  I  find  that  patients  who  come  to  me  for  help  are  dispropor- 
tionately drawn  from  individuals  who  were  promiscuous  before  mar- 
riage. An  act  is  right  if  it  makes  for  the  development  of  personality 
and  human  welfare;  an  act  is  wrong  if  it  leads  to  the  destruction  of  hu- 
man personality.  Sex  is  powerful,  but  neutral,  neither  good  nor  bad; 
how  it  is  used  makes  it  right  or  wrong.  With  this  start  I  feel  you  should 
be  able  to  construct  the  type  of  situations  in  which  petting  would  be  all 
right  and  the  situations  in  which  it  would  be  wrong/' 


Emancipation:  Freedom  to  Grow 

One  of  the  great  values  of  our  society  is  freedom,  but  all  too  frequently 
it  has  been  construed  as  freedom  from  tyranny,  from  regulation,  from 
restrictive  covenants,  rather  than  freedom  to  do  creative  work,  to  achieve 
new  goals.  Are  the  moral  codes  too  restrictive?  Do  they  "keep  love  in 
fetters"? 

Our  thesis  is  that  self-realization  and  freedom  to  grow  lie  in  the  di- 
rection of  moral  living,  that  the  person  in  our  society  who  enjoys  the 
greatest  freedom  is  one  who  knows  the  demands  of  the  social  order  and 
uses  them  to  free  himself  for  creative  activity. 

First,  it  is  an  accepted  fact  that  habit  is  the  great  conservator  of  hu- 
man energy.  Deviation  from  the  norms  of  morality,  for  example,  is  a 
departure  from  routine  and  exposes  the  person  to  increasing  nervous 
strain:  he  has  new  decisions  to  make  and  an  uncharted  course.  Con- 
science, moreover,  acts  as  a  guide  to  warn  whether  such  and  such  be- 
havior is  acceptable  or  reprehensible  in  the  eyes  of  other  people.  It  is 
not  designed  to  shackle  but  to  guide  behavior,  to  enable  a  person  to 


DOES   MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  141 

maintain  his  status,  his  reputation,  and  his  friends.  To  lack  conscience 
or  to  ignore  it  almost  inevitably  results  in  loss  of  freedom,  for  officers  of 
the  law,  or  lesser  authorities  fully  as  powerful,  such  as  employers,  teach- 
ers, or  neighbors,  enforce  the  regulations  of  our  social  order.  Whether 
it  is  right  or  wrong  so  to  restrict  an  individual's  behavior  is  not  an  idle 
question.  In  order  to  preserve  a  measure  of  social  harmony,  society  does 
restrict  him.5 

Freedom  for  the  individual  comes  through  conformity  to  the  traffic 
rules  of  life's  highway.  Violation  of  these  rules  does  not  establish  the 
fact  that  our  rebel  is  free:  he  just  loses  his  driver's  license  through  his 
indiscretion  and  has  to  walk  thereafter.  Violation  of  the  sex  taboos  in- 
creases the  restrictions  on  his  freedom.  Henceforth  he  will  be  even 
more  limited  in  the  girls  he  may  date,  and  he  may  eventually  lose  his 
position  in  the  rating  scale  which  enables  him  to  rate  a  desirable  mar- 
riage partner. 

We  are  all  on  probation,  so  to  speak:  if  we  violate  the  rules  which 
society  has  established  to  ensure  social  harmony,  we  risk  losing  the  privi- 
leges of  the  free  run  of  society.  We  win  our  freedom  to  love  and  work 
and  play  by  demonstrating  our  ability  to  operate  "within  the  grooves" 
without  a  guardian  to  keep  us  in  line. 

Responsive  Integrity 

Another  aspect  of  freedom  is  the  winning  of  unqualified  acceptance  of 
other  persons.  Once  an  individual  recognizes  within  himself  the  ca- 
pacity to  work  with  others  as  persons  rather  than  as  potential  sex  ob- 
jects, he  frees  himself  for  much  wider  and  more  varied  relationships  with 
members  of  the  opposite  sex.  He  sees  the  possibilities  in  exploring  per- 
sonality, in  sharing  points  of  view  and  collaborating  in  creative  work,  all 
of  which  possibilities  are  closed  to  the  person  hampered  by  the  feeling 
that  every  friend  must  be  fondled  and  caressed  to  be  enjoyed. 

The  "wolf"  (male  or  female)  whose  aims  are  sex-directed,  in  contact 
with  any  member  of  the  other  sex,  is  often  not  so  much  sex-starved  as 
he  is  in  need  of  ego-bolstering.  The  girl  who  leads  a  man  on  to  prove 
to  herself  that  she  can,  is  often  so  insecure  as  a  woman  that  she  must 
constantly  prove  to  herself  as  well  as  to  others  that  she  is  desirable.  The 

5  We  have  already  shown  that  the  sex  codes  of  premarital  continence  in  our  so- 
ciety serve  to  minimize  jealousy  and  strife,  pp.  133-134. 


142  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

heart-hunter  usually  collects  conquests  because  he  or  she  needs  evidence 
of  personal  power.  When  satisfactions  outside  of  sex  become  possible, 
a  girl  does  not  need  to  measure  her  success  by  whether  she  got  ''him"  to 
kiss  her  or  not;  the  man  no  longer  requires  physical  submission  as  proof 
of  his  acceptance. 

More  fortunate  are  those  persons  who  are  free  to  know  and  enjoy 
and  to  love  a  wide  variety  of  fine  people  of  both  sexes  in  a  variety  of 
situations,  for  theirs  is  the  love  that  frees  them  for  further  growth  of 
personality.  As  such  emotional  growth  takes  place,  mate  love  is  en- 
hanced rather  than  challenged,  since  the  sex  channeling  of  affection  re- 
mains exclusive  while  the  emotional  responses  grow  richly  inclusive. 
Such  persons  have  what  is  called  responsive  integrity. 

Responsive  integrity  is  the  ability  to  respond  to  another  person  hon- 
estly and  as  a  whole  person  without  having  to  block  off  or  deny  basic 
aspects  of  the  self.  If  we  are  honest  we  must  admit  that  we  find  all 
sorts  of  people  attractive  and  lovable.  The  desire  to  attract  and  be  at- 
tracted to  others  does  not  cease  with  marriage.  Conscience  tells  us  that 
we  belong  exclusively  to  one  mate;  so  the  tendency  to  feel  guilt,  shame, 
and  a  denial  of  our  real  feelings  dams  up  the  out-going  responses.  As 
long  as  this  repression  is  successful  we  cannot  allow  ourselves  to  respond 
honestly  to  others.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  the  emotional  currents  become 
so  strong  that  they  overflow  the  limits  set  by  the  conscience,  they  may 
set  up  a  whole  sequence  of  unacceptable  behavior.  Neither  alternative 
is  wholesome,  since  both  prevent  us  from  responding  as  a  whole;  either 
we  must  deny  our  feelings  of  affection,  or  we  must  break  with  our  own 
ideals  of  right  and  wrong.  Responsive  integrity  enters  in  when  we 
accept  our  feelings  for  others,  when  we  learn  how  to  channel  them  in 
ways  that  are  acceptable,  and  to  enjoy  wholesomely  and  freely  the  emo- 
tional satisfactions  of  our  relations  with  others.  Refusing  to  admit  our 
dislike  or  our  love  for  another  does  not  lessen  the  potency  of  the  feel- 
ing. Repression  only  masks  the  emotion,  which  somehow,  someway, 
must  burst  forth  eventually  with  accumulated  force  and  vigor. 

But  responsive  integrity  does  not  mean  going  around  with  emotions 
unbuttoned,  letting  feelings  spill  over  as  they  will  without  control. 
Necessarily  involved  is  a  great  deal  of  self-imposed  restraint  and  con- 
trol to  keep  expressions  of  feelings  within  the  bounds  of  the  particular 
relationship.  The  gushy  girl  who  fusses  around  her  brother  does  not 
share  as  much  of  him  as  does  the  sister  who  expresses  her  affection  in 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  143 

more  acceptable,  sisterly  ways.  The  touchy  person  who  flies  off  the 
handle  shares  fewer  confidences  than  the  poised,  unshockable  one  with 
whom  people  feel  safe.  Self-control  for  the  sake  of  the  recognized 
values  of  the  relationship  allows  more  freedom  of  access  to  others  than 
is  granted  the  less  disciplined,  who  find  themselves  in  emotional  hot 
water  much  of  the  time. 

Take  Sue  and  Emma,  for  instance.  They  both  admire  and  work 
closely  with  an  attractive  married  man  in  their  office.  Emma  flashes 
her  lashes  and  maneuvers  for  compliments  and  opportunities  to  be  close 
to  him.  She  goes  to  great  lengths  to  let  him  know  that  he  touches  off 
her  affectional  responses.  Yet  she  cannot  win.  If  he  responds  to  her 
advances,  he  will  either  be  turned  away  from  her  by  his  own  feelings  of 
guilt,  or  he  will  take  advantage  of  her  availability  without  the  loyalty 
and  permanence  most  girls  need  to  make  sex  satisfying.  Or  by  com- 
pletely succumbing  to  her  seduction,  he  faces  the  possibility  of  the 
breaking  up  of  his  home,  which  would  inevitably  be  fraught  with  guilt, 
some  ostracism,  and  pangs  of  conscience.  More  likely  he  will  find  her 
advances  uncomfortable  and  take  steps  to  remove  himself  as  far  as  pos- 
sible from  her  silly,  one-sided  flirtation. 

Sue,  on  the  other  hand,  just  as  honestly  admits  her  interest  in  her 
colleague.  But  she  lets  her  affection  stimulate  her  productivity  in  the 
job  they  are  doing  together.  She  throws  herself  wholeheartedly  into 
doing  the  kind  of  work  that  he  will  admire  and  that  will  do  credit  to 
them  both.  She  expresses  her  admiration  for  his  achievements  in  this 
way  and  so  spurs  him  on  to  greater  creativity.  Theirs  can  be  a  growing 
relationship  with  a  depth  and  breadth  of  permanence,  because  neither 
threatens  the  other  with  demands  that  are  not  intrinsically  a  part  of 
their  own  working  relationship. 

Responsive  integrity,  then,  means  wholehearted  response  to  others 
through  the  avenues  provided  by  the  particular  relationship.  Respon- 
sive integrity  is  established  when  a  person,  accepting  both  his  impulses 
and  his  conscience,  exerts  the  self-controls  that  allow  him  freely  to  chan- 
nel the  full  power  of  his  feelings.  It  is  one  important  aspect  of  emanci- 
pation, of  freedom  to  grow,  because  it  opens  up  to  him  opportunities 
for  friendships  and  working  relationships  with  men  and  women  which 
might  otherwise  have  to  cease  with  marriage's  traditional  exclusiveness. 
Persons  with  responsive  integrity  can  frankly  recognize  that  real  affec- 
tion is  a  source  of  motivation  in  working  with  other  people  and  that  the 


144  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

enjoyment  of  work  and  play  with  others  need  not  be  followed  by  sexual 
contact. 


Consequences  of  Immorality  Harmful  to  Personality  6 

We  should  give  some  credit  to  our  forefathers  who  were  sensitive 
enough  to  understand  the  sheer  power  of  sex  and  place  it  under  rigid 
controls.  They  were  mistaken,  however,  in  thinking  they  could  run 
away  from  it  by  banning  the  discussion  of  sex  problems:  we  can't  play 
ostrich  and  act  as  if  the  sex  drive  weren't  there.  We  too  recognize  the 
wisdom  of  carefully  controlling  sex;  it  is  not  to  be  treated  flippantly. 
Within  marriage  sex  often  presents  problems.  Outside  of  marriage  it  is 
difficult  to  gain  permanent  satisfaction  from  sex  experiences.  Psychi- 
atrists and  marriage  counselors  daily  observe  the  explosive  and  destruc- 
tive power  of  this  phenomenon  in  wrecking  the  lives  of  hitherto  well- 
adjusted  people. 

Sex  Is  Personal.  With  most  animals  sex  appears  to  be  purely  biologi- 
cal, a  releasing  of  physical  tensions.  A  female  dog  or  cat  in  heat  will 
accept  one  male  after  another  without  the  slightest  compunction,  and 
with  no  concern  as  to  who  sired  previous  litters.  Among  humans  in 
whom  the  response  to  persons  as  persons  is  so  important,  the  situation 
is  not  simple.  The  mature  individual  can  never  be  satisfied  with  a 
merely  physical  experience.  He  needs  also  affection  and  sympathy  and 
tenderness.  The  physical  experience  alone  leaves  him  hungry  and  un- 
satisfied. "All  or  nothing  at  all"  is  more  than  a  once  popular  song.  It 
can  be  sung  with  meaning  by  members  of  both  sexes.  Although  the 
boy  may  prize  the  sensory  gratifications  more  than  the  unawakened  girl, 
he  needs,  nevertheless,  the  personal  meanings  to  achieve  any  permanent 
satisfactions  from  the  relationship. 

The  average  girl  is  unable  to  obtain  physical  gratification  without 
abundant  affection  and  attention.  Sexual  gratification  for  her  is  not  a 
simple  affair.  She  needs  a  basic  personal  security  to  achieve  it.  She 
needs  understanding,  tenderness,  and  constancy.  There  is  clinical  evi- 
dence that  she  needs  a  series  of  experiences,  rather  than  single  isolated 
experiences,  and  it  is  important  that  they  be  with  the  same  person. 
Time  and  experience  in  becoming  accustomed  to  each  other  are  neces- 

6  We  acknowledge  help  in  this  section  from  Dr.  S.  M.  Duvall,  Men,  Women, 
and  Morals  (New  York:  Association  Press,  1952). 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  145 

sary  to  achieve  complete  satisfaction.  Short-run,  surreptitious  affairs 
lack  both  of  these  requisites.  Because  sex  is  personal  in  addition  to  be- 
ing biological,  it  is  unlikely  that  promiscuity  can  produce  the  desired 
satisfactions. 

Emotional  Involvement.  If  an  unmarried  couple  decide  to  have  sex 
relations,  they  must  be  assured  of  more  than  a  casual,  fly-by-night  affair 
in  order  to  achieve  any  degree  of  satisfaction.  They  will  want  to  assure 
for  their  relation  sufficient  permanence  to  attain  within  its  duration  a 
mature  sexual  union.  There  are  some  who  claim  to  have  achieved  this 
goal.  Such  permanence  is  rare,  yet  it  is  the  prerequisite  for  satisfying 
sex  relations. 

Unfortunately  the  history  of  couples  who  establish  full  sex  relation- 
ships outside  of  marriage  is  not  encouraging  to  read.  Even  engaged 
couples  who  have  agreed  on  marriage  plans  find  full  sex  relations  bring 
unanticipated  consequences.  The  pangs  of  conscience  are  something 
they  expect  and  know  how  to  handle  because  they  expect  to  be  married 
soon.  They  put  up  with  these  in  order  to  experience  the  presumed  sat- 
isfactions of  complete  intimacy.  The  experimenting  couple,  however, 
expect  their  love  to  be  strengthened  by  their  increased  physical  intimacy. 
But  there  are  many  indications  that  their  idealized  images  of  one  an- 
other may  be  shattered  thereby,  that  the  sense  of  mystery,  the  aura  of 
holiness,  will  vanish.  Interest  in  the  other  wanes  at  the  end  of  the 
chase,  and  the  tensions  of  unrequited  sex  lose  their  titillating  power  as 
they  are  released,  and  the  couple  realize  that  they  have  "gone  the 
limit."  These  ingredients  of  the  romantic  complex  are  lost  simultane- 
ously with  the  recurrence  of  guilt  feelings.  Because  we  are  conditioned 
to  expect  romantic  love  as  a  necessary  prerequisite  to  marriage,  its  les- 
sening is  interpreted  as  meaning  that  we  were  really  not  meant  for  each 
other,  that  the  engagement  should  be  broken  off  so  that  we  may  hunt 
for  someone  else. 

As  we  shall  learn  in  later  chapters,  much  the  same  transformation  of 
emotional  relationships  takes  place  within  marriage  and  partly  for  the 
same  reasons.  When  romance  wanes  after  marriage,  however,  it  is  not 
so  hazardous.  By  then  the  ties  have  been  formally  sanctioned  through 
the  wedding  ceremony,  the  couple  has  established  a  common  household 
with  its  many  satisfactions  and  interlocking  functions. 

If  the  experimenting  couple  is  not  engaged,  and  has  no  plans  for 


146  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

marriage,  the  emotional  involvement  may  be  fully  as  complicated. 
Once  a  couple  attains  a  state  of  satisfactory  sexual  union,  either  the  boy 
or  (more  usually)  the  girl  begins  to  wish  for  something  more  perma- 
nent. If  the  relationship  is  satisfying,  one  or  the  other  tends  to  become 
involved  emotionally  and  begins  to  press  for  marriage.  The  member 
who  is  postponing  marriage  is  thereupon  frightened,  and  a  bitter  quarrel 
may  ensue.  The  break  at  that  point  may  prove  disastrous  to  them  both. 
But  such  is  the  nature  of  the  sex  relationship.  If  it  is  satisfying  there 
will  inevitably  result  profound  emotional  involvements  that  are  not 
counted  on.  There  is  no  halfway  house;  it  is  all  or  nothing  at  all. 

Sex  can  be  safe  and  satisfying,  only  under  circumstances  which  make  pos- 
sible the  full  and  rich  development  of  its  emotional  involvements.  If  the 
physical  aspects  were  all,  those  who  know  how  to  guard  against  physical  dan- 
gers of  disease  and  pregnancy  might  safely  have  as  free  a  sex  life  as  an  alley 
cat.  But  they  are  not.  Because  of  the  psychological  aspect,  the  temporary 
affair  is  almost  all  risk  and  little  promise.  Sex  requires  for  its  satisfaction  a 
complete  response  of  the  whole  personality.  As  a  general  policy,  this  means 
marriage.  Biologically,  people  can  go  the  limit,  psychologically,  only  within 
the  security  of  a  sound  and  permanent  marriage  relationship.7 


But  Many  Cross  the  Line 

The  Ten  Commandments  are  violated  by  people  who  would  not  deny 
their  ethical  soundness.  The  sex  codes  are  no  exception.  Estimates  of 
deviation  from  the  single  standard  of  sex  morality,  are  at  best  approxi- 
mations; from  20  to  80  per  cent  of  unmarried  males  by  the  age  of 
twenty-five  have  had  premarital  intercourse,  depending  on  the  study  you 
cite.  From  10  to  50  per  cent  of  all  married  males  have  intercourse  with 
women  other  than  their  wives,  at  some  time  while  they  are  married. 
Even  the  estimates  of  Alfred  C.  Kinsey  and  his  associates,  the  highest 
reported  to  date,  indicate  that  extramarital  intercourse  accounts  for  only 
from  5  to  10  per  cent  of  their  total  sex  outlets.8 

Deviation  from  the  code  of  premarital  continence  and  marital  fidel- 
ity is  the  only  instance  in  our  society  where  one  instance  of  noncon- 
formity places  a  person  in  the  category  of  being  a  deviant  permanently. 
Stealing,  lying,  and  cruelty  to  persons  are  not  uncommon  among  young 

*  S.  M.  Duvall,  op.  cit. 

8  Alfred  C.  Kinsey,  and  associates,  Sexual  Behavior  in  the  Human  Male  (Phila- 
delphia: Saunders,  1948),  p.  588. 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  147 

people,  and  even  among  oldsters,  yet  if  the  person  is  honest,  truthful, 
and  kindly  90  per  cent  of  the  time,  we  tend  to  regard  his  behavior  as 
conforming.  With  regard  to  sex,  however,  there  is  a  tendency  to  divide 
young  people  into  two  camps,  those  who  are  virginal,  that  is,  have  never 
experienced  sex  union,  and  those  who  are  nonvirginal,  which  groups  to- 
gether all  who  have  experienced  intercourse  one  or  more  times.  In  con- 
cluding this  discussion  of  sex  morality  we  distinguish  between  cate- 
gories of  deviants,  and  suggest  that  those  who  have  had  premarital  inter- 
course only  once  or  twice  be  not  classified  with  those  who  habitually 
violate  the  moral  code.9 


Morality  Does  Make  Sense 

The  case  for  conformity  to  the  moral  code  has  constituted  the  content 
of  this  chapter.  This  particular  code  applies  to  old  as  well  as  to  the 
young,  to  men  as  well  as  women.  It  involves  a  single  standard  of  moral- 
ity. Our  case  has  placed  relatively  little  stress  on  the  dangers  of  preg- 
nancy, of  disease,  and  of  social  ostracism  which  are  included  in  the 
negative  approach  to  this  problem.  Ours  is  a  positive  approach.  Con- 
formity to  a  single  standard  pays  dividends  in  emotional  stability,  crea- 
tivity, and  integrity.  Nonconformity  for  most  socialized  Americans 
brings  a  certain  quantum  of  guilt,  dangers  of  involvement  to  the  point 
of  personality  distortion  to  both  parties,  and  possible  probationary  status 
in  one's  peer  group.  Morality  makes  sense  because: 

1  Our  society  is  organized  around  moral  behavior  as  the  norm. 

A  moral  code  has  grown  up  through  years  of  experimentation  with  man- 
woman  relationships  which  minimizes  the  strife  of  men  fighting  over  their 
woman.  Our  monogamous  marriage  form  is  our  solution  of  that  problem, 
and  to  support  it  we  insist  that  there  be  no  sexual  intercourse  before  mar- 
riage and  that  intercourse  after  marriage  be  restricted  to  marriage  pairs. 

2  Conscience  needs  to  be  reckoned  with.     It's  more  comfortable  to  be 
moral. 

We  feel  so  strongly  about  the  necessity  of  preserving  what  has  proved  to 
be  a  satisfying  form  of  marriage  and  family  life  that  we  impose  these  ideas 

9  For  the  discussion  of  ethical  implications  of  the  many  varied  situations  cov- 
ered by  the  sex  code  read  especially  Section  III,  "Sex  Morality  in  Specific  Situations," 
dealing  with  the  morality  of  adultery,  fornication,  prostitution,  and  sexual  intercourse 
in  marriage  in  S.  M.  Duvall,  Men,  Women,  and  Morals  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1952),  pp.  123-237. 


148  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

on  our  children  during  the  most  impressionable  period  of  life.  Moreover, 
children,  through  observation  in  informal  family  situations,  internalize  the 
do's  and  don'ts  associated  with  sexual  behavior  and  make  them  a  part  of 
themselves  in  what  we  have  termed  conscience.  So  effective  is  this  indoc- 
trination that  the  matured  adult  feels  completely  secure  only  when  he  is 
behaving  in  accordance  with  the  patterns  prescribed  by  his  parents,  teach- 
ers, and  friends. 

3  Ethical  judgment  rests  on  an  understanding  of  the  social  order. 

Ethical  judgment  into  the  best  solutions  to  unique  situations  depends 
partly  on  the  understanding  and  acceptance  of  the  moral  code  and  partly 
on  a  knowledge  of  the  consequences  of  behavior.  On  both  counts  the 
moral  person  has  advantages  over  the  morally  illiterate. 

4  Social  approval  of  friends  is  important  to  personal  security,  and  the  older 
we  get  the  more  conservative  our  friends  become  on  moral  issues. 

Status  and  reputation  in  the  adult  world  rest  upon  the  proof  that  a  person 
behaves  as  his  peers  feel  he  should.  During  a  short  period  in  adolescence 
the  adolescent  peers  encourage  types  of  behavior  forbidden  by  conscience, 
but  thereafter  the  successively  older  sets  he  joins  approve  and  support  the 
moral  codes.  To  obtain  unqualified  approval  in  his  world  it  becomes  im- 
portant to  exemplify  in  his  behavior  the  standards  of  correct  sex  conduct. 

5  Self-realization,  freedom  to  grow,  and  freedom  to  work  with  others  lie 
in  the  direction  of  moral  living. 

The  person  in  our  society  who  enjoys  the  greatest  freedom  and  has  the 
greatest  social  access  is  one  who  knows  the  demands  of  the  social  order 
and  uses  them  to  free  himself  for  creative  activity. 

6  The  consequences  of  immorality  are  harmful  to  personality  and  to  mem- 
bers of  society. 

Behavior,  in  the  final  analysis,  must  be  judged  by  its  effects  on  people. 
An  act  is  right  if  it  makes  for  the  development  of  personality  and  human 
welfare;  an  act  is  wrong  if  it  leads  to  the  destruction  of  human  personality. 
Because  of  the  psychological  aspects,  the  temporary  affair  is  almost  all  risk 
and  little  promise.  To  live  morally  is  simply  the  best  way  of  living  under 
existing  conditions. 

Selected  Readings 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  EDS.,  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parent- 
hood (Boston:  Heath,  1948),  especially  discussion  of  petting,  pp.  241- 
243,  and  319-321. 

DUVALL,  SYLVANUS  M.,  Men,  Women,  and  Morals  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1952). 

GLUECK,  ELEANOR,  Moral  Goals  for  Modern  Youth  (New  York:  Social  Ac- 
tion, 1943). 


DOES    MORALITY    MAKE    SENSE?  149 

LEUBA,  CLARENCE,  Ethics  in  Sex  Conduct  (New  York:  Association  Press, 

1948). 

MEAD,  MARGARET,  Male  and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1951). 
MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  Courtship  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Sloane,  1949), 

Chap.  3. 
TITUS,  HAROLD  H.,  Ethics  for  Today  (New  York:  American  Book,  1936). 

Technical  References 

BLOOD,  ROBERT  o.,  JR.,  "Romance  and  Premarital  Intercourse  —  Incompati- 
bles?"  Marriage  and  Family  Living  (May,  1952). 

BOWMAN,  CLAUDE  c.,  "Cultural  Ideology  and  Heterosexual  Reality:  A  Pref- 
ace to  Sociological  Research,"  American  Sociological  Review,  Vol.  XIV, 
No.  5  (October,  1949). 

,  "Social  Factors  Opposed  to  the  Extension  of  Heterosexuality,"  Ameri- 
can Journal  of  Psychiatry,  Vol.  106,  No.  6  (December,  1949). 

ELLIS,  ALBERT,  The  Folklore  of  Sex  (New  York:  Boni,  1951). 

KINSEY,  ALFRED  c.,  AND  ASSOCIATES,  Sexual  Behavior  in  the  Human  Male 
(Philadelphia:  Saunders,  1948). 

MACMURRAY,  JOHN,  Reason  and  Emotion  (New  York:  Appleton-Century, 
1937),  especially  pp.  93-144. 

MURDOCK,  GEORGE  P.,  Social  Structure  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1949). 

PLANT,  JAMES,  Personality  and  the  Cultural  Pattern  (New  York:  Common- 
wealth Fund,  1937). 

PORTERFIELD,  AUSTIN  L.,  AND  SALLEY,  H.  ELLISON,  "Current  Folkways  of  Sex- 

ual  Behavior,"  The  American  Journal  of  Sociology,  Vol.  LII,  No.  3  (No- 
vember, 1946). 

QUEEN,  STUART  A.,  AND  ADAMS,  JOHN  B.,  The  Family  in  Various  Cultures 
(Philadelphia:  Lippincott,  1952). 


CHAPTER  EIGHT 


"She  had  a  successful  career  ahead  of  her. 
Thank  goodness  she  saved  herself  in  time!" 


WHO  GETS  MARRIED? 


Why  do  some  people  never  marry? 
Is  it  true  that  opposites  attract  each  other  into  marriage? 

Do  remarriages  work  out? 

Do  people  marry  for  different  reasons? 

Does  who  you  are  influence  whom  you  marry? 

Who  marry  most  happily? 


'MERICA     IS     ONE     OF    THE    MOST     MARRIED    NATIONS     IN    THE 

world;  indeed,  it  can  be  said  without  fear  of  contradiction  that  marriage 
is  our  favorite  institution.  Ninety-one  per  cent  of  the  population  who 
live  to  age  fifty-five  marry.  With  these  facts  in  mind,  this  chapter  has 
been  designed  to  answer:  i.  why  marriage  is  so  popular  in  America; 
2.  why  people  get  married;  3.  why  some  people  never  marry;  and  4.  why 
some  who  marry  are  happier  than  others. 

Why  People  Marry 

Ask  the  man  on  the  street  why  he  gets  married,  and  he  will  probably 
tell  you  that  he  does  it  because  he  loves  the  girl.  His  friends  may  rec- 
ognize other  motives  as  they  observe  that  the  girl  has  money,  and  that 
she  has  obtained  for  him  a  soft  berth  in  her  father's  business.  In  other 
countries  it  isn't  necessary  to  mask  all  motivations  under  the  label  of 
love.  Marriages  of  convenience  are  recognized  and  given  status.  We 
Americans  find  it  difficult  to  admit  any  other  reason  for  marrying  except 
love.  But  there  are  many,  many  other  reasons. 


152  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

First  of  all,  the  average  person  develops  needs  in  his  parental  family 
for  affection  and  emotional  security  which  can  only  be  satisfied  in  the 
intimacy  of  a  home.  As  he  grows  up  it  becomes  necessary  for  him  to 
find  the  satisfaction  of  these  deepest  needs  and  wishes  away  from  the 
parental  home.  It  is  most  natural  that  he  will  feel  impelled  to  establish 
his  own  family  to  meet  these  needs. 

Some  word  should  be  said  for  social  pressure  as  a  reason  for  marry- 
ing in  America.  Parents,  relatives,  employers,  and  married  friends  offer 
advice  and  point  to  the  joys  of  wedded  life  to  everyone  who  reaches 
marriageable  age.  There  are  places  you  can't  go  without  a  partner,  and 
you  find  yourself  excluded  from  pleasant  associations  with  former  friends 
now  married.  Social  living  becomes  awkward,  particularly  in  small  com- 
munities; restaurant  food  is  often  inferior  and  quarters  are  unsatisfac- 
tory. Almost  everyone  will  point  out  that  the  single  pattern  of  living 
is  abnormal,  that  marriage  is  the  good  life! 

The  table  below  is  an  attempt  to  list  the  major  needs  for  which 
young  people  anticipate  satisfaction  in  marrying.  These  are  only  gen- 
eral reasons  for  getting  married.  The  list  would  lengthen  if  you  were  to 
add  your  own  highly  individual  reasons. 

MAJOR  REASONS  FOR  MARRYING  IN  AMERICA 

Companionship  and  Love 

Need  for  intimate  response,  for  understanding,  for  belonging  to  some- 
one exclusively. 

Home  and  Children 

Desire  to  have  a  home  and  children  of  one's  own  to  symbolize  adult 
status. 

Adventure  and  Romance 

Falling  in  love  with  love;  arises  as  hunger  in  those  whose  lives  seem  drab 
or  filled  with  boredom. 

Escape 

Desire  to  escape  an  unhappy  situation,  difficult  job,  small  town,  or  pov- 
erty, marriage  promising  a  way  out.  (Often  a  jump  from  the  frying 
pan  .  .  .) 

Consolation  for  Failure 

Rebound.  (Show  the  world  by  marrying  the  rescuer;  may  marry  anyone 
who  sympathizes,  mistaking  need  of  sympathy  for  love.) 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  153 

Join  the  Bandwagon 

Marrying  in  wartime  because  everybody's  doing  it. 

Conquest 

Desire  to  obtain  a  person  who  rates,  who  is  badly  wanted  by  others. 
(Rhett  Butler  married  Scarlet  O'Hara  in  Gone  with  the  Wind  to  con- 
quer her.) 

Social  Expectation 

Pressure  of  friends  and  parents  to  settle  down  and  marry.  (Girl  marries 
a  man  she  doesn't  love  to  escape  stigma  of  being  an  old  maid.) 

Sex  Attraction 

Response  toward  any  attractive  person  of  opposite  sex.  Important  rea- 
son for  initial  contacts  but  second  to  companionship  and  understanding 
in  marriage.  (Like  the  flavoring  in  the  cake;  cake  would  be  tasteless 
without  it,  but  flavoring  alone  would  be  no  cake! ) 

Social  Status  and  Security 

Social  acceptance.  (Life  in  America  organized  for  married  people  both 
socially  and  economically;  promotions,  advancements,  opportunities  go 
to  married  men.) 


Why  Some  People  Never  Marry 

If  all  that  has  been  said  is  true,  why  should  anyone  remain  unmarried? 
There  are  many  factors  which  limit  marriageability  today,  some  highly 
impersonal,  such  as  the  maldistribution  of  marriageable  men,  geographi- 
cally and  occupationally,  and  the  increasing  surplus  of  women  of  marry- 
ing age  in  the  general  population.  Other  factors  which  are  much  more 
personal  are  unhappy  childhood  experiences,  emotional  immaturity, 
mother  and  father  fixations,  standards  of  beauty  and  glamor,  and  per- 
fectionist standards.  Ten  out  of  every  hundred  mature  American  men 
remain  bachelors  through  choice  or  individual  circumstances.  Approxi- 
mately 8  per  cent  of  American  women  also  remain  unmarried.  An 
analysis  of  their  reasons  for  remaining  celibates  is  in  order. 

Some  few  people  really  don't  want  to  marry  for  the  reason  that  their 
early  experiences  in  the  home  were  unhappy.  They  carry  over  bitter  at- 
titudes toward  marriage  and  family  life  and  would  probably  make  poor 
marriage  partners.  Some  prefer  the  freedom  of  single  blessedness  to 
married  responsibility.  They  may  wish  to  avoid  the  obligations  in- 


154 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


volved  in  living  intimately  with  another  adult.  From  a  purely  habit 
standpoint,  it  is  much  simpler  to  continue  with  the  routines  of  unmar- 
ried living.  Sometimes  a  man  is  so  tied  to  his  mother,  or  a  girl  to  her 
father,  that  no  other  person  can  ever  take  the  place  of  the  beloved  par- 
ent. There  are  some  people  who  have  had  distortions  in  their  love  de- 
velopment which  make  it  difficult  for  them  to  love  a  person  of  the  op- 


MARRIEDNESS  VS.  UNMARRIED  NESS,  1890-1951 


.  Widowed  Moles 

"Divorced  Females 


1890 


•4  7 '49 '5 1 


U.S.  Bureau  of  the  Census,  Current  Population  Reports,  Series  P  20,  No.  35,  Table  2:  "Marital  Status 
of  Persons  14  Years  Old  and  Over,  by  Sex,  for  the  United  States":  "Civilian  Population,  1947  to 
1951,  and  Total  Population,  1890  to  1940." 


posite  sex.  A  sense  of  shame  or  of  unworthiness  that  has  come  from 
painful  childhood  experiences  may  keep  one  from  forming  the  deep  at- 
tachments that  lead  to  marriage.  It  is  probably  best  that  these  latter  do 
not  marry  too.  When  they  do  marry  the  results  are  often  tragic. 

More  frequently,  a  person  who  wants  to  get  married  cannot  find 
someone  who  is  desirable  and  equally  desirous  of  marriage.  Impossibly 
romantic  ideals  of  the  perfect  mate  may  keep  the  available  choices  from 
seeming  suitable.  The  physically  handicapped,  for  example,  are  often 
disappointed  in  their  search  for  a  desirable  mate.  Certain  physical 
characteristics  tend  to  be  rejected  out  of  all  proportion  to  their  signifi- 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  155 

cance  in  a  marriage  partner.  Hair  on  the  lip  of  a  woman,  or  lack  of  it 
on  the  scalp  of  a  man,  lessens  the  attractiveness  of  the  person  in  our 
society.  Extreme  height  in  the  woman  or  shortness  in  the  man  dimin- 
ishes choices  of  dating  partners  and  of  mates.  Birthmarks  and  other 
superficial  disfigurements  may  operate  almost  as  strongly  in  eliminating 
a  person  from  the  competitive  struggle  for  a  mate  as  many  more  basic 
handicaps.  The  attitude  of  the  person  toward  his  handicaps  is  usually 
more  important  than  the  mere  fact  that  he  has  them.  If  shame,  inade- 
quacy, and  avoidance  of  people  are  his  predominant  attitudes,  the 
handicap  may  seriously  affect  his  chances  of  marriage.  On  the  other 
hand,  attitudes  of  acceptance,  of  friendliness,  and  objectivity  toward 
oneself  increase  the  possibility  of  rich  friendships  and  satisfactory  mari- 
tal choices. 

Too  Few  Marriageable  Men.  For  years  Sweden  and  France  and  other 
European  countries  have  experienced  a  severe  husband  shortage.  The 
man  scarcity  has  recently  spread  to  include  America,  much  to  the  dis- 
may of  the  millions  of  girls  now  coming  into  the  marrying  age.  In  1950 
the  potentially  marriageable  female  population  which  includes  the 
single,  divorced,  and  widowed,  outnumbered  the  marriageable  males  by 
two  million.  Only  in  the  youngest  age  groups  are  there  boys  enough, 
and  most  of  these  are  not  economically  ready  to  marry. 

The  deficit  of  men  in  the  marrying  ages  is  due  to  a  number  of  fac- 
tors. There  is  first  of  all  a  higher  death  rate  among  males  through 
greater  biological  weakness  and  greater  exposure  to  industrial  hazards. 
Man  is  not  the  stronger  sex!  Second,  we  have  used  up  the  very  con- 
venient surplus  of  males  who  arrived  through  immigration,  and  there 
are  no  prospects  of  any  more  coming  to  replace  them.  Third,  more 
men  than  women  are  to  be  found  in  the  unmarriageable  categories  of 
convicts,  psychotics,  invalids,  hobos,  professional  soldiers,  and  so  on. 
Finally,  the  war  casualties  and  war  marriages  of  younger  men  to  older 
women  tend  to  decrease  even  further  the  supply  of  eligible  men. 

For  girls  who  want  to  do  something  constructive  about  getting  a 
husband  in  the  face  of  the  present  shortage,  the  figures  show  that  there 
are  still  some  sections  of  the  country  where  men  outnumber  women. 
Detroit  and  Sacramento  have  no  and  113  men  per  hundred  women  re- 
spectively. The  New  England  states  average  only  96  men  for  each  hun- 
dred women,  compared  with  111.4  in  Idaho,  114.1  in  Wyoming,  and 


156  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

113.1  in  Nevada.  Girls  who  take  their  statistics  seriously  should  con- 
sider Alaska,  where  men  outnumber  women  145.7  to  a  hundred.  It 
makes  a  difference  too  whether  a  girl  is  in  an  occupation  which  throws 
her  constantly  into  contact  with  men.  Schoolteachers  and  librarians 
have  low  marriage  rates,  whereas  dining-room  hostesses  marry  in  rela- 
tively great  numbers. 

Careers  and  Education  Discourage  Marriage.  Professional  training  for 
men  and  for  women  results  in  postponed  marriages,  sometimes  indefi- 
nitely postponed.  The  pattern  of  getting  established  and  earning  for  a 
few  years  before  marrying  means  that  young  men  in  professional  schools 
are  not  good  marriage  prospects  and  won't  be  for  some  time  to  come.1 
Young  women,  therefore,  face  the  fact  that  many  of  the  young  men 
they  have  known  in  college  are  not  ready  to  marry,  and  that  when  they 
do  marry  they  will  take  girls  of  a  younger  age  group.  To  complicate 
matters  further,  college  women  plan  to  marry  someone  at  least  as  edu- 
cated, as  intelligent,  and  of  as  high  social  status  as  themselves.  The 
more  training  a  woman  obtains,  the  narrower  becomes  the  field  from 
which  she  can  choose  a  husband  who  will  meet  her  educational  quali- 
fications. 

Standards  Too  High.  Holding  out  for  a  standard  of  living  that  is  un- 
attainable keeps  still  others  from  marriage.  With  the  emphasis  on  get- 
ting ahead  in  the  world,  some  young  people  postpone  marriage  until 
they  can  maintain  the  standard  of  living  to  which  they  have  been  ac- 
customed in  their  parental  homes.  Advertisements  of  model  homes 
with  automatic  dishwashers,  TV  sets,  tiled  baths,  and  built-in  conven- 
iences are  all  too  often  accepted  as  the  current  attainable  standard.  As 
a  matter  of  fact,  a  very  small  percentage  of  American  families  live  under 
such  conditions.  Few  new  families  can  hope  to  start  out  as  well 
equipped  as  the  "Ladies'  Home  Journal  brides,"  complete  with  sterling- 
silver  table  service,  white  satin  bridal  gown,  and  so  on.  To  some  ambi- 
tious young  people  it  seems  important  to  delay  marriage  until  the 
physical  setting  resembles  the  romantic  picture  of  what  the  advertisers 

1  Paul  Click  and  Emanuel  Landau  found  age  at  marriage  to  average  29.5  and 
31.5  years  for  husbands  whose  incomes  were  respectively  in  the  $5,000-5,900  and 
$6,000  and  over  brackets  as  compared  with  ages  at  marriage  of  23-24  years  for  hus- 
bands in  the  $1,000-2,999  bracket.  Occupational  groups  also  varied  in  average  age 
at  marriage.  See  "Age  as  a  Factor  in  Marriage,"  American  Sociological  Review, 
Vol.  15,  No.  4  (August,  1950),  pp.  517-529- 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  157 

say  every  young  couple  should  have.  The  trouble  is  that  the  postpone- 
ment all  too  often  becomes  permanent! 

Even  so,  millions  yearly  testify  to  the  popularity  of  marriage  as  an 
institution  by  getting  married.  The  proportion  married  in  America  in- 
creased from  60  per  cent  of  the  population  14  years  of  age  and  over  to 
67  per  cent  from  1940  to  1950.  Even  the  widowed  and  divorced  don't 
remain  unmarried  for  any  length  of  time.  To  be  in  the  married  status 
is  regarded  universally  as  highly  desirable.  An  analysis  of  this  marrying 
population  appears  in  order.  Who  gets  married,  and  to  whom?  Do 
likes  marry  opposites  or  people  like  themselves? 

Who  Marries  Whom? 

We  tend  to  love  and  eventually  to  marry  people  like  ourselves.  It  isn't 
an  accident  that  doctors  marry  nurses  and  farm  girls  marry  farmers. 
The  more  a  boy  and  a  girl  have  in  common,  the  more  likely  they  are  to 
meet.  Once  they  have  met,  the  more  traits  they  have  in  common,  the 
more  apt  they  are  to  marry.  This  tendency  to  marry  someone  who  has 
social  traits  similar  to  one's  own  is  called  homogamy.  Recent  studies 
have  shown  that  homogamy  is  overwhelmingly  predominant  over  het- 
erogamy  (the  marriage  of  dissimilar  people) .  Two  investigators  2  study- 
ing the  social  characteristics  in  a  thousand  engaged  couples  found  that 
all  but  six  of  fifty  characteristics  showed  more  resemblance  than  dis- 
similarity. The  factors  studied  included  religious  affiliation  and  behav- 
ior, family  background,  courtship  behavior,  conceptions  of  marriage,  so- 
cial participation,  and  family  relationships. 

The  table  on  page  158  provides  a  listing  of  the  factors  found  most  fre- 
quently to  be  more  similar  than  dissimilar  among  the  thousand  engaged 
couples  studied. 

A  recent  novel  clearly  describes  how  parents  of  a  couple  react  to  dif- 
ferences in  religious  and  social  background.  The  daughter  of  a  socially 
prominent  family  is  attracted  to  a  young  lawyer  of  another  religious 
faith.  A  scene  with  her  father  and  mother  ensues,  in  which  the  parents 
try  to  tell  their  daughter  why  they  object  to  her  choice: 

"Why?"  he  repeated,  looking  at  her.  "All  right,  I'll  tell  you  why.  I 
don't  want  my  daughter  to  go  through  life  neither  flesh,  fowl  nor  good  red 

2  Ernest  W.  Burgess  and  Paul  Wallin,  "Homogamy  in  Social  Characteristics/' 
American  Journal  of  Sociology  (September,  1943),  pp.  109-124. 


1  58 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


FACTORS  SHOWING  GREATEST  SIMILARITY  AMONG  ENGAGED  COUPLES  s 


Courtship 
Characteristics 


Conceptions  of 
Marriage  Held 


Age  at  beginning  of  courtship 

Number  of  going  steady  experiences 

Number  of  persons  consulted  about  engagement 

Attitude  toward  married  women  working 
Attitude  toward  having  children 
Number  of  children  desired 
Attitude  toward  divorce 


Family  Attachments 


Happiness  of  parents'  marriage 
Attachment  to  father 
Attachment  to  siblings 


Religious  Behavior 


Religious  affiliation 
Church  attendance 
Active  membership 


Social  Habits  and  Drinking  habits 

Participation  Smoking  habits 

Leisure  time  preferences 

Extent  of  participation  in  organizations 

herring,  living  in  a  kind  of  no  man's  land  where  half  the  people  you  know 
will  never  accept  him,  and  half  the  people  he  knows  will  never  accept  you.  I 
don't  want  a  son-in-law  who'll  be  an  embarrassment  to  my  friends,  a  son-in- 
law  who  can't  be  put  up  at  my  club  and  who  can't  go  with  us  to  places  where 
we've  gone  all  our  lives.  I  don't  want  a  son-in-law  whom  I'll  have  to  apolo- 
gize for  and  explain  and  have  to  hear  insulted  indirectly,  unless  I  can  remem- 
ber to  warn  people  off  first." 

"We  want  you  to  marry  someone  —  someone  like  us.  Someone  who'll 
fit  in  and  whom  we  can"  —  Margaret  Drake  caught  her  breath,  then  man- 
aged to  say  —  "can  all  be  proud  of,"  and  suddenly  shoving  back  her  chair,  she 
got  up  and  left  the  room.4 

Similar  reactions  are  found  among  young  people  themselves.  There 
is  no  denying  that  marital  choice  is  affected  by  the  similarity  in  attitudes 

8  Drawn  from  research  study  by  Burgess  and  Wallin,  op.  tit.,  tables  1-6,  pp. 
115-122. 

4  Selection  from  Gwethalyn  Graham  Erickson  Brown,  Earth  and  High  Heaven 
(Philadelphia:  Lippincott,  1944). 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  159 

and  backgrounds.  As  has  been  shown  in  a  previous  chapter,  pair  unity 
develops  with  the  formation  of  a  common  language  and  common  goals. 
It  is  the  couple's  excuse  for  excluding  the  rest  of  the  world  and  is  pos- 
sible only  where  the  members  start  out  with  many  things  in  common. 

Do  Opposites  Also  Attract?  According  to  current  folklore,  the  secret 
of  mating  is  to  select  someone  who  will  be  exotically  different  in  make- 
up. Accordingly,  if  you  are  a  spendthrift  you  need  a  wife  who  will  pinch 
the  pennies,  or  if  you  are  hyperactive  you  need  a  wife  who  is  slow  and 
easy  going.  The  tales  go  even  further  in  that  they  point  out  that  oppo- 
sites  have  a  fatal  attraction  for  one  another,  that  brilliant  men  marry 
the  beautiful  but  dumb,  that  brunets  seem  drawn  to  blondes.  To  date, 
research  proves  these  generalizations  to  be  fallacious.  They  may  be 
based  more  on  the  visibility  of  the  exceptions  than  on  an  accurate  count- 
ing of  the  total  marrying  public.  Correlations  of  some  magnitude  are 
found  between  couples  as  to  height,  age,  weight,  intelligence,  ethnic 
and  occupational  background,  and  geographical  area  of  residence.  The 
correlations  with  regard  to  temperament 5  are  not  so  marked;  indeed  the 
findings  are  often  conflicting.  If  opposites  do  attract  each  other  it 
is  only  a  temporary  attraction;  opposites  don't  marry  in  significant 
numbers. 

However,  at  least  one  author  argues  for  keeping  the  question  of  ho- 
mogamy  and  heterogamy  open  for  further  investigation.  Robert  F. 
Winch  points  out  that  little  evidence  has  been  offered  that  persons  with 
similar  need  patterns  tend  to  marry.  He  poses  the  proposition  that  ho- 
mogamy  operates  to  establish  a  field  of  eligible  persons  from  whom  mar- 
riage partners  are  selected,  but  that  within  the  field  of  eligibles  individ- 
uals tend  to  mate  with  those  whose  need  patterns  generally  complement 
their  own  rather  than  with  those  whose  need  patterns  are  similar  to  their 
own.8  This  is  entirely  consistent  with  our  later  discussion  of  "meeting 
of  needs"  as  a  major  cohesive  factor  in  marriage.7 

Intermarriage  by  Servicemen  Overseas.  As  a  Special  case  of  heteroga- 
mous  marriage  in  which  opposites  do  marry,  the  unions  of  American 

5  Ernest  W.  Burgess  and  Paul  Wallin  are  among  those  who  find  homogamy  in 
temperament.  They  report  a  slight  but  statistically  significant  trend  for  like  to  mate 
with  like  with  respect  to  14  of  42  items  from  the  Thurstone  Neurotic  Inventory  and 
9  of  23  self -ratings  on  traits;  see  "Homogamy  in  Personality  Characteristics,"  Jour- 
nal of  Abnormal  and  Social  Psychology,  Vol.  39  (1944),  pp.  475-81. 

«  Robert  F.  Winch,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  p.  403. 

T  See  Chap.  15,  "What  Holds  a  Marriage  Together." 


160  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

servicemen  and  foreign  women  merit  attention.  Charles  Fritz  made  an 
analysis  of  the  92,465  foreign  war  brides  who  entered  the  United  States, 
1945-1948,  to  join  their  American  husbands  under  Public  Law  271  (War 
Brides  Act).8  He  found  trends  toward  homogamy  even  among  these 
international  marriages.  For  example,  over  one  half  of  the  foreign 
brides  were  from  English-speaking  countries.  Moreover,  the  majority 
of  men  marrying  foreign  war  brides  were  themselves  children  of  foreign- 
born  or  were  of  mixed  nativity.  There  was  a  distinct  tendency  toward 
homogamy  in  ethnic  backgrounds  of  the  husbands  and  the  foreign  war 
brides.  Indeed,  Eastern  and  Southern  European  brides  tended  to 
migrate  to  residence  areas  of  their  own  nationality. 

No  definitive  information  is  yet  available  concerning  the  success  of 
international  marriages  resulting  from  World  War  II  and  the  subse- 
quent occupation  of  Germany  and  Asiatic  countries.  From  data  on  in- 
ternational marriages  of  earlier  date  it  is  apparent  that  intermarriage  of 
people  with  different  family  backgrounds  proves  hazardous  because  nei- 
ther party  completely  understands  the  values  cherished  by  the  other. 
Fully  accepted  by  the  members  of  neither  society,  the  intermarried  pair 
usually  finds  itself  excommunicated  from  contacts  with  many  people 
and  is  usually  forced  to  join  other  atypical  couples  for  purposes  of  social 
intercourse.  j 

Most  of  the  research  on  intermarriage  has  been  centered  on  inter- 
racial marriages  in  this  country.9  Without  exception  the  findings  from 
this  research  argue  against  intermarriage.  The  situation  may  be  even 
more  aggravated  in  cases  where  the  marriage  takes  place  in  far-away 
lands.  Intermarriage  of  a  Negro  and  a  white  person  in  South  Side  Chi- 
cago may  actually  be  fraught  with  fewer  difficulties  than  the  mythical 
intermarriage  of  Sergeant  Hagen  of  Murdo,  South  Dakota,  with  the 
daughter  of  a  Nigerian  chief  in  far-away  Africa.  Students  of  the  prob- 
lem consider  the  differences  in  the  ways  of  life  of  the  participants  in 
such  a  marriage  to  be  more  divisive  than  the  differences  in  skin  color 
or  facial  features. 

Where  opposites  do  marry,  interests  which  they  have  in  common 

8  "A  Study  of  World  War  II  International  Marriages,"  Master's  Thesis,  Uni- 
versity of  Chicago  (March,  1950). 

9  For  a  summary  of  the  studies  of  intermarriage  see  two  publications  by  Mil- 
ton L.  Barren,  People  Who  Intermarry  (Syracuse,  N.  Y.:  Syracuse  University  Press, 
1946),  and  "Research  on  Intermarriage:  A  Survey  of  Accomplishments  and  Pros- 
pects," American  Journal  of  Sociology,  Vol.  LVII,  No.  3  (November,  1951),  pp. 
249-256. 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  161 

usually  outnumber  the  highly  visible  characteristics  in  which  they  dif- 
fer. Successful  intermarriages  are  possible  if  the  parties  first  make  sure 
that  in  every  other  area  the  essentials  for  a  happy  adjustment  are  pres- 
ent. They  should  be  certain  that  they  share  similar  attitudes  toward 
work,  play,  children,  and  religion,  and  that  they  are  temperamentally 
compatible.  Such  a  test  eliminates,  it  is  true,  most  marriage  possibili- 
ties in  foreign  lands  —  the  differences  in  upbringing  disqualifying  most 
couples. 

Remarriages 

Almost  a  fourth  of  the  marriages  in  recent  years  have  not  been  first  mar- 
riages. Most  divorced  persons  remarry,  and  except  in  the  ages  after 
forty-five  most  widows  and  widowers  do  too.  In  fact,  the  chances  of 
remarriage  are  much  higher  for  both  divorced  and  widowed,  age  for 
age,  than  for  single  persons.  The  advantage  of  the  divorced  per- 
son is  so  great  over  the  single  and  widowed,  however,  that  even  increas- 
ing age  doesn't  greatly  reduce  the  likelihood  of  marriage.  For  example, 
a  spinster  of  thirty  has  approximately  a  fifty-fifty  chance  of  marriage;  the 
widow  of  thirty  has  a  sixty-forty  chance;  but  the  divorcee  of  the  same  age 
has  94  chances  out  of  a  hundred  of  remarrying.  Not  until  the  divorcee 
is  forty-five  do  her  chances  drop  to  the  fifty-fifty  level  of  the  thirty-year- 
old  single  woman.10 

Most  remarriage  after  divorce  occurs  within  five  years,  and  by  four- 
teen years  all  but  one  seventh  of  the  divorced  have  remarried.11  The 
remarriages  of  widowed  are  much  slower.  About  one  third  of  the  men 
and  two  thirds  of  the  women  had  not  remarried  after  fourteen  years. 
There  is  a  selective  tendency  for  widowed  or  divorced  women  with  chil- 
dren to  remarry  quickly  or  not  at  all. 

The  evidence  concerning  the  relative  success  of  remarriages  is  con- 
flicting. Women  appear  to  be  poorer  risks  in  second  and  subsequent 
marriages  than  men.12  One  worker  calculates  that  second  marriages  in 
general  are  about  50  per  cent  more  risky  than  first  marriages.13 

Second  and  subsequent  marriages  are  less  well  off  economically  than 

10  Paul  H.  Landis,  "Sequential  Marriage,"  Journal  of  Home  Economics,  Vol. 
42  (October,  1950),  pp.  625-628. 

11  Paul  C.  Click,  "First  Marriages  and  Remarriages/'  American  Sociological 
Review,  Vol.  14  (December,  1949),  pp.  726-734. 

12  Landis,  op.  cit.,  p.  627. 
«  Ibid.,  p.  627. 


162 


ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


CHANCES  IN  100  OF  MARRIAGE  FOR  SINGLE  WOMEN  AND  OF 
REMARRIAGE  FOR  DIVORCED  AND  WIDOWED  WOMEN* 

AGE  20 


DIVORCED 


SINGLE 


89 


AGE  30 


DIVORCTO 


WIDOWED 


SINGLE 


ACE  45 


DIVORCED 


WIDOWED 


SINGLE 


•  Prom  Landis,  op.  cit.,  p.  625,  based  on  calculations  from  records 
of  twenty-two  states  and  the  District  of  Columbia. 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  163 

first  marriages.  This  is  true,  not  only  in  terms  of  money  income  of  the 
remarried  men,  but  also  from  the  standpoint  of  improved  occupational 
level.  A  general  pattern  of  improvement  in  occupational  level  is  dis- 
cernible for  men  during  their  initial  ten  years  of  married  life,  but  no 
such  pattern  is  discernible  for  the  first  ten  years  of  remarried  life.14 


What  Type  of  Couple  Marries  Most  Happily? 

Many  novels  end  with  the  implied  statement,  "and  they  lived  happily 
ever  after."  Few  mature  persons  will  be  taken  in  by  such  a  poorly 
couched  generalization,  but  until  recently  there  were  no  studies  to  show 
how  couples  whose  marriages  remained  happy  differed  in  make-up  from 
those  who  became  chronically  unhappy  after  marriage.  Scattered  stud- 
ies in  the  nineteen  twenties  paved  the  way  for  two  research  groups  early 
in  the  1930'$  working  quite  independently,  one  in  Illinois  "  and  the 
other  in  California.16  Their  task  was  to  test  the  factors  making  for  hap- 
piness in  marriage.  Although  the  two  studies  used  different  criteria  of 
marital  success,  the  first  using  "marital  adjustment"  and  the  second 
"marital  happiness,"  the  factors  most  highly  associated  with  marital  suc- 
cess corroborated  each  other  in  both  studies  at  many  significant  points.17 
Because  these  studies  were  limited  to  regionally  restricted  populations, 
conducted  primarily  with  urban  white  couples,  it  was  important  that 
comparative  investigations  be  launched  to  test  these  authors'  findings  in 
other  settings.  Comparable  studies  have  now  been  completed  in  Min- 

«  Click,  op.  cit.,  p.  734. 

16  Ernest  W.  Burgess  and  Leonard  S.  Cottrell,  Jr.,  Predicting  Success  or  Failure 
in  Marriage  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1939). 

16  Lewis  M.  Terman  and  associates,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happiness 
(New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938). 

17  Most  of  the  research  studies  to  date  have  employed  either  the  yardstick  of 
"happiness"  in  marriage  or  "adjustment,"  depending  heavily  on  self-ratings  and 
friends'  ratings  on  happiness  for  ranking  the  couples  studied.     The  happiness  con- 
cept involves  such  difficulties  as  person-to-person  differences  concerning  the  nature 
of  happiness,  the  possibility  that  happiness  may  be  determined  to  a  considerable  de- 
gree by  factors  external  to  the  marriage,  and  the  chance  that  happiness  is  a  tem- 
peramental characteristic  of  the  person  rather  than  a  property  of  trie  marriage.    Ad- 
justment as  a  concept  puts  high  priority  on  agreements  between  husband  and  wife 
on  the  major  issues  of  marriage  without  specifying  at  what  cost  these  agreements  are 
achieved;  namely,  by  wife  giving  in,  having  no  ideas  of  her  own,  and  so  on.    Adjust- 
ment may  be  rated  high  simply  because  there  is  absence  of  marital  conflict.    Actually 
some  conflict  in  marriage  may  be  necessary  for  growth.    For  a  more  detailed  critique 
see,  Waller  and  Hill,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpretation  (N.  Y.:  Dryden,  1951), 
pp.  342-370. 


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166  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

nesota,  Michigan,  New  York,  Indiana,  North  Carolina,  Sweden,  and 
China,  by  Kirkpatrick  and  Taves,  Landis,  Williams,  Locke,  King,  Karls- 
son,  and  Smythe,  respectively.18  In  addition,  Williams  has  studied  rural 
couples,  King  has  studied  Negro  couples,  and  Karlsson  and  Smythe  have 
investigated  couples  in  other  societies.  The  findings  of  these  investiga- 
tions converge  at  a  number  of  points  in  spite  of  the  multiversity  of  the 
populations  studied. 

A  summary  of  the  factors  on  which  the  studies  are  most  frequently 
in  agreement  has  been  prepared  on  pp.  164-165  under  five  major  head- 
ings: "Personality  Characteristics,"  "Cultural  and  Family  Backgrounds," 
"Sociability  Factors,"  "Response  Patterns,"  and  "Sex  Factors."  For 
ease  and  convenience  in  reading,  these  five  areas  are  broken  down  into 
attributes  which  are  favorable,  unfavorable,  or  unrelated  to  marital  suc- 
cess. These  findings  cannot  be  applied  successfully  to  individual  cases. 
At  best  they  are  statistical  averages  derived  from  the  study  of  many  hun- 
dreds of  cases.  It  is  important  to  realize  that  for  every  finding  reflected 
in  this  table  there  are  numerous  marriages  which  are  happy  even  though 
they  do  not  possess  the  quality  listed. 

To  the  extent  that  the  factors  in  the  preceding  table  can  be  meas- 
ured before  marriage,  the  general  matrimonial  risk  of  a  person  may 
be  calculated  much  as  the  life  insurance  companies  compute  the  life 
chances  of  an  individual  applicant  for  insurance  from  actuarial  tables. 
Of  greater  import  to  young  people  about  to  marry  would  be  data  which 
would  enable  them  to  calculate  their  own  matrimonial  risk  in  combina- 
tion with  a  particular  person.  Research  has  not  yet  progressed  to  this 
point  in  the  field  of  marriage  prediction.  It  is  our  considered  judgment 
that  the  present  factors  need  further  testing  before  any  combined  ap- 
plications may  be  made  safely. 

Personality  and  Temperament.  Terman  has  found  that  marital  happi- 
ness is  largely  determined  by  one's  all-round  happiness  of  tempera- 
ment.19 Happiness  of  temperament  is  not  to  be  confused  either  with 
Pollyannish  or  sugary  attitudes  or  with  the  happy-go-lucky  disposition, 
but  refers  to  the  items  listed  under  personality  characteristics  in  the  ta- 
ble just  described.  Non-neurotic,  permissive,  adaptable,  cooperative  in- 
dividuals can  live  comfortably  with  any  but  the  most  disagreeable  mate. 

18  For  publication  data  on  these  studies  see  the  list  of  technical  references  at 
the  end  of  the  chapter,  p.  169. 

19  L.  M.  Terman  and  M.  Oden,  The  Cifted  Child  Grows  Up;  Twenty-Five 
Years  Followup  of  a  Superior  Group  (Palo  Alto:  Stanford  University  Press,  1947), 
Chap.  18. 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  167 

Certain  types  of  personalities  would  find  almost  any  marriage  unbear- 
able, and  their  attributes  are  listed  in  the  unfavorable  column  of  the 
same  table.  Marriage  brings  with  it  situations  which  are  frustrating, 
perplexing,  and  burdensome.  Personalities  which  thrive  under  stress  are 
said  to  have  high  aptitude  for  marriage. 

Cultural  and  Family  Backgrounds.  Cultural  homogeneity  of  back- 
grounds simplifies  the  forging  of  workable  family  routines,  facilitates  the 
arrival  at  mutually  acceptable  solutions  to  problems,  and  increases  the 
likelihood  of  quick  and  open  communication  when  one's  needs  are  not 
met.  Childhood  background,  including  the  happiness  of  parents'  mar- 
riage, the  history  of  happiness  in  childhood,  and  the  disciplinary  policies 
of  parents,  all  appear  significant  in  later  marital  happiness.  One's  ap- 
prenticeship in  the  intimacies  of  family  living  starts  in  the  parental 
home.  If  it  has  been  inadequate,  or  unhappy,  or  distorted,  it  is  usually 
necessary  to  obtain  the  training  for  a  happy  marriage  elsewhere:  in  the 
homes  of  friends,  relatives,  or  from  counseling  and  formal  schooling. 
Young  people  whose  home  experiences  have  been  unhappy  are  not  in- 
frequently highly  motivated  to  avoid  similar  mistakes  in  their  own  mar- 
riages and  make  great  strides  under  proper  guidance. 

Sociability  and  Conventionality.  Sociability,  or  the  tendency  to  join 
with  friends  of  both  sexes  for  companionship,  is  highly  associated  with 
marital  adjustment.  It  is  linked  in  our  list  of  factors  with  convention- 
ality of  social  behavior:  attendance  at  church,  and  conservative  political 
leanings.  In  America  there  is  apparently  some  stability  obtained  from 
conforming  to  the  expectations  of  the  community,  having  the  marriage 
ceremony  performed  by  a  minister  or  priest,  and  maintaining  affiliation 
with  a  church. 

Response  Patterns.  The  capacity  to  give  and  receive  affection,  as 
measured  by  replies  to  questions  on  demonstration  of  affection,  is  as- 
sociated with  success  in  marriage.  Love  based  on  companionship  and 
a  community  of  interests  and  activities  appeared  in  happy  contrast  with 
love  relationships  based  on  romantic  infatuation  and  highly  individual- 
ized interests.  Companionship  based  marriages  were  usually  of  longer 
acquaintance  before  marriage.  The  response  patterns  appear  to  be 
derived  partly  from  parental  family  experiences  and  partly  from  the  his- 
tory of  one's  past  pair  relationships  in  dating,  going  steady,  and  engage- 
ments. Strong  attachment  to  the  father,  some  similarity  between  par- 
ent of  opposite  sex  and  the  affianced,  and  approval  of  the  marriage  by 


168  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

the  parents  reflect  the  pleasurable  history  of  parental  relationships  ante- 
cedent to  marriage.  The  capacity  to  give  and  receive  affection  probably 
stems  directly  from  this  series  of  attachments. 

Attitudes  toward  Sex.  Sexual  adjustment  in  marriage  depends  much 
more  upon  psychological  than  upon  physical  factors.  Marriages  are 
therefore  more  likely  to  be  satisfying  in  this  realm  where  the  first  sex 
information  has  been  received  from  parents  rather  than  acquired  on  the 
street.  Parental  frankness  in  answering  the  questions  of  children  about 
sex  and  in  giving  them  adequate  information  tends  to  develop  healthy 
attitudes  toward  the  sexual  experiences  of  marriage.  These  in  turn  are 
undoubtedly  related  to  achieving  similarity  of  sex  desires,  developing 
orgasm  capacity  in  the  wife,  and  other  tasks  of  sex  adjustment  in  mar- 
riage. 

In  brief  summary  this  chapter  has  pointed  up  the  popularity  of  mar- 
riage in  America.  It  is  without  doubt  our  favorite  institution.  Nine 
out  of  ten  Americans  marry  at  least  once  during  their  lifetime.  The 
reasons  for  marriage  rank  companionship,  home  and  children,  and  se- 
curity high.  Marriages  for  convenience  are  not  only  rare  but  rational- 
ized as  based  on  love  where  they  occur. 

Failure  to  marry  can  be  attributed  to  impersonal  factors  such  as  mal- 
distribution of  marriageable  men  geographically  and  occupationally,  and 
to  personal  factors  having  to  do  with  unhappy  childhood  experiences, 
mother  and  father  dependence,  ineligibility  because  of  American  stand- 
ards of  beauty  and  glamor,  and  perfectionism  in  mate  choice.  Higher 
education  tends  to  narrow  the  field  from  which  a  woman  may  choose  a 
husband,  but  once  married  her  chance  of  success  in  marriage  increases. 

The  evidence  is  overwhelming  that  homogamy  operates  in  mate  se- 
lection. If  opposites  in  background  and  attitudes  attract  each  other  it 
is  apparently  only  temporary  because  they  don't  marry  in  significant 
numbers.  Exceptions  may  be  found  in  the  area  of  need  patterns  where 
opposites  with  complementary  need  patterns  may  possibly  mate  prof- 
itably. 

Finally,  we  found  that  couples  were  more  likely  to  marry  happily 
who  brought  happiness  of  temperament  to  marriage,  who  were  from 
culturally  similar  backgrounds,  conventional  in  their  outlook  on  religion 
and  other  issues,  and  whose  capacity  to  give  and  receive  affection  was 
unimpaired  at  marriage. 


WHO    GETS    MARRIED?  169 

Selected  Readings 

BOWMAN,  HENRY  A.,  Marriage  for  Moderns  (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1948), 
chaps.  2,  3. 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY  G.,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage 
(New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  3. 

LANDIS,  PAUL  H.,  "Sequential  Marriage,"  Journal  of  Home  Economics, 
Vol.  42  (October,  1950),  pp.  625-628. 

SCHEINFELD,  AMRAM,  Women  and  Men  (New  York:  Harcourt,  Brace, 
1944),  Chap.  16. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden,  1951),  Chap.  11. 

Technical  References 

BARRON,  MILTON  L.,  People  Who  Intermarry  (Syracuse:  Syracuse  University 
Press,  1946). 

BURGESS,  E.  w.,  AND  COTTRELL,  LEONARD  s.,  JR.,  Predicting  Success  or  Failure 
in  Marriage  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1939). 

BURGESS,  E.  w.,  AND  WALLIN,  PAUL,  Engagement  and  Marriage  (Chicago: 
Lippincott,  1953). 

CENTERS,  RICHARD,  "Marital  Selection  and  Occupational  Strata,"  American 
Journal  of  Sociology,  Vol.  54  (May,  1949),  pp.  530-536. 

ELLIS,  ALBERT,  "The  Value  of  Marriage  Prediction  Tests,"  American  Socio- 
logical Review,  Vol.  13  (December,  1948),  pp.  710-718. 

GREENBERG,  JOSEPH  H.,  Numerical  Sex  Disproportion  (Boulder,  Colorado: 
University  of  Colorado  Press,  1950). 

KARLSSON,  GEORG,  Adaptability  and  Communication  in  Marriage  (Upsala, 
Sweden:  Upsala  Sociological  Institute,  1951). 

KIRKPATRICK,  CLIFFORD,  What  Science  Says  about  Happiness  in  Marriage 
(Minneapolis:  Burgess  Publishing  Company,  1947). 

KOLB,  WILLIAM  L.,  "Sociologically  Established  Family  Norms  and  Demo- 
cratic Values,"  Social  Forces,  Vol.  28  (May,  1948),  pp.  451-456. 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  "Length  of  Time  Required  to  Achieve  Adjustment  in 
Marriage,"  American  Sociological  Review,  Vol.  11  (December,  1946), 
pp.  666-677. 

LOCKE,  HARVEY  j.,  Predicting  Adjustment  in  Marriage  (New  York:  Holt, 
1951). 

TAVES,  MARVIN  j.,  "A  Direct  vs.  an  Indirect  Approach  in  Measuring  Marital 
Adjustment,"  American  Sociological  Review,  Vol.  13  (October,  1948), 
pp.  538-541. 

TERMAN,  L.  M.,  AND  OTHERS,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happiness 
(New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938). 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden,  1951),  Chap.  17. 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  Chap.  15. 


CHAPTER  NINE 


"Please,  Miss  Larve,  just  say  'I  do'/ 


WEDDING   PLANS 


How  formal  does  a  wedding  have  to  be  to  be  right? 
How  do  you  decide  whom  to  invite  to  your  wedding? 
What  do  you  do  first  in  getting  ready  for  a  wedding? 

Who  pays  for  what? 
Just  how  flexible  can  you  be  and  still  have  a  nice  wedding? 


u, 


NLESS  YOU  WANT  TO  BE  MARRIED  IN  THE  CITY  HALL,   OR  BY  A 

Justice  of  the  Peace  with  all  the  haste  and  impersonality  involved  in 
such  a  marriage,  you  will  need  to  make  some  wedding  plans.  Most 
girls  look  forward  to  some  kind  of  wedding.  However,  many  girls  and 
most  men  do  not  want  a  very  large  formal  type  of  wedding.  You  do 
not  need  to  elope  to  avoid  such  a  wedding.  There  are  simple,  inexpen- 
sive weddings  that  are  satisfying  at  the  moment  and  that  will  bring 
warm  memories  long  afterwards.  But  of  whatever  type,  a  wedding  has  to 
be  planned  to  be  effective. 

When  you  marry,  you  may  not  have  much  choice  about  the  kind  of 
wedding  yours  will  be.  In  some  circles,  the  bride's  mother  takes  over 
almost  completely  and  manages  everything  from  the  first  invitation  to 
the  last  detail  with  only  occasional  reference  to  the  preferences  of  bride 
and  groom.  Your  wedding  may  have  to  conform  to  the  expectations 
of  your  father's  friends  and  associates  or  be  according  to  rigidly  pre- 
scribed forms.  Or,  you  may  find  yourself  being  married  in  the  chapel 
of  a  military  post,  either  with  strict  formality  and  full  military  honors, 
or  in  the  stark  simplicity  of  a  ceremony  arranged  at  a  moment's  notice. 


«72  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Setting  the  Wedding  Date 

The  date  of  your  wedding  may  have  to  be  set  at  the  time  of  a  military 
leave  or  a  long-awaited  vacation  from  work.  Then  all  your  plans  and 
arrangements  are  made  around  those  dates  as  soon  as  they  are  fairly  defi- 
nite. If  there  is  some  flexibility,  the  bride  usually  sets  the  date  that 
will  come  at  a  time  when  she  is  not  menstruating,  and  allows  time  to 
get  her  clothes  ready,  and  wedding  arrangements  completed.  She  talks 
over  possible  dates  with  her  fiance  and  together  they  choose  a  wedding 
time  that  will  be  most  convenient  to  them  both. 

As  soon  as  the  couple  has  selected  a  tentative  date  for  their  wed- 
ding, it  is  wise  for  them  to  clear  it  with  both  immediate  families,  to  rule 
out  the  possibility  of  a  conflicting  date  of  importance,  and  to  reserve 
the  date  definitely  in  family  plans.  This  is  not  too  early  to  contact  the 
church,  chapel,  or  club  to  make  sure  that  it  may  be  reserved  for  the 
hour  of  the  wedding,  unless  of  course  this  is  to  be  a  home  wedding. 
Which  brings  us  to  the  question,  what  kind  of  wedding  is  it  to  be? 

Types  of  Weddings 

The  type  of  wedding  you  have  depends  upon  many  factors:  i.  your  own 
hopes  and  dreams  through  the  years;  2.  the  amount  of  money  you  want 
to  spend;  3.  the  families  you  both  come  from,  their  wishes  and  interests 
and  social  standing;  4.  your  location  with  particular  reference  to  the 
kinds  of  places  suitable  for  a  wedding;  5.  the  number  of  friends  and  rela- 
tives you  want  to  invite;  and  6.  the  amount  of  time  you  have  to  plan 
ahead  for  the  wedding. 

Weddings  range  all  the  way  from  simple  informal  affairs  to  large 
formal  pageants.  You  may  choose  the  type  of  wedding  that  best  fits 
your  situation  from  any  of  the  following  general  patterns  with  whatever 
modifications  make  the  occasion  most  meaningful  to  you. 

1  Small  home  wedding  with  only  members  of  the  immediate  families 
present,  and  whatever  decorations,  music,  and  refreshments  seem  suit- 
able.   Such  a  wedding  is  the  least  expensive  in  time  and  money,  and 
can  follow  the  individual  wishes  of  the  couple  more  freely  than  other 
types. 

2  Informal  chapel  wedding  to  which  only  immediate  relatives  and  close 
friends  are  invited/with  the  couple  receiving  their  guests  in  the  foyer 


WEDDING    PLANS  173 

following  the  ceremony.  Although  there  may  be  no  reception  as  such, 
the  immediate  wedding  party  may  go  somewhere  for  a  wedding  break- 
fast afterwards  if  they  wish.  This  type  of  wedding  can  be  easily  ar- 
ranged, kept  as  simple  as  the  couple  desires,  is  inexpensive,  and  can  be 
quite  lovely.  One  modification  of  this  is  for  the  wedding  to  take  place 
following  a  regular  service  in  the  bride's  church,  to  which  the  guests 
come  as  soon  as  the  previous  service  is  over.  This  is  convenient  for  or- 
ganist, minister,  and  many  guests.  The  altar  is  already  decorated,  and 
extra  arrangements  are  kept  to  a  minimum. 

3  Small  -wedding  in  church,  home,  or  club  to  which  members  of  the 
two  families  and  friends  are  invited,  followed  by  a  reception,  that  may 
include  a  longer  guest  list,  if  desired.    The  reception  may  take  place  in 
the  church  parlors,  in  the  home,  the  club,  or  in  some  other  suitable 
place  nearby.    The  longer  guest  list  may  be  for  the  ceremony  itself  with 
only  a  few  chosen  friends  and  family  members  invited  to  the  reception 
that  follows  in  another  place.    When  the  reception  is  held  at  the  place 
of  the  ceremony,  all  those  attending  the  ceremony  are  invited  to  the  re- 
ception as  well. 

4  The  home,  garden,  or  club  -wedding  and  reception  for  everyone  in  the 
same  location.    In  this  type  of  wedding  there  is  a  flow  from  the  cere- 
mony to  the  receiving  line  to  the  refreshment  tables  with  all  guests  par- 
ticipating.   This  may  be  an  elaborate  affair  of  The  Father  of  the  Bride 
variety,  or  it  may  be  a  simple  ceremony  under  the  trees  in  the  yard  or 
at  an  altar  improvised  inside.    A  sit-down  wedding  breakfast,  a  buffet 
supper,  or  simple  refreshments  of  the  stand-up  sort,  around  whatever 
menu  is  appropriate,  is  chosen  depending  upon  the  number  of  guests, 
the  accommodations,  personnel  to  serve,  and  of  course  the  budget. 

5  Formal,  or  semijormal  church  -wedding,  followed  by  a  small  home  or 
club  reception  to  which  only  a  few  friends  and  the  two  families  are 
asked.    Here  the  pomp  and  splendor  are  in  the  ceremony,  with  the  sec- 
ondary interest  in  the  reception.    This  can  be  as  elaborate  or  as  simple 
as  the  bride  and  her  family  may  desire.    The  formal  ceremony  itself  de- 
mands both  time  and  money  to  be  in  accordance  with  traditional  form. 
A  wedding  consultant  to  advise  on  the  costuming  of  the  wedding  party, 
decorations,  wedding  processional,  the  recessional,  and  all  such  details, 
can  be  a  great  help  in  the  formal  wedding,  which  to  be  proper  must 
conform  to  convention. 


174  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

6  Large,  formal  church,  cathedral,  or  synagogue  'wedding,  followed  by 
home,  hotel,  or  country  club  reception  to  which  all  wedding  guests  are 
invited.  Here,  money  is  no  object,  and  the  bills  may  total  many  thou- 
sands of  dollars.  This  may  represent  not  only  the  family's  investment  in 
the  couple,  but  as  is  often  the  case,  is  one  way  of  attaining  or  maintain- 
ing social  position  and/or  cementing  business  interests.  Such  a  wed- 
ding lies  outside  the  scope  of  this  writing.  Professional  wedding  serv- 
ices are  in  the  business  of  arranging  large  formal  weddings  down  to  the 
last  detail,  under  contract  for  a  suitable  fee. 


Whom  to  Invite  and  How 

It  is  usual  for  the  family  of  the  bride  to  invite  the  guests  to  the  wed- 
ding. As  soon  as  the  decision  has  been  made  as  to  the  type  of  wedding 
it  will  be,  the  bride  and  her  family,  in  consultation  with  the  groom  and 
his  parents,  make  out  the  list  of  persons  to  be  invited.  If  the  wedding 
is  to  be  a  small  home  affair,  with  only  members  of  the  immediate  fami- 
lies present,  the  matter  is  a  simple  one  except  in  problems  of  close  rela- 
tives by  blood  or  marriage  who  have  been  cut  off  from  the  family  by  dis- 
tance, divorce,  or  estrangement.  It  is  wise  to  invite  all  such  family 
members  as  is  at  all  possible.  To  exclude  them  from  such  an  important 
occasion  is  often  to  widen  the  breach  and  to  make  for  feelings  of  guilt 
and  uneasiness  among  those  present.  Whether  or  not  they  are  in- 
cluded, the  decision  should  be  the  joint  responsibility  of  all  the  family 
members  planning  the  wedding. 

Members  of  the  immediate  family  and  close  friends  may  be  invited 
to  the  small  home,  or  informal  chapel  wedding,  personally  by  the  bride 
or  her  mother,  by  word  of  mouth,  telephone,  telegraph,  or  informal 
note,  whichever  is  most  convenient.  In  this  case,  announcements  of 
the  wedding  are  sent  to  all  other  relatives  and  friends  as  soon  as  the 
ceremony  has  been  performed. 

Guests  to  formal  or  semi-formal  weddings  are  always  invited  by  en- 
graved wedding  invitations  according  to  prescribed  forms  available  at 
the  engravers.  These  are  mailed  from  three  to  four  weeks  in  advance  of 
the  ceremony.  The  order  should  be  placed  with  the  engraver  about  six 
weeks  before  the  mailing  date.  Outside  envelopes  in  the  quantity  de- 
cided upon  may  be  secured  from  the  engraver  at  the  time  the  order  is 


WEDDING    PLANS  175 

placed,  so  that  addressing  may  be  done  in  pen  and  ink  at  home  while 
the  engraving  is  being  completed.  If  the  list  is  very  long,  it  is  well  to 
alphabetize  it  and  check  for  duplicates  and  omissions  before  addressing 
the  envelopes. 

The  engraved  invitation  may  be  used  also  in  informal  weddings  to 
which  a  considerable  number  of  guests  are  being  invited.  If  engraving 
is  too  costly  an  item  in  the  wedding  budget,  there  is  a  form  of  raised 
printing  that  is  frequently  used  instead  of  engraving  that  is  much  less 
expensive.  The  same  general  forms,  dates  for  mailing  and  other  cus- 
toms are  followed. 

On  the  outside  envelopes  go  the  full  names  and  addresses  of  the 
guests.  Both  husband  and  wife  are  invited  as  a  Mr.  and  Mrs.  unit,  ex- 
cept in  a  case  like  the  following.  When  the  entire  office  force  goes  as  a 
group  to  a  wedding  of  one  of  its  members  at  or  close  to  office  hours,  it 
is  not  expected  that  the  husbands  and  wives  of  members  of  the  office 
staff  will  be  invited. 

If  there  is  some  question  about  the  correct  address  of  the  guest,  the 
return  address  of  the  sender  may  be  included  on  the  outside  envelope; 
otherwise  it  is  not  necessary. 

Names  of  members  of  the  family  not  specifically  indicated  on  the 
outside  envelope  may  be  written  on  the  inside  envelope  of  the  wedding 
invitation,  so  that  it  may  be  clear  just  who  it  is  that  is  being  invited.  In 
the  case  of  a  couple  with  two  children,  for  instance,  the  names  of  each 
one  of  the  four  would  be  listed  one  under  the  other  on  the  inside  en- 
velope. It  is  not  necessary  to  invite  the  children  to  the  wedding,  but  if 
one  is  invited,  the  other(s)  should  be  included  except  for  some  impor- 
tant reason.  Names  of  other  relatives  (brothers,  sisters,  mothers,  etc.) 
living  in  the  same  residence  may  similarly  be  included  in  the  listing  of 
names  on  the  inside  envelope,  or,  somewhat  more  properly,  they  may 
receive  separate  invitations.  It  is  usual  for  family  members  at  different 
addresses  and  for  members  of  an  engaged  couple  to  receive  separate  in- 
vitations. 

Unless  you  put  R.S.V.P.  on  the  invitations  to  your  wedding  and  re- 
ception, your  guests  are  under  no  obligation  to  reply.  So,  if  you  need 
to  know  the  number  of  guests  to  be  expected,  be  sure  to  indicate  on  the 
invitation  that  a  reply  is  expected,  including  the  address  to  which  the 
reply  is  to  be  sent,  if  there  is  apt  to  be  some  question  about  it.  Replies 


176  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

to  formal  invitations  are  usually  written  in  the  third  person  and  mailed 
first  class.  Informal  invitations  may  be  acknowledged  by  a  simple  note, 
or  verbally  by  telephone,  or  by  person  to  person. 

If  you  have  a  considerable  number  of  acceptances  and  regrets  to 
keep  track  of,  you  will  need  some  kind  of  system  that  will  give  you  an 
accurate  count.  One  bride-to-be  simply  set  two  boxes,  one  marked 
"YES"  and  the  other  "NO/'  on  a  convenient  table.  As  replies  came  in 
the  mail,  or  were  given  members  of  her  family,  they  were  dropped  into 
the  "YES"  box  if  they  were  acceptances,  and  the  "NO"  box  if  regrets. 
Her  tallies  of  each  gave  her  a  basis  for  an  estimate  for  the  caterer,  and 
a  final  figure  of  total  response.  Tip:  Always  plan  for  a  few  extras;  you 
never  can  tell! 


Announcements 

Engraved  (or  raised  printing  for  economy's  sake)  announcements  of  the 
marriage  are  sent  to  all  relatives  and  friends  who  did  not  receive  an  in- 
vitation to  the  wedding.  Announcements  follow  a  slightly  different 
form  than  invitations,  examples  of  which  are  available  to  serve  as  mod- 
els at  any  stationer's  or  engraver's  office.  Lists  of  persons  to  receive  an- 
nouncements are  collected  from  both  bride  and  groom  and  their  fami- 
lies, compiled  and  checked  for  duplicates  as  is  done  for  invitations. 
Envelopes  are  personally  addressed  in  pen  and  ink  at  home  while 
awaiting  delivery  of  the  announcements  and  the  inside  envelopes.  These 
may  be  prepared  ahead.  But,  they  are  not  mailed  until  after  the  cere- 
mony, usually  by  some  member  of  the  bride's  family.  An  "at  home" 
card  giving  the  address  of  the  newly  married  couple  and  the  date  by 
which  they  will  be  settled  may  be  enclosed  with  the  announcement,  or 
included  in  it,  for  the  convenience  of  those  who  may  wish  to  call,  or 
send  wedding  gifts  to  the  couple. 

As  with  the  invitations,  the  bride's  parents'  names  are  the  first  named 
on  the  announcement.  In  cases  of  death  or  divorce,  the  remaining  par- 
ent's name  alone  is  correct.  When  the  bride  is  a  mature  woman  long 
out  of  her  parental  home,  she  may  announce  her  own  marriage  quite 
properly  according  to  forms  already  developed  and  available  as  models. 

If,  for  some  reason,  the  formal  announcement  is  not  desired,  either 
the  bride  or  some  senior  member  of  her  family  may  write  to  relatives 
and  friends  not  present  at  her  marriage,  telling  them  about  it,  and  thus 


WEDDING    PLANS  177 

announcing  it  informally.  Likewise,  the  groom  or  one  of  his  parents 
writes  members  of  his  family  and  friends  about  the  wedding  as  soon  as 
convenient. 

Wedding  Gifts 

As  soon  as  invitations  are  out,  wedding  gifts  begin  to  arrive.  Each  one 
should  be  personally  acknowledged  by  the  bride  just  as  soon  as  possible. 
With  all  the  other  things  she  has  to  do  as  the  wedding  date  approaches, 
some  sort  of  system  will  help.  It  is  wise  to  plan  ahead  on  where  gifts 
will  be  kept  and  how  they  will  be  displayed.  As  each  gift  arrives,  it  is 
labeled  with  a  number  corresponding  to  that  which  the  bride  writes  for 
it  in  her  gift  record  along  the  following  headings: 


Description  Date          Name  and  Address         Name  and  Address  Date 

N°'  of  Gift  Rec'd  of  Sender  of  Store  Acknowledged 


Such  gift  records  appear  in  the  back  of  wedding  books  given  brides  by 
some  stores,  or  she  may  make  her  own  in  any  way  that  seems  most  con- 
venient for  her  to  keep  her  gift  record  straight. 

When  a  gift  arrives,  the  bride  may  wait  until  her  fiance  drops  by  be- 
fore opening  it,  if  they  enjoy  opening  gifts  together.  Or,  she  may  open 
it  and  enter  it  into  her  record  at  once,  carefully  preserving  the  card,  and 
perhaps  the  packing  slip  from  the  store  from  which  it  was  sent.  (WARN- 
ING! Many  gifts  are  multiple,  so  wrappings  should  be  searched  carefully 
before  they  are  discarded.)  If  she  keeps  close  by  the  spot  where  she  un- 
wraps her  gifts  such  items  as  pen,  note  paper,  stamps,  and  her  address 
book,  she  will  find  that  it  does  not  take  too  long  to  immediately  ac- 
knowledge each  gift  as  it  arrives.  It  is  gracious  of  her  to  specifically  men- 
tion the  gift  and  express  her  warm  appreciation  for  it  and  tell  how  she 
plans  to  use  and  enjoy  it. 


178  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Returning  Wedding  Gifts.  It  sometimes  happens  that  a  couple  will 
have  no  use  for  a  gift  that  has  been  sent  them.  One  couple  received 
seventeen  sugars  and  creamers,  only  a  few  of  which  could  be  expected  to 
be  used.  In  such  a  case,  and  in  all  other  cases  where  the  gift  does  not 
fit  into  the  plans  of  the  couple,  it  may  be  returned  to  the  store  from 
which  it  was  sent  and  exchanged  for  something  more  suitable.  It  is 
therefore  wise  for  the  bride  to  save  the  packing  slips  and  the  inner  box 
in  which  the  gift  comes,  for  use  in  case  it  is  to  be  exchanged.  In  a  situa- 
tion like  this,  the  bride  may  acknowledge  the  gift  as  usual,  being  careful 
not  to  say  anything  to  offend  or  hurt  the  sender  at  the  same  time  that 
she  avoids  telling  a  falsehood.  She  can  always  express  her  gratitude  for 
being  remembered  without  mention  of  the  possible  inappropriateness 
of  a  gift. 

In  the  event  that  the  engagement  is  broken,  after  wedding  gifts  have 
been  received,  the  gifts  are  returned  to  the  senders  with  a  little  note  in- 
dicating that  the  wedding  plans  have  been  cancelled.  Postponement  of 
the  wedding  in  case  of  illness,  death,  or  for  any  other  reason  does  not 
necessitate  the  return  of  the  gifts. 

Broken  or  Undelivered  Wedding  Gifts.  What  should  you  do  if  a  gift 
is  delivered  in  a  damaged  condition?  If  the  gift  has  been  sent  by  a 
store,  it  is  quite  proper  to  call  or  write  the  store  saying  that  the  item 
sent  to  you  on  such  a  date  as  a  gift  by  Mrs.  So-and-So  has  arrived  in 
such  and  such  condition,  and  asking  them  to  pick  it  up  and  replace  it. 
If  the  package  was  wrapped  and  sent  from  home,  it  is  best  to  say  noth- 
ing about  its  condition  when  acknowledging  the  gift.  If  the  giver  asks 
you  specifically  about  the  gift,  of  course  you  will  have  to  tell  her. 

The  undelivered  gift  is  another  cause  for  frequent  embarrassment. 
Aunt  Mary  told  Jane  that  she  was  sending  her  an  electric  toaster  for  a 
wedding  gift.  The  wedding  is  long  since  over,  and  still  no  toaster,  nor 
further  word  from  Aunt  Mary.  Jane  needs  a  toaster,  but  hesitates  to 
buy  one  when  Aunt  Mary  still  might  send  it  as  she  volunteered.  What 
should  Jane  do?  One  real  possibility  is  that  Aunt  Mary  ordered  the 
toaster  to  be  sent  as  a  gift,  and  the  store  failed  to  fill  the  order.  Jane 
might  operate  on  this  assumption  and,  writing  a  pleasant  note  to  Aunt 
Mary,  mention  her  anticipation  of  receiving  the  toaster  that  Aunt  Mary 
said  she  was  sending.  If  Aunt  Mary  wonders  why  no  acknowledgment 
of  her  gift  has  come,  she  can  either  have  the  store  check  its  records,  or 
she  may  tactfully  ask  Jane  if  the  item  has  been  delivered.  Such  a  fol- 


WEDDING    PLANS  179 

low-up  on  either  the  giver's  or  the  receiver's  part  is  a  kindness  when 
carefully  managed. 

Suggestions  for  Wedding  Gift  Selections.  Many  stores  offer  prospec- 
tive brides  a  service,  in  which  the  bride  goes  over  the  stock  and  selects 
those  things  that  she  would  like  to  have.  The  store  then  lists  these,  in- 
cluding her  choice  of  silver  pattern,  household  china  and  glassware, 
color  schemes,  etc.,  so  that  those  who  wish  to  send  some  suitable  gift 
may  choose  from  the  list  ©f  possibilities  registered  with  the  store.  This 
assures  the  sender  of  giving  something  that  will  be  appropriate,  and  the 
bride  and  groom  of  receiving  things  that  they  want  and  can  use. 

Friends  and  family  members  often  ask  either  the  bride  or  her  mother 
what  would  be  acceptable  as  a  wedding  gift.  It  is  quite  all  right  to  reply 
specifically  if  it  is  done  in  such  a  way  that  the  sender  is  given  some 
latitude  for  the  cost  of  the  item.  For  instance,  if  the  giver  indicates 
that  she  would  like  to  send  silver,  the  name  of  the  pattern  selected  may 
be  given  her  so  that  she  may  add  a  piece  or  as  many  pieces  as  fit  her 
budget.  Or,  a  list  of  several  items  of  varying  costs  may  be  suggested. 
In  answer  to  the  direct  question  about  the  acceptability  of  some  specific 
item:  " Would  you  like  an  electric  iron?"  the  reply  may  be  frank  ap- 
preciation or  rejection  of  the  suggestion;  e.g.,  "Oh,  we'd  love  one,  thank 
you,"  or  "Thank  you,  it's  a  grand  idea,  but  Ted's  mother  has  already 
sent  us  one." 

In  answer  to  the  question,  "Is  money  an  acceptable  wedding  gift?" 
Emily  Post  says  "No,"  listing  as  her  reason  the  fact  that  the  money  is 
spent  and  the  couple  has  nothing  definite  to  remember  the  sender  by. 
However,  many  couples  who  marry  today  find  money  a  highly  accept- 
able gift  in  many  instances.  Some  couples  are  not  able  to  establish  a 
household  of  their  own  for  some  time.  For  them  the  problem  of  stor- 
ing wedding  gifts  may  be  a  difficult  one.  Other  couples  go  to  house- 
keeping in  limited  quarters  where  there  will  be  no  place  to  put  many  of 
the  things  that  they  get  for  their  wedding.  Most  young  couples  start 
out  with  limited  finances  that  must  be  stretched  as  far  as  dollars  can 
go  and,  knowing  just  what  they  need  and  what  they  can  do  without 
for  a  while,  can  possibly  more  wisely  spend  the  gift  allotment  than 
could  all  but  their  closest  associates. 

One  possible  compromise  between  Emily  Post  and  modern  expedi- 
ency is  the  giving  of  a  United  States  Government  Bond,  which  may  be 
turned  in  for  cash  at  once  if  needed,  or  "salted  away"  as  a  gift  of  se- 


180  ANTICIPATING   MARRIAGE 

curity  from  the  sender  until  it  matures,  or  until  it  can  be  used  to  pur- 
chase some  much  needed  item  for  the  new  household. 

Clothes  for  the  Wedding 

Your  wedding  clothes  and  those  of  your  guests  will  be  in  keeping  with 
the  type  of  wedding  yours  is  to  be.  Procedure  for  the  formal  wedding 
rigidly  prescribes  the  clothing  worn  by  bride,  groom,  and  all  members 
of  the  wedding  party.  More  simple  weddings  allow  considerable  lati- 
tude within  certain  general  conventions.  Wedding  clothes  do  not  need 
to  be  expensive  to  be  appropriate  and  effective.  They  may  be  as  elabo- 
rate as  the  bride  and  her  family  may  choose. 

What  the  Bride  Wears.  The  bride  chooses  her  wedding  outfit  as  the 
keynote  theme  of  her  wedding.  If  the  wedding  is  formal,  her  dress  will 
be  in  traditional  white  or  near-white  in  some  suitable  fabric,  with  a  train 
from  three  to  seven  yards  in  length  over  which  falls  the  wedding  veil 
from  the  bridal  headpiece  of  fabric,  flowers,  or  jewels  in  keeping  with 
the  period  and  style  of  the  gown.  Depending  upon  its  elaborateness 
the  formal  wedding  gown  may  cost  anywhere  from  several  hundred  to 
several  thousands  of  dollars.  To  be  right,  it  must  be  carefully  fitted. 

Any  bride-for-the-first-time  may  wear  a  traditional  white  wedding 
gown  no  matter  what  the  type  of  her  wedding.  For  the  informal  wed- 
ding, the  bride's  outfit  may  be  a  simple  floor  length  model  and  either  no 
train  or  one  of  a  yard  or  so  in  length,  with  a  veil  that  is  finger  tip  length 
caught  in  a  simple  fabric  headpiece,  or  a  garland  of  flowers.  She  may 
wear  the  wedding  dress  that  she  has  inherited  from  her  mother  or 
grandmother,  carefully  fitted  to  her  figure.  She  may  buy  her  gown  and 
veil,  or  have  it  made  for  her,  or  as  some  gifted  girls  do,  she  may  make 
it  herself.  The  cost  may  be  as  low  as  a  few  dollars  and  her  time;  or  it 
may  mount  up  depending  upon  the  quality  of  the  material,  the  profes- 
sional fitting  needed,  and  "the  name"  of  the  designer. 

The  bride  may  choose  to  wear  a  ballet  length  gown  in  white  or  pastel 
color.  Or  she  may  wear  a  street  length  gown  in  some  soft  becoming 
color  and  fabric.  Or,  she  may  select  a  well-cut  suit  and  blouse  with 
which  she  would  wear  hat  and  gloves.  Shoes  and  other  accessories  are 
chosen  in  keeping  with  the  rest  of  her  outfit. 

Outfits  for  the  Bride's  Attendants.  There  are  just  two  rules  for  what 
bridesmaids  should  wear:  i.  bridesmaids'  costumes  are  in  the  same  pe- 


WEDDING    PLANS  181 

riod  as  the  bride's,  and  fit  into  the  wedding  theme  that  she  has  set. 
2.  bridesmaids'  costumes  are  alike,  except  possibly  in  color.  Fabric, 
styling,  and  accessories  harmonize  with  the  costumes  worn  by  the  bride 
and  her  attendant. 

The  matron  of  honor,  or  the  maid  of  honor  (if  unmarried)  is  the 
personal  attendant  of  the  bride  and  chooses  her  costume  to  complement 
that  of  the  bride.  She  may  or  may  not  wear  a  hat  or  headpiece  depend- 
ing upon  the  nature  of  the  costume.  When  gloves  are  worn  they  are 
long  with  a  short-sleeved  dress  or  short  with  a  long-sleeved  dress.  Her 
flowers  may  be  in  any  harmonious  color  and  style.  Her  outfit  is  usually 
slightly  different  from  that  of  the  bridesmaids'  but  harmonizes  in  color 
and  styling. 

The  flower  girl,  usually  a  child  of  the  family  or  close  friends,  wears 
a  dress  like  that  of  the  bridesmaids  or  one  that  is  of  the  same  general 
type,  with  suitable  accessories. 

T/)e  Groom  and  His  Attendants  Dress  Alike.  Whatever  the  type  of 
wedding,  the  men  of  the  party  dress  alike.  At  the  formal  evening  wed- 
ding, the  groom,  his  best  man,  and  the  ushers  all  wear  full  dress  suits: 
"White  tie  and  tails."  For  the  formal  daytime  wedding,  cutaway  coats 
and  dark  gray  striped  trousers,  gray  tie  and  gloves  are  prescribed.  A 
simple  wedding  calls  for  dark  blue  suits,  white  shirts,  plain  ties,  and  no 
gloves  for  the  men  of  the  wedding  party.  In  summertime,  informal 
white  jackets  and  dark  blue  trousers  are  sometimes  worn  at  informal 
weddings. 

Only  the  men's  boutonnieres  are  different.  The  groom's  lapel  blos- 
som is  usually  white,  while  those  of  the  groom's  attendants  may  be  in 
color.  The  groom's  boutonniere  may  be  somewhat  more  elaborate 
than  the  best  man's  and  the  ushers';  some  little  distinction  marks  the 
groom  as  "the  man  of  the  day"  apart  from  his  attendants. 

In  some  circles  suits  of  the  same  material  for  bride  and  groom  have 
been  popular.  The  color  usually  is  some  shade  of  blue,  although  there 
is  no  reason  why  some  other  color  becoming  to  both  could  not  be 
chosen.  Black  is  rarely  worn  at  weddings  because  of  its  association  with 
mourning.  Brown  and  gray  suits  for  men  are  not  usual  at  weddings,  but 
there  is  no  absolute  rule  that  forbids  them.  In  general,  although  there 
are  conventions  about  what  is  proper  to  wear,  the  choice  is  up  to  the 
bride  and  groom  whose  wedding  it  is! 


182  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 


OF  THINGS  TO  DO 

The  Wedding  Planned  Well  in  Advance 


THREE  TO  FOUR  MONTHS  BEFORE  THE  WEDDING 

•  Set  the  wedding  date  (in  consultation  with  members  of  both  families 
in  so  far  as  is  possible) . 

•  Consider  possible  types  of  weddings  suitable  to  your  situation  and 
choose  the  kind  of  wedding  you  both  and  your  families  can  agree  would 
be  best. 

•  Select  the  place  for  the  wedding  and  reserve  it  for  your  date. 

•  Consult  your  minister,  priest,  or  rabbi  about  your  marriage  and  wed- 
ding plans. 

•  Make  arrangements  for  the  reception,  reserving  the  date,  determining 
in  general  the  kind  of  food,  who  will  prepare  and  serve  it,  and  the  num- 
ber of  guests  in  round  numbers. 

•  Choose  your  wedding  attendants  and  invite  them,  specifying  the  defi- 
nite date  and  the  type  of  wedding. 

•  Select  the  color  scheme  and  general  motif  of  the  entire  wedding,  keep- 
ing in  mind  the  season  of  the  year,  the  type  of  wedding  chosen,  the 
budget,  and  your  own  preferences. 

•  Plan  bride's  wedding  gown  and  accessories,  and  those  for  bridal  at- 
tendants in  keeping  with  your  type  of  wedding,  your  over-all  scheme, 
your  budget,  and  whether  the  gowns  will  be  handmade  or  purchased. 

•  Start  a  master  list  of  persons  to  be  invited  to  the  wedding,  including 
those  suggested  by  you  both  and  your  families.    Make  a  plan  for  thin- 
ning  if  the  list  becomes  too  long  to  be  accommodated.    Develop  a  system 
for  checking  duplicates. 

TWO  TO  THREE  MONTHS  BEFORE  THE  WEDDING 

•  Order  invitations  from  your  stationer  or  engraver  according  to  the 
model  and  the  script  desired.    Order  in  round  numbers  in  lots  of  fifty  or 
one  hundred,  allowing  more  than  the  total  of  lists  compiled  to  date.    Cal- 
culate the  percentage  of  acceptances  you  can  reasonably  expect,  and  so 
estimate  the  number  of  invitations  it  will  be  feasible  to  send. 

•  Arrange  for  announcements  (to  those  not  being  invited  to  the  wed- 
ding) according  to  the  same  plan  of  estimating  numbers  as  for  invita- 
tions. 


WEDDING    PLANS  It3 

•  Order  informals  for  acknowledging  your  wedding  gifts  at  this  time  if 
you  prefer  these  to  other  simple  suitable  note  paper.    The  number  should 
approximate  that  of  the  size  of  the  invitation  list. 

•  Explore  possibilities  for  where  you  will  live,  making  whatever  tentative 
arrangements  are  possible.    If  you  are  fortunate  in  having  a  definite  place 
into  which  you  will  move,  it  is  not  too  soon  to  plan  for  its  furnishing  and 
to  start  getting  it  in  order. 

ONE  TO  TWO  MONTHS  BEFORE  THE  WEDDING 

•  Bride  goes  to  a  good  gynecologist  for  her  premarital  examination  ac- 
cording to  the  suggestions  outlined  in  Chapter  Six.    She  follows  through 
on  his  (or  her)  recommendations  before  the  wedding,  including  a  return 
for  routine  blood  tests  a  week  or  two  preceding  the  wedding  date. 

•  Groom  gets  his  complete  premarital  examination,  making  appointment 
for  blood  tests. 

•  Address  the  invitations  in  preparation  for  mailing  three  to  four  weeks 
before  the  wedding.    The  outside  envelopes  may  be  picked  up  before  the 
engraving  is  finished  if  you  wish.    The  envelopes  are  addressed  in  pen 
and  ink  in  a  legible  hand  by  the  bride  with  whatever  help  is  offered  by 
members  of  her  family,  the  groom  and  perhaps  members  of  his  family. 
One  bride  made  a  party  of  it  with  both  families  gathered  around  the 
dining  room  table,  address  books  at  hand,  following  a  pleasant  informal 
meal  in  joint-family  style. 

•  Decide  on  your  honeymoon  plans  considering  the  special  interests  of 
you  both  and  the  function  of  the  honeymoon  (see  Chapter  Ten).    Make 
advance  reservations  for  accommodations  and  travel. 

•  Select  "going  away"  outfits  and  trousseau,  including  appropriate  acces- 
sories. 

•  Check  your  luggage  needs. 

•  Express  interest  in  what  both  mothers  will  wear  to  the  wedding,  giving 
what  suggestions  and  help  seem  to  be  indicated. 

THREE  TO  FOUR  WEEKS  BEFORE  THE  WEDDING 

•  Mail  the  wedding  invitations  (not  the  announcements,  yet).    First 
class  postage  is  expected.    Air  mail  is  indicated  only  for  relatives  and 
friends  in  far  distant  places. 

•  Order  the  wedding  cake  and  make  final  arrangements  for  the  wedding 
breakfast  and/or  the  reception.    Estimate  the  number  to  be  served  with 
final  figure  promised  as  replies  come  in,  just  before  the  wedding  (two  or 
three  days  to  a  week  is  usual). 

•  Select  the  photographer  and  discuss  with  him  what  kinds  of  pictures 
you  will  want,  and  make  definite  appointments  with  him. 

•  Check  on  the  legal  requirements  for  marriage  in  your  state. 

•  Arrange  for  out-of-town  guests. 


184  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

•  Bride  gets  a  permanent  if  she  needs  one,  and  makes  appointments 
ahead  for  the  day  before  the  wedding,  or  at  a  time  that  seems  best. 

•  Select  and  order  your  flowers  for  the  wedding. 

•  Arrange  for  decorations  needed  for  the  wedding,  the  wedding  break- 
fast, and  the  reception. 

•  Register  your  preferences  at  the  wedding  bureau  of  the  store  where 
your  friends  and  family  will  most  likely  shop  for  your  gifts. 

•  Plan  for  the  way  in  which  you  will  acknowledge  your  gifts  as  they  ar- 
rive, and  how  they  will  be  displayed. 

THE  WEEK  OR  TWO  BEFORE  THE  WEDDING 

•  Final  check  with  your  doctors,  routine  blood  tests  preliminary  to  get- 
ting the  license. 

•  Go  together  for  your  marriage  license. 

•  Arrange  transportation  for  the  wedding  party. 

•  Make  final  preparations  for  the  rehearsal  and  for  presenting  gifts  to  the 
wedding  party.    The  rehearsal  is  usually  the  day  before  the  wedding.    A 
simple  party  in  connection  with  the  rehearsal  is  an  acceptable  time  for 
bestowing  gifts  upon  members  of  the  wedding  party.    Caution:  Do  not 
attempt  too  elaborate  an  affair  the  night  before  the  wedding.    You'll  want 
to  be  rested  and  fresh  then. 

•  Groom  gets  hair  cut;  bride  gets  hair  done  and  whatever  else  that  will 
make  her  feel  lovely. 

•  Allow  plenty  of  time  for  dressing  and  last  minute  details  on  your  wed- 
ding day. 


The  Wedding  Planned  on  Short  Notice 


•  Set  the  date  and  decide  the  type  of  wedding,  clearing  the  time  with 
the  minister  and  both  families. 

•  See  your  doctor(s)  for  a  complete  premarital  examination  and  the  blood 
tests  required  in  your  state. 

•  Make  arrangements  for  what  you  both  and  the  other  members  of  the 
wedding  party  will  wear. 

•  Write  invitation  notes  and  order  announcements. 

•  Arrange  for  wedding  cake,  refreshments,  flowers,  and  photographer. 

•  Get  your  marriage  license. 

•  Keep  calm,  share  the  responsibilities,  enjoy  every  minute  of  it  ...  it's 
your  wedding! 


WEDDING    PLANS  185 

Wedding  Costs 

Wedding  costs  fluctuate  with  the  times.  When  prices  are  generally 
high,  then  everything  used  for  the  wedding  costs  more  than  when  price 
levels  are  low.  But  even  then,  wedding  costs  vary  tremendously.  Your 
wedding  may  be  as  economical  or  as  expensive  as  you  make  it.  One 
study  made  by  Professor  B.  F.  Timmons *  in  1937-38,  when  prices  were 
generally  low,  reported  the  following  actual  wedding  costs  incurred  by 
154  couples: 

COSTS  $1.00-250.  25i.-5oo.  5oi.-75o.  75i.-iooo.  1000.  and  up 
CASES  63  51  22  6  12 

Even  when  price  levels  are  high,  a  wedding  does  not  need  to  be  an 
extravagant  item  in  your  budget.  The  items  that  tend  to  make  the 
wedding  expensive  are  largely  those  having  to  do  with  "show."  By 
choosing  simple  wedding  costumes  and  decorations  and  keeping  refresh- 
ments within  line,  a  wedding  may  be  very  lovely  and  still  of  moderate 
cost.  Or,  if  money  is  no  object,  an  elaborate  wedding  can  cost  many 
thousands  of  dollars. 

According  to  convention  wedding  costs  are  assumed  by  both  the 
bride  and  her  family  and  the  groom  and  his  in  the  manner  outlined 
below. 

Although  this  listing  represents  the  general  custom  in  the  United 
States,  it  need  not  be  interpreted  rigidly.  As  in  other  aspects  of  wed- 
ding procedure  it  is  well  to  know  the  traditional  conventions  so  that 
you  may  know  from  what  you  depart  when  you  plan  your  own  wedding. 

HOW  CUSTOM  DIVIDES  WEDDING  COSTS 
The  Bride  or  Her  Family  Pays  for  ... 

$  Wedding  gown  and  veil 

$  Bride's  personal  trousseau 

$  Wedding  reception,  breakfast,  or  dinner 

$  Transportation  to  church  and  reception 

$  Wedding  decorations  and  music 

$  Invitations  and  announcements 

$  Gifts  for  the  groom  and  the  bride's  attendants 

i  B.  F.  Timmons,  "The  Cost  of  Weddings/'  American  Sociological  Review 
(April,  1939),  pp.  224-233. 


•«  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

The  Groom  or  His  Family  Pays  for  ... 

$  Bride's  bouquet  and  mothers'  flowers 

$  Bride's  "going  away"  corsage 

$  Wedding  trip 

$  Wedding  ring 

$  Minister's  fee 

$  Marriage  license 

$  Gifts  for  the  bride,  best  man,  and  ushers 


The  Marriage  Ceremony 

Virtually  all  groups,  primitive  and  civilized  alike,  have  a  special  cere- 
mony marking  the  transition  from  the  courtship  to  married  life.  In  our 
own  history  we  had  for  hundreds  of  years  two  ceremonies:  the  betrothal, 
which  was  a  business  arrangement  between  the  families  to  take  care  of 
property  arrangements,  and  the  wedding  ceremony,  which  came  some- 
what later  and  carried  the  mark  of  finality. 

The  wedding  ceremony  was  originally  performed  by  the  father 
among  the  Hebrews,  the  Greeks,  and  the  Romans;  but  as  the  early 
Christian  church  became  powerful,  the  priest's  blessing  was  added  to 
the  ceremony.  As  the  church  concerned  itself  more  and  more  with 
marriage,  witnesses  were  added,  and  all  marriages  were  performed  by  the 
clergy.  With  the  Reformation  the  Protestants  came  to  regard  marriage 
as  a  civil  contract,  and  the  state  undertook  the  responsibility  of  super- 
vising the  ceremony  in  Protestant  countries.  In  Europe  today  it  is  not 
uncommon  to  be  married  by  a  civil  court  and  then  to  repeat  the  cere- 
mony at  a  church  wedding.  In  America  we  have  delegated  to  the  clergy 
the  civil  authority  to  perform  marriages,  giving  them  thereby  both  civil 
and  religious  sanction  over  marriage. 

The  functions  of  the  marriage  ceremony  today  are: 

1  To  impress  on  the  couple  and  all  relatives  and  friends  the  changed  status 
of  the  pair,  both  legally  and  psychologically. 

2  To  announce  the  new  status;  to  give  public  support  and  stability  to  the  re- 
lation emphasized  by  the  titles  Mr.  and  Mrs.  and  by  the  assumption  of  the 
husband's  family  name  by  the  wife. 

3  To  give  legal  protection  to  the  wife  and  to  the  children  born  of  the  union: 
to  place  the  responsibility  for  their  care  and  support  with  the  pair  and  not 
with  the  state. 

4  To  glorify  and  sanctify  the  relation  (religious  marriage),  giving  it  divine 
blessing  and  approval  —  God  approves. 


WEDDING    PLANS  187 

Wedding  Services.  Weddings  in  the  many  churches  of  the  various 
faiths  differ  widely.  Not  only  the  procedures  prescribed  by  the  particu- 
lar church  but  the  training  and  beliefs  of  the  individual  minister  and 
the  preferences  of  the  couple  play  a  part  in  determining  the  nature  of 
the  wedding  ceremony.  An  occasional  couple  write  a  part  of  their  own 
ceremony,  incorporating  their  own  convictions  and  commitment  with 
the  traditional  vows.  Some  ministers  have  developed  their  own  intro- 
ductory statements  that  precede  the  usual  vows  in  the  wedding  cere- 
mony. The  following  is  used  by  permission  as  illustrative. 

WEDDING  CEREMONY 
Address  to  the  Congregation 

There  is  an  ancient  story  which  contains  a  profound  insight:  It  is  not 
good  for  man  to  be  alone.  We  rightly  approach  a  wedding  ceremony  with 
reverence  and  with  awe.  For  marriage  has  welled  up  out  of  the  depths  of 
personal  and  social  need.  In  it  the  fundamental  impulses  of  the  individual 
and  the  race,  biological,  personal  and  social,  come  to  an  overt  focus.  The 
ceremony  itself  is  the  public  avowal  of  a  new  relationship,  the  most  basic 
which  can  exist  among  men.  It  signifies  that  two  people  stand  at  one  point 
along  the  unending  stream  of  human  development,  a  point  at  which  count- 
less others  have  stood  before  and  countless  more  will  stand  in  ages  which  are 
to  come.  Yet  it  is  for  the  human  race,  as  for  them,  unique  in  the  totality  of 
timeless  aeons.  The  centuries  of  the  past  have  looked  forward  to  this  occa- 
sion. Those  of  the  future  should  have  good  cause  to  regard  it  with  respect 
and  gratitude. 

It  is  meet  and  proper  that  so  awe-inspiring  an  occasion,  when  Eternity 
emerges  as  a  visible  point  in  the  present,  should  be  celebrated  with  dignity 
and  solemnity.  All  races,  tribes  and  cultures,  from  the  most  primitive  to 
the  most  advanced,  have  made  of  this  step  an  occasion  for  rejoicing  and  an 
expression  through  ceremony  and  rite  of  profound  social  concern.  So  today, 
society  expresses  its  legitimate  and  inescapable  interest.  For  a  wedding  is 
more  than  the  joining  of  two  persons  to  each  other.  It  is  the  closing  of  a 
link  in  the  endless  chain  of  human  relationships,  a  link  which  binds  the  pres- 
ent to  the  past  and  out  of  which  the  future  can  most  advantageously  emerge. 

The  wedding  is  properly  a  religious  ceremony.  For  in  marriage,  basic 
forces  which  determine  human  destiny  find  their  richest  and  most  creative 
expression.  The  noblest  sentiments  and  highest  ideals  of  the  human  soul 
stand  by  In  expectant  concern  for  their  future.  The  God  who  sustains  all 
which  is,  ultimately  presides. 

Address  to  the  Couple 

For  you,  this  ceremony  will  mean  entrance  into  new  relationships  which 
will  affect  many  aspects  of  your  lives.  Your  legal  status  will  be  altered  in 


188  ANTICIPATING   MARRIAGE 

important  respects.  The  merger  of  names  will  symbolize  an  extensive  change 
in  your  social  status  and  relationships.  Changed  personal  relationships,  some 
of  which  may  prove  onerous,  will  remind  you  that  things  are  no  longer  as 
they  were. 

It  will  mean  for  you  a  new  security  in  your  personal  lives.  For  marriage 
is  an  oasis  of  refreshment  and  renewal  in  an  often  arid  world,  a  point  of  sta- 
bility amid  the  bewildering  and  often  alarming  changes  of  a  rapidly  shifting 
social  scene.  Your  marriage  will  mean  that  each  of  you  will  have  one  whom 
you  know  and  can  respond  to  as  a  whole  personality.  In  all  the  welter  of 
mass  humanity  and  whirling  shifts  of  friendships,  you  can  find  stability. 
Marriage  will  mean  for  you  that  intimacy  which  is  necessary  for  the  best  sat- 
isfaction of  the  deepest  needs  of  your  souls.  You  will  find  a  new  security  in 
acceptance,  a  security  which  is  freely  yours  without  the  need  for  pretense 
and  dissimulation.  For  you  there  will  always  be  one  situation  in  which  you 
can  be  as  you  really  are,  without  risk  of  rejection.  Marriage  means  in  part, 
the  weaving  of  a  rope  of  relationships  upon  which  each  of  you  can  put  the 
full  strain  of  your  own  worst,  without  fear  that  it  will  break. 

You  will  find  a  new  security  and  richness  of  love.  Among  the  greatest 
needs  of  all  is  a  two-way  flow  of  affection.  Marriage  will  increase  and  en- 
rich this  for  you,  unimpeded  by  conventions  and  unspoiled  by  fear  of  its 
loss.  Such  married  love  is  above  and  beyond  all  other  forms  of  human  love. 
In  it  alone  are  intermingled  the  depth,  intimacy,  and  permanence  essential 
for  your  greatest  satisfaction  and  growth. 

Your  wedding  means  a  recognition  and  acceptance  of  new  social  obliga- 
tions. To  marry  is  to  enter  into  partnership  in  a  building  enterprise.  It 
means  the  construction  of  a  social  relationship  which  inevitably  involves  oth- 
ers. To  marry  is  not  only  to  establish  a  center  of  emotional  security  for 
yourselves.  It  is  to  create  a  basic  unit  of  society.  And  in  so  doing  you  find 
your  own  greatest  fulfillment. 

The  vows  which  you  are  about  to  take  pledge  you  to  fidelity,  one  to  the 
other.  This  does  not  merely  mean  fidelity  to  taboos,  or  even  to  a  person. 
The  man  and  woman  who  live  together  secure  in  each  other's  love  are  being 
faithful  to  far  more  than  each  other.  They  are  being  faithful  to  a  social 
situation  which  can  produce  people  who  can  live  without  fear,  who  are  suf- 
ficiently mature  emotionally  as  neither  to  seek  nor  to  need  dictatorship  and 
aggression.  They  are  being  faithful  to  the  basic  foundations  of  the  social 
structure  in  which  all  are  formed  and  nourished.  They  are  being  faithful  to 
the  provisions  which  society  makes  for  the  protection  and  the  development 
of  the  deepest  needs  of  persons.  When  you  marry  you  do  far  more  than  to 
take  unto  yourself  a  spouse.  You  take  a  piece  of  the  social  future  into  your 
hands. 

Then  follow  the  usual  vows  and  prayers. 


WEDDING    PLANS 


189 


THE  WEDDING  PARTY  IN  ORDER  OF  APPEARANCE 
AT  3  PHASES  OF  THE  WEDDING 


Processional 
(Just  before) 


Usher  escorts  groom's  parents  to  front  pew  right  of  center  aisle 

THEN 

Bride's  mother  is  seated  by  usher  at  left  of  center  aisle  (signal  for  the 
wedding  march  to  begin) 

NOW     THE     PROCESSION 

Ushers  two  by  two 
Bridesmaids  two  by  two 
Maid  or  matron  of  honor 
Ring  bearer  —  if  any  2 
Flower  girl  —  if  any  2 
Bride  on  her  father's  right  arm 

(Groom,  best  man,  and  minister  stand  at  the  altar,  facing  the  pro- 
cessional) 


Recessional  Bride  on  groom's  right  arm 

Flower  girl  alone  or  with  the  ring  bearer 

Maid  or  matron  of  honor  alone  or  with  the  best  man  s 

Bridesmaids  two  by  two  or  paired  with  ushers 

Ushers  two  by  two  or  with  the  bridesmaids 

As  soon  as  the  wedding  party  has  gone  out,  two  ushers  return  at  once 

for  mothers  of  the  bride  and  groom 

The  guests  then  depart 


Receiving  Line       Bride's  mother 
(Left  to  right)        Groom's  father  * 

Groom's  mother 

Bride's  father 

Bride 

Groom 

Maid  or  matron  of  honor 

Bridesmaids  (if  preferred  they  may  mingle  with  the  guests,  as  the 

ushers  and  the  best  man  do) 

2  If  children  are  in  the  wedding  party,  they  should  be  rehearsed  carefully  once 
or  twice  before  the  ceremony,  at  the  place  of  the  wedding. 

3  The  best  man  may  go  directly  to  the  vestry  for  the  groom's  hat  and  coat,  and 
his  own,  joining  the  wedding  party  at  the  door,  if  this  seems  more  convenient  in 
what  comes  next. 

4  The  bride's  father  may  stand  beside  his  wife,  then  the  groom's  motjier  and 
father,  then  the  bride  and  groom.    This  more  modern  form  keeps  the  principal  cou- 
ples together  and  is  sometimes  more  pleasant  and  graceful  for  the  receiving  line. 


190  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Special  Cases 

There  are  many  special  situations  in  which  the  usual  forms  and  rules  do 
not  seem  to  apply.    Let  us  consider  just  a  few  of  them. 

Two  Faiths  —  Two  Ceremonies.  When  members  of  two  faiths  marry, 
their  wedding  has  to  be  worked  out  to  meet  the  requirements  of  their 
respective  churches  as  well  as  their  personal  preferences.  If  a  Catholic 
is  to  have  his  or  her  marriage  recognized  by  the  Roman  Catholic  church, 
it  must  be  performed  by  a  Catholic  priest  according  to  the  rules  of  the 
church.  Some  faithful  Jews  feel  married  only  when  it  has  been  done 
by  the  rabbi. 

One  Baptist  bride  called  her  pastor  on  the  evening  of  her  wedding 
day  and  begged  him  to  "marry  us  again,  for  I  just  don't  feel  right  being 
married  only  by  his  rabbi."  This  minister  replied  that  it  was  hardly 
necessary  to  be  married  again,  since  they  were  already  married,  but  that 
he  would  be  willing  to  reaffirm  their  marriage  and  give  it  his  blessing  as 
a  Christian  clergyman.  This  pleased  the  bride,  was  satisfactory  to  the 
groom,  and  violated  nothing  in  cither's  religion. 

Some  couples  marrying  across  religious  faiths,  plan  for  such  a  dual- 
wedding  service  in  which  all  members  of  both  families  as  well  as  the 
dictates  of  both  churches  will  be  satisfied.  It  seems  hardly  necessary  to 
remind  you  that  such  things  are  best  discussed  and  agreed  upon  early  in 
the  relationship,  with  plans  laid  well  in  advance  so  that  all  concerned 
know  what  to  expect. 

Double  Weddings.  Two  couples  (usually  sisters  or  brothers)  may 
marry  without  other  attendants,  each  serving  as  the  other's  witnesses. 
Or  the  double  wedding  may  have  all  the  pomp  and  splendor  of  the 
huge  church  wedding,  times  two!  In  the  latter  case,  the  older  bride  and 
her  attendants  enter  first,  then  the  younger  bride  and  her  attendants, 
with  the  recessional  in  the  same  formation  with  each  couple  leading  its 
own  bridal  party.  If  the  brides  are  sisters,  one  invitation  may  be  issued 
for  their  double  wedding,  in  which  case  the  older  sister's  name  appears 
first. 

Divorce,  a  Complicating  Factor.  If  the  bride's  parents  are  divorced, 
the  invitations  may  be  issued  by  her  mother,  with  her  present  husband 
as  host,  if  she  has  remarried.  In  this  case,  the  bride's  father  may  give 
her  away  if  she  wishes,  after  which  he  steps  back  to  the  pew  behind  her 


WEDDING    PLANS  1  91 

mother.  Whether  or  not  he  remains  for  the  reception  is  best  decided 
by  discussion  well  ahead  of  time.  Except  in  most  unusual  cases,  the  ab- 
sent parent  is  invited  to  the  wedding,  and  members  of  the  family  behave 
without  bitterness  toward  each  other. 

The  mature  bride  whose  parents  are  divorced  may  issue  her  own  in- 
vitations and  announcements  and  walk  down  the  aisle  either  alone,  or 
on  the  arm  of  a  favorite  uncle  or  other  older  male  relative. 

Similarly,  if  the  bride  is  herself  a  divorcee,  she  may  issue  her  own 
invitations,  and  the  couple  may  announce  their  own  marriage.  If  the 
bride  is  a  very  young  divorcee,  her  parents  may  announce  her  marriage 
as  usual.  The  remarriage  of  a  divorced  woman  is  usually  not  formal,  or 
in  a  white  gown  and  veil.  It  may  be  held  in  a  chapel,  home,  or  garden, 
with  one  attendant  (not  a  child  by  a  former  marriage). 

Orphaned  and  Widowed  Brides.  The  bride  who  is  an  orphan  may 
have  a  formal  wedding  if  she  wishes,  by  asking  some  older  woman  to  be 
her  sponsor,  and  walking  down  the  aisle  on  the  arm  of  some  favorite 
older  male  relative  or  close  family  friend. 

The  remarriage  of  a  widow  is  usually  simple  and  informal,  and  not 
in  white  wedding  gown  and  veil,  which  is  the  symbol  of  first  marriage. 
Her  own  children  may  attend  her  if  she  wishes.  She  may  write  personal 
notes  as  invitations  and  announcements,  using  her  full  name. 

Sickness  and  Death  in  Wedding  Plans.  An  invalid  mother,  grand- 
mother, or  sister  may  attend  even  a  formal  church  wedding  in  a  wheel 
chair,  or  the  wedding  may  be  planned  at  home  where  she  is.  Bride, 
groom,  or  any  of  the  bridal  attendants  may  participate  in  any  wedding 
in  a  wheel  chair  or  on  crutches  if  need  be.  In  the  case  of  a  close  mem- 
ber of  the  family  being  suddenly  stricken  ill  just  before  the  wedding,  the 
ceremony  may  be  postponed  by  notifying  the  guests  by  wire,  phone,  or 
note. 

When  one  of  the  parents  of  bride  or  groom  dies  suddenly,  the  wed- 
ding usually  is  postponed  with  some  such  wording  as  this:  "Owing  to 
the  sudden  death  of  Mrs.  John  James  Jones,  the  marriage  of  her  daugh- 
ter Janice  to  Gerald  Raymond  Brown  has  been  indefinitely  postponed." 
This  notice  may  be  sent  to  the  local  papers,  and  to  all  guests  already 
invited  to  the  wedding.  The  marriage  may  proceed  on  the  date  planned 
but  then  it  is  a  simple  quiet  wedding  with  only  members  of  the  imme- 
diate family  present. 


192  ANTICIPATING    MARRIAGE 

Broken  Engagements.  It  is  not  only  in  Hollywood  that  something 
breaks  up  a  couple  before  the  wedding  date;  it  happens  in  real  life  too. 
In  such  a  case,  there  are  two  things  to  do  at  once:  i.  cancel  the  wed- 
ding; and  2.  return  to  the  senders  all  wedding  gifts.  Guests  already 
invited  to  the  wedding  must  be  notified  that  the  wedding  plans  have 
been  cancelled,  whether  or  not  they  have  sent  gifts  to  the  bride. 
Couples  feeling  embarrassed  about  cancelling  their  wedding  should  re- 
member that  it  is  far  better  to  call  off  an  unpromising  marriage  before 
it  gets  started  than  it  is  to  carry  each  other  into  the  anguish  of  an  un- 
happy union.  One  of  the  functions  of  the  engagement  period  is  to  sort 
out  incompatible  pairs.5  It  may  take  the  wise  guidance  of  a  competent 
counselor  to  help  the  couple  discover  whether  the  break  originates  from 
something  simple  and  superficial,  or  whether  it  stands  for  something 
basically  wrong  in  the  match. 

Moving  up  the  Date.  In  these  days  when  so  many  things  may  happen 
to  change  things,  it  is  sometimes  necessary  to  advance  the  date  of  the 
wedding.  A  military  leave  is  granted  earlier  than  expected,  a  vacation 
date  is  advanced,  an  opportunity  opens  up,  all  sorts  of  things  may  call 
for  an  earlier  date  than  the  one  originally  planned.  The  procedure  for 
meeting  this  type  of  case  is  simply  to  contact  the  guests  and  tell  them 
where  and  when  the  rearranged  wedding  is  to  be.  A  simple  wedding 
can  be  arranged  at  the  last  minute  in  the  chapel  at  the  military  post,  in 
the  bride's  home,  in  a  club  or  garden,  or  even  after  one  of  the  regular 
services  of  the  church,  if  the  couple  are  flexible  in  their  planning.  In- 
deed, this  might  serve  as  a  motto  for  wedding  plans  generally:  "Be  Pre- 
pared for  the  Unexpected." 

To  be  useful  wedding  plans  should  be  based  upon  the  values  of 
those  being  married.  If  you  realize  that  tradition  has  been  upset  many 
times,  and  that  conventions  serve  but  as  guides,  you  can  plan  your  wed- 
ding in  ways  that  will  be  most  meaningful  to  you  and  to  those  whom 
you  love  and  want  close  to  you  on  this  your  day  of  days. 

6  See  Chapter  Five,  "The  Meaning  of  an  Engagement." 

Selected  Readings 

BENTLEY,  MARGUERITE,  Wedding  Etiquette  Complete  (Philadelphia:  Win- 
ston). 

BOSSARD,  JAMES  H.  s.,  AND  BOLL,  ELEANOR  s.,  Ritual  in  Family  Living  (Phila- 
delphia: University  of  Pennsylvania  Press,  1950). 


WEDDING    PLANS  193 

BOWMAN,  HENRY  A.,  Marriage  for  Moderns  (New  York:  Whittlesey  House, 
1948),  Chap.  9. 

BRIDE'S  MAGAZINE,  The  Bride's  Book  of  Etiquette 

EMBASSY  PUBLISHING  COMPANY,  Wedding  Embassy  Year  Book 

FENWICK,  MILLICENT,  Vogue's  Book  of  Etiquette  (New  York:  Simon  and 
Schuster,  1948). 

GROVES,  ERNEST  R.,  Marriage  (New  York:  Holt,  revised,  1948),  Chap.  11. 

LEACH,  WILLIAM  H.,  ED.,  The  Cokesbury  Marriage  Manual  (Nashville,  Ten- 
nessee: Abingdon-Cokesbury  Press,  1939). 

MARSHALL  FIELD  AND  COMPANY,  The  Bride' s  Book  (Chicago:  Marshall  Field, 
1950). 

MCLEOD,  EDYTH  THORNTON,  The  Bride's  Book  (New  York:  Archway  Press, 

1947)- 
Modern  Bride,  magazine  published  by  Ziff-Davis  Company,  185  North  Wa- 

bash  Ave.,  Chicago  i,  111. 
POST,  EMILY,  Emily  Post's  Etiquette  (New  York:  Funk  and  Wagnalls,  recent 

revision). 

TIMMONS,  B.  F.,  "The  Cost  of  Weddings,"  American  Sociological  Review 

(April,  1939),  pp.  224-233. 

Vogue,  "Invitation  to  the  Wedding/'  Vol.  LXXIX,  No.  9,  p.  84. 
WOODS,  MARJORIE  BiNFORD,  Your  Wedding:  How  to  Plan  and  Enjoy  It  (New 

York:  Bobbs-Merrill,  new  revised  edition,  1949). 
WRIGHT,  JEANNE,  The  Wedding  Book  (New  York:  Rinehart,  1947). 


PART 


WHAT  IT  MEANS  TO  BE  MARRIED 

JUST   MARRIED 

MONEY   MATTERS   IN   MARRIAGE 

COMMON   CONFLICTS   IN   MARRIAGE 

WHEN   CRISES  COME 

FACTS   AND  FEELINGS   ABOUT  DIVORCE 
WHAT   HOLDS  A  MARRIAGE   TOGETHER? 


CHAPTER  TEN 


For  Better,  for  Worse 


JUST  MARRIED 

What  type  of  honeymoon  is  best? 

Are  all  the  honeymoon  intimacies  easy  to  take? 

Why  do  people  talk  about  "settling  down"  as  if  it  were  so  important? 

Does  marriage  really  make  you  different? 
Is  it  true  that  unless  you  watch  out  love  dies  soon  after  you  get  married? 


HE  WEDDING  IS  OVER.      THE  UNITY  WHICH  HAS  BEEN  BUILT  UP  DUR- 

ing  courtship  and  engagement  has  now  been  publicly  recognized  and 
ceremonialized.  Now  at  last  the  roles  of  husband  and  wife  which  have 
been  played  in  fantasy  many  times  may  be  tried  out.  Once  married, 
the  man  and  the  woman  start  on  a  journey  from  which  it  is  difficult  to 
turn  back.  In  the  chapters  which  follow  our  discussion  will  throw  some 
light  on  the  situations  couples  face  in  marriage,  the  skills  and  abilities 
needed,  and  the  normality  of  trouble  and  frustration  as  a  new  family  is 
launched  into  operation.  Key  ideas  which  merit  attention  include  the 
following: 

1  Marriage  is  a  more  complex  way  of  living  than  single  life  and  therefore  is 
likely  to  aggravate  rather  than  cure  symptoms  of  immaturity  such  as  res- 
tiveness,  uncertainty,  and  unhappiness. 

2  A  key  need  of  early  marriage  is  to  settle  down  and  work  out  the  routines 
of  daily  living. 

3  As  romantic  love  is  replaced  by  conjugal  love,  the  marriage  becomes  sta- 
bilized. 

4  Conflict  in  marriage  is  normal  and  may  be  used  constructively  to  hold  the 
partnership  together. 


198  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

5  Happily  married  couples,  in  adult  terms,  are  not  necessarily  couples  who 
never  quarrel  but  are  those  who  have  learned  the  techniques  of  resolving 
conflicts  which  arise. 

6  Keeping  the  channels  of  communication  clear  is  important  for  marriage 
solidarity. 


The  Honeymoon 

In  the  early  weeks  of  marriage  young  people  are  perhaps  more  impres- 
sionable than  at  any  other  time  in  their  lives.  Hope  and  expectation  are 
keyed  to  concert  pitch.  Idealism  is  at  its  height.  The  newly  married 
individuals  continue  the  pattern  of  the  engagement  in  ever  increasing 
tempo,  the  pattern  of  widening  the  range  of  their  mutual  exploration  of 
one  another's  personalities.  These  processes  parallel,  some  will  say  over- 
lay, deep  anxieties  about  the  undefined  future  and  the  realization  that 
this  relationship  which  is  so  precious  has  the  capacity  to  hurt:  All  these 
conditions  can  bring  about  a  delicately  balanced  state  of  the  emotions 
in  which  small  embarrassments  are  capable  of  having  a  devastating 
effect. 

David  Mace 1  expresses  the  situation  well: 

From  one  point  of  view,  getting  married  could  be  represented  as  a  rather 
terrifying  experience.  For  something  like  a  third  of  their  life  span  two  peo- 
ple have  lived  independent  of  each  other  —  probably  without  even  knowing 
of  each  other's  existence.  They  have  formed  their  own  personal  habits  and 
learned  to  live  their  own  private  lives.  Now,  after  a  comparatively  short  ac- 
quaintance, they  come  together  in  the  closest  human  intimacy,  living  to- 
gether, sleeping  together,  yielding  themselves  up  to  each  other.  At  the  time, 
they  don't  think  of  this  as  an  invasion  of  their  privacy.  Their  strong  desire 
for  each  other  draws  them  together  and  they  make  their  surrender  eagerly. 
But  for  all  that,  the  mutual  unveiling  of  their  bodies  and  minds  can  some- 
times have  profoundly  disturbing  and  quite  unexpected  consequences.  .  .  . 
To  make  these  early  adjustments  as  easy  as  possible  we  have  wisely  provided 
the  institution  of  the  honeymoon. 

Full  of  excitement,  thrills,  and  anticipation  of  delightful  intimacies, 
the  honeymoon  is  a  continuation  of  the  period  of  bliss  characteristic  of 
the  engagement  period.  Two  sources  of  emotion  flow  over  in  most  mar- 
riages during  the  first  weeks,  the  growing  pleasures  of  the  sex  experi- 

1  David  R.  Mace,  Marriage:  The  Art  of  Lasting  Love  (New  York:  Doubleday, 
19 52),  pp.  46-47. 


JUST    MARRIED  199 

ences  and  the  fears  of  the  unknown  and  undefined  future  of  the  mar- 
riage. These  are  major  components  of  romantic  love.  Indeed,  the 
honeymoon  marks  the  crest  of  the  feelings  identified  as  romantic  love 
feelings.  Thereafter  the  fear  element,  which  has  its  source  in  the  ap- 
prehension of  the  unknown  and  unpredictable  problems  of  marriage, 
subsides  unless  activated  by  extramarital  thrill-seeking  or  a  new  love  af- 
fair. Romantic  love  feeds  on  the  new  and  the  unknown.  As  marriage 
settles  down  to  a  walking  gait,  romantic  love  is  normally  exchanged  for 
a  less  exciting  but  more  permanent  combination  of  love  feelings  based 
on  companionship  and  mutual  interdependence,  identified  elsewhere  as 
conjugal  love.2 

Conjugal  love  first  appears  in  the  companionable  phase  of  the  en- 
gagement relation  and  develops  greatly  during  the  early  months  of  mar- 
riage. During  the  honeymoon  the  couple  pick  up  souvenirs  and  buy 
furniture,  which  are  quickly  given  a  sentimental  value.  The  snapshots 
of  the  honeymoon  trip  and  the  trails  taken  together  are  often  reviewed. 
Thus  the  memories  of  the  honeymoon  make  up  some  of  the  first  tangi- 
ble evidences  of  the  conjugal  love  on  which  enduring  marriages  are 
based. 

Planning  the  Honeymoon.  The  wedding  journey  is  designed  to  meet 
specific  needs  and  should  not  be  postponed  for  several  weeks  or  months 
until,  for  example,  the  bridegroom  gets  his  vacation.  The  value  of  the 
honeymoon  lies  in  the  opportunities  it  gives  the  newlyweds  to  meet  the 
first  experiences  of  marriage  away  from  people  who  know  them,  thus 
providing  them  a  little  time  to  get  over  the  self-consciousness  which 
comes  with  playing  new  and  untried  roles.  Point  number  one  in  plan- 
ning, then,  is  to  set  the  wedding  date  at  a  time  when  a  honeymoon  is 
possible. 

Although  the  plans  for  the  honeymoon  are  for  the  most  part  jointly 
laid,  the  exact  dates  for  the  wedding  and  wedding  journey  are  rightly  set 
by  the  bride.  The  timing  of  the  menstrual  period  and  the  irregularities 
which  often  accompany  emotional  stress  are  factors  which  need  to  re- 
ceive attention  in  launching  the  marriage. 

The  engaged  couple  can  add  enjoyment  to  their  first  days  of  mar- 
riage if  they  depart  from  the  trite  honeymoon  tours  to  Niagara  Falls  and 
Washington  in  favor  of  a  trip  which  characterizes  the  individuality  of 

2  See  Chap.  15,  "What  Holds  a  Marriage  Together." 


200  WHAT   IT   MEANS   TO    BE   MARRIED 

their  relationship.  One  couple  who  had  met  in  Europe  on  a  hosteling 
tour  planned  a  similar  tour  by  bicycle  through  New  England.  Another 
made  their  common  passion  for  bird  life  the  center  of  their  plans  for  a 
week's  outing  at  a  bird  sanctuary  neither  had  visited  before.  A  third 
couple  spent  most  of  their  time  in  New  York  attending  plays  and  operas 
when  they  weren't  catching  up  on  their  sleep  at  a  bohemian  apartment 
off  Washington  Square.  In  this  business  of  planning,  the  couple  needs 
to  realize  that  one  man's  meat  may  be  another  man's  poison.  A  trout 
stream  in  the  Rockies  is  no  place  for  a  couple  of  tenderfeet,  the  adver- 
tisement of  the  travel  associations  to  the  contrary.  Life  on  a  dude 
ranch  can  be  very  irritating  if  the  couple  doesn't  know  its  cattle  ponies. 
Point  number  two  is  to  plan  to  do  something  on  the  honeymoon  which 
both  enjoy  and  can  do  reasonably  well.  There  will  be  other  occasions 
for  the  new  and  unusual  when  both  parties  are  surer  of  themselves  and 
are  under  less  emotional  tension. 

The  hazards  to  be  avoided  by  the  honeymooners  are  excessive  costs 
and  overfatigue.  If  the  engagement  has  been  one  of  planning  and  dis- 
cussion, the  honeymoon  costs  will  have  been  worked  out  along  with  the 
budget  of  the  first  year's  expenses.  Placed  in  juxtaposition  to  the  other 
costs  of  the  year,  the  honeymoon  will  usually  be  estimated  at  a  reason- 
able figure.  Some  estimate  of  the  number  of  miles  to  be  traveled  and 
the  number  of  things  to  be  seen  and  done  needs  to  be  made.  Trying  to 
do  too  much  in  too  little  time  will  result  in  overfatigue  and  set  the  stage 
for  quarrels  when  the  couple  is  least  able  to  cope  with  them. 

Suppose  we  list  a  few  do's  and  don'ts  which  might  be  reviewed  by 
the  couple  anticipating  marriage  and  a  satisfying  honeymoon: 

1  Select  a  place  where  you  can  be  completely  alone  and  away  from  people 
who  know  you,  and  where  privacy  is  assured. 

2  Plan  your  trip  to  obviate  overfatigue  as  much  as  possible. 

3  Arrange  for  hotel  or  room  reservations  in  advance. 

4  Plan  for  time  to  loaf  and  sleep  —  newly  married  couples  go  to  bed  early 
and  get  up  late. 

5  Carry  on  with  the  planning  and  exploration  talks  of  the  engagement,  dis- 
cussing points  on  which  you  aren't  able  to  find  a  basis  for  agreement  as 
well  as  those  on  which  you  are. 

Excitement  of  the  Wedding  Journey.  The  honeymoon  customarily  lasts 
a  week  or  two  and  for  obvious  economic  reasons  rarely  extends  beyond 


JUST    MARRIED  201 

a  month.  The  wedding  journey  is  an  excellent  introduction  into  mar- 
riage, providing  as  it  does  for  a  release  of  the  tension  which  has  piled 
up  in  the  days  before  the  wedding  and  for  the  maximum  expression  of 
idealism.  The  honeymoon  also  provides  a  point  at  which  realities  are 
allowed  to  intrude,  as  the  pair  prepares  to  return  to  familiar  surround- 
ings and  mundane  responsibilities.  Fortunately  the  period  of  ecstasy 
does  not  continue  long,  for  moving  from  one  thrill  and  discovery  to  an- 
other is  exhausting. 

The  adjustment  in  the  first  years  is  sometimes  most  difficult  for  those 
couples  who  have  restricted  their  love  activities  too  prudishly  in  the 
courtship  and  engagement  period.  They  find  themselves  suddenly  in 
marriage  with  all  the  barriers  down  and  with  all  too  little  preparation 
for  the  expression  of  the  excitement  and  attraction  which  arise  in  the 
intimacies.  It  is  not  uncommon  for  one  or  both  parties  to  experience 
feelings  of  guilt  or  revulsion,  to  the  mutual  distress  of  both  parties.  For 
other  couples  who  have  anticipated  great  thrills  in  the  first  sex  relations, 
there  is  sometimes  disappointment  —  reality  doesn't  live  up  to  the  ex- 
pectations. Said  one  such  couple,  "We  were  surprised  that  that  was  all 
there  was  to  it;  somehow  we  had  expected  more."  The  girl  felt  cheated, 
and  the  boy  was  hurt  and  worried  that  his  wife  wasn't  thrilled.  Both 
needed  to  realize  that  enjoyable  sex  response  is  a  matter  of  learning,  and 
that  it  grows  with  the  years.  They  failed  to  grasp  the  fact  that  early 
sex  relations  are  necessarily  awkward,  both  because  of  their  newness  and 
because  of  the  anxiety  both  feel  toward  the  unknown.  Where  fear  is 
present  sex  response  is  inhibited,  and  only  after  the  couple  have  become 
thoroughly  secure  in  their  new  role  of  husband  and  wife,  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.,  can  they  expect  to  attain  the  heights  which  the  uninformed  honey- 
mooners  feel  is  their  right  the  first  night.8 

The  honeymoon  intimacies  are  taken  almost  as  a  matter  of  course  by 
the  couples  who  are  able  to  recognize  the  sexual  urges  and  expressions 
for  what  they  are.  They  have  studied  what  to  expect,  and  after  a  cer- 
tain amount  of  normal  love  play  in  the  engagement  period,  the  honey- 
moon presents  to  them  an  extended  period  of  easily  assimilated  new  ex- 

3  See  Chap.  15,  "What  Holds  a  Marriage  Together."  In  Stanley  Brav's  in- 
triguing study  of  honeymoons  nearly  half  of  his  respondents  reported  that  they  failed 
to  achieve  complete  sexual  harmony  during  their  honeymoon,  yet  the  majority  con- 
sidered their  honeymoon  a  complete  success.  Sexual  harmony  was  not  considered 
essential  to  honeymoon  success.  See  Stanley  Brav,  "Note  on  Honeymoons,"  Marriage 
and  Family  Living,  Vol.  9  (Summer,  1947),  p.  60. 


202  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

periences.    They  are  able  to  recognize  and  understand  their  own  urges 
and  make  the  most  of  them. 

A  fourth  group  of  young  people  "make  the  most"  of  the  honeymoon 
experiences,  because  they  feel  that  the  intoxication  of  early  marriage  is 
the  most  desirable  part  of  marriage,  that  marriage  should  be  one  con- 
tinual courtship  in  which  love  is  kept  aglow  with  constant  thrills.  This 
is  the  school  which  reflects  most  closely  the  Hollywood  pattern  of  per- 
petual romance  and  which  judges  a  marriage  by  the  continuation  of  the 
burning  thrills  of  love.  If  the  love-light  dies,  a  divorce  ensues;  and  the 
light  burns  again  only  as  new  love  appears,  followed  by  another  honey- 
moon, another  trip  to  Reno,  another  honeymoon,  and  so  on.  These 
people  take  their  fiction  and  movies  too  seriously  and  apparently  know 
little  or  nothing  about  the  studies  of  happily  married  men  and  women. 
Although  the  great  majority  settle  down  in  time  to  more  or  less  routine 
married  living,  there  is  usually  an  intervening  period  of  disillusionment 
before  they  hit  a  normal  stride.  For  these  young  people  the  psychiatrists 
would  list  coming  to  terms  with  reality  as  the  most  important  single  ac- 
complishment of  the  first  year  of  marriage. 


Establishing  an  Etiquette  of  Intimacy 

Still  another  area  of  interpersonal  adjustment  which  the  honeymoon 
makes  possible  involves  the  intimacies  of  personal  hygiene.  The  early 
days  of  marriage  could  be  greatly  eased  if  young  couples  received  more 
help  about  these  matters,  at  least  as  much  as  about  the  intimacies  of 
sex.  They  would  be  spared  a  good  deal  of  distress  if,  as  well  as  prepar- 
ing themselves  for  sexual  union,  they  recognized  also  the  fact  that  in 
close  intimacy  of  marriage  men  and  women  must  learn  a  warm  tender 
consideration  for  the  little  details  of  bodily  hygiene  which  are  part  of 
the  business  of  living.  David  Mace  has  pointed  out  that  in  the  course 
of  married  life  there  are  many  lowly  services  which  husband  and  wife 
must  perform  for  each  other.  One  of  the  important  adjustments  which 
must  be  made  in  the  early  weeks  together  is  to  get  over  any  false 
modesty  which  the  couple  may  feel  about  their  own  or  each  other's 
bodies.4 

Why  should  couples,  in  this  day  and  age  of  frankness  and  freedom 
of  inhibitions  about  sex,  find  the  intimacies  of  sensory  details  connected 

*  David  Mace,  op.  cit.,  p.  50. 


JUST    MARRIED  203 

with  other  bodily  functions  fraught  with  embarrassment  and  disgust 
reactions?  The  answer  may  not  be  obvious. 

In  America,  the  land  of  locked  bathrooms  and  fully  clothed  people, 
of  private  bedrooms  and  dressing  quarters,  the  child  is  often  reared  to 
adulthood  carefully  protected  from  the  sensory  details  of  the  bodily 
functions  of  others.  He  is  taught  to  disguise  his  intention  of  going  to 
the  toilet  by  asking  if  he  may  wash  his  hands.  Girl  children  particularly 
are  protected  from  vulgarity,  as  Americans  define  it.  Added  to  and  ac- 
centuating the  problem  is  the  universal  tendency  in  the  courtship  and 
engagement  period  to  idealize  the  other  person,  to  endow  the  person 
with  qualities  of  saintliness,  and  to  shrink  from  the  thought  that  the 
other  person  carries  on  the  same  bodily  functions  as  common  folk. 
While  still  holding  these  ideas,  the  carefully  protected  boy  and  girl 
marry  and  face  for  the  first  time  the  details  of  married  living,  with  the 
doors  of  privacy  torn  off.  The  imaginary  picture  of  the  other  person 
was  nobler  and  kinder.  The  sensory  details  overwhelm  the  sensitive, 
sheltered  girl  and  all  too  often  produce  reactions  of  disgust  and  re- 
vulsion. 

Too  much  intimacy,  too  little  privacy,  in  too  short  a  period!  Be- 
cause of  the  way  we  have  been  reared,  we  must  preserve  some  of  the  illu- 
sions for  a  time,  at  least.  A  minimum  of  privacy  will  need  to  be  main- 
tained indefinitely,  just  because  Americans  react  to  bodily  functions  of 
urination  and  excretion  the  way  they  do.  This  is  difficult  in  over- 
crowded apartments  with  no  private  dressing  quarters  and  with  shared 
bathrooms,  but  every  effort  should  be  made  to  ease  the  transition  grace- 
fully from  the  more  spacious  parental  home  with  its  privacy  to  the  more 
restricted  accompaniments  of  married  life.  The  informed  couple  will 
meet  the  challenge.5 


Disillusionment  and  Settling  Down 

Disillusionment  sounds  like  an  ugly  word,  but  it  means,  simply,  "facing 
realities."  G.  V.  Hamilton's  study  of  two  hundred  married  persons, 
A  Research  in  Marriage,  showed  the  illusions  of  the  engagement  and 
honeymoon  period  to  have  lasted  well  into  the  second  year  of  marriage 
for  most  of  his  cases.  Twenty-nine  per  cent  stated  that  they  had  settled 

5  A  searching  analysis  of  the  reactions  of  Americans  to  lack  of  privacy  is  given 
in  Markoosha  Fisfier's  My  Lives  in  Russia  (New  York:  Harper,  1944),  pp.  59-76. 


204  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

down  to  facing  realities  after  one  year,  and  20  per  cent  after  two  years. 
The  balance  didn't  know  how  long  it  took  them  to  complete  the  process 
of  disillusionment.  Many  couples  claim  to  have  had  no  difficulty  in 
settling  down  after  returning  from  the  honeymoon,  stating  variously, 
"The  process  developed  naturally,"  "We  didn't  expect  marriage  to  be  so 
very  different  and  it  wasn't,"  "It  was  a  relief  to  find  marriage  so  livable 
after  all  the  ghastly  accounts  of  divorce  and  separation,"  "We  just  kept 
on  being  good  pals  instead  of  going  dramatic  during  the  honeymoon, 
and  we  couldn't  see  anything  to  be  disillusioned  about."  These  couples 
started  their  period  of  disillusionment  by  facing  realities  in  the  court- 
ship and  engagement  period,  as  their  statements  reveal,  and  made  the 
transition  into  marriage  with  a  minimum  of  anxiety. 

Walking  is  the  best  gait  for  most  people,  but  most  honeymooners 
hit  a  tempo  more  akin  to  a  gallop  in  the  series  of  thrills  sought  and  ex- 
perienced. The  change  of  pace  which  must  come  is  called  "settling 
down,"  and  is  a  phase  of  disillusionment.  Disillusionment  includes  not 
only  the  removal  of  blinders  which  have  kept  the  lover  from  seeing  the 
wart  on  the  chin  of  the  loved  one,  but  also  the  mutual  discovery  that 
marriage  doesn't  change  personalities.  "We  are  still  our  old  familiar, 
boring  selves,  and  we  thought  we  would  be  different  when  married.  It 
looked  as  if  we  could  change  when  we  were  engaged  and  on  the  honey- 
moon, but  now.  .  .  ." 

Disillusionment  is  partly  due  to  the  discrepancy  between  what  we 
have  imagined  marriage  to  be  like,  or  been  told  it  was  like,  or  read  it 
was  like,  and  what  we  find  it  to  be.  Notice  the  discrepancy  between  the 
following  stereotyped  picture  of  the  couple  who  lived  happily  ever  after 
and  the  facts.  It  is  the  case  of  Mary  Jane  and  Jim  who  were  married 
and  settled  down  in  a  cute  little  house  with  checked  curtains  at  the 
windows.  They  are  supposed  to  have  had  three  years  of  happy  married 
life,  writes  our  ad  writer  for  marriage: 

Mary  Jane,  in  a  crisp  house  dress  kept  spotless  and  unfaded  by  Lux,  has 
laid  out  breakfast  —  everything  Beechnut  but  the  eggs.  Jim  Junior  is  busily 
eating  up  his  cereal  for  the  fun  of  finding  the  Mickey  Mouse  at  the  bottom 
of  the  dish,  thoughtfully  supplied  by  the  makers  of  Cream  of  Wheat.  Jim 
Senior,  spruce  in  an  Arrow  collar  and  fortified  by  a  perfect  night's  rest  under 
the  auspices  of  the  Simmons  Bedding  Company,  is  about  to  make  his  way 
to  the  office  to  earn  the  thirty-five  dollars  a  week  which  somehow  are  to  pay 
for  the  hundred-dollar  radio,  the  Monel  metal  kitchen,  the  dapper  little  car, 
and  the  self-satisfied  look  that  comes  to  those  who  have  provided  nicely  for 


JUST    MARRIED  205 

retirement  at  fifty-five.  This  intimate  view  of  American  home  life  is  fa- 
miliar to  us  all  through  the  kindness  of  advertising  mediums  of  every  variety 
and  haunting  ubiquity.  We  are  fortunate  because  without  their  aid  we 
should  never  see  such  a  pretty  picture. 

Let  us  peek  in  again  without  the  rosy  spectacles  supplied  by  the  nation- 
ally advertised  brands.  Mary  Jane's  frock  for  mornings  at  home  looks  a 
little  frayed  and  faded.  Her  apron  has  definitely  seen  neither  Lux  nor  a 
harsh  washing  soap  for  several  days.  She  scrapes  dispiritedly  at  the  break- 
fast plates,  slightly  repulsive  with  congealed  egg  yolk  and  slimy  cold  bacon 
grease.  For  the  fourteenth  time  she  exhorts  Junior  to  stop  dawdling  and  eat 
his  cereal.  She  is  not,  at  the  moment,  enjoying  her  marriage  very  much. 
Why  should  she?  Washing  dishes  day  in  and  day  out  is  not  the  same  thing 
as  canoeing  in  the  moonlight  with  your  heart's  beloved.  .  .  .  Mary  Jane  is 
remembering  five  o'clock  with  Jim  waiting  at  the  corner,  of  dinner  with 
dancing,  of  going  to  the  movies,  or  a  concert,  or  the  theatre,  or  just  a  long 
ferry-boat  ride.  Of  the  difficult  good-night  kiss  and  the  ecstatic  knowledge 
that  soon  she  would  have  Jim  all  the  time  for  always.  She  is  thinking 
rather  wryly  of  how  entrancing,  how  full  of  promise,  this  battered  dishpan 
looked  when  it  first  emerged  from  pink  tissue  paper  at  the  shower  the  girls 
gave  her.  She  may  even  think,  a  little  cynically,  as  she  surveys  the  grey 
grease  pocked  surface  of  her  dishwater,  of  the  foaming  pans  of  eternally  vir- 
gin suds  she  expected  from  her  perusal  of  the  advertisements.  Well,  she's 
married  now.  She  has  her  own  house,  her  own  dishpan,  her  husband,  and 
her  baby.  All  the  time  and  for  always.  She  doesn't  even  go  to  the  movies 
any  more  because  there  is  no  one  to  stay  with  Junior.  She  speaks  so  crossly 
to  the  child  now  that  his  tears  fall  into  the  objectionable  cereal.  Why  on 
earth  won't  Jim  let  her  get  Mrs.  Oldacre  in  to  stay  evenings?  He'll  be  earn- 
ing more  soon;  Mr.  Bayswater  practically  told  him  he  would  be  put  in  charge 
of  the  branch  office  as  soon  as  old  Fuzzy  retired.  Five  dollars  a  week  sav- 
ings —  much  good  that  does  anyway.  Mary  Jane's  thoughts  about  her  hus- 
band become  quite  uncharitable.  "If  he  only  had  the  least  understanding 
of  the  kind  of  life  I  have,  but  all  he  notices  is  Junior's  shoes  are  scuffed  out 
and  he  would  not  even  try  that  Bavarian  cream  I  fixed  yesterday.  It's  all 
very  well  for  him  to  think  Jimmy  Junior's  cute  when  he  sneaks  out  of  bed  — 
he  doesn't  have  him  all  day  and  all  night  and  nothing  but  Jimmy  Junior." 

Thus  Mary  Jane  at  nine  o'clock  of  a  Monday  morning.  At  three  P.M. 
the  sight  of  Junior  tugging  a  large  packing  box  about  the  yard  suddenly 
makes  her  heart  turn  over  with  delight  and  pride.  What  a  duck  he  is.  ... 
She  smiles  all  to  herself  with  pleasure  at  the  sunlight  falling  through  the 
peach  curtains  on  the  blues  and  browns  of  her  livingroom  furniture.  That 
recipe  for  apple  pan  dowdy  —  she'll  try  that  for  supper.  Jim  will  be  home 
in  two  hours  and  a  half,  home  for  a  whole  lovely  evening.  And  Monday  is 
Philadelphia  orchestra  night  on  the  radio.  For  no  reason  at  all  life  is  abruptly 
good,  very  good. 

Jim,  meantime,  is  having  his  own  problems,  big  and  little.    Mary  Jane  is 


206  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE   MARRIED 

a  frequent  pain  in  the  neck  to  him.  He  likes  his  eggs  with  the  whites  firm 
and  the  yolks  runny.  Mary  Jane  gets  them  wrong  every  time  —  sometimes 
leathery,  sometimes  slimy.  Why  does  she  have  to  be  so  cranky  with  Junior, 
and  why  can't  she  keep  him  quiet  mornings?  She  should  know  a  man  needs 
all  the  rest  he  can  get.  He  has  to  give  his  best  to  the  job  —  marriage  is  too 
expensive  to  loaf  or  to  be  tired.  Mary  doesn't  understand  that  at  all.  He 
gave  up  his  big  chance  in  the  Texas  branch  just  for  her,  didn't  he.  But  does 
she  appreciate  it?  And  yet  Jim,  too,  has  his  hours  of  excitement  and  delight, 
of  deep  satisfaction  in  his  wife  and  his  son  and  his  home  and  himself  in  the 
role  of  father  in  the  family.6 

How  do  you  react  to  this  latter  view  of  marriage?  It  is  more  accu- 
rate than  the  version  thrust  upon  us  by  the  advertisers,  but  it  is  still  only 
the  top  layer,  the  part  we  see,  the  common-sense  interpretation  of  sat- 
isfactions and  discords  in  the  lives  of  Mary  Jane  and  Jim.  The  roots  of 
conflict  lie  much  deeper  in  the  personalities  of  sparring  partners. 

If  the  discrepancy  between  what  you  imagined  marriage  would  be 
like  and  what  it  is  in  reality  is  as  great  as  that  presented  above,  don't 
feel  marriage  has  cheated  you.  The  first  step  toward  permanent  and 
satisfying  marriage  is  disillusionment,  the  willingness  to  accept  one's  self 
and  one's  partner  on  the  level  of  everyday  living,  to  take  the  worse 
along  with  the  better. 

It  should  be  pointed  out  that  well-adjusted  couples  will  recognize 
moments  of  rapture  and  the  moments  of  disappointment,  as  well  as 
the  strong  undercurrent  of  partnership  in  the  run-of-the-mine  emotions 
of  daily  life.  The  role  of  moods  is  important,  some  days  we're  up,  some 
days  down,  some  days  romantic  and  some  days  realistic.  Disillusion- 
ment, although  primarily  concerned  with  facing  realities,  includes  find- 
ing a  place  for  the  delightful  moments  of  the  happier  mood. 

Setting  up  Housekeeping 

In  a  play  of  recent  years  called  3  Is  a  Family,  the  young  mother  breaks 
down  and  weeps  after  her  exasperated  husband  has  criticized  her  ineffi- 
ciency and  mistakes  in  keeping  the  house  straightened  up,  and  her  fail- 
ures with  the  baby.  "You  must  have  patience  with  me;  I  know  I'm  in- 
efficient, but  you  see,  I've  never  been  a  mother  before."  The  job  was 
too  big  for  her  to  handle  all  at  once.  She  knew  she  was  in  a  mess  but 
6  Reprinted  from  The  Happy  Family  by  John  Levy  and  Ruth  Munroe,  by  pe* 
mission  of  and  special  arrangement  with  Alfred  A.  Knopf,  Inc. 


JUST   MARRIED 


207 


"Remember!     You  said  you  loved  me  .  .  ." 


was  powerless  to  climb  out  of  it.    New  jobs  are  like  that,  and  marriage 
with  its  new  household  tasks  takes  some  experience  and  planning. 

Or  take  the  poor  bride  in  the  cartoon  on  this  page.  Obviously,  she 
did  not  manage  her  time  correctly.  She  probably  slept  too  late,  took 
too  long  to  get  the  groceries,  left  the  chicken  too  long  while  she  went 
to  the  store.  She  is  counting  on  love  to  get  her  by!  "If  he  loves  me  he 
will  forgive  and  forget."  If  he  is  impatient  and  cross,  she  will  claim  he 
doesn't  love  her.  But  in  a  marriage  based  on  companionship  and  con- 
jugal love,  the  girl  might  say,  "How  would  you  like  to  pitch  in  and  help 
me  clean  up?  This  job  of  being  a  wife  is  more  difficult  than  I  thought 
—  and  kiss  me,  dear,  first!" 

Both  parties  in  a  new  marriage  face  adjustments  to  a  level  of  living 
less  well  ordered  and  substantial  than  existed  in  the  parental  family. 
After  all,  it  took  their  parents  twenty  to  thirty  years  to  provide  their 
home  with  all  its  facilities  and  to  organize  their  routines  so  faultlessly. 
The  new  husband  may  obtain  an  understanding  of  his  wife's  problems 
if  he  pitches  in  to  help  with  the  meal,  setting  the  table  and  washing  up 
the  dishes  afterward  —  as  well  he  should.  The  new  wife  needs  to  realize 
she  can't  follow  the  same  budget  for  her  personal  expenditures  that  she 
could  under  her  father's  high  salary,  and  she  should  thank  her  lucky 


208  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

stars  she  has  a  wardrobe  built  up  which  will  hold  her  over  the  first  few 
years.  These  are  only  a  few  of  the  adjustments  which  occur  in  the  shift 
from  parental  family  living  to  the  life  of  newlyweds. 

Out  of  the  clinical  studies  by  psychiatrists  of  hundreds  of  housewives 
come  these  findings  of  value  for  new  husbands:  Personalities  which  re- 
quire order,  which  require  that  a  house  be  neat  and  spotless,  that  every 
chair  have  a  special  place  and  all  clothes  be  put  away,  in  other  words, 
personalities  which  make  wonderful  housekeepers  rarely  make  adaptable, 
understanding,  patient  wives.  Rarely  can  a  wife  be  both  a  perfect 
housekeeper  and  an  understanding,  flexible  companion.  The  husband 
may  get  a  not-so-good  housekeeper  who  won't  worry  and  fuss  about 
him  and  the  children.  But  the  compulsion  to  keep  order  which  makes 
for  perfection  in  household  management  is  incompatible  with  normal 
rough  and  tumble  married  living.  Take  your  choice!  A  man  may  en- 
joy keeping  things  "shipshape"  while  on  duty,  but  at  home  who  wants 
to  live  under  the  eagle  eye  of  an  inspecting  admiral? 

Major  Accomplishments  of  the  First  Year  of  Marriage 

Courtship,  engagement,  and  marriage  can  merge  imperceptibly  without 
jarring  adjustments.  A  student's  letter  to  one  of  the  authors  shows  how 
normally  and  easily  he  and  his  wife  achieved  this  merger: 

I  didn't  learn  much  about  family  in  my  first  month  of  marriage,  but  I  did 
learn  a  great  deal  about  marriage.  We  moved  into  our  own  house,  budgeted 
our  time  and  expenditures;  we  consulted  a  physician  about  birth  control 
methods  and  got  a  very  good  start  on  our  adjustment  to  the  new  roles  we 
had  assumed.  Nobody  told  us  a  great  deal  about  how  to  manage  our  affairs 
and  it  seemed  to  come  natural  to  us.  ...  I  am  very  happily  married;  I 
have  a  wonderful  wife  and  mother  for  my  children  and  two  of  the  swellest, 
healthiest,  most  perfect  kids  that  anybody  could  ask  for. 

If  all  marriages  developed  as  naturally  and  normally  as  Bob's  and 
Myrtle's  above,  there  would  be  much  less  justification  for  formal  edu- 
cation in  marriage  and  family  life.  These  young  people  changed  the 
company  they  were  frequenting  and  took  on  the  roles  and  responsibili- 
ties of  the  new  relation,  just  as  they  might  shift  tempo  and  dance  steps 
on  the  dance  floor.  Ordinarily  a  person  has  to  learn  the  steps  in  a  new 
dance,  but  if  he  has  watched  carefully  and  is  supple  enough  he  can  imi- 
tate the  new  step  satisfactorily.  In  more  stable  communities  young 


JUST   MARRIED  209 

people  have  known  each  other  since  school  days,  and  at  maturity  may 
slip  quickly  into  the  more  intensified  relationships  of  courtship  and  en- 
gagement with  a  pretty  clear  idea  of  the  reactions  they  may  expect  from 
each  other.  They  assume  the  responsibilities  of  marriage  relatively  eas- 
ily because  the  examples  of  successfully  married  people  are  constantly 
before  them.  Married  people,  moreover,  are  available  to  check  with  as 
the  marriage  progresses. 

In  our  discussion  in  this  chapter  we  have  blazed  a  trail  for  couples 
who  do  not  have  models  of  marriage  so  clearly  accessible.  The  story 
tells  of  certain  minimum  expectations  for  couples  in  the  first  year  of 
marriage.  They  have  carried  over  into  the  honeymoon  and  first  months 
of  marriage  the  fascinating  pattern  of  exploration  and  experimentation 
started  in  the  engagement.  They  have  learned  how  to  live  intimately 
together  and  may  have  achieved  a  satisfying  sexual  relationship.  They 
have  come  to  accept  the  realities  of  marriage  with  its  routines  and 
schedules  and  unromantic  regularity.  Romantic  thrills  are  giving  way 
to  more  companionable  sentiments. 

Our  newlyweds  have  come  to  think  of  themselves  as  belonging  to 
the  married  set  and  now  feel  comfortable  in  the  roles  of  husband  and 
wife,  both  at  home  and  elsewhere.  They  are  winning  a  status  in  the 
community  as  married  folk  and  will  soon  be  inducted  into  the  circles  of 
gardeners,  marketing  specialists,  and  canning  artists.  Some  people  may 
already  have  begun  talking  about  the  advantages  of  "having  your  babies 
while  you  are  young." 

Although  there  have  been  many  quarrels  and  conflicts  during  the 
first  year,  the  differences  are  being  ironed  out,  and  the  friction  has  worn 
smooth  the  edges  which  seemed  so  easily  irritated  the  first  few  months. 
The  pair  still  has  its  differences  but  has  come  to  know  that  quarreling 
is  no  longer  any  threat  to  its  relationship,  which  in  itself  is  a  major  ac- 
complishment. Our  new  husband  and  wife  have  come  to  accept  mar- 
ried life  with  its  ups  and  downs  and  are  prepared  now  to  take  the  worse 
along  with  the  better.  The  first  year  of  marriage  has  been  stimulating 
and  satisfying.  For  the  couple  who  worried  about  the  pitfalls  of  mar- 
riage it  is  reassuring  to  know  that  marriage  is  sometimes  full  of  fun! 


Selected  Readings 

CHRISTENSEN,  HAROLD  T.,  Marriage  Andtysis   (New  York:   Ronald  Press, 
1950),  Chap.  10,  "Mate  Adjustment." 


210  WHAT    IT   MEANS    TO    BE   MARRIED 

HIMES,  NORMAN  s.,  Your  Marriage:  A  Guide  to  Happiness  (New  York: 
Farrar  and  Rinehart,  1940),  Chap.  11,  'The  Wedding  and  the  Honey- 
moon." 

LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage  (New 
York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  10,  "Achieving  Adjustment  in  Mar- 
riage." 

LEVY,  JOHN,  AND  MUNROE,  RUTH,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf, 
1938),  Chap.  2,  "Settling  Down  to  Marriage." 

MACE,  DAVID,  For  Those  Who  Wear  the  Altar-Halter  (New  York:  Woman's 
Home  Companion,  1949),  essay  on  the  early  weeks  of  marriage. 

MAGOUN,  F.  ALEXANDER,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948), 
Chap.  2,  "The  Nature  of  Marriage." 

MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  Courtship  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Sloane,  1949), 
chaps.  7,  13. 

SKIDMORE,  REX  A.,  AND  CANNON,  ANTHON  s.,  Building  Your  Marriage  (New 
York:  Harper,  1951),  Chap.  13,  "The  Wedding  and  the  Honeymoon." 

TRAVIS,  LEE  E.,  AND  BARUCH,  DOROTHY  w.,  Personal  Problems  of  Everyday 
Life  (New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1941),  Chap.  9. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  Chap.  13,  "Married-Pair  Living." 

Technical  References 

BRAV,  STANLEY,  "Note  on  Honeymoons,"  Marriage  and  Family  Living, 
Vol.  9  (Summer,  1947),  p.  60. 

COTTRELL,  LEONARD  s.,  JR.,  "Roles  and  Marital  Adjustment,"  Publications 
of  the  American  Sociological  Society,  Vol.  27  (1933),  pp.  107-115. 

SLATER,  ELIOT,  AND  wooDSiDE,  MOYA,  Patterns  of  Marriage:  A  Study  of  Mar- 
riage Relationships  in  the  Urban  Working  Classes  (London:  Cassell  and 
Company,  1951),  Chap.  9. 

TRUXAL,  ANDREW  G.,  AND  MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  The  Family  in  American  Cul- 
ture (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1947),  Chap.  21. 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  chaps. 
15,16. 


CHAPTER   ELEVEN 


Where  Does  the  Money  Go? 


MONEY  MATTERS   IN   MARRIAGE 


How  much  money  does  it  take  to  get  married? 

Do  budgets  have  to  cramp  your  style? 

How  about  wives  working? 

Is  insurance  a  must? 

Does  it  take  brains  to  shop? 

Is  it  easy  to  borrow  money? 

How  can  you  keep  out  of  debt? 


'ANY    HONEST,    RESPONSIBLE,    HARD    WORKING    PEOPLE    WHO 

have  good  incomes,  cannot  manage  their  personal  finances  successfully. 
Joe  Bank  who  was  earning  $100  a  week  can  hardly  be  regarded  as  a 
charity  case.  Neither  was  he  dishonest.  Yet  he  was  in  serious  financial 
difficulties.  He  owed  over  $1000  and  was  getting  deeper  into  debt  all 
the  time;  yet  he  had  had  no  unusual  expenses,  such  as  operations  or  ill- 
nesses. He  was  not  now  borrowing  from  a  loan  company.  He  had  bor- 
rowed several  times  before,  only  to  find  his  troubles  increased.  In  des- 
peration he  admitted  his  own  inability  to  get  out  by  himself,  and  had 
gone  for  help  to  a  company  whose  job  it  was  to  help  people  get  out  on 
their  own  power.  There  are  many  thousands  like  him:  people  who  earn 
enough  to  live  comfortably  and  well,  but  somehow  cannot  seem  to 
make  ends  meet.  The  purpose  of  this  chapter  is  to  help,  not  only  those 
in  financial  difficulties,  but  all  who  would  like  to  live  better  on  the  in- 
comes they  have. 


214 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 


Can  We  Afford  to  Marry? 

What  income  should  we  have  before  we  marry?  How  much  should  we 
have  in  the  bank?  If  we  marry,  will  we  be  able  to  afford  it?  The  only 
proper  answer  to  this  is  that  it  depends  upon  how  much  you  demand. 
The  1950  census  tells  us  what  families  actually  did  have  to  live  on  as  of 
1949.  Almost  a  fourth  of  all  American  families  (22.9%)  had  incomes 
of  less  than  $1000  a  year.  Less  than  half  (43.2%)  had  as  much  as 
$3000.  About  16  per  cent  had  as  much  as  $5000,  6  per  cent  had  over 
$7000  and  2.4  per  cent  over  $io,ooo.1  Rising  costs,  as  indicated  in  the 
chart  below,  add  still  further  to  the  economic  difficulties  of  families. 
Obviously  most  families  will  never  have  anything  like  the  incomes  which 
some  people  regard  as  necessary  to  support  a  family. 

The  question  "Can  we  afford  to  marry?"  then,  must  depend  largely 
^upon  the  prospective  bride  and  groom  for  its  answer.    A  discussion  of 
the  following  questions  may  help  in  providing  such  an  answer:  How 
much  income  are  you  both  accustomed  to?    Could  you  get  along  hap- 
pily on  less  if  necessary?    What  are  your  present  and  immediate  respon- 

POST-WAR  LIVING  COSTS  ARE  THE  HIGHEST  EVER 

In  1949,  $1.00  bought  only  as  much  as  59  cents  in  1939 
Consumer  price  index 
(1935--39  -  100) 
180 


160 


140 


120 


100 


80 

1930          1935  1940  1945 

From  Children  and  Youth  at  the  Midcentury  —  A  Chart   Book,    Health  Publications   Institute,   Inc., 
Raleigh,  North  Carolina. 

1  U.S.  Bureau  of  the  Census,  1950. 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  215 

sibilities  for  the  support  of  relatives?  (Do  not  include  the  support 
which  you  may  later  be  called  upon  to  give  to  parents  who  may  remain 
self-supporting  for  many  years.) 

In  estimating  your  probable  costs  after  marriage,  figure  that  two  can 
live  as  cheaply  as  two.  What  is  it  now  costing  both  of  you  to  live?  If 
the  prospective  wife  is  living  with  her  parents,  estimate  the  money  value 
of  what  she  is  now  receiving  from  her  family,  such  as  room,  board, 
medical  and  dental  service,  and  perhaps  an  allowance,  all  of  which  she 
may  lose  after  marriage.  In  confronting  your  financial  problems,  do 
not  expect  to  start  in  where  your  parents  are  now,  either. 

About  That  Budget 

Does  the  word  "budget"  scare  you?  A  budget  is  only  a  plan  to  get  the 
most  from  your  income.  Can-  you  afford  this  or  that?  How  do  you 
know  unless  your  income  is  budgeted?  Do  you  find  it  hard  to  make 
ends  meet  to  pay  all  the  bills?  Do  you  wonder  "where  it  has  all  gone"? 
Before  you  plan  your  budget,  here  are  some  facts  you  should  bear  in 
mind. 

Expenses  for  various  items  will  not  be  the  same  for  each  month  or 
each  year.  In  winter  the  fuel  costs  will  run  high,  in  spring  and  fall  the 
clothing  bills.  Some  years  there  will  be  extra  expenses,  such  as  a  new 
car  or  a  baby.  Professor  Bigelow  points  out  that  there  is  usually  a  fam- 
ily cost  cycle  which  rises  steadily  through  the  years  to  a  peak,  and 
then  declines  sharply  after  the  children  have  become  self-supporting.2 
Changes  in  the  financial  condition  of  the  country  at  large  also  pro- 
foundly affect  family  financial  planning.  Families  vary  also  in  their  in- 
terests and  desires.  Some  wish  to  spend  more  for  one  item,  and  some 
for  another.  In  view  of  all  these  factors,  then,  it  is  hardly  sound  to 
say  that  a  family  should  spend  a  certain  proportion  of  its  income  for 
food,  rent,  clothing,  or  any  other  particular  item.  Each  family  must 
work  out  its  own  budget  in  the  light  of  its  income  and  desires.  The 
following  suggestions  may  prove  of  help  in  working  out  the  budget: 

1  List  your  monthly  income. 

2  List  all  items  of  regular  expense  which  are  predictable,  such  as  rent,  gas, 
light,  telephone,  installment  payments,  and  insurance.    Include  groceries 
if  you  can  estimate  their  cost  with  reasonable  accuracy. 

2  See  his  chapter  "Financing  the  Marriage"  in  Howard  Becker  and  Reuben  Hill, 
eds.,  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parenthood  (Boston:  Heath,  1948). 


216  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE   MARRIED 

3  List  your  probable  expenses  for  other  essentials,  such  as  clothing,  carfare, 
and  laundry. 

4  Allocate  a  personal  allowance  for  each  member  of  the  family,  including 
children  old  enough  to  spend  money.    (Such  expenditures  should  be  the 
private  business  of  each  individual,  accountable  to  no  one.)     List  each 
name  with  the  amount  of  the  allowance  beside  it. 

5  Add  all  the  above  expenses  together,  and  subtract  the  total  from  the 
monthly  income.    How  much  do  you  have  left?    Circle  it  in  pencil.    If 
you  don't  have  a  balance,  your  plane  of  living  is  too  high! 

6  Now  comes  the  fun.    Forget  about  how  much  you  have  left.    Make  a 
list  of  everything  you  want  which  you  might  conceivably  afford.    Spread 
yourselves.    Include  new  furniture,  dishes,  silverware,  washing  machine, 
sporting  goods,  books,  an  exciting  vacation,  or  anything  within  reason. 
Most  of  these  you  may  not  be  able  to  get,  but  it  is  fun  to  write  them 
down. 

7  Go  over  this  list  carefully  and  arrange  the  items  in  order  of  preference. 
Yes,  this  is  a  good  time  for  family  squabbles,  for  differences  of  opinion 
and  taste,  but  these  might  just  as  well  come  right  out  into  the  open.    If 
you  are  not  yet  married  and  the  girl  friend  cannot  be  present,  arrange 
the  items  for  yourself,  with  a  family  situation  in  mind. 

8  Now  go  back  over  your  so-called  fixed  necessities  and  see  if  they  are  as 
essential  as  you  thought.    You  may  decide  to  go  without  so  much  beer, 
cigarettes,  or  candy,  and  spend  the  money  saved  for  a  better  vacation 
next  summer,  or  for  linoleum  for  the  floor,  or  for  a  new  suit.    Cutting 
down  on  movies  and  entertainment  might  enable  your  wife  to  get  the 
silver  fox  scarf  she  has  always  wanted,  or  you  to  get  the  fine  tennis  racket 
or  set  of  golf  clubs  you  have  set  your  heart  on.    You  will  be  surprised 
how  many  things  which  you  thought  you  could  not  afford  now  become 
possible.    Driblets  added  together  often  make  a  sizable  sum.    List  in  one 
column  what  you  might  leave  out  and  in  a  second  column  what  may 
now  be  included. 

9  Now  go  back  to  point  five.    How  much  did  you  have  left  over  after  pro- 
viding for  the  running  expenses  of  the  household?    Add  to  it  what  you 
have  saved  from  your  driblets.    Then  take  about  three  fourths  of  this 
total  and  plan  to  buy  as  many  things  on  your  list  under  point  seven  as 
you  have  money  for. 

10  Keep  careful  accounts,  but  do  not  be  a  fanatic  on  the  subject.    If  you 
cannot  remember  where  that  dime  went,  forget  it  and  go  to  the  movies 
as  you  had  planned. 

11  Oh,  yes,  what  about  that  other  fourth  of  what  you  had  left  (point  9) 
after  deducting  all  usual  running  expenses  and  buying  what  you  wished? 
Save  it.     For  what?     For  emergencies,  such  as  sickness  and  hospital 
bills;  for  the  education  of  the  children;  to  give  yourself  a  start  on  a  home 
of  your  own;  or  just  to  start  a  bank  account.     But  do  not  save  it  all. 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  217 

For  before  next  pay  day  you  may  run  into  something  which  you  very 
much  want  but  which  is  not  in  the  budget.  If  you  can,  get  it.  For  if 
your  budget  is  too  tight  it  will  prove  so  uncomfortable  that  you  may  be- 
come disgusted  and  chuck  the  whole  thing.  Leave  a  little  room  for 
moving  about. 

So  you  see,  the  budget  is  not  a  Demon  Chaperon  always  keeping 
you  from  having  what  you  want.  It  is  a  way  of  showing  you  how  to  get 
what  you  want  most,  instead  of  losing  much  of  your  income  in  little 
expenditures  which  leave  you  nothing  to  show  for  them.  Almost  any 
family  will  find  in  a  really  sound  budget  a  faithful  servant.  Do  not  let 
it  throw  you.  If  you  treat  it  well,  it  will  give  you  a  real  raise  in  pay,  and 
after  all,  that  is  what  budgets  are  for. 


When  You  Have  to  Borrow 

Many  young  couples  find  that  unexpected  illness,  responsibilities  for 
parental  families,  new  babies,  and  a  host  of  other  costly  items  have  a 
tendency  to  pile  up  so  quickly  that  borrowing  money  becomes  neces- 
sary to  meet  the  bills.  Spending  beyond  one's  income  just  for  routine 
living  is  a  complicating  factor  in  family  finances.  This  common  experi- 
ence is  a  result  of  many  factors:  i.  the  bombardment  of  advertising; 
2.  the  attempt  to  keep  up  with  the  Joneses  or  to  live  up  to  the  standard 
set  by  the  vocational  or  social  or  neighborhood  group  with  which  the 
new  family  is  identified;  3.  the  realignment  of  a  standard  of  living  that 
is  involved  when  young  people  step  out  of  homes  that  have  been  going 
concerns  for  twenty  years  or  more  into  a  new  household  that  doesn't 
include  even  an  eggbeater.  So  getting  some  kind  of  financial  help  from 
outside  is  sometimes  imperative. 

It  is  almost  as  difficult  to  borrow  money  wisely  as  it  is  to  earn  it. 
What  are  the  possibilities? 

1  Friends.     If  you  suddenly  find  yourself  without  carfare  or  money  to  pay 
the  dinner  check,  borrowing  from  friends  may  be  essential,  but  as  a  gen- 
eral practice  avoid  it  like  the  plague.    In  the  first  place,  you  probably  will 
not  be  able  to  borrow  enough  to  do  much  good  in  any  real  crisis;  and  sec- 
ondly, you  are  very  likely  to  lose  your  friends,  because  of  your  own  embar- 
rassment if  for  no  other  reason. 

2  Relatives.    Accepting  a  loan  from  members  of  the  family  is  a  matter  so 
dependent  upon  the  nature  of  the  relationship  between  borrower  and 


218  WHAT    IT   MEANS    TO    BE   MARRIED 

lender  that  no  generalization  is  safe.  Some  young  people  do  not  feel  com- 
fortable in  having  to  depend  upon  the  family  after  they  are  on  their  own. 
Others  approve  of  the  various  forms  of  family  subsidy  that  are  the  modern 
equivalents  of  a  dowry  —  showers,  new  home,  bonds,  allowances,  etc. 

3  Advance  on  salary  and  wages.    This  borrowing  technique  may  help  out 
if  the  crisis  is  temporary;  otherwise  it  merely  postpones  the  inevitable. 

4  Loan  sharks.    These  financiers  make  loans  easy  but  may  charge  several 
hundred  per  cent  interest  before  they  are  through  with  you.    Never  bor- 
row from  a  loan  company  which  asks  you  to  pay  a  rate  of  interest  several 
times  as  high  as  that  of  a  legitimate  loan  company.    If  you  get  into  the 
clutches  of  a  loan  shark,  seek  legal  advice  at  once.    If  his  interest  rates  are 
beyond  the  legal  rate  he  cannot  collect. 

5  Legitimate  loan  companies.    Available  in  most  cities  are  loan  companies 
which  do  not  try  to  use  tricky  devices.    Partly  because  of  the  high  cost  of 
collection,  however,  they  charge  about  2.5  to  3  per  cent  interest  a  month, 
or  30  to  36  per  cent  a  year.    Without  in  any  way  casting  reflection  upon 
such  companies,  we  must  recognize  that  this  is  a  much  higher  rate  of  in- 
terest than  most  borrowers  can  afford  to  pay,  or  need  to  pay. 

6  Banks.    These  institutions  are  designed  primarily  to  loan  to  business  en- 
terprises, not  to  individuals  for  personal  expenses.    Usually  they  loan  rela- 
tively small  sums  to  individuals,  and  only  if  bonds  or  similar  collateral  is 
deposited  with  the  bank  in  sufficient  quantity  to  cover  the  loan.    If  you 
own  bonds  which  you  do  not  wish  to  sell,  the  bank  may  be  the  very  best 
place  to  secure  a  loan  at  a  relatively  small  rate  of  interest.    If  you  do  not 
own  such  securities,  you  may  find  that  you  will  be  unable  to  secure  the 
loan. 

7  Credit  unions.    There  are  now  credit  unions  operating  on  a  membership 
basis  through  labor  unions,  industries,  and  fraternal  orders.     The  usual 
rate  is  i  per  cent  a  month,  or  12  per  cent  a  year,  far  lower  than  you  are 
likely  to  pay  elsewhere.    By  all  means,  before  you  borrow  elsewhere,  find 
out  if  there  is  a  credit  union  connected  with  your  place  of  employment  or 
some  other  group  to  which  you  belong.     If  you  must  borrow,  the  credit 
union  is  best  designed  to  meet  your  temporary  need. 


Giving  Yourself  a  Raise  in  Pay 

Obviously  many  people  have  serious  money  problems  just  because  they 
do  not  earn  enough.  However,  the  financial  difficulties  of  many  middle 
class  people  arise  mainly  because  they  do  not  spend  wisely  the  money 
which  they  receive.  Some  families  are  constantly  bemoaning  their  pov- 
erty and  longing  for  a  raise  in  pay.  But  when  the  raise  in  pay  does 
come,  they  find  to  their  consternation  that  they  are  farther  behind  than 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  219 

they  were  before.  The  reason  is  that  for  every  dollar  of  additional  in- 
come they  get,  they  raise  their  expenditures  two  dollars.  No  amount  of 
additional  income  which  they  can  ever  hope  to  get  can  solve  their  prob- 
lem. They  must  solve  it  themselves  on  the  expenses  end.  Let  us  con- 
sider some  suggestions  for  so  doing. 

Don't  Throw  Money  out  the  Window.  Here  are  some  of  the  more  com- 
mon wasteful  expenditures: 

1  Participating  in  confidence  games  and  frauds.    You  may  never 
have  bought  fake  oil  stocks,  but  what  about  the  panhandler  on  the  cor 
ner  whose  take  averages  $30  a  day?    What  about  the  numerous  fake 
charities  which  abound?    Did  you  pay  a  registration  fee  to  that  so-called 
employment  agency?    Or  fall  for  the  "free  lot  won  with  a  lucky  ticket" 
gag?    Poor  families  which  can  ill  afford  the  loss  are  annually  mulcted  of 
sums  which  run  into  millions.    Approximately  $200  per  family  is  lost 
annually  in  such  deals.    Two  hundred  dollars  would  really  help  your 
budget. 

2  Gambling.     There  is  little  bona  fide  gambling  in  the  United 
States.    Most  of  what  is  called  gambling  is  really  the  donation  of  suck- 
ers to  swindlers.    Slot  machines  pay  off  from  five  to  thirty  cents  on  the 
dollar.    Pools  and  bookie  bets  often  give  odds  no  better. 

3  Buying  worthless  products,  especially  drugs.    Do  you  pay  good 
money  for  stuff  in  bottles  guaranteed  to  take  your  unpleasant  breath 
away,  massacre  bacteria,  prevent  colds,  and  warm  up  cold  love  affairs? 
Know,  then,  that  most  of  these  mouth  washes,  antiseptics,  and  patent 
medicines  in  general  are  essentially  frauds.    If  your  weight  reducer  po- 
tion is  only  a  fraud,  you  are  lucky.    If  it  were  effective,  it  would  be 
highly  dangerous.    One  way  of  helping  your  budget  is  by  looking  in  your 
medicine  cabinet. 

4  Buying  things  you  dont  want.    We  all  see  things  in  stores  which 
attract  us.     But  when  we  get  them  home  we  wonder  why  we  ever 
bought  them.    Anyone  who  goes  through  the  stuff  which  he  has  bought 
but  never  used  or  cared  about  will  get  the  idea.    These  white  elephants, 
herds  of  them,  cost  money,  lots  of  it.    Cut  them  out  and  you  can  in- 
crease your  income,  considerably. 

Gef  More  and  Better  Goods  for  Less  Money.  You  can,  you  know. 
Many  products  can  be  purchased  for  less  money  than  the  general  pub- 
lic pays.  Consider,  for  example,  the  following  instance.  Two  little 


220  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

wives  went  to  market.  Mrs.  Squander  and  Mrs.  Canny  went  to  the 
same  shopping  district  on  the  same  day.  Each  bought  the  articles  and 
paid  the  prices  indicated  in  the  accompanying  table. 

No,  you  are  wrong.  Mrs.  Squander  did  not  get  better  goods.  The 
last  five  items  which  each  bought  are  identical  in  quality.  In  the  sheets 
Mrs.  Canny  got  the  best  buy,  with  a  tensile  strength  of  71  and  72 
pounds  for  warp  and  fill  respectively.  Those  bought  by  Mrs.  Squander 
had  a  tensile  strength  of  62  and  67.  And  tensile  strength  is  probably 
the  best  indicator  of  wearing  quality. 

MRS.  SQUANDER  PAID  MRS.  CANNY  PAID 

6  muslin  sheets,  81 "  X   108"  ©$4.09       $24.54          @  $3.00       $18.00 

2  men's  broadcloth  shirts,  2  &  2  ply  14.00                                   8.00 

2  nylon  jersey  slips  15.90  11.90 
6  pairs  of  nylon  hose,  30  denier, 

51  gauge  ©$1.90         11.40          ©$1.35 

i  bottle,  100  5  gr.  aspirin  tablets,  USP  .50 

i  fld.  oz.  bottle,  make-up  base  1.80 

$68.14 

With  the  remainder  of  her  money,  Mrs.  Canny  was  able  to  get  in  addition: 

i  chenille  bedspread,  good  quality 
i  slip  cover  for  chair 
i  roll  aluminum  foil 

1  sponge  mop 

2  magazines  at  35^  each 

Grand  Total 

Contrary  to  popular  opinion,  the  best  is  not  always  the  most  expen- 
sive. Thousands  of  tests  have  shown  that  some  products  will  last  much 
longer  than  others  which  cost  more.  The  less  expensive  articles  are 
often  the  nicest,  as  well  as  the  most  durable.  Price  tells  little  about 
quality.  Getting  more  and  better  goods  for  less  money  is  one  of  the 
simplest  ways  of  giving  yourself  a  raise  in  pay.  But,  you  say,  how  can 
I  buy  for  less?  How  can  I  be  Mrs.  Canny  in  my  shopping? 

1  Judge  products  on  the  basis  of  scientific  tests,  rather  than  sales  or 
advertising  claims.  The  government  does  not  buy  jeeps  on  the  basis  of 
the  pictures  of  pretty  girls  in  advertisements.  Neither  do  railroads  buy 
rails  because  Betta  Harake  says  they  are  the  smoothest  she  ever  rode  on, 
or  because  a  luscious  radio  voice  describes  them  as  "bright,  shining, 
smooth  steel  ribbons."  Nor  does  the  printer  of  popular  magazines  buy 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  221 

his  paper  on  such  a  basis.  They  all  depend  upon  specifications  and 
tests.  So  should  you.  Since  the  consumer  can  hardly  maintain  his  own 
testing  laboratory,  he  must  depend  upon  some  such  service  as  Consum- 
ers Union  or  Consumer's  Research.3  Like  clocks,  their  counsel  is  not 
always  accurate,  but  taking  their  advice  is  far  better  than  guessing.  On 
the  basis  of  such  reports  it  becomes  possible  to  buy  with  confidence 
nonadvertised  brands  which  often  sell  at  considerably  lower  prices  than 
nationally  advertised  products.  For  example,  a  half-pound  of  a  certain 
kind  of  baking  chocolate  selling  for  fifteen  cents  is  the  same  quality  as 
a  nationally  advertised  brand  selling  for  twenty-three  cents.  Not  only 
soap  flakes  and  similar  products,  but  electric  refrigerators,  washing  ma- 
chines, radios,  trailers,  and  tires  could  often  be  bought  from  chain  stores 
or  mail  order  houses  for  as  much  as  25  per  cent  less  than  nationally  ad- 
vertised brands  of  comparable  quality  and  size.  And  the  companies 
stand  behind  them,  too. 

2  Purchase  -where  you  can  secure  good  quality  at  a  low  price.    It 
may  cost  as  much  as  seventy-five  cents  to  assemble  and  deliver  an  order 
of  groceries.    Credit  is  expensive  in  both  bookkeeping  and  losses.    Such 
costs  must  necessarily  be  reflected  in  the  prices  charged  for  goods.    The 
"name"  of  the  store  and  personal  service  may  also  cause  a  further  in- 
crease in  prices,  and  consequently  the  mark-up  of  one  store  may  be  twice 
that  of  another.    It  is  significant  that  the  O.P.A.  specifically  permitted 
certain  classes  of  grocery  stores  to  charge  higher  ceiling  prices  than  oth- 
ers.   So  if  you  want  to  give  yourself  a  raise  in  pay,  trade  where  the 
mark-up  is  low.    The  difference  may  be  considerable. 

3  Take  advantage  of  sales,  especially  seasonal  sales.    Some  supposed 
sales  are  frauds,  but  reputable  houses  do  have  bona  fide  sales  at  which 
goods,  especially  furniture  and  clothing,  are  offered  at  considerable  dis- 
count.   Saturday  specials  at  chain  stores  often  offer  attractive  oppor- 
tunities for  saving. 

4  Save  money  by  paying  cash.    With  many  products,  especially  ra- 
dios and  electrical  equipment,  some  shops  and  stores  will  give  a  sizable 
discount  to  any  cash  customer  who  demands  it.    Regarding  some  mer- 
chandise it  has  been  said  that  "only  saps  pay  retail  prices."    It  is  usu- 
ally cheaper  to  buy  anything  for  cash.    Bookkeeping  and  bad  accounts 
are  costly.    The  store  which  charges  the  same  price  for  either  cash  or 

8  For  addresses  of  these  services,  see  p.  235. 


222  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

credit  really  charges  a  higher  price.    If  you  do  not  have  the  cash,  either 
borrow  it  or  wait  until  you  do  have  it. 

5  Consider  buying  secondhand  items.    With  some  products,  such 
as  furniture,  radios,  or  refrigerators,  secondhand  or  discontinued  models 
can  sometimes  be  secured  for  half  price.    Perhaps  you  are  prejudiced 
against  secondhand  goods.    Remember,  however,  that  new  goods  be- 
come secondhand  after  they  have  been  in  your  house  for  only  a  few 
days.     With  products  which  have  motors  or  mechanical  equipment 
which  will  wear  out,  there  is  more  risk.    In  any  case,  with  a  large  pur- 
chase it  may  pay  you  to  have  some  expert  appraise  the  product  for  you, 
even  if  you  must  pay  him  a  sizable  fee.    This  precaution  is  especially 
important  if  you  buy  a  house,  new  or  old. 

6  Let  the  family  become  experts  too.    Have  each  member  of  the 
family  specialize  in  certain  types  of  buying  by  reading  up  on  the  product 
and  doing  all  the  purchasing  in  that  area.    When  contemplating  a  large 
investment,  such  as  furniture,  a  refrigerator,  or  a  car,  special  study 
should  be  given  before  buying. 

7  Keep  what  you  have  in  good  repair.   A  stitch  in  time  saves  not  only 
nine;  it  may  save  the  whole  garment.    A  little  glue,  a  screw  properly 
placed,  may  save  the  whole  table  or  chair.    Shiftlessness  is  by  no  means 
the  only  cause  of  poverty,  but  it  is  often  a  contributing  factor.    If  you 
do  not  know  how  to  make  minor  repairs,  it  will  pay  you  to  learn.    Here 
again,  specialization  by  each  member  of  the  family  may  prove  eco- 
nomical. 

Be  Discriminating  Regarding  Luxuries.  Many  families  of  modest  in- 
come could  raise  their  standard  of  living  considerably  simply  by  elimi- 
nating one  or  more  of  the  luxuries  which  consume  so  large  a  proportion 
of  their  earnings.  Let  us  consider  some  of  the  more  dispensable  lux- 
uries of  the  average  couple. 

1  Entertaining  and  dining  out.  Couples  naturally  want  to  do  some 
entertaining.  If  this  involves  expensive  food  or  liquor,  the  cost  will  run 
up.  One  couple  dared  to  substitute  simple  sandwiches  and  carefully 
planned  games  for  drinks,  and  got  away  with  it.  The  saving  may  easily 
mean  the  difference  between  going  into  debt  or  keeping  ahead  of  the 
game  and  being  able  to  get  something  you  have  always  wanted.  Meals 
eaten  out  may  cost  a  couple  several  dollars  a  week  more  than  meals 
eaten  in.  It's  all  right  if  you  want  to  spend  your  money  that  way.  On 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  223 

the  other  hand,  don't  complain  about  not  being  able  to  afford  that  new 
pair  of  shoes  or  that  tennis  racket  which  a  very  few  weeks  of  economy 
at  this  point  would  make  possible. 

2  Expensive  apartments.    In  most  cities  it  is  possible  to  secure  com- 
modious, comfortable  apartments  at  a  price  considerably  less  than  that 
charged  for  those  with  a  swanky  address.    One  couple  who  moved  from 
their  expensive  place  found  that  with  the  difference  in  rent  they  were 
able  in  the  course  of  a  single  year  to  buy  a  good  watch,  an  electric  sew- 
ing machine,  an  extra  radio,  a  fur  scarf,  two  really  good  pieces  of  furni- 
ture, and  a  serviceable  secondhand  typewriter.    What  a  simple  way  to 
raise  your  standard  of  living! 

3  The  car.    A  car  is  a  desirable  thing  to  own;  it  is  a  convenience, 
and  sometimes  a  necessity.    But  for  most  people  it  is  a  luxury,  since  they 
could  get  along  quite  well  with  public  transportation.    If  you  are  a  me- 
chanic, you  may  be  able  to  operate  a  car  at  relatively  small  expense. 
Otherwise  it  can  easily  add  several  hundred  dollars  a  year  to  your  ex- 
penses.   To  determine  its  actual  costs  include  gas  and  oil,  licenses,  in- 
surance, depreciation,  and  interest  on  the  investment  of  car  and  the 
garage.    If  you  do  not  have  a  car,  you  will  have  a  surprising  sum  avail- 
able for  other  things. 

4  Proving  you  are  better  than  the  Joneses.    This  is  the  most  expen- 
sive luxury  of  all.    Most  people  either  feel  inferior  to  others  or  wish  to 
feel  superior.    It  is  too  much  work  actually  to  become  superior,  or  peo- 
ple may  not  have  what  it  takes.    So  they  try  to  compensate  by  paying 
more  for  what  they  buy.    There  are  a  few  connoisseurs  who  really  ap- 
preciate choice  things  and  are  willing  to  pay  for  them,  but  most  people 
who  pay  high  prices  do  so  in  order  to  make  themselves  feel  important. 
A  lady  was  considering  two  sets  of  dishes,  one  of  which  cost  $100,  and 
the  other  $150.    She  ordered  the  more  expensive  set  without  hesitation. 
She  wanted  the  best,  she  said.    After  the  dishes  were  delivered  the  store 
owner  called  up  in  distress.    The  clerk  had  made  a  mistake  and  mixed 
the  price  tags.    Her  dishes  were  the  $100  set.    Instead  of  getting  her 
$50  back,  she  at  once  ordered  the  set  which  she  had  previously  rejected. 
She  was  buying,  not  primarily  dishes,  but  a  feeling  of  personal  im- 
portance. 

This  is  a  game  at  which  you  cannot  win,  for  as  soon  as  you  find  your- 
self able  to  outbuy  everyone  in  your  set,  you  move  up  the  economic 


224  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

scale  where  the  competition  is  keener,  and  you  are  right  back  where  you 
were.  If  you  doubled  your  income  you  would  live  and  associate  with 
people  on  a  still  more  expensive  level,  and  still  could  not  keep  up. 
Some  people  who  get  $3000  a  month  complain  that  they  cannot  live 
on  their  incomes.  For  most  people  there  is  and  can  be  only  one  solu- 
tion to  their  economic  problems:  learn  to  enjoy  life  in  simple  and  in- 
expensive ways  and  stop  trying  to  impress  yourself  and  others  by  the 
prices  which  you  pay.  Many  would  find  that  if  they  learned  to  depend 
for  their  enjoyment  upon  themselves  as  family  members  who  can  have 
fun  together  rather  than  upon  the  things  that  money  can  buy,  most  of 
their  economic  problems  would  automatically  be  solved. 


Production  in  the  Home 

Many  people  today  do  not  include  production  within  the  home  as  part 
of  their  real  income,  nor  do  they  consider  how  such  income  can  be  em- 
ployed most  effectively.  Much  production  centers  around  the  prepara- 
tion and  serving  of  food,  and  it  is  questionable  whether  this  pays  as 
such.  We  pointed  out  earlier  that  it  might  cost  several  times  as  much 
to  eat  out  as  to  eat  in,  but  this  is  true  only  if  the  family  is  already  pay- 
ing most  of  the  preparation  costs  anyway.  For  example,  if  a  five-room 
apartment  renting  for  $100  a  month  includes  a  dining  room  and  kitchen, 
the  rental  costs  of  preparing  and  serving  food  alone  will  amount  to 
about  $40.  In  addition,  there  is  all  the  investment  in  equipment,  in- 
cluding the  refrigerator,  stove,  dining  room  and  kitchen  furniture,  and 
dishes,  plus  the  cost  of  gas  and  electricity  used  for  food  preparation  and 
preservation.  It  is  fair  to  say  that  the  cost  of  serving  food  in  the  home 
must  be  estimated  at  about  $2.00  a  day,  not  including  the  cost  of  the 
food  itself.  Most  of  these  costs  go  on  whether  food  is  served  or  not. 

This  is  not,  however,  a  complete  picture,  for  the  couple  or  family 
which  lives  in  a  room  or  two  with  no  kitchen  or  dining  facilities  does 
not  enjoy  the  same  conveniences.  The  dining  room,  for  example,  is  not 
merely  a  place  for  eating  but  also  a  work  room,  and  makes  the  home 
more  spacious.  Furthermore,  providing  food  in  one's  home  brings  satis- 
factions which  eating  out  all  the  time  cannot  give.  Thus,  much  of  the 
overhead  of  the  apartment  which  includes  dining  room,  kitchen,  and 
necessary  equipment  can  be  counted  as  necessary  costs  of  satisfactory 
family  living,  just  as  you  now  regard  the  costs  of  the  living  room  and  its 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  225 

furnishings.  Furthermore,  the  effort  involved  in  the  serving  of  meals  is 
not  necessarily  unrewarding  labor.  Some  people  enjoy  preparing  food 
and  decorating  a  table,  just  as  they  do  dancing  or  playing  tennis. 

The  preparation  of  food  is  not  the  only  productive  activity  com- 
monly carried  on  within  the  family.  The  making  of  clothing  may  in 
some  families  be  considerable,  and  the  repairing  of  furniture,  clothing, 
or  other  equipment  may  have  high  economic  value.  Cleaning  is  an- 
other service  of  real  value,  as  you  will  quickly  discover  if  you  pay  to 
have  it  done.  Since  most  women  have  more  time  in  the  home  than 
men  do,  much  of  the  responsibility  for  its  productive  activities  falls 
upon  them.  If  both  husband  and  wife  work  outside  the  home,  how- 
ever, there  is  no  reason  why  women  should  be  expected  to  do  more  than 
their  share.  Women  do  not  naturally  cook  and  sew  any  better  than 
men.  Some  of  our  best  chefs  and  tailors  are  men.  Conversely,  the  war 
has  shown  that  women  can  become  excellent  mechanics.  Any  differ- 
ence is  due  to  the  particular  individual,  not  to  the  sex,  and  even  indi- 
vidual differences  are  often  due  to  past  learnings  and  experiences.  In 
this  connection  it  should  be  noted  that  children  can  and  should  assume 
many  productive  tasks  around  the  home,  not  only  to  make  the  house- 
hold tasks  less  burdensome  for  others,  but  to  develop  the  children  as 
well  and  ready  them  to  assume  the  responsibilities  of  a  family  when 
they  marry. 


Should  Wives  Continue  to  Work  after  Marriage? 

Here  is  something  to  argue  about.  Before  we  line  up  in  battle  forma- 
tion, let  us  objectively  examine  a  few  relevant  facts.  How  did  the  issue 
come  about  in  the  first  place?  Years  ago  the  productive  tasks  of  the 
home  were  much  greater  than  they  are  today.  With  childbearing  and 
the  lack  of  modern  aids  and  conveniences,  the  work  of  most  wives  was 
probably  greater  than  that  of  their  husbands.  Of  them  it  was  said, 
"Man  works  from  sun  to  sun,  but  woman's  work  is  never  done."  Grad- 
ually, however,  the  family  bought  more  and  more  of  the  things  which 
women  used  to  make  in  the  home:  soap,  clothes,  and  later  bread  and 
canned  goods.  Women  bore  fewer  children  and  had  more  and  more 
conveniences,  such  as  vacuum  cleaners  and  electrical  kitchen  equipment, 
to  aid  them.  Since  these  purchases  were  made  with  the  money  earned 
by  men,  the  burden  on  the  husband  became  increasingly  greater.  He 


226  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

had  to  do  what  he  did  not  have  to  do  before:  earn  enough  for  two,  as 
well  as  enough  for  the  children.  The  woman's  burden  became  increas- 
ingly lighter,  and  for  some  almost  reached  the  vanishing  point.  In  the 
earlier  days,  marriage  was  essentially  an  economic  partnership.  Neither 
husband  nor  wife  supported  the  other,  and  even  the  children  were  sup- 
ported only  during  the  first  few  years.  As  time  went  on,  however,  and 
wives  and  children  bought  more  and  produced  less,  the  increased  bur- 
den on  the  husband  became  accepted  as  the  normal  and  proper  situa- 
tion. In  the  middle  and  upper  income  groups,  wives  often  became 
merely  expensive  luxuries.  The  extent  of  the  support  of  a  wife  came 
for  many  men  to  be  a  test  of  their  abilities.  Far  from  resenting  this 
situation,  men  often  assumed  the  cost  proudly  as  evidence  of  their  earn- 
ing power.  Many  came  to  resent  violently  the  idea  of  their  wives' 
working  outside  the  home  as  a  reflection  upon  their  ability  to  provide 
support.  This  attitude  is  now  changing,  despite  the  anguished  cries  of 
those  who  cherish  it.  The  idea  that  a  man  should  support  his  wife, 
which  is  hardly  more  than  a  generation  old,  seems  rapidly  passing  out. 
With  this  preliminary  discussion,  then,  let  us  look  at  the  situation  as  it 
seems  to  shape  up  today. 

1  Some  women  are  temperamentally  so  built  that  if  they  do  not  have  a  job 
of  their  own  they  either  "blow  up"  or  constantly  meddle  in  the  affairs  of 
their  husbands,  and  possibly  those  of  other  husbands  as  well.    With  them 
a  real  job  outside  the  family  meets  a  vital  psychological  need. 

2  A  few  women  have  special  talents  and  skills  which  ought  not  to  be  wasted. 
In  this  class  belong  some  of  our  more  talented  teachers,  authors,  artists, 
and  executives.    Such  women  may  take  time  out  for  children,  but  will  and 
should  remain  employed  for  most  of  their  productive  years. 

3  Wives  of  certain  professional  men,  such  as  ministers,  governmental  offi- 
cials, or  big  business  executives,  may  find  their  full-time  employment  as 
helpers  and  hostesses  for  their  husbands. 

4  Wives  of  farmers  usually  have  a  full-time  job  where  they  are. 

5  Many  women  are  really  employed  extensively  outside  their  homes,  but  are 
not  so  regarded  because  they  are  not  paid.    They  are  prominent  in  church 
work,  P.T.A/s,  and  various  civic  and  community  organizations  and  enter- 
prises.   A  woman  is  not  unemployed  because  she  is  not  paid  for  her  work. 

6  Most  wives  have  neither  the  strength  nor  the  ability  to  carry  on  a  very  big 
job  outside  the  home  while  their  children  still  need  careful  supervision. 
Most  wives  in  cities  could  carry  on  a  real  job,  at  least  part  time,  before 
their  children  come  and  after  they  are  grown. 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  227 

7  Some  women  are  so  lacking  in  talents  and  interests  that  housekeeping, 
even  without  children,  taxes  their  capacities  to  the  utmost. 

The  wives  of  today  who  are  employed,  then,  are  doing  essentially 
the  same  things  their  great-grandmothers  did,  except  that  now  they  are 
doing  their  jobs  outside  the  home.  During  the  first  year  or  so  of  mar- 
riage the  earning  power  of  the  husband  is  relatively  low,  while  the  ex- 
penses are  relatively  high.  Usually  all  the  furniture  has  to  be  bought, 
and  the  couple  need  to  save  up  enough  money  for  the  first  baby.  Dur- 
ing this  period  an  increasing  proportion  of  wives  will  insist  upon  carry- 
ing their  share  of  the  economic  load.  If  the  earnings  of  both  husband 
and  wife  are  used  up  for  current  living  expenses,  however,  they  face  a 
real  problem.  A  baby  will  mean  that  their  expenses  are  considerably 
increased  at  the  same  time  that  their  income  may  be  cut  almost  in  half. 
Many  couples  guard  against  this  difficulty  by  living  on  the  husband's  in- 
come only  and  saving  all  that  the  wife  earns.  Putting  some  of  the  latter 
into  home  furnishings  is  one  form  of  saving;  the  rest  is  banked.  Then 
when  the  baby  comes,  their  income  for  ordinary  use  remains  the  same, 
and  they  have  a  nest  egg  to  take  care  of  the  extra  expenses. 


Some  Hints  on  Insurance 

Insurance  is  like  marriage  —  no  family  should  be  without  it.  Yet  to 
most  people  it  is  somewhat  of  a  mystery.  They  may  believe  in  insur- 
ance. But  they  have  little  understanding  of  what  it  is,  when  they  should 
take  it  out,  how  much  and  what  kind  they  should  have,  and  with  whom 
they  should  take  it.  Let  us  first  consider  the  purpose  of  life  insurance. 
The  primary  purpose  of  life  insurance  is  the  protection  of  those  who 
are  financially  dependent  in  some  way  upon  the  insured.  We  usually 
think  of  dependents  as  wife  and  children.  The  "dependent"  may  also 
be  a  creditor  who  has  insured  the  life  of  a  debtor  so  that  in  case  of  sud- 
den death  he  can  get  his  money  back.  A  company  may  find  its  man- 
ager so  valuable  that  they  insure  his  life  for  a  huge  sum  to  protect  them- 
selves against  a  sudden  deprivation  of  his  direction.  In  any  case,  you 
do  not  take  out  life  insurance  because  you  need  it,  but  because  your 
dependents  (of  whatever  type)  need  it. 

When  Should  Life  Insurance  Be  Taken  Out?    When  you  have  depend- 
ents who  need  it,  and  not  before.    You  would  not  take  out  automobile 


228  WHAT    IT   MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

liability  insurance  before  you  have  a  car,  or  fire  insurance  on  your 
"Dream  Home"  not  yet  built.  Then  do  not  take  out  life  insurance  be- 
fore you  have  dependents,  except  in  the  case  of  G.I.  insurance.  This  is 
so  much  cheaper  than  ordinary  insurance  that  you  should  take  it  out 
while  you  can  still  get  it,  and  hang  on  to  it.  Otherwise,  wait  until  you 
have  dependents.  Don't  be  so  silly  as  to  think  that  if  you  take  it  out  at 
a  younger  age,  it  will  be  cheaper.  The  rate  will  be  lower,  but  you  will 
be  paying  for  more  years,  so  the  total  cost  will  be  greater.  No  insurance 
company  can  insure  you  for  extra  years,  even  the  younger  years,  without 
additional  cost. 

The  more  dependents  you  have,  the  more  insurance  protection  they 
need.  Here  we  face  a  problem.  As  a  man's  family  increases,  so  does 
their  need  for  insurance.  But  as  the  children  grow  up  and  become  in- 
dependent, this  need  will  decline.  How  can  a  family  get  high  protec- 
tion while  the  children  are  young,  without  saddling  itself  with  a  huge 
burden  which  will  later  be  unnecessary?  The  answer  is  simple.  Get 
the  kind  of  insurance  which  gives  you  the  greatest  protection  at  the 
least  cost,  and  automatically  terminates  when  you  no  longer  need  it. 
This  is  term  insurance.  With  some  companies  you  can  get  this  re- 
newed each  year  without  further  examination,  at  an  increasing  rate.  Or 
you  can  get  it  for  a  specific  period,  five,  ten,  or  twenty  years  for  the 
same  rate  each  year  the  policy  is  in  force. 

The  best  family  plan  would  be  for  the  husband  and  wife  to  each 
take  out  a  policy  to  protect  each  other,  the  husband  taking  out  the 
larger  amount.  They  should  expect  these  policies  to  continue  until 
death.  In  order  to  keep  the  payments  equal,  ordinary  life  seems  the 
best.  The  children,  however,  do  not  need  protection  until  the  death  of 
the  father  would  normally  occur.  They  need  protection  until  they  are 
old  enough  to  take  care  of  themselves.  Therefore  with  each  pregnancy 
the  father  would  take  out  another  twenty  year  term  policy  on  himself. 
For  the  same  money  he  can  give  his  children  twice  the  protection  he 
could  with  ordinary  life.  Furthermore,  when  this  protection  is  no  longer 
needed,  his  costs  will  decline. 

Should  we  insure  the  children  themselves?  If  they  have  dependents, 
yes.  If  not,  no.  If  you  want  to  build  up  a  fund  to  put  them  through 
college,  buy  government  bonds.  They  will  have  a  better  chance  to  go 
to  college  if  you  insure  yourself,  not  them. 


MONEY   MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  229 

How  Much  Insurance  Should  Be  Carried?  Statistics  show  that  many 
families  take  out  far  more  insurance  than  they  can  or  will  keep  up.4  On 
the  surface  the  lapse  and  surrender  rate  may  not  seem  excessive.  For 
ordinary  life  it  ranged  from  a  low  of  2.2  per  cent  in  1944  to  a  high  of 
11.9  per  cent  in  1932.  Industrial  insurance  rates  were  6.8  per  cent  in 
1944  to  27.9  per  cent  in  1932.  But  these  rates  are  for  all  policies  in 
force,  and  for  one  year  only.  We  can  get  a  truer  picture  if  we  compare 
the  amount  given  up  each  year  with  the  amount  bought  each  year. 
During  the  low  years,  people  gave  up  more  than  they  bought,  not  in- 
cluding normal  maturing.  In  the  best  year,  1944,  they  gave  up  a  third 
as  much  as  they  bought  of  the  ordinary  life,  and  more  than  half  as  much 
as  they  bought  of  the  industrial  policies.  One  study  made  in  New 
York  State  covering  ten  years  showed  that  over  half  of  all  ordinary  life 
policies  taken  out  were  given  up,  and  three  fourths  of  all  industrial  in- 
surance policies.  So  don't  let  an  agent  talk  you  into  overloading.  Bet- 
ter take  a  smaller  amount  and  hang  on  to  it.  How  much  you  should 
take  will  depend  largely  upon  such  considerations  as: 

1  The  size  of  the  family  and  the  ages  of  the  children. 

2  The  standard  of  living  which  the  protected  family  expects. 

3  What  the  wife  could  earn.    A  woman  who  is  a  permanent  invalid  needs 
more  protection  than  one  who  is  strong  and  healthy.    The  wife  who  has 
some  training  or  skill,  like  nursing,  stenography  or  a  license  to  teach,  needs 
less  protection  than  one  who  would  face  widowhood  without  abilities  or 
skills. 

4  Other  economic  resources.    In  time,  savings  or  the  gradual  accumulation 
of  property  may  lessen  the  need  for  insurance  protection.     Include  also 
any  forms  of  social  security,  governmental  or  private,  by  which  the  fam- 
ily is  protected. 

What  about  Insurance  as  an  Investment?  This  book  is  not  written  for 
wealthy  people  who  may  need  huge  policies  in  order  to  get  cash  with 
which  to  pay  heavy  inheritance  taxes.  For  the  ordinary  family,  the  in- 
vestments in  insurance  are  for  two  purposes:  to  "level  off"  payments 
and  to  invest  savings.  The  first  kind  is  seen  in  the  whole  life  policy. 
As  people  become  older,  their  insurance  costs  rise.  If  the  payments  are 

4  The  figures  here  quoted  were  compiled  mainly  from  the  Life  Insurance  Fact 
Book  (1951),  published  by  the  Institute  of  Life  Insurance,  60  East  4oth  Street,  New 
York  City. 


230  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

to  remain  the  same  throughout  life,  the  company  must  "overcharge'7 
people  while  they  are  young,  so  that  they  can  "undercharge"  them 
when  they  become  old.  The  excess  paid  in  the  early  years  is  saved  by 
the  insurance  company  and  appears  as  the  loan  or  cash  surrender  value 
of  the  policy.  The  interest  on  this  saving  is  used  to  help  pay  the  total 
costs  of  the  policy.  On  the  average  the  savings  will  be  enough  to  pay 
off  the  entire  policy  by  the  time  of  death.  This  investment  is  actually 
a  type  of  convenience  to  the  policy  holder,  making  it  possible  for  him 
to  meet  the  payments  of  later  years  without  payments  being  prohibi- 
tively high. 

Savings  may  be  invested  through  the  endowment  policy.  This  is 
really  a  form  of  term  insurance  at  about  four  times  the  cost.  The  ex- 
cess is  saved  and  invested  by  the  company.  If  the  person  outlives  the 
term  of  the  policy  its  face  value  (say,  $1000)  is  returned  in  a  lump  sum. 
But  if  he  dies  before  the  policy  expires  his  beneficiaries  get  only  the 
same  amount  they  would  have  received  from  a  term  policy.  The  com- 
pany keeps  the  excess.  If  he  had  bought  a  term  policy  and  saved  the 
difference  in  cost,  in  case  of  prior  death  the  beneficiaries  would  have 
received  the  thousand  plus  all  the  additional  savings.  These  could 
amount  to  over  $900.  Endowment  insurance  is  a  "tails  I  lose"  "heads 
I  break  even"  proposition;  not  an  intelligent  proposition,  even  if  you 
will  probably  live.  It  has  one  defense.  Some  people  seem  unable  to 
save  anything,  even  when  their  earnings  are  high.  If  they  have  to  make 
payments  on  an  endowment  policy  they  may  end  up  with  savings  which 
otherwise  they  would  have  squandered. 

Apart  from  such  compulsory  saving,  there  are  at  least  two  possibili- 
ties for  investment  for  the  ordinary  individual  which  are  better  than 
insurance.  Government  bonds  are  both  more  secure  and  more  fluid. 
And  if  you  want  to  guard  against  inflation,  there  are  sound  investment 
companies  which  will  invest  your  money  with  as  much  care  and  skill  as 
an  insurance  company. 

Finally,  remember  that  insurance  agents  are  human  beings.  Most 
of  them  are  not  dishonest;  neither  are  they  saints.  Their  incomes  de- 
pend upon  the  amount  of  insurance  they  sell.  Don't  expect  them  to 
recommend  policies  of  other  companies,  even  if  they  are  cheaper  and 
better  for  your  needs.  Expect  of  them  what  you  would  of  any  sales- 
men; that  they  will  do  their  best  to  sell  their  products.  When  they  sell 
protection  they  are  often  rendering  a  valuable  service.  When  they  try 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  231 

to  sell  their  banking  and  investment  services,  their  efforts  are  more 
questionable. 

What  Type  of  Policy  is  Best?  For  those  who  can  get  it,  G.I.  insurance 
is  the  best  insurance  available.  But  most  people  will  have  to  buy 
through  regular  companies.  Some  of  these  are  ingenious  at  developing 
all  kinds  of  "special"  policies.  But  if  you  understand  a  few  basic  prin- 
ciples, you  can  easily  reduce  them  to  a  few  major  types.  For  example, 
one  policy  provides  for  low  payments  during  the  first  five  years  (when 
your  earnings  are  presumably  low)  and  substantial  increase  after  that. 
This  is  likely  to  be  a  term  policy  which  automatically  becomes  con- 
verted to  whole  life  after  five  years. 

Industrial  insurance  is  not  really  a  different  kind  of  insurance,  but 
rather  a  way  of  paying  for  insurance.  Instead  of  making  monthly  or 
annual  payments,  you  pay  a  collector  who  stops  in  each  week  to  collect. 
Because  of  the  costs  of  such  collection,  this  is  the  most  expensive  type 
of  insurance  and  should  be  avoided.  Likewise,  the  limited  payment 
policy  is  not  a  different  kind  of  insurance,  but  merely  a  way  of  paying 
for  whole-life  insurance  more  rapidly,  so  that  at  the  end  of  a  specified 
period  the  interest  on  your  reserve  takes  care  of  all  future  insurance 
costs,  and  you  need  pay  no  more  in  yourself.  Group  insurance  is  cheap, 
and  valuable  for  those  who,  because  of  physical  disabilities,  cannot  get 
any  other  kind.  A  group,  such  as  the  employees  of  a  certain  company, 
are  insured  as  a  whole.  When  you  leave  the  employ  of  the  company, 
your  protection  automatically  ceases.  In  other  words,  it  is  term  insur- 
ance, the  term  being  the  length  of  time  you  remain  with  the  same 
firm. 

We  have  suggested  that  insurance  be  used  for  protection  only,  and 
not  for  investment.  There  is  one  exception,  the  annuity  policy.  This 
is  a  type  of  social  security  operated  by  the  insurance  company  instead 
of  the  government.  If  your  retirement  pension  is  not  already  adequately 
provided  for,  and  you  wish  to  be  assured  of  an  income  for  your  old  age, 
the  annuity  policies  of  insurance  companies  should  be  given  serious 
consideration.  The  plan  is  for  you  to  pay  a  certain  amount  each  year 
into  the  fund.  When  you  reach  the  retirement  age  as  stated  on  the 
policy,  the  company  either  pays  you  a  flat  sum  or  a  stipulated  income 
for  the  rest  of  your  life.  If  you  die  before  the  policy  becomes  due,  the 
amount  already  accumulated  is  paid  to  your  estate. 


232  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

With  Whom  Should  You  Take  Your  Insurance?  Some  unscrupulous  or 
uninformed  people  may  try  to  tell  you  that  in  insurance  you  get  just 
what  you  pay  for,  and  that  therefore  it  makes  no  difference  with  which 
company  you  take  out  your  policy.  This  is  simply  not  true.  A  com- 
parison of  ten  large  companies  showed  that  the  annual  net  cost  per 
$1000  of  ordinary  life  taken  out  at  the  age  of  eighteen  varied  from  $4.90 
to  $7.50.  Over  a  period  of  years  such  differences  may  amount  to  many 
hundreds  of  dollars,  depending  upon  the  amount  of  insurance  taken  out 
and  the  type  of  policy.  In  some  states,  including  New  York,  savings 
banks  sell  certain  types  of  policies  at  a  cost  much  below  the  usual  rate. 
Teachers  and  similar  groups  can  often  secure  insurance  from  companies 
specially  organized  to  serve  them.  All  such  possibilities  should  be  care- 
fully considered.  Those  who  plan  to  take  out  any  large  amount  of  in- 
surance might  save  considerably  by  going  to  an  insurance  advisory  serv- 
ice (which  has  no  insurance  to  sell)  and  paying  a  fee  for  competent 
guidance  and  advice. 

Life  insurance  for  most  people  is  one  of  the  most  important  and 
least  understood  expenditures  a  family  makes.  A  well-rounded  program 
of  protection  will,  however,  include  such  other  types  as  health  and  acci- 
dent insurance,  whether  or  not  there  are  dependents.  Every  family 
should  have  hospitalization  insurance  to  cover  every  member,  including 
the  children.  If  a  policy  which  also  includes  medical  care  is  available, 
so  much  the  better.  Anyone  who  owns  property  which  might  burn, 
such  as  a  house  or  furnishings  in  a  home,  should  have  adequate  fire  in- 
surance protection.  A  car  owner  should  have  liability  insurance,  and 
probably  fire  and  theft  insurance.  Since  for  these  forms  of  insurance 
also  the  costs  of  reliable  companies  vary  extensively,  careful  investiga- 
tions should  be  made.  The  policies  of  mail-order  houses  and  coopera- 
tives often  offer  especially  attractive  buys. 


Fitting  Money  Matters  into  the  Total  Picture 

To  the  unmarried,  sex  may  seem  to  be  the  really  important  factor  in 
marriage.  To  those  who  have  been  married  for  some  time  and  face  a 
monthly  array  of  bills,  money  may  appear  to  be  the  really  crucial  issue. 
Actually  the  real  significance  of  any  individual  factor  like  money  is  its 
relationship  to  the  total  picture.  Money  matters  are  related  to  all 
aspects  of  family  life  —  they  affect  family  life  and  it  affects  them. 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE 


233 


i 


"I  told  Charlie  we'd  have  a  perfect  marriage 
if  we  never  mention  money/7 


Obviously,  any  home  worry  affects  the  way  a  man  does  his  job.  If 
he  leaves  his  home  angry  and  resentful,  his  attitude  will  almost  inevi- 
tably be  reflected  in  his  relations  with  his  coworkers,  the  customers,  or 
the  boss.  The  man  whose  home  is  breaking  up,  or  who  fears  that  it  may 
break  up,  cannot  keep  his  mind  on  his  work  to  the  best  advantage,  all 
of  which  will  ultimately  affect  his  chances  of  promotion  or  even  of  keep- 
ing the  job  he  has.  On  the  other  hand,  a  sense  of  happiness  and  se- 
curity at  home  may  considerably  augment  his  earning  power.  It  may 
well  give  him  a  goal  for  effort.  He  wants  to  show  the  little  woman  that 
when  she  married  him  she  made  no  mistake.  A  new  baby  may  call 
forth  not  only  cigars  but  additional  exertion.  If  at  home  he  has  found 
happiness  and  support,  if  his  home  experiences  build  him  up  psychologi- 
cally, he  actually  is  a  better  man  and  can  earn  more. 

The  effect  of  income  on  marital  success  is  more  involved  than  the 
effect  of  happiness  on  income.  Certainly  extreme  destitution  is  poor 


234  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

soil  in  which  to  grow  the  fragrant  flowers  of  marital  happiness.  The 
home  of  the  simple  Scotch  peasant  which  Burns  depicts  in  his  "Cotter's 
Saturday  Night"  is  stable,  but  one  would  hardly  describe  it  as  happy. 
The  moral  of  the  story,  however,  is  sound:  the  most  important  consid- 
eration is  not  the  amount  of  income,  but  the  family  attitude  toward  the 
total  situation.  This  attitude  is  affected  profoundly  by  two  considera- 
tions: the  security  of  the  income,  and  the  social  standards  by  which  it 
is  measured.  The  cotter  did  not  have  much,  but  he  was  relatively  se- 
cure in  what  he  had.  No  world-wide  economic  forces  threatened  to 
move  his  economic  earth,  or  cast  the  mountains  of  his  livelihood  into 
the  midst  of  the  sea  of  depression.  Come  what  might,  pestilence  or 
famine,  he  would  always  have  a  job,  an  opportunity  of  directing  his 
efforts  in  productive  channels.  He  would  never  have  to  tramp  the 
streets,  day  after  day,  looking  for  work  which  was  not  to  be  found,  nor 
would  he  have  to  mope  around  the  house  or  the  tavern  in  hopeless  de- 
spair. Furthermore,  his  standard  of  living,  while  low,  was  not  lower 
than  that  of  his  neighbors,  save  that  of  the  Laird,  to  which  he  did  not 
even  aspire. 

Studies  show  that  stability  of  income  is  far  more  important  than 
amount  of  income.  People  need  enough  money  to  provide  for  basic 
physical  necessities,  but  they  can  get  along  on  very  little  provided  they 
can  be  reasonably  sure  of  that  little.  When  they  are  never  sure  what 
they  can  depend  upon  from  one  year  to  the  next,  their  morale  is  under- 
mined, and  their  economic  insecurity  is  reflected  in  greater  marital  un- 
happiness  and  conflict. 

Another  factor  is  personal  and  social  expectation.  A  family  with  a 
$6000  income  which  insists  on  associating  with  a  $12,000  income  crowd 
will  always  feel  poor  and  pinched.  The  wife  may  feel  that  she  should 
have  married  better  and  the  husband  that  he  has  failed.  This  situation 
may  easily  give  rise  to  serious  marital  conflict.  If,  on  the  other  hand, 
they  are  members  of  a  $3000  crowd,  the  situation  may  be  the  reverse. 

Money  matters,  then,  can  and  do  affect  marriage  profoundly.  Their 
effects,  however,  depend  primarily  upon  the  intelligence  with  which 
they  are  understood  and  handled.  No  matter  how  large  the  income, 
money  problems  can  become  pegs  upon  which  other  difficulties  and  con- 
flicts are  hung  and  carefully  preserved.  On  the  other  hand,  a  wise  and 
ethical  adjustment  in  other  matters  will  reflect  itself  in  greater  money 


MONEY    MATTERS    IN    MARRIAGE  235 

income  and  security,  and  sound  financial  relationships  can  make  even 
small  incomes  strong  enough  to  bear  the  load. 

Selected  Readings 

BIGELOW,  HOWARD  F.,  Family  Finance  (Philadelphia:  Lippincott,  revised, 

1953)- 

BONDE,  RUTH,  Management  in  Daily  Living  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1944), 

Chap.  7. 

CAMPBELL,  P.  c.,  Consumer  Interest  (New  York:  Harper,  1949). 

CANOYER,  H.  G.,  AND  VAILE,  R.  s.,  Economics  of  Income  and  Consumption 
(New  York:  Ronald  Press,  1951). 

FOSTER,  LEBARON,  Credit  for  Consumers  (New  York:  Public  Affairs  Com- 
mittee, 1945),  Pamphlet  #5,  revised  edition. 

HIMES,  NORMAN  E.,  Your  Marriage:  A  Guide  to  Happiness  (New  York: 
Farrar  and  Rinehart,  1940),  chaps.  12-18. 

How  Families  Use  Their  Incomes,  U.S.  Department  of  Agriculture,  Publica- 
tion No.  653,  1948. 

JORDAN,  DAVID  F.,  AND  wiLLETT,  EDWARD  F.,  Managing  Personal  Finances 
(New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  revised,  1945),  chaps,  i,  2,  6. 

MCFADDEN,  FRANCES,  "I  Can't  Afford  My  Wife's  Job,"  Harpers  Magazine, 
September,  1952,  pp.  62-65. 

NICKELL,  PAULENA,  AND  DORSET,  JEAN  M.,  Management  in  Family  Living 
(New  York:  Wiley,  revised,  1950),  chaps.  15-20. 

RADELL,  NINA  H.,  Financial  Planning  for  the  Individual  and  Family  (New 
York:  Crofts,  1947). 

REID,  MARGARET  s.,  Consumers  in  the  Market  (New  York:  Crofts,  revised, 
1942). 

TAYLOR,  JAY,  "Going  Broke  on  $10,000  a  Year,"  Harpers  Magazine,  July, 
1952,  pp.  60-65. 

Consumers  Services 

CONSUMER'S  RESEARCH,  Washington,  New  Jersey. 

CONSUMERS  UNION,  38  East  ist  Street,  New  York  City  3. 

HOUSEHOLD  FINANCE  CORPORATION,  919  N.  Michigan  Avenue,  Chicago,  Illi- 
nois. Better  Buymanship  pamphlets  on  specific  products,  and  other  in- 
expensive pamphlet  material  for  consumers. 


CHAPTER  TWELVE 


Reproduced  by  permission  of  L.  A.  Gntsr.h. 
from  the  Saturday  Evening  Post,  May  3,  1952 


COMMON   CONFLICTS   IN   MARRIAGE 

Is  it  true  that  the  way  to  hold  marriage  together  is  to  bear  and  forbear? 

Shouldn't  the  course  of  true  love  run  smooth? 

Can  fighting  be  fun? 

How  can  unpleasant  fighting  be  stopped? 
What  kind  of  help  is  there  for  the  discordant? 


M- 

X/ /    AD   ROMEO  AND   JULIET  LIVED  TOGETHER  LONG  ENOUGH,   THEY 

probably  would  have  had  their  disagreements  like  everyone  else.  When- 
ever two  individuals  undertake  a  close  and  continuous  association,  inevi- 
table occasions  arise  when  there  is  a  clash  of  wills.  The  closer  the  asso- 
ciation and  the  freer  the  personalities,  the  more  vigorous  this  clash  may 
be.  Since  marriage  is  the  most  intimate  and  the  most  demanding  of  all 
adult  human  relationships,  this  element  of  conflict  is  an  inescapable  part 
of  its  nature. 

Conflict  is  Normal 

Two  tasks  that  are  productive  of  conflict  face  the  newly-wed.  The  first 
is  concerned  with  establishing  a  common  set  of  workable  routines,  a 
mutually  acceptable  way  of  living,  and  a  new  set  of  family  policies  out 
of  the  two  systems  carried  over  from  the  parental  families  of  the  be- 
trothed. The  second  task  involves  two  egos  struggling  for  individual 
survival  as  the  marriage  moves  to  bring  about  incorporation  of  both  in 
a  common  joint  personality.  Conflict  serves  a  useful  function  in  setting 
the  optimum  distance  and  nearness  personalities  can  take  in  a  new  mar- 


238  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

riage.  Much  of  the  "fussing"  at  one  another  which  occurs  in  the  first 
years  reflects  these  two  processes  of  accommodation  of  ways  of  living  and 
a  healthy  resistance  to  self-destruction. 

Every  marital  union  is,  to  a  certain  degree,  a  mixed  marriage.  The 
two  parties  bring  from  their  parental  families  different  wants  and  vari- 
ant ideas  of  what's  funny  and  what's  important.  Every  time  a  decision 
is  reached  in  a  young  marriage,  some  of  these  differences  are  likely  to 
come  to  light.  Only  by  grinding  the  gears  a  bit  at  the  start  is  it  possible 
to  learn  how  to  mesh  them  correctly.  Consensus  of  opinion  can  only 
follow  exchange  of  differing  views. 

Susan  and  Jim  are  a  couple  whose  conflicts  should  have  occurred 
early  in  marriage  rather  than  late  for  the  good  health  of  the  relation- 
ship. They  were  seventeen  and  nineteen  respectively  when  they  mar- 
ried, just  out  of  high  school.  Susan  was  especially  eager  to  make  the 
marriage  a  success. 

Jim  and  his  four  brothers  had  been  reared  by  his  widowed  father 
without  experience  in  the  needs  and  wants  of  women  in  a  family.  He 
was  never  exposed  to  the  orderliness,  neatness,  and  regularity  of  house- 
keeping procedures  so  prized  by  the  good  housewife.  He  professed  ig- 
norance of  the  costs  of  permanents,  sheer  stockings,  and  household  arti- 
cles. To  complicate  matters  even  more,  Jim  had  been  reared  to  feel  that 
the  man  should  be  the  head  of  the  house  and  control  the  purse  strings. 

Susan  appears  to  have  overlooked  these  differences  between  them 
during  the  engagement,  and  early  marriage  found  her  ill  prepared  to 
cope  with  the  situation.  Instead  of  forthrightly  battling  out  the  issues 
when  Jim  came  late  for  meals  or  sometimes  didn't  eat  at  all,  as  had  been 
his  pattern  in  parental  home,  Susan  adapted  herself  to  her  husband's 
unorthodox  behavior.  After  the  children  arrived,  it  became  increasingly 
difficult  to  manage  financially  with  what  Jim  gave  her. 

Susan  made  no  moves  to  battle  for  joint  handling  of  the  family 
finances.  She  held  back  the  angry  words  with  the  intention  of  preserv- 
ing harmony.  Tensions  built  up  in  the  financial  area  and,  as  so  often 
happens,  spilled  over  into  the  recreational  area,  and  finally  affected  their 
sexual  relations  which  heretofore  had  been  mutually  enjoyable. 

Jim  now  admits  to  Susan's  pastor,  to  whom  she  has  appealed  for 
help,  that  his  marriage  has  gone  sour.  Yet  he  is  baffled  by  it  all:  they 
have  had  only  one  or  two  serious  squabbles  after  six  years  of  marriage. 

Six  years  is  too  long  to  go  without  a  quarrel.    There  were  basic  dif- 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  239 

ferences  here  that  begged  attention  before  settling  down  to  the  rou- 
tines of  living.  A  good  fight  might  have  cleared  the  air,  defined  the  is- 
sues, and  ventilated  the  house  of  some  of  the  unresolved  tensions  before 
they  cracked  the  relationship.  Conflict  has  a  dual  function:  the  solu- 
tion of  issues  and  the  release  of  the  resentment  and  tensions  which  arise 
in  every  relationship. 


Withholding  Circumscribes  the  Relationship 

Consistently  repressed  tensions  are  hard  on  the  relationship.  They 
tend  to  circumscribe  and  narrow  the  topics  of  conversation  in  a  mar- 
riage, and  to  delimit  the  areas  of  activity  together.  In  the  case  of  Jim 
and  Susan,  family  entertainment,  family  finances,  and  sex  relationships 
were  rarely  discussed  because  of  the  strain  both  felt  when  these  matters 
came  up.  Tensions  disturb  the  normal  functioning  of  the  family  be- 
cause they  accumulate  and  spread  and  become  associated  with  other 
areas  of  living. 

The  second  area  of  married  life  in  which  conflict  serves  a  useful  pur- 
pose is  in  setting  the  boundaries  of  ego  protection  and  ego  involvement. 
There  is  a  marked  tendency  in  the  ecstasy  of  the  honeymoon  and  early 
months  of  marriage  to  establish  a  closeness  of  association  which  be- 
comes burdensome,  especially  when  erotic  discoveries  have  ceased  to 
suffuse  the  relationship  with  pleasure.  Quarrels  destroy  these  burden- 
some patterns  and  bring  into  being  more  tolerable  customs.  Where 
the  early  intimacy  of  marriage  is  not  relaxed,  it  produces  strain  upon 
both  and  it  rewards  neither  correspondingly  —  it  is  a  sort  of  tax  which 
makes  everyone  poor  and  enriches  no  one  proportionately  —  and  the 
conflicts  which  redefine  this  situation  are  therefore  highly  useful. 

Married  couples  seek  by  experience  to  find  the  optimum  nearness 
that  they  can  tolerate.  Like  porcupines  who  approach  one  another  for 
warmth  yet  are  repelled  by  the  other's  barbs,  the  married  couple  must 
achieve  that  distance  which  is  optimum  for  warmth  without  being  too 
ego  involving.  Clearly  this  can  be  achieved  only  through  conflict  of  a 
sort.  Ultimately  the  couple  must  feel  for  themselves  the  reality  of  each 
other's  emotional  resistances  and  take  the  measure  of  each  other's  ca- 
pacity for  mutual  accommodation. 

Sometimes  restrained  discussion  is  advocated  as  a  better  alternative 
to  quarreling.  But  the  danger  is  that  cold  discussion  arrives  only  at 


240 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 


"That's  all  I  have  to  say  on  the  subject,  my  dear. 
The  argument  is  closed/7 

Reproduced  by  special  permission  of  the  Saturday  Evening  Post, 
copyright  1943  by  the  Curtis  Publishing  Company.    Bob  Gallivan 

an  intellectual  solution  which  fails  to  do  justice  to  the  emotional  ele- 
ments in  the  conflict.  If  research  and  clinical  evidence  are  valid,  it  is 
best  that  these  emotional  elements  be  expressed.  Marriage  partners 
can  come  to  terms  on  a  basis  of  reality  only  when  they  have  felt  the  heat 
of  each  other's  hostile  feelings.  A  marriage  should  be  organized  to  in- 
clude the  expression  of  both  positive  and  negative  emotions  if  it  is  to 
be  a  communicating  and  satisfying  relationship. 


Changing  Feelings  about  Marital  Conflict 

In  Chapter  Twenty,  "Marriage  Isn't  What  It  Used  to  Be,"  you  will  find 
discussed  the  liberation  of  the  wife  and  child  from  the  traditions  of  the 
patriarchal  family  and  the  transformation  of  the  father  from  a  dominat- 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  241 

ing  figure  to  a  companionable  partner  in  family  life.  Many  of  these  re- 
markable changes  have  occurred  in  the  past  generation,  but  most  peo- 
ple are  not  sufficiently  out  of  the  woods  of  transition  with  respect  to 
freedom  of  discussion  to  accept  discord  and  disharmony  in  marriage  as 
evidence  of  growth.  As  participants  in  the  transition  we  are  uncertain 
about  the  desirability  of  quarreling,  and  many  of  us  will  feel  conscience- 
stricken  after  "indulging,"  as  we  call  it,  in  a  marital  spat.  Let's  draw 
the  lines  clearly  between  the  two  schools  of  thought  and  see  the  direc- 
tion in  which  we  seem  to  be  heading. 

First,  let  us  look  at  the  school  of  marriage  whose  traditions  linger 
with  us  yet,  the  patriarchal  system  of  thought  which  flowered  in  Puri- 
tan New  England.  Out  of  this  period  came  our  hundreds  of  maxims 
glorifying  marital  bliss,  family  harmony  at  all  costs,  and  so  on.  It  was 
an  adult-centered  world,  in  which  children  were  to  be  seen  and  not 
heard,  where  the  wife  and  mother  was  passive,  patient,  benign,  and  long- 
suffering.  Peace  and  quiet  in  the  home  were  evidence  of  the  power  and 
absolute  authority  of  the  father.  Quarreling  of  any  variety  was  evidence, 
on  the  other  hand,  of  the  breakdown  of  patriarchal  authority  and  was 
to  be  quelled  without  delay.  Writers  and  public  speakers  of  the  period 
supported  the  father  in  his  position  by  repeating  platitudes  for  the  edi- 
fication of  children  and  their  mothers.  We  use  some  of  them  today: 
"Forgive  and  forget,"  "Bear  and  forbear,"  "Let  bygones  be  bygones," 
"Speak  when  spoken  to,"  "God  bless  our  happy  home,"  "Home,  sweet 
home,"  "Turn  the  other  cheek,"  "A  soft  answer  turneth  away  wrath." 

The  harmony  of  the  patriarchal  household  was  purchased  at  a  high 
price  in  frustration  and  dulled  sensibilities.  Actually  there  existed  much 
of  what  might  be  called  covert  conflict,  deep  resentment  at  the  high- 
handedness of  the  authority  which  enforced  harmony  at  such  cost.  It 
is  probably  safe  to  say  that  there  has  been  less  increase  in  marital  con- 
flict since  Puritan  days  than  one  would  suppose.  The  conflict  has 
merely  changed  from  covert,  undercover  resentment  and  discord  to  open 
conflict.  Families  in  those  days  couldn't  afford  to  waste  their  energies, 
they  thought,  fighting  among  themselves,  and  they  attempted  to  bury  the 
differences  which  cropped  up  within  the  family  rather  than  air  and  set- 
tle them  once  and  for  all.  It  was  important  to  preserve  front  both 
within  the  family  and  without.  Indeed  it  was  a  matter  of  family  pride 
and  a  mark  of  class  to  preserve  harmony  in  the  home. 

We  are  burdened  today  with  the  vestiges  of  the  self-righteous,  sweet- 


242  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

ness-and-light  mode  of  thinking.  The  hundreds  of  couples  who  come  to 
marital  guidance  clinics  regularly  to  gain  relief  from  guilty  feelings  of 
unworthiness  because  they  quarrel  at  home  are  living  proof  of  this  as- 
sertion. Moreover,  the  emergence  of  a  democratic,  person-centered 
family  with  its  accent  on  the  sacredness  of  personality  has  not  cleared 
away  the  debris  of  broken  patriarchal  traditions.  It  will  take  a  little 
time.  Meantime,  children  in  democratic  homes  will  be  given  assurance 
that  quarreling  is  not  something  to  fear  or  condemn,  but  something  to 
understand.  Some  of  the  guilt  and  unworthiness  may  be  made  to  dis- 
appear with  our  generation! 


The  Mental  Hygiene  of  Conflict 

Mental  hygiene,  which  was  ushered  in  with  the  democratic,  personality- 
oriented  family,  accepts  a  certain  amount  of  overt  conflict  as  normal. 
Much  of  the  conflict  merely  indicates  the  presence  of  differences  which 
occur  as  a  couple  explore  new  areas  or  attempt  new  tasks.  Gradually 
the  friction  wears  the  protruding  parts  smooth,  and  a  consensus  is 
reached.  Thereafter  conflict  is  less  likely  to  occur  in  that  specific  area, 
but  it  may  and  should  bob  up  again  and  again  as  long  as  the  family  con- 
tinues to  meet  new  and  different  problems. 

The  modern  couple  will  expect  that  in  marriage  they  have  a  place 
of  security  and  intimacy  where  they  are  free  to  behave  like  human  be- 
ings with  the  normal  variety  of  emotions.  The  workaday  world,  organ- 
ized as  it  is,  does  not  permit  the  frank  expression  of  resentment,  vanity, 
jealousy,  and  selfish  ambition  along  with  tenderness  and  love,  all  of 
which  exist  in  the  normal  person.  The  individual  must  control  his  an- 
noyances and  his  affections,  he  must  often  act  like  something  &§&  .than 
human  to  get  along  in  our  complex  industrial  society.  If  he  flies  off  the 
handle  at  his  boss  he  may  lose  his  job.  There  needs  to  be  some  place, 
however,  where  the  individual  can  give  vent  to  his  annoyances  and  be 
himself,  and  that  place  seems  to  be  in  marriage.  If  there  is  that  kind  of 
cantankerousness  in  a  marriage,  the  couple  should  chalk  it  down  as 
proof  that  their  marriage  is  performing  one  of  its  main  functions  —  pro- 
viding a  place  to  let  off  steam  and  re-establish  emotional  balance.  If  a 
marriage  is  so  fragile  that  it  must  be  maintained  by  the  same  kind  of 
artificial  manners  that  keeps  an  office  force  functioning,  it  is  pretty  pre- 
cariously based.  One  insightful  authority  has  stated  in  positive  terms, 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  243 

"One  of  the  functions  of  marriage  is  to  weave  a  rope  of  relationship 
strong  enough  to  hold  each  person  at  his  worst." 

As  a  couple  enter  marriage  they  face  a  number  of  adjustments,  some 
of  which  are  painful  in  the  sense  that  it  is  painful  to  learn  to  ride  a 
horse,  to  play  a  piano,  or  to  develop  any  other  complex  skill.  But  new 
adjustments  of  marriage  are  more  than  learning  new  tasks:  they  also  in- 
volve unlearning  and  revising  old  habits. 

Many  of  the  quarrels  in  marriage  are  helpful  devices  to  dispel  ten- 
sions engendered  by  unlearning  of  old  habits  and  learning  of  new  ones. 
Some  arise  out  of  the  frustrations  which  the  discipline  of  marriage  ex- 
acts, and  others  arise  quite  naturally  out  of  the  unprepared-for  intima- 
cies of  marriage.  Much  of  conflict  merely  reflects  the  growing  edges  of 
a  new  relationship.  It  denotes  growth  and  change  rather  than  a  passive 
acceptance  of  the  new  tasks  on  the  part  of  either  party.  In  the  early 
stages  much  of  the  conflict  consists  of  defining  the  issues  and  finding 
where  the  other  stands  on  the  many  new  problems  they  are  facing. 


Productive  and  Destructive  Quarreling 

Having  taken  the  position  that  much  of  the  conflict  in  marriage  is  nor- 
mal and  desirable,  we  must  still  distinguish  between  productive  and  de- 
structive conflict.  Destructive  quarrels,  to  take  one  form  of  destructive 
conflict,  are  those  which  leave  fewer  assets  in  the  relationship  than  it 
had  before.  Destructive  quarreling  is  directed  at  the  person  and  suc- 
ceeds in  destroying  the  illusions  and  fictions  by  which  the  person  lives. 
It  is  a  type  of  conflict  which  concentrates  on  the  other's  ego.  It  is  of 
the  belittling  and  punishing  variety.  Destructive  quarrels  lead  to  alien- 
ation as  the  love  object  is  transformed  into  a  hate  object,  and  separa- 
tion is  thereby  made  possible.  Destructive  quarrels  have  at  least  one 
value.  They  succeed  in  sufficiently  alienating  incompatible  couples  so 
that  engagements  are  broken,  or  if  marriage  has  occurred,  so  that  early 
divorce  follows. 

Productive  quarrels  may  be  differentiated  by  the  fact  that  the  mar- 
riage is  made  stronger  through  a  redefinition  of  the  situation  causing  the 
conflict.  Productive  quarreling  is  limited  and  directed  at  an  issue,  and 
it  leads  to  a  new  and  more  complete  understanding.  Issues,  problems, 
and  conditions  rather  than  the  person  himself  tend  to  be  the  object  of 
productive  quarrels.  Ideally,  the  quarrels  tend  to  become  fewer  and  less 


244  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

violent  as  the  marriage  progresses  and  basic  routines  and  solutions  to 
problems  are  established.  The  quarrel  tends  to  become  a  discussion 
progressively  delimited  in  the  areas  it  covers.1  Gradually  the  couple 
learn  the  techniques  for  handling  conflict,  so  that  for  problem  solving 
purposes  at  least  it  is  not  so  violent  nor  so  painful. 

Another  type  of  productive  quarrel  of  the  early  years  of  marriage  is 
that  which  relaxes  the  strain  which  builds  up  out  of  the  unprepared-for 
intimacies  of  marriage.  It  gives  the  couple  an  opportunity  and  an  ex- 
cuse to  desist  from  the  intense  honeymoon  attachments  and  get  a  breath 
of  air.  Quarrels  in  the  honeymoon  and  first  year,  moreover,  serve  to 
bring  the  parties  face  to  face  with  the  realities  of  their  marriage.  Some 
conflict  helps  to  remove  the  blinders  from  their  eyes  and  enables  them 
to  appreciate  one  another  as  persons  rather  than  as  imaginary  incarna- 
tions of  perfection.  The  reaction,  "But  you  seemed  so  different,  so 
much  taller  and  romantic,  when  we  were  engaged  .  .  .  ,"  may  bring 
pain  of  disillusionment  but  is  a  healthy  experience.  If  romantic  illu- 
sions have  been  built  up  it  is  a  productive  quarrel  which  brings  the 
newlyweds  down  to  earth.  A  husband  can't  live  long  in  a  rosy  haze  with 
an  imaginary  wife  and  remain  mentally  healthy. 

One  of  the  benefits  of  productive  quarrels  is  that  they  reveal  to  the 
married  couple  how  strong  their  relationship  really  is.  Some  men  and 
women,  deluded  by  the  romantic  notion  that  love  must  have  left  when 
monotony  comes  in,  are  surprised  at  the  force  of  the  love  emotions 
which  arise  as  a  result  of  a  quarrel.  Quarreling  thus  helps  to  stabilize 
the  marriage  by  reminding  the  couple,  as  they  kiss  and  make  up,  of  the 
depth  of  their  love. 


Dynamics  of  Conflict 

What  are  the  alternatives  open  to  the  couple  who  find  themselves  be- 
coming panicky  because  of  the  frequency  of  their  blow-ups?  The  more 
severe  and  deep-seated  conflicts  will  require  the  attention  of  a  compe- 
tent psychiatrist.  Quarreling  which  has  departed  from  issues  to  con- 
centrate on  the  person,  which  we  have  termed  destructive  conflict,  be- 
comes progressively  severe  after  a  few  brutal  truth  sessions,  and  may  be 
halted  only  by  recourse  to  a  highly  skilled  third  party.  Marital  guid- 

1  Willard  Waller  and  Reuben  Hill,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpretation 
(New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  p.  310. 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE 


241 


ance  clinics  accept  just  such  cases,  helping  the  couple  accomplish,  with 
the  aid  of  the  consultant,  that  which  unaided  they  are  unable  to  do  for 
themselves. 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Which  of  the  following  excerpts  from  quarrels  suggest  destruc- 

tive and  which  productive  quarreling? 


Destructive 


Productive 


1  "You  aren't  fit  to  be  a  mother,  leaving  the  baby  all 
week  with  strangers." 

2  "Why  didn't  someone  tell  me  marriage  would  be  like 
this,  cooking  and  ironing  and  scrubbing  all  day?" 

3  "You  will  never  amount  to  anything  and  neither  will 
we  as  long  as  we  depend  on  you  to  support  us,  you 
loafer." 

4  "This  is  the  last  time  I'm  waiting  for  you  for  supper; 
after  this  you'll  get  your  own  or  come  on  time." 

5  "You  aren't  the  man  I  married.    What  did  I  ever  see 
in  you?    Oh,  I  could  just  die.  .  .  ." 

6  "You  sit  home  all  day  reading  or  go  out  to  some  catty 
dames'  bridge  club  and  leave  the  house  like  a  pig  pen." 

7  "Get  a  cookbook,  sister,  get  a  book  and  start  studying. 
This  is  the  last  lousy  meal  I'm  eating  here,  under- 
stand?" 

8  "Darling,  you  must  put  on  your  rubbers.    You  aren't  so 
young  as  you  were." 


*  KEY     L  '9  >  'Z 


9  'S  't  'I 


Fortunately,  not  too  many  couples  are  burdened  with  conflicts  which 
get  so  far  out  of  hand.  So  much  of  conflict  is  normal  and  a  part  of 
living  that  it  need  not  be  the  occasion  for  panic.  The  informed  couple 
learn  to  recognize  the  source  of  their  differences  early  and  to  relay  to 
one  another  the  message  that  excitement  is  brewing,  without  spoiling 
the  fun  by  appearing  too  much  in  control  of  the  situation.  Let's  look 
at  the  process  a  bit  more  in  detail. 

Most  conflict  situations  find  one  party  the  aggressor  and  one  the  de- 
fendant. Married  people  need  to  know  how  to  play  both  roles  well  to 
get  the  most  out  of  the  quarrel.  They  may  have  to  change  roles  right 
in  the  middle  to  keep  things  moving  to  a  satisfying  climax  in  which 


246  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

tensions  are  fully  released.  There  is  sometimes  what  appears  to  be  a 
bit  of  perverse  interdependence,  the  aggressor  needing  the  defendant, 
and  after  a  while  the  defendant  needing  the  aggressor,  to  carry  the  fight 
on.  Both  would  feel  cheated  and  disappointed  if  either  party  retired 
from  the  fray  too  soon. 

The  privilege  of  initiating  the  conflict  is  available  to  the  party  who 
develops  the  irritability  first.  He  or  she  has  a  chip  on  the  shoulder  and 
is  looking  for  trouble.  The  aggressor  role  includes,  therefore,  the  in- 
sight to  recognize  in  oneself  feelings  of  malaise,  uneasiness,  or  frustra- 
tion and  the  willingness  to  do  something  about  it.  It  includes  the  skill 
of  identifying  and  forthrightly  relaying  to  the  partner  the  sore  spots  in 
one's  make-up  as  they  are  touched  in  the  sparring  —  "Ouch,  that  hurts." 
Obviously,  it  should  also  include  the  willingness  to  kiss  and  make  up 
when  the  inner  tension  has  subsided.  Often  the  tension  subsides  with- 
out solving  the  problem  which  occasioned  the  outburst.  But  there  is 
no  hurry;  the  immediate  need  is  to  relieve  the  tension  under  which  the 
aggressor  seems  to  be  operating.  The  original  problem  may  lend  itself 
to  solution  the  next  morning  when  things  look  rosier. 

The  marital  sparring  partner  who  plays  the  defendant  role  has  a 
special  responsibility.  If  the  irritability  of  the  aggressor  seems  due  to 
hunger,  sickness,  fatigue,  pregnancy,  menstrual  blues,  or  tensions  aggra- 
vated by  other  physiological  disfunction,  the  situation  may  call  for  lis- 
tening it  out,  for  reassurance  and  sympathy  rather  than  active  opposi- 
tion. The  person  who  has  been  emotionally  wounded  in  his  workaday 
contacts  may  need  the  same  understanding  and  sympathy.  Humilia- 
tions and  personal  defeats  may  be  offset  by  the  understanding  interest 
of  the  partner.  The  partner  needs  to  be  sure  of  his  ground,  for  there  is 
nothing  more  infuriating  to  the  person  out  to  pick  a  fight  than  failure 
on  the  part  of  the  defendant  to  respond  to  his  aggressions.  The  need 
for  response  is  all  the  keener  in  the  person  on  an  emotional  spree. 

In  interpersonal  relations  much  depends  on  the  ability  of  the  par- 
ticipants to  anticipate  the  responses  of  the  other.  So  much  behavior 
consists  of  anticipated  reactions  that  the  skillful  sparring  partner  must 
learn  what  the  other  expects  and  say,  "He's  asking  for  it;  I'll  give  it  to 
him."  The  sore  spots  alluded  to  above  may  sometimes  be  painful,  and 
the  partner  may  need  to  work  around  them  in  his  verbal  punching.  For 
the  wife  to  jeer  at  her  husband's  inability  to  make  more  money  or  to 
become  president  of  the  firm  would  be  for  most  men  a  blow  below  the 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  247 

belt,  because  she  aims  at  the  area  over  which  he  has  least  control.  Like- 
wise for  a  man  to  taunt  his  wife  about  her  inability  to  have  children 
may  be  such  a  cruel  jab  that  she  will  never  quite  recover.  In  time  the 
sparring  partner  learns  to  anticipate  the  hidden  weaknesses  and  finds 
where  to  aim  his  blows  to  get  the  maximum  release  of  tension  with  a 
minimum  damage  to  the  personality.  This  discussion  may  sound  far- 
fetched to  the  student  who  has  had  no  occasion  to  think  it  through, 
but  every  couple  in  conflict  experience  some  of  these  reactions  in  some 
degree.  Some  participants  become  very  skillful  in  their  battling  and 
recognize  conflict  for  what  it  is,  a  tension-dispelling  experience  of  real 
value. 

Sfages  of  Conflict.  Unless  the  newly  married  have  had  a  background 
of  conflict  in  their  respective  parental  families,  they  may  be  devastated 
by  their  first  quarrels.  In  time  they  will  come  to  recognize  that  conflict 
has  a  pattern  and  runs  a  course  which  is  predictable.  At  least  three 
stages  are  discernible. 

1  At  the  beginning  of  the  battle,  the  first  stage,  there  is  often  petulant  irri- 
tability and  jittery  nagging  on  the  part  of  the  wife,  if  she  is  the  aggressor. 
If  the  husband  is  the  aggressor,  the  symptoms  of  tension  express  them- 
selves in  emotionally  toned  growling,  griping,  and  overcritical  comments 
on  the  sloppy  house,  the  overdone  steak,  or  the  bill  from  the  hairdresser. 
The  aggressor  is  readying  himself  to  take  out  his  accumulated  frustrations 
on  the  partner,  who  takes  it  just  so  long  and  then  begins  to  fight  back. 

2  The  second  stage  is  often  the  battle  royal  itself.    It  consists  of  laying  the 
cards  on  the  table,  meeting  accusation  with  accusation,  arguing,  cajoling, 
wisecracking.    The  second  stage  may  be  relatively  short,  a  matter  of  min- 
utes in  fact,  and  again  it  may  last  in  relatively  nonviolent  form  for  hours 
into  the  night,  depending  on  the  issues  and  the  nature  of  the  tensions 
which  occasioned  the  conflict  originally. 

3  The  third  stage  begins  as  the  aggressor  recognizes  a  let-up  in  his  inner  ten- 
sions and  as  he  communicates  that  fact  to  the  other  by  offers  of  concilia- 
tion and  peace.    The  defendant  may  by  this  time  have  built  up  tensions 
himself  and  may  be  unwilling  to  kiss  and  make  up,  which  may  prolong 
the  battle  until  both  are  relatively  more  relaxed.    The  participants  often 
find  this  stage  the  most  difficult  to  bring  about.    Pride,  hurt  feelings,  and 
resentment  hold  over  in  unfinished  conflicts,  and  although  the  battle  may 
be  over  the  war  never  really  ends.    Covert  conflict  all  too  frequently  con- 
tinues after  the  overt  battling  has  subsided.    More  skilled  couples  prefer 
the  third  stage  to  any  other,  because  it  brings  the  release  of  tension  and  a 
glorious  feeling  that  the  world  is  right  and  marriage  is  "swell."    For  these 


248  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

couples  conflict  is  not  something  to  fear,  but  something  to  utilize  in  order 
to  strengthen  their  relationship  when  tensions  and  misunderstandings 
arise. 

Ways  of  Handling  Conflict 

Opposition  in  marriage  is  universal  and  normal,  but  skillful  handling  of 
marital  conflict  must  be  learned.  The  channels  of  communication  be- 
tween husband  and  wife  can  be  kept  open  during  conflict  only  if  they 
each  use  gestures  of  acceptance  of  the  other  as  they  differ.  In  the  old 
West  there  was  a  saying,  "Smile  when  you  say  that,  pardner;  them's 
fighting  words!"  In  marriage,  opposition  is  less  likely  to  arouse  animosity 
if  the  partner  prefaces  his  assertions  with  a  family  gesture  of  acceptance. 
Heat  in  an  argument,  and  animosity  directed  against  the  person  are 
joined  in  some  conflicts,  but  they  need  not  be  threatening  if  the  com- 
batant is  secure,  knows  he  is  loved,  and  that  the  love  is  not  conditional, 
dependent  upon  his  agreeing  with  the  spouse. 

There  is  real  danger  for  those  who  have  studied  a  little  psychology, 
or  a  little  psychiatry,  and  who  attempt  to  apply  the  psychiatric  labels  to 
the  partner  under  stress.  It  is  rarely  helpful,  for  instance,  to  say  in  the 
heat  of  the  battle,  "You  are  being  hostile,"  or,  "You  are  acting  para- 
noid," or,  "You  are  being  regressive,"  and  so  on. 

An  obvious  requirement  for  successfully  handling  conflicts  in  mar- 
riage is  previous  experience  with  conflict  in  one's  parental  family  or  with 
one's  peers.  There  needs  to  be  a  deep  held  conviction  that  problems 
can  be  solved  and  that  consensus  is  possible.  A  happy  by-product  of 
observation  of  successful  quarreling  in  one's  parental  family  is  the  ab- 
sence of  fear  when  conflict  looms  in  later  marriage.  People  who  are 
afraid  of  combat  are  often  the  first  to  get  hurt. 

Proud  should  be  the  family  which  has  reared  its  children  to  be 
tough-minded,  invulnerable  to  the  glancing  blows  of  inept  opponents. 
Thin-skinned,  sensitive  people  find  it  difficult  to  focus  on  the  problem, 
tend  to  take  opposition  personally  so  that  it  is  difficult  to  carry  through 
a  productive  conflict  which  sticks  to  issues. 

There  are  still  other  ways  of  handling  tensions  than  the  forthright 
methods  described  above.  In  the  film,  Who's  Boss,  the  husband  warns 
his  wife  upon  arrival  that  he  has  had  a  hard  day  and  may  prove  irritable 
during  the  evening  by  twirling  his  hat,  and  his  wife  has  a  signal  just  as 
voiceless;  she  wears  her  apron  astern.  With  this  advance  notice,  the 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  249 

partner  less  fatigued  can  take  some  responsibility  for  providing  a  sound- 
ing board  for  the  day's  tensions.  The  wife  may  decide  to  "feed  the 
beast"  at  least  a  snack,  if  supper  is  going  to  be  late,  knowing  that  hun- 
ger complicates  any  tensions  which  may  have  arisen.  The  husband  may 
whisk  the  children  out  from  under  foot,  knowing  that  preparing  a  hot 
meal  requires  supercoordination  that  demanding  children  can  upset. 

Some  married  partners  who  perceive  conflict  ahead  attempt  to  battle 
out  their  tensions  first  on  the  wood  pile,  or  with  a  golf  club,  or  bowling. 
The  wife  may  scrub  the  floors  or  pound  Sibelius  out  on  the  piano. 
When  they  return  to  face  each  other  the  original  conflict  is  probably 
still  unresolved  but  they  are  better  prepared  to  deal  with  it,  now  that  the 
feelings  of  unpleasantness  have  subsided.  This  is  a  species  of  running 
away,  to  fight  another  day.  But  the  problem  is  ultimately  tackled! 

Some  individuals  are  teamed  in  marriage  with  partners  unable  to 
play  any  of  these  combatant  roles.  They  are  conflict  shy,  avoid  trouble 
at  all  costs,  and  resort  to  substitutive  activity  to  keep  their  marriage  on 
an  even  keel.  Daydreaming,  rationalization,  deprecation,  martyrdom, 
illness,  and  idealization  are  some  of  the  mechanisms  employed  to  escape 
from  the  reality  of  the  marriage.  The  conflict  is  handled  by  avoiding 
it,  by  the  wife  or  husband  becoming  too  ill  to  face  it.  Martyrdom  is 
closely  allied  to  illness  as  a  way  out  of  facing  the  conflict.  The  mar- 
tyred partner  glories  in  the  hurts  and  troubles  which  afflict  her  (it  may 
be  the  husband)  and  thus  avoids  the  real  basis  for  conflict.  Not  un- 
common in  workaday  America  is  the  man  (or  woman)  who  escapes  the 
pain  of  discordant  marriage  by  plunging  into  work  and  spending  all  his 
time  at  it.  The  daydreamer  manages,  on  the  other  hand,  to  forget  mar- 
riage entirely,  or  sufficiently  so  not  to  be  bothered  about  real  life  situa- 
tions. In  fantasy  she  creates  a  substitute  husband  who  is  kinder  and 
more  romantic  than  the  real  one.  Rationalization,  deprecation,  and 
idealization  are  all  mental  mechanisms  which  enable  the  person  to  make 
the  best  of  an  unsatisfactory  situation  without  really  facing  it  squarely. 
We  say,  "Other  people  are  worse  off  than  we,"  or  "I  don't  think  I  de- 
serve anything  better;  after  all  I'm  just  a  working  man,"  or  "She's  a  good 
mother  for  the  children."  2  The  obvious  difficulty  with  these  substitu- 
tive adjustments  is  that  they  tend  to  mask  the  real  issues.  Even  though 

2  One  of  the  most  exhaustive  treatises  of  marital  conflict  and  the  mechanisms 
used  to  displace  conflict  is  Harriet  R.  Mowrer,  Personality  Adjustment  and  Domestic 
Discord  (New  York:  American  Book  Company,  1935). 


250  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

they  start  as  temporary  expedients  in  the  trial  and  error  adjustments  of 
early  marriage,  the  marriage  structure  may  be  based  permanently  on  a 
substitutive  basis. 


Marital  Counseling  as  a  Means  of  Meeting  Progressive  Conflict 

Marital  counseling  services  are  available  in  a  number  of  large  cities  for 
couples  whose  marriage  conflicts  prove  too  much  for  them.  The  case 
of  Charles  and  Edna  demonstrates  the  possibilities  of  professional  coun- 
seling services  for  cases  of  progressive  domestic  discord. 

Charlie  is  a  young  physician  just  getting  a  good  start  in  building  up 
a  practice  in  a  small  Midwestern  city.  Three  years  ago  he  married 
Edna,  who  sang  in  the  choir  of  the  Methodist  church.  In  their  court- 
ship and  engagement  period  they  did  all  the  things  young  lovers  do, 
from  discussing  the  kind  of  furniture  they  liked  to  the  number  of  chil- 
dren they  would  have.  Their  marriage  has  been  a  happy  one  on  the 
whole.  Their  year-and-a-half-old  son  is  a  darling  whom  they  both  adore. 
The  practice  is  building  up  so  well  that  they  are  making  regular  pay- 
ments on  a  little  bungalow  at  the  edge  of  town.  Everything  should  be 
wonderful.  They  love  each  other,  have  their  little  home,  their  baby, 
and  the  promise  of  the  kind  of  future  they  both  have  looked  forward  to 
all  their  lives.  The  one  problem  that  has  disturbed  them  both  greatly 
has  been  their  frequent  and  heated  quarreling.  Spats  seemed  to  start 
up  over  nothing.  But  once  they  were  started  Edna  found  herself  get- 
ting so  mad  she  just  couldn't  contain  herself,  while  Charlie  shut  up  like 
a  clam,  and  after  he  had  stood  just  so  much  slammed  out  of  the  door, 
not  to  return  for  several  hours.  Edna  felt  that  if  Charlie  loved  her,  he 
would  be  willing  to  stay  and  talk  it  out  and  make  some  rules  so  that 
they  wouldn't  fight  over  the  same  thing  again.  He  felt  that  she  was  be- 
ing unreasonable  most  of  the  time  and  that  she  should  be  able  to  con- 
trol her  temper  better.  The  situation  became  so  acute  that  several 
months  ago  they  went  to  see  their  minister  about  it.  He  was  an  up- 
and-coming  young  pastor  with  a  good  training  in  helping  people  out  of 
trouble,  and  after  listening  to  both  sides  of  the  case,  suggested  that  they 
go  to  the  not  too  distant  city  and  visit  the  marriage  and  family  counsel- 
ing agency  here.  He  told  the  couple  what  they  might  expect  from  such 
a  service  and  said  that  he  was  suggesting  that  they  go  to  such  a  center 
in  much  the  same  way  as  he  would  recommend  a  good  hospital  01  doc- 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  251 

tor  if  some  troublesome  physical  difficulty  didn't  respond  to  home 
remedies. 

Two  week  ends  later  the  couple  were  found  chatting  pleasantly  with 
the  counselor.  She  assured  them  that  she  wasn't  going  to  pry  into  any- 
thing that  either  of  them  didn't  want  to  tell  her,  but  that  sometimes  it 
helped  to  talk  out  bothersome  problems  with  a  person  who  was  not  tied 
up  emotionally  in  the  situation.  She  helped  them  both  to  see  that  she 
was  not  a  Mrs.  Ellery  Queen  who  could  unravel  human  mysteries  in  the 
first  twenty  minutes,  but  that  her  training  might  help  her  to  suggest  to 
both  of  them  just  where  to  look  for  the  real  reasons  for  their  trouble. 
The  counselor  indicated  that  by  working  together,  some  suggestions  for 
meeting  the  situation  might  emerge.  The  couple  seemed  relieved  to 
find  that  the  counselor  was  not  assuming  a  know-it-all  attitude  and  that 
she  seemed  to  be  the  sort  of  friendly  person  who  could  be  trusted  to 
like  you,  whatever  you  told  her.  She  looked  as  if  she  would  hear  your 
story  without  being  shocked  or  making  too  much  of  it. 

Each  described  the  situation  as  he  saw  it.  The  wife  got  so  excited 
as  she  relived  the  last  quarrel  that  she  started  to  cry.  Then  feeling  bet- 
ter, she  leaned  toward  the  counselor,  saying  earnestly,  "You  see  how 
much  this  matters  to  me.  If  only  we  could  get  to  the  bottom  of  it  all, 
Fd  be  the  happiest  girl  alive."  She  was  encouraged  by  the  counselor's 
reflection  that  it  was  just  that  motivation  to  do  something  about  it  that 
was  the  most  important  step  toward  an  effective  solution. 

After  several  individual  interviews  and  a  simple  personality  study  of 
each,  the  couple  came  in  again  for  a  joint  conference.  At  that  time 
they  were  each  helped  to  share  with  the  other  the  insights  they  had 
gained  concerning  their  problems  and  to  look  at  them  together.  It  was 
slow  going  the  first  time,  a  new  way  of  approaching  the  problem  for 
both  of  them.  By  the  third  and  fourth  session  with  the  counselor  they 
were  much  more  at  ease,  and  had  begun  to  talk  in  terms  of  what  they 
would  do  now  that  they  were  returning  home. 

Within  three  months  they  were  both  more  comfortable  with  the 
whole  idea  of  their  quarreling,  and  neither  of  them  became  panicky 
when  one  started.  As  time  went  on,  the  quarrels  grew  less  frequent  and 
lasted  for  shorter  periods.  Each  developed  some  understanding  of  what 
it  was  in  their  early  experiences  which  made  them  feel  so  differently 
when  a  conflict  situation  emerged.  Both  began  to  develop  some  skill 
in  handling  themselves  and  in  understanding  the  other  when  the  fur 


252 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 


"Oh,  it's  nothing  to  worry  about.     Every  marriage  requires 
an  adjustment  period/7 


Reproduced  by  special  permission  of  the  Saturday  Evening 
Post,  copyright  1943  by  the  Curtis  Publishing  Company 


began  to  bristle.  Of  course  they  still  squabble,  and  they  probably  al- 
ways will.  But  they  can  take  it  now,  and  are  comforted  by  the  recogni- 
tion that  there  is  less  of  it  to  have  to  take. 

The  baby  sister  who  recently  arrived  has  added  to  their  sense  of  be- 
ing a  family,  and  to  the  growing  satisfactions  of  their  life  together.  As 
young  Doc  put  it  himself,  ''No  one  could  have  told  me  a  year  ago  that 
marriage  could  be  like  this.  Why,  with  all  the  education  I  had,  I  never 
had  the  foggiest  idea  that  you  could  be  as  scientific  about  your  feelings 
as  you  can  about  a  tonsillectomy.  I  want  some  books  to  read.  This 
has  all  been  an  eye  opener  to  me." 

Yes,  it's  an  eye  opener  to  many  folks.  Listening  to  the  Mr.  Agonys 
on  the  radio  and  reading  the  lovelorn  columns  in  the  daily  papers  give 
many  people  the  idea  that  asking  for  help  on  a  personal  or  family 
tangle  is  childish.  Many  are  afraid  that  the  problem  will  be  taken  out 
of  their  hands  and  that  they  will  be  told  what  to  do  without  having  a 
part  in  the  decision.  Others  are  skeptical  about  the  type  of  person  who 
acts  as  a  counselor.  Still  others  hesitate  to  tell  their  personal  problems 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  253 

to  a  stranger  who  may  not  keep  their  confidences.  All  of  these  fears 
and  reluctances  are  perfectly  justified.  There  is  a  certain  sanctity  about 
our  emotional  and  married  lives;  we  don't  want  things  spread  all  over 
town.  It  is  this  respect  for  the  persons  and  for  their  confidences  that  is 
characteristic  of  a  good  counseling  service  and  of  a  well-trained  coun- 
selor. This  is  the  big  difference  between  the  shoddy  quackery  that  we 
are  all  afraid  of  and  the  reliable,  modest,  helpful  counseling  service 
which  is  becoming  more  widely  available. 

Criteria  for  judging  a  good  counseling  service  are  fairly  simple  to 
enumerate.  Briefly  summarized  they  are  as  follows: 

A  GOOD  MARRIAGE  COUNSELING  SERVICE 

1  Doesn't  promise  quick  results  or  make  snap  judgments. 

2  Doesn't  diagnose  until  after  a  careful  study  has  been  made. 

3  Keeps  all  information  confidential. 

4  May  charge  nominal  fees  which  are  frankly  discussed. 

5  May  call  in  other  trained  specialists  to  help. 

6  Uses  only  trained  professional  workers  from  reputable  colleges  specializing 
in  such  fields  as  social  work,  human  development,  psychiatry,  and  related 
areas.    (At  least  a  master's  degree  in  the  specialized  area  is  the  usual  pro- 
fessional standard.) 

7  Is  affiliated  with  such  reliable  bodies  as  local  councils  of  social  agencies, 
and  nationally  with  such  professional  organizations  as  the  National  Con- 
ference of  Social  Work,  and  the  National  Council  on  Family  Relations. 

8  Does  not  advertise  or  try  to  drum  up  business,  relying  instead  on  slowly 
building  up  a  clientele  of  satisfied  users  through  referrals  from  other  agen- 
cies and  professional  persons. 

9  May  have  a  membership  and  a  board  of  directors  of  reliable  citizens  who 
take  the  responsibility  for  supporting  and  interpreting  the  program  to  the 
community. 

What,  then,  have  we  said  about  marital  conflict?  First,  much  con- 
flict is  normal.  It  performs  a  valuable  function  in  maintaining  emo- 
tional balance  through  the  release  of  tensions  accumulated  in  a  work- 
aday world.  Second,  much  of  conflict  in  early  marriage  is  understand- 
able as  the  outcome  of  merging  two  different  sets  of  family  habits  into 
a  new  pattern  —  a  painful  process  which  is  speeded  up  by  overt  conflict 
and  definition  of  the  issues.  This  type  of  conflict  tends  to  be  progres- 
sively delimiting  in  the  area  it  covers  as  the  marriage  continues  and 


254  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

serves  a  valuable  problem  solving  function.  Third,  in  distinguishing  be- 
tween productive  and  destructive  quarreling,  the  former  was  shown  to 
be  limited,  and  directed  at  issues,  problems,  and  conditions  rather  than 
at  the  person.  Destructive  quarreling  concentrates  on  the  ego  of  the 
participants  and  destroys  the  fundamentals  on  which  the  marriage  is 
based. 

In  line  with  the  newer  thinking  concerning  the  nature  of  personality 
needs,  this  chapter  has  advocated  more  honesty  in  the  husband  and 
wife  relationship.  This  involves  facing  issues  squarely  and  master- 
ing the  arts  of  conflict  in  rough  and  tumble  discussion.  It  is  not  so  much 
the  conflict  in  marriage  which  is  to  be  deplored  as  the  inability  to  face 
the  issues  and  battle  them  through.  Conflict  has  a  dual  function:  the 
solution  of  issues,  and  the  release  of  the  resentment  and  tensions  which 
arise  in  every  relationship. 

Every  couple  needs  to  learn  the  techniques  of  handling  conflict  situ- 
ations. Thousands  of  informed,  mature  married  couples  are  reporting 
the  feasibility  of  the  approaches  to  conflict  described  in  this  chapter. 
To  aid  others  less  fortunately  endowed,  the  inexperienced,  the  imma- 
ture, and  the  progressively  discordant  couples  who  are  unable  to  handle 
the  complexities  of  normal  conflict  in  marriage,  there  are  fortunately  an 
increasing  number  of  reputable  marital  counseling  agencies  close  at 
hand. 

Selected  Readings 

DEARDORF,  NEVA  R.,  "A  Puzzle  in  Cross  Words,"  Survey,  Vol.  49,  pp.  288- 

290. 
FOLSOM,  JOSEPH  K.,  The  Family  in  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley, 

1943),  Chap.  13,  "Marriage  Interaction." 

HILL,  REUBEN,  "Quarreling  Comes  into  Its  Own."  Parents'  Magazine  (Sep- 
tember, 1946),  pp.  24  ff. 
LEVY,  JOHN,  AND  MUNROE,  RUTH,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf, 

1938),  Chap.  5,  "Living  Together." 
MAGOUN,  F.  ALEXANDER,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948), 

Chap.  10,  "Emotional  Adjustment." 
MOWRER,  HARRIET,  "Discords  in  Marriage,"  in  Becker,  Howard,  and  Hill, 

Reuben,  eds.,  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parenthood  (Boston:  Heath,  1948), 

Chap.  12. 
NIMKOFF,  MEYER,  Marriage  and  the  Family  (Boston:  Hough  ton  Mifflin, 

1947),  Chap.  15,  "Marital  Adjustment." 
TRAVIS,  LEE  E.,  AND  BARUCH,  DOROTHY  w.,  Personal  Problems  of  Everyday 

Life  (New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1941),  chaps.  13-14. 


COMMON    CONFLICTS    IN    MARRIAGE  255 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  chaps.  14-15. 

Technical  References 

BERKOWITZ,  SIDNEY  j.,  "An  Approach  to  the  Treatment  of  Marital  Discord," 
Journal  of  Social  Casework,  Vol.  29  (November,  1948),  pp.  355  ff. 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  w.,  AND  LOCKE,  HARVEY  j.,  The  Family:  From  Institution 
to  Companionship  (New  York:  American  Book,  1945),  Chap.  18. 

CUBER,  JOHN  F.,  Marriage  Counseling  Practice  (New  York:  Appleton,  1948) . 

FRAZIER,  E.  FRANKLIN,  "Certain  Aspects  of  Conflict  in  the  Negro  Family," 
Social  Forces,  Vol.  10,  pp.  76—84. 

GLUECK,  BERNARD,  "Some  of  the  Sources  of  Marital  Discontent/'  The  Fam- 
ily, Vol.  16  (March,  1935),  pp.  3  ff . 

HOLLIS,  FLORENCE,  Women  in  Marital  Conflict  (New  York:  Family  Service 
Association  of  America,  1949). 

JUNG,  MOSES,  Modern  Marriage  (New  York:  Crofts,  1940),  Chap.  4. 

KARLSSON,  GEORG,  Adaptability  and  Communication  in  Marriage  (Upsala, 
Sweden:  Upsala  Sociological  Institute,  1951). 

KEYSERLING,  HERMANN,  "The  Correct  Statement  of  the  Marriage  Problem," 
The  Book  of  Marriage  (New  York:  Harcourt,  Brace,  1926). 

KIRKPATRICK,  CLIFFORD,  "Techniques  of  Marital  Adjustment,"  The  Annals 
(March,  1932),  pp.  179  ff. 

KRUEGER,  E.  T.,  "A  Study  of  Marriage  Incompatibility,"  Family,  Vol.  9 
(1928),  pp.  53-60. 

MUDD,  EMILY  H.,  The  Practice  of  Marriage  Counseling  (New  York:  Associa- 
tion Press,  1951). 


CHAPTER  THIRTEEN 


"I've  got  some  money  saved  from  my 
newspaper  route  we  can  use,  Dad/' 


WHEN   CRISES   COME 


Does  sudden  poverty  make  or  break  a  family? 

Is  desertion  a  poor  mans  divorce? 

What  is  meant  by  "death  education"? 

What  is  the  immediate  reaction  to  death  of  a  loved  one? 

How  can  you  handle  the  case  of  the  "other  woman"? 

What  are  the  marks  of  recovery  from  a  family  crisis? 


7 

/7~O  FIND  YOURSELF  BROKE  WITH  A  FAMILY  TO  SUPPORT  AND  NO  JOB 

in  sight  is  tough;  to  take  the  death  of  a  family  member  in  stride  is  more 
difficult  still;  to  adjust  to  the  faithlessness  of  husband  or  wife  requires 
insight  and  understanding;  and  to  face  possible  desertion  or  divorce  is 
beyond  the  powers  of  most  young  people.  Yet  these  are  the  crises  vir- 
tually all  families  face  at  some  time.  Death,  the  crisis  least  talked 
about  of  all,  will  normally  hit  the  average  family  not  once  but  several 
times.  Sudden  poverty  hovers  constantly  over  all  but  the  wealthiest  of 
families  under  an  industrial  economy  which  has  produced  cycles  of  in- 
flation, depressions,  and  widespread  unemployment  every  five  years 
since  1790.  These  are  hard  blows  to  take  but  they  are  part  of  living  — 
families  must  be  prepared  not  so  much  to  avoid  them  as  to  regard  them 
as  challenges.  Indeed,  there  is  no  avoiding  trouble  if  you  want  to  have 
the  satisfactions  of  living  in  a  real  world.  The  question  which  should 
be  raised  is  not,  "How  can  I  avoid  family  crises?"  but,  "How  can  I 
learn  to  take  them?" 

The  first  step  in  learning  to  take  trouble  in  stride  is  to  realize  that 


258  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

other  people  the  world  over  are  facing  similar  problems  —  not,  "Why 
does  all  this  have  to  happen  to  us?"  but,  "I  guess  we're  having  our  turn 
now."  Another  step  in  learning  to  take  it  is  to  recognize  the  normality 
of  problems  and  conflict.  Much  of  the  anguish  which  follows  a  crisis 
arises  from  the  shock  of  the  unexpected  and  the  fear  that  no  recovery 
is  possible.  The  shock  of  the  blow  is  easier  to  absorb  if  one  is  relaxed 
and  unafraid  of  the  pain  which  is  bound  to  follow.  Some  families  are 
so  well  prepared  for  trouble  they  grow  under  it.  Their  preparation  for 
crises  began  back  in  courtship  and  early  marriage,  and  even  before. 

In  the  early  years  of  marriage  the  husband-wife  relation  stabilizes, 
with  each  taking  roles  with  prescribed  duties,  many  of ..  which  continue 
after  children  arrive.  Later,  with  the  children,  the  family  heads  work 
out  solutions  to  the  problems  of  daily  living.  Members  learn  the  an- 
swers to  most  questions,  and  they  express  it  neatly  —  'This  is  the  way 
we  do  it  at  our  house,"  or,  "I  was  brought  up  to  think  this  way."  Con- 
flicts are  settled  and  decisions  made  regarding  vacations,  birthday  par- 
ties, and  school  difficulties.  Well-organized  families  have  the  resources 
for  meeting  these  problems  without  too  much  distress  and  readjustment. 

When  the  family  meets  a  situation  for  which  there  is  no  ready  solu- 
tion from  past  experience  and  no  immediate  answer  forthcoming  from 
family  members,  then  the  family  is  said  to  face  a  crisis.  Sudden  poverty, 
infidelity,  divorce,  desertion,  and  bereavement  are  good  examples  of  dis- 
ruptions which  throw  most  families  into  temporary  confusion.  Some 
families  may  be  permanently  disabled,  particularly  if  the  remaining 
members  are  unable  to  absorb  the  duties  of  the  persons  incapacitated  by 
the  crisis.  Other  families  are  drawn  closer  together  by  the  threat  to 
their  unity  and  survive  the  crisis  stronger  than  ever.1 

We  have  selected  for  discussion  in  this  chapter  crises  that  produce 
both  demoralization  (loss  of  morale  and  family  unity)  and  dismember- 
ment (loss  of  family  member):  sudden  impoverishment,  infidelity,  de- 
sertion, and  bereavement.  Divorce  will  be  discussed  in  some  detail  in 
the  next  chapter.  The  variety  of  family  breakdowns  is  large  and  worthy 
of  our  attention  as  we  enter  the  discussion  of  family  crises. 

What  conditions  must  a  family  maintain  to  withstand  the  buffeting 
of  circumstances  in  this  turbulent  country  of  ours?  The  family  mem- 

1  It  appears  that  middle-class  families  may  have  more  troubles  but  weather  them 
more  successfully  than  working  class  families  according  to  Earl  L.  Koos,  "Class  Dif- 
ferences in  Family  Reactions  to  Crises/'  Marriage  and  Family  Living  (Summer, 
-  77~78- 


WHEN    CRISES    COME 


259 


A  CLASSIFICATION  OF  FAMILY  BREAKDOWNS2 
Dismemberment  only  LOSS  of  child 

Loss  of  spouse 
Orphanhood 
Hospitalization 
War  separation 

Demoralization  only  NonSUppOft 

Progressive  dissension 

Infidelity 

Sense  of  disgrace  —  reputation  loss 

Accession  only  Unwanted  pregnancy 

Deserter  returns 

Stepmother,  stepfather  additions 
Some  war  reunions 
Some  adoptions 

Demoralization  plus  Illegitimacy 

dismemberment  or  Runaway  situations 

accession  Desertion 

Divorce 
Imprisonment 
Suicide  or  homicide 

bers  must  be  physically  fit  and  healthy;  they  must  have  adequate  mental 
resources  to  cope  with  complexities  and  unpredictables;  they  must  be 
adaptable  and  flexible;  they  must  have  achieved  a  workable  adjustment 
to  one  another  as  members  of  a  group  and  must  be  proud  of  their  family 
membership;  and  they  need  to  have  an  income  from  some  source  ade- 
quate to  maintain  a  normal  standard  of  living.  In  addition,  to  remain 
healthy,  the  family  needs  the  support  of  neighbors  and  friends  and  of 
community  agencies  like  the  church  and  the  school.  Lacking  any  of 
these  attributes,  a  family  may  muddle  through  for  a  period  of  years 
without  breaking  up.  But  in  the  face  of  a  crippling  crisis  such  a  family 
will  become  badly  disorganized,  and  dismemberment  or  demoralization 
will  take  place. 

2  Expanded  by  Reuben  Hill  in  Families  under  Stress  (New  York:  Harper, 
1949),  p.  10,  from  a  classification  originally  suggested  by  Thomas  D.  Eliot,  "Han- 
dling Family  Strains  and  Shocks,"  in  Howard  Becker  and  Reuben  Hill  (eds.),  Fam- 
ily, Marriage,  and  Parenthood  (Boston:  Heath,  1948),  p.  617,  n. 


260  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

Down  on  Your  Luck 

Sudden  impoverishment  is  one  of  the  crises  which  has  been  studied 
most  completely,  and  there  is  considerable  agreement  concerning  its 
effects  on  the  family.  One  of  the  surprising  findings  from  the  depres- 
sion of  1929-36  was  the  ability  of  many  families  to  absorb  the  shock  of 
impoverishment  without  demoralization  or  great  personal  disorganiza- 
tion.3 The  reactions  of  the  family  when  the  breadwinner  is  laid  off  and 
the  income  ceases  must  be  seen  against  the  backdrop  of  associations 
within  the  family  and  the  family's  earlier  reactions  to  crises.  As  chil- 
dren are  added  to  the  family,  methods  of  adjustment  develop  and  be- 
come habitual.  Father  traditionally  earns  the  money  and  spends  most 
of  his  day  away  from  home.  Mother  runs  the  domestic  end  of  the 
household,  supplying  services  and  supervision  of  the  children,  who  are 
primarily  consumers  with  minimum  responsibilities  and  who  are  ac- 
customed to  depend  on  parents  for  the  satisfaction  of  their  major  wants. 
There  comes  a  crash  on  the  market  —  people  are  thrown  out  of  work. 
The  loss  of  father's  job  and  the  subsequent  loss  of  income  disrupt  this 
habitual  arrangement.  It  leaves  father  with  time  on  his  hands  at  home, 
exercising  unaccustomed  supervision  of  children,  and  it  places  other 
members  of  the  family  in  situations  for  which  they  have  no  accustomed 
responses. 

One  of  the  best  descriptions  of  the  nature  of  the  crisis  of  impoverish- 
ment is  drawn  from  a  study  of  one  hundred  Chicago  families: 

The  development  of  a  crisis  often  involves  disorganization,  that  is,  a 
breakdown  in  the  organization  of  the  family  or  person.  The  depression,  as 
a  crisis,  may  effect  wide-spread  disorganization,  for  the  influence  of  the  eco- 
nomic aspect  of  the  family  is  so  pervasive  that  lowered  income  may  affect 
every  realm  of  family  life.  The  family  may  have  to  abandon  certain  objec- 
tives, such  as  buying  a  home  or  educating  the  children:  it  may  be  unable  to 
conform  to  certain  social  and  community  standards  in  which  it  has  always 
taken  pride,  such  as  the  prompt  payment  of  rent  and  bills  or  the  mainte- 
nance of  a  certain  type  of  home:  it  may  be  disturbed  by  the  shifting  of  the 
dominant  role,  perhaps  from  the  father  to  the  mother  or  to  a  son  or  daugh- 
ter. Not  only  is  the  family  organization  shaken,  but  the  members  of  the 
family  most  affected  also  may  become  personally  disorganized  over  the  loss 
of  accustomed  activities,  a  lowering  of  status,  or  a  failure  to  meet  responsi- 

8  Ruth  S.  Cavan  and  Katherine  H.  Ranck,  The  Family  and  the  Depression 
(Chicago:  University  of  Chicago  Press,  1938),  pp.  viii— ix. 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  261 

bilities.     This  disorganization  may  be  evidenced  by  worry,  nervous  break- 
downs, excessive  fears,  or  demoralization. 

A  crisis  and  the  disorganization  that  accompanies  it  are  highly  charged 
with  emotion,  a  reaction  to  be  expected  when  habits  become  ineffective  and 
new  modes  of  response  must  be  found  and  adopted.  In  the  case  of  the  de- 
pression the  emotion  tends  to  be  fear  —  fear  of  loss  of  status,  of  loss  of  money 
reserves,  of  failure  to  have  needed  food  and  clothing,  of  the  necessity  to  go 
on  relief.  When  re-employment  is  not  found,  worry,  discouragement,  and 
depression  follow.  Some  people  become  resentful  or  angry,  but  most  of 
them  are  simply  afraid  of  a  moneyless  existence  for  which  they  have  no  ha- 
bitual conduct  and  no  philosophy.  For  many  people  the  condition  of  un- 
employment continues  over  many  months,  even  over  several  years.  It  is 
almost  impossible,  however,  for  a  highly  charged  emotional  state  to  continue 
over  a  long  period  of  time.  Therefore,  the  period  of  unemployment  cannot 
be  considered  as  a  static  period.  The  situation,  as  it  appears  during  the  first 
shock  of  unemployment,  is  not  the  situation  as  it  would  be  described  six 
months  or  a  year  later.  The  unemployment  may  still  exist,  the  income  may 
still  be  low:  but  the  experience  of  a  person  who  has  been  unemployed  for  a 
year  is  not  the  experience  of  a  person  who  has  just  been  told  that  he  has  no 
job.  At  some  point  the  disorganization  reaches  a  climax  and  the  extreme 
tension  lessens.  This  turning  point  is  psychological;  it  may  not  coincide 
with  the  time  at  which  employment  is  lost.  Self-confidence  and  financial  re- 
sources may  postpone  the  peak  of  the  crisis  until  an  indefinite  number  of 
months  after  the  time  when  unemployment  begins.  Perhaps  the  disorgani- 
zation may  be  said  to  culminate  when  the  family  accepts  the  fact  that  it  can 
no  longer  continue  its  old  mode  of  life,  when  it  admits  that  it  can  no  longer 
control  the  situation  by  its  old  procedures.  Such  a  realization  usually  brings 
with  it  severe  emotional  reactions  which  have  perhaps  been  manifesting 
themselves  in  minor  form  during  the  period  when  the  disorganization  was 
developing.  This  period  of  acute  emotional  stress  is  usually  terminated 
either  by  an  adjustment  to  the  situation  or  by  the  development  of  pathologi- 
cal reactions.  If  an  adjustment  to  the  new  circumstances  occurs,  new  roles 
are  assigned,  new  functions  defined,  a  new  status  accepted.  This  adjustment 
may  take  the  same  form  as  the  old  family  organization,  so  that  after  the 
period  of  disorganization  the  old  roles,  functions,  and  status  are  readily  re- 
sumed; or  the  adjustment  may  involve  roles  of  a  lower  status,  curtailed  func- 
tions, and  lowered  community  status.  In  the  case  of  a  break  or  failure  to 
adjust,  the  family  may  disintegrate  through  separation  of  its  members  or  the 
person  may  escape  through  mental  illness  or  suicide.  In  any  case,  there  is 
a  tendency  for  the  period  of  extreme  disorganization  to  reach  an  end,  either 
through  reorganization  or  disintegration  of  the  group  or  personality. 
.  .  .  another  factor  must  be  considered:  the  habitual  ways  in  which  fami- 
lies and  members  of  families  have  met  earlier  changes  and  crises.  A  crisis, 
because  it  sweeps  away  the  customary  ways  of  living,  tends  to  expose  the 
resources  or  deficiencies  of  the  family  or  person.  The  family  that,  in  the 


262  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

past,  has  faced  a  difficult  situation  squarely,  evaluated  it,  and  made  adjust- 
ments to  it  may  be  expected  to  react  in  this  way  to  the  depression,  even 
though  there  may  be  an  initial  period  of  disorganization.  The  family  that, 
in  the  past,  has  refused  to  face  issues  or  has  evaded  difficult  situations  may 
be  expected  to  evade  facing  the  changes  in  family  life  brought  by  unemploy- 
ment or  decreased  income.  It  seems  clear  from  the  present  study  that  only 
rarely  did  the  crisis  cause  the  development  of  any  totally  new  reactions. 
Rather,  the  crisis  caused  an  exaggeration  of  previously  existing  family  and 
personal  habits.  The  man  who  occasionally  drank  began  to  drink  to  excess. 
The  family  that  was  harmoniously  organized  became  more  unified  and  the 
members  more  loyal.  Reactions  to  the  depression  therefore  cannot  be  stated 
categorically;  the  depression  as  a  family  and  personal  crisis  must  be  viewed 
in  the  light  of  previous  methods  of  meeting  difficulties -used  by  the  family 
or  its  members.4 

Although  no  studies  have  yet  been  published  on  the  subject,  it  would 
not  be  surprising  to  find  that  the  impact  of  rapid  fluctuations  of  in- 
come upward  in  war-boom  prosperity  days  was  fully  as  disorganizing  for 
some  families  as  the  sudden  impoverishment  experienced  by  millions  in 
the  depression  of  1929-36.  In  both  instances  the  family  is  faced  with 
a  disruptive  occurrence  in  which  the  old  customs  of  the  group  and  the 
old  attitudes  and  habits  of  the  family  members  are  no  longer  consistent 
with  the  new  situation  brought  about  by  the  crisis. 


Desertion:  A  Breather  from  Marriage 

Closely  allied  with  impoverishment  and  internal  dissension  is  the  crisis 
of  desertion,  which  afflicts  approximately  300,000  families  a  year.5  It 
has  been  sometimes  called  the  "poor  man's  divorce,"  because  it  occurs 
so  frequently  among  the  economically  impoverished.  As  a  forerunner 
of  divorce,  desertion  is  also  relatively  common  in  the  upper  classes.  Still 
it  is  not  divorce,  because  it  has  no  legal  status  whatsoever.  "It  is  the 
ruthless  and  lawless  evasion  of  responsibilities,  whereas  divorce  is  at 

*  Cavan  and  Ranck,  op.  cit.,  pp.  5-8. 

5  Jacob  T.  Zukerman  estimates  one  million  women  and  children  are  today  the 
victims  of  family  desertion;  see  his  discussion,  "A  Socio-Legal  Approach  to  Family 
Desertion,"  Marriage  and  Family  Living  (Summer,  1950),  p.  83.  As  of  June,  1949, 
roughly  50  per  cent  of  the  536,714  families  receiving  federal-state  support  under  the 
Aid  to  Dependent  Children  program  were  those  in  which  father  was  absent  from  the 
home  and  not  supporting  the  children. 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  263 

least  legal  and  recourse  to  it  is  playing  the  game  in  the  open,  by  the 
rules."  6  It  differs  from  separation  in  that  the  latter  includes  some  ar- 
rangement, voluntary  or  compulsory,  for  support  of  the  deserted. 

Of  all  the  crises,  desertion  is  the  most  devastating  on  the  morale  of 
the  family  because  of  the  difficulty  in  bringing  about  any  program  of 
stabilization.  Reorganization  of  the  family  around  the  remaining  mem- 
bers may  be  postponed  indefinitely  pending  the  return  of  the  deserter. 
Realistic  solutions  are  rejected  in  favor  of  wishful  hope  or  cowering  fear, 
depending  on  the  attitudes  toward  the  absent  one.  Moreover,  if  the 
deserter  does  return  there  is  always  the  fear,  or  hope,  that  he  may  aban- 
don the  family  again  in  the  face  of  difficulty.  Desertion  represents  an 
escape  of  a  sort,  not  unlike  drinking  or  neurotic  illness,  which  is  con- 
veniently used  by  the  offender  both  as  a  club  or  power  device  to  control 
the  family  and  as  a  means  of  release  when  family  responsibilities  become 
too  confining. 

Men  desert  in  significantly  larger  numbers  than  women.  It  is  con- 
sidered socially  much  more  criminal  for  mothers  to  desert  their  children 
than  for  fathers  to  do  so.  The  desertion  in  many  cases  appears  to  be 
timed  to  avoid  the  economic  responsibilities  which  pyramid  as  new  de- 
pendents are  added  to  the  family.  Social  agencies  report  periodic  de- 
sertion of  husbands  just  before  the  birth  of  a  new  baby.  The  men 
sometimes  return  when  the  agency  has  paid  the  bills  and  the  economic 
situation  is  stabilized.  It  is  rare  that  a  case  can  be  so  simply  explained. 
Indeed,  in  most  cases  there  exist  in  the  family  before  desertion  bitter 
dissension  and  deep  emotional  tensions.7  The  immediate  economic 
pressures  aggravate  a  situation  which  is  already  tense  and  which  may 
precipitate  action  causing  the  man  to  flee.  Because  the  deserter  so 
often  returns,  desertion  has  been  called  a  vacation  from  marriage,  a 
"breather,"  during  which  each  party  has  the  chance  to  think  the  matter 
over.8 

Although  desertion  may  be  the  solution  to  a  personal  problem  for 
the  deserter,  it  leaves  all  the  complications  of  a  family  crisis  in  its  wake. 
The  family  members,  after  the  first  desertion  at  least,  are  unable  to  find 

6  Ray  E.  Baber,  Marriage  and  the  Family  (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1939), 
p.  481. 

7  Almost  70  per  cent  of  desertions  studied  in  1949  by  Zuckerman  occurred  in 
the  first  ten  years  of  marriage,  op.  cit.,  p.  84. 

8  Ruth  S.  Cavan,  The  Family  (New  York:  Crowell,  1942),  p.  287. 


264  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

any  ready-made  solution  to  their  difficulties.  Added  to  the  economic 
embarrassment  occasioned  by  loss  of  support  is  the  threat  to  family 
pride  and  to  family  integrity.  The  children  feel  a  psychological  let- 
down and  will  interpret  the  father's  departure  as  rejection,  particularly 
if  they  loved  him.  The  mother  may  rightly  interpret  it  as  a  reflection 
on  her  personal  attractiveness.  The  seeds  for  demoralization  are  sown 
with  every  member  of  the  family.  The  deserted  family  is  ripe  for  dis- 
organization, and  is  often  unable  to  bring  about  a  reorganization  be- 
cause of  the  refusal  to  admit  that  the  situation  is  permanent.  Thou- 
sands eke  out  a  living  at  a  submarginal  level  for  several  weeks  or  months 
or  years  before  reporting  to  a  welfare  agency,  hoping  against  hope  that 
a  reunion  will  be  possible  to  restore  things  as  they  were. 


Infidelity 

One  of  the  least  understood  yet  most  discussed  crises  in  family  life  is 
marital  infidelity.  Like  desertion  it  represents  a  solution  of  a  personal 
problem  for  one  member  while  creating  a  family  crisis  for  the  others. 

Few  crises  are  filled  with  more  insecurity  and  sense  of  loss  in  a  mar- 
riage than  that  involved  when  "the  other  woman"  or  her  male  counter- 
part breaks  the  sense  of  unity  so  important  to  marital  solidarity.  The 
fear  of  faithlessness  haunts  many  married  people  and  is  especially  under- 
standable when  the  members  of  a  pair  are  separated  for  long  periods  of 
time.  The  triangle  rarely  fits  into  a  family  circle.  Even  when  popular 
opinion  tended  to  be  lenient  in  allowing  a  man  to  sow  his  wild  oats,  to 
have  his  fling,  to  go  gaily  through  his  dangerous  forties  and  his  treacher- 
ous fifties,  his  "poor  little  wife"  was  pitied  as  deeply  as  though  she  had 
been  bereaved.  Friends  and  neighbors  watched  to  see  how  she  was 
taking  it.  Her  loss  was  accentuated  by  a  keen  sense  of  inadequacy  and 
shame,  for  hadn't  she  failed  to  hold  her  man? 

With  the  explosion  of  the  myth  that  "men  are  built  that  way,"  con- 
stancy has  tended  to  be  more  widely  expected  of  husbands.  But  the 
emancipation  of  women  has  been  misinterpreted  by  some  wives  as  li- 
cense and  has  made  infidelity  a  double-edged  sword  that  cuts  both  ways. 
Acceptance  of  woman's  new  freedom  requires  a  whole  new  definition  of 
our  sex  mores  so  that  free  interchange  between  people  of  both  sexes  may 
be  possible  socially,  industrially,  professionally,  politically,  intellectually, 
and  financially  without  threatening  the  unique  emotional  sphere  of 


WHEN    CRISES    COME 


265 


the  marriage  relationship.    This  transition  involves  redefining  what  is 
"right"  and  what  is  "wrong"  in  many  areas  of  common  experience. 

The  check  test  below  will  enable  you  to  test  the  findings  discussed 
in  Chapter  Seven,  "Does  Morality  Make  Sense?"    Grandfather  would 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Try  out  your  own  feelings  about  the  following  situations  by  check- 

ing all  right,  it  depends,  questionable,  or  wrong  the  conduct  of  the 
key  person  in  the  situation. 


ALL 
RIGHT 


IT 
DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


1  A  married  secretary  works  late  to  get  out  some  important 
letters  for  her  boss.  He  sends  out  for  sandwiches  which 
they  eat  together  at  her  desk.  No  one  else  is  in  the  office 
at  the  time  except  the  cleaning  woman. 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT      DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE       WRONG 


2  A  married  woman  doctor  spends  one  night  a  week  at  a 
clinic  in  a  poor  section  of  town.  It  has  been  customary 
for  some  time  for  one  of  her  colleagues  (a  married  man 
physician )  to  drive  her  home  when  they  are  both  through 
at  the  clinic. 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT      DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE       WRONG 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT         DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


3  A  woman  whose  husband  spends  weeks  at  a  time  in 
Washington  on  business  has  taken  in  an  older  man  war 
worker  as  a  roomer.  No  one  else  lives  in  the  home  ex- 
cept her  year-old  child. 


4  A  married  enlisted  man  who  hasn't  been  home  in  over  a 
year  is  stationed  near  an  urban  servicemen's  center.  He 
has  become  acquainted  with  a  hostess  there,  whose  apart- 
ment he  visited  for  dinner  recently. 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT      DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


5  A  woman  whose  husband  is  overseas  met  one  of  his  old 
friends  recently  while  lunching  downtown.  He  accepted 
her  invitation  to  stay  and  have  lunch  with  her  as  they 
talked  of  her  husband's  work  and  interest.  As  he  left 
her  at  the  conclusion  of  the  luncheon,  he  invited  her  to 
come  out  and  see  his  family  soon. 


266 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT        DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE       WRONG 


6  A  man  and  a  woman  (both  married  but  not  to  each 
other)  have  jobs  as  inspectors  that  involve  their  traveling 
together  a  great  deal  by  car.  Frequently  they  are  gone 
from  home  for  days  at  a  time.  When  away  from  home, 
they  stay  in  hotels  near  the  plant  they  are  visiting.  She 
registers  under  her  own  married  name  and  occupies  a  sep- 
arate room. 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT      DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


7  A  singer  whose  home  is  in  Connecticut  must  spend  two 
or  three  nights  a  week  in  town  at  her  work.  It  is  often 
necessary  for  her  to  work  with  her  agent  (a  married  man) 
and  her  accompanist  (an  attractive  young  bachelor)  at 
her  New  York  apartment  in  the  evening.  It  is  not  al- 
ways possible  for  her  husband  to  be  present  on  the  nights 
she  must  remain  in  town. 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT         DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


ALL  IT 

RIGHT        DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


8  A  farmer's  wife  is  alone  with  the  hired  man  in  the  house 
every  Saturday  night  while  her  husband  takes  stock  to 
market  (an  all  night  job). 


9  An  unusually  talented  nurse  is  unable  to  continue  her  pro- 
fessional work  now  that  she  is  married  because  her  hus- 
band does  not  trust  her  with  "all  those  good-looking 
young  doctors." 


ALL 
RIGHT 


IT 
DEPENDS 


QUES- 
TIONABLE      WRONG 


10  A  woman  whose  husband  handles  legal  cases  for  a  large 
feminine  clientele  insists  that  there  always  be  a  third  per- 
son present  when  her  husband  is  on  a  case.  She  threat- 
ens to  divorce  him  if  she  ever  finds  that  he  has  been  with 
a  woman  alone  anywhere  at  any  time. 


undoubtedly  check  more  of  the  situations  as  "questionable"  or  "wrong" 
than  would  members  of  our  generation.  The  customs  on  which  our 
codes  of  morality  are  based  require  a  liberal  use  of  insight  into  the 
consequences  of  behavior  before  applying  them  to  specific  situations 
like  those  above.  Loyalty  and  fidelity  are  unusually  hard  to  define  in  a 
world  of  changing  values.  Using  the  aids  already  given  in  the  afore- 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  267 

mentioned  chapter,  however,  one  should  be  able  to  work  out  satisfactory 
answers  to  questions  of  marital  fidelity. 

If  we  interpret  fidelity  narrowly,  as  many  people  do,  to  make  the 
appearance  of  evil  equivalent  to  the  thing  itself,  any  situation  which 
looks  as  though  it  might  be  compromising  would  be  interpreted  as  in- 
fidelity. Chaperons  were  provided  to  supply  complete  surveillance  in 
the  dim  past  when  infidelity  was  suspected  in  any  situation  in  which 
extramarital  sex  experience  might  take  place.  Again,  if  we  were  to 
brand  as  evidence  of  infidelity  all  expressions  of  affection  for  anyone 
other  than  the  spouse,  we  should  also  run  into  a  dilemma.  The  normal 
person  becomes  genuinely  fond  of  a  great  many  friends  and  associates 
of  both  sexes.  Is  a  person  faithless  who  feels  genuine  affection  for  many 
fine  people? 

When  we  interpret  loyalty,  however,  as  mutual  trust  in  each  other 
and  as  faith  in  the  marriage  itself,  neither  the  detective  role  called  forth 
by  the  first  definition  nor  the  uncertainty  inspired  by  the  second  is  in- 
volved. The  blow  falls  only  if  we  find  that  our  faith  and  trust  have  not 
been  justified.  It  is  only  then  that  a  crisis  is  said  to  occur.  There  is  no 
crisis  if  there  is  no  problem,  or  if  the  family  members  are  equipped  to 
meet  whatever  problem  arises  with  their  present  resources. 

Why,  Then,  Faithlessness?  Infidelity  may  almost  always  be  seen  as  a 
symptom  of  unmet  affectional  need.  The  nature  of  the  unmet  need 
varies  from  couple  to  couple.  Infidelity  on  the  part  of  the  husband 
may  be  an  attempt  to  prove  his  manliness,  or  it  may  be  a  revolt  against 
his  conscience,9  or  again  a  method  of  working  out  little-understood  im- 
pulses stemming  from  childhood  experiences.  The  other  woman  may 
represent  a  refuge  from  an  overprotecting  wife,  or  she  may  be  a  means 
of  attacking  the  wife.  Extramarital  affairs  grow  out  of  the  same  attrac- 
tion a  forbidden  piece  of  candy  has  for  a  hungry,  undisciplined  child  — 
further  proof  of  the  importance  of  emotional  maturity  in  marriage. 
Monogamous  marriage  requires  that  the  participants  be  sufficiently  ma- 
ture to  find  in  their  relationship  the  satisfaction  of  their  basic  needs. 

The  Crisis  of  Infidelity.  The  act  of  infidelity  by  itself  may  be  relatively 
unimportant  to  the  stability  of  the  marriage.  It  is  the  interpretation  of 
the  infidelity  which  the  couple  make  that  introduces  panic  into  the  rela- 
tion; what  the  participants  see  as  the  motive  behind  the  defection  is 

9  See  the  discussion  of  "How  Conscience  Develops,"  pp.  135-137. 


268  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

more  important  than  the  act  itself.  To  some  couples  the  slightest  flir- 
tation may  prove  calamitous,  because  it  symbolizes  much  more  than 
that  to  them.  Others  may  tolerate  without  anxiety  considerable  swap- 
ping of  partners  and  promiscuity  in  relations.  A  complicating  factor  in 
the  interpretation  of  flirtations  and  unorthodox  behavior  with  others  is 
the  health  of  the  spouse.  When  he  is  bedridden,  a  man  eyes  his  wife's 
recreational  activities  much  more  narrowly  than  when  he  is  on  his  feet. 
Pregnant  women  are  frequently  suspectible  to  jealousy  and  read  infidel- 
ity into  situations  where  none  exists.  Jealousy  is  the  product  of  in- 
security and  fear  —  the  anxiety  produced  when  one  senses  the  possible 
loss  of  a  love  object.  Unfortunately  for  the  aggrieved  person,  jealousy 
may  drive  the  mate  into  acts  of  infidelity  which  originally  he  may  not 
have  intended. 

What  to  Do?  Meeting  the  crisis  of  infidelity  with  the  necessary  under- 
standing leads  couples  so  threatened  to  marriage  counselors  and  similar 
professional  advisers.  A  good  counselor  can  relieve  the  pain  of  the  mo- 
ment and  can  often  deal  with  the  underlying  causes  of  the  infidelity, 
the  unmet  needs  and  frustrations  of  the  couple.  Seeing  infidelity  as  a 
symptom  needing  treatment  is  a  more  scientific  answer  to  the  question 
of  what  shall  be  done  about  it  than  has  heretofore  been  given.  Such  a 
patient  platitude  as  "give  and  forgive,"  or  the  self-righteous  assumption 
that  evidence  of  infidelity  should  always  be  promptly  punished  with 
separation  and  divorce,  fails  to  meet  the  issues  and  introduces  no  satis- 
factory readjustment  or  reorganization  to  the  marriage.  Even  when  the 
other  affair  has  gone  so  far  that  the  salvage  of  the  marriage  is  impos- 
sible, the  abandoned  mate  may  be  helped  by  counseling  to  understand 
what  has  happened  so  that  his  or  her  resources  may  be  mobilized  for 
building  life  stronger  from  then  on. 

Death  as  a  Family  Crisis 

As  it  must  come  to  every  man.  .  .  . 

Of  all  the  crises  which  afflict  a  family  none  is  more  sure  to  occur  and 
none  receives  less  advance  preparation  than  death.  Its  discussion  is  dis- 
couraged in  our  society,  and  anyone  who  mentions  seriously  the  possi- 
bility of  death  entering  his  family  is  shunned  as  a  bit  morbid.  Death 
as  a  subject  of  conversation  is  almost  as  taboo  today  as  was  sex  fifty 
years  ago.  Today  we  prepare  our  children  for  the  shock  of  the  birth  of 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  269 

a  brother  or  sister,  for  the  newness  of  the  first  day  at  school,  and,  in  the 
case  of  a  girl,  for  her  first  menstruation,  but  to  prepare  children  for 
death  in  the  family  is  almost  unheard  of.  There  is  no  program  of  death 
education  to  cushion  the  shock  of  this  universal  crisis.  Not  only  chil- 
dren, but  adults  as  well,  are  shielded  from  the  realities  —  mothers  are 
not  told  when  their  children  are  dying  —  patients  afflicted  fatally  are 
not  prepared  for  the  event  that  is  a  certainty.10  Until  recently  it  was 
bad  taste  for  picture  magazines  to  show  pictures  of  actual  battle  dead. 
In  sum,  there  is  virtually  no  preparation  for  the  emotional  shock  that 
accompanies  the  death  of  a  dear  one.  For  that  reason  death  is  fre- 
quently a  personal  as  well  as  a  family  crisis. 

The  importance  of  death  as  a  personal  crisis  lies  not  primarily  in  the 
fact  of  dying  or  ceasing  to  exist  biologically,  but  in  the  emotional  shock 
which  follows  the  break  in  the  unity  of  the  family.  Two  things  hap- 
pen to  the  member  who  is  closely  identified  with  his  family:  i.  he 
senses  that  the  circle  is  broken  and  that  the  family  is  threatened  with 
dissolution  (What  will  ever  happen  to  us,  now  that  mother  has  gone?); 
2.  he  senses  that  a  part  of  himself  as  a  person  has  been  cut  off,  ampu- 
tated, so  to  speak.  The  closer  the  identification  with  the  deceased,  the 
more  distressing  is  the  sense  of  personal  loss. 

The  Shock  Varies.  The  situation  is  eased  considerably  for  family 
members  who  have  left  the  parental  home  and  have  established  families 
of  their  own.  The  emotional  dependence  which  existed  before  their 
departure  from  their  childhood  home  has  been  replaced  by  relative  in- 
dependence, and  the  sense  of  loss  is  diminished  accordingly.  The  pass- 
ing away  of  relatives,  even  brothers  and  sisters,  brings  less  grief  than  the 
loss  of  parents  with  whom  one  is  emotionally  more  closely  identified. 
To  make  one  further  comparison,  it  might  be  safe  to  say  that  the  ma- 
ture independent  adult  normally  senses  greater  pangs  of  grief  at  the  loss 
of  husband  or  wife  or  child  than  at  the  loss  of  a  parent  from  whom  he 
has  won  independence. 

In  general,  death  following  a  long-drawn-out  illness  brings  less  shock 
than  sudden  death  for  which  no  preparation  can  be  made.  Much  of 
the  mourning  occurs  in  the  period  of  illness  as  the  relatives  vacillate  be- 
tween acceptance  of  the  loss  of  the  loved  one  and  wishful  thinking  that 
a  cure  can  be  found.  Gradually,  as  the  medical  evidence  piles  up,  the 

10  Cavan,  The  Family,  p.  317. 


270  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

negative  prognosis  is  accepted,  and  the  parties  assimilate  the  idea  of 
permanently  losing  the  afflicted  one.  As  accommodation  to  the  idea  of 
losing  part  of  one's  self  takes  place,  the  afflicted  one  becomes  an  object 
of  pity  rather  than  a  symbol  of  personal  loss.  It  is  at  that  point  that  the 
expression  may  be  heard,  "I  hope  his  suffering  will  soon  be  over." 

In  time  of  war,  bereavement  is  lightened  to  some  extent  by  the  pub- 
lic recognition  achieved  and  by  the  realization  that  others  face  equal  or 
worse  crises.  Although  the  hole  that  any  one  person  leaves  can  never  be 
completely  filled,  there  is  less  of  a  break  in  family  unity,  because  the 
other  members  have  already  made  some  adjustment  to  the  absence  of 
the  member  at  the  time  he  entered  the  armed  services.  The  shock  is 
lessened  by  the  presence  of  neighbors  and  friends  who  offer  understand- 
ing and  genuine  comfort.  Moreover,  death  in  wartime  is  given  purpose 
and  made  meaningful  both  at  home  and  in  the  war  zones.  In  their  ad- 
justment, family  members  plunge  into  the  common  task  with  renewed 
determination  to  bring  to  fulfillment  the  goals  for  which  he  died. 

On  the  other  hand,  bereavement  in  time  of  war  is  the  less  bearable 
because  the  victims  are  taken  in  the  prime  of  life.  The  uncertainty  of 
death  in  a  "missing  in  action"  notice  leads  family  members  to  dis- 
believe later  notices  of  death.  For  some  people,  only  the  rites  of  death 
serve  as  corroborators  of  fact,  and  the  overseas  death  is  hard  to  realize. 
When  the  body  is  not  in  evidence,  it  is  easier  to  convert  grief  into  dis- 
belief.11 

To  the  person  away  from  home  who  loses  a  member  of  his  family 
the  bereavement  may  be  very  difficult.  He  may  feel  for  a  time  that  the 
bottom  has  fallen  out  of  life.  He  will  miss  the  relief  which  comes  in 
joining  with  relatives  and  friends  in  mourning.  He  finds  that  a  part  of 
himself  as  a  person  may  no  longer  be  responded  to  and  that  there  is  all 
too  little  help  in  healing  the  wound.  Every  opportunity  should  be 
taken  to  talk  about  the  loved  one  with  ministers,  counselors,  and  others 
who  are  professionally  trained  to  listen  and  understand.  Letters  home 
can  draw  off  the  overflow  of  emotions  if  one  can  express  himself  on  pa- 
per and  has  the  courage  to  let  himself  cry  during  the  process  whenever 
he  feels  like  it.  Weeping  has  already  been  mentioned  as  an  effective 
tension-dispelling  device.  A  person  in  mourning  should  allow  himself 
the  same  privileges  in  the  interest  of  recovery. 

11  Thomas  D.  Eliot,  "  -  of  the  Shadow  of  Death,"  The  Annals  of  the  Ameri- 
can Academy  of  Political  and  Social  Science,  Vol.  229  (September,  1943),  p.  94. 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  271 

F/rsf  Reactions.  Even  when  anticipated,  the  actual  death  of  a  be- 
loved person  comes  as  a  shock,  and  the  first  reaction  is  usually  one 
of  disbelief.  A  numbness  comes  over  the  bereaved  and  acts  as  a  buf- 
fer to  protect  him  from  a  shock  that  is  too  devastating  to  absorb  all 
at  once.  It  is  quite  common  for  persons  to  feel  that  the  entire  experi- 
ence is  a  dream,  unreal,  and  that  they  will  awake  to  find  things  as  they 
were. 

The  apparent  calmness  of  the  bereaved  mourners  immediately  after 
receipt  of  the  news  is  often  a  detachment  cultivated  to  protect  the  self 
from  the  total  reality.  It  may  represent  a  repression  of  the  news  into 
the  nether  depths  of  the  mind,  where  conflict  may  rage  at  great  emo- 
tional expense  to  the  individual.  As  realization  intrudes  upon  con- 
sciousness, periods  of  uncontrolled  abandon  may  appear,  with  weeping, 
cursing,  self-blame,  even  self-injury.  Accompanying  these  reactions  is 
the  longing  for  that  part  of  the  self  which  has  been  amputated:  the  be- 
loved, now  irrevocably  departed,  is  relinquished  with  the  greatest  re- 
luctance. The  mind  will  play  strange  tricks  on  the  bereaved  —  he  will 
hear  the  voice  of  the  departed,  sense  the  presence  of  the  other,  and 
dream  that  they  are  together  again.  Clothing,  mementos,  locks  of  hair 
of  the  deceased,  will  be  preserved  as  symbols  to  summon  the  presence 
of  the  departed.  In  extremity,  the  mourner  may  in  his  despondence  be 
impelled  to  commit  suicide  to  rejoin  the  other.  These  are  first  reactions 
which  carry  on  after  the  rites  of  the  funeral  period  are  over.  The  rou- 
tines of  the  mortuary,  of  funeral  and  burial,  serve  to  dispel  the  illusions 
of  disbelief  and  to  channelize  the  emotions  into  approved  lines.  The 
rituals  of  funeral  and  burial  are  performed  by  professionals  who  take 
the  responsibilities  off  the  hands  of  the  bereaved,  yet  give  them  the 
maximum  opportunity  for  undisturbed  grief. 

In  contrast  to  the  well-defined  routines  of  the  funeral  is  the  lack  of 
definition  for  readjustment  afterward.  The  professional  undertaker  re- 
tires from  the  scene,  and  no  other  professional  person  enters  to  aid  the 
members  of  the  family  in  the  next  phase  of  their  readjustment.  Each 
family  is  left  more  or  less  to  shift  for  itself,  with  occasional  help  and  ad- 
vice from  well-meaning  relatives  and  friends.  The  family  members  are 
urged  to  resume  normal  activities  as  soon  as  possible  —  no  time  is  al- 
lowed in  our  society  for  unnecessary  show  of  grief,  although  it  is  not 
considered  good  taste  for  a  widow  or  widower  to  remarry  in  less  than  a 
year's  time  after  the  funeral.  Three  days'  sick  leave  are  allowed  the 


272  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

worker  in  civil  service  positions  for  funeral  and  mourning.    He  is  ex- 
pected back  at  work  after  that.    Life  must  go  on! 

Trial  and  Error  Adjustments.  The  first  reactions  to  death  are  largely 
protective,  designed  to  save  the  personality  from  serious  damage.  Even- 
tually the  bereaved  seeks  to  assimilate  the  realities  and  makes  trial  and 
error  attempts  to  pick  up  the  threads  of  normal  living.  There  are  alter- 
nate periods  of  plunging  into  work  and  activity  and  of  lassitude  and  de- 
pression. As  time  passes,  periods  of  activity  become  longer  and  the 
periods  of  depression  become  shorter  and  less  frequent.  During  the 
person's  attempts  to  arrive  at  some  pattern  of  stabilized  behavior, 
he  finds  it  necessary  to  force  himself  to  respond  to  people,  to  children, 
and  to  his  work.  He  resumes  his  duties  with  great  effort  at  first,  but 
gradually  the  routines  are  assumed  and  he  rejoins  the  workaday  world. 
There  are  also  during  this  period  frequent  attempts  to  secure  attention 
through  wearing  mourning  symbols  —  the  desire  to  tell  of  troubles 
to  others  is  evident.  There  is  much  sharing  of  fate  with  children  and 
friends. 

Back  in  Life's  Channel.  As  a  reward  for  the  many  trial  and  error  at- 
tempts at  resuming  normal  activities,  a  new  life  organization  will  de- 
velop, and  the  bereaved  will  achieve  the  permanence  and  stability  of 
settled  living.  The  bereaved  has  accepted  the  death  of  the  beloved  and 
has  made  the  experience  a  part  of  his  personality,  instead  of  walling  it 
off  and  struggling  against  it.  He  is  now  able  to  resume  relationships 
with  others  and  may  even  substitute  these  relationships  for  those  he  had 
with  the  deceased.  Religion  is  often  a  major  source  of  support  at  this 
time,  as  we  shall  show  in  Chapter  Nineteen. 

One  of  the  characteristics  of  the  recovery  is  the  emphasis  upon  par- 
ticipation in  activities,  upon  entering  into  community  services  and  other 
socially  approved  endeavors.  If  the  deceased  was  active  in  any  of  these 
there  is  often  an  identification  by  the  mourner  in  carrying  on  the  work 
the  other  had  started.12 

Successful  recovery  from  bereavement  means  gradual  relaxation  of  its 
tensions  and  frustrations  in  favor  of  some  more  satisfactory  or  at  least  toler- 
able patterns  of  behavior.  The  bereaved  find  someone  else  through  whom 

12  Adapted  from  David  Martin  Fulcomer,  'The  Adjustive  Behavior  of  Some 
Recently  Bereaved  Spouses"  (doctoral  dissertation,  ms.,  Northwestern  University, 
1042),  quoted  in  Eliot,  "  —  of  the  Shadow  of  Death,"  pp.  88-Q2. 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  273 

they  can  satisfy  their  affectional  needs:  or  they  find  religious  beliefs  which 
fully  reconcile  them;  or  they  reabsorb  their  energies  and  redevote  their  af- 
fections in  some  life  work  as  an  alternate  channel;  or  they  assume  the  role 
of  the  deceased  or  project  his  personality  by  some  conspicuous  service  in  his 
name,  or  through  creation  of  some  appropriate  and  constructive  memorial. 
Even  gradual  relaxing  through  forgetting  .  .  .  may  produce  successful  re- 
covery. .  .  . 

.  .  .  One  may  never  feel  a  decision  to  take  up  life  again:  it  is,  in  a  sense, 
life  which  takes  one  up  again.  Mourning  may  never  be  absolutely  finished, 
but  it  gradually  approaches  zero  as  a  limit.13 


CHECK   YOURSELF  When  condolences  cease  to  arrive  and  the  world  moves  on,  there  is 

apt  to  be  a  slump  in  the  adjustment  process.  Which  of  the  follow- 
ing are  evidences  of  successful  and  which  ot  unsuccessful  recovery 
from  bereavement? 

Successful       Unsuccessful 
1   Grief  comes  to  be  enjoyed  for  the  attention  it  brings. 

2  Energies  and  affections  are  reabsorbed  in  some  life  work. 

3  The  goals  of  the  deceased  are  assumed  in  part  by  the  be- 
reaved. 

4  Religion  is  abandoned  because  of  failure  to  bring  comfort. 

5  Gradual  relaxing  occurs  through  forgetting. 

6  Place  at  the  table  is  set  for  the  return  of  the  deceased. 

7  Ability  is  developed  to  talk  about  the  deceased  with  warmth 
and  appreciation  unmixed  with  pain  and  self-pity. 


*  KEY        9  >  'I  :|njs$aaDnsun     L  'S  '€  'Z  MnJssaD:>nS 


Ways  of  Meeting  Family  Crises 

The  family  may  be  said  to  face  a  crisis  when  it  meets  a  situation  for 
which  there  is  neither  a  ready  solution  from  past  experience  nor  an  im- 
mediate answer  forthcoming  from  family  members.  Individual  families 
face  the  crises  of  sudden  poverty,  infidelity,  desertion,  and  bereavement 
in  many  ways.  By  way  of  summary  we  show  next,  in  greatly  tele- 
scoped form,  the  steps  which  family  members  take  in  the  tedious  proc- 
ess of  adjustment  to  any  one  of  the  major  crises  we  have  discussed: 14 

13  Thomas  D.  Eliot,  "Bereavement:  Inevitable  but  Not  Insurmountable,"  in 
Becker  and  Hill  (eds.),  op.  cit.,  p.  664. 

14  Modified  and  adapted  from  a  chart  developed  by  Eliot,  "Handling  Family 
Strains  and  Shocks,"  Becker  and  Hill  (eds.),  op.  cit.,  pp.  637-638. 


274  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

First,  comes  the  news  of  the  event,  followed  by: 

Second,  prompt  recognition  of  the  facts  or  refusal  to  believe  its  actuality, 
failure  to  face  facts,  and 

Third,  prompt,  realistic  action  in  the  emergency  or  escape  mechanisms  such 
as  fainting,  suicide,  running  away,  drinking,  tantrums,  or  violence; 

Fourth,  a  period  of  rationalization,  of  fixing  the  blame,  of  clearing  the  self 
of  responsibility,  after  the  immediate  situation  has  been  met  in  some  way, 
to  protect  the  ego. 

Fifth,  a  struggle  to  attain  a  livable  balance,  a  trial  and  error  search  for  solu- 
tions; depending  on  the  previous  ways  of  meeting  crises  the  person  will 
follow  one  or  another  of  the  major  patterns  of  readjustment  below: 

a.  Escape:  e.g.,  desertion,  divorce,  suicide,  enlistment,  dependency,  de- 
lusions, drink,  drugs,  distractions,  vice. 

b.  Submission  or  defense:  e.g.,  apathy,  resignation,  religion. 

c.  Compensatory  efforts  within  the  existing  and  accessible  resources  of 
the  family's  members: 

1  Redoubled  work. 

2  Substitution  of  new  channels  of  income,  affection,  energy. 

3  Persuasion. 

4  Appeal  to  others  for  help:  relatives,  church,  charity,  clinics,  relief, 
etc. 

Sixth,  attainment  of  a  final  adjustment  and  solution  of  problems  by  the  in- 
telligent use  of  new  resources  and  the  renewal  of  routines  consistent  with 
the  new  situation,  enabling  a  new  life  organization  to  emerge  — a  re- 
establishment  of  stable  habits,  self-control,  reorganized  economic  life, 
and  normal  social  life  —  for  those  who  do  not  find  permanent  adjustment 
in  one  of  the  phases  of  stage  five. 

Selected  Readings 

CAVAN,  RUTH,  The  Family  (New  York:  Crowell,  1942),  Part  III. 

DUVALL,  EVELYN  MiLLis,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1950),  Chap.  13,  "Love  Out  of  Bounds." 

DUVALL,  SYLVANUS  M.,  Men,  Women,  and  Morals  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1952),  chaps.  7  and  8. 

HARKNESS,  MARJORY  GANE,  "Notes  on  Being  a  Widow,"  Atlantic  Monthly 
(November,  1935),  Vol.  156,  No.  5. 

KOOS,  E.  L.,  Families  in  Trouble  (New  York:  King's  Crown  Press,  1946). 

LEVY,  JOHN,  AND  MUNROE,  RUTH,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf, 
1938),  Chap.  3. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  Part  VI. 


WHEN    CRISES    COME  275 

Technical  References 

ANGELL,  ROBERT  c.,  The  Family  Encounters  the  Depression  (New  York: 
Scribner,  1936). 

BAKKE,  E.  WRIGHT,  The  Unemployed  Worker  (New  Haven:  Yale  University 
Press,  1940). 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  "The  Sorrow  of  Bereavement,"  Journal  of  Abnormal  and 
Social  Psychology  (January-March,  1933),  Vol.  27,  pp.  391-410. 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN  (EDS.),  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parent- 
hood (Boston:  Heath,  1948),  especially  chaps.  21-22. 

CAVAN,  RUTH,  AND  RANCK,  KATHERiNE,  The  Family  and  the  Depression  (Chi- 
cago: University  of  Chicago,  1938). 

ELIOT,  THOMAS  D.,  "War  Bereavements  and  Their  Recovery,"  Marriage  and 
Family  Living  (February,  1946),  Vol.  8,  pp.  1—6. 

FRITZ,  M.  A.,  "A  Study  of  Widowhood,"  Sociology  and  Social  Research 
(July-August,  1930),  Vol.  14,  pp.  553-559. 

HILL,  REUBEN,  Families  under  Stress  (New  York:  Harper,  1949). 

KOMAROVSKY,  MIRRA,  The  Unemployed  Man  and  His  Family  (New  York: 
Dryden,  1940). 

SHAND,  ALEXANDER,  The  Foundations  of  Character  (London:  Macmillan, 
1914),  pp.  301-369. 


CHAPTER  FOURTEEN 


\ 


The  Mention  of  the  Possibility  of  nivorc& 


FACTS  AND   FEELINGS  ABOUT  DIVORCE 

Why  do  people  who  talk  so  much  about  getting  a  divorce  take  so  long  to 

make  up  their  minds? 

Is  it  true  that  you  have  to  make  a  pretense  of  fighting  a  divorce  in  court  even 

if  you  both  want  it? 
Do  people  who  get  a  divorce  live  happily  ever  after? 


O,  YOU  SEE  I  HAVE  DECIDED  TO  LET  HIM   HAVE  A  DIVORCE."   THIS 

was  the  concluding  sentence  in  Jane  Black's  letter  to  her  brother  John 
about  her  marital  difficulties. 

John  Barton  leaned  back  in  his  chair  and  puffed  away  at  his  pipe. 
What  had  there  been  in  this  marriage  of  Jane's  which  was  so  different 
from  the  marital  felicity  of  his  other  sisters?  The  union  had  been 
teetering  from  the  start  but,  because  of  the  five  children,  had  lasted 
twenty-two  quarrelsome  years. 

Now  it  looks  as  if  divorce  is  a  certainty.  "Eric  comes  home  and 
switches  on  the  radio,  then  quick  switches  it  off  loudly  to  remind  me 
that  I  objected  six  months  ago  to  a  certain  program-— he  has  never 
since  listened  to  the  radio  in  my  presence.  He  used  to  make  cracks  at 
me  for  listening  to  the  radio  serials  and  claimed  the  announcers  sounded 
like  oafish  clucks.  Then  for  about  two  years  he  would  leave  the  radio 
on  all  the  time  himself,  day  and  night  —  no  discrimination  whatsoever. 
I  can't  seem  to  please  him  and  I  swear  I'm  not  going  to  try  any  longer. 
He  has  fixed  it  so  I  only  get  $500  insurance  if  he  dies;  the  rest  goes  to 
the  children.  The  other  day  he  said  his  brother  had  the  right  idea,  he 
got  rid  of  his  first  wife.  And  I  told  him  his  brother  also  got  rid  of  his 


278  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

second  and  third  and  wasn't  happy  yet.  He  glared  at  me  and  swore  he 
wouldn't  live  with  me  the  rest  of  his  life;  life  was  too  short.  I  told  him 
I  would  be  happier  if  he  started  his  lawyer  at  work  on  the  divorce  right 
away  but  he  wouldn't  get  the  children,  if  I  had  to  carry  the  case  to  the 
Supreme  Court.  He  shut  up  like  a  clam  and  hasn't  spoken  to  me  since 
and  that  was  three  weeks  ago." 

John's  difficulty  in  diagnosing  his  sister's  troubles  is  understandable. 
Marriages  which  end  in  divorce  are  not  greatly  different  from  some 
which  persist  until  death.  There  are  marriages  which  never  see  a  di- 
vorce court  but  in  which  the  atmosphere  is  much  more  hostile  than  in 
homes  about  to  be  broken.  Conflict  is  not  unique  to  unhappy  mar- 
riages but  is  present  in  all  homes.  Much  of  the  contention  is  normal 
and  understandable,  indeed  almost  inevitable,  if  marriage  is  to  function 
as  a  release  from  tensions.  Only  perfectionists  would  consider  the 
bickering  of  family  members  resulting  from  the  inevitable  collision  of 
wishes  as  evidence  of  intolerably  unhappy  marriage. 

Many  divorces  occur  between  ostensibly  congenial  couples  who  may 
only  have  needed  help  at  one  point  to  work  out  misunderstandings 
which  they  were  emotionally  incapable  of  handling  alone.  (Remember 
the  case  of  the  doctor  and  his  wife  who  profited  so  greatly  from  marital 
counseling,  p.  250.)  Another  reason  for  the  similarity  between  mar- 
riages which  persist  and  those  which  end  in  divorce  is  the  fact  that 
many  marriages  which  are  chronically  unhappy  don't  break  up.  These 
produce  psychologically  if  not  legally  broken  homes,  which  are  quite  as 
devastating  on  the  personality  of  children.  There  are,  therefore,  mar- 
riages which  might  better  be  dissolved  by  divorce,  and  there  are  mar- 
riages which  have  been  broken  by  divorce  but  might  have  been  salvaged 
by  a  marital  counselor. 

Causes  of  Divorce 

The  search  for  causes  of  divorce  has  been  a  popular  quest,  and  the  con- 
clusions vary  from  the  simple  theory  of  temptation  by  the  Evil  One  to 
the  complex  theories  of  the  sociologists  and  psychiatrists. 

The  most  popular  explanation  of  divorce  by  the  general  public  is  the 
moralistic  one.  The  marriage  has  been  solemnized  and  sanctified  and 
the  couple  are  living  in  blessed  righteousness,  when  one  of  the  mates 
commits  an  unpardonable  sin  against  the  marriage.  The  moralists  say 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  279 

that  he  chooses  to  do  it  because  of  a  depraved  will.  No  other  reason  is 
necessary.  The  unpardonable  sin  is,  of  course,  adultery,  which  is  the 
only  bona  fide  ground  for  divorce  among  deeply  moralistic  folk.1 

Economic  Factors  and  Divorce.  A  series  of  studies  have  established  the 
close  relationship  between  low  income  and  high  divorce  rates.  Divorces 
are  disproportionately  found  in  areas  of  high  mobility,  dense  popula- 
tion, low  home  ownership,  high  delinquency,  and  high  proportion  on  re- 
lief, which  are  also  areas  of  low  income.2  Similarly  divorce  varies  sharply 
by  occupational  groupings.  "Proneness  to  divorce"  increases  from  an 
index  of  67.7  for  professional  and  semiprofessional  groups  to  180.3  ^or 
nonfarm  laborers  and  254.7  ^or  serv"ice  workers,  according  to  a  sample 
survey  of  the  Census  Bureau  in  April,  1949-3  Very  much  the  same  pat- 
tern was  found  true  of  a  random  sample  of  divorced  couples  in  Detroit 
by  Goode  in  which  the  unskilled  are  reported  to  have  had  divorce  rates 
roughly  three  times  those  of  the  professional  and  proprietary  classes. 

The  relationship  between  economic  factors  and  divorce  is  more 
subtle  than  the  juxtaposition  of  income  and  divorce  rates  can  possibly 
depict.  In  a  society  in  which  the  living  is  not  made  by  family  members 
working  together,  but  is  earned  by  the  breadwinner,  the  symbolic  char- 
acter of  income  is  magnified.  Conflict  rages  on  the  economic  front 
when  the  interpersonal  relations  in  other  areas  of  life  are  strained.  The 
"theme  of  complaints"  from  research  on  family  difficulties  places 
"money  matters"  in  the  top  position  in  Terman's  list  of  husband-wife 
complaints.4  Economic  strain  is  possibly  greater  in  the  lower  strata  and 
more  likely  to  be  expressed  in  noneconomic  situations  such  as  sex  and 
repudiation  of  marital  responsibilities.  Whereas  the  wife  may  with- 
draw sexual  favors  and  affectional  response,  the  husband  withdraws  eco- 

1  A  major  shortcoming  of  the  moralistic  theory  is  that  very  few  divorces  occur 
as  a  result  of  adultery.     Kinsey's  reports  on  extramarital  intercourse  for  American 
males  places  adultery  in  the  vicinity  of  50  per  cent  of  married  men  interviewed, 
whereas  the  reporting  of  adultery  as  grounds  for  divorce  in  1948  was  only  2.6  per 
cent  of  all  divorces  reported  in  the  twelve  states  making  up  the  area  reporting  di- 
vorce statistics  to  the  National  Office  of  Vital  Statistics.    See  Divorce  and  Annul- 
ment Statistics:  Specified  States,  1948  (Washington:  Federal  Security  Agency,  Au- 
gust 7,  1950),  Vol.  35,  No.  12. 

2  See  summary  of  studies  by  Bossard,  Shroeder,  Weeks,  and  Click  in  the 
article  by  William  J.  Goode,  "Economic  Factors  and  Marital  Stability,"  American 
Sociological  Review  (December,  1951),  Vol.  16,  No.  6,  pp.  803-812. 

8  Ibid.,  p.  805. 

4  Lewis  M.  Terman,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happiness  (New  York: 
McGraw-Hill,  1938),  p.  105,  cited  in  Goode,  op.  cit.,  p.  807. 


280  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

nomic  support  as  the  spiral  of  interpersonal  conflict  reaches  a  climax. 
Goode  points  out  that  this  withdrawal  of  economic  support  is  laden 
with  less  guilt  at  the  lower-class  levels  because  one  of  the  components 
of  the  attitudinal  complex  of  the  lower-class  father  toward  his  children 
is  a  tendency  to  think  of  them  as  belonging  more  to  the  mother  than 
to  himself.  They  are  primarily  her  task  and  responsibility,  and  her  wan- 
ing loyalty  relieves  him  of  at  least  some  of  his  guilt  concerning  the  chil- 
dren. If  she  no  longer  "deserves"  his  support,  then  neither  do  they.5 
These  generalizations  provide  ample  evidence  of  the  complexities  of  the 
interrelationships  of  economic  factors  and  the  phenomenon  of  divorce. 
Closely  related  to  the  economic  as  a  theory  of  divorce  causation  is  the 
explanation  provided  by  social  changes  as  they  affect  family  instability. 
It  bears  close  appraisal  at  this  point. 

Social  Change.  A  theory  of  the  cause  of  divorce  is  that  it  has  in- 
creased with  the  growing  stresses  and  strains  on  the  family.  The  strains 
to  which  the  larger  social  structure  has  been  subjected  have  been  regis- 
tered on  the  family,  which  is  the  smallest  social  unit.  Wherever  the 
family  finds  itself  cut  off  from  the  props  of  social  control  and  social 
pressure,  divorce  increases.  The  shifting  of  population  from  the  influ- 
ences of  stable,  controlled  rural  life  to  the  anonymity  of  the  city  ac- 
counts in  part  for  the  weakening  of  millions  of  family  groupings  in 
America. 

One  expression  of  social  change  has  been  the  improved  opportuni- 
ties for  women  both  in  education  and  in  employment.  Marriage  for 
the  educated  woman  capable  of  earning  her  living  ceases  to  involve 
merely  a  meal  ticket  and  becomes  a  more  companionable,  although  a 
more  precarious,  arrangement.  Women  today  are  economically  more 
independent  and  enjoy  increased  equality  in  the  courts.  These  factors 
explain  in  part  the  greater  ease  with  which  they  obtain  divorces  in  our 
time. 

One  way  to  test  the  theory  that  divorce  is  a  function  of  social  change 
is  to  observe  the  divorce  rate  during  periods  such  as  war  or  revolution, 
when  social  change  reaches  its  zenith.  Inventions  pour  in,  new  ways  of 
life  are  devised  and  accepted,  populations  are  on  the  move,  expediency 
is  the  watchword. 

A  glance  at  the  figure  will  show  that  there  was  a  40  per  cent  increase 

5  Goode,  op.  cit.,  p.  809. 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE 


281 


in  divorce  rates  immediately  following  World  War  I.  In  the  period  of 
prosperity  in  preparing  for  World  War  II  (1938-40)  the  number  of  di- 
vorces reached  a  high  of  one  divorce  for  every  five  marriages.  It  reached 
the  peak  of  one  divorce  for  every  two  and  one  half  marriages  in  1946 
and  in  some  boom  communities  more  divorces  were  recorded  during 
this  period  than  there  were  marriage  licenses  issued. 

The  social  change  theory  explains  why  there  are  more  frequent  di- 
vorces than  there  used  to  be  but  not  why  particular  marriages  are 
broken.  The  breakdown  of  neighborhood  controls,  the  declining  size 
of  the  family,  the  decline  in  the  number  of  hours  spent  together,  and 
the  increasing  mobility  of  people  have  operated  to  make  individual  fam- 
ilies more  susceptible  to  disorganization,  but  these  changes  operate  on 
most  American  marriages  without  producing  equally  divisive  effects. 
We  must  turn  elsewhere  for  the  balance  of  the  explanation. 


RATIO  OF  DIVORCES  IN  EACH  YEAR  TO  AVERAGE  ANNUAL  MARRIAGES 
IN  PRECEDING  10  YEAR  PERIOD  FOR  THE  U.S. 


Ratio  of  divorces 
per  1000  marriages 
400 


300 


200 


100 


1910  1915  1920  1925  1930  1935  1940  1945 

Year 

Metropolitan  Life  Insurance  Company  Statistical  Bulletin,  Vol.  30  (April,  1949). 


1950 


282  WHAT    IT    MEANS   TO    BE    MARRIED 

incompatible  Personalities.  Another  explanation  which  gives  us  some 
clue  to  prediction  is  offered  by  the  marriage  counselors,  the  psycho- 
analysts, and  kindred  psychotherapists.  In  the  early  childhood  experi- 
ences in  the  parental  family  preferences  are  formed  which  make  it  easier 
to  get  along  with  some  persons  than  with  others.  In  a  happy  marriage 
the  partner  must  meet  some  of  the  preferred  childhood  specifications, 
which  often  include  resemblance  to  the  father,  the  mother,  or  in  in- 
dividual cases,  the  favorite  brother  or  sister. 

Unfortunately  we  not  only  form  preferences  in  childhood  but  we 
also  develop  pet  hates  —  for  Jim  Mallory  who  struck  you  when  you  cut 
across  his  lawn,  or  that  old  witch  Cissy  Perkins  who  peevishly  threw 
sticks  at  your  pup!  The  childhood  memories  do  not  lose  their  power  to 
influence  us  as  adults,  although  we  may  come  to  forget  the  source  of  our 
hates.  Marriage  to  an  otherwise  charming  person  who  faintly  reminds 
one  of  a  pet  hate  may  soon,  for  no  other  reason,  prove  intolerable.* 

Patterns  of  dependence  and  aggression  also  appear  to  be  important 
in  achieving  cohesion  in  marriage.  Burgess  and  Wallin  in  their  experi- 
ments in  marital  prediction  are  finding  the  factor  of  interdependence 
important.7  Certain  combinations  of  roles  work  out  well.  A  girl  raised 
to  be  dependent  on  her  father  makes  a  good  partner  for  a  man  raised  to 
assert  himself  in  a  family  in  which  the  father  was  dominant.  On  the 
other  hand,  a  man  who  is  raised  to  be  dependent  on  a  strong  female 
character  may,  if  he  marries  a  dependent  feminine  type  of  woman,  find 
himself  in  trouble.  The  marriage  may  eventually  end  in  divorce  as  they 
struggle  over  who  is  to  be  dependent  upon  whom. 

These  illustrations  may  sound  extreme,  but  they  reveal  quite  clearly 
the  personality  twists  which  make  one  person  bad  company  for  another. 
Because  certain  personalities  are  what  they  are,  there  must  be  conflict 
between  them  as  they  live  together  in  marriage.  The  irritations  go 
deeper  than  the  conscious  mental  states  and  date  back  to  patterns  fixed 
in  early  childhood,  and  for  that  reason  don't  lend  themselves  to  self- 

6  In  order  to  identify  himself  with  the  problem,  the  reader  should  think  back 
over  his  experiences  since  childhood  and  see  what  situations  produced  the  following 
feelings,  common  to  the  members  of  a  divorcing  pair:  (i)  feelings  of  revulsion  in  the 
presence  of  another  person  with  whom  you  were  forced  to  associate  continuously; 
(2)  desire  to  escape  an  intolerable  situation  which  you  were  unable  to  handle  with 
the  resources  you  had  at  hand;  ( 3 )  impulses  to  argue  with  certain  types  of  personali- 
ties no  matter  which  side  of  the  fence  they  were  on,  impulses  to  show  them  up  and 
reveal  their  stupidities. 

7  E.  W.  Burgess  and  Paul  Wallin,  Engagement  and  Marriage  (Philadelphia: 
Lippincott,  1953). 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  283 

doctoring.  The  quarrels  are  of  the  sort  which  never  become  resolved 
and  never  stop,  because  they  are  due  to  blockings  or  repressions  out  of 
the  control  of  the  conscious  mind.  They  concern  little  things  which 
the  couple  have  insufficiently  talked  out  but  which  have  become  so 
much  a  part  of  them  that  they  can  no  longer  stop  quarreling  long 
enough  to  talk  them  out. 

Escape  and  Run.8  What  are  the  differences  between  couples  whose 
quarrels  are  chronic  and  couples  whose  quarrels  become  progressively 
more  bitter  and  destructive?  The  latter  furnish  a  great  number  of  our 
cases  of  divorce  and  separation,  and  an  examination  of  their  make-up 
may  give  us  a  clue  to  the  causes  of  individual  divorces. 

One  difference  is  the  presence  in  one  partner  of  the  desire  to  escape, 
a  desire  strong  enough  to  involve  willingness  to  pay  the  penalties  of  di- 
vorce. This  desire  to  escape  may  be  traced  to  infantile  techniques  of 
handling  situations  by  running  away,  but  is  more  often  the  result  of  the 
shifting  of  love  from  the  spouse  back  upon  himself.  From  a  normal 
heterosexual  attachment  a  narcistic  self-love  is  produced  in  which  the 
spouse  becomes  a  source  of  bitterness,  a  thwarting  agent  from  which 
escape  is  imperative.  The  whole  marriage  comes  to  be  looked  upon  as 
a  frustration.  The  desire  to  escape  becomes  even  stronger  if  another 
more  suitable  love  object  comes  into  view.  The  love  will  be  transferred 
to  the  new  object  in  what  is  known  as  "a  rebound,"  and  the  desire  to 
escape  from  the  original  marriage  is  accelerated.  He  is  falling  out  of 
love  with  one  as  he  falls  in  love  with  another!  The  desire  to  escape, 
then,  is  one  of  the  observable  differences  between  couples  who  are  fight- 
ing in  order  to  separate  and  those  who  fight  but  don't  separate. 

To  answer  the  question  of  why  one  marriage  ends  in  divorce  and  an- 
other persists  requires  investigation  of  the  individual  marriage.  Aside 
from  the  social  changes  which  have  made  marriage  precarious  for  all 
couples,  the  following  are  helpful  explanations  of  divorce  in  individual 
marriages:  the  unfortunate  combination  of  personalities,  the  carry-over 
of  childhood  infantilisms,  and  the  presence  in  one  of  the  partners  of  the 
desire  to  escape.  All  these  factors  seem  to  explain  in  individual  cases 
the  progressive  conflict  and  alienation  which  precede  separation  and  di- 
vorce. 

8  We  are  indebted  to  Willard  Waller  for  many  of  the  ideas  expressed  in  this 
and  the  next  subsection.  See  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpretation  (New  York: 
Dryden  Press,  1951),  pp.  509-527. 


284  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

A  glance  at  the  happier  side  of  the  picture  reveals  positive  reasons  for 
the  high  cohesiveness  of  certain  marriages  in  the  face  of  social  change 
and  challenging  crises.  Combinations  of  personalities  which  are  good 
for  one  another,  the  presence  of  interdependence,  emotional  maturity 
and  the  ability  to  take  crises  as  they  come,  the  presence  of  resources  to 
meet  crises,  and  the  habit  of  happiness  and  happy  relationships  with 
parents  and  brothers  and  sisters,  all  seem  to  characterize  stable  and  per- 
manent marriages.9 


Alienation:  Courtship  Reversed 

The  transition  from  single  to  married  life  is  relatively  easy  because  all 
our  previous  training  leads  to  marriage,  and  our  own  inner  motivations 
prompt  us  to  accept  it.  The  whole  procedure  is  not  unlike  canoeing 
downstream  with  well-wishers  on  shore  waving  us  along.  Our  progress 
is  accomplished  more  or  less  without  effort  because  it  all  seems  natural 
and  right. 

In  the  stages  preceding  the  actual  divorce  many  of  the  events  of  the 
courtship  are  experienced  with  reverse  emphasis.  The  differences  lie  in 
the  reluctance  with  which  each  step  is  taken  and  the  regret  apparent  as 
the  inevitable  separation  approaches.  Neither  partner  likes  to  admit  he 
has  failed  in  this  life  project  which  started  with  so  much  promise  and 
expectation  of  success.  Even  after  the  divorce,  marriage  exerts  a  strong 
back-pull,  and  the  number  of  reconciliations  of  divorced  couples  attests 
to  the  strength  of  the  desire  to  make  marriage  a  success. 

In  our  discussion  of  courtship  we  showed  how  each  step  in  the  proc- 
ess was  a  further  commitment  and  how  obligations  were  built  up  until 
a  summatory  effect  was  produced.  The  process  by  which  the  couple  be- 
came permanently  involved  developed  a  movement  of  its  own  which 
carried  the  couple  along.  Alienation  too  is  a  similar  development, 
which  moves  step  by  step  from  married  life  to  separation  and  readjust- 
ment to  life  without  the  partner. 

The  accompanying  table  shows  the  typical  stages  of  both  processes. 
Alienation,  like  courtship  involvement,  proceeds  to  its  conclusion  in  a 
series  of  commitments  which  are  not  easily  renounced.  Each  response 
leads  to  the  next  in  line,  and  the  motive  for  each  new  step  is  furnished 

9  For  more  details,  see  Chapter  Fifteen,  "What  Holds  a  Marriage  Together," 
pp.  302-318. 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  285 

by  the  experiences  up  to  that  point  —  alienation  cannot  easily  be  ar- 
rested. After  each  crisis  the  relationship  is  redefined  on  a  level  of 
greater  alienation.  The  destructive  quarrels  which  are  so  characteristic 
of  the  marriages  ending  in  divorce  are  often  followed  by  intervals  of 
comparative  peace  in  which  the  couple  make  a  determined  attempt  to 
adjust  to  life  with  each  other.  The  conflict  picks  up  again,  however, 
around  another  sore  point  and  continues  until  the  couple  can  bear  the 
pain  of  separation  more  comfortably  than  continued  opposition.  This 
concept  of  alienation  will  be  clearer  as  we  describe  the  critical  points  in 
the  movement  from  early  marriage  to  separation. 

TYPICAL  CRITICAL  POINTS  IN  COURTSHIP   INVOLVEMENT  COMPARED  WITH 
ALIENATION  CRISES  LEADING  TO  DIVORCE 

Boy  meets  girl  First  mutually  destructive 

• 

Going  together  quarrel 

•  • 
Eye-opener  quarrel  Affectional  responses  withheld 

•  • 

Going  steady  Mention  possibility  of  divorce 

•  .  • 
Public  begins  talking                                                         Others  find  out 

•  • 

Mutual  understanding  Move  into  separate  bedrooms 

•  • 
Mention  possibility  of  engagement                                      Break  up  housekeeping 

•  • 
Engagement  announcement                                              Divorce  agreed  upon 

MARRIAGE  DIVORCE 

Alienation  Crises 

Quarrels  occur  in  any  marriage,  as  we  have  shown  in  the  chapter  on  con- 
flict. It  is  the  mutually  destructive  type  of  quarrel  which  is  most  diffi- 
cult to  handle  and  which  characterizes  the  progressive  alienation  of 
couples  heading  for  divorce.  If  the  process  can  be  said  to  begin  any- 
where, it  probably  starts  with  the  first  brutal  truth  session  in  which  both 
partners  frankly  expose  their  real  feelings  about  the  other.  We  have  de- 
fined quarrels  of  this  type  as  destructive  because  they  concentrate  on  the 
person  rather  than  on  issues  or  conditions.  They  leave  the  relation  with 
fewer  assets  than  it  had  before.  They  attack  the  ego  and  reduce  the 


286  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

self-respect  by  which  persons  live.  Constructive  quarrels,  in  contrast, 
make  the  marriage  stronger  through  a  redefinition  of  the  situation  caus- 
ing the  conflict.  The  destructive  quarrels  are  progressive  and  succeed 
eventually  in  alienating  couples  to  the  point  where  separation  is  in- 
evitable. 

Aftectional  Responses  Withheld.  Disturbance  shows  up  relatively  early 
in  the  affectional  response  area.  "Don't  come  near  me  until  you're 
ready  to  say  you're  sorry,"  was  Jane's  response  to  Jim  after  their  first  ex- 
plosive upset.  The  withholding  of  affectional  response  quite  naturally 
broadens  to  include  the  sex  life  of  the  couple,  in  which  antagonism  is 
quickly  reflected.  There  could  well  have  been  excellent  sex  adjustment 
to  begin  with,  but  through  loss  of  understanding  neither  feels  right 
about  continuing  intimate  relations.  Some  people  withhold  affection 
to  punish  the  mate  just  as  they  do  to  punish  a  child.  Withholding  of 
affection  in  marriage  always  evokes  insecurity  and  anxiety,  particularly 
for  those  individuals  who  have  identified  the  good  marriage  entirely 
with  continuous  love  intimacies.  The  familiar  Hollywood  pattern  of 
early  divorce  is  the  only  remedy  that  the  over-romantic  have  devised  to 
meet  this  situation.  For  most  marriages  the  withholding  of  affection 
and  sex  intimacies  is  merely  a  first  symptom  of  difficulty,  to  be  followed 
by  many  more  severe  crises  before  divorce  takes  place. 

Mention  of  the  Possibility  of  Divorce.  In  the  course  of  conflict  there 
comes  a  great  moment  when  mention  is  made  of  the  possibility  of  di- 
vorce, the  stage  roughly  equivalent  to  the  declaration  of  love  in  the 
courtship  process.  Each  member  of  the  pair  has  thought  of  separation 
but  neither  has  mentioned  it,  not  knowing  what  the  response  would 
be.10  One  should  differentiate  between  the  banter  of  husband  and  wife 
in  which  the  threat  of  divorce  is  used  playfully  and  the  more  critical  use 
of  the  threat  among  couples  in  serious  conflict.  The  blow  falls  hardest 
on  the  one  who  is  told.  He  is  the  one  who  must  take  the  role  of  oppos- 
ing the  divorce  and  usually  holds  that  role  to  the  end.  But  there  is  an 
interdependence,  which  may  seem  to  some  perverted,  each  needing  the 
other  to  continue  the  conflict,  to  work  out  the  hostility.  Both  persons 
are  really  alienated,  but  one  presses  the  fighting  and  one  opposes  the 
divorce.  Each  requires  the  continued  participation  of  the  other;  in- 
deed, each  would  be  disappointed  if  the  other  stopped  struggling.  The 

»  Waller,  The  Family,  p.  514. 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  287 

passive  one  suffers  more  intensely,  but  has  the  virtuous  feeling  of  being 
right,  while  unconsciously  desiring  to  break  the  relation.11  The  immedi- 
ate effect  of  the  mention  of  the  possibility  of  divorce,  then,  is  one  of 
restraint  from  strife,  but  when  the  hostilities  begin  again  the  couple 
have  become  used  to  the  idea  of  divorce,  and  definite  steps  are  taken  in 
that  direction. 

Others  Find  Out.  At  some  point  the  fiction  of  solidarity  is  broken  as 
the  public  is  let  in  on  the  couple's  troubles.  The  relationship  changes, 
goes  on  a  different  basis.  The  expectation  of  success  which  was  so  im- 
portant in  holding  the  marriage  together  originally  is  replaced  with  the 
admission  of  failure.  For  many  sensitive  couples  this  is  the  master 
symptom  of  alienation:  "People  are  talking  about  us."  The  couple 
have  lost  face  and  are  no  longer  a  pair  in  the  eyes  of  the  public.  Invita- 
tions which  include  them  both  will  decrease  as  friends  refuse  to  take  the 
risk  of  a  row. 

The  public  divides  into  two  camps,  friends  who  are  for  the  wife  and 
friends  who  are  for  the  husband.  They  act  as  a  wedge  to  divide  the 
two.  The  more  sympathy  expressed  to  members  of  the  pair  separately, 
the  more  committed  the  couple  becomes  to  separation.  Take  the  fol- 
lowing case: 

I  was  first  conscious  of  the  fact  that  I  did  not  want  to  go  back  to  my 
wife,  or  that  a  part  of  me  did  not  want  to  go  back  about  two  months  after 
our  break.  I  analyzed  this,  and  thought  that  traced  to  the  fact  that  I  had 
introduced  myself  into  this  new  community  on  a  single-man  basis,  and  peo- 
ple had  sort  of  come  to  think  of  me  as  a  separate  individual,  rather  than  as 
a  married  man.  Then  later  I  had  talked  to  several  people  and  I  had  won- 
dered what  they  would  think  if  I  went  back  to  this  woman  who  had  caused 
me  so  much  trouble.  They  sympathized,  of  course,  and  that  made  it  all  the 
harder.  Then  later,  people  insinuated  to  me  that  I  was  such  a  fine  fellow 
that  it  must  have  been  my  wife's  fault.  In  telling  the  story  of  our  break  I 
had  always  been  careful  not  to  say  anything  against  my  wife,  for  two  rea- 
sons: one  that  she  is  really  a  very  nice  person  and  the  other  that  she  might 
come  to  this  new  place  and  I  didn't  want  people  prejudiced  against  her  when 
she  did.  But  the  very  fact  that  I  tried  to  be  fair  with  her  and  take  the  blame 
myself  made  my  friends  all  the  more  certain  that  whatever  had  happened 
had  been  her  fault  rather  than  mine.12 

11  Ibid.,  p.  520. 

12  Willard  Waller,  The  Old  Love  and  the  New:  Divorce  and  Readjustment 
(New  York:  Liveright,  1930),  pp.  131-132. 


288  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

This  case  exemplifies  well  the  role  of  the  public  in  bringing  about 
commitment  to  a  permanent  separation.  The  man's  failure  to  identify 
himself  as  a  married  man  further  complicated  the  situation  and  acceler- 
ated the  movement  toward  a  complete  break. 

Breaking  Up  Housekeeping.  The  crisis  of  separation  is  one  of  the 
most  severe  because  of  the  associations  tied  up  with  the  home.  Every 
piece  of  furniture  symbolizes  something,  every  piece  brings  back  mem- 
ories of  common  experiences.  These  belongings  which  must  now  be 
parcelled  out  and  divided  are  reminders  of  days  when.  .  .  .  The  phase 
of  separation  which  is  probably  most  poignant  is  that  of  leaving  the 
home  to  take  up  separate  quarters.  This  act  seems  to  signify  more  than 
anything  else  the  lengths  to  which  alienation  has  gone. 

The  severance  of  such  a  meaningful  relationship  is  usually  extremely 
painful.  Although  quarrels  and  conflict  are  useful  in  bringing  out  a 
decision  that  will  stick,  the  couple  should  be  able  to  say  they  tried  hard 
to  make  their  marriage  go  and  to  live  up  to  the  expectations  of  friends 
and  well-wishers.  Reconciliations  which  fail  show  the  uselessness  of  con- 
tinued compromises  and  force  the  conclusion  that  the  marriage  won't 
work  and  can't  be  made  to  work.  The  separation  which  comes  with 
taking  up  separate  quarters  is  a  signal  to  friends  and  the  public  that  the 
rift  is  serious.  Usually  both  parties  become  committed  permanently 
to  the  break,  and  they  finally  agree  to  divorce.  The  interval  between 
separation  and  divorce  is  sometimes  short,  sometimes  long,  depending 
on  the  readiness  and  preparation  of  the  parties. 

Divorce.  Divorce  is  a  final  severance,  for  which  some  preparation  has 
to  be  made.  It  may  take  months  before  the  actual  work  of  reconstruct- 
ing one's  life  can  begin.  The  decree  doesn't  close  the  case,  however; 
one  doesn't  divorce  and  live  happily  ever  after.  Indeed,  the  divorce 
court  experience  is  described  by  some  participants  as  being  the  most 
trying  shock  of  the  entire  alienation  process.  Both  members  of  the 
couple  suffer  through  the  procedure,  with  a  feeling  of  numbness,  of  un- 
reality, as  if  they  were  not  really  themselves  but  someone  else  looking 
on  at  the  crazy  scene. 

After  the  divorce  there  is  a  period  of  mental  conflict  in  which  the  in- 
dividual attempts  to  reconstruct  his  world,  often  a  period  of  depression, 
melancholia,  and  even  suicidal  attempts.  Tensions  build  up  which  can 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  289 

be  handled  only  with  careful  and  skilled  guidance.  The  divorced  per- 
son should  be  watched  for  any  evidence  of  depression  and  encouraged 
to  seek  counseling  if  symptoms  appear. 

Posfcf/vorce  Adjustments.  Already  during  the  alienation  period  pre- 
ceding the  divorce,  personality  adjustments  are  taking  place.  The  many 
habits  which  hold  marriages  together,  sex  habits,  response  habits,  food 
habits,  work  habits,  all  of  these  have  to  be  broken  and  reoriented  for  the 
parties  to  face  single  life  healthily.  Everyone  who  has  tried  breaking 
a  habit  knows  how  painful  the  process  is  and  how  easy  it  is  to  fall  back 
into  the  old  routine  again.  Those  who  have  gone  on  diets  to  keep  a 
certain  weight  remember  how  insistently  appetites  cry  out  for  foods  to 
which  they  have  become  accustomed.  The  divorcing  person  faces  the 
frustration  of  not  one  but  several  fundamental  habits,  and  the  separa- 
tion is  doubly  painful  if  he  must  make  that  adjustment  quickly.  The 
habits  of  married  living  are  much  more  fundamental  than  dancing  or 
smoking  or  eating,  and  as  they  are  broken,  living  loses  its  savor. 

As  the  person  is  forced  to  turn  within  himself  for  satisfaction,  the 
results  are  often  curious.  He  becomes  capable,  or  so  he  thinks,  of  doing 
grandiose  things.  A  man  revives  dreams  of  boyhood  and  believes  that 
in  a  short  period  he  will  become  a  great  banker  or  writer.  A  woman 
after  thirty  years  of  being  hemmed  in  by  housewifely  duties  sees  possi- 
bilities of  attaining  startling  personal  success.  Now  that  the  routines  of 
married  life  no  longer  exist  as  hampering  bonds,  the  person  sees  no 
bounds  to  his  possible  accomplishments. 

Sour-grapes  rationalizations  13  work  overtime  to  convince  the  person 
he  has  done  the  right  thing.  Pleasant  memories  are  repressed,  and  the 
illusions  which  supported  the  marriage  are  gradually  replaced  by  cold, 
cruel  reality.  There  is  a  certain  grim  conviction  that  the  marriage  could 
never  have  worked  and  that  it  was  foolish  to  prolong  it  as  long  as  it  was 
prolonged. 

Some  helpful  suggestions  in  reconstructing  and  readjusting  the  every- 
day life  of  the  divorced  warrants  at  least  brief  attention: 

i  Talking  the  whole  business  out  with  someone  who  listens  without  praise 
or  blame,  who  understands  and  helps  but  doesn't  become  involved;  in 
sum,  spending  hours  of  counseling  until  the  memories  no  longer  bring 
numbing  pain  and  can  be  faced  with  some  objectivity. 

13  For  a  discussion  of  this  mechanism,  see  pp.  17-18. 


290  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

2  Developing  new  skills  which  have  no  associations  with  the  marriage  and 
which  can  show  progress  quickly,  such  as  singing,  painting,  working  at 
certain  types  of  crafts;  doing  "something  you  have  always  wanted  to  do," 
in  order  to  balance  the  accounts  with  something  positive  and  satisfying. 

3  Plunging  into  professional  work  with  renewed  vigor,  but  not  to  the  exclu- 
sion of  all  social  contacts. 

4  Picking  up  social  contacts;  the  person  is  his  own  best  judge  of  the  number 
and  depth  of  new  contacts  he  is  emotionally  able  to  take. 

5  Reorienting  oneself  in  terms  of  the  rest  of  the  universe,  and  working  out 
a  philosophy  of  life  which  gives  purpose  and  zest  to  living. 

Now,  what  have  we  said  about  the  adjustments  preceding  and  fol- 
lowing divorce?    The  process  is  necessarily  one  of  conflict,  painful  and 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Which  of  the  following  conclusions  are  justified  in  the  light  of  our 

discussion  of  the  alienation  process  which  precedes  divorce?    Check 
those  which  are  correct. 

1  As  soon  as  a  couple  see  that  they  are  incompatible,  they  should  start  di- 
vorce proceedings  and  get  it  over  with. 

2  If  the  couple  is  interested  in  preserving  their  marriage,  they  should  rarely 

talk  about  their  marital  troubles  to  friends,  who  might  gossip. 

3  Conflicts  are  followed  by  periods  of  comparative  peace,  even  among  cou- 
ples who  eventually  separate. 

4  Alienation  proceeds  through  a  series  of  destructive  quarrels  in  which  the 

ego,  rather  than  issues,  is  attacked. 

5  Few  divorced  persons  ever  desire  to  return  to  their  mates  once  the  decree 

is  granted. 

6  It's  all  a  matter  of  will  power;  couples  who  divorce  don't  really  try  to  get 

along. 

7  Sexual  relations  are  one  of  the  last  habits  to  be  renounced  by  the  alien- 
ated couple. 

8  The  blow  falls  hardest  on  the  one  who  is  asked  for  the  divorce.  It  is  he 

who  takes  the  role  of  opposing  the  divorce. 

9  The  divorce  court  proceeding  is  enjoyed  for  its  drama  as  well  as  for  the 

new  freedom  it  gives. 

10  The  recently  divorced  person  should  be  watched  for  any  evidence  of  de- 
pression and  encouraged  to  seek  counseling. 

11  Suicides,  mental  breakdowns,  and  homicides  involving  recently  divorced 

persons  might  be  avoided  by  less  hurried  divorce  and  more  adequate  post- 
divorce  counseling. 


*  KEY         n  '01  '8  >  '€  'Z 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  291 

divisive  in  its  results.  The  timing  of  needs  for  sympathy  and  under- 
standing is  wrong;  each  is  too  absorbed  in  his  own  emotional  difficulties 
to  sympathize  with  the  other,  and  a  third  party  is  turned  to  for  sym- 
pathy. The  process  is  long-drawn-out  and  somewhat  painful,  because 
the  adjustment  to  the  loss  of  a  mate  takes  place  in  piecemeal  fashion. 
To  move  faster  in  breaking  habits  of  long  standing  brings  danger  of 
damage  to  personality  and  possible  suicide.  It  is  therefore  dangerous  to 
advise  couples  to  divorce  quickly. 

The  readjustment  after  the  divorce  consists  in  reconstructing  life 
anew,  developing  new  habits  and  new  purposes  which  jibe  with  life  as  a 
single  person.  Assuming  that  the  predivorce  conflicts  completely  alien- 
ated the  couple,  the  postdivorce  period  needs  to  be  one  of  talking  out 
problems  which  continue  to  arouse  uncomfortable  emotions  and  of  pick- 
ing up  meaningful  activities  which  will  carry  the  parties  back  into 
normal  social  life. 


Do  Second  Marriages  Work? 

The  remarriage  of  divorced  persons  is  a  phenomenon  of  marked  signifi- 
cance in  our  society.  We  have  already  indicated  in  Chapter  Eight, 
"Who  Gets  Married?,"  that  divorced  persons  remarry  at  a  high  rate, 
only  about  one  fourth  in  recent  years  remaining  in  the  divorced  status 
for  as  long  as  five  years.  We  have  much  less  information,  unfortu- 
nately, concerning  the  success  or  failure  of  second  marriages.  It  is  ar- 
gued by  those  studies  which  find  second  marriages  more  successful  than 
the  first  that  divorced  persons  have  learned  a  great  deal  from  their  ex- 
periences and  that  this  can  be  seen  in  their  second  marriages.  Goode's 
discussion  of  the  point  for  his  Detroit  cases  is  quotable: 

.  .  .  There  is  no  question  now  that  second  marriages  are  happier  than  first 
marriages.  I  believe  that  this  is  not  only  true  when  one  compares  the  sec- 
ond marriage  with  the  first  unhappy  marriage  but  that  the  percentage  of 
failures  is  less  among  all  second  marriages  than  among  all  first  marriages.  .  .  . 
My  sample  is  not  large  enough  to  include  the  number  of  "repeaters"  which 
would  be  necessary  for  good  analysis.  There  are  several  bizarre  cases  of  this 
kind  in  my  group,  but  most  people  seem  to  be  couples  who  simply  couldn't 
adjust  to  each  other  at  their  particular  level  of  growth  and  experience.  Un- 
less you  agree  that  a  substantial  proportion  of  the  population  is  emotionally 
defective,  you  can't  accept  the  neurosis  and  personality  explanations  of  di- 
vorce. I  suspect  that  most  of  these  people  could,  after  the  divorce,  adjust 


292  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

happily  to  their  changed  spouse  —  if  they  could  really  meet  him  for  the  first 
time,  with  the  unhappy  memories  expunged.14 

Less  definite  in  his  convictions  about  the  success  of  second  marriages 
is  Harvey  J.  Locke  who  matched  a  married-only-once  group  of  men  and 
women  with  his  sample  of  remarried  couples  in  which  one  of  the 
spouses  was  married  for  the  second  time  after  a  divorce.  He  found  di- 
vorced women  good  risks  in  subsequent  marriage,  but  divorced  men  poor 
risks  as  compared  with  persons  married  only  once.15 

When  viewed  statistically  in  terms  of  "proneness  to  divorce"  the 
research  supports  the  view  that  the  probability  of  divorce  is  greater  in 
a  second  or  subsequent  marriage  than  it  is  in  the  first;  indeed,  one  ana- 
lyst of  census  data  computes  the  probability  as  50  per  cent  higher  for 
second  than  for  first  marriages.16  No  single  study  has  answered  the 
question,  "Do  Second  Marriages  Work?"  to  our  satisfaction.  As  di- 
vorce is  more  generally  accepted,  it  is  possible  that  the  divorced  group 
will  include  more  and  more  well-adjusted  individuals  who  failed  largely 
because  of  poor  matching  or  other  extraneous  circumstances  related  to 
their  early  dating  experiences.  These  individuals  might  in  second  mar- 
riages have  high  probabilities  of  marital  success. 


Divorce  Reform 

Divorce  is  not  something  to  fear,  but  to  understand  and  to  make  less 
painful  if  we  can.  Prejudice  in  the  past  has  made  the  adjustment  to  di- 
vorce doubly  hard  and  painful,  because  the  divorced  person  has  been 
set  in  a  class  apart  when  he  needs  most  of  all  to  be  accepted  and  assimi- 
lated back  into  social  life. 

The  divorce  decree  is  a  perfunctory  ceremony  which  merely  signifies 
the  lack  of  unity  in  a  marriage,  just  as  the  wedding  ceremony  solem- 

14  Personal  communication  to  one  of  the  authors  from  William  J.  Goode,  Co- 
lumbia University,  clarifying  generalizations  from  his  Detroit  study  of  425  divorced 
women  reported  for  the  Saturday  Evening  Post  by  David  G.  Wittels,  'The  Post  Re- 
ports on  Divorce,"  Saturday  Evening  Post,  January  21,  28,  and  February  4,  11,  and 
18,  1950. 

15  Harvey  J.  Locke,  Predicting  Adjustment  in  Marriage:  A  Comparison  of  a  Di- 
vorced and  a  Happily  Married  Group  (New  York:  Holt,  1951),  pp.  305-309,  re- 
porting on  a  study  conducted  with  W.  J.  Klausmer. 

18  Paul  Landis,  "Sequential  Marriage,"  Journal  of  Home  Economics  (October, 
1950),  Vol.  42. 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  293 

nizes  the  pair  unity  which  existed  before  marriage.  Judge  Paul  Alex- 
ander has  termed  the  divorce  court  judge  a  "public  mortician"  who 
buries  dead  marriages. 

There  is  little  justification  for  the  emotional  reaction  to  divorce  as 
divorce.  It  is  only  a  confirmation  of  the  fact  that  the  couple  have  sepa- 
rated and  are  no  longer  performing  the  required  functions  of  matri- 
mony, and  it  merely  serves  to  regularize  the  matter  for  the  protection  of 
all  concerned. 

The  big  problem  is  not  to  keep  people  who  want  divorce  badly  from 
getting  relief  but  to  keep  more  people  from  wanting  divorce.  This  will 
involve  a  complete  reversal  of  policy  with  respect  to  the  granting  of 
legal  separations.  Our  divorce  system  has  developed  out  of  the  im- 
portance played  by  property  rights  in  the  marriage  contract.  In  order 
to  protect  the  respective  rights  of  each  party,  the  law  provides  a  means 
by  which  one  member  might  complain  of  the  offenses  of  the  other  and, 
by  fixing  guilt,  obtain  a  legal  release  from  the  contract.  Marriage  has 
long  since  changed  in  emphasis  from  property  contracts  to  companion- 
ship and  affection-giving.  Today  the  question  is  often  not  so  much 
one  of  determining  guilt  as  it  is  of  determining  the  stage  of  alienation 
and  estrangement. 

Since  the  National  Conference  on  Family  Life  in  1948,  a  committee 
of  the  American  Bar  Association  headed  by  Judge  Paul  W.  Alexander 
has  been  actively  formulating  a  new  approach  to  marriage  and  divorce 
laws.  Their  proposals,  shown  in  the  charts  on  the  next  four  pages,  de- 
part from  a  new  premise,  that  divorce  is  an  effect  rather  than  a  cause  of 
broken  homes.  They  propose  a  new  kind  of  court  based  on  a  new  phi- 
losophy sweeping  away  the  "archaic  legal  philosophy"  of  punishment 
for  guilt  and  substituting  for  it  a  positive  constructive  approach  which 
would  ask  "what  is  best  for  the  family"  and  hence  best  for  society. 
The  case  would  no  longer  be  titled  "Jane  Doe  v.  John  Doe,"  but  "In 
the  Interest  of  the  John  Doe  Family."  Trained  personnel  of  the  court 
would  be  used  to  diagnose,  and  if  possible  heal  the  breach.  Divorces 
would  not  be  easier,  but  more  difficult  to  obtain.  The  final  decree 
would  be  issued,  Judge  Alexander  has  written,  "only  if  the  investigation 
plus  proper  judicial  inquiry  compelled  the  conclusion  that  the  marriage 
could  no  longer  be  useful  to  the  spouses,  the  children,  or  the  state;  that 
the  partners  could  not  or  would  not  permit  it  to  fulfill  the  functions 


THE  PRESENT  DIVORCE  SYSTEM 


WHAT 


Based  on  Guilt  &  Punishment 


EASY   MARRIAGES,  No 
health  training  or  residence 
requirements 


DIVORCE  action 
can  be  started 
as  SOON  after 

man  iage  os  desired 


DIVORCE 

can  be  applied  for 
ANYWHERE  — 
after  setting  up 
temporary  residence 


GENERAL    COURT 
Hears  cases  in  many  fields  t 
criminal,  equity,  divorce,, 
civil  suits 


ROTATION 
.OF   JUDGES  —  __ 
Each  judge  hard 
pressed  to  keep  up 
with  legal  aspects 
of  the  fields  he 
presides  over 


FORMAL    QUASI-CRIMINAL    ACTION 
bent  on  proving  guilt  in  open  court 


LAWYERS'    ROLE 
To  win  case 


SPOUSE'S    ROLE  — 
Antagonist  trying  to  prove 
guilt  of  mate 


DIVORCE 


IT  IS 


NEW  A.B.A.  PROPOSAL 


Based  on  Diagnosis  &  Treatment 


HARD 

MARRIAGES  — 
pre-marital  education, 
ohysical  exams,  no 
runaway  marriages 


DIVORCE  action 

can't  be  started  until  AFTER 

3  YEARS  of  marriage 


DIVORCE 

con  be  applied  for  only 
where  YOU  ACTUALLY 
LIVE 


FAMILY    COURT 
Hears  only  cases  in  family  field: 
divorce,  annulment,  juvenile 
delinquency,  adoption 


RELIGIOUS   LEADER 

S  MARRIAGE    COUNSELOR 


1 


SPECIALIST 
JUDGES 
Each  judge 
gets  rounded 
non-legal 
training,  has 
staff  of 
specialists 
to  help 


LAWYERS'    ROLE 
To  salvage  family 


SPOUSES'    ROLE 
Patients  being  treated 
for  an  illness 


INFORMAL    ADMINISTRATIVE    PROCEDURE 
looking  for  cause  and  cure  of  trouble 
in  private  sessions 


Redrawn  from  chart  by  GRAPHICS  INSTITUTE,  N.  v.  c.,  for  Pageant  Magazine 


WHAT'S  BEST  FOR 
THE  FAMILY 


THE  PRESENT  METHOD 


HOW  IT 


1.  Application  for 
divorce  u  made 


2.  Public  trial  — 
damaging  to  both  parties, 
and  their  children 


3.   Trumped  up 
evidence  frequently 
presented 


4.  Divorce  possible  only 

if  one  is  "proved"  guilty 

of  grounds  for  divorce 


5.    ...  Both  parties 
ore  proved  guilty  of  charge 


DIVORCE  IS  NOT  GRANTED   IF 


(5,  6,  and  7) 


6.  ...  It  comes  out 
that  both  parties 
have  cooperated 

to  arrange  grounds 
for  divorce 


7.  ...  An  attempt  — 

evert  though  non-lasting  — 

at  reconciliation  has  been  made 


8.    Alimony  settlement 
based  on  bargaining  power 


WORKS 


NEW   A.B.A.   PROPOSAL 


1.   Application 
for  help  is  made 


4.  Welfare  counseling 
to  try  to  solve  social- 
economic  problems 


2.    Private  diagnostic  investigation 
made  by  Court's  specialists 


3.    Psychological  aid  to 

try  to  solve  personality- 

emotional  problems 


5.   Treatment  efforts  may 

last  from  2  months  to  2  years 


6.  Report  on  results  mode  to  judge.     Will  show 
treatment  has  succeeded,  in  some  cases 


7.  Divorce  granted  only  if  treatments  fafl, 
and  judge  is  convinced  case  is  hopeless 


8.   Alimony  settlement  based  on 
real  needs  and  resources 


Redrawn  from  .chart  by  GRAPHICS  INSTITUTE.  M.  Y.C..  for  Pageant  Afafran 


298  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

imposed  by  the  natural  law  and  the  civil  law;  that  perpetuation  of  the 
bare  legal  bond  would  be  more  harmful  than  beneficial  to  all  con- 
cerned." 1T 

The  proposals  of  the  American  Bar  Association's  committee  are 
being  debated  in  conferences  not  only  of  the  legal  profession  but  of 
many  interprofessional  groups.  An  Interprofessional  Commission  on 
Marriage  and  Divorce  Laws  sponsored  by  the  American  Bar  Association 
but  representative  of  all  the  major  professions  dealing  with  marriage 
and  divorce  is  conducting  research  and  evaluating  the  many  varied  pro- 
posals for  divorce  reform  likely  to  come  before  legislative  committees. 
A  model  marriage  and  divorce  act  is  in  the  making  which  will  be  pre- 
sented to  one  of  the  fifty-two  jurisdictions  in  the  United  States  for  de- 
bate and  action. 


Possibilities  Through  Voluntary  Agencies 

In  concluding  this  chapter  on  divorce,  some  account  should  be  taken 
of  the  possibilities  of  rebuilding  unhappy  marriages  into  more  satisfac- 
tory patterns  through  marital  guidance.  The  increasing  availability  of 
family  counseling  through  marriage  and  family  counseling  agencies 
suggests  that  counseling  should  be  sought  as  an  alternative  to  divorce  in 
any  case. 

Persons  of  their  own  will  can't  successfully  arrest  the  process  of 
alienation,  but  a  third  party  can,  if  well  trained  and  if  he  gets  the  mar- 
riage early  enough.  The  work  of  the  family  consultant  is  to  rebuild 
the  discordant  family,  if  the  matter  has  gone  so  far  as  to  need  remedial 
rather  than  preventive  treatment.  The  marital  guidance  clinic  serves 
in  many  ways  as  a  guard  against  divorce.  As  a  premarital  guidance 
center  it  assures  couples  that  they  are  prepared  emotionally  and  physi- 
cally for  marriage.  Premarital  guidance  utilizes  careful  premarital 
examination  (discussed  in  Chapter  Five,  'The  Meaning  of  an  Engage- 
ment") and  instruction  given  in  conferences  and  class  work  in  prepara- 
tion for  marriage.  Later  the  center  enters  the  picture  to  aid  the  couple 
in  understanding  the  normality  and  inevitability  of  conflict,  and  en- 
courages the  development  of  techniques  for  resolving  their  difficulties 
(see  our  discussion  in  Chapter  Twelve,  "Common  Conflicts  in  Mar- 
riage" ) .  Finally,  the  couple  that  has  failed  to  use  these  resources  until 

1T  New  York  Times,  September  17,  1950, 


FACTS    AND    FEELINGS    ABOUT    DIVORCE  299 

they  are  well  along  in  the  alienation  process  may  turn  to  the  counseling 
services  for  help  in  rebuilding  the  marriage  in  a  more  satisfactory  pat- 
tern. Thus  the  work  of  counseling  agencies  is  in  line  with  our  earlier 
statement  of  principle  with  respect  to  divorce:  'The  big  problem  is  not 
to  keep  people  who  want  divorce  from  getting  it  but  to  keep  more  peo- 
ple from  wanting  divorce." 


Selected  Readings 

ALEXANDER,  JUDGE  PAUL,  "Our  Legal  Horror  —  Divorce/'  Ladies'  Home  Jour- 
nal (October,  1949). 
ANONYMOUS,  "Can  Divorce  Be  Successful?"  Harper's  Magazine  (February, 

1938). 

ANONYMOUS,  "What  I  Want  My  Kids  to  Know,"  Saturday  Evening  Post 
(June  24,  1950). 

ANONYMOUS  DIVORCEE,  "Nobody  Tells  You,"  Woman's  Home  Companion 
(January,  1951). 

GOODE,  WILLIAM  j.,  "Education  for  Divorce,"  Marriage  and  Family  Living 
(May,  1947),  Vol.  9. 

,  "Problems  in  Postdivorce  Adjustment,"  American  Sociological  Review 

(June,  1949),  Vol.  14. 

GROVES,  ERNEST  R.,  Conserving  Marriage  and  the  Family:  A  Realistic  Discus- 
sion of  the  Divorce  Problem  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1945). 

LANDIS,  PAUL,  "Sequential  Marriage,"  Journal  of  Home  Economics  (Octo- 
ber, 1950). 

MEAD,  MARGARET,  Male  and  Female  (New  York:  Morrow,  1949),  Chap.  17. 

ROSENTHAL,  HERBERT  c.,  "Painless  Divorce,"  Pageant  (April,  1952). 

WITTELS,  DAVID  G.,  "The  Post  Reports  on  Divorce,"  Saturday  Evening  Post 
(January  21,  28,  and  February  4,  11,  and  18,  1950). 

Technical  References 

BARNETT,  JAMES  H.,  Divorce  and  the  American  Divorce  Novel,  1858-1937 
(Philadelphia:  Privately  Printed,  1939). 

BERGLER,  EDMUND,  Unhappy  Marriage  and  Divorce  (New  York:  Interna- 
tional Universities  Press,  1946). 

"Children  of  the  Divorced,"  Law  and  Contemporary  Problems  (Summer, 
1944),  Vol.  10.  A  symposium. 

DAVIS,  KINGSLEY,  "Statistical  Perspective  on  Marriage  and  Divorce,"  Annals 
(November,  1950). 

CLICK,  PAUL  c.,  "First  Marriages  and  Remarriages,"  American  Sociological 
Review  (December,  1949),  Vol.  14. 

GOODE,  WILLIAM  j.,  "Social  Engineering  and  the  Divorce  Problem,"  Annals 
(November,  1950). 


300  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

,  "Economic  Factors  and  Marital  Stability/'  American  Sociological  Re- 
view (December,  1951),  Vol.  16,  No.  6. 

JACOBSON,  PAUL  H.,  "Differentials  in  Divorce  by  Duration  of  Marriage  and 
Size  of  Family,"  American  Sociological  Review  (April,  1950),  Vol.  15, 
pp.  235-245. 

LLEWELLYN,  K.  N.,  "Behind  the  Law  of  Divorce,"  Columbia  Law  Review 
(December,  1932  and  February,  1933),  Vols.  32  and  33. 

LOCKE,  HARVEY  j.,  Predicting  Adjustment  in  Marriage:  A  Comparison  of  a 
Divorced  and  a  Happy  Married  Group  (New  York:  Holt,  1951). 

"Toward  Family  Stability,"  The  Annals  (November,  1950),  Vol.  272.  A 
symposium. 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  The  Old  Love  and  the  New  (New  York:  Liveright, 
1930). 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  chaps.  23-24. 


CHAPTER  FIFTEEN 


Courtesy  of  Syd  Hoff 


"He's  a  dope,  but  he's  mine!" 


WHAT   HOLDS  A  MARRIAGE  TOGETHER? 


ill  love  alone  hold  a  marriage  together? 
What  does  sex  symbolize  in  marriage? 
What  experiences  test  a  marriage? 
When  is  a  marriage  a  partnership? 
Why  is  it  that  happily  married  people  come  to  think  alike  and  talk  alike? 


HIS  CHAPTER  CLOSES  THE  DISCUSSION  OF  WHAT  IT  MEANS  TO  BE  MAR- 

ned.  The  accent  in  the  chapters  immediately  preceding  has  been  on 
the  crises  of  marriage  and  family  life,  on  the  divisive  forces  which  oper- 
ate to  break  up  and  test  marriage.  This  chapter  emphasizes  the  forces 
and  bonds  which  hold  marriage  together.  It  is  dedicated  to  the  propo- 
sition that  successful  marriages  don't  just  happen,  that  marriage  is  what 
you  make  it.  A  happy  union  takes  working  at,  and  its  accomplishment 
is  the  product  of  much  sweat  and  toil  in  the  art  of  getting  along. 

The  Expectation  of  Success * 

"We  expect  our  marriage  to  work"  is  one  of  the  strongest  bonds  tying 
a  marriage  together  at  the  outset.  This  conviction  supplies  the  motiva- 
tion to  stick  together  when  the  going  is  rough  rather  than  to  run  home 
to  mother.  It  impels  the  couple  to  work  out  the  solutions  to  problems 
so  they  won't  recur.  Honeymooners  with  the  expectation  of  success  are 
already  consciously  addressing  themselves  to  the  task  of  building  their 

1  We  are  indebted  to  Willard  Waller  for  many  of  the  ideas  which  appear  in 
this  chapter;  see  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpretation  (New  York:  Dryden  Press, 


304  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

marriage  so  that  it  will  work.  They  are  saying,  "  We  want  to  be  good 
for  one  another  and  we  want  to  be  good  parents.  Show  us  how." 

In  spite  of  the  high  divorce  rate  in  America,  the  standard  held  up 
for  every  couple  is  successful  marriage.  If  a  person  can't  make  a  suc- 
cess of  marriage  he  is  made  to  feel  inadequate,  and  his  failure  is  pointed 
out  by  members  of  society  to  young  people  about  to  be  married.  Along 
with  the  personal  expectation  of  success  goes  the  public's  expectation  of 
success.  The  individual  couple  may  feel  strongly  the  necessity  of  not 
letting  down  the  friends  who  have  wished  them  well.  Making  marriage 
work  is  often  easier  than  facing  the  public  with  the  admission  of  fail- 
ure. One  of  the  real  forces  in  tying  marriages  together,  then,  is  the 
expectation  of  success,  the  ideal  of  a  happy  marriage  as  the  only  possible 
outcome  of  the  marriage,  and  the  feeling  that  the  public  can't  be  let 
down  by  a  break-up. 

Friends  are  admonished  in  the  "whom  God  hath  joined  together" 
formula  to  keep  hands  off  the  marriage  and  stay  out  of  the  sphere  of 
marital  interaction.2  It  is  not  good  form  to  ask  how  the  marriage  is  go- 
ing or  to  inquire  as  to  its  health.  The  assumption  in  our  society  is  that 
all  marriages  are  happy  until  proved  otherwise  by  appearance  in  a  di- 
vorce court.  It  is  doubtful  if  the  net  effect  of  this  assumption  of  marital 
bliss  is  good,  since  it  makes  for  hypocrisy  and  implies  that  conflict  is 
abnormal  and  unusual,  but  the  assumption  is  an  additional  force  in 
holding  many  marriages  together. 

Social  Life  Organized  for  Married  Pairs 

A  second  reason  for  sticking  together  is  the  system  of  pairing  young 
people  off  for  social  purposes.  Most  of  our  social  life  is  organized 
around  married  couples  or  couples  about  to  be  married.  The  develop- 
ment of  pair  unity  in  the  engagement  period  was  furthered  by  the  pub- 
lic's recognition  that  the  couple  did  belong  together  shown  by  inviting 
them  to  social  occasions  as  a  pair.  This  acknowledgment  caused  the 
boy  and  girl  to  regard  themselves  differently  and  thus  gave  stability  to 
the  relationship.  The  years  of  married  life  add  to  this  sense  of  "we" 
and  further  unify  the  couple.  Together  they  explore  the  social  circles 
(and  are  explored  by  them);  together  they  make  friends  and  choose  the 
sets  which  they  wish  to  join.  Early  in  the  marriage,  if  not  in  the  en- 

2  Ibid.,  p.  324. 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  305 

gagement,  a  person  learns  to  accept  invitations  tentatively  until  he  can 
find  out  whether  or  not  the  other  member  of  the  pair  is  able  to  go.  The 
public  understands  because  it  expects  the  couple  to  act  as  a  unit. 

Just  because  society  in  America  is  not  organized  for  sexes  separately 
as  are  some  societies,  the  marital  relationships  are  strengthened.  Most 
of  the  entertaining  in  a  community  centers  within  the  married  set  and 
is  motivated  by  the  "you  invite  us  and  we'll  have  to  return  the  invita- 
tion later  on"  phenomenon,  leaving  almost  no  social  activities  for  bach- 
elors and  spinsters  and  other  nonmarried  people.  Moreover,  to  invite 
one  member  of  a  married  pair  and  not  the  other  is  something  of  a 
breach  of  etiquette.  The  cards  are  stacked  in  favor  of  married  couples 
sticking  together  if  they  want  any  social  life.  Two  by  two  they  go 
marching  by. 

The  positive  social  pressures  just  described  do  hold  couples  together. 
In  addition,  the  fear  of  public  disapproval,  of  neighborhood  gossip,  and 
the  fear  of  scandal  are  negative  forces  of  which  many  couples  are  con- 
scious. These  socially  imposed  forces,  however,  are  essentially  adhesive, 
inasmuch  as  they  are  applied  externally.  They  are  most  effective  in  a 
simple  agrarian  society  where  everybody  knows  everybody  else,  and  are 
less  effective  within  the  social  sets  of  the  metropolitan  centers.  Of 
more  importance  today  are  the  forces  within  the  couples  as  individuals, 
forces  which  might  be  termed  cohesive  since  they  are  based  on  the  in- 
ner needs  of  the  participants  themselves.  It  is  because  marriage  is 
welded  together  both  by  adhesive  and  cohesive  forces,  by  external  so- 
cietal pressures  and  by  internal  desires  and  needs,  that  it  is  surviving 
the  buffeting  of  social  change  in  our  day. 

Marriage  Satisfies  Basic  Adult  Needs 

One  of  the  cohesive  forces  holding  American  marriages  together  is  the 
power  of  the  marital  relationship  to  meet  the  basic  affectional  needs  of 
its  members.3  The  American  family  is  built  around  the  husband-wife 
relationship,  and  the  power  of  that  relation  to  satisfy  the  needs  of  the 
couple  flavors  the  whole  of  family  life.  Children  become  accustomed 
to  having  their  needs  for  affection,  companionship,  recognition,  and  re- 
sponse met  in  the  parental  family.  Moreover,  they  are  conditioned  to 

3  The  important  role  of  satisfying  the  basic  needs  in  marriage  was  anticipated 
in  the  discussion  of  the  need  for  love  in  Chapter  One,  pp.  13-15. 


306  SVriAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

expect  that  the  phenomenon  of  love  and  affection  will  carry  over  into 
a  family  of  their  own  making.  With  that  expectation,  the  early  court- 
ship activities  are  surrounded  by  questions  such  as,  "Does  he  love  me?" 
"Is  she  good  for  me?"  "Does  he  do  anything  for  me?"  or  in  sum,  "Will 
he  satisfy  my  hunger  for  affection  and  security  permanently?"  The 
history  of  the  courtship  is  one  of  finding  in  the  growing  relation  recipro- 
cal satisfactions  and  increasing  interdependence  of  one  on  the  other  to 
satisfy  these  imperious  needs. 

The  adult  is,  after  all,  basically  the  child  older  grown.  In  marriage 
the  child,  now  grown  older,  has  transferred  from  the  parent  to  the  mar- 
riage partner  his  need  to  give  and  receive  affection  and  security.  The 
transfer  takes  place  piecemeal,  beginning  with  the  first  recognition  of 
the  capacity  to  love  someone  other  than  the  parent,  and  continuing 
until  the  marriage  is  stabilized  as  the  main  source  of  affection  and  ap- 
preciation.4 

To  be  wanted,  to  be  understood,  to  be  appreciated,  to  be  loved,  and 
to  belong  to  someone  are  fundamental  needs  which  parallel  the  needs 
to  possess,  to  love,  and  to  respond  to  someone.  Uniquely  met  in  the 
intimacies  of  the  marriage  relation,  these  needs  should  be  listed  among 
the  main  sources  of  cohesion  holding  marriages  together  in  America 
today. 


The  Growth  of  Sympathy 

As  the  marriage  wears  on  and  the  couple  come  to  take  for  granted  the 
unreserved  intimacies  of  wedded  life,  there  is  a  growth  of  sympathy  be- 
tween the  mates.  The  newlywed  is  all  too  often  downcast  when  his  wife 
is  slightly  displeased  with  him,  but  the  experienced  husband  knows 
that  she  will  get  over  it  after  a  while.  He  has  been  all  through  this  be- 
fore and  can  predict  the  method  of  bringing  the  affair  to  a  satisfactory 
conclusion.  Here  we  see  a  value  in  some  of  the  features  of  marriage 
which  the  Hollywood  script  writers  have  condemned  in  their  "never 
let  your  marriage  go  to  seed"  attitude.  It  is  disillusioning  to  a  man 
to  see  his  wife  having  breakfast  in  a  housecoat  with  her  hair  in  pins,  and 
unpleasant  for  a  wife  to  see  her  husband's  unshaved  face,  but  it  is  com- 
forting to  both  to  realize  that  such  liberties  do  not  seriously  threaten 
the  relationship.  These  are  the  jolly  little  coarsenesses  which  give  to 

4  See  Chapter  Two,  pp.  28-44. 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  307 

the  marriage  relation  its  unique  strength.6  Shady  little  sallies  between 
them,  the  vulgarities  which  they  alone  think  funny  and  which  before 
marriage  might  have  shocked  them  both,  these  indiscretions  also  hold 
a  marriage  together. 

Gradually  each  member  of  a  pair  comes  to  share  the  mental  states 
of  the  other,  to  live  vicariously  in  the  other,  and  to  learn  to  predict  the 
other.  In  this  state  of  complete  intimacy  the  members  of  the  pair  de- 
velop similar  tastes  and  similar  aspirations.  The  wife  hears  her  hus- 
band's jokes  hundreds  of  times  but  enjoys  them  because  they  are  her 
jokes,  and  prods  him  to  "tell  that  one  about  when  we  were  in  Chicago, 
dear." 

In  the  growth  of  sympathy,  the  sharing  of  ideas  often  results  in  the 
sharing  of  depressions  and  predicting  when  they  will  come.  Husband 
and  wife  learn  to  handle  one  another's  blues  as  well  as  one  another's 
temper  tantrums.  Each  knows  if  he's  put  in  the  doghouse,  the  other 
will  soon  let  him  out. 

Marriage  solidarity  develops  immensely  as  members  of  the  pair  per- 
ceive the  strength  of  the  relationship.  It  is  seen  as  they  recognize, 
while  fighting,  that  they  care  more  about  the  marriage  than  they  do 
about  winning.  It  comes  forcibly  to  their  attention  when  a  crisis  like 
infidelity  is  met  without  the  wife's  running  home  to  her  parents  as  she 
would  have  done  earlier  in  the  marriage.  It  is  seen  in  the  willingness 
of  the  husband  to  tolerate  shoddy  household  management  or  sterility  of 
the  wife  with  nary  a  hint  at  separation.  The  relationship  has  come  to 
have  a  value  in  itself.  All  such  incidents  may  not  seem  very  romantic; 
indeed,  some  romantic-minded  people  would  say  such  marriages  had 
gone  to  seed.  But  family  unity  is  built  on  just  such  foundations  as 
these:  "We  have  come  to  take  each  other  for  granted;  we  know  we  can 
count  on  one  another";  "  She'll  see  me  through  thick  and  thin.  What 
a  lucky  man  I  am!" 


Family  Habits  Create  Solidarity 

The  married  pair  bring  to  marriage  two  separate  systems  of  habits 
formed  during  life  in  their  respective  parental  families  as  well  as  during 
the  years  away  from  the  family.  Consciously,  at  first,  they  must  go 
about  the  task  of  adjusting  the  differences  in  the  two  systems.  The 

B  Waller  and  Hill,  op.  cit.,  p.  333. 


308  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

wife  must  find  out  how  strong  her  husband  wants  his  coffee  and  when 
he  must  arise  in  the  morning  in  order  to  get  to  work  on  time.  The 
husband  must  learn  that  to  his  wife  permanent  waves  are  more  im- 
portant than  golf  equipment  and  that  ashes  on  the  rug  are  not  to  be 
tolerated.  After  a  time  the  two  systems  are  modified  and  become  an 
interlocking  habit  system  which  is  a  great  deal  more  stable  than  that  of 
the  single  person  could  ever  be;  they  rest  upon  the  habit  of  adjusting  to 
the  situation  created  by  the  real  or  imaginary  demands  and  expectations 
of  others. 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Underline  the  correct  alternatives  in  the  following  statements. 

1  We  have  a  (high,  low)  divorce  rate  in  America  accompanied  by  a  (high,  low) 
standard  of  success  for  marriage.     (Because  of,  in  spite  of)  the  divorce  rate,  en 
gaged  couples  feel  they  start  with  (high,  only  average)  chances  for  happy  marriage. 

2  Life  in  American  social  circles  is  (as  comfortable,  not  as  comfortable)  for  bache- 
lors and  spinsters  as  it  is  for  married  people. 

3  According  to  marriage  authorities,  it  is  not  only   (devastating,  not  devastating) 
to  the  marriage  to  come  to  dinner  unkempt  and  unshaven  occasionally  but  it 
(strengthens,  weakens)   the  marriage  permanently  because  it  proves  (how  much, 
how  little)  the  marriage  means  to  the  married  pair. 


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-JJOJUIOD  SB  }ou  z     -tt^tq  fjo  3}ids  ui  iqSiq  - 


Consider  the  following  illustration  of  habits  at  work  in  a  typical 
urban  home: 

.  .  .  the  husband  used  to  laugh  when  the  wife  referred  to  ant-hills  as  ants' 
houses,  but  now  he  does  not  laugh  any  more;  in  fact  he  sometimes  uses  the 
expression  himself.  Each  individual  member  of  a  family  has  made  certain 
habit  adjustments  to  the  physical  setting  in  which  the  family  lives;  each 
knows  at  just  what  height  to  insert  the  key  in  the  lock  of  the  front  door  and 
each  has  acquired  the  knack  of  giving  a  little  twist  to  the  key  which  makes 
the  door  open  easily;  each  one  is  able  to  enter  any  of  the  rooms  in  the  dark- 
ness and  to  find  the  switches  for  the  lights  without  any  difficulty;  each  knows 
where  to  sit  on  hot  afternoons  in  August,  and  how  to  descend  the  rickety 
cellar  stairs.  And  each  one,  likewise,  has  made  a  multitude  of  adjustments 
to  the  presence  of  others  in  the  house.  In  the  morning  the  father  of  the 
family  gets  up  and  starts  the  furnace.  He  walks  carefully  in  order  not  to  dis- 
turb the  others,  but  there  is  no  need  of  this,  for  the  others  have  adjusted  to 
his  early  morning  noise  and  do  not  hear  him.  A  little  later  the  mother  gets 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  309 

up  and  calls  the  children,  perhaps  a  number  of  times,  for  they  may  have 
made  an  adjustment  to  her  habitual  technique  and  have  shifted  the  respon- 
sibility entirely  upon  her;  they  have,  perhaps,  developed  mother  deafness. 
She  then  gets  breakfast,  sets  the  table,  and  calls  the  family.  Father  has  been 
reading  the  paper,  which  is  now  split  into  sections.  Each  one  eats  his  break- 
fast in  his  customary  way;  there  is  the  usual  interchange  of  pleasantries  and 
the  usual  grumbling  and  complaining.  Then  ensues  the  morning  crisis  of 
getting  the  children  off  to  school  and  helping  father  to  catch  the  eight-thirty 
train,  the  struggle  over  the  bathroom,  the  effort  to  find  things,  the  examina- 
tion of  shirts  to  see  whether  they  will  do  for  another  day,  and  all  the  myriad 
adjustments  which  arise  from  a  civilization  which  demands  neatness  and 
promptness.  Then  all  the  members  of  the  family  but  one  leave  the  home, 
pausing  a  moment  to  say  good-bye  to  mother  and  to  pet  the  dog.6 

This  is  just  a  small  part  of  the  family  day  and  misses  many  of  the 
habits  of  family  living  reflected  in  conversation  and  gestures.  It  does 
serve  to  illustrate,  however,  the  intermeshing  of  social  habits  of  family 
members.  Once  you  become  a  part  of  a  cooperative  enterprise  in  which 
your  behavior  is  habitually  determined  by  the  responses  and  helps  of 
others,  it  is  highly  inconvenient  to  separate  yourself.  We  will  discuss 
this  point  more  in  detail  when  we  come  to  the  inertia  to  change  which 
exists  in  all  families. 

As  the  pair  become  accustomed  to  each  other  and  dependent  upon 
one  another  for  the  sharing  of  family  habits,  they  cease  to  operate  in 
the  family  as  individuals  and  come  to  take  on  a  family  personality. 
This  is  the  reason  married  people  in  time  come  to  talk  alike,  think  alike, 
plan  alike,  and  in  some  instances  even  to  look  alike.  Back  of  the  com- 
mon gestures  and  facial  expressions  are  common  attitudes  and  beliefs. 
These  habits  serve  as  an  additional  source  of  solidarity  in  marriage. 

Couples  find  that  one  of  the  techniques  for  making  marriage  work  is 
to  enter  wholeheartedly  into  the  business  of  building  common  habits. 
They  may  lose  some  of  their  premarriage  individuality  and  independ- 
ence, but  they  gain  a  more  satisfying  personality  in  the  process. 


Habits  and  Resistance  to  Change 

In  any  marriage,  after  the  initial  adjustments  to  personal  idiosyncrasies 
have  been  made  and  routines  established,  a  level  is  reached  at  which  the 
married  pair  feels  comfortable.  Decisions  have  been  reached  concern- 

6  Ibid.,  pp.  328-329. 


310  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

ing  the  division  of  duties,  and  the  time  schedule  for  each  day  has  been 
committed  to  memory.  The  routines  are  fast  becoming  habits  through 
repetition  and  the  achievement  of  satisfying  results.  The  major  needs 
are  being  met,  the  major  drives  satisfied.  The  fact  that  habits  are  estab- 
lished makes  experimentation  less  and  less  necessary.  The  couple  are 
finding  the  grooves,  and  married  life  is  gradually  reaching  an  optimum 
level  of  interaction. 

These  routines  act  for  the  marriage  as  a  gyroscope  acts  for  a  ship, 
pulling  it  back  on  an  even  keel  when  it  is  about  to  go  over.  It  some- 
times seems  inevitable  that  a  particular  marriage  should  break  up  in 
divorce  or  desertion.  Conflicts  arise  which  seem  impossible  to  resolve, 
but  somehow  equilibrium  is  restored,  and  things  go  on  very  much  as  be- 
fore. Sometimes,  too,  a  series  of  fortunate  events  makes  it  look  as  if  a 
marriage  were  going  to  reach  a  level  of  impossible  happiness  —  but  that 
also  passes. 

An  illustration  may  help  to  explain  the  tendency  to  stabilize  mar- 
riage at  a  given  level.  When  there  is  a  "blow-up"  each  person  is  con- 
scious of  the  cultural  standards  (that  is,  what  is  right  in  the  situation) 
and  of  the  fact  that  friends  and  families  would  disapprove  if  the  truth 
were  known.  To  add  to  their  sense  of  guilt  the  couple  may  hear  a 
sermon,  or  read  a  story,  or  hear  a  bit  of  gossip  about  a  recently  divorced 
couple  which  reminds  them  of  the  cultural  norm.  Discussion  and 
reconciliation  follow  and  the  marriage  is  restored  to  its  normal  level. 
Thereafter  the  couple  is  tempted  to  let  sleeping  dogs  lie.  Ways  are 
found  for  settling  conflicts  with  a  minimum  of  disturbance.7 

Another  explanation  of  marriage  stabilization  lies  in  an  understand- 
able reluctance  to  change  a  mutually  satisfying  relation  in  favor  of 
something  new  or  unknown.  The  collective  habits  of  a  married  pair 
are  solidly  based  on  the  needs  and  motives  of  both  parties  —  or  at  least 
they  were  originally  built  up  to  satisfy  the  couple's  needs.  As  long  as 
these  needs  are  satisfied  there  is  inertia  to  change.  Another  kind  of  re- 
luctance to  change  arises  from  the  inability  of  either  partner  to  know 
the  mind  of  the  other  and  the  consequent  difficulty  of  getting  together 
on  any  ground  other  than  that  they  now  share. 

In  sum,  one  of  the  forces  holding  marriages  together  is  the  reluc- 
tance to  give  up  "a  good  thing."  The  marriage  may  not  be  perfect,  but 
to  break  habits  is  painful.  They  become  vested  interests,  active  in  their 

7  Adapted  from  Waller,  op.  cit.,  p.  331. 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  311 

own  perpetuation,  as  anyone  knows  who  has  tried  to  quit  smoking  or 
doodling. 


Working  toward  a  Common  Goal 

Dick  is  a  medical  student  just  beginning  his  four-year  course  and 
would  like  to  get  married,  but  he  is  afraid  it  is  impossible  for  about  six 
years.  He  has  his  M.D.  to  get  first,  followed  by  an  internship  and 
residence  work.  Marie  suggests  that  there  are  things  a  girl  would  dis- 
like more  than  working  jointly  with  a  man  for  an  M.D.  It  would  be 
their  M.D.,  and  they  would  share  the  experiences  and  sacrifices  to- 
gether, if  they  were  married. 

In  the  struggle  to  reach  a  common  goal,  a  new  feeling  arises,  a  sense 
of  having  fought  and  bled  together.  Pride  in  common  achievement, 
the  sense  of  superiority  which  common  accomplishments  bring,  or  the 
feeling  of  struggling  together  against  misfortune  —  such  experiences  are 
basic  to  marriage  solidarity.  They  form  a  backlog  to  hold  the  marriage 
together  in  the  crises  which  follow  later  in  family  life.  The  reference 
to  "leaner"  days,  the  technique  of  reminiscing  together,  reminders  of 
the  history  of  the  relation,  these  can  be  called  up  when  trouble  arises 
on  the  home  front. 

In  Chapter  Twenty,  "Marriage  Isn't  What  It  Used  to  Be,"  it  will  be 
pointed  out  that  the  family  has  lost  many  of  the  old-time  economic 
functions  which  made  it  a  partnership.  In  the  old-style  family,  making 
a  living  was  a  common  enterprise  which  tied  the  family  members  to- 
gether. Today  it  is  more  typical  that  the  man  earn  and  the  woman 
spend  the  living.  In  the  modern  family,  mutual  interdependence  arises 
largely  out  of  husband  and  wife's  sharing  the  budgeting  and  planning 
of  expenditures,  the  joint  consumption  rather  than  the  joint  production 
of  economic  goods.  In  addition,  it  must  be  admitted  that  the  divi- 
sion of  familial  duties  between  man  and  wife  makes  for  interdepend- 
ence, as  any  husband  will  find  who  is  forced  by  circumstances  to  take 
over  the  task  of  managing  the  home  while  his  wife  is  gone.  One  har- 
ried husband  found,  thanks  to  his  rich  parental  family  training,  that  he 
had  been  given  some  background  for  all  except  one  of  the  wifely  home- 
making  duties.  Can  you  guess  what  it  was?  Braiding  his  daughter's 
hair!  Even  so,  this  husband's  life  was  immeasurably  brighter  when  his 
wife  returned,  and  the  balance  of  duties  was  established  once  again. 


312  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

Another  phase  of  partnership  centers  around  buying  furniture  and 
setting  up  a  home.  The  things  you  buy  are  often  bought  after  much 
deliberation.  You  scrimped  and  saved  for  each  stick  of  furniture. 
Each  item  brings  to  memory  a  multitude  of  associations  which  solidify 
marriage.  In  the  divorce  process  the  most  painful  step  of  all  is  breaking 
up  housekeeping  and  distributing  the  furniture.  The  converse  of  break- 
ing up  housekeeping  is  the  solidifying  function  of  building  a  home  by 
self-sacrifice  and  hard  work.  The  good  family  person  comes  to  talk 
about  his  accomplishments  and  his  possessions  as  "ours":  "our  degree/' 
"This  is  our  chance/'  "When  we  bought  this,  Jane  was  just  a  baby/' 
"We  saved  for  six  months  for  our  coffee  table." 

Another  evidence  of  partnership  as  a  binding  force  in  marriage  is 
seen  in  the  unselfish  goals  which  a  pair  will  set  for  themselves.  Many 
marriages  are  initiated  and  grow  as  the  participants  strive  to  serve  hu- 
manity in  specific  ways.  The  ideal  of  alleviating  the  lot  of  the  sick  and 
the  lame,  of  leaving  society  the  better  for  their  marriage,  unifies  many 
modern  couples.  An  age-old  ideal  is  that  of  rearing  healthy,  useful 
children,  and  this  appears  to  be  positively  related  to  marital  happiness. 
Couples  are  drawn  together  and  their  marriage  is  given  meaning  as  a 
partnership  by  the  wider  interests  and  services  which  they  care  about. 

The  Role  of  Love 

Not  to  discuss  the  role  of  love  in  holding  a  marriage  together  would 
be  an  oversight.  We  have  tried  to  show  first  that  there  are  other  forces 
working  to  this  same  end:  the  forces  of  public  approval,  the  meeting  of 
basic  needs  of  affection  and  security,  habits  of  living  together,  interests 
and  intimate  jokes  in  common,  experiences  in  working  toward  a  com- 
mon goal,  interdependence  because  of  duties  performed,  and  inertia  to 
change,  all  of  which  have  a  part  in  maintaining  the  integrity  of  a  mar- 
riage. It  is  difficult  to  know  exactly  what  role  love  plays  in  the  whole 
picture. 

We  are  sure  of  one  thing,  that  the  romantic  dogma  has  been  a  major 
source  of  premature  break-ups  through  its  brittle  philosophy,  "if  you 
really  loved  me  you  wouldn't  do  this."  Not  helpful  to  marriage  soli- 
darity are  the  following  romantic  notions:  that  a  marriage  will  ride 
through  on  love  alone,  that  it  doesn't  take  working  at,  and  that  true 
love  always  runs  smoothly.  Every  marriage  faces  bumps  and  jolts  — 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  313 

to  pretend  otherwise  is  fantastic.  The  all  too  frequent  example  of  the 
woman  who  runs  out  on  a  marriage  before  it  really  gets  started  just  be- 
cause her  husband  acts  like  a  human  being  instead  of  a  Prince  Charm- 
ing derives  support  from  the  romantic  love  philosophy.  Marriages 
based  mainly  on  romantic  love  are  precariously  set  up,  because  they 
weaken  as  the  emotion  itself  changes. 

Conjugal  love  is  quite  another  emotion.  It  grows  as  the  marriage 
progresses,  thrives  on  companionship,  common  experiences,  and  the 
number  of  happy  episodes  which  are  scattered  through  a  rich  marriage. 
Conjugal  love  builds  on  the  familiar,  the  mementos,  the  souvenirs,  and 
waxes  stronger  with  each  additional  year  of  marriage.  Unlike  romantic 
love,  conjugal  love  is  impossible  for  newly  acquainted  young  people, 
since  it  requires  time  to  form  and  grows  from  continuous  association. 
Romantic  love  is  greatest  where  each  party  knows  least  about  the  other 
—  you  see,  reality  gets  in  the  way  of  romance.  This  is  the  love  that  is 
blind. 

As  conjugal  love  comes  to  the  fore  in  marriage  the  relationship  is 
strengthened.  Few  marriages  in  America  persist  over  any  length  of 
time  without  developing  conjugal  love  sentiments,  because  they  are 
based  on  companionship  and  common  interests  which  intertwine  the 
experiences  of  established  marriages.  In  contrast,  romantic  love  gradu- 
ally disappears  in  the  companionable  marriage  except  for  the  lip  service 
paid  it  in  the  exaggerated  moments  of  bliss  which  occasionally  occur 
throughout  married  life.  Romantic  love  as  a  solidifying  factor  in  mar- 
riage gives  way  to  conjugal  love,  which  is  more  mature  and  more  com- 
patible with  the  companionable  features  of  contemporary  marriages. 


The  Two  Shall  Be  One 

Married  love,  which  we  have  called  conjugal  love,  finds  expression  in 
many  day-by-day  experiences.  None  of  these  is  more  effective  as  a  uni- 
fying force  than  regular,  satisfying  sex  intercourse.  The  regular  release 
of  tension  in  coitus  is  extremely  satisfying  in  the  purely  physical  sense, 
and  in  addition  it  serves  as  an  expression  of  fulfillment  for  the  entire 
relationship. 

Fred  and  Mabel  are  examples  of  happily  married  people.  Fred 
comes  home  from  a  busy  day  at  the  plant  full  of  the  doings  of  his  day. 
He  tells  Mabel  about  how  grouchy  the  boss  is,  how  green  his  new  assist- 


314  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

ant  is,  how  much  progress  he  is  making  on  his  new  machine,  what  he 
had  for  lunch,  and  what  a  funny  duck  he  got  to  talking  to  on  the  way 
home  on  the  bus.  This  conversation  takes  up  most  of  the  dinner  hour; 
it  leaves  Fred  relaxed  at  having  spilled  his  day's  experiences  and  gives 
Mabel  the  feeling  that  she  has  been  a  part  of  Fred's  day. 

Mabel  too  has  things  to  relate.  She  wants  to  share  excerpts  of  the 
letter  she  has  just  received  from  her  folks.  She  is  eager  to  discuss  with 
Fred  what  they  will  do  with  her  mother  when  her  father  goes  (this  last 
letter  tells  of  another  heart  attack,  and  both  Fred  and  Mabel  know  that 
some  day  soon  there  will  be  one  too  many  of  them).  Although  they 
don't  reach  a  final  decision,  Mabel  senses  that  Fred  is  back  of  her,  what- 
ever happens,  and  she  feels  a  sudden  burst  of  affection  for  her  good  old 
dependable  Fred  right  there  while  they  are  finishing  dessert.  She  gets 
confidence  to  confess  that  she  has  been  running  over  her  budget  for  the 
month,  which  they  talk  over  with  some  heat.  They  end  up  with  an 
understanding  of  the  financial  situation,  and  the  atmosphere  is  cleared, 
leaving  them  both  relieved. 

After  supper  they  do  the  dishes  together.  Fred  drops  and  breaks 
the  jelly  dish.  Mabel  starts  to  fuss  and  then  admits  that  she  hated  the 
thing  anyway.  They  got  it  last  Christmas  from  Aunt  Harriet,  whom 
she  always  has  disliked.  Fred  grins  and  says  he  can't  stand  her  either, 
as  he  kisses  the  back  of  Mabel's  neck.  She  leans  against  him  for  a  mo- 
ment and  observes  that  this  is  one  thing  she  likes  about  him :  they  both 
dislike  the  same  people. 

Aunt  Harriet  gets  a  going  over  by  both  of  them  as  they  move  into  the 
living  room  and  turn  on  the  radio.  Their  favorite  mystery  couple  comes 
on  for  a  half  hour,  leaving  them  feeling  as  if  they  too  had  been  out  on 
an  adventure.  Fred  puts  on  some  records  that  they  both  enjoy  and 
goes  over  his  paper  once  more,  and  Mabel  sews  in  front  of  the  fire. 
The  clock  strikes  ten  as  the  symphony  hour  comes  on.  They  are  both 
tired  but  agree  to  stay  up  until  the  program  is  over.  Mabel  puts  up  her 
sewing  and  stretches  out  on  the  sofa.  Fred  drops  his  paper  and  comes 
over  to  sit  beside  her.  As  a  favorite  passage  of  music  flows  into  the 
room,  Fred  squeezes  Mabel's  hand  and  smiles  into  her  eyes. 

By  bedtime  there  has  developed  a  strong  sense  of  belonging  to  each 
other,  a  feeling  of  true  unity.  Sex  intercourse  then  becomes  not  just  a 
physical  release,  but  a  symbol  of  the  whole  relationship.  Into  it  flow 
the  meanings  and  the  feeling  tones  of  the  broken  jelly  dish  and  the  mu- 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  315 

sic  and  Fred's  boss  and  Mabel's  mother  and  all  the  security  that  has 
come  from  working  it  all  through  together. 

Next  morning  Fred  gets  up  feeling  like  a  million,  and  leaves  for 
work  with  the  conviction  that  it  would  take  a  dozen  bosses  to  get  him 
down  today.  Mabel  goes  out  to  shop  with  a  tune  on  her  lips,  and  in 
her  mind  a  resolution  to  economize.  Both  face  the  new  day  with  more 
poise,  more  peace,  more  strength  and  courage,  because  the  two  are  one. 

The  accompanying  diagram  shows  roughly  what  the  sex  relationship 
has  meant  to  Fred  and  Mabel  in  symbolizing  their  sense  of  unity. 

Fred's  day-v  /-Fred's  day  again  (Mabel  understands) 

Mabel's  mother -A  TH^          AT  Mabel's  mother  is  Fred's  too 

The  budget     ] SEX f     The  budget  will  balance 

Aunt  Harriet  -'I       SYMBOL      V  It's  fun  to  agree  on  pet  hates 

The  music-'  *-  We  must  play  our  records  more  often 

Making  Marriage  Fun 

When  the  peace  of  the  household  has  been  broken  and  the  offending 
party  finds  himself  in  the  doghouse,  he  may  utilize  any  number  of  de- 
vices to  restore  the  status  quo,  one  of  the  most  effective  being  the  use 
of  humor.  There  is  something  funny  about  almost  every  marital  crisis 
if  the  participants  don't  take  themselves  too  seriously.  A  mate  with  a 
funnybone  is  an  asset  to  any  partnership  and  has  saved  many  a  marriage 
from  cracking  up. 

Conciliatory  devices  become  extremely  handy  to  "save  face"  in  a 
tense  situation  and  are  most  often  learned  in  the  parental  family  in  the 
process  of  growing  up.  In  our  culture  we  have  developed  a  repertoire 
of  techniques  which  most  of  us  recognize  when  they  are  used  on  us,  but 
which  enable  us  to  save  face  and  make  up  if  we  really  want  to.  These 
devices  are  no  cure  for  fundamental  alienation,  but  they  tide  over  many 
a  marriage  in  the  early  stages  of  conflict  to  the  point  where  a  workable 
balance  is  attainable.  Every  couple  should  be  familiar  with  these  tech- 
niques and  should  learn  to  use  them  to  advantage.  They  are:  i.  humor 
twists,  such  as  punning,  kidding,  infantilisms;  2.  storytelling;  3.  com- 
pliments and  flattery;  4.  tension-dispelling  devices,  such  as  walking, 
swearing,  crying;  5.  appeals  to  the  past  history  of  the  relationship; 


316  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

6.  displacing  hostility  onto  a  pet  peeve  common  to  both;  7.  apologies, 
resolutions  to  improve,  statements  of  plans  for  the  future,  etc. 


Weathering  the  Storms 

No  marriage  can  be  called  a  strong  marriage  at  the  outset.  It  is  untried, 
untested;  only  after  experiences  with  normal  conflict  and  only  after 
meeting  such  crises  as  war  separations,  depressions,  unemployment,  or 
serious  illness  can  we  be  assured  of  the  fundamental  solidarity  of  a  mar- 
riage. This  is  to  say  that  a  marriage  is  both  tested  and  strengthened  by 
the  crises  it  has  overcome.  We  have  heard  people  jsay,  "If  we  get 
through  this  crisis  we  know  we  can  face  anything  together/'  and,  "We 
got  married  during  the  depression  when  there  weren't  any  jobs,  and 
we  lived  on  $50  a  month  for  two  years  and  it  brought  us  together  as 
nothing  else  could.  We  depended  on  ourselves  for  moral  support,  and 
our  recreation  consisted  of  walks  to  all  the  free  museums  and  factories 
in  the  city  and  attendance  at  all  the  free  concerts  of  the  city  symphony 
orchestra.  We  shall  never  be  afraid  of  facing  impoverishment,  because 
we  know  from  experience  we  can  take  it!" 

Some  of  the  forces  we  usually  think  of  as  making  for  break-ups  also 
make  for  solidarity.  It  is  a  source  of  security  to  a  married  couple  to 
have  been  through  enough  conflicts  to  learn  how  to  handle  them.  The 
pair  need  no  longer  be  afraid  if  tensions  build  up  to  a  high  pitch;  a 
blow-up  might  clear  the  air.  A  good  fight  defines  the  issues,  and  leaves 
the  combatants  knowing  that  they  are  still  loved  and  can  get  away  with 
airing  their  differences.  Over  a  period  of  time  grievances  accumulate 
and  tension  arises.  There  is  a  quarrel,  and  the  grievances  are  expressed. 
Both  persons  experience  a  purging  of  their  souls,  and  then  settle  back 
into  the  accustomed  level  of  routine  interaction.  Crises,  conflict,  and 
illnesses,  mastered  and  assimilated,  act  as  forces  to  hold  marriage  to- 
gether. 

Why  People  Stay  Married 

Much  has  been  written  about  marital  conflict  but  relatively  little  about 
marital  solidarity.  The  happily  married  pair  have  until  recently  kept 
their  secrets  locked  up  — only  the  alienated  and  the  divorced  have 
spilled  for  research  workers.  As  far  as  we  have  gone  in  our  discussion 


WHAT    HOLDS    A    MARRIAGE    TOGETHER?  317 

of  marital  solidarity,  we  are  on  firm  ground,  however.  We  have  drawn 
largely  from  materials  on  well-adjusted  families  obtained  from  shrewd 
observers  of  family  life  and  from  the  files  of  marital  guidance  clinics, 
which  deal  with  both  marital  failures  and  marital  successes. 

What  are  the  factors  which  hold  marriages  together  in  America  to- 
day? 

1  Couples  begin  marriage  with  the  expectation  of  success,  and  this  ideal  of 
solidarity  holds  them  together. 

2  Much  of  social  life  is  organized  around  married  pairs  —  there  is  no  satis- 
factory provision  for  the  single  person,  unmarried,  widowed,  or  divorced. 

3  Couples  find  uniquely  supplied  in  the  marriage  relationship  the  satisfac- 
tion of  many  basic  adult  needs:  the  desire  for  affection,  companionship, 
security,  recognition,  response,  and  understanding. 

4  Common  interests,  family  jokes,  and  common  experiences  hold  marriage 
together. 

5  Marriage  becomes  a  habit  which  is  painful  to  break;  the  interdependence 
which  develops  because  of  duties  performed  solidifies  marriage. 

6  In  the  struggle  for  a  common  goal  a  new  feeling  of  unity  arises,  a  sense 
of  having  fought  and  bled  together. 

7  Conjugal  love  is  a  tying  factor  which  grows  as  marriage  progresses,  thrives 
on  companionship,  common  experiences,  and  the  memory  of  things  fa- 
miliar. 

8  The  meeting  of  sexual  needs  comes  to  symbolize  for  the  couple  the  sense 
of  growing  unity  in  the  marriage  relationship. 

9  The  use  of  tension-dispelling  devices  tides  over  many  marriages  in  the 
early  stages  of  conflict  to  the  point  where  a  workable  balance  is  attain- 
able. 

10  Crises  such  as  war  separations,  impoverishment,  and  serious  illnesses  test 
and  may  strengthen  the  untried  marriage. 

Selected  Readings 

BOWMAN,   HENRY  A.,   Marriage  for  Moderns    (New  York:    McGraw-Hill, 

1948),  Chap.  10. 
LANDIS,  JUDSON  T.,  AND  LANDis,  MARY,  Building  A  Successful  Marriage  (New 

York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  chaps.  10-14. 
LEVY,  JOHN,  AND  MUNROE,  RUTH,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf, 

1938),  Chap.  5. 

MAYO,   ELTON,   "Should  Marriage  Be   Monotonous?"   Harper's  Magazine 

(September,  1925),  Vol.  151,  pp.  420-427. 
MERRILL,  FRANCIS  E.,  Courtship  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Sloane,  1949), 

chaps.  13-14. 


318  WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    MARRIED 

WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 
tion (New  York:  Dryden  Press,  1951),  chaps.  14-16. 

Technical  References 

BURGESS,  ERNEST  w.,  AND  LOCKE,  HARVEY,  The  Family:  From  Institution  to 
Companionship  (New  York:  American  Book,  1945),  Chap.  11,  "Family 
Unity." 

FISHBEIN,    MORRIS,    AND    BURGESS,    ERNEST    W.     (EDS.),    Successful    Marriage 

(Philadelphia:  Blakiston,  1949),  Chap.  8,  "Psychological  Factors  in  Mari- 
tal Adjustments." 

FOLSOM,  JOSEPH  K.,  The  Family  and  Democratic  Society  (New  York:  Wiley. 
1943),  Chap.  12,  "Personality  and  Marital  Happiness." 

MAGOUN,  F.  A.,  Love  and  Marriage  (New  York:  Harper,  1948),  Chap.  2, 
"The  Nature  of  Marriage." 

WINCH,  ROBERT  F.,  The  Modern  Family  (New  York:  Holt,  1952),  Chap.  15, 
"Companionship  Love  and  Marriage:  A  Theory  of  Complementary 
Needs." 


PART 


THE  MAKING  OF  A  FAMILY 

WHERE   BABIES   COME   FROM 

GETTING  READY   TO  BE   PARENTS 

WHAT   IT   MEANS   TO  BE   PARENTS 

FAMILY   LIFE  AND  RELIGIOUS   LIVING 


CHAPTER  SIXTEEN 


N 


"And  he  looks  just  like  his  dad  .  .  ." 


WHERE   BABIES   COME   FROM 


Will  your  children  be  just  like  you? 

Just  what  happens  during  the  period  before  birth? 

Why  can't  some  couples  have  babies? 

How  much  does  a  baby  owe  to  heredity? 


7, 


'HERE  ARE  NO  CHILDLESS  FAMILIES,  JUST  CHILDLESS  MARRIAGES,  BE- 

cause  it  takes  a  baby  to  make  a  family  out  of  a  marriage.  This  chapter 
is  devoted  to  the  discussion  of  what  it  takes  to  bring  a  baby  into  the 
world,  the  process  of  embryonic  growth  from  fertilized  ovum  to  finished 
product.  Each  baby  that  is  born  has  a  history  which  starts  long  before 
its  squeal  is  heard  in  the  delivery  room.  To  tell  that  story  is  our  pres- 
ent assignment. 

How  Much  Do  You  Know  about  Heredity? 

In  reviewing  where  babies  come  from  we  look  first  at  the  endowments 
each  starts  with,  his  inheritances.  What  do  you  know  about  heredity? 
Try  yourself  out  on  the  following  test  by  Dr.  Amram  Scheinfeld.1  Mark 
each  statement  true  or  false.  Check  your  answers  with  those  of  Dr. 
Scheinfeld,  which  follow  immediately  after  the  test.  Give  yourself  ten 
points  for  each  right  answer.  Then  add  up  your  score  and  see  how 
you  stand;  80  to  100  is  excellent,  60  to  80  is  good,  40  to  60  is  average, 
20  to  40  means  that  you  will  learn  a  lot  from  this  chapter  that  you 
never  knew  before. 

1  Reprinted  by  special  permission  of  the  Curtis  Publishing  Company;  see 
Amram  Scheinfeld,  "How  Much  Do  You  Know  about  Heredity?"  Ladies'  Home 
Journal,  November,  1941,  pp.  121-123. 


322  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

i  A  child's  sex  is  determined  by  the  father. 

2  A  son  born  to  a  man  of  seventy  will  be  weaker  than  one  he  fa- 
thered at  thirty. 

3  A  pregnant  mother  can  in  no  way  improve  the  future  character  of 

her  child  by  keeping  her  thoughts  pure,  listening  to  good  music, 
reading  inspiring  books,  and  so  on. 

4  The  mother  contributes  more  to  her  son's  heredity  than  does  the 

father. 

5  Redheads  are  by  nature  more  passionate  than  blondes. 

6  In  a  blood  transfusion,  a  mother's  blood  is  safest  for  her  child. 

7  A  Negro  child  may  be  born  to  an  apparently  white  couple  if  one 

of  them  had  a  Negro  ancestor. 
8  Members  of  certain  human  races  cannot  reproduce  if  mated  with 

members  of  a  widely  different  race. 

9  Women  have  just  as  much  native  intelligence  as  men. 

10  There  are  no  human  "thoroughbred"  families. 

Here  are  the  facts:  .-^ 

1  (True.)    The  human  male  produces  two  kinds  of  sperm  which  differ  in 
a  minute  degree  with  respect  to  sex-determining  properties.     The  egg 
produced  by  the  mother  is  "neutral."    Thus  if  one  type  of  sperm  (con- 
taining an  "X"  chromosome)  fertilizes  the  egg,  the  result  will  be  a  girl; 
if  the  other  type  (containing  a  "Y"  chromosome),  a  boy  results. 

2  (False.)    Neither  the  age  nor  the  condition  of  the  father  can  change  the 
nature  of  the  chromosomes  (hereditary  factors)  which  he  transmits  to  a 
child. 

3  (True.)    Any  hereditary  factors  bearing  on  the  child's  character  are  in  it 
the  moment  it  is  conceived.    Not  until  after  it  is  born  can  the  mother 
influence  the  child's  character  for  the  better. 

4  (True.)    While  their  contributions  to  a  child's  heredity  are  in  all  other 
respects  equal,  the  sex  chromosome  ("X")   contributed  by  mother  to 
son  contains  many  additional  "genes"  not  present  in  the  sex  chromo- 
some ("Y")   from  the  father.     Thus,  certain  defects  — such  as  hemo- 
philia —  are  passed  on  to  sons  only  by  their  mothers,  because  the  genes 
for  them  occur  only  in  the  sex  chromosome  they  get  from  her. 

5  (False.)    The  hereditary  factors  producing  hair  coloring  (and  eye  color- 
ing as  well)  are  not  linked  with  those  making  for  any  specific  type  of  per- 
sonality.   Any  kind  of  coloring  may  go  with  any  kind  of  temperament. 

6  (False.)     A  mother's  blood  may  often  be  as  different  from  her  child's 
and  as  dangerous  to  transfuse  as  that  of  some  total  stranger.    Blood  types 
are  inherited  through  a  combination  of  factors  from  both  parents,  and  it 
is  just  as  possible  for  a  child  and  parent  to  have  different  blood  types  as 
to  have  different-colored  eyes. 

7  (False.)    Only  if  both  parents  have  Negro  blood,  and  in  a  considerable 
degree,  can  a  Negro  baby  appear.     Stories  to  the  contrary  are  either 
myths  or  cases  of  doubtful  paternity. 


WHERE    BABIES    COME    FROM  323 

8  (False.)    All  human  beings  belong  to  the  same  species,  Homo  sapiens, 
and  are  fertile  with  one  another. 

9  (True.)     All  intelligence  tests  now  indicate  that  women  have  as  much 
mental  capacity  as  men,  but  that  any  intellectual  inferiority  on  their  part 
is  due  to  less  opportunity  to  develop  themselves. 

10  (True.)  To  produce  human  thoroughbreds,  as  in  domestic  animals, 
would  have  required  the  closest  inbreeding  between  mothers  and  sons, 
fathers  and  daughters,  brothers  and  sisters.  As  matters  stand,  all  hu- 
mans, even  members  of  royalty,  are  biologically  mongrels. 

No  One  Else  Just  Like  You!  You  are  somebody  very  special.  There 
never  has  been  anyone  like  you.  There  isn't  one  chance  in  300,000,000,- 
000,000  of  there  ever  being  another  person  just  like  you!  Yet  you  were 
not  a  haphazard  accident  that  could  happen  only  once  in  the  history 
of  mankind.  You  were  rather  the  result  of  a  complete  new  deal  of 
human  characteristics.  Every  one  of  your  children,  and  your  grand- 
children, and  their  children  will  be  quite  as  unique  —  yet  they  will  be 
your  progeny  and  draw  from  the  same  general  pool  of  inheritance  that 
produced  you.  With  Nature  emphasizing  uniqueness  so  strongly,  how 
does  she  do  it?  What  is  the  process  by  which  you  became  you  in  the 
first  place? 

The  fact  that  your  father  chose  your  mother  (or  the  other  way 
around)  brought  together  two  streams  of  heredity  that  had  been 
branching  out  in  similar  twosomes  since  the  beginning  of  time.  And 
then  out  of  the  hundreds  of  human  ova  produced  by  your  mother  and 
the  hundreds  of  millions  of  sperm  available  from  your  father,  the  fusion 
of  the  particular  egg  with  the  particular  sperm  that  started  you  off  was 
something  that  never  could  happen  twice  the  same  way. 

You  began  with  the  union  of  one  of  your  mother's  human  eggs 
which,  though  no  bigger  than  a  fraction  of  a  dot  on  this  paper,  carried 
the  full  deal  of  her  side  of  the  family  to  you,  and  the  microscopic  sperm 
which  brought  you  everything  that  had  been  dealt  out  for  you  from 
your  father's  side  of  the  house.  The  microscopic  miracle  that  carried 
all  your  characteristics  and  inherent  tendencies  in  this  union  of  two 
germ  cells  was  an  elaborate  and  highly  exact  arrangement  of  ultra- 
minute  packets  of  hereditary  determiners  called  genes.  For  each  char- 
acteristic that  was  inherited  there  was  a  pair  of  genes  (one  from  father, 
one  from  mother).  The  color  of  your  eyes,  the  shape  of  your  nose, 
the  set-up  of  your  body,  the  length  of  your  fingers,  the  tendency  to 
freckle  or  not,  to  sing  on  key  or  not,  and  to  have  twins  or  not,  these  and 


324  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

all  of  your  other  characteristics  were  to  be  found  in  potential  form  in 
the  genes  somewhere  in  the  fertilized  ovum  which,  in  time,  was  to  be 
you. 

These  genes  are  strung  like  beads  on  a  string,  each  one  exactly 
matching  in  position  the  parallel  gene  of  every  other  germ  cell,  and 
separated  at  convenient  lengths  in  tiny  bodies  called  chromosomes. 
Military  drill  has  nothing  on  chromosome  formation.  There  are  al- 
ways the  same  number  when  they  line  up  for  review,  each  one  in  its 
place. 

Deep  in  your  reproductive  organs  is  a  cluster  of  cells  that  exist  for 
the  sole  purpose  of  transmitting  your  particular  line-up  of  genes  and 
chromosomes  to  your  children.  These  germ  cells  (produced  in  the 
ovaries  of  the  girl  and  in  the  testes  of  the  boy)  coast  along  through 
childhood  without  much  activity.  At  adolescence  the  ovaries  and  testes 
begin  their  business  of  turning  out  at  regular  intervals  the  germ  cells 
that  have  the  capacity  of  making  a  parent  of  you  —  an  ovum  every 
month  in  the  girl,  hundreds  of  millions  of  sperm  every  few  days  in  the 
boy.  Whether  you  marry  or  not,  these  germ  cells  are  produced  with 
a  faithful  regularity  throughout  your  active  adulthood.  In  germ  cell 
production,  instead  of  each  chromosome  splitting  to  form  48  new  ones 
for  each  cell,  each  pair  of  chromosomes  separates  and  one  goes  into 
each  new  cell,  so  that  the  final  germ  cell  has  just  half  of  the  original 
twenty-four  pairs,  twenty-four  singles.  Twenty-four  singles  from  the 
mother  plus  twenty-four  singles  from  the  father  equal  twenty-four  new 
pairs  when  they  unite  to  form  the  beginnings  of  a  new  baby.  Twenty- 
four  pairs  of  chromosomes,  each  with  its  own  gene  determiners,  now 
struggle  for  dominance.  Some  characteristics  cover  up  others,  in  the 
same  way  that  darker  colors  cover  lighter  ones  on  a  canvas.  A  gene  for 
dark  hair,  for  instance,  finding  itself  paired  off  with  a  gene  for  blond 
locks,  has  the  right  of  way  and  wins  the  race  for  expression  in  the  new 
individual.  This  tendency  for  some  genes  to  win  over  others  in  the  ex- 
pression of  characteristics  is  called  dominance  and  works  according  to 
the  well-known  laws  of  heredity.  The  characteristic  that  is  there  but 
doesn't  show  in  the  new  individual  is  said  to  be  recessive  (blond  hair 
coloring  in  the  illustration  above  is  recessive  ...  it  doesn't  show  in 
this  person,  but  paired  off  with  another  blond  gene  in  the  next  genera- 
tion might  result  in  a  true  goldilocks).  A  monk  by  the  name  of  Men- 
del, studying  many  generations  of  flowers  in  his  garden  during  the  last 


Thfs  is  what  makes  all  the  differences  there  are 
between  a  woman  and  a  man: 


In  every  cell  of  every  female 

there  are  two  chromosomes  like 

this,  called  "X"s 


Every  cell  of  every  male  has 

only  one  "X".    Its  mate,  much 

smaller,  is  called  a  "Y" 


xx  x  y 

For  reproduction,  a  female  forms  eggs,  a  male  sperms/ 

to  each  of  which  they  contribute  only  HALF  their  quota 

of  chromosomes,  or  just  one  from  every  pair 


Since  a  female  has  TWO  "X"s,  each  egg  gets  one        But  as  the  male  has  only  ONE  "X",  paired  with 
"X",  sd  in  this  respect  every  egg  is  the  same:  «  "V",  he  forms  TWO  kinds  of  sperms: 


HALF  WITH 
AN  "X" 


HALF  WITH 

A 


Thus:  If  an  "X"-bearing  sperm  enters  the  egg, 
the  result  is  an  individual  with  TWO  "X"s 


A  GIRL 


.  If  6  ""/"-bearing  sperm  enters  the  egg, 
the  result  is  an  "XY"  individual,  or 


A  BOY 


From  Amram  Scheinfeld,  You  and  Heredity  (Lippincott) 

FIG.  1     How  Sex  Is  Determined 


326  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

century,  discovered  this  tendency  of  some  genes  to  cover  the  expression 
of  others,  and  worked  out  the  mathematical  expectancy  in  each  suc- 
ceeding generation.  The  principles  of  Mendelian  heredity  are  found  to 
work  in  the  inheritance  of  some  human  characteristics,  but  it  is  not  as 
simple  as  that,  so  not  even  experts  can  reliably  predict  the  character- 
istics of  their  children.2 

Certain  other  aspects  of  inheritance  may  challenge  you:  What  de- 
termines whether  the  new  individual  will  be  male  or  female?  What 
happens  when  babies  come  as  twins  or  triplets?  How  is  skin  color  in- 
herited? 

Sex  Determination.  Careful  perusal  of  Figure  i  shows  that  the  father 
is  responsible  for  determining  the  sex  of  his  child.  There  are  appar- 
ently two  kinds  of  spermatozoa,  and  the  sex  of  the  child  is  determined 
by  the  type  which  enters  the  Fallopian  tubes  first  and  fertilizes  the  egg. 
There  are  hundreds  of  millions  of  sperm  in  each  ejaculation  of  semen 
and  it  is  pretty  much  a  matter  of  chance  which  type  of  sperm  reaches 
the  egg  first.  Since  a  few  more  boys  than  girls  are  conceived,  there 
would  seem  to  be  a  slight  advantage  in  favor  of  the  male-determining 
sperm.  The  normal  ratio  of  105  boy  babies  to  100  girls  at  birth  in  the 
U.S. A.  varies  slightly  with  race  and  age  of  mothers,3  but  no  one  has 
been  able  to  explain  satisfactorily  just  why.  Nor  has  any  method 
emerged  that  will  reliably  select  which  type  of  sperm  will  fertilize  the 
egg,  so  that  the  sex  of  the  child-to-be  remains  a  mystery  until  the  baby 
is  born. 

Twinning.  Twinning  seems  to  run  in  families,  and  there  has  been  a 
great  deal  of  speculation  on  just  how  the  tendency  is  inherited.  No 
definitely  reliable  findings  are  available  that  will  guarantee  the  produc- 
tion of  twins  —  nor  give  insurance  against  their  arrival  in  any  given 
union!  Like  almost  all  of  the  other  products  of  gene  shuffling  there  is 
a  new  deal  for  each  new  child,  and  prediction  of  twins  is  difficult. 

Figure  2  points  to  the  following  generalizations  concerning  twins: 
i.  there  are  two  kinds  of  twins,  identical  and  fraternal;  2.  identical 
twins  come  from  the  same  fertilized  egg;  3.  identical  twins  are  always 
of  the  same  sex  and  share  the  same  heredity;  4.  fraternal  twins  come 

2  Amram  Scheinfeld,  The  New  You  and  Heredity  (Philadelphia:  Lippincott, 
1950). 

3  C.  A.  McMahan,  "An  Empirical  Test  of  Three  Hypotheses  concerning  the 
Human  Sex  Ratio  at  Birth  in  the  United  States,  1915-1948,"  Milbank  Memorial 
Fund  Quarterly  (July,  1951),  pp.  273-93. 


IDENTICAL  TWINS 
Are  products  of 


A  single 
sperm 


In  an  early  stage 
the  embryo  divides 


The  halves  go 
on  to  become 
separate 
individuals 


Usually  —  but  not  always  —  identical 
twins  share  the  same  placenta  and 
fetal  sac 


But  regardless  of  how  they  develop, 
they  carry  the  same  genes  and  are 
therefore 


Always  of  the  same  sex  —  two  boys 
or  two  girls 


FRATERNAL  TWINS 
Are  products  of  TWO  different  eggs 
fertilized  by  TWO  different  sperms 


<•) 


They  have  different  genes  and  may 
develop  in  different  ways,  usually — 
but  not  always  —  having  separate 
placentas  and  separate  fetal  sacs 


Also,  as  they  are  totally  different  in* 
dividuals,  they  may  be 


Both 
of  the 


two  girls 


-Or  a 

mixed 
pair 


From  Amram  Scheinfeld,  You  and  Heredity  (Lippincott) 

FIG.  2    How  Twins  Are  Produced 


328  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

from  two  different  fertilized  eggs,  that  is,  two  eggs  and  two  sperm; 
5.  fraternal  twins  have  no  more  in  common  in  their  heredity  than 
other  brothers  and  sisters,  except  that  they  have  shared  the  mother's 
uterus;  and  6.  fraternal  twins  may  be  of  the  same  sex  or  of  different 
sexes. 

Triplets,  quadruplets,  and  quintuplets  are  formed  by  extensions  of 
these  two  basic  processes.  For  instance,  triplets  may  be  all  fraternal 
(three  fertilized  ova),  or  all  identical  (one  fertilized  ovum  with  two 
divisions  and  separations),  or  partially  identical  and  partially  fraternal 
(one  pair  of  identical  twins  and  a  fraternal  third  individual  conceived 
and  delivered  together).  The  famous  Dionne  quintuplets  are  appar- 
ently identical.  Often  it  is  difficult  without  scientific  assistance  to  tell 
which  type  of  twinning  has  occurred. 


CHECK  YOURSELF  Fill  in  the  blanks  from  your  reading  of  twinning  and  your  study  of 

Figure  2. 

1  The  Joneses  have  just  had  twins,  a  boy  and  a  girl.    These  twins  must  be 

2  Two  boys,  one  blond  and  blue-eyed,  the  other  dark  and  brown-eyed,  were  born 
of  the  same  mother  at  the  same  time.    They  are  probably twins. 

3  Two  girls  just  exactly  alike  have  been  born  of  the  same  mother  at  the  same  time. 
They  are  not  twins.    Therefore  they  must  be 

4  Twin  girls  marry  twin  boys.    It  is that  they  will  have  twins. 

5  Identical  twins  are  always  of  the sex. 


*  KEY  3UIBS  s     siqjssoj  y     9iom    10    sp[du;    jo 

J3S  B  jo  OMJ,  e 


How  Skin  Color  Is  Inherited.  The  facts  about  skin  color  are  not 
widely  known.  Especially  is  there  public  confusion  about  the  inheri- 
tance of  skin  color  in  interracial  unions.  The  materials  presented  in 
Figure  3  cover  only  two  types  of  skin  color  genes,  but  there  are  prob- 
ably more.  Some  of  the  facts  on  skin  color  inheritance  implied  from 
this  chart  are  worthy  of  restatement:  i.  two  full-blooded  Negroes 
could  not  have  a  white  child;  2.  two  pure  whites  could  not  have  a 
Negro  baby;  3.  two  parents  from  mixed  Negro-white  stock  might  have 
a  white  child;  4.  two  parents  from  mixed  Negro-white  stock  could  have 
q.  dark-skinned  child,  even  though  they  were  relatively  light-skinned 
themselves;  5.  in  respect  to  skin  color,  the  mulatto  is  always  of  mixed 


IF  A  NEGRO  MATES  WITH  A  WHITE: 


The  "full"  Negro  has        f    f 

TWO  sets  of  1 

<Jegro  skin-color"  genes    I      J 


"Negro 


Each  parent  contributes  to  every  child 
ONE  set.  (One  "A"  gene  and  one  "B") 


Every  child  Is  of  a 


X 


The  white  has 

two  sets  of 

"white-skin"  genes 


"blended"  (mulatto)  shade 


WHEN  TWO  MULATTOS  (like  child  above)  MATE: 


The  genes  segregate,  and  each  parent 
may  give  to  a  child  any  of  these  four 
combinations  of  "A"  and  "B"  genes: 


Mulatto  fa 

Skin  Genes         ^^ 


Ad  four 


From  both  parents  together  a  child  may  get 
any  of  nine  combinations,  including  these: 


Mulatto 
Skin  Genes 


Three 


"Negro"  genes:  "Negro"  genes: 


Two 

"Negro"  genes: 


One 
"Negro"  gene: 


O 


e 


o    e 


All  four 
'White"  genes: 

ffi 


PRODUCING  CHILDREN  OF  VARIOUS  SHADES: 


Whit* 


Black  Dark  Medium  Light 

(NOTE:  Only  two  fypes  oj  skin  color  genes  are  shown,  but  thert  probably  are  more) 

From  Amram  Scheinfeld,  You  and  Heredity  (Lippincott) 

FIG.  3    Skin  Color 


330  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

heredity,  Negro  and  white;  and  6.  a  true  black-skinned  child  can  oc- 
cur only  if  both  parents  carry  some  Negro  skin  color  genes. 


The  First  Nine  Months  of  Life 

That  period  between  the  moment  when  the  egg  is  fertilized  and  the 
time  when  the  baby  is  born  is  characterized  by  the  most  rapid  growth 
and  the  greatest  differentiation  of  the  whole  life  span,  yet  few  of  us  have 
the  opportunity  for  studying  what  happens  during  these  first  nine 
months  of  life. 

The  accompanying  pictorial  presentations  show  the  development  of 
the  baby  from  conception  through  birth. 

Figure  4  shows  a  cross  section  of  a  uterus,  a  Fallopian  tube,  and  an 
ovary.  To  check  his  familiarity  with  the  items  shown  in  the  chart,  the 
reader  might  try  to  locate  and  label  the  following:  ovary,  Graafian  fol- 
licle (there  are  three  or  four  in  the  ovary  section),  Fallopian  tube, 
uterus,  body  of  uterus,  and  cervix  of  uterus. 

The  student  will  recall  that  the  egg  released  from  the  ruptured 
Graafian  follicle  enters  the  tube,  is  usually  fertilized  there,  and  journeys 
down  the  tube  into  the  uterus.  The  journey  takes  three  to  five  days. 

The  elements  shown  in  Figure  5  are  greatly  magnified  in  size.  The 
ovum  is  several  times  larger  than  in  life.  This  picture  shows  thirteen 
stages  of  development  of  one  human  egg  from  its  place  in  the  Graafian 
follicle  through  to  the  tube,  its  fertilization,  and  its  subsequent  division 
into  many  cells  as  it  travels  down  the  tube  and  implants  itself  in  the 
wall  of  the  uterus. 

The  illustrations  in  figures  6  and  7  show  the  growth  of  the  fetus  from 
the  sixth  week  to  the  fourth  month  of  pregnancy. 

The  fertilized  egg  has  already  implanted  itself  in  the  wall  of  the 
uterus.  The  placenta  has  long  since  been  formed  and  the  baby's  circu- 
lation established  in  such  a  way  that  the  fetus  receives  its  nourish- 
ment from  the  mother's  blood  stream  without  coming  into  direct  con- 
tact with  it.  The  amniotic  (membrane)  sac  has  formed,  in  which  the 
baby  floats  in  fluid  (nature's  own  shock  absorber),  and  the  fetus  itself 
is  now  developing  at  a  rapid  pace.  At  six  weeks  the  fetus  already  has 
a  definite  shape,  although  it  cannot  yet  be  said  to  look  very  human!  By 
four  weeks  a  careful  student  may  be  able  to  identify  the  arm  and  leg 
buds,  the  spinal  column  which  ends  in  a  true-to-life  tail,  and  the  large 


^s 


Dickinson-Belskie 


FIG.  4    Cross  Section  of  Uterus  and  Related  Organs 
Be/ow:  Before  and  After  Pregnancy 


Dickinson-  B  el  skie 


FIG.  5    Travel  of  Egg:  Ovulation  to  Nidation 


Dickinson-Belskie 


FIG.  6    Fetus  at  Six  Weeks 


Dickinson- Belskie 


FIG.  7    Fetus  at  2!/2  Months  and  3'/2  Months 


Dickinson-  Belskie 


FIG.  8     Baby  Grows  Like  the  Plant 


Dickinson-Belskie 


FIG.  9    Before  Labor 


WHERE    BABIES    COME    FROM  331 

head  with  the  beginnings  of  the  eyes  and  mouth.  By  three  and  one 
half  months  (about  fourteen  weeks)  the  fetus  is  several  inches  long  and 
is  beginning  to  look  like  a  real  baby.  Although  it  weighs  only  about 
two  ounces,  it  is  already  complete  with  fingers  and  toes  and  a  very 
shapely  ear. 

The  two  pictures  in  Figure  8  are  arranged  to  show  how  the  fetus  is 
fed  through  the  umbilical  cord  and  the  placenta  in  much  the  same  way 
as  a  plant  is  nourished  through  its  stem  and  root  system.  In  the  case 
of  the  fetus,  the  blood  vessels  of  the  mother  and  those  of  the  baby  lie 
close  to  each  other  within  the  placenta,  and  the  exchange  of  food  ( from 
the  mother's  blood  to  the  baby's)  and  waste  (from  the  baby  to  the 
mother)  takes  place  through  the  membranes  of  the  blood  vessels.  The 
mother's  blood  does  not  enter  the  baby.  Blood  from  the  placenta  is 
conveyed  by  blood  vessels  in  the  cord  to  the  baby. 

Figure  9  shows  the  baby  in  the  uterus  just  before  labor  begins.  The 
baby  is  full  term  and  is  ready  to  be  born.  Now  it  weighs  seven  and  one 
half  pounds,  more  or  less,  and  is  about  twenty  inches  long.  The  baby 
is  in  the  best  position  for  birth  with  the  head  against  the  cervix.  See 
if  you  can  find  the  following  landmarks  of  the  mother's  anatomy:  the 
bladder  (squeezed  between  the  baby's  head  and  the  bone  in  front), 
the  colon,  the  vagina,  the  pubic  symphysis,  the  end  of  the  mother's 
spinal  column. 

Figure  10  shows  the  cervix  dilating  (notice  how  much  thinner  it  is 
than  in  Figure  9).  The  mother  is  now  in  labor.  The  first  stage  of 
labor,  in  which  the  cervix  dilates  enough  to  let  the  baby  through,  usu- 
ally lasts  about  sixteen  hours  for  a  first  baby  (less  for  subsequent  chil- 
dren) and  is  characterized  by  rhythmic  pains  that  increase  in  intensity 
and  frequency  until  the  cervix  is  completely  open.  It  is  early  in  the  first 
stage  that  the  woman  usually  notifies  her  physician  of  labor  pains.  She 
will  be  ordered  to  the  hospital  when  the  interval  between  pains  is  from 
ten  to  fifteen  minutes. 

Figure  11  shows  the  cervix  completely  open.  One  thin  portion  of 
the  cervix  shows  just  at  the  baby's  right  ear  lobe,  the  other  high  on  the 
forehead.  The  mother  is  now  in  the  second  stage  of  labor,  in  which 
the  pains  come  frequently  and  with  great  intensity.  The  pains  now 
have  a  bearing-down  quality  as  the  uterine  muscles  attempt  to  expel  the 
baby.  This  stage  of  labor  lasts  for  an  hour  or  two  and  is  usually  made 
endurable  for  the  woman  by  anesthetic  or  analgesic. 


332  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

In  Figure  12  we  see  the  baby's  head  already  born  and  the  doctor 
assisting  in  the  birth  of  the  shoulders.  The  uterine  and  abdominal 
muscles  are  contracting  vigorously  now.  Note  how  the  baby's  shoulders 
turn  to  fit  the  size  of  the  birth  passage.  Not  all  babies  are  born  with 
head  and  shoulders  first,  although  that  is  the  most  frequent  position. 
The  so-called  breech  presentation,  buttocks  first,  is  not  an  infrequent 
occurrence. 

In  Figure  13  we  see  the  third  stage  of  labor.  The  placenta  is  sepa- 
rating from  the  uterine  wall  and  will  soon  be  expelled  along  with  the 
membranes  and  umbilical  cord  that  is  still  attached  to  it.  The  other 
end  of  the  cord  has  been  tied  and  cut  close  to  the  baby's  body.  This  ex- 
pulsion of  afterbirth  and  cord  is  the  third  stage  of  labor.  It  usually  lasts 
only  a  few  minutes  and  is  felt  by  the  mother  as  a  series  of  pains  similar 
to  those  which  caused  the  birth  of  the  baby.  They  bring  about  the 
final  separation  of  the  placenta  from  the  uterine  wall.  The  doctor  ex- 
amines the  materials  carefully  to  make  sure  that  the  placenta  has  been 
completely  expelled  after  the  birth  of  the  baby,  because  of  complications 
which  might  otherwise  arise. 

Abortions  and  Miscarriages 

The  emptying  of  the  uterus  before  full  term  (nine  months)  is  not  un- 
common, occurring  in  one  out  of  every  five  pregnancies.  The  popular 
term  miscarriage  refers  to  the  accidental  or  spontaneous  emptying  of 
the  pregnant  uterus,  while  an  abortion  is  generally  held  to  mean  the 
act  of  artificially  relieving  the  pregnant  uterus  of  its  contents.  In  medi- 
cal language  an  abortion  is  the  expulsion  of  the  fetus  and  placenta  for 
any  cause  between  the  time  of  conception  and  the  twenty-eighth  week 
of  pregnancy.  Between  this  period  and  full  term,  expulsion  of  the  baby 
is  called  premature  labor. 

The  cause  of  most  miscarriages  is  unknown.  Some  may  be  due  to 
defective  germ  plasm  (bad  eggs  or  sperms).  Other  causes  are  maternal 
diseases,  such  as  chronic  kidney  disease  or  syphilis,  and  abnormalities, 
such  as  tumors  of  the  uterus.  Injuries  and  shock  to  the  mother  are  not 
usually  sufficient  in  themselves  to  precipitate  a  miscarriage. 

Occasionally  it  is  necessary  for  a  physician  to  terminate  a  pregnancy 
to  save  a  mother's  life.  This  is  called  a  therapeutic  abortion  and  is  done 
only  under  the  most  favorable  conditions.  It  must  be  medically  justi- 


FIG.  10     Labor:  Cervix  Dilating  and  Bag  of  Waters 
FIG.  1 1     Full  Dilation,  Cervix  High,  Head  Deep  in  Pelvis 


Photos  by  Dickinson-Belskie 


Dickinson-Belskie 


FIG.  12     Birth  of  Shoulders  Rotation 


UTERUS  AFTER. EXIT 
OF  PLACENTA.-SAGS 
INTO  PELVIS 


PLACENTA  ALMOST 
SEPARATED  AND 
MEMBRANES 

LOOSENED 


Dickinson-Belskie 


FIG.  13     Third  Stage  of  Labor 


WHERE    BABIES    COME    FROM  333 

fied  and  officially  authorized.  Unless  carried  out  in  a  recognized  hospi- 
tal by  a  competent  physician  under  the  conditions  just  specified,  inter- 
rupting a  pregnancy  by  destroying  the  fetus  is  legally  forbidden  in  most 
states,  and  known  as  criminal  abortion.  The  dangers  of  infection  and 
hemorrhage  are  great,  since  criminal  abortions  are  usually  performed 
under  most  unfortunate  conditions  by  practitioners  of  questionable  skill 
and  training.  Since  there  is  no  known  medication  which  when  taken  by 
mouth  will  empty  the  uterus  of  its  contents  without  grave  danger  to  the 
woman,  the  abortionist  must  resort  to  surgical  procedures.  These  are 
usually  performed  without  complete  antiseptic  safeguards  and  they  ex- 
act a  heavy  toll  of  maternal  lives.  If  you  or  any  of  your  friends  are  con- 
sidering an  abortion  —  stop!  Talk  it  over  with  your  family  doctor.  It's 
a  privilege  to  have  children,  and  some  women  may  become  pregnant 
only  once  in  their  life  span.4 


The  Rh  Factor  5 

Since  1941,  when  it  was  first  discovered,  there  have  been  hundreds  of 
articles  on  the  Rh  factor  in  the  blood.  Many  of  these  discuss  the  pos- 
sible damage  that  may  be  done  to  the  fetus  in  the  mother  whose  Rh 
blood  type  is  incompatible  with  that  of  the  father. 

Approximately  85  per  cent  of  the  white  population  of  the  United 
States  have  Rh  positive  blood.  That  is,  they  have  blood  containing 
one  or  more  Rh  factors.  The  other  1 5  per  cent  have  Rh  negative  blood 
containing  no  Rh  factor.  Actually  there  are  several  varieties  in  the  Rh 
family,  but  the  above  is  roughly  correct. 

When  both  father  and  mother  have  the  same  Rh  blood  type  there 
is  no  difficulty.  Or  if  the  mother  is  Rh  positive,  all  goes  well.  But 
when  an  Rh  positive  man  and  an  Rh  negative  woman  have  an  Rh  posi- 
tive child,  then  the  Rh  positive  blood  cells  from  the  fetal  circulation 
may  escape  into  the  mother's  blood  stream.  There  they  stimulate  the 
mother's  blood  to  produce  antibodies  capable  of  destroying  the  Rh  posi- 
tive blood  cells.  These  antibodies  enter  the  fetal  circulation  and  attack 
the  baby's  blood  cells,  producing  erythroblastosis,  or  hemolytic  disease. 
Some  of  the  usual  symptoms  of  this  disease  are  jaundice,  anemia,  and 

4  See  How  Does  Your  Baby  Grow?  (New  York:  Maternity  Center  Association, 
1942),  p.  12. 

5  From  Evelyn  Duvall,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association  Press 
1950),  pp.  70-71. 


334  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

general  edema,  or  swelling,  in  the  baby.  Such  babies  may  die  as  they 
near  term,  or  soon  after  birth,  or  they  may  survive  and  be  perfectly 
normal  children. 

In  spite  of  all  the  public  concern,  this  disease  is  not  very  common. 
Out  of  80,000  births  in  Chicago  in  1948,  only  twenty  infant  deaths 
were  known  to  be  from  erythroblastosis,  according  to  Dr.  Edith  Potter, 
pathologist  at  Chicago  Lying-in  Hospital.  One  reason  why  this  is  a 
much  lower  incidence  than  might  be  expected  (when  15  per  cent  of  the 
white  women  are  Rh  negative)  is  that  other  conditions  besides  the  Rh 
factor  must  be  present  in  order  for  the  disease  to  develop.  For  in- 
stance, this  difficulty  is  not  usual  in  the  first-born.  It  is  after  antibodies 
have  been  built  up  in  the  mother's  blood  by  previous  pregnancies  that 
the  baby  may  be  affected.  Secondly,  there  must  be  some  leakage  in  the 
fetal  and  maternal  circulations  in  the  placenta  in  order  for  the  red 
blood  cells  of  the  baby  to  reach  the  mother's  blood  stream.  Usually  the 
circulation  of  blood  in  the  baby  and  in  the  mother  is  kept  separate, 
each  within  its  own  blood  vessels. 

Therefore,  although  some  doctors  will  give  tests  for  the  Rh  factor 
in  the  blood  of  couples  about  to  be  married,  this  is  not  yet  usual  prac- 
tice. The  reason  is  that  the  discovery  of  incompatible  blood  types  is 
not  necessarily  a  prognosis  of  Rh  trouble  in  pregnancy,  as  we  have  seen 
above,  and  therefore  should  not  be  a  deterrent  for  the  marriage  or  the 
parenthood  of  the  couple  involved. 

Blood  studies  for  the  Rh  factor  may  be  personally  reassuring  to  some 
couples  with  personal  fears  about  it  (because  of  difficulties  with  it 
among  family  or  friends,  or  the  anxiety  produced  by  wide-spread  pub- 
licity of  it),  since  the  chances  are  very  much  in  the  direction  of  a  favor- 
able combination  of  Rh  blood  types  in  any  individual  couple. 

Infertility  and  Sterility 

One  out  of  every  ten  couples  who  want  children  are  unable  to  have 
them.  This  inability  to  conceive  is  called  infertility,  which  is  treatable, 
or  sterility,  if  the  inability  is  permanent,  and  may  be  due  to  many  causes. 
Sometimes  the  male  sperms  are  not  numerous  enough  or  sufficiently 
active  to  reach  and  fertilize  the  egg.  Rest,  improved  health,  and  medi- 
cal treatment  may  correct  the  condition  sufficiently  for  conception  to 
take  place.  In  the  woman  the  cause  may  be  i)  immature  or  infertile 


WHERE    BABIES    COME    FROM  335 

sex  organs,  2)  a  tilted  uterus,  3)  obstructions  of  the  cervix,  4)  unfavor- 
able vaginal  secretions  which  affect  the  sperms'  motility,  5)  glandular 
deficiencies,  or  6)  closed  tubes  which  make  it  impossible  for  the  sperm 
and  the  egg  to  meet.  Infertility  clinics  in  our  larger  maternity  hospitals 
are  successfully  treating  many  couples  who  desire  their  own  children, 
with  many  responding  favorably  to  treatment. 

Test  Tube  Babies.  Modern  science  is  not  yet  able  to  grow  babies  in 
a  test  tube,  but  some  advance  has  been  made  in  helping  couples  who 
want  babies  to  have  them.  Sometimes  the  treatment  of  the  physician 
or  of  the  infertility  clinic  is  not  enough  to  assure  the  couple  of  concep- 
tion. When  the  man  has  insufficient  or  inadequate  sperm,  and  remedial 
treatment  does  not  correct  his  condition,  the  only  way  his  wife  may  be- 
come pregnant  is  through  impregnation  with  other  sperm.  The  careful 
physician  makes  sure  that  the  use  of  other  sperm  will  be  acceptable 
psychologically  to  both  members  of  the  couple,  then  selects  a  semen 
donor  whose  health  and  heredity  are  acceptable  and  compatible,  and 
with  a  syringe  deposits  the  semen  donation  in  the  upper  end  of  the 
vagina,  or  directly  into  the  uterus  at  the  time  of  the  month  most  favor- 
able to  conception.  Legal  tangles  (the  baby  is  not  the  husband's),  re- 
ligious, social,  and  psychological  problems,  and  difficulties  of  matching 
donors  to  recipients  without  the  knowledge  of  either  keep  artificial  in- 
semination from  becoming  widely  accepted.  It  has  promise,  however, 
for  the  many  couples  who  would  otherwise  be  childless,  and  is  men- 
tioned in  the  recent  literature  as  a  possibility  for  some  couples  whose 
Rh  blood  types  are  incompatible  and  who  have  in  previous  pregnancies 
faced  the  frustration  of  miscarriage  or  fetal  death.  Some  eugenists  favor 
artificial  insemination  as  a  means  of  improving  the  human  stock,  as  has 
been  common  practice  in  animal  husbandry  for  many  years,  but  to  date 
the  practice  remains  more  of  an  intriguing  possibility  than  an  actuality 
for  the  average  couple. 

Eugenics 

The  science  of  improving  human  stock  by  influencing  the  hereditary 
process  is  called  eugenics.  The  methods  suggested  vary  all  the  way  from 
encouraging  biologically  superior  people  to  have  more  children  (by  sub- 
sidizing "good"  families,  improving  maternal  and  infant  care,  etc.)  to 
sterilizing  the  biologically  unfit,  so  that  they  cannot  reproduce  their 


336  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

kind.  Each  individual  concerns  himself  with  eugenics  when  he  con- 
siders the  factors  in  his  own  and  his  mate's  family  background  which 
may  affect  the  children  of  the  marriage.  Such  questions  as  the  follow- 
ing might  be  asked:  What  hereditary  weaknesses  occur  in  either  of  our 
families?  What  chances  are  there  that  an  aunt's  insanity  or  a  brother's 
epilepsy  or  an  uncle's  hemophilia  might  appear  in  our  children?  These 
are  technical  questions,  the  answers  to  which  are  best  worked  out  with 
a  professional  investigator  through  detailed  study  of  the  individual  case. 
Healthy  babies  born  of  good  stock  to  couples  who  intelligently  plan 
for  their  arrival  are  the  hope  of  the  nation  and  the  joy  of  their  parents. 

Selected  Readings 

BROWN,  FRED,  AND  KEMPTON,  RUDOLF,  Sex  Questions  and  Answers  (New 

York:  McGraw-Hill,  1950). 
DICKINSON,  ROBERT,  AND  BELSKiE,  ABRAM,  Birth  Atlas,  Second  Edition  (New 

York:  Maternity  Center  Association,  1943). 
DUVALL,  EVELYN,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association  Press, 

1950),  Chap.  3. 

EASTMAN,  NICHOLSON,  Expectant  Motherhood  (Boston:  Little,  Brown, 
1940). 

ETS,  MARIE  HALL,  The  Story  of  a  Baby  (New  York:  Viking,  1939) . 

FISHBEIN,  MORRIS,  AND  BURGESS,  ERNEST  (EDS.),  Successful  Marriage  (Gar- 
den City:  Doubleday,  1947),  Part  II,  Chap.  10;  Part  III,  chaps.  1-5. 

GILBERT,  MARGARET,  Biography  of  the  Unborn  (Baltimore:  Williams  and 
Wilkins,  1938). 

GOODRICH,  FREDERICK  w.,  JR.,  Natural  Childbirth,  A  Manual  for  Expectant 
Parents  (New  York:  Prentice-Hall,  1950). 

GUTTMACHER,  ALAN,  Having  a  Baby:  A  Guide  for  Expectant  Parents  (New 
York:  Signet,  1947). 

,  The  Story  of  Human  Birth  (New  York:  Pelican,  1947). 

LANDIS,  JUDSON,  AND  LANDis,  MARY,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage  (New 
York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  Chap.  18. 

MUSEUM  OF  SCIENCE  AND  INDUSTRY,  The  Miracle  of  Growth  (Urbana:  Uni- 
versity of  Illinois  Press,  1950). 

SCHEINFELD,  AMRAM,  The  New  You  and  Heredity  (Philadelphia:  Lippin- 
cott,  1950). 

VAN  BLARCOM,  CAROLYN,  AND  CORBIN,  HAZEL,  Getting  Ready  to  Be  a  Mother 
(New  York:  Macmillan,  1940). 

Technical  References 

NEWMAN,  H.  H.,  Multiple  Human  Births  (Garden  City:  Doubleday,  1940). 
OSBORN,   FREDERICK,   Preface   to  Eugenics,   Revised   Edition    (New  York: 
Harper,  1951). 


WHERE    BABIES    COME    FROM  337 

PARSHLEY,  H.  M.,  The  Science  of  Human  Reproduction  (New  York:  Norton, 


POTTER,    EDITH,    Fundamentals    of   Human    Reproduction    (New    York: 

McGraw-Hill,  1948). 

-  ,  Rh  (Chicago:  Yearbook  Publishers,  1947). 
SCHATKIN,  s.  B.,  "Artificial  Insemination:  Legal  Aspects  (human),"  Human 

Fertility  (June,  1948). 
SNYDER,  L.  H.,  "The  Genetic  Approach  to  Human  Individuality/'  Science 

Monthly  (March,  1949). 
STERN,  CURT,  'The  'Black  Baby  of  White  Parents'  Myth,"  Journal  of  He- 

redity (August,  1945). 

STRANDSKOV,  H.  H.J  ROTH,  J.  A.J  AND  BISACCIA,  HENRY,  "Sex  Ratio  of  Human 

Stillbirths,"  American  Journal  of  Physical  Anthropology  (1949),  No.  7, 
pp.  i,  2. 

WIENER,  A.  s.,  AND  OTHERS,  "Heredity  of  the  'Rh'  Blood  Types,"  American 
Journal  of  Human  Genetics  (December,  1949). 


CHAPTER  SEVENTEEN 


"Why  didn't  someone  tell  me?" 


GETTING   READY  TO   BE   PARENTS 


How  soon  after  marriage  should  the  first  baby  be  planned  for? 

How  painful  is  childbirth? 

How  does  it  feel  to  be  a  father? 

Why  is  prenatal  care  important? 


ANTING  A  CHILD  IS  AS  NATURAL  AS  WANTING  A  MATE  AND  IS 

a  normal  manifestation  of  our  growth  as  persons.  For  the  couple  ready 
for  this  step,  having  a  baby  is  a  supremely  satisfying  experience.  There 
is  more  to  having  a  child  than  just  wanting  it,  however.  This  chapter 
is  concerned  with  the  preparations  and  adjustments  couples  make  in 
readying  themselves  for  parenthood. 

Why  Have  Babies? 

We  have  babies  because  we  want  them.  Powerful  physical,  psycho- 
logical, and  social  forces  drive  us  into  the  experience  of  parenthood. 
No  substitute  has  been  devised  to  return  satisfactions  equal  to  those  re- 
ceived from  bearing  and  rearing  children.  One  expert  summarizes  the 
fundamental  gratification  of  pregnancy,  childbirth,  and  child  rearing 
for  women  when  he  writes:  "The  bearing  and  rearing  of  children  is 
woman's  greatest  achievement  and  the  climax  of  her  erotic  expres- 
sion .  .  .  not  only  her  greatest  joy,  but  the  source  of  her  greatest 
power."  a  Having  a  family  is  a  fulfillment  of  a  couple's  desire  to  estab- 
lish a  home  of  their  own. 

1  Karl  Menninger,  Love  against  Hate   (New  York:   Harcourt,  Brace,   1942), 


340 


THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


Studies  of  both  college  and  noncollege  young  people  indicate  that 
they  are  looking  forward  eagerly  to  parenthood.  Increasingly  both  boys 
and  girls  are  signing  up  for  courses  in  child  care  and  are  becoming  in- 
tellectually interested  in  parenthood  long  before  they  are  ready  chrono- 
logically to  become  parents. 

How  do  we  explain  such  interest  in  having  babies?  One  explana- 
tion is  that  each  one  of  us  has  played  the  role  of  parent  in  childhood 
play  groups  and  in  his  daydreams  for  years.  When  we  marry  it  seems 
only  right  and  natural  that  we  should  have  children  in  our  family.  This 
expectation  is  derived  from  having  been  reared  in  a  family  and  having 
learned  so  satisfyingly  the  parental  roles. 

Social  pressures  add  their  weight  to  bring  couples^  around  to  starting 
a  family.  It  is  the  thing  to  do  after  a  few  months  of  marriage.  Other 
couples  married  about  the  same  time  blossom  forth  with  baby  carriages 
and  beaming  smiles,  leaving  laggards  feeling  strangely  empty  and  fruit- 
less. Bridge  table  and  back-yard  discussion  among  women,  and  golf  and 
office  conversation  among  men,  center  on  first  teeth,  bright  sayings,  and 
recent  accomplishments  of  babies.  Parents  of  the  newly  married  are  re- 
minded of  their  desire  to  become  grandparents  and  may  exert  their  in- 
fluence in  that  direction.  Attractive  advertisements  in  magazines  and 


DIVORCES  PER  1000  MARRIED  COUPLES,  ACCORDING  TO 
SIZE  OF  FAMILY.  UNITED  STATES,  1948 


CHILDREN 
UNDERAGE  18 

None 


One 
Two 

Three 

Four 
or 


DIVORCES  PER  1,000 


111115.3 


ill. 6 

_^j 


I 


6.5 


4.6 


From  "Divorce  and  Size  of  Family,"  Metropolitan  Life  Insurance  Company 
Statistical  Bulletin,  31,  February  1950.  p.  2. 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  341 

daily  papers  are  another  insidious  force  in  stimulating  interest  —  pic- 
ture after  picture  shows  winsome  cherubs  clothed  in  beguiling  infant- 
wear,  eating  healthful  cereal,  and  sleeping  under  downy  quilts.  No 
wonder  the  childless  couple  conclude  that  "all  the  world  is  having  babies 
and  we  should  have  one  too." 

"More  divorces  have  been  prevented  by  a  youngster's  cry  or  smile 
than  by  any  legislation,"  writes  an  eminent  psychiatrist.2  The  fewer 
children,  the  higher  the  divorce  rate,  as  seen  in  the  chart  above.3  For 
couples  without  children  the  divorce  rate  in  1948  was  15.3  per  1,000. 
Where  one  child  was  present  the  rate  was  11.6  per  1,000.  The  figure 
steadily  decreases  until  we  find  in  families  with  four  or  more  children, 
a  rate  of  4.6.  These  findings  indicate  that  the  relative  frequency  of  di- 
vorce is  greater  for  families  without  children  than  for  families  with 
children.  Yet,  the  presence  of  children  is  not  necessarily  a  deterrent  to 
divorce.  It  is  possible  that  in  most  cases  both  divorce  and  childlessness 
result  from  more  fundamental  factors  in  the  marital  relationship.  Con- 
versely, children  seem  to  be  symbolic  of  the  permanence  of  the  mar- 
riage. 

Time  to  Have  the  Baby 

Many  couples  need  time  to  work  out  the  adjustments  of  a  new  marriage 
before  adding  pregnancy  and  its  complications.  First,  the  couple  needs 
to  adjust  to  living  as  two,  to  work  out  the  routines  of  marriage  and 
establish  firmly  the  unity  of  the  relation.  All  told,  this  process  may  take 
several  months. 

There  are  dangers,  however,  in  postponing  the  first  baby  too  long. 
The  couple  should  not  wait  until  they  have  enough  money  to  take  care 
of  a  child.  Furniture,  automobile,  travel,  can  easily  become  an  estab- 
lished part  of  the  budget,  so  that  children  may  never  find  a  place.  The 
young  wife  who  works  to  save  money  for  a  family  may  find  that  her 
earnings  serve  only  to  advance  the  couple  to  a  plane  of  living  which  they 
are  reluctant  to  relinquish  in  favor  of  a  baby. 

Recent  studies  of  Dr.  Nicholson  Eastman  at  Johns  Hopkins  Univer- 

2  John  Levy  and  Ruth  Munroe,  The  Happy  Family  (New  York:  Knopf,  1938), 
p.  240. 

3  See  also  Paul  H.  Jacobson,  "Differentials  in  Divorce  by  Duration  of  Marriage 
and  Size  of  Family,"  American  Sociological  Review  (April,  1950),  Vol.  15,  pp.  235- 
244. 


342  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

sity  indicate  conclusively  that  the  age  of  the  mother  is  of  great  impor- 
tance in  the  bearing  and  delivering  of  babies.  The  decade  between 
twenty  and  thirty  in  the  woman's  life  is  the  optimum  period  for  child- 
bearing.  The  older  the  mother  above  thirty,  the  more  dangerous  is 
childbearing  both  for  her  and  for  the  child. 

Another  important  factor  to  consider  is  the  readiness  of  the  mother 
for  a  baby.  A  teen-age  girl  is  rarely  sufficiently  grown  up  herself  to  sin- 
cerely want  a  baby  and  to  be  able  to  love  it  and  care  for  it  properly. 
The  older  woman  likewise  faces  emotional  difficulties  in  relating  herself 
to  her  first  baby.  If  she  has  wanted  one  for  years,  her  final  joy  in  having 
it  may  make  for  more  possessive  attachment  than  is  good  for  the  child. 
If  she  has  been  long  postponing  the  baby's  arrival,  she  may  not  really 
want  one  when  it  does  arrive.  Her  ways  may  be  fixed  and  her  life 
routinized  along  other  channels  which  may  make  it  difficult  to  accept  a 
child  fully  into  the  household. 

The  time  of  year  may  be  a  factor  to  consider  in  deciding  when  to 
have  a  baby.  Since  babies  are  especially  susceptible  to  respiratory  dis- 
eases and  food  infections  during  the  first  year  of  life,  the  autumn  is  a 
more  desirable  season  than  midsummer  or  winter.  The  Children's 
Bureau  finds  that  the  death  rate  of  tiny  babies  is  highest  during  July 
and  August,  especially  in  those  parts  of  the  country  where  refrigeration 
is  not  universally  available.  When  the  couple  is  prepared  to  provide 
adequate  care  for  the  infant,  the  seasonal  factor  may  be  of  less  impor- 
tance than  other  matters  of  personal  and  family  convenience. 

The  time  to  have  a  baby  is  when  you  want  it!  More  important  than 
all  external  factors  is  the  genuine  desire  of  both  husband  and  wife  for 
the  baby.  Child  development  studies  have  shown  without  doubt  that 
being  wanted  is  of  primary  importance  in  the  well-being  of  the  child. 
When  a  couple  is  ready  and  eager  for  children,  then  is  the  time  to  have 
them. 


How  Much  Do  Children  Cost? 

Children  are  expensive.  They  may  have  been  an  economic  asset  back 
on  the  farm  where  "a  kid  could  earn  his  keep  around  the  place."  Today 
children  are  an  economic  liability  in  most  families.  Yet,  they  are  not 
"luxury  goods"  that  only  the  rich  can  afford!  On  the  contrary,  as  you 
study  the  chart  on  page  443  you  will  see  that  most  children  are  in  low 
and  moderate  income  families. 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS 


343 


The  cost  of  rearing  a  child  in  higher  income  families  is  proportion- 
ally higher  than  in  more  modest  brackets.  The  Metropolitan  Life  In- 
surance Company,  using  data  for  the  most  part  issued  by  the  National 
Resources  Planning  Board  and  the  Bureau  of  Labor  Statistics,  has  care- 
fully compared  the  item  by  item  costs  of  rearing  a  child  to  the  age  of 
eighteen  in  two  types  of  American  families :  those  having  an  income  of 
$2,500  a  year,  and  those  with  an  income  of  from  $5,000  to  $10,000  a 
year.  As  will  be  seen  by  studying  the  table  below,  every  item  but  food 
shows  a  considerable  proportionate  increase,  while  expenditures  for  edu- 
cation, medical  care,  transportation,  and  recreation  show  the  greatest  in- 
creases. If  interest  on  the  investment  and  cost  of  burial  are  added,  this 
study  concludes,  "the  total  cost  of  bringing  up  a  child  to  the  age  of 
eighteen  in  families  with  an  income  of  $5,000  to  $10,000  a  year  averages 
$20,785.  This  figure  does  not,  however,  include  the  cost  of  public  edu- 
cation and  other  services  furnished  by  the  community,  nor  the  value  of 
the  personal  services  of  the  mother."  * 

EXPENDITURES  TO  BRING  UP  A  CHILD  TO  AGE  EIGHTEEN 
ACCORDING  TO  1935-36  PRICE  LEVELS* 


AMOUNT 


PERCENTAGE 


TYPE    OF    EXPENDITURE 


Cost  of  being  born 

$    300 

$      750 

3-9 

4.6 

Food 

2,272 

3,628 

29.3 

22.2 

Clothing 

710 

1,697 

9.1 

10.4 

Shelter 

2,648 

5>774 

34.1 

35-3 

Clothing  and  shelter 

3.358 

7,471 

43-2 

45-7 

Education 

82 

283 

1.1 

1.7 

Medical  care 

297 

846 

3.8 

5-2 

Transportation  and  recreation 

1,127 

2,787 

M-5 

17.1 

Sundries 

3*7 

572 

4.2 

3-5 

Total     $7,763 

$16,337 

100.0 

1OO.O 

*   By  type  of  expenditure  and  family  income 

4  Statistical  Bulletin  (New  York:  Metropolitan  Life  Insurance  Company), 
January,  1944.  NOTE:  Since  these  figures,  the  most  recent  available  (according  to  a 
personal  communication  from  Louis  Dublin,  Second  Vice-President  and  Statistician, 
the  Metropolitan  Life  Insurance  Company),  are  for  1935-36  price  levels,  and  so 
markedly  below  those  at  midcentury,  we  read  with  interest  from  the  same  authority 
that,  with  a  fixed  income  in  a  period  of  rising  costs,  the  cost  of  bringing  up  a  child 
will  be  raised  by  only  a  relatively  small  amount.  Louis  I.  Dublin  and  Alfred  Lotka, 
The  Money  Value  of  a  Man  (New  York:  Ronald  Press,  1946),  p,  57,  footnote. 


344 


THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

MOTHERS  ARE  HAVING  MORE  BABIES  TODAY 


One  figure 
represents 
thirty  children 


1947 
367  CHILDREN 
under  five  years 


Children  under  five  years  per  1000  women  of  childbearing  age  (15-44  yrs),  1940  and  1947. 
U.  S.  Bureau  of  the  Census. 

In  addition  to  costing  money,  babies  make  drastic  changes  in  the 
pattern  of  daily  living,  especially  for  those  young  people  who  heretofore 
have  been  relatively  foot-loose  and  fancy  free.  If  the  couple  wish  to 
rationalize  postponement,  they  can  find  reasons  aplenty  for  dodging  the 
restrictions  and  responsibilities  that  babies  inevitably  bring.  Husbands 
accustomed  to  the  undivided  attention  of  a  wife  will  be  unwilling  to 
share  with  the  newcomer.  Wives  who  enjoy  the  role  of  "just  keeping 
my  husband  happy"  will  rebel  at  the  prospects  of  long  lines  of  diapers. 

Moreover,  the  children  of  today  are  rarely  financial  assets  except  on 
a  farm,  where  they  may  render  some  economic  service  and  may  be 
housed  without  strain.  City  dwellers  find  it  extremely  difficult  to  find 
apartment  space  if  they  are  handicapped  by  little  children.  Landlords 
don't  want  them,  in  peacetime  or  wartime.  An  advertisement  in  a 
large  city  newspaper  in  June,  1944,  reflects  the  desperation  of  many 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  345 

young  couples  with  babies  who  have  tried  to  persuade  landlords  to  ac- 
cept them  as  tenants: 

WANTED  -  A  place  to  live  by  couple  with 
five  months  old  baby  of  great  sentimental 
value.  Prefer  to  keep  child  if  possible.  Will 
drown  if  necessary  to  get  roof  over  our  heads. 

Discouraging  as  all  these  factors  of  cost  and  disrupted  routines  and 
housing  would  seem  to  be,  the  fact  is  that  a  great  many  people  do  still 
have  children.  Interestingly,  new  babies  come  in  larger  numbers  with 
the  threat  of  war  and  the  increase  of  prosperity.  The  fertility  rate  for 
this  country  increased  considerably  during  the  1940*8  as  the  compara- 
tive data  depicted  at  top  of  page  344  so  clearly  shows. 

Children  may  be  expensive,  but  it  looks  as  though  they  are  here  to 
stay  —  a  vital  part  of  the  American  way  of  life. 


Pregnancy 

Not  every  sex  intercourse  results  in  pregnancy.  A  couple  may  be  mar- 
ried for  some  time  before  conditions  are  just  right  for  conception  to 
take  place.  Both  sperm  and  egg  must  be  right.  The  pathways  that 
bring  them  together  must  be  clear.  And  the  timing  of  copulation  must 
be  such  that  the  sperm  reaches  the  egg  while  it  is  still  in  the  tube  (less 
than  one  full  day's  acceptance  each  month)  in  order  for  impregnation 
to  take  place. 

Presumptive  Signs.  The  woman  may  diagnose  pregnancy  herself  by 
the  appearance  of  a  certain  combination  of  symptoms.  No  symptom  is 
conclusive  by  itself,  but  taken  together  they  give  her  the  basis  for  seek- 
ing definite  confirmation  in  a  medical  examination. 

The  cessation  of  menstruation  is  usually  the  earliest  and  most  im- 
portant sign  of  pregnancy.  When  a  healthy  married  woman  who  has 
been  menstruating  regularly  suddenly  misses  a  period,  it  is  a  good  indi- 
cation that  pregnancy  may  have  occurred.  Occasionally  a  woman  has 
one  or  two  scanty  menstrual  periods  after  conception  has  taken  place. 
More  frequently,  the  menstrual  period  may  be  delayed  by  a  variety  of 
causes  —  change  in  climate,  certain  diseases,  nervous  tension,  fear  of  or 
extreme  desire  for  pregnancy. 


346 


THE   MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  347 

Another  symptom  which  appears  in  about  two  thirds  of  all  women  in 
early  pregnancy  is  morning  sickness.  The  pregnant  woman  will  experi- 
ence waves  of  nausea  for  a  few  hours  in  the  morning,  but  even  this 
symptom  may  be  caused  by  other  conditions  and  is  only  a  presumptive 
sign  of  pregnancy. 

A  third  symptom  is  a  change  in  the  breasts  of  the  woman.  Many 
women  sense  a  fullness  and  tenderness  of  the  breasts  early  in  pregnancy, 
accompanied  by  a  change  in  pigmentation  of  the  nipple. 

Frequency  of  urination  is  also  an  early  presumptive  sign  of  preg- 
nancy. The  tendency  diminishes  as  the  uterus  rises  in  the  pelvis  and 
the  bladder  is  no  longer  so  closely  associated  with  the  enlarging  uterus. 

The  married  woman  who  experiences  a  missed  menstrual  period, 
who  feels  nauseated  for  a  while  in  the  morning,  who  is  aware  of  changes 
in  her  breasts,  and  who  feels  the  urge  to  urinate  frequently  may  well 
presume  that  she  is  pregnant. 

Pregnancy  Tests.  The  woman  may  receive  definite  confirmation  or 
denial  of  her  condition  from  her  physician,  who  will  conduct  certain 
tests  before  making  a  diagnosis.  He  will  note  changes  in  the  uterus 
and  changes  in  the  coloring  of  the  vaginal  lining,  and  he  may  use  one 
of  several  standard  urine  tests  to  establish  the  fact  of  pregnancy.  These 
tests  are  based  upon  the  changes  in  the  hormonal  excretions  in  the 
urine  of  the  pregnant  woman  which  affect  noticeably  the  development 
of  the  sex  apparatus  or  function  in  small  animals,  such  as  frogs,  rats, 
mice,  or  rabbits.  The  great  advantage  of  these  tests  is  that  they  are 
remarkably  reliable  very  early  in  pregnancy.  They  are  well  worth  the 
extra  cost  if  the  wife  needs  to  be  sure  of  her  condition  early  in  preg- 
nancy, e.g.,  if  she  is  a  professional  woman  under  contract  for  twelve 
months.  In  most  cases  the  urine  tests  are  unnecessary  for  diagnosis; 
the  experienced  physician  can  usually  detect  pregnancy  reliably  by  the 
other  signs,  but  not  as  early,  not  before  8  weeks  usually. 

Positive  Signs.  As  the  pregnancy  continues,  many  other  confirming 
signs  appear.  Changes  in  the  abdomen,  the  cervix,  the  vagina,  and  the 
uterus  become  apparent.  By  the  middle  of  the  pregnancy  the  fetal 
heart  sounds  may  be  heard.  Fetal  movements  within  the  uterus  may  be 
felt  from  the  fifth  month  on.  X-ray  pictures  show  the  outlines  of  the 
fetal  skeleton  after  the  twentieth  week  and  are  positive  proof  of  preg- 
nancy. 


348  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

When  Will  the  Baby  Come?  As  soon  as  the  fact  of  pregnancy  is  estab- 
lished, the  question  inevitably  arises  as  to  just  when  the  baby  can  be  ex- 
pected. Labor  usually  occurs  about  280  days  from  the  first  day  of  the 
last  menstruation.  The  rule  in  most  frequent  use  is  the  following:  de- 
termine the  first  day  of  the  last  menstruation,  add  seven  days,  and  count 
ahead  nine  months.  The  date  arrived  at,  however,  is  only  approximate. 


CHECK   YOURSELF  Check  every  answer  that  is  correct  in  the  following  list. 

The  first  signs  of  pregnancy  are: 

1   Swelling  of  the  abdomen  4  Bursting  of  the  bag  of  waters 

2  Lack  of  sexual  desire  5  Changes  in  the  "breasts 

3  A  missed  menstrual  period  6  Movement  of  the  baby  in  the  womb 

*  KEY        -pajJOD  9jo  c;  puo  g  X|UQ 


There  may  be  a  leeway  of  two  weeks  either  way.  As  one  obstetrician 
put  it,  "If  I  could  know  exactly  when  babies  would  arrive,  I  could  take 
my  vacations  like  a  normal  man,  and  I  could  catch  up  on  my  sleep.  Ai? 
obstetrician  leads  the  life  of  a  fire  chief,  constantly  on  call." 

Maternal  Care 

Since  maternal  care  became  universal  in  America,  having  a  baby  is  no 
longer  the  dangerous  experience  that  it  once  was.  The  chief  causes  of 
maternal  death  are  infection,  hemorrhage,  and  toxemia,  and  can  be 
avoided  today  by  early  diagnosis  and  regular  supervision  of  the  preg- 
nancy and  birth  as  well  as  of  the  post  partum  period.  That  is  why  there 
is  such  a  striking  decrease  in  maternal  mortality  associated  with  births 
in  hospitals,  as  is  vividly  shown  in  the  twin  graphs  on  page  349. 

When  Should  Maternal  Care  Start?  Ideally  the  couple  should  have 
gone  to  a  physician  for  a  thorough  physical  examination  before  mar- 
riage (remember  the  premarital  conference  described  in  chapters  Five 
and  Six).  The  physician  would  note  at  that  time  any  remedial  oper- 
ation which  might  need  to  be  performed  before  children  should  be  con- 
ceived. If  some  time  elapses  between  marriage  and  the  time  the  couple 
is  ready  to  conceive,  another  visit  should  be  arranged  with  the  physician. 
His  go-ahead  sign  is  based  on  a  careful  check-up  paralleling  the  investi- 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS 


349 


gations  which  took  place  in  the  premarital  examination.  As  soon  as  the 
woman  suspects  that  she  may  be  pregnant  she  should  again  put  herself 
under  the  care  of  a  reliable  physician.  After  making  a  thorough  physical 
examination  from  head  to  feet,  he  will  take  pelvic  measurements  to  see 
if  normal  delivery  or  Caesarian  section  may  be  indicated  by  the  position 
and  size  of  the  opening  between  the  pelvic  bones.  Periodically  through 
the  pregnancy  he  will  check  the  patient's  blood,  urine,  rate  of  gain  in 
weight,  heart  rate,  and  blood  pressure.  He  will  note  the  progress  of  the 
baby's  growth  even  though  his  major  concern  is  to  keep  track  of  the 
mother's  health.  These  are  factors  which  are  all-important  for  the  well- 
being  of  both  the  mother  and  the  baby.  Maternal  care  starts,  then,  be- 
fore conception  takes  place  and  ends  after  the  baby  has  been  delivered 
and  checked  over,  and  the  mother  is  back  on  her  feet  again. 


You  and  Your  Doctor 

Selecting  a  doctor  whose  education,  training,  and  experience  will  assure 
both  mother  and  baby  of  the  kind  of  care  they  need  is  not  easy  for  the 

MATERNAL  MORTALITY  AND  HOSPITALIZATION  OF  BIRTHS 
UNITED  STATES,  1935-1949 

PER  10,000  LIVE   BIRTHS 


OU 

50 
40 
30 
20 
10 

0 
19 

** 

\ 

M 

3te 

>rn 

al 

M 

DF! 

ali 

ty 

\ 

\ 

s 

\ 

\ 

\ 

- 

X 

\ 

\ 

\ 

•^N, 

\ 

s 

35                1940               1945          194 

PEF 
100 

90 
80 
70 
60 
50 
40 
30 
20 

10 
0 

LCENT 

B 

irtl 

is 

in 

H< 

>Sf 

>it 

al 

/ 

S* 

—  —  — 

—  -* 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

/ 

s 

J9 

1940  1945         1949 

From  Metropolitan  Life  Insurance  Company  SteJtatcaZ  Bulletin,  July,  1951,  p.  2. 


350 


THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


THE  FIRST  YEAR  OF  LIFE  HAS  BECOME  MUCH  SAFER 

Mortality  in  the  first  week  of  life  now  presents  the  greatest  challenge 

Premature  birth  is  the  biggest 
health  problem  in  early  infancy  today 


Under  1  week 


1915  1920  1925  1930  1935  1940  1945    1948 

Children  and  Youth  at  the  Midcentury  —  A  Chart  Book,  Health  Publications  Institute,  Inc., 

Raleigh,  N.C. 

couple  newly  established  in  a  strange  town.  Neighbors'  recommenda- 
tions over  the  back  fence  are  not  reliable.  Far  more  adequate  help  may 
be  secured  by  calling  the  best  hospital  in  the  community  and  getting  its 
list  of  physicians  who  deliver  babies.  Cities  that  have  family  welfare 
agencies,  maternal  health  societies,  and  medical  societies  will  offer  fur- 
ther sources  of  information.  The  couple  unable  to  tap  any  of  these 
local  resources  may  write  to  the  American  Board  of  Obstetrics  and  Gyn- 
ecology,  1015  Highland  Boulevard,  Pittsburgh,  Pennsylvania,  for  a  list- 
ing of  doctors  in  or  near  their  community  that  have  been  certified  by 
that  board.  From  such  a  list  a  choice  may  be  made  on  the  basis  of  con- 
venience and  personal  preference. 

Many  smaller  towns  and  most  rural  communities  do  not  have  obste- 
tricians. A  well-trained  general  practitioner  can  meet  the  obstetrical 
needs  of  most  families  successfully  if  he  or  she  has  the  full  cooperation 
of  the  couple.  Pregnancy  is  a  normal  function  requiring  only  regular 
supervision  to  keep  the  mother  well. 

The  couple's  confidence  in  the  doctor  is  very  important.  If  he  per- 
forms his  function  well,  he  will  need  to  know  many  intimate  details  of 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  351 

the  couple's  life  together  and  will  want  to  advise  them  about  many  of 
their  daily  habits,  including  eating,  resting,  recreation,  vacations,  sex  re- 
lations, etc.  The  wife  will  need  to  trust  her  doctor  implicitly  so  that  she 
will  eagerly  follow  his  directions  as  her  pregnancy  progresses.  It  is  help- 
ful, however,  to  understand  the  reasons  for  the  advice  given  by  the 
physician.  The  husband  must  recognize  that  this  relationship  between 
his  wife  and  the  doctor  does  not  exist  to  deprive  him  of  his  wife's  full 
companionship,  but  to  insure  her  health.  Whenever  possible,  it  is 
helpful  for  the  husband  to  go  with  his  wife  on  the  first  visit  to  the  doc- 
tor, so  that  he  may  have  a  part  in  the  general  arrangements.  At  that 
time  he  may  ask  the  doctor  what  the  cost  will  be  and  agree  on  the  pay- 
ments to  be  made.  The  couple  may  want  to  ask  about  such  things  as: 

1  The  general  condition  of  the  wife  and  prognosis  for  the  pregnancy. 

2  The  time  when  the  baby  may  be  expected. 

3  Advice  about  diet,  exercise,  clothing,  sex  intercourse,  bathing,  rest,  trips, 
etc. 

4  Frequency  of  the  wife's  visits  to  the  doctor  during  her  pregnancy. 

5  The  hospital  the  physician  takes  his  patients  to,  and  how  arrangements 
there  are  made. 

6  Anesthetics  that  the  doctor  uses  to  relieve  pain  at  birth. 

One  outstanding  obstetrician  5  gives  his  expectant  mothers  a  little 
manual  of  directions  in  which  he  specifies  the  conditions  under  which 
he  is  to  be  called: 

Notify  Your  Physician  at  Once  in  Case  of: 

1  Bleeding  or  brownish  discharge  from  the  vagina. 

2  Cramps. 

3  Excessive  vomiting. 

4  Severe  pain  in  lower  abdomen. 

5  Headaches. 

6  Disturbances  of  vision. 

7  Swelling  of  feet  and,  particularly,  of  face  and  hands. 

8  Scanty  urine  or  bloody  urine. 

9  Persistent  constipation. 

10  Sore  throat  or  cough. 

1 1  Marked  shortness  of  breath. 

12  Chills  and  fever. 

1 3  Sudden  escape  of  fluid  from  vagina. 

5  Arthur  K.  Koff,  M.D.,  Chicago. 


352  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

Some  of  the  general  questions  about  the  nature  of  pregnancy  and 
childbirth  may  be  discussed.  The  doctor  will  be  glad  to  explain  why  a 
mother's  experiences  cannot  affect  her  unborn  child,  why  certain  in- 
frequent abnormalities  and  markings  are  unavoidable,  why  no  one  can 
accurately  predict  the  sex  of  the  child  before  its  birth  or  determine  its 
sex  before  conception,  and  why  the  mother's  attitude  and  feelings  are 
important  for  her  health  and  well-being. 

Does  Childbirth  Have  to  Be  Painful?  Childbirth  is  painful.  The  pains 
which  result  from  the  contractions  that  open  the  cervix  are  sharp  and 
increase  in  intensity  and  duration  for  several  hours.  The  pains  which 
mark  the  expulsive  contractions  of  the  uterus  are  intense,  probably  the 
most  excruciating  pain  women  ever  experience.  The  knowledge  that 
the  pains  are  helping  her  bring  forth  her  own  baby  helps  the  woman 
bear  the  suffering  and  to  forget  its  agony  soon  after  delivery.  Although 
through  the  years  ways  of  relieving  the  pain  of  childbirth  have  been 
sought,  no  completely  satisfactory,  safe,  and  universally  applicable 
method  has  yet  been  found.  Some  of  the  newer  methods  such  as  caudal 
anesthesia,  hypnosis,  twilight  sleep,  etc.,  may  present  hazards  to  mother 
or  child  under  certain  conditions.  The  wise  couple  discusses  the  ques- 
tion with  their  doctor  who  makes  the  final  decision. 

Natural  Childbirth.  Childbirth  is  a  normal,  natural  process.  Some 
doctors 6  believe  that  much  of  the  mother's  labor  pain  is  the  result  of 
muscular  tension  associated  with  fear.  The  expectant  mother  is  trained 
for  "natural  childbirth"  by  instruction  in  what  to  expect  (thus  relieving 
unfounded  anxieties),  and  by  supervised  exercise  in  the  relaxation  and 
control  of  pertinent  muscle  groups  so  that  she  may  cooperate  in  the 
birth  process  more  effectively. 

Pregnancy  Is  a  Family  Affair 

The  man  who  said,  "We  are  pregnant  at  our  house,"  expressed  the 
"we"  feeling  that  is  so  important  for  both  husband  and  wife  during  their 
period  of  expectancy.  Pregnancy  is  a  social  condition  quite  as  much  as 
a  biological  state.  It  involves  the  adjustment  of  both  the  husband 
and  the  wife,  their  relatives,  their  children  already  born  as  well  as 

6  Grantly  Dick  Read,  Children  without  Fear  (New  York:  Harper,  1944). 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  353 

those  yet  to  come.  Yes,  even  more,  pregnancy  is  of  importance  to 
the  community  and  to  the  state.  We  find  more  and  more  laws  intro- 
duced to  assert  the  interest  of  the  commonwealth  in  healthy,  robust 
families. 

Pregnancy  and  childbirth  can  be  a  strain  on  immature  young  folk, 
but  the  experience  can  be  and  usually  is  a  happy  adventure  for  emotion- 
ally and  socially  mature  people.  They  show  it  in  many  ways.  The  hus- 
band who  learns  early  how  he  may  help  will  find  that  his  role  is  not  the 
anxious  one  portrayed  in  the  cartoons  of  fathers  nervously  pacing  wait- 
ing rooms.  He  may  assume  certain  responsibilities  of  helping  with  the 
housework,  plan  recreational  jaunts  that  are  possible  for  his  wife,  make 
furniture  for  the  new  arrival,  cooperate  in  maintaining  the  diet  that  the 
doctor  has  prescribed,  and  provide  many  other  personal  attentions  that 
do  much  to  ease  the  wife's  burdens  and  to  help  him  share  more  fully 
the  experience. 

More  important  than  anything  that  the  husband  does  is  how  he 
feels  about  the  pregnancy  and  his  expectant  wife.  If  he  is  happy  about 
it  and  proud  of  his  wife,  if  he  treats  her  as  a  real  person  and  not  as  an 
invalid,  he  will  be  giving  her  the  support  she  needs  from  him.  The 
pregnant  woman  may  become  self-conscious  about  her  figure  and  gen- 
eral awkwardness  as  the  pregnancy  continues  and  may  need  her  hus- 
band's reassurance  of  his  continuing  love  and  admiration.  Jealousies 
and  oversensitiveness  about  her  husband's  activities  outside  the  family 
are  frequent  and  may  be  recognized  as  resulting  from  the  restrictions 
imposed  by  her  pregnancy.  Even  though  his  wife  is  not  able  to  par- 
ticipate freely  in  the  activities  he  enjoys,  the  mature  man  will  show  that 
he  values  her  companionship.  Her  silhouette  may  not  be  what  it  once 
was,  but  their  pride  and  pleasure  in  being  "in  a  family  way"  compen- 
sate to  both  for  some  of  the  temporary  cumbersomeness  of  the  preg- 
nancy. 

Many  couples  openly  enjoy  their  expectancy  and  take  pleasure  in 
thinking  of  themselves  as  parents-to-be.  Men  as  well  as  women  are 
eager  to  learn  how  babies  are  born  and  reared  and  cared  for  today. 
Classes  for  expectant  parents  are  proving  popular  in  many  communities. 
Books  on  the  subject  of  parenthood  are  read  with  new  interest.  Ex- 
pectant parents  are  most  receptive  to  teaching  and  find  that  study  adds 
to  their  enjoyment  of  anticipation. 


354  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


CHECK   YOURSELF  Check  every  answer  that  is  correct  in  the  following  test. 

The  husband  who  understands  best  his  role  during  pregnancy  is  one  who: 

1  Completely  ignores  his  wife. 

2  Pokes  fun  at  his  wife's  figure  to  make  her  laugh. 

3  Plans  with  his  wife  for  the  coming  child. 

4  Is  ashamed  to  take  his  wife  out  in  public. 

5  Reassures  his  wife  that  he  doesn't  mind  her  changing  silhouette  and  demon- 

strates his  eagerness  for  the  baby. 

6  Treats  his  wife  with  solicitude  as  if  she  were  ill. 

7  Accepts  pregnancy  as  a  normal,  natural  function. 

8  Impresses  his  wife  with  his  lore  of  stories  about  mishaps  and  difficulties  at 

birth. 

9  Does  what  he  can  to  make  life  pleasant  and  happy  for  both  of  them. 

*  KEY     6  'L  'S  'C 


Having  a  Baby  with  Its  Father  Absent.  It  is  sometimes  necessary  for 
the  husband  to  be  away  from  home  during  his  wife's  pregnancy.  Un- 
fortunate as  this  situation  is,  the  mature  couple  can  find  much  satis- 
faction in  letters.  Sharing  the  eagerness  of  anticipation,  expressing  the 
dreams  of  family  reunion  and  the  baby's  future,  choosing  the  baby's 
name,  discussing  detailed  plans  for  the  confinement  and  the  care  of  the 
baby  for  the  first  few  weeks  until  the  mother  is  able  to  undertake  its 
full  care  herself  —  all  these  bring  a  sense  of  partnership  to  the  couple 
even  though  they  are  separated.  The  prospective  mother  can  reassure 
her  husband  about  her  condition  by  relaying  accounts  of  her  trips  to  the 
doctor,  telling  him  what  the  prognosis  is,  how  she  is  spending  her  time, 
and  how  she  looks  forward  to  her  husband's  return  and  the  baby's  ar- 
rival so  that  they  can  all  be  a  real  family. 

Adopting  Children 

Not  all  marriages  are  blessed  with  children.  Estimates  indicate  that 
roughly  one  marriage  in  ten  is  infertile  for  one  reason  or  another.  If 
the  couple  is  truly  ready  for  parenthood,  emotionally  mature  enough 
to  enjoy  its  privileges  and  responsibilities,  and  to  accept  the  "chosen 
child"  as  their  own,  then  adoption  is  a  possibility.7 

7  Lee  and  Evelyn  Brooks,  Adventuring  in  Adoption  (Chapel  Hill:  University  of 
North  Carolina  Press,  1939). 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  355 

Where  to  find  a  child  available  for  adoption  is  a  big  question  in 
many  localities.  It  is  not  that  there  are  not  enough  children  needing 
homes.  One  child  out  of  every  eight  in  the  United  States  is  not  living 
with  both  parents.8  In  1948,  about  two  million  children  under  eighteen 
years  of  age  were  living  with  neither  parent,  and  nearly  four  million 
children  with  only  one  parent.  In  1947,  the  National  Office  of  Vital 
Statistics  estimated  some  132,000  babies  born  outside  of  marriage 
(30,000  of  them  to  girls  seventeen  years  of  age  or  younger).  The  rate 
of  infants  born  to  unmarried  women  15-44  vears  °f  age  was  nearly 
80  per  cent  higher  in  1948  than  in  1940. 9 

1940  ^    71  infants  born  outside  of  marriage 
per  10,000  unmarried  mothers 

1948  ^  127  infants  born  outside  of  marriage 
per  10,000  unmarried  mothers 

Without  proper  controls  all  these  babies  form  a  potential  black 
market  in  adoption.  The  "baby  farm"  offering  babies  for  a  price,  or 
a  "contribution"  of  several  hundred  to  more  than  a  thousand  dollars, 
should  be  assiduously  avoided.  Such  unscrupulous  outfits  rarely  offer 
the  vital  records,  birth  certificates,  and  other  controls  that  should  come 
with  adoption.  The  well-staffed  state-licensed  agency,  public  or  private, 
places  a  child  for  adoption  only  after  a  thorough  study  has  been  made 
to  safeguard  the  future  of  the  child  and  the  foster  parents.  Such  an 
agency  can  be  located  through  the  state  or  local  welfare  department. 
Adoption  laws  are  built  upon  three  important  objectives.10 

1  To  protect  the  child  from  unnecessary  separation  from  parents 
who  might  give  him  a  good  home  and  loving  care  if  sufficient  help  and 
guidance  were  available  to  them;  from  adoption  by  persons  unfit  to  have 
responsibility  for  rearing  a  child;  and  from  interference  after  he  has 
been  happily  established  in  his  adoptive  home  by  his  natural  parents, 
who  may  have  some  legal  claim  because  of  defects  in  the  adoptive  pro- 
cedure. 

8  Bureau  of  the  Census,  as  quoted  in  Chart  13,  A  Chart  Book,  op.  cit. 

9  National  Office  of  Vital  Statistics,  as  quoted  in  Chart  14,  A  Chart  Book, 
op.  cit. 

10  Adapted  from  Essentials  of  Adoption  Law  and  Procedure,  Children's  Bu- 
reau Publication  Number  331  (Federal  Security  Agency,  Washington,  D.C.,  1949), 
pp.  2,  3. 


356  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

TOO  MANY  CHILDREN  ARE  ADOPTED  WITHOUT  ADEQUATE  SAFEGUARDSI 


Children 
adopted  by 
non-related 


Children 
adopted  by 

parent  or 
stepparent 

36% 


From  Children  and  Youth  at  the  Midcentury  —  A 
Chart  Book,  Health  Publications  Institute,  Inc., 
Raleigh,  N.C. 


Who  had 
been  born 
to 

and 

23% 

Potential 
black 
market 

Who  were 
placed  for 
adoption  by 

^Married/ 
X  parents/ 

////////, 

/agency/ 
y/  45%  X 

/  /  /  /  s  /  /  // 

11  parents 

Other 
persons 

2  To  protect  the  natural  parents  from  hurried  decisions  to  give  up 
the  child,  made  under  strain  and  anxiety. 

3  To  protect  the  adopting  parents  from  taking  responsibility  for 
children  about  whose  heredity  vor  capacity  for  physical  and  mental  de- 
velopment they  know  nothing;  and  from  later  disturbance  of  their  rela- 
tionship to  the  child  by  natural  parents  whose  legal  rights  had  not  been 
given  full  consideration. 

Once  the  approved  procedures  for  adoption  have  been  followed,  the 
parents  may  relax  and  bring  up  their  chosen  children  as  their  own.  Not 
all  the  answers  in  the  heredity-environment  controversy  are  in,  but  there 
is  evidence  that  children  tend  to  resemble  their  adoptive  parents  in  many 
characteristics  more  closely  than  they  do  their  biological  parents.11  From 
what  we  know  of  personality  development,  we  would  expect  this  to  be 
generally  true.  Surely  one's  "own  baby"  is  not  as  carefully  selected 
from  the  grab  bag  of  genes  as  is  the  chosen  baby  at  adoption!  Parents 
mature  enough  to  be  ready  to  adopt  a  child  take  it  as  a  privilege  and  a 
challenge,  very  much  as  emotionally  mature  parents  have  welcomed 
their  babies  from  time  immemorial. 

11  See  especially  references  by  Freeman,  et  al.;  Newman,  et  al.;  Roe;  Skeels; 
Skodak;  and  Woodworth  in  Technical  References  at  end  of  chapter. 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  357 

Marrying  a  Ready-made  Family 

One  way  to  become  a  parent  is  to  marry  one.  In  these  days  when  re- 
marriage is  common,  it  is  not  unusual  for  a  man  to  find  himself  with 
not  only  a  wife,  but  with  a  child  or  more  as  well,  when  he  marries  their 
mother.  The  stepmother  so  cruel  and  heartless  in  the  fairy  tale  often 
turns  out  today  to  be  a  lovely  person  trying  her  best  to  win  a  place  in 
the  lives  of  the  children  of  the  man  she  married. 

Being  a  stepparent  is  not  easy.  After  all,  the  others  were  there  first. 
The  children  may  be  expected  to  cling  to  their  original  parent  and  to 
accept  the  new  parent  in  a  full-fledged  parental  status  only  after  he  or 
she  has  proven  worthy.  Jealousy  and  sibling  rivalry  that  in  other  homes 
are  but  irksome  interludes  are  apt  in  the  stepparent's  eyes  to  be  un- 
surmountable  obstacles,  green-eyed  monsters  that  will  not  be  tamed. 
Discipline  ministered  with  a  casual  hand  by  the  "real  parent"  may  seem 
like  a  threatening  form  of  hostility  or  rejection  in  the  hand  of  the  step- 
mother or  father. 

'Time  is  on  your  side"  was  never  more  true.  Patience,  understand- 
ing, and  a  willingness  to  wait  and  not  force  affection  brings  rewards  of 
new  family  ties  and  renewed  solidarity.  Even  teen-aged  young  people 
grow  up  and  learn  to  love  their  stepparents;  in  fact  that  may  be  a  good 
index  of  their  growing  maturity.  As  soon  as  parents  and  children  seem 
ready,  steps  may  be  taken  to  adopt  the  stepchildren  legally  so  that 
"your  children"  may  be  "our  children"  in  the  fullest,  final  sense. 

Grandparents  and  the  New  Baby 

Family  solidarity  at  this  time  is  often  enhanced  by  the  attention  of  the 
other  relatives.  Grandparents-to-be  are  especially  interested  in  the  new- 
comer. There  is  a  sense  of  fulfillment  in  anticipating  one's  grand- 
children that  even  parenthood  is  said  to  miss.  It  is  fortunate  that  the 
American  trend  toward  excluding  members  of  the  extended  family  from 
the  intimate  father-mother-child  constellation  has  been  reversed  with 
the  increase  in  births  under  wartime  conditions.  Wisely  managed,  as- 
sorted grandparents  are  real  assets  to  the  new  family.  When  help  is 
hard  to  hire,  a  visiting  grandmother  who  sees  the  new  family  through 
the  birth  and  the  confinement  is  a  godsend.  When  new  habits  must 
be  established  around  the  new  little  family  member,  the  going  will  be 


358  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

rough  for  the  inexperienced  parents.  The  perspective  and  the  practical 
help  of  a  grandmother  who  knows  the  way  through  the  routine  of  bath- 
ing and  feeding  schedules  is  a  real  boon.  When  the  new  father  and 
mother  feel  swamped  with  their  new  responsibilities,  it  is  comforting  to 
be  able  to  lean  for  a  bit  on  parents  and  to  take  advantage  of  their  pres- 
ence to  slip  out  for  an  evening's  fun  as  a  couple  once  again. 

THE  WAY  OUT12 

If  baby-sitters  charge  a  lot, 

For  services  they  render, 
Call  Grandma  in  to  mind  the  tot, 

For  she's  the  legal  tender. 

M.  M.  PARRISH 

To  be  sure,  grandparents  do  have  limitations  and  should  be  used 
sparingly.  Child  training  methods  do  change.  But  if  grandma  rocks 
the  baby  there  are  some  child  care  specialists  who  will  support  her.  The 
couple  do  want  to  feel  that  they  are  on  their  own  and  that  they  can 
manage  their  own  family  in  their  own  way.  But  there  are  few  in-law 
problems  if  the  family  members  are  well-adjusted  persons.  Modem 
grandmothers  are  as  eager  as  their  daughters  and  daughters-in-law  to 
follow  modern  methods  of  child  care.  Together  the  two  generations 
can  greet  the  newcomer  with  a  united  front  that  promises  well  for  his 
future. 

Having  babies  is  just  about  the  most  exciting  and  satisfying  thing 
that  can  happen  to  a  family.  The  more  it  is  shared  and  enjoyed  and  en- 
hanced by  intelligent  planning,  the  more  satisfying  it  will  become. 

Selected  Readings 

ALDRICH,  c.  ANDERSON,  AND  ALDRiCH,  MARY,  Babies  Are  Human  Beings  (New 
York:  Macmillan,  1941). 

BECKER,  HOWARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN  (EDS.),  Family,  Marriage,  and  Parent- 
hood (Boston:  Heath,  1948),  Chap.  15. 

BOWMAN,  HENRY,  Marriage  for  Moderns  (New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1948), 
Chap.  15. 

BROOKS,  LEE,  AND  BROOKS,  EVELYN,  Adventuring  in  Adoption  (Chapel  Hill: 
University  of  North  Carolina  Press,  1939). 

CHILDREN'S  BUREAU,  Essentials  of  Adoption  Law  and  Procedure  (Washing- 
ton, D.C.:  Federal  Security  Agency,  1949),  Publication  #331. 

12  From  The  Saturday  Evening  Post,  April  28,  1951. 


GETTING    READY    TO    BE    PARENTS  359 

CORE  IN,  HAZEL,  Getting  Ready  to  Be  a  Father  (New  York:  Macmillan, 


FISHBEIN,  MORRIS,  AND  BURGESS,  ERNEST  (EDS.),  Successful  Marriage  (Gar- 

den City:  Doubleday,  1947),  Part  IV,  chaps.  3,  4. 
LANDIS,  JUDSON,  AND  LANDIS,  MARY,  Building  a  Successful  Marriage  (New 

York:  Prentice-Hall,  1948),  chaps.  17,  19. 

LOCKBRIDGE,  FRANCES,  Adopting  a  Child  (New  York:  Greenberg,  1947). 
MERRILL,  FRANCIS,  Courtship  and  Marriage   (New  York:   Sloane,   1949), 

Chap.  11. 
NIMKOFF,  MEYER,  Marriage  and  the  Family  (Boston:  Houghton  Mifflin, 

1947),  Chap.  16. 
PRENTICE,  CAROL,  An  Adopted  Child  Looks  at  Adoption  (New  York:  Ap- 

pleton,  1940). 
RAUTMAN,  ARTHUR,  "Adoptive  Parents  Need  Help  Too,"  Mental  Hygiene 

(July,  1949). 
VAN  BLARCOM,  CAROLYN,  AND  coRBiN,  HAZEL,  Getting  Ready  to  Be  a  Mother 

(New  York:  Macmillan,  1940). 
WALLER,  WILLARD,  AND  HILL,  REUBEN,  The  Family:  A  Dynamic  Interpreta- 

tion, Revised  Edition  (New  York:  Dryden,  1951),  Chap.  18. 
WASSON,  VALENTINA,  The  Chosen  Baby  (Philadelphia:  Lippincott,  1939). 
ZABRISKIE,  LOUISE,  Mother  and  Baby  Care  in  Pictures,  Third  Edition  (Phila- 

delphia: Lippincott,  1946). 


Technical  References 

BISKIND,  LEONARD,  "Alleviation  of  Anxiety  during  Pregnancy,"  Modern  Medi- 
cine (May,  1946),  pp.  3—11. 

BURKE,  BERTHA,  "Nutrition  during  Pregnancy,"  Connecticut  State  Medical 
Journal  (September,  1946),  pp.  744-753. 

FREEMAN,  F.  N.J  HOLZINGER,  K.   J.J  AND  MITCHELL,  B.  C.,   "The  Influence  of 

Environment  on  the  Intelligence,  School  Achievement,  and  Conduct  of 
Foster  Children,"  2jth  'Yearbook  of  the  National  Society  for  the  Study 
of  Education  (1928),  Part  I,  pp.  103-217. 

JACOBSON,  PAUL,  "Differentials  in  Divorce  by  Duration  of  Marriage  and  Size 
of  Family,"  American  Sociological  Review  (April,  1950),  pp.  235-244. 

KAVINOKY,  NADINA,  "Marital  Adjustments  during  Pregnancy  and  the  Year 
After,"  Medical  Woman's  Journal  (October,  1949) . 

KISER,  CLYDE,  AND  WHELPTON,  p.  K.,  "Social  and  Psychological  Factors  Af- 
fecting Fertility,"  Milbank  Fund  Quarterly  (January,  1951),  XI:  The 
Interrelation  of  Fertility,  Fertility  Planning,  and  Feeling  of  Economic 
Security. 

LANDIS,  JUDSON;  POFFENBERGER,  THOMAS;  AND  POFFENBERGER,  SHIRLEY, 
"The  Effects  of  First  Pregnancy  upon  the  Sexual  Adjustment  of  212 
Couples,"  American  Sociological  Review  (December,  1950),  pp.  767- 
772. 


360  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

Midcentury  White  House  Conference  on  Children  and  Youth,  Children  and 
Youth  at  the  Midcentury:  A  Chart  Book  (Raleigh,  North  Carolina: 
Health  Publications  Institute,  Inc.,  1951). 

NEWMAN,  H.  H.;  FREEMAN,  F.  N.J  AND  HOLZINGER,  K.   J.,  Twins:  A  Study  of 

Heredity  and  Environment    (Chicago:    University   of   Chicago   Press, 

*«?)• 

REED,  ROBERT,  "The  Interrelationship  of  Marital  Adjustment,  Fertility  Con- 
trol, and  Size  of  Family,"  Milbank  Fund  Quarterly  (October,  1947), 
pp.  382-425. 

ROE,  ANNE,  AND  BURKS,  BARBARA,  Adult  Adjustment  of  Foster  Children  of 
Alcoholic  and  Psychotic  Parentage  and  the  Influence  of  the  Foster  Home 
(New  Haven:  Yale  University  Section  on  Alcohol  Studies,  1945). 

SKEELS,  HAROLD,  "Mental  Development  of  Children  in  Foster  Homes,"  Jour- 
nal of  Consulting  Psychology  (1938),  Vol.  2,  pp.  33-43. 

SKODAK,  MARIE,  "Intellectual  Development  of  Children  in  Foster  Homes,"  in 
Child  Behavior  and  Development  by  Barker,  Kounin,  and  Wright,  eds. 
(New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1943),  Chap.  16. 

STUART,  H.  c.,  "Findings  on  Examinations  of  Newborn  Infants  and  Infants 
during  the  Neo-Natal  Period  Which  Appear  to  Have  a  Relationship  to 
the  Diets  of  Their  Mothers  during  Pregnancy,"  Federation  Proceedings 
(September,  1945),  Vol.  4,  No.  3,  pp.  271-281. 

TEAGARDEN,  FLORENCE,  Child  Psychology  for  Professional  Workers  (New 
York:  Prentice-Hall,  1946),  Chap.  3. 

WOODWORTH,  R.  s.,  "Heredity  and  Environment:  A  Critical  Survey  of  Re- 
cently Published  Material  on  Twins  and  Foster  Children,"  Social  Science 
Research  Council  Bulletin  (New  York,  1941). 


CHAPTER   EIGHTEEN 


It's  Fun  to  Be  Parents 


WHAT  IT  MEANS  TO  BE  PARENTS 


Do  parents  always  have  mixed  feelings  about  their  children? 
What  does  a  baby  do  to  the  husband  and  wife  relationship? 

Is  adolescence  always  difficult? 

Are  there  methods  of  discipline  that  really  work? 

Can  parents  be  people  too? 


VERY  TIME  A  NEW  BABY  IS  BORN  THERE  IS  A  BRAND  NEW  MOTHER 

and  a  brand  new  father.  Each  must  learn  his  or  her  new  role  in  the 
family.  Each  now  has  new  privileges  and  new  responsibilities.  Previ- 
ous relationships  change  as  each  member  of  the  family  adapts  and  ad- 
justs to  the  newcomer.  Even  the  family  of  many  children  realigns  it- 
self every  time  another  baby  enters  the  circle.  This  stretching  of  the 
family  ties  is  satisfying  and  challenging.  But  it  is  strenuous  too. 


When  the  First  Baby  Comes 

There  are  at  least  three  stages  in  getting  used  to  a  new  baby.  The  first 
is  the  flowers  and  pink  ribbons  stage.  Mother  is  in  her  glory  bedecked 
in  her  best  bed  jacket,  with  roses  on  her  table  and  solicitous  friends  and 
family  asking  after  her  and  the  little  newcomer.  Father,  who  has  felt 
like  a  fifth  wheel  during  the  long  days  of  the  pregnancy  and  the  in- 
terminable hours  of  labor  and  birth,  now  comes  into  his  own  as  exuber- 
ant herald  to  all  the  world  of  the  miracle  that  has  happened.  He  passes 
cigars  to  all  the  boys  and  showers  this  wonderful  woman  of  his  with 
tokens  of  his  undying  affection.  Everybody  is  happy.  The  parents 
are  thrilled.  Life  is  wonderful  —  too  wonderful  to  last. 


364  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

Not  long  after  mother  and  baby  have  returned  from  the  hospital,  the 
second  stage  of  parent-child  relations  is  apparent.  The  exuberance  of 
the  first  flush  of  parenthood  gives  way  under  the  weight  of  daily  diapers, 
lusty  cries  at  2:00  A.M.,  and  the  cleaning  woman  who  didn't  come. 
The  insistent  demands  of  a  hungry  baby  break  into  the  tenderest  mo- 
ments of  husband  and  wife.  The  mother's  preoccupation  with  feedings 
and  daily  baths  often  seems  to  take  precedence  over  diversions  previ- 
ously enjoyed  by  the  couple.  Let  a  friend  suggest  a  movie  or  an  eve- 
ning out,  and  the  chorus  sounds  from  new  mother  and  father  alike, 
"What  will  we  do  with  the  baby?  "  Babies  bring  new  responsibilities 
thick  and  fast,  sometimes  so  fast  that  it  takes  quite  a  bit  of  readapting 
before  things  run  smoothly  around  the  little  newcomer  and  his  family. 

Before  very  long  the  family  has  a  helper  or  two.  Aunt  Molly  is  will- 
ing to  come  in  and  stay  with  the  baby  occasionally.  Or  a  trustworthy 
baby-sitter  has  been  found  who  allows  the  new  mother  and  father  an 
occasional  evening  out  to  themselves.  The  routines  which  at  first 
seemed  so  exacting  settle  down  into  comfortable  schedules.  Baby  gets 
used  to  its  food  and  sleeps  straight  through  the  night  without  a  whim- 
per. Mother  begins  to  feel  more  like  herself  now  that  she  is  around  the 
house  and  doing  her  own  work  without  getting  too  tired.  It  is  fun 
wheeling  baby  to  the  store  and  back.  Bath  time  has  become  a  frolic 
for  both  mother  and  baby.  Life  is  good  again.  The  new  family  is 
really  under  way. 

This  characteristic  cycle  reappears  in  various  forms  again  and  again 
in  the  lifetime  of  the  family.  Enthusiasm  and  the  sense  of  being  in  on 
a  wonderful  miracle  of  life  occurs  many  times  as  parents  take  pride  in 
their  children.  But  the  heavy  weight  of  responsibility  is  constantly  pres- 
ent; children  are  a  responsibility.  It  takes  many  years  to  work  through 
the  ways  and  means  of  handling  these  obligations  effectively  and  com- 
fortably, but  time  is  a  great  educator.  And  then  comes  the  quiet  satis- 
faction of  being  a  family,  the  happy  contentment  so  characteristic  of 
parenthood. 


Parents  Are  People 

Parents  are  people  first  of  all.  Long  before  the  arrival  of  their  children, 
and  long  after  the  children  have  grown  and  gone,  they  will  be  people, 
persons  in  their  own  right.  To  hear  some  talk,  one  would  think  a 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  365 

mother  and  father  were  born  and  brought  up  as  parents.  Unfortu- 
nately, few  gave  much  concern  or  time  to  the  business  of  being  parents 
before  they  found  themselves  with  their  own  children  to  rear.  No  pre- 
paratory training  period  was  required  before  children  were  allowed  to 
come  into  the  home.  No  license  was  necessary  before  practicing  parent- 
hood. Only  the  barest  of  biological  essentials  and  social  sanction  were 
required. 

As  one  of  the  authors  has  said  elsewhere, 

Parents  represent  the  last  stand  of  the  amateur.  Every  other  trade  and  pro- 
fession has  developed  standards,  has  required  study  and  practice  and  licens- 
ing before  releasing  the  student  into  his  work.  Before  a  girl  can  wave  my 
hair  or  tint  my  nails  she  must  have  gone  to  school  a  specified  number  of 
hours,  she  must  have  apprenticed  successfully  under  a  qualified  operator  and 
she  must  have  passed  a  state  examination  and  become  duly  licensed.  Nurs- 
ing, social  work,  teaching,  law,  medicine,  welding,  mechanics,  plumbers  and 
plumber's  helpers  all  must  come  up  to  standards  appropriate  to  their  success- 
ful performance.  Only  one  profession  remains  untutored  and  untrained  — 
the  bearing  and  rearing  of  our  children.1 

There  was  a  time  when  families  were  large.  Then  little  girls  learned 
how  to  take  care  of  babies  by  helping  care  for  younger  brothers  and 
sisters  under  the  watchful  eye  of  mother  or  big  sister.  There  was  a 
time  when  family  ways  were  stable.  Then  girls  learned  to  bake  bread 
and  make  candles  and  churn  butter  and  discipline  children  by  watching 
and  helping  their  mothers  do  these  things,  which  they  in  turn  would  be 
expected  to  do  when  they  grew  up.  Likewise,  boys  followed  their  fa- 
thers around  the  barn  and  shop  and  learned  through  years  of  apprentic- 
ing to  play  the  roles  they  were  to  play  later  in  their  own  homes.  Now 
each  generation  finds  itself  in  situations  so  strange  that  the  learnings  of 
childhood  only  partially  carry  over  into  adult  usefulness.  Families  now 
spend  more  and  more  of  their  time  in  complex  business  transactions 
and  community  activities  which  remain  mysteries  to  the  children.  Only 
the  most  fundamental  tasks  remain  in  the  home  —  washing  dishes, 
laundering,  cooking,  and  bedmaking. 

Parents  have  learned  to  be  parents  by  being  parents!  Step  by  step 
as  the  children  grow  up  the  parents  develop  too;  skills  for  handling  situ- 
ations are  perfected;  what  to  expect  becomes  clearer.  By  the  time  the 

1  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  "Growing  Edges  in  Family  Life  Education/'  Marriage 
and  Family  Living,  May,  1944,  p.  22. 


366  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

children  are  grown,  most  parents  have  some  pretty  good  ideas  about 
what  they  would  do  differently  if  they  could  start  all  over  again.  But 
by  that  time  their  children  are  out  starting  in  all  over  again,  for  them- 
selves. 

Parents  start  with  their  own  particular  concepts  of  what  they  may 
expect  of  a  child.  These  ideas  are  gleaned  from  the  expectations  of  the 
people  with  whom  they  have  grown  up.  Although  there  are  some  com- 
mon denominators,  true  for  all  levels  of  society,  as  to  what  constitutes  a 
good  child,  most  parents  follow  the  demands  and  expectations  of  their 
particular  set  in  their  judgment  of  what  must  be  expected  of  children. 
Recent  studies  at  the  University  of  Chicago  indicate  that  there  are  sig- 
nificant differences  between  racial  groupings,  and  particularly  between 
the  various  socio-economic  classes,  in  what  is  expected  of  children.2 

These  specific  judgments  of  what  a  child  should  and  should  not  do 
are  gathered  from  neighbors  and  friends  who  exert  pressure  upon  par- 
ents to  exact  behavior  of  one  kind  or  another  from  their  children. 
"What  will  the  neighbors  say  if  I  let  him  .  .  .  ?"  is  a  powerful  factor 
in  the  disciplining  of  many  a  child.  These  social  pressures  tend  to 
strengthen  and  to  modify  the  earlier  learning  of  childhood  as  to  what  is 
appropriate  and  inappropriate  behavior. 

Parents  tend  to  reproduce  or  to  repudiate  their  own  childhood  train- 
ing in  the  bringing  up  of  children.  It  is  a  frequent  experience  for  a 
parent  to  find  himself  involved  in  a  situation  almost  identical  with  one 
he  experienced  as  a  child.  He  suddenly  finds  himself  acting  out  the  role 
his  parent  played.  It  may  not  be  a  pleasant  role;  it  may  not  even  be  a 
comfortable  one  for  him;  but  somehow,  it  suddenly  appears  full-blown 
in  an  actual  situation. 

Consider  the  case  of  Mrs.  C.  She  is  a  modern  mother,  trying  to 
bring  up  her  child  in  a  progressive  manner.  But  one  day  in  a  burst  of 
anger  at  her  son's  use  of  a  vile  phrase  she  found  herself  washing  out  his 
mouth  with  soap  in  exactly  the  way  her  mother  had  done  when  she  had 
used  unseemly  language.  Mrs.  C.  didn't  believe  in  such  harsh  disci- 
pline. The  methods  which  she  was  consciously  putting  into  practice 
were  more  studied  and  less  impulsive.  But  in  the  heat  of  the  actual 

2  W.  Allison  Davis  and  Robert  Havighurst,  Father  of  the  Man  (Boston: 
Houghton  Mifflin,  1947);  W.  Lloyd  Warner,  Robert  Havighurst,  and  Martin  Loeb, 
Who  Shall  Be  Educated?  (New  York:  Harper,  1944);  and  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall, 
"Conceptions  of  Parenthood,"  American  Journal  of  Sociology  (November,  1946), 
pp.  193-203.  See  Chap.  I,  p.  6. 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS 


367 


situation  she  reverted  to  what  her  mother  had  found  effective.  She 
was  so  identified  with  her  own  mother  that  in  a  crisis  she  reproduced  her 
mother's  method  of  discipline  even  though  it  was  not  her  ownl 

At  other  times  parents  find  themselves  just  as  vigorously  repudiat- 
ing the  patterns  of  their  own  parents.  There  is  John  Q.,  for  instance.  His 
father  was  a  harsh  man,  quick  to  use  the  strap  or  hairbrush  where  it 
would  do  the  most  good,  if  any  of  his  children  disobeyed  or  defied  him. 
John  grew  up  vowing  that  he  would  never  lay  a  hand  on  one  of  his  own 
children.  No  matter  what  they  do  to  provoke  him,  he  insists  on  reason- 
ing it  out  with  them.  Never  once  in  his  life  has  he  raised  his  voice  or  his 
hand  to  his  children.  Because  his  father  was  harsh,  he  cannot  be.  In- 
sightful parents  learn  to  spot  these  compulsive  responses  and  to  under- 
stand their  causes. 

Parents  Who  Live  through  Their  Children.  Mothers  and  fathers  who 
live  vicariously  through  their  children  are  doomed  to  disappointment. 
No  one  can  live  the  life  of  another,  not  even  of  one's  own  child.  But 
because  of  frustrations  in  their  own  youth,  parents  often  insist  on  trying 
to  find  satisfaction  through  their  children.  Alice  T.  always  wanted  to 


"You're  so  disobedient,  stubborn,  contrary  .  .  .  Mother's  proud  of  you." 

Copyright  1944.    Field  Publications.    Reprinted 
by  permission  of  the  newspaper  PM 


368  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

take  violin  lessons  when  she  was  a  little  girl.  Her  parents  refused  to 
allow  this  extra  extravagance  until  she  had  mastered  the  piano.  That 
day  never  arrived  for  her.  Now  she  stands  over  her  seven-year-old  son 
insisting  that  he  practice  on  his  violin.  He  unfortunately  doesn't  share 
her  enthusiasm  for  violin  playing  and  is  rebelling  with  all  the  fury  of  an 
active  seven-year-old.  So  the  mother  is  disappointed  and  despairing, 
while  the  son  learns  how  to  resist  her  efforts  to  live  his  life.  Many 
parents  are  so  eager  that  their  children  should  enjoy  all  the  satisfactions 
which  they  have  been  denied  that  they  try  to  live  through  the  child 
rather  than  with  him. 

Parents  Who  Grow  Up  with  Their  Children.  The  secret  of  successful 
parenthood  seems  to  lie  in  the  ability  of  the  parents  to  keep  on  growing. 
Parents  who  continue  to  find  joy  in  learning  show  by  their  enthusiasm 
and  interest  that  learning  is  fun.  By  being  the  kind  of  people  who  live 
eagerly,  they  show  their  youngsters  how  worth  while  it  all  is. 

Mary  Ellen,  like  Alice  T.,  always  wanted  to  play  the  violin.  She 
didn't  get  a  chance  until  after  she  was  married  and  had  reared  her  three 
children  past  the  diaper  stage.  Then  she  hunted  up  a  first-rate  teacher 
and  began  her  musical  education.  She  took  her  practicing  seriously  and 
was  faithful  in  her  lessons;  she  shared  her  little  triumphs  and  failures 
with  the  family;  she  nodded  understandingly  when  the  children  ran 
into  snags  with  their  lessons,  for  she  knew  what  it  was  to  unravel 
tangles.  The  children  admired  their  mother's  growing  skill  and  co- 
operated actively  in  getting  ready  for  the  friends  that  she  sometimes  had 
in  to  play  with  her.  When  these  little  affairs  grew  into  an  informal 
chamber  music  group,  the  two  older  children  begged  to  be  admitted 
with  their  instruments.  Today  the  whole  family  enjoys  music  to- 
gether. Practicing  is  not  a  matter  of  parent-child  tension  but  an  ac- 
cepted part  of  the  whole  pattern  of  family  life. 

Of  course  not  every  family  finds  its  satisfaction  in  music.  It  may  be 
books  in  some  homes;  or  scientific  explorations  in  others;  or  shop  work 
and  household  decoration  in  another.  But  whatever  the  parents  find 
absorbing,  these  things  the  children  will  find  interesting.  Yes,  more 
than  that,  parents  who  continue  to  cultivate  their  interests  are  appre- 
ciated and  enjoyed  by  their  children  as  real  people. 

A  father  of  five  children  put  it  neatly  when  he  said,  "It's  more  im- 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  369 

portant  that  children  admire  their  parents  than  it  is  for  parents  to  ad- 
mire their  children."  When  parents  continue  to  grow  and  to  find  life 
challenging,  the  children  are  led  rather  than  driven  into  the  good  things 
of  life.  Discipline  is  relatively  simple,  because  the  parents  are  getting 
their  own  satisfactions  for  themselves,  and  because  they  are  freer  to 
understand  and  to  deal  with  the  children's  problems  as  they  arise.  The 
development  of  the  individuality  of  the  child  is  assured  when  each 
member  of  the  family  is  encouraged  to  develop  his  own  interests  at  his 
own  pace,  without  the  stifling  burden  of  having  to  satisfy  the  needs  of 
another  by  the  excellence  of  his  performance. 

How  Parents  Affect  Children 

Children  are  not  chips  off  the  old  block.  They  are  developing  human 
beings  with  needs  to  satisfy  and  tasks  to  accomplish.  Because  parents 
are  the  people  the  child  first  knows  and  loves,  because  they  are  so  all- 
powerful  in  satisfying  his  early  hungers  and  funneling  through  to  him 
the  things  he  needs,  the  impressions  they  leave  are  lifelong.  Just  how 
this  influence  works  in  the  life  of  any  individual  is  seen  only  by  careful 
study  of  his  own  particular  life  history.  But  certain  aspects  of  parent- 
child  interaction  are  so  general  that  it  may  be  helpful  to  consider  them 
here. 

Meeting  Basic  Needs.  Present-day  knowledge  of  the  basic  needs  of 
children  comes  out  of  a  rich  background  of  years  of  insightful  experi- 
ence in  learning  how  children  grow  and  in  learning  what  affects,  for 
better  and  for  worse,  their  development  through  the  years.  These  find- 
ings have  come  relatively  late  in  man's  history.  Many  generations  ago 
people  generally  knew  that  a  horse  which  had  been  mistreated  would 
probably  be  vicious.  Centuries  ago  common  people  knew  that  living 
things  required  certain  basic  essentials  of  food,  light,  air,  and  favorable 
atmospheric  conditions.  When  these  elements  necessary  for  growth 
were  provided  in  proper  amounts  and  at  the  times  when  they  were 
needed,  the  organism,  be  it  cow,  corn,  or  human  being,  grew  strong  and 
sturdy,  and  thrived.  When  these  essentials  were  lacking  or  delayed,  the 
plant  withered  and  died,  the  animal  wasted  away  and  became  progres- 
sively unhappy,  disagreeable,  and  listless.  But  it  took  the  twentieth 
century  to  bring  the  scientific  investigations  and  points  of  view  which 


370  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

allow  us  to  see  children  as  dynamically  growing,  living  organisms  af- 
fected by  understandable  laws  of  growth  which  must  be  obeyed  if  life 
is  to  develop  at  its  best. 

These  new  findings  have  competed  successfully  with  many  theories 
and  platitudes  about  child  nature  that  have  been  handed  down  from 
generation  to  generation  by  people  trying  to  make  sense  out  of  human 
conduct  and  development.  The  earlier  efforts  to  understand  young- 
sters were  well-meaning  but  not  well  founded  and  have  had  to  be  repu- 
diated or  reformed  in  the  light  of  more  valid  insights.  Such  time- 
honored  sayings  as  the  following  are  being  revised: 

•  Spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  child. 

•  Like  father,  like  son. 

•  Chip  off  the  old  block. 

•  Children  should  be  seen  and  not  heard. 

•  Mother  is  always  right. 

•  Cleanliness  is  next  to  godliness. 

•  A  child  is  but  a  miniature  adult  .  .  .  "little  men,"  "little  women." 

•  Just  like  his  uncle  Jim. 

•  A  bad  boy  through  and  through. 

•  Treat  a  boy  soft  and  you'll  make  a  sissy  out  of  him. 

•  You  can't  teach  an  old  dog  new  tricks. 

•  Give  a  child  an  inch  and  he'll  take  an  ell. 

•  Kill  him  with  kindness. 

•  She's  the  spit  an'  image  of  her  mother. 

•  Grandmothers  always  spoil  children  by  being  too  good  to  them. 

•  If  you  are  nice  to  a  child,  he'll  take  advantage  of  you. 

•  The  school  of  hard  knocks  is  the  best  teacher. 

•  Born  under  a  lucky  star. 

Some  of  these  principles  are  so  unsound  that  their  influence  is  seri- 
ously harmful.  Many  of  these  statements  are  just  not  true  and  clutter 
our  thinking  with  fallacies  that  must  soon  give  way  to  more  valid  find- 
ings. Some  are  but  partially  true,  needing  considerably  more  qualifica- 
tion and  modification  than  is  implied.  They  all  need  to  be  examined 
carefully  and  revised  or  rejected  in  terms  of  the  more  valid  findings 
shown  in  the  table  on  pp.  372-373.  Most  of  us  are  in  the  stage  of  clear- 
ing up  our  thinking  about  ourselves  and  getting  the  basis  for  under- 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  371 

standing  our  children  that  will  help  us  supply  their  needs.  Examination 
of  this  table  shows  the  specific  ways  in  which  these  human  needs  for 
security,  love,  response,  and  achievement  may  be  met. 

Discipline  Makes  a  Difference.  Discipline  which  promotes  the  devel- 
opment of  the  child  has  six  characteristics:  i.  it  is  firm,  reliable,  and 
kind;  2.  it  shows  the  child  what  others  expect  of  him;  3.  it  encourages 
the  child  and  promotes  a  feeling  of  faith  in  himself;  4.  it  strengthens 
the  child's  skills  for  better  future  performance;  5.  it  does  not  sever  the 
child's  sense  of  belonging  to  the  group;  and  6.  it  comes  from  mature, 
lovable  adults  worthy  of  being  emulated. 

All  too  often  discipline  is  a  means  through  which  parents  express 
their  irritation  and  annoyance.  Children  often  act  in  ways  which  annoy 
adults,  it  is  true.  The  love  of  dirt  and  of  noise  and  of  endless  explora- 
tion so  characteristic  of  childhood  is  an  affront  to  the  values  of  adults. 
There  is  nevertheless  little  justification  for  calling  scolding  and  punish- 
ment in  such  situations  good  discipline. 

Haphazard  techniques  of  discipline  are  likely  to  affect  the  child's 
feeling  of  personal  worth,  and  his  responses  to  other  people  may  be  ad- 
versely affected.  Harsh,  cruel  punishment  blocks  and  distorts  the 
child's  feelings  for  others  and  shakes  his  faith  in  himself.  Discipline 
which  alienates  and  isolates  the  child  casts  him  outside  the  group  and 
forbids  him  the  privilege  of  being  loved  just  when  he  needs  it  most! 
Lax  and  inconsistent  treatment,  on  the  other  hand,  fails  to  teach  the 
growing  youngster  the  necessary  controls  of  society,  so  that  he  ends  up 
like  a  ship  without  a  rudder.  To  be  effective,  discipline  must  be  ad- 
ministered by  adults  whose  example  is  worthy  of  emulation  and  it 
should  be  firm  and  predictable.  To  treat  a  child  otherwise  is  to  play 
fast  and  loose  with  his  emotions. 

Terman's  study  reveals  that  firm,  but  not  harsh,  discipline  accom- 
panied by  a  close  relationship  with  parents  is  related  to  later  marriage 
success.8  Marriage  adjustments  are  but  elaborations  and  modifications 
of  the  relationships  built  up  in  childhood. 

Look  at  Alvin,  for  instance.  He  is  the  product  of  inconsistent  dis- 
cipline. He  was  the  only  child  of  an  over-protective  widowed  mother. 
At  times  he  felt  overwhelmed  by  her  heavy  expectations.  He  spent 
most  of  his  childhood  dodging  her  passes  and  demands.  He  developed 

8  Lewis  M.  Terman  and  associates,  Psychological  Factors  in  Marital  Happinest 
(New  York:  McGraw-Hill,  1938),  pp.  228-231. 


372  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

elaborate  deceits  and  subterfuges.  Then  at  other  times  he  could  get 
away  with  anything.  He  would  just  creep  back  into  her  arms  for  cud- 
dling whenever  one  of  his  escapades  had  been  discovered.  His  wife 
must  now  cope  with  the  weaknesses  resulting  from  the  earlier  inconsis- 
tent discipline.  He  keeps  her  frantic  with  worry,  as  he  did  his  mother, 
as  he  flies  from  one  affair  to  another,  always  returning  with  the  little-boy 
winsomeness  that  was  so  effective  in  dealing  with  his  mother's  concern. 
He  has  carried  over  into  his  marriage  the  adjustment  patterns  he  de- 
veloped in  his  boyhood. 

Sally  developed  quite  a  different  attitude  toward  people  in  her  child- 
hood. Her  parents  were  fond  of  her  and  in  love  with  -each  other.  She 
was  brought  up  to  know  what  was  right  and  was  given  opportunities  to 
perfect  her  skills  in  being  a  good  girl.  Her  parents  rejoiced  in  her 
growth  and  were  understanding  and  sympathetic  when  she  made  mis- 
takes. She  and  her  father  were  fond  of  each  other.  She  loved  her 
mother  and  wanted  to  be  like  her  when  she  grew  up.  By  the  time  she 
was  in  her  teens  she  was  treated  like  a  young  adult  in  the  household, 
and  she  thought  of  her  father  and  mother  as  persons  rather  than  just  as 
parents.  She  married  a  man  as  emotionally  mature  as  she,  and  her  mar- 
ried life  is  the  natural  extension  of  the  fine  adjustment  she  made  as  a 
growing  girl. 

Discipline  makes  a  difference! 

EMOTIONAL  SATISFACTIONS  DESIRED  BY   HUMAN   BEINGS* 

AFFECTIONAL,    WARM,    SECURITY-GIVING    SATISFACTIONS 
For  the  infant  they  come  mainly  through 

Affection.     Being  cuddled,  t    Given  physical  closeness,  fondling,  etc. 

Response.  Being  attended  to  when  in  pain  or  uncomfortable.  Being  fussed 
over,  talked  to,  given  attention,  etc. 

Belongjngness.     Being  cuddled  and  given  physical  closeness,  t 

For  the  young  child  they  come  mainly  through 

Affection.  Continuing  cuddling,  etc.  Verbal  as  well  as  tactual  demonstrative- 
ness. 

Response.     (Same  as  infant  response.) 

Belongingness.  Acceptance  by  his  mother  (and  closeness  to  her  and  later  to  fa- 
ther).! Having  a  safe  family  unit  to  belong  to  (i.e.,  parents  har- 
monious, so  that  belongingness  is  not  continually  threatened).!  Be- 
ing given  support  when  in  trouble  or  doubt  (in  such  a  way  as  to  let 
him  feel  he  still  belongs  no  matter  what).! 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  373 

Por  the  adult  they  come  mainly  through 

Affection.     Tactual  demonstrativeness.    Verbal  demonstrativeness.    Being  loved. 

Response.     Friendships  —  being  liked  for  what  one  is  rather  than  for  what  one 
does.    Loyalty.    Sympathy.    Understanding.    Consideration,  etc. 

Belongingness.     Having  a  place  in  society  at  large,  i.e.,  status   (which  involves 
likeness  with  others  and  differences). 


FUNDAMENTAL    SENSORY    GRATIFICATIONS 
For  the  infant  they  come  mainly  through 

Sucking. t  Cuddling. t  General  bodily  comfort.  (Hunger  satisfied  without  a 
prolonged  period  of  waiting,  t ) 

For  the  young  child  they  come  mainly  through 

Sucking.t  Pleasure  and  interest  in  elimination:  messing. t  Masturbation. t  Gen- 
eral bodily  comfort. 

For  the  adult  they  come  mainly  through 

Satisfying  sexual  experiences.     General  bodily  comfort. 

SELF-ENLARGING,    EGO-BUILDING,    ADEQUACY-GIVING    SATISFACTIONS 
For  the  infant  they  come  mainly  through 

Achievement.  Gaining  satisfying  response  by  crying  when  in  pain  or  when  un- 
comfortable, t  Progressively  developing  body  activities. 

Recognition.     Being  admired,  having  developments  noted,  etc. 

For  the  young  child  they  come  mainly  through 

Achievement.  Self-direction:  maintaining  independence  in  regulating  own  volun- 
tary physiological  activities,  especially  eating  and  defecation;  explor- 
ing the  environment  with  all  sense  modalities  carrying  through  to 
immediate  goals  the  impulses  of  the  moment.  Learning  to  talk  and 
communicate  (progressive  symbolization ) .  Being  able  to  accomplish 
comfortably  what  his  parents  demand.  Physical  efficiency. 

Recognition.  (Same  as  infant  recognition.)  Having  all  accomplishments  ap- 
proved. 

For  the  adult  they  come  mainly  through 

Achievement.  Vocational  and/or  avocational  activities  which  can  be  successfully 
carried  through  to  satisfying  goals.  Self-direction:  being  able  to  take 
responsibility  and  to  make  independent  choices.  Developing  an  in- 
dividuality which  one  can  think  well  of  in  spite  of  a  realistic  facing  of 
weak  spots. 

Recognition.  Having  what  one  does  appreciated  and  thought  well  of,  admired, 
followed,  etc. 

*  Adapted  with  permission  from  Lee  E.  Travis  and  Dorothy  W.  Baruch,  Personal 
Problems  of  Everyday  Life  (New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1941),  pp.  80-82. 

t  Items  frequently  frustrated  in  our  culture. 


374  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


CHECK   YOURSELF  With   the   understanding   of  the   basic   needs  of   children   gleaned 

from  the  table  on  page  372,  indicate  what  should  be  done  in  each 

of  the  following  situations.  Mark  the  course  of  action  you  feel  would  most  satisfactorily  meet 
the  child's  needs  and  help  him  to  be  stronger  in  a  similar  situation  next  time.  Place  a  (1) 
for  the  action  which  you  feel  is  the  best  choice.  Put  a  (2)  for  the  courses  of  action  which  you 
feel  might  work.  Mark  the  statement  with  an  (X)  if  you  feel  that  the  action  might  be  harmful, 
or  not  effective. 

SITUATION  i.    Junior,  aged  six  months,  sucks  his  thumb. 

a  Tie  his  hands  down  to  the  mattress  so  he  can't  get  his  fingers  to  his  mouth. 

b  Let  him  have  a  little  longer  time  at  the  bottle  or  breast. 

c  Put  a  metal  thumb  guard  on  his  thumb. 

d  Splint  his  arm  so  that  he  can't  bend  his  elbow. 

•  Give  him  a  piece  of  zwieback  or  toast  to  suck  when  he  is  tired  or  hungry. 

f  Scold  him  severely  every  time  you  catch  him  with  his  thumb  in  his  mouth. 

g  Slap  his  hands  every  time  they  go  near  his  mouth. 

h  Ignore  it.    Most  babies  suck  their  thumbs.    He'll  outgrow  it  soon. 

I  Cuddle  him  a  bit  when  he  is  tired  and  restless. 

| Hold  him  in  your  arms  when  you  feed  him. 

k  Put  bitter  aloes  on  his  thumb. 

I  Take  up  the  matter  with  your  doctor  or  child  guidance  specialist. 

m  Ask  your  mother  what  she  did. 

n  Try  a  little  of  everything.    Something  is  sure  to  work. 

SITUATION  2.    Sally,  aged  fifteen,  stayed  out  a  whole  hour  later  than  she  was  sup- 
posed to  last  evening. 

a  Give  her  a  good  bawling  out.    She  should  know  better. 

b  Ignore  it.    She  probably  didn't  realize  the  time. 

c  Make  her  stay  in  every  night  this  month  as  punishment. 

d  Find  out  whom  she  was  out  with  and  forbid  her  from  seeing  him  (or  them) 

again. 

•  Buy  her  a  good  watch. 

f  Try  to  find  out  why  she  was  so  late.    Listen  to  her  story. 

g  See  what  she  suggests  for  getting  in  on  time  after  this. 

h  Tell  her  she  can't  go  out  again  in  the  evening  until  she's  big  enough  to  get 

back  on  time. 

I  Thrash  her.    You  can't  let  girls  roam  the  streets  at  all  hours  of  the  night. 

j  Call  up  the  young  man  who  kept  her  out  so  long  and  give  him  a  good  talk- 
ing to. 

k Discuss  it  calmly  with  her  and  work  out  some  understanding  about  future 

nights  out. 

I  Say  nothing  now,  but  next  time  she  is  ready  to  leave  the  house  remind  her 

that  you  expect  her  in  on  time. 

m  Give  her  an  opportunity  to  help  set  the  hour  at  which  she  feels  she  should 

return. 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  375 

SITUATION  3.     Nineteen-year-old  son  George,  away  at  school,  wants  to  marry  the  girl 
he  has  been  going  with  the  past  two  years. 

a  Absolutely  forbid  it.    He's  too  young  to  know  his  own  mind. 

b  Pretend  you  don't  care  whether  he  does  or  not. 

c  Go  and  visit  the  girl  and  get  better  acquainted  with  her. 

d  Write  George  a  letter  giving  him  all  the  reasons  why  he  should  wait. 

e  Wait  until  he  gets  home  and  then  find  out  how  he  feels  about  it. 

f  Let  him  do  what  he  thinks  best.    He's  old  enough  to  know  his  own  mind. 

g  Go  right  down  to  visit  him  and  put  a  finish  to  the  whole  affair. 

h  Tell  him  if  he  marries  now  it  will  break  his  mother's  heart. 

i  Talk  it  over  with  a  sympathetic  counselor  if  it  bothers  you. 

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Sex  Education  Is  Important  Too.  Little  children  learn  by  watching, 
imitating,  and  exploring.  This  is  as  true  in  learning  about  how  their 
bodies  are  made  and  function  as  in  any  other  area.  To  get  the  facts 
they  desire  about  themselves  and  others,  little  children  explore  i.  by 
asking  questions  and  talking  about  how  their  bodies  work,  2.  by  watch- 
ing and  imitating  adults,  3.  by  looking  at  the  bodies  of  others,  and 
4.  by  feeling  and  rubbing  genitalia.  Now  it  happens,  in  our  culture, 
that  all  four  of  these  activities  are  considered  taboo  by  some  adults. 
Parents  are  sometimes  uncomfortable  at  seeing  little  girls  running  about 
in  abbreviated  sunsuits  and  are  shocked  to  see  nursery  school  children 
looking  at  each  other  at  toilet  time.  A  great  many  parents  and  teach- 
ers have  been  so  frightened  by  false  stories  of  the  evils  of  masturbation 
that  they  severely  punish  and  shame  little  children  who  touch  their 
genitalia.  Too  many  adults  still  are  embarrassed  by  the  searching  ques- 
tions and  interest  of  intelligent  children  naturally  concerned  about  their 
origin,  the  functions  of  their  bodies,  and  the  happenings  in  human  and 
animal  families  around  them.  Consequently  many  children  are  left  at 
an  early  age  with  the  impression  that  there  is  something  dirty  and 
shameful  about  the  sex  organs,  and  something  wrong  about  sexual  sen- 
sations. Adult  embarrassment,  uneasiness,  and  fear  are  transferred  to 
the  child  almost  without  his  being  aware  of  it.  As  he  grows  older,  sex 
references  continue  to  bring  feelings  of  guilt  and  shame.  Dirty  stories, 


376 


THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 


"Dad,  will  you  bring  me  home  a  baby  sister  like  Mom  did?" 


les,  and  other  indirect  outlets  are  found  to  take  the  place  of  the 
more  normal,  complete  responses  of  sex  love.  Feelings  of  personal  un- 
worthiness  make  it  difficult  to  fall  in  love  with  desirable  love  objects, 
and  control  of  the  powerful  sex  urges  becomes  difficult. 

Parents  who  are  more  wholesomely  conditioned  and  more  aware  of 
their  own  limitations  clamor  for  guidance  in  the  sex  education  of  their 
children.  Few  topics  are  more  popular  in  child  study,  parent  education, 
and  teacher  training  classes.  Books  like  the  following  are  basic. 


SELECTED  STARTER  LIBRARY  IN  SEX  EDUCATION 
Books  for  Children 

BIBBY,  CYRIL,  How  Life  is  Handed  On  (New  York:  Emerson,  1947) . 

DE  SCHWEINITZ,  KARL,  Growing  Up,  Revised  Edition  (New  York:  Macmil- 

lan,  1949). 
EMERSON,  VICTORIA,  AND  THOMPSON,  JAMES,  Into  the  World  (New  York: 

Woman's  Press,  1950). 
FAEGRE,  MARION,  Your  Own  Story  (Minneapolis:  University  of  Minnesota 

Press,  1943). 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  377 

LEVINE,  MILTON,  AND  SELiGMANN,  j.  H.,  The  Wonder  of  Life  (New  York: 

Simon  and  Schuster,  1940). 
STRAIN,  FRANCES  BRUCE,  Being  Born  (New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1938). 

Books  for  Young  People 

BECK,  LESTER,  Human  Growth  (New  York:  Harcourt,  Brace,  1949). 

DICKERSON,  ROY,  So  Youth  May  Know,  Revised  Edition  (New  York:  Associa- 
tion Press,  1948). 

DUVALL,  EVELYN  MiLLis,  Facts  of  Life  and  Love  (New  York:  Association 
Press,  1950). 

KELIHER,  ALICE,  Life  and  Growth  (New  York:  Appleton-Century,  1938). 

MUSEUM  OF  SCIENCE  AND  INDUSTRY,  The  Miracle  of  Growth  (Urbana:  Uni- 
versity of  Illinois  Press,  1950). 

Books  for  Parents  and  Teachers 

BIESTER,  LILLIAN;  GRIFFITHS,  WILLIAM;  AND  PEARCE,  N.  o.,  Units  in  Personal 
Health  and  Human  Relations  (Minneapolis:  University  of  Minnesota 
Press,  1947). 

GRUENBERG,  siDONiE  M.,  The  Wonderful  Story  of  How  You  Were  Born 
(Garden  City,  N.Y.:  Hanover  House,  1952). 

KIRKENDALL,  LESTER,  Sex  Education  as  Human  Relations  (New  York:  Inor 
Publishing,  1950). 

STRAIN,  FRANCES  BRUCE,  New  Patterns  in  Sex  Teaching,  Revised  Edition 
(New  York:  Appleton-Century-Crofts,  1951). 

,  Sex  Guidance  in  Family  Life  Education  (New  York:  Macmillan,  1948) . 

,  The  Normal  Sex  Interests  of  Children  (New  York:  Appleton-Century- 
Crofts,  1948). 

Gradually  the  old  taboos  are  breaking  down;  parents  and  children 
alike  are  becoming  comfortable  about  sex.  The  next  generation  of 
young  people  will  not  have  to  put  up  with  obstacles  now  that  the  paths 
have  been  cleared. 


Adolescent  Parent  Interaction  * 

Adolescence  is  almost  as  hard  for  parents  as  it  is  for  the  youngsters 
themselves.  Psychologists  have  been  dealing  with  the  problems  of  the 
growing  young  person  for  years,  but  only  recently  have  parents  felt  free 

4  This  discussion  is  adapted  from  an  article  by  Evelyn  Millis  Duvall,  "Our 
Children  Are  Growing  up,"  The  Christian  Home,  December,  1944:  a  parents'  maga- 
zine published  by  The  Methodist  Publishing  House.  Used  by  permission. 


378  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

enough  to  study  the  magnitude  of  the  adjustments  they  must  make  as 
their  children  grow  up. 

Mary  Alice's  mother  smiled  as  she  started  to  lengthen  another  of 
Mary  Alice's  skirts.  "My,  how  this  child  is  growing,"  she  commented 
to  her  husband,  who  was  just  settling  down  to  read  the  paper. 

"Wish  she'd  learn  to  pick  up  her  things,"  he  mumbled  as  he  pulled 
out  the  tennis  ball  he  had  sat  down  on. 

"But  she's  really  quite  mature  in  many  ways;  why  just  yester- 
day .  .  .  ,"  mother  began  again. 

"Yes,  I  know,  I  know.  And  last  Sunday's  supper  was  a  masterpiece. 
Shows  she  can  do  things  when  she  really  wants  to.  .What  gets  me  is 
that  she's  so  unreliable,  a  child  one  minute  and  more  grown-up  than 
either  of  us  the  next.  Ho  hum,  that's  life  I  suppose." 

Yes,  that  is  life,  especially  when  children  are  growing  up  fast,  full  of 
contradictions  as  well  as  unreliability,  full  of  mixed  feelings  for  both 
parents,  full  of  problems  and  puzzles  and  new  ways  of  living  and  looking 
at  life.  But  the  mixed  feelings  that  Mary  Alice's  parents  share  about 
her  are  only  a  sample  of  the  typical  mixture  of  emotions  which  most 
parents  have  toward  their  growing  children. 

Pride  and  admiration  loom  large  for  most  parents.  That  this  child 
of  theirs,  so  recently  a  helpless  infant,  a  clumsy  toddler,  is  now  a  crea- 
ture of  size  and  strength  is  an  overwhelming  reality  to  face.  The  proud 
father  and  mother  cannot  help  but  feel  pride  in  the  skills  and  achieve- 
ments which  unfold  so  rapidly  as  growing  children  get  a  feeling  of  what 
they  can  do;  admiration  for  the  way  they  open  up  new  outlets  for  their 
interests;  satisfaction  in  the  promotions  and  the  honors  that  come  along; 
pleasure  in  the  open  admiration  of  friends  and  often  of  total  strangers. 
These  are  familiar  feelings  to  most  parents  of  growing  youth. 

Bewilderment,  annoyance,  and  some  irritation  are  not  rare  among 
the  parents  of  adolescents.  Mary  Alice's  father  is  right.  When  they  are 
honest  with  themselves  parents  admit  considerable  irritation  over  the 
spottiness  of  their  youngsters'  behavior,  annoyance  over  the  almost  com- 
plete disregard  of  adult  values  —  the  noise  and  the  untidiness  and  the 
crudity  are  difficult  to  bear.  Parents  are  annoyed  at  the  inconsistency 
and  the  unreliability  of  youth  —  pajamas  on  the  floor  in  a  heap  six  days 
out  of  seven,  and  then  the  one  day  when  the  room  is  immaculate,  a 
decorator's  dream  (Jimmy  is  expected  over  at  four).  The  bathroom 
can  be  a  mess  four  tubs  out  of  five,  and  then  such  scouring  for  a  chit  of 


WHAT    IT    MEANS    TO    BE    PARENTS  379 

a  scout  leader  who  is  dropping  by  to  leave  a  package!  Mary  Alice  may 
be  too  tired  to  study  or  help  with  the  dishes  —  but  when  Henry  calls 
she's  so  peppy  and  full  of  life  that  one  wonders  at  the  source  of  all  the 
extra  vitality.  Weeks  without  any  real  studying  can  be  interrupted  by 
a  sudden  burst  that  lasts  for  days  and  results  in  a  stunning  fifty-page  re- 
port for  a  new  science  teacher.  Thoughtlessness  of  everybody  may  be 
relieved  by  a  devoted  dedication  to  a  particularly  difficult  task  to  please 
the  family.  Bewildering  is  the  word  for  adolescent  behavior. 

Wise  parents  realize  that  adolescence  is  the  time  for  trying  out  adult 
roles.  Old  familiar  tasks,  like  picking  up  clothes  and  wiping  dishes  and 
studying  the  same  old  stuff,  have  lost  much  of  their  appeal  because 
they  have  already  been  mastered.  Greater  challenges  are  needed  and, 
when  recognized,  are  pounced  upon  eagerly.  By  careful  observation  of 
adolescent  behavior,  experts  have  discovered  the  tasks  which  young  peo- 
ple strive  to  perform.6  Parents  too  will  see  some  reason  for  their  champ- 
ing at  the  bit.  Adolescents  are  in  a  big  hurry  to  grow  up  and  do  big 
things. 

All  this  recognition  of  the  nature  of  adolescent  cravings  goes  just  so 
far  in  helping  parents.  Because  parents  are  persons  with  their  own 
needs  for  appreciation  and  recognition,  the  collision  of  wishes  is  bound 
to  be  frequent  and  stormy.  Parents  really  don't  think  their  way  through 
their  youngsters'  adolescence;  they  feel  and  storm  their  way  through  it 
with  the  adolescents  themselves. 

Parents  could  probably  take  the  mixture  of  admiration  and  bewilder- 
ment and  frustration  which  adolescents  bring  them  if  their  own  needs 
for  love  and  affection  were  not  so  hopelessly  entangled  in  the  family 
web.  Time  was  when  this  same  adolescent  would  rush  in  to  be  loved 
with  the  vigor  of  an  affectionate  puppy;  then  hurts  could  be  kissed  away. 
Cuddled  in  a  lap,  he  could  pour  out  tales  of  woe;  troubles  could  be 
talked  over  and  worked  out.  But  now  that  he  is  older  the  problems  are 
sometimes  fought  out  without  the  benefit  of  parental  counsel.  The 
kids  in  the  neighborhood  may  hear  of  defeats  and  tragedies  before  par- 
ents do.  The  youngster  is  too  big  to  be  cuddled,  too  big  to  be  fondled 
and  petted  and  tucked  into  bed,  too  big  to  be  held  in  the  lap  or  to  be 
kissed  as  he  liked  to  be  once,  and  too  big  for  the  babying  the  parents 
so  enjoyed.  There  is  no  longer  the  same  overt  love,  the  same  respect  and 

5  Robert  J.  Havighurst,  Developmental  Tasks  and  Education  (Chicago:  Univer- 
sity of  Chicago  Press,  1948). 


380  THE    MAKING    OF    A    FAMILY 

obedience.  The  authority  held  over  the  child  has  changed,  and  parents 
must  change  with  it.  New  satisfactions  must  replace  the  old. 

Much  has  been  said  of  the  problem  of  discipline  and  guidance  for 
these  older  children.  At  a  time  when  he  needs  his  parents  most,  when 
he